Original subtitles

DEEJAY: To open up Southern California's

biggest rock n' roll memory bank,

just dial the combination on your radio,

97.5 K-H-E-Y-FM.

♪♪ All the leaves are brown... ♪♪

From the greatest oldies,

to the most unforgettable classics,

your rock'n'roll memories are safe with us.

97.5 KHEY-FM.

PEOPLE SHOUTING IN UNISON: K-HEY, Southern California!

[THE KINKS' YOU REALLY GOT MEPLAYING]

♪♪ Girl, You really got me going

♪♪ You got me So I don't know

♪♪ What I'm doing now

♪♪ Yeah, you really got me Now

♪♪ You got me So I can't sleep at night

♪♪ Yeah You really got me now

♪♪ You got me So I don't know

♪♪ What I'm doing

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ You really got me now

♪♪ You got me So I can't sleep at night

♪♪ You really got me You really got me

♪♪ You really got me

♪♪ Oh, no

♪♪ You really got me

♪♪ You got me So I don't know

♪♪ What I'm doing now

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ Yeah, you really got me Now

♪♪ You got me So I can't sleep at night

♪♪ You really got me ♪♪

[THUD]

Mr. Simpson, just a severe sprain.

In fact, it's kind of a minor miracle.

But we'd like to keep you here for observation.

DOUG: Uh, well, thank you, Doctor,

and that's good to hear, but I really have to go.

Excuse me.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

Uh, Mr. Simpson,

this precaution is for your own good.

DOUG: Thank you, Doctor, thank you. Hey, nice talking to you.

[GROANING]

Excuse me.

Mr. Simpson? Doug Simpson?

DOUG: Uh, yes.

I'm Detective Nyland.

This is Sergeant Stockdale.

We'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

DOUG: Oh, well, what for, guys?

No one got hurt here but me.

Uh, I really have to go.

Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible.

We have to have a statement.

DOUG: I can't press charges against myself.

Look, you either talk to us here

or you talk to us downtown.

Here. Here's good.

RADIO DEEJAY: 97.5 KHEY-FM.

PEOPLE SHOUTING IN UNISON: K-HEY Southern California!

Yes, sir... ♪♪ Happy birthday... ♪♪

NYLAND: Okay, Mr. Simpson, tell us,

How did all this start?

DOUG: For the past 10 years,

I've been manager of KHEY Radio.

I've also been raising my two daughters

since my wife died,

and doing pretty good at both jobs,

if I have to say so myself. STOCKDALE: So?

DOUG: So what if our ratings have slipped a bit?

What's wrong with being number six?

92 other stations in this town would love to be number six.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Loved the way you handled that.

I love the radio business.

Love you.

Oh.

I don't care if we're number six or number 60,

I'm sticking with you.

Why are we talking numbers, huh?

Ah... The only number

I'm interested in today is 15.

My little girl's 15th birthday.

And I am going home.

And well you should be.

♪♪ Mm...

♪♪ 15 candles

♪♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo

♪♪ Make a lovely light

♪♪ Make a lovely light ♪♪

Pitch, pitch.

I like a little flat, it's hip.

[ENGINE REVVING]

DEEJAY: 97.5 KHEY-FM.

From B.B. King to Buddy Holly,

we shake, rattle, and roll 24 hours a day.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

DOUG: Yeah, it should have been one of the happiest days of my life.

But I didn't see it coming.

Maybe I should have seen it coming.

Maybe I didn't want to see it coming.

No father sees it coming.

[CHUCKLING]

Dad...

Honey.

Hey!

Hey!

Go, Dad, go!

[GROANS]

Daddy, you're only 37.

Kareem is 41 and he does this every night.

Well, Kareem's got Magic passing to him. Look who I've got.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, let's clean this kitchen.

Simpson's System, on the double.

Yes, sir.

Where's Katie? Katie.

Katie!

[MICHAEL SEMBELLO'S MANIAC PLAYING]

♪♪ Just a steel town girl On a Saturday night

♪♪ Looking for the fight Of her life

♪♪ In the real-time world No one sees her at all

♪♪ They all say she's crazy

♪♪ Locking rhythms to the... ♪♪

[PANTING]

Hi, Dad.

DOUG: Come on, come on. There you go.

Take it easy. Gee...

Working hard.

Well...

Happy birthday.

Dad...

I already have a teddy bear.

Well, I know, but it's pretty beat-up.

I mean, it was for your first 15 years,

and this is for your next 15.

Thanks, Dad. [KISSES]

Happy birthday. Oh...

Oh.

And now, for your real present.

Europe.

Oh, Dad, um...

I've been doing some thinking, and, um...

I'm not sure I want to go on the school trip this summer.

DOUG: Oh, you're kidding. Why?

Well, you're gonna be all alone.

I mean, who's gonna take care of you?

Bonnie's too young, and there's Janet, but she...

Katie. Come on, Katie.

Now stop worrying about me and forget about Janet.

This is your life we're talking about, right?

Come on, sit down. Look...

I'd love to take that ticket and tear it right up.

Keep you right here this summer,

but you have to go. It's important.

I mean, it's Europe. Huh?

The Eiffel Tower and Piccadilly Circus.

And the canals in Venice.

And Roma.

Go find out where spaghetti was born.

Dad, spaghetti was invented in China.

Marco Polo brought it back to Italy.

Oh, yeah? Well, what about the meatballs,

Miss Straight-A Student?

[GIGGLES]

Let's get Schwarzenegger, Jr.

Hey, Richard,

let's go. Get over here pronto.

Hey, big night tonight, huh, Mr. Simpson?

You don't want to miss it.

Happy birthday, Katie. Did you get my flowers?

Yeah, Richard. You didn't have to.

Okay, let's go.

I love you. [KISSES]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Okay, let's move it.

Simpson's System.

Katie, on the double.

[PHIL THORNALLEY'S CONCENTRATIONPLAYING]

♪♪ I see you there But there's a problem

♪♪ Can we work it out?

♪♪ These eyes that stare How can I stop them?

[CHEERING]

♪♪ Can we work it out?

Is there something wrong with your sister?

What am I, my sister's keeper?

Funny.

Don't move. I'll be right back.

♪♪ Concentration

♪♪ Ow! Keep your mind on me

Excuse me.

Richard, Richard.

Take it easy. You'll hurt yourself.

Oh.

Check you later, dude.

Oh... Well, what's with you?

I mean, first you make me bring you to this crazy place,

and then you flake out.

Yeah, what fun, dancing with my daddy.

Hey, they don't know I'm your daddy.

They just think you like old men.

Suck it up, pal.

Dad, do you think I'm pretty?

Of course I do.

You're just saying that because you're my father.

That's not true.

Okay.

Am I as pretty as her?

♪♪ Yeah!

♪♪ Yeah, baby

♪♪ Concentration

Dad...

♪♪ Keep your mind on me

♪♪ Concentration ♪♪

Dad!

Daddy!

I saw that. Happy birthday, baby. Hi.

Sorry I'm late. Oh, don't worry.

Okay.

Oh.

Well, where were you?

You missed blowing out the candles.

The fabric did not come in from Hong Kong.

I had to redesign half the fall collection by myself.

I'm... sorry. I'm really sorry.

It's okay. I forgive you.

Thanks.

You know, it's the first time

you missed it, though, since she's 12 years old. Oh, God.

Hey. What?

You believe it? Three years already.

Three years? Us?

Whoa! Whoa.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mm. How was the party?

It was great. Really good. Yeah.

I guess she didn't tell you about Richard then, did she?

What about Richard? It's okay.

Just get yourself a double Kahlua punch,

take a deep breath.

A double? A double.

It's okay.

♪♪ You should be loving me [CHEERING]

♪♪ Whatcha waiting for, boy?

♪♪ You should be loving me

♪♪ I could give you So much more

♪♪ If you were loving me

I'm waiting.

Daddy, I've been going steady with Richard

since elementary school.

I think it's about time I started dating other guys.

Oh, Katie, come on. You don't really mean that.

Yeah. How could... How could you do that to Richard?

He's practically part of our family.

Dad, that's the problem.

It's more like we're brother and sister

than boyfriend and girlfriend.

There's just no passion in our relationship.

Katie... You and Richard, you're just 15.

Passion comes later.

Much later. Way later.

Daddy, I'm breaking up with Richard.

There's just no magic between us.

I understand how you feel, but he's still your friend,

and if you want to see him, it's all right.

Just let me know when he's coming...

So I can make myself scarce.

♪♪ I could give you So much more

♪♪ If you were loving me

Hey, one more, please.

Less pineapple.

♪♪ You should be loving me

♪♪ If you were loving me

♪♪ You could be loving me Me, me, me, me, me... ♪♪

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Listen, I'm only gone for a little while, so...

While I'm gone, be careful, because...

ALL: They're out there!

Now, Dad, you behave yourself.

I know what those wild radio conventions are like.

Yeah, don't bring home anything.

Hey, you, hey.

Hey, knock it off, guys.

I'm supposed to say those things.

All right. Yeah, just what I need,

more women in my life.

I need more women in my life.

DOUG: Come on.

If you know any. Let's go.

Hey, take care of my girls.

I will.

One, two, three.

TOGETHER: We love you.

Bye!

Come on.

[ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA SYSTEM]

Well...

So you're sure you want to go through with this?

I never wanted anything more in my life.

Okay.

[ENGINE STARTING]

Here we go. [LAUGHS]

Yeah!

You know, Katie, these braces are not due to come off

for another two months.

Yank them, Doc.

Now.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me. Yes. Simpson.

We have an appointment.

A wash and a rinse?

Uh-huh.

Then send her to Felipe.

Felipe!

♪♪ I don't know Where you came from

It's okay. Thank you.

♪♪ It took me by surprise

♪♪ I lose control

♪♪ When I look in your eyes

♪♪ But something's going on Right here

♪♪ That's turning you away

How do they feel, Katie?

♪♪ 'Cause you don't react To a word that I say

♪♪ Listen to me, girl

♪♪ You know I need you In my world

♪♪ Won't you tell me

♪♪ Tell... Tell me

♪♪ Where's the fire?

♪♪ Where you running to?

♪♪ Just wait Hold on

JANET: Higher.

♪♪ Where's the fire?

Higher.

Not that high.

♪♪ Where you gotta go I just wanna know

♪♪ I know you, girl From head to toe

♪♪ Where's the fire? Where's the fire?

♪♪ Where's the fire, baby?

♪♪ Where's the fire? Where's the fire?

♪♪ I need to know Where's the fire? ♪♪

Take it easy.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'm home.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hi, sweetheart. Could you get that?

Okay.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, baby. Happy to be home.

Hello.

Uh, I'm not sure. Hang on one second.

Katie, it's for you.

KATIE: I'm on the phone.

Take a message.

Um, Katie can't come to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

Uh-huh. Mark. Right.

Okay, Mark, I'll tell her you called. Bye-bye.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Hold on. Katie, it's for you.

She told you, she's on the phone.

Um, Katie can't come to the phone right now.

Can I take a message?

Uh-huh.

Okay, Bob.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Um, Bob, do you know she... That Katie has her own phone?

It's been busy for two hours?

Oh, sorry, Bob. Bye.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

What?

Hang on.

What's going on here?

Hi.

Is Katie ready yet?

Ready for what?

KATIE: Andy? I'll be right down.

♪♪ Hey, Venus

♪♪ Oh, Venus

♪♪ Venus, if you will

♪♪ Please send a little girl For me to thrill

♪♪ A girl who wants My kisses and my arms

♪♪ A girl with all the charms Of you

♪♪ Ooh, ooh

♪♪ Venus, make her fair

♪♪ A lovely girl With sunlight in her hair

♪♪ And take the brightest stars

♪♪ Up in the skies

♪♪ And place them in her eyes For me ♪♪

Dad.

Well, isn't it great?

Janet helped me.

Isn't she beautiful, Doug?

Doug?

Dad, say something.

Doug?

Oh, well, we gotta go.

Yeah.

Um, see you later.

Okay.

Bye, Daddy.

JANET: Have a good time. Okay, bye-bye.

Bye.

Doug, what do you think?

Dad, what do you really think?

What do I really think?

Who was that kid?

Andy, from down the street.

No, no, no.

The one in the skirt.

Doug, she cannot stay a little girl forever.

She is growing up.

This did not just happen overnight.

It's been coming on for months and months.

She asked me to help her.

Well, you didn't have to.

What? If I didn't help her, someone else would.

Ha!

Doug, you can't stop life from happening.

Oh, no? Well, I can sure slow it down a bit.

Oh, yeah? How? How? Total control.

Total control.

No boy comes in this house

and takes my daughter anywhere

unless I know who he is, where he lives,

who his parents are, what they do for a living,

where they're going,

how long they're gonna be there, and who they're gonna be with.

Total control.

That's brilliant, Doug.

Good luck!

DOUG: Total. Total!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Dad! Door!

Oh, Brian, nice of you to stop by.

Hey, listen, I know you're the best running back

in the history of Wheeler High,

and I'd sure hate to run into you

in a dark alley,

but two speeding tickets in one year?

I'm sorry.

Get hold of yourself.

[SOBBING]

Oh, man.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

BOY: Mr. Simpson, is Katie there?

Katie?

Yeah.

Brian, no, Katie can't come to the phone now.

[CRYING]

Brian, stop crying.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'm home.

[PHONE RINGS]

Get the phone. I got the phone.

Get the door. Total control.

The door.

Take a message.

My name is Steve. DOUG: Total.

Hi. Tom. Total control.

Hello. This is Paul.

Hi, I'm Will.

Dad! Door!

My name is Bobby.

This is Tiny.

Hi, I'm Doug.

Hi, Mr. Simpson.

Look, before you say anything,

I want you to know that I marched in Selma in 1967,

and that I was the third guy pulled out of the lunch counter

in Montgomery in 1968.

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

I'm here to deliver your water.

I'm your new Sparkletts man. Leroy.

Leroy.

I guess I had that coming.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

Kyle. Mickey.

I'm Perry. I'm Sonny.

My name's Ted. Lyle.

Vestor. Hi, I'm Stoker.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

That's it.

Twins.

Total...

Total control.

Doug?

Those are the new ratings.

We're down to number nine, and sliding.

I don't know what the hell's happened.

Well, what's wrong with being number nine?

Why are we talking numbers?

89 other stations would love to be number nine.

Doug...

Doug, you're the one

who's got his finger on the pulse of the kids.

Now, come up with something,

uh, like the competition.

Um, a sex-therapy talk show.

A date with a rock'n'roll star.

Topless-bikini beach contest.

That's a great idea.

But not for us.

[DOOR OPENS]

Excuse me, Mr. Simpson,

I finally got through

on that very, very important phone call. It's line four.

Thank you, Martha. Excuse me, gentlemen.

I think the market's hot for Gypsy music.

Bonnie, what's happening? Who called?

No one, Dad. It's really quiet here.

Well, quiet, quiet's good, right?

Not that kind of quiet.

Strange quiet.

Eerie quiet.

Why would all the calls stop?

It's like she doesn't live here anymore.

Oh, she lives here, all right.

At least till Sunday.

She's got a date for the beach.

Oh, well.

Anything else happened?

Well...

I did see her report card.

What?

DOUG: An A-minus in English.

A B-plus in American history.

And a B, no plus,

in geometry.

Dad, I'll bounce back in finals.

I always do.

Katie, I... I don't want to make a big deal out of this,

but let me leave you with one thought.

A mind, a good mind, is a terrible thing to waste.

So's a good body.

Funny, so funny I forgot to laugh.

You know something?

When a father gets close to his kids,

I mean, too close...

Nature has a way of helping the father out.

The kids become really... Obnoxious.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, I didn't say anything about your marks.

It's all over town.

Oh, sure.

Remember,

someday this will be happening to you.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

It can't be. Better not be.

Oh!

Dad?

I'm here because I want a date with my daughter.

And I'm willing to wait in line, just like everyone else.

Dad, that's cute. That's very cute.

No, no, I don't...I mean, look in that book, Bonnie.

Bonnie, look in the book and make a commitment.

Listen, how's Thursday?

Dad, I'm busy, I'm sorry.

Friday?

Dad, I can't. Saturday?

Dad, I'm sorry.

Sunday? Sunday, please?

Give me Sunday. I want Sunday.

What am I doing Sunday?

Okay. Okay. Cancel it.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

[ROCK MUSIC BLARING]

♪♪ Feel the shake

Oh, Dad, I gotta go.

No, wait, wait, wait.

♪♪ Feel the shake

♪♪ Feel the earth shake

Goodbye.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪♪ Feel the shake ♪♪

[DOGS BARKING]

Who was that?

Him.

Him who?

Oh, some kid. His name's Joey.

Joey?

I... I didn't meet any Joey.

How come I didn't meet him?

You know the rules.

Katie was afraid you'd frighten him.

He's shy. He's an artist.

Kind of.

Well, what do you mean, he paints?

No, he's a musician.

Well, what kind of musician? Rock?

I don't know.

Classical? I don't know.

Rhythm and Blues? I don't know.

Well, what do you mean you don't know?

Why don't you know? Be specific.

What are you here for? Why am I paying you?

[YELLO'S OH, YEAHPLAYING]

Okay, guys and girls,

it's chow time.

Where have you been?

Where have I been? You're lucky I made it back.

There's a hamburger for you,

and a hot dog for Miss Bonnie.

Wait a minute.

Where's Katie?

BOTH: She's in the water.

Don't eat.

She'll be right back, Doug.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is my Sunday, we eat together.

Don't eat.

Junk food's best when eaten hot.

You're absolutely right.

Whoa!

Katie!

Katie!

Hi, Dad.

Who was that boy?

Was that that Joey kid?

The kid with the flying saucer truck?

I saw the earring.

You couldn't make a date with your father.

You had to sneak a boyfriend in too, right?

Dad, when I broke a date with Joey,

he thought I was going out with some other guy.

He followed me here.

Men are so insecure.

ALL: Hi, Katie.

Hi!

Would you stop bouncing, please, and...

And for God's sake, cover... Cover yourself.

Here, put this on.

Dad, I'm dressed like everyone else.

What's the matter with you? You're acting

like every man on this beach is after my body.

...is after my body.

...is after my body.

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ Oh

♪♪ Yeah

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ The moon, beautiful

♪♪ The sun, Even more beautiful

♪♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

What are you looking at, you little monsters?

Get back to your blankets.

BOY: Hey, get off my case,

you old blob.

Yeah, get out of the way.

Yeah.

"Old blob?"

"Get out of the way?"

Come here. Come here. Dad!

Dad! Run for your life!

Help!

Oh!

Dad?

Doug?

Run!

Dad!

[KATIE'S VOICE ECHOING] Dad! Dad!

DOUG: I wouldn't have hurt him.

Not that he didn't have it coming,

the little creep.

I mean, I know exactly

what was on his dirty little 12-year-old mind.

After all,

I was 12 years old once myself.

And that's what Janet didn't understand

when she told me to seek psychiatric help

before it was too late.

Janet was never a 12 year old boy.

Look, I... I've read a little Freud,

Adler, Jung, and that book, what's it called?

You're OK, I'm OK?

I'm not stupid.

I went to college for a year and a half,

almost two.

So, when Janet said "irrational,"

I think she meant "abnormal."

What do you think?

PSYCHIATRIST: Well, the word that comes to my mind

is "normal."

Really?

You see, Mr. Simpson,

you're standing in the center

of a sexual explosion.

There are nine-and-a-half million

young women in the United States

between the ages of 15 and 19,

and approximately 47 percent of those young women

have already had sexual intercourse.

Well, wait a minute, then.

Then that leaves...

That leaves 53 percent who are still virgins,

and thank God my Katie's one of those.

[LAUGHING]

Not necessarily, Mr. Simpson.

You see,

97 percent of that 53 percent are just lying about it.

Well, God, Doctor, what's happening to these girls?

[SCOFFS]

It's boys that are happening to these girls, Mr. Simpson.

Do you have any idea how many times

the average teenage boy thinks about sex in a day?

Oh, I don't know, uh...

I don't know, 15, 20 times a day?

652 times... In one day.

Well, look, Doctor, I...

I don't want to see my Katie get hurt.

I mean, I'm not sure she's ready to deal emotionally

with what's happening to her physically.

She won't have to.

With my help, if you choose to take it,

I think you'll both have a pretty good chance

of getting through this difficult period.

Oh, well, I hope so.

Just trust me, Mr. Simpson.

Now, the first thing that you have to do

is read this.

"Daddy's Little Girl.

"A Guide to Raising Your Teenage Daughter

"by Dr. Herman Fishbinder."

That's you.

It's in its fifth printing.

Coming out in paperback in June.

Nice picture.

Thank you.

Start at the beginning.

Read it carefully.

It just possibly has all the answers

to your problems.

But you can call me

any hour of the day,

if you have a question.

Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Fishbinder.

Oh, just one more thing.

Yeah?

Just in case you're a slow reader,

better put your daughter on the pill.

What?

Right away.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪♪ Feel the shake

♪♪ Feel the earth shake

"Taking responsibility

"for the sexual education of your daughter.

"You cannot count on your daughter

"getting a good sexual education in school.

"You cannot count on your daughter

"to be frank with you about the first sexual stirrings

that are happening within her."

What can I count on?

"But if your daughter

"should ask you a question about sex,

"you must discuss it with her

"in a calm, rational and non-threatening manner.

"For suggested responses, see appendix C."

♪♪ Feel the shake

♪♪ Feel the earth shake

"500 years ago, a boy 16 years old

"would come to your door with a flock of sheep."

♪♪ Feel the shake Feel the shake

♪♪ Feel the shake Feel the earth shake ♪♪

Oh, sweetheart.

I didn't hear you come in.

Dad, I have had

the most wonderful, glorious,

fabulous time of my life.

Oh, well, that's terrific.

Maybe sometime we'll talk about it.

Dad?

Yes?

I was wondering

if we could talk about it now?

Oh. Now? Sure.

What am I here for, huh?

Come on, let's sit down.

Here you go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um...

If you're really interested in a guy...

I was wondering, well...

When do you know when it's the right time

to...

When do you know

when it's the right time to have...

Uh, Katie...

500 years ago,

a boy, 16 years old,

would come to the door with a...

With a flock of sheep,

and he'd ask for your hand in marriage.

You'd have kids by 16, and be dead by 23.

That was the average life span then.

I mean, today,

with vitamins and organ transplants

and penicillin,

you'll probably live to be 90.

So at 15,

even though you're feeling

this biological urge...

By the way,

which is normal and healthy...

Medical science, thank God,

has given you time,

has allowed you

a lot of time to make this kind of a decision.

And when it happens, it'll be special.

It'll be beautiful.

So don't rush it.

I hope I've shed some light on this subject for you.

Yeah, Dad.

I know what to do now.

Wait a minute now.

Would you mind telling me what that might be?

To make my own decisions.

And never, ever, ask my dad a question

he doesn't have the guts to answer.

Night, Dad.

What's going on? You call me

at 3, 4, 5 in the morning?

I have a patient in half an hour.

Something happened last night.

Something wrong with the book?

Oh, no. The book was right on the money.

This is my problem.

My daughter asked me a question,

and I couldn't handle it.

Of course, you know what question.

Oh, yes.

So, what father can answer such a question?

I mean, I was set back a bit,

but I'm okay,

because I kept on reading the book,

and I read, and, finally,

I came to Chapter 15.

Yes, the mother substitute.

A friend, a girlfriend, a lover.

Someone who can fill the gap

left by the absence of the original mother.

Yes, exactly.

Now, I have one of those, and better yet, I love her.

So move her in.

Move...

Her... In.

Ah, well, uh... Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong? Don't the children like her?

Oh, well, yeah, yeah, the children love her.

They don't love her the way I love her, but they love her.

So?

Well, uh, it's just that you don't know Janet.

I don't think I can just move her in.

I... I'd probably have to marry her.

Well, do you have a problem with that?

Marriage? Uh...

I don't know.

I've done that once before,

and you know, it changes everything.

It's a big step.

Mr. Simpson, maybe the problem you have

is not between you and your daughter,

but between you and Janet.

So would you like to talk about that?

Uh, no, I have no problem with Janet.

Then take charge.

Act now.

[CAR PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

JEFF: Doug?

Oh, Jeff, how are you?

Are you crazy?

You never came back

to the office today.

What happened?

I had to do some shopping. Some very heavy shopping.

Doug, the overnights are in.

We're down to 12.

Our asses are sinking into the sunset.

Stop shopping.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, hold it right there.

What?

You look beautiful. You look terrific.

Oh, thank you.

Perfect...

For what I'm about to do.

Oh, no, don't start Doug.

It took me an hour to get into this dress,

and I'm not gonna take it off now.

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

[GASPS]

Oh!

Oh...

Oh!

Oh... Oh...

Oh! Oh... Oh...

Oh... Oh...

Oh...

I always wanted you to do this.

You didn't have to, you know.

Oh, I know, I know.

That's why I did it, because...

Because I love you.

Oh... I...

Would you help me put it on?

Oh. Allow me.

Ooh...

Bingo.

I love you. I... Mmm.

I love you.

I love you.

Listen, listen, listen, listen...

I love you so much.

Your make-up, your dress.

I don't care about my make-up, I don't care about my dress.

All I care about is you and me right now.

I know, but we're gonna go to dinner,

and then we're gonna have a good...

What are you doing with your hand?

What does it feel like I'm doing? What do you think I'm doing?

Come on, get out of there, little fella.

Little fella! What?

Sex, sex, sex.

I mean, is that all women think about?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice if we waited

at least until you said yes?

Yes. Yes! I say yes.

Yes!

Now, now, wait... Okay, all right, look.

Please, please, would you stop? Would you stop?

What?

I've got a lot on my mind.

It's a big decision I made today.

We've got the rest of our lives to make love.

Pace yourself.

You're right.

Okay.

Where are you going now?

I don't know.

I guess I'll take a cold shower and start all over again.

A shower.

Well, hey, I did it.

And, hey, I love her. I love her.

Katie.

I love her. I love her.

[RINGS]

KATIE: I'll get it.

Hello.

DOUG: Katie? Who is this?

Hey, does it matter? Does it really matter?

Who the...

[DOOR SLAMS]

[RINGING]

Doug?

Sweetheart?

[RINGS]

Hello.

Hi, honey.

I'm very, very, very, very sorry,

but while you were in the shower,

I got a phone call.

There's an emergency at the radio station.

I'm gonna be behind closed doors

most of the night.

I'll call you as soon as I can.

I love you, sweetheart.

Oh, and remember, the ring is real.

It's real.

Better be real.

Your name, sir?

Uh, well, see, I'm not really invited.

I'm a patient of Dr. Fishbinder's.

Anyway,

it's very important that I see him.

Are you on medication?

No, no.

Remain in the vehicle, sir.

Dr. Fishbinder, please.

Yes?

Dr. Fishbinder, this is Doug.

Yes, I know who it is. I recognize the breathing.

How did you get this address?

I spoke to the service. I told them it was an emergency.

They're fired. Now, take it easy, Mr. Simpson.

I have to see you.

Well, I'm afraid that's impossible.

I'm having a private party.

But I can see you.

Just talk to the camera.

And I'm right here.

Dr. Fishbinder, I called home and a strange voice answered.

I think it was that boy Joey.

I'd like to go over and break that little...

Now, take it easy, Mr. Simpson. This is actually good news.

Remember chapter 25, "Befriend the Enemy"?

If your daughter goes out

with a boy you find obnoxious and repulsive,

never say anything negative about him.

That will only drive her straight into his arms.

Instead, make yourself pals of the boy,

and soon your daughter will see him as you do.

Are you sure?

Oh, no, I'm not sure.

That's why I have a Rolls-Royce, a home in Bel Air,

and a house in the South of France.

Ha! Of course I'm sure.

Now, act natural.

FISHBINDER: You're one of them.

Remember, tonight, that boy must be your best friend.

[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

♪♪ It's just like heaven

♪♪ Being here with you

♪♪ You're like an angel

♪♪ Too good to be true

♪♪ But after all

[MUSIC BLARING] ♪♪ I love you

♪♪ I do

♪♪ Angel baby

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

♪♪ My angel baby

♪♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh

♪♪ Ooh...

Hi, kids.

Playing charades?

Let me guess.

The Garden of Eden?

No, no.

Dirty Dancing.

Dad, um...

I'm sorry.

We found your old 45s, and Joey wanted...

Well, we thought they were funny, and...

Katie, Katie. No need to explain to me.

I did the same thing when I was young

and my parents were out.

And when you guys grow up and have kids,

they're gonna do the same thing to you.

Isn't that what life's all about?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, my God, Katie,

you have the coolest dad.

You're so lucky, Katie.

Your dad is, like, killer.

Oh, well.

Uh, Dad...

This is Joey.

DOUG: Oh.

Joey.

Pleasure to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you. I was just leaving.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Joey.

Don't go yet.

Come on, the night is young, huh?

Come on, take your shades off. Let your hair...

Never mind.

You want oldies?

I got oldies. Let me play some for you.

♪♪ Good sense, innocence Cripplin' mankind

♪♪ Dead kings, many things I can't define

♪♪ Occasions, persuasions Clutter your mind

♪♪ Incense and peppermints The color of time

♪♪ Who cares... ♪♪

Now, this one was banned in Boston. Okay?

Wow. The funny part is,

is that the kids really didn't know how dirty it was

until it was banned.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

It just goes to show you how uptight some parent s can be.

I'm out of here. See ya.

Oh, Joey, wait a minute. Joey, Joey, wait, wait, wait.

Leaving so soon?

This is a very strange scene, Mr. Simmons.

Uh, it's Simpson. Just like my daughter.

What's so strange?

The way you're handling

this whole thing.

It's just a little too good to be true.

Most parents don't like kids.

No parents like me.

How come you're so nice?

Well, Joey, you... You may not believe this,

and I admit, it does sound a little wild,

but you remind me of myself when I was your age.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, you're a musician

and a rebel and a loner,

and that's how I was when I was a kid.

In fact, I understand why Katie likes you.

Well, what do you say, gang, huh?

We go to one of my old hangouts, and it's my treat.

[ALL AGREEING]

Let's go.

There you go.

Are you for real, Mr. Simpson?

Am I for real, Joey?

Did you, uh, happen to notice my Jaguar outside?

Yeah?

Come on.

Whoo!

♪♪ Baby, please don't go Baby, please don't go

♪♪ Baby, please don't go Down to New Orleans

♪♪ Girl, I love you so

♪♪ Baby, please don't go ♪♪

I met Mick Jagger,

backstage after a Stones concert

in 1969.

Wow.

You saw the Stones in '69?

That's before I was born.

You saw all the greats.

Jagger...

Lennon.

You actually saw Jim Morrison.

Well, Joey,

I'm kind of surprised

that you like that kind of music.

Hey, Joey.

Oh, man.

What did you do,

trade in your truck for that lemon?

Come on, guys, be cool, all right?

So are we up for a drag,

or is this car of yours all show and no go?

Look, you wanna give me a break?

Hey, now, wait a minute. Who are these clowns?

Let's just go, okay, Joey?

No, no, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Dad, they're just a bunch of geeks from school.

Just ignore them, okay?

DOUG: Ignore them?

Uh, yo...

Boys?

This happens to be a Jaguar XKE

4.2 liter, 265 horsepower.

Which means,

Joey will meet you any time, any place,

at any distance.

ALL: Ooh...

Yeah! Whoo!

Let's go!

I will?

Joey, you back down now, where does it end?

Right. The spot. Now.

All right!

Woo!

The spot? What spot?

[KIDS WHOOPING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[KIDS CHEERING]

Hey, buddy.

You ready to get your butts kicked?

Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Joey.

I know that Corvette.

It's an animal.

But we can win, Joey. We can beat them. It's all in the driving.

Yeah.

Okay, look, all you have to do

is concentrate. Get out fast,

and go through those gears. All right? You got it?

I got it. All right.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Uh, Mr. Simpson?

Yeah, Joey?

You are for real.

Good luck, babe.

All right, all right.

Okay, that's enough.

Go start the race.

Good luck.

[ENGINES REVVING]

♪♪ We're gonna make Some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make Some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make Some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make Some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make some

♪♪ Make some noise

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise 'Cause it makes you feel good

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise Make you feel all right

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise

All right, Joey!

What am I doing here?

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise 'Cause it makes you feel good

[ENGINE STALLS]

[TURNING IGNITION, ENGINE CHOKING]

♪♪ Make you feel all right

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise

♪♪ I like it loud and clear now

♪♪ Make some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise Tonight

Sorry I stalled the car.

Oh, forget about it, huh?

Did we destroy that Corvette or what?

Yeah!

[BELLS DINGING]

Give me a hand.

I think I need a push, huh?

[TRAIN HORN APPROACHING]

Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Oh!

Joey...

That was close.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪♪]

♪♪ Oh, yeah

♪♪ We're gonna Make some noise tonight

♪♪ We're gonna make some noise Tonight ♪♪

[BRITISH ACCENT] I'm afraid we can't have it for you today.

[CRASH]

We can give you a loaner.

It's hardly comparable,

but considering what you did to your own car...

KATIE: Thank you.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Dad, do you think machines feel pain?

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, there's this whole theory

about inanimate objects feeling pain.

Now, look, Katie,

if you're worried about the car, don't.

That's what insurance is for.

If you're worried about Joey,

it wasn't his fault, okay?

You know, I don't know about that.

I think it was symptomatic of his whole immature personality.

Now, wait a minute.

[GUYS WHISTLING]

Wait a minute.

What am I hearing here?

Dad, I know you're gonna be terribly disappointed,

but I broke up with Joey.

You broke...

You broke up with Joey?

Wait a minute.

I thought he was so important to you.

Oh, set him up and shoot him down, huh?

Who's next?

Dad, what are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Take a good look, Katie.

That cute, adorable face

staring back at you is not a weapon.

Don't think of it as a weapon, because it's not a weapon.

I mean, if it was a weapon, it could backfire.

Trust me.

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's just a phase I'm going through.

You know, I... I've never been this popular with boys before.

It's kind of a kick, having this power.

I'll be over it soon, I promise.

I hope so.

Now, who's... Who's the new guy?

What new guy?

[BOOTS THUDDING]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I got it.

Hi, Tim... Othy.

Joe? Rich... Richard?

Hi, Katie.

Hi.

Well, what did you do to your hair?

And your clothes?

I liked you fine the way you were.

I didn't.

Look, can I just talk to your father for a second?

Uh... Yeah, come in.

Dad?

Oh, hiya, Joey.

Oh, Richard, how are you?

Hiya.

Can I see you for a moment, Mr. Simpson?

Well, sure, sure.

Come on in the kitchen.

There you go.

Oh, Bonnie, could you excuse us

for a minute, sweetheart? [GIGGLES]

Sorry.

Well, there's brain damage,

but at least he's still breathing.

So how you been, pal?

I just wanted to tell you, Mr. Simpson,

I'm not going on the school trip to Europe

with Katie.

Oh, come on, Richard. Why?

You should go.

Look, Mr. Simpson...

I... I know that you were, you know,

kind of counting on me to watch over Katie and all, but...

But if I go, you know,

I mean, I'll just be cramping her style.

What if she meets a count?

Or, or a duke?

Or that Prince Charles guy?

Oh, oh, Richard,

Prince Charles is married.

Yeah, but not happily.

Well, we...

We don't know that for sure, Richard.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Hi, Tim... Othy... uh, Joey!

Uh, what are you doing here?

I thought we decided

that we weren't gonna see each other for a while.

I'm not here to see you, babe.

I'm here to see your dad.

Is he around?

Great.

Um... Yeah.

Dad!

Oh, Joey.

How are you? Hi.

Can we...

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Right in here.

[SIGHS]

Stretcher cases to the left, walking wounded to the right.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

One more guy in leather,

we could start a rock group.

Shut up.

Who is...

Hi, Timothy.

[THUMPING]

I can't believe it.

I never thought Katie and me would break up.

All right. Now, Joey.

Now, get a hold of yourself.

No, no, you don't understand.

My dad never liked me.

All right...

No dad ever liked me till I met you.

All right, Joey, Joey...

Joe, Joey, come on, have a seat.

Sit down. Have a seat.

Katie dumped me.

Yeah.

Don't you dump me too. Please, Mr. Simpson.

Joey, I wouldn't do anything like that.

You mean it?

Of course.

Because I was thinking, maybe sometime

we could still hang out together. I don't know.

Maybe we could go to a concert together or something?

Sure, well, why not, why not?

Only next time we'll... we'll take the bus.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah.

[WHISPERS] Daddy, this is very embarrassing.

Timothy's here.

Can you get rid of these guys nicely?

Oh, yeah. Nicely.

Anyone else coming?

Because we're running out of rooms.

She is a wonderful girl.

Be smart.

Make friends with the old man.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, thank you.

Bonnie, isn't it?

♪♪ Our day will come

So how did you two kids meet?

Do you have classes together at school?

TIMOTHY: Oh, no. I wish we did.

I'm a senior.

Thank you, Bonnie.

No, we met at a philosophy seminar after school.

We had an interesting discussion about inanimate objects.

Oh.

Well, does this mean

you'll be going away to college in the fall?

Timothy is going to attend Yale.

Oh, Yale.

TIMOTHY: Yes, my father's quite angry with me.

You see, both he and my grandfather

went to Princeton,

and I'm afraid I've disappointed them.

Oh. Princeton. Both.

Well, we're off, I'm afraid.

Maurice won't hold our table much longer.

Even for me.

Oh, well, let's... Let's not keep Maurice waiting.

Have a nice time.

Oh, good night, Daddy.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Bonnie.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here's the phone number

of the restaurant we'll be going to,

and the number of my parents' house.

We'll be stopping by there for a cappuccino after dinner.

Yeah, well, just make sure she's home by 12.

Oh, I assure you, sir...

It'll be more like 11:00.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Timothy.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, sweetheart.

Drive safe.

Bye-bye.

What do you think, Dad? Perfect, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yale.

The number of the restaurant.

Home by 11. Perfect.

At last, per...

Wait a minute.

Chapter 52.

He's too perfect.

Of course, chapter 52.

"A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing."

This is the most dangerous

of the Don Juan, Casanova, Warren Beatty species.

Your daughter is in very grave danger

from a formidable predator, Mr. Simpson.

Just tell me what to do.

Didn't you read the next chapter, "Surveillance"?

Wait a minute. You want me...

You want me to spy on Timothy?

Well, even if I could, I mean,

anything that I said to Katie

would just be my word against his.

Do you own a camera, Mr. Simpson?

I suggest

a Tri-X 1000 for day,

and infrared with a 2.4 lens for night.

[JOHNNY RIVERS' SECRET AGENT MANPLAYING]

♪♪ There's a man

♪♪ Who leads a life of danger

♪♪ To everyone he meets

Good shot!

♪♪ He stays a stranger

♪♪ With every move he makes

♪♪ Another chance he takes

Gotcha.

♪♪ Odds are

♪♪ He won't live To see tomorrow

♪♪ Secret agent man

♪♪ Secret agent man

♪♪ They've given you a number

♪♪ And taken away your name

Gotcha.

[BARKING]

♪♪ Beware of pretty faces That you find

♪♪ A pretty face can hide

♪♪ An evil mind

♪♪ Oh, be careful what you say

♪♪ Or you will Give yourself away

♪♪ Odds are

♪♪ You won't live To see tomorrow

♪♪ Secret agent man

Gotcha!

You'll never be president.

♪♪ They've given you a number

♪♪ And taken away your name ♪♪

Katie?

Sweetheart?

Katie?

Bonnie.

Bonnie, wake up, wake up.

Where's Katie? Where is she?

Get your book out and find out where Katie is.

I don't need my book, Dad.

She's with Timothy at the beach.

Go to bed. [DOORBELL CHIMES]

Thank you.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Katie, what are you...

Doug.

We're down to 34 in the ratings.

For the love of God,

do something before they can us.

Jeff, a lot of other...

Doug, no!

Don't say, "A lot of stations would love to be number 34."

If you say, "A lot of stations would love to be number 34,"

I will kill you.

Understand?

I'll get back to you.

DOUG: "Discipline.

"Discipline is a key word in every father's vocabulary.

"You are the parent.

"You set the rules.

"You are in control.

"If the rules are broken,

"it is your duty to punish accordingly.

"You must enforce the rules.

"You are the enforcer."

Where were you?

What have you been doing? And...

I want the truth.

Uh...

I... I was at the beach with Timothy.

I guess I forgot the time.

I'm sorry.

Well, let me tell you what time it is.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Now, I had no idea things had gone this far.

You're grounded.

Grounded? For how long?

For the rest of your life,

and maybe longer.

And that means no phones, no dates, no nothing.

Dad, Timothy's prom is in two weeks.

Then I go away to Europe.

He goes away to school.

How could you do this to me?

DOUG: Well, I could tell you some things

about your precious Timothy.

Look, let's just say

I'm doing this for your own good, okay?

No, wait a minute.

If you did something tonight, and I'm not saying you did...

And I hope you didn't,

but if you did, it should have been special.

It should have been beautiful and special.

And I've got news for you.

There is nothing beautiful or special

that ends with you climbing in a window

at 4:00 in the morning.

Now, go to your room.

I'm in my room.

Then stay here.

DOUG: I don't need these.

I'm the enforcer.

[CHAINSAW ROARING]

[YELLING OVER ROAR] Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

What's this?

[CHAINSAW ROARING]

What's this?

My parents are coming in.

I didn't want my father

to see your things in my apartment.

Oh.

Oh, heaven forbid he should see my electric razor,

my toothbrush and my Indian robe.

Come on, Janet, you're a grown woman.

I know, I know, but after all, I'm still his daughter.

You know all about fathers and daughters, don't you, Doug?

Well, just follow the sad music up the stairs.

[♪♪♪♪]

[MUSIC BLARING] ♪♪ Just when I thought

You know, I'm really...

♪♪ Things were getting better

♪♪ You left The loneliest heart behind

♪♪ And, baby, that...

I'm really angry at you, young lady.

No, hey... Hey, wait a minute.

Look at me when I talk to you.

You know, you begged me to help you,

and I did, and now I feel like

a total and complete jerk.

I guess you hate me too.

Oh, I don't hate...

♪♪ Even friends Can't help you

♪♪ When you've got The loneliest heart... ♪♪

I don't hate you.

I just feel that your behavior is getting out of hand.

I mean, all you care about now is boys, boys, boys.

Your grades are slipping.

You sneak in your window at 4:00 in the morning,

driving your father crazy.

Maybe you don't care about what you're doing to him,

but I do.

I'm sorry.

Hey, baby, it's okay.

Stop crying. Come on.

Hey, I'm a woman, remember?

That only works on men.

Come on. Tell me how I can help you.

So that's it.

I'm the enforcer,

and when I say something in my house,

they do it.

Good, good.

You're finally in control of your life again.

Yeah, and my daughter is safe.

And Timothy is leaving town.

She's just gonna see him one more time, on prom night.

What did you say?

She's gonna see him once more, on prom night.

I promised Janet.

Prom night? Prom night!

Did I hear you say prom night?

Yeah, just one more time. It's no big deal.

Didn't you read the book?

Look at this.

"81.5 percent of American girls lose their virginity

"on prom night!"

It's in the book. It is in the book.

In the book!

81.5...

All right.

All the work we've done here is down the drain.

I'm going to give you your money back.

My secretary will send you a check.

Now get out!

Prom night... Of course.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Doctor, look, look, look...

I'm the enforcer, right?

I can handle this.

I will call off prom night.

Dr. Fishbinder, I give you my word.

It's off.

That was a close one.

Oh, I know.

Don't do that again.

Doctor, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Is there anything I can do?

No, I'm all right.

That's what I'm here for.

But it's just so frustrating when you try to help...

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

maybe there is something that you could do for me.

Name it. Anything.

Don't you work at a radio station?

Uh, yeah. KHEY radio.

Well, maybe...

Maybe if you had some airtime

available on your station...

Maybe I could help all the other Doug Simpsons

who are out there.

Well, what do you think?

I think it sounds like a good idea.

I mean, after all,

you certainly helped this Doug Simpson.

It'll be almost like public service. Here.

I'll tell you what you do.

You call this number,

you ask for Jeff Roberts.

He's my assistant at the station.

And you're on the air.

Great.

Now, remember, the important thing is,

for God's sake, put an end to prom night.

Yes, I will.

Same time next week?

Of course.

Okay.

Mr. Simpson.

Yeah?

You're my favorite patient.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[♪♪♪♪]

MAN: There he is, right there.

Good evening.

Oh, thank you very much.

Madam.

Thank you, Daddy.

Jenny, I love your dress, where's the rest of it?

Daddy, please. It's my creation. I designed it.

Okay, sell them, don't wear them.

Well, no one asked me, but I think it looks great.

Mom, Dad, I want you to meet my fiance, Doug Simpson.

My mother, Mrs. Pearson.

Hello, Mrs. Pearson.

Call me Emily.

Oh, how nice.

And Chuck Pearson, my father.

How are you?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Pearson. Or should I call you Chuck?

No, Mr. Pearson's fine.

Come on.

Friendly.

Wha...

Wait a minute.

Doug, don't you find it an odd coincidence

that we're having dinner at the same hotel

as Katie's school prom?

The prom's here? You're kidding.

Don't give me that.

You are not going near Katie tonight.

We are gonna go someplace else!

I didn't even know the prom...

Look, I'm sorry, is something wrong here?

No, no. No problem.

You know, Dad, a friend of mine told me

that the food here is really terrible.

It's a restaurant.

How tough can it be

to throw on a couple of steaks?

Now, come on.

Your mother and I are starving. Can we eat, please?

MAITRE D': This way, please.

EMILY: Thank you.

Um, couldn't we have one of those tables over there?

I mean, isn't this a bit close to the harp?

Sorry, all the other tables

are reserved.

I thought you'd say that.

Well, so, are we all comfortable?

[HARP PLAYING]

GIRL: Dude, the limo took off already.

[KIDS LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

Janet tells me you work for a radio station.

Uh, yeah. KHEY Radio.

It's a rock'n'roll station, isn't it?

Um, yeah, mostly.

You went to college in the '60s, didn't you?

Uh, yeah.

Wore your hair long?

Marched against the war?

Experimented with drugs?

Played loud rock n' roll music?

Wore bell-bottom pants, burned incense?

Well, I... I burnt my share, you know?

Mm-hmm.

You believed in free love?

You know, live with somebody before you got married?

Dad!

Then you woke up one day, realized you need a job,

and ran like hell to join the establishment?

Well, yeah, you're... You're right, but...

You know, we did a few other things

that you seemed to have left out.

Like what?

Well, like help stop the war, end segregation,

launch the Beatles...

The Rolling Stones, the Four Tops,

the Temps,

and don't forget Sonny and Cher.

Doug.

Cut.

You're also saddling Janet with a built-in family. You really think that's fair?

Dad!

Well, I assure you, sir, there'll be no problem.

Doug's girls and I

get along just terrifically.

I mean, there's nothing to worry about,

is there, Doug?

I said, is there, Doug?

Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.

You know, this music is so loud

I can hardly hear

what anyone is saying.

I'm gonna have to speak to the manager.

Hey, Janet, now, for the last hour,

that guy did nothing but look over my shoulder

at every pretty young girl out in that lobby.

Now what the hell is going on?

[OINGO BOINGO'S THE WINNING SIDEPLAYING]

BOY: Woo-hoo!

♪♪ It's the winning side

♪♪ And everyone is cheering For the winning side

♪♪ And the children Leave their homes

♪♪ To join the winning side

♪♪ And when Jesus comes He'll march on

♪♪ With the winning side

♪♪ And we've got All the right answers

♪♪ And the guiding light Whether wrong or right

♪♪ And we have no fear No, we have no fear

♪♪ Waiting for the sign We will give our lives

♪♪ We will give our lives

I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

Uh, you don't understand. I'm a parent.

That makes it twice as sick.

Now, come on, let's go, come on. Let's go.

Okay, okay, okay.

I missed my prom.

I love Doug and Doug loves me, and that's all that matters.

All right, all right. Here he comes, here he comes.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Well, if I may...

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

That's it.

Janet, it is time to call a flake a flake,

and a spade a spade.

I'm tellin' you, you marry this guy, I think you're out of your mind.

I think Doug's just a little nervous and...

Chuck... Chill out.

Excuse me, excuse me.

[HONKING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, oh, there you are.

Here, look.

I need my car right away.

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's kind of crazy around here.

I understand that.

I gave you money when I got here before.

[♪♪♪♪]

Did you find it?

I'm trying, I'm trying.

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪♪ Para bailar La Bamba

♪♪ Para bailar La Bamba Se necesita

♪♪ Una poca de gracia

♪♪ Una poca de gracia Pa' mi, pa' ti

♪♪ Y arriba y arriba

Hey! That's my car.

Hey, man!

♪♪ Bamba, bamba Bamba, bamba... ♪♪

Hi!

ALL: Hey!

DOUG: "Restaurant."

Food.

♪♪ It's the hunger of love It's the taste of our prey

♪♪ Do you hunger For the hunger of love?

♪♪ It's the hunger of love Yeah, the power and pain

♪♪ Do you hunger For the hunger of love?

Is this romantic or what?

[LOCK BOLTING]

To us.

Cheers.

What time did your father say

he wanted you home?

Midnight.

♪♪ Who's the winner?

♪♪ 'Cause lovers do What lovers have to do

♪♪ It's called pleasure

♪♪ My body shivers

♪♪ Love and good sex Is what I want from you

BOY: Who is it?

DOUG: [MEXICAN ACCENT] Room service.

♪♪ When the music plays...

Complimentary fruit for SenorTimothy Mitchell.

He's back there somewhere.

Gracias, senor.

♪♪ It's the hunger of love ♪♪

What is the matter?

I mean, don't you want to?

Yes, I want to.

Okay, okay, so...

So, what's the problem?

I mean, you're not scared, are you?

No, I'm not scared.

Then go with your feelings.

Uh, excuse me, senor.

Can you help me find senorTimothy Mitchell?

Tim-o, the old make-out king?

He's back there somewhere.

Oh.

Didn't I see you at the prom?

Okay, I get it.

You want it to be my fault.

I'll do a little grabbing,

you'll do a little... Protesting.

Okay, okay, okay, I got it.

All right.

Timothy, stop it.

Look, it's not gonna happen.

It's not gonna happen? You want me.

I mean, you said that you did.

I did.

But not...

But not here, not like this.

It's my first time.

I'd like it to be special.

Now, take me home.

You teasing little bitch.

Thank you, Timothy. That was beautiful and special.

Now, for the second time, take me home.

Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Who you're doing it to?

I'll just go.

[SHOUTING] No!

Okay, okay, okay. Shh...

Take it easy. No one's gonna touch you.

Now let's just... Sit here and talk for a while,

so, that way, when we both walk out together,

It'll look like I...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Complimentary fruit for senorTimothy Mitchell.

We don't want any. Go away.

Uh, bu...

But it's going to spoil, senor.

Damn it, Timothy. Open the door.

Shut up.

Katie, is that you?

Who is that?

Dad?

What are you doing here?

You followed me?

Mr. Simpson, I just want you to know, sir,

that nothing happened, sir.

Sir, nothing happened.

I didn't do anything.

No, but I did.

Katie.

Katie! Katie!

Well, girls, I'm available.

♪♪ You could be loving me ♪♪

Oh, Katie.

DEEJAY: Rock hard and proud of it. 97.5...

What was I thinking of?

JEFF: Welcome back to KHEY's late-night talk show.

We're here again with our weekly visit

with Dr. Herman Fishbinder,

the author ofDaddy's Little Girl,

the controversial book for single fathers

on how to raise their teenage daughters.

We're taking your calls.

KHEY, you're on the air.

MALE CALLER: Dr. Fishbinder, I read your book.

I followed your advice.

My daughter ran off with the pool man.

Now, what...

What kind of father would write a book like that?

FISHBINDER: First of all, sir,

let me say I'm not a father.

I don't have a daughter.

He doesn't have a daughter?

DEEJAY: To open up Southern California's

biggest rock'n'roll memory bank,

just dial the combination on your radio.

97.5, KHEY-FM.

MALE CALLER 2: Hello, Dr. Fishbinder?

I've got three daughters, 15, 17, and 19,

and they're all in love with the same boy.

What am I going to do?

Fishbinder.

Well, that's a very interesting question,

and I do go into that one

in my book.

Chapter 27...

Doug, what are you doing?

We're on the air.

Some problem that couldn't wait, Mr. Simpson?

You don't have a daughter?

Did I hear that right? You don't even have a daughter?

No.

I don't have a daughter. So what?

I don't even have a family.

And you never will.

Get away from that microphone.

Doug, for the love of God,

we're taking calls.

Not anymore. Get away from that mic.

Mr. Simpson, we will discuss this problem

in my office in the morning.

No, we won't.

JEFF: Live radio, ladies and gentlemen.

Is there anything more exciting?

More spontaneous?

♪♪ Girl, you really Got me going

JEFF: We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen,

after this brief musical interlude.

♪♪ You really got me now

♪♪ You got me So I don't know what I'm doing

♪♪ Oh, yeah You really got me now

♪♪ You got me So I'm losing my mind

♪♪ You really got me ♪♪

[THUD]

So that's it.

That's the whole story.

Can I go now?

You know, if there was such a thing

as a Nobel Prize for fathers,

this guy should get it.

I've got five boys.

Thank God.

Doug?

Janet?

Oh, are you still talking to me?

Of course I am. I love you, you big dope.

Hey, Doug. Why didn't you tell me you were having a problem

with your daughter?

I mean, there isn't a father in the world

who wouldn't understand this kind of thing. Proud of you, boy.

Now, where is she? She's at the airport.

She was so upset that she didn't come home last night.

But I didn't tell her what happened.

All right, well, I gotta see her.

No way she's getting on that plane

thinking her father's a jerk

who thought he could get all the answers out of a book.

CHUCK: Ah, but the answers are all in a book.

It's in the top drawer of every motel in America.

You're right, Dad, but shut up.

Amen.

Don't worry, Mr. Simpson, we'll get you there.

Oh, thanks, guys, thanks. Okay.

WOMAN OVER PA: Flight 22 now boarding for Paris and London.

[SIREN WAILING]

Katie, that's us.

Europe. Come on.

DOUG: Thanks, guys.

NYLAND: Good luck.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Uh...

Uh...

His daughter forgot her American Express card.

That's a restricted area!

I can explain.

You know, it's sort of a long story, but a sweet one.

Katie! Katie!

[WHISTLING]

Katie!

Dad?

Katie!

Katie...

Sweetheart! Dad!

Oh, sweetheart.

Dad!

Dad, what happened?

Oh, just a little pain in the neck.

Nothing like the pain I've been to you, though.

Dad, I know you did all those things

because you care.

It's all right.

I mean, I...

I guess I wanted you to stay a little girl forever.

I didn't want to lose you.

Dad, you could never lose me.

And you were right about a... Few things.

You know, honey... You really have grown up.

So have you, Dad.

Hey, excuse me, miss.

We have to go now.

Okay.

This is a restricted area, sir.

Okay, just a second, just a second. Bye.

Bye, baby.

Bye, Dad. I love you.

Hi, Katie.

Hi, Richard...

Bye, Dad.

Bye! Bye.

So that's the show.

You introduce Dr. Fishbinder,

he does 20 minutes of phone interviews, and then...

Then you two square off against each other.

Just like Crossfire.

Oh, come on, Jeff.

You want me to go on the air with that?

It'll never work. It already has worked.

After what happened last week,

we're number six again, and climbing.

It's the comeback of the year.

"Fishbinder versus Simpson."

Try to keep an open mind, Doug.

It's a sign of intelligence.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

Hi.

Oh.

Oh, you... You probably don't know this,

but Katie left for Europe last week.

Katie? I'm not here to see Katie.

BONNIE: I'll be right down, Scooter.

♪♪ Hey, Venus Oh, Venus

♪♪ Venus if you will

♪♪ Please send a little girl For me to thrill

♪♪ A girl who wants my kisses And my arms

♪♪ A girl With all the charms of you

♪♪ Venus, make her fair

♪♪ A lovely girl With sunlight in her hair

Bye, Dad.

We're going to a movie.

Bye, Mr. Simpson.

A movie, huh?

Well, uh, PG,

no R.

Hey, hey, Bonnie?

I trust you.

♪♪ Goddess of love that you are [GIGGLES]

I trust her...

I trust her.

I trust her.

We'll discuss it Thursday night,

on the air.

♪♪ Make my wish come true

♪♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪]

♪♪ I don't know Where you came from

♪♪ You took me by surprise

♪♪ I lose control When I look in your eyes

♪♪ But something's going on Right here

♪♪ That's turning you away

♪♪ 'Cause you don't react To a word that I say

♪♪ Listen to me, girl

♪♪ You know I need you In my world

♪♪ Won't you tell me

♪♪ Where's the fire?

♪♪ Where you running to?

♪♪ You just wait Hold on

♪♪ Girl, I'm asking you

♪♪ Where's the fire?

♪♪ Where the fire now?

♪♪ I know that you wanna leave

♪♪ You say you need some time

♪♪ I feel so torn That I'm losing my mind

♪♪ I can't take much more

♪♪ Girl, you're what I'm waiting for

♪♪ Won't you tell me

♪♪ Where's the fire?

♪♪ Where you running to?

♪♪ Just wait Hold on

♪♪ Girl, I'm asking you

♪♪ Where's the fire

♪♪ Where's the fire now

♪♪ Tell me You still love me, girl

♪♪ Where's the fire? Where's the fire?

♪♪ Tell me, girl

♪♪ Where's the fire?

♪♪ Tell me, girl Tell me, girl Where's the fire?

♪♪ Tell me, girl Tell me, girl

♪♪ Why you treat me this way

♪♪ I got to know right now

♪♪ Where's the fire? ♪♪

♪♪ She used to sit and watch TV

♪♪ Spent all her time With her family

♪♪ Teenage girl Just passing time

♪♪ Daddy's little valentine

♪♪ Daddy's little girl Is all grown up

♪♪ And now a million guys Have all shown up

♪♪ And life Will never be the same

♪♪ Fan... Tasies

♪♪ Where anything can happen Does

♪♪ Fairy tales

♪♪ Happy ever after

♪♪ Happy ever after Happy ever after dreams

♪♪ She's a fox And a real cutie

♪♪ Guys are dazzled By her beauty

♪♪ Gone are All her childish dreams

♪♪ She's mixed up In teenage schemes

♪♪ Daddy's little girl Is all grown up

♪♪ And now a million guys Have all shown up

♪♪ And life Will never be the same

♪♪ Daddy's little girl Has a thing about that

♪♪ She's breaking hearts And they're tumbling fast

♪♪ Daddy's little girl Look how she's grown

♪♪ Can't keep the boys Off the telephone

♪♪ Daddy's little girl Is a thing of the past... ♪♪

The Man With the MasterPlan DEAM