Original subtitles

♪

Theo: God, I love when Stebe's late.

Gives me a chance to get some real work done.

Check this out.

[ "Seinfeld Theme" plays ]

Oh god, stop. He'll be here any second.

He's just giving an office tour to some health inspector.

What? Reggie's here?

I better take some hydration pills!

What the heck does that mean?

It means every few years,

we take Reggie out for a night out on the town!

He feels like a regular Charlie Potatoes.

In return, he gives our factories

an inconspicuous B+! [ Laughs ]

Just you wait, Theo! Reggie goes hard!

A gold-certified Michelin star "fuck boi!"

So I'm looking at this crossword going,

"Seven letter word for a beardless gnome?"

Then I realize the spelling--

N-O-A-M. Chomsky!

[ Laughter ]

What a great story, Stebe!

Theo: [Thinking] I'm a bigger fuck boi than that.

Anyway, enough locker room talk.

This is our board room. Hey, guys,

this is the health inspector.

He's gonna be looking at Factory 37 tomorrow.

You are not Reginald. Yeah!

What did you do with Reggie, you son of a bitch?

Reggie was my brother. I'm Brent, thank you very much.

Your new health inspector.

I hope your factory is clean as a whistle

because if not... F!

♪

That guy's a crack up, huh?

Stebe! 37 is the only factory that produces

our best-selling chicken seasoned flavor,

and it's a hot mess over there!

This company is over!

Guys, relax, what do you take me for,

some irresponsible hooligan?

I have a plan! What, distract him

with more crossword anecdotes?

Let's stick to the original plan and wine and dine this nerd!

This is my specialty, Stebe!

One night trying to party with me

and he'll be fartin' up blood by morning!

Theo, Stebe is the CEO-in-waiting!

Your father is lucky to have such a responsible leader

for a son! Hit us up with that plan, Stebe.

I propose we all go down to that factory

and give it a good ol' Royal Crackers scrub down!

Are you a fucking idiot...

...Savant?

Cause that's the most deceptively brilliant idea

I have ever heard!

Oh, no, no, no. What?

I can't go near cleaning chemicals

since my days as a hatter.

I'm an executive, Stebe.

Well, I-- Last time I tried to clean my apartment--

G-Guys, I just-- I think-- You lost, Stebe.

What? You lost.

I ended up naked on the 99 Freeway.

I lost? Yeah.

I don't imagine I make nearly as much as--

If I'm doing that again--

As much as whatever a janitor makes.

It'll by way of Theo's plan.

Pass! Everyone agrees with me.

You lost, dude. Give up.

But I-- Just give up, dude.

I'll give up after I punch you in the fucking face, bird-brain!

Why don't you kiss me? It'll do more damage.

[ Shouts ]

[ All groaning ]

[ Theo grunting, others shouting ]

Hit him harder!

[ All shouting ]

Violence is fun.

[ Shouts ] Oh, my nuts!

[ Both shouting ]

[ All gasp ]

Oh, my-- Oh, my God. I-I-I fucking killed him.

[ Both shout ]

You know what? I'm going to that factory

and I'm cleaning it myself!

If anyone wants to learn how to do things the responsible way,

come hang with me!

Or you can waste away partying with this loser!

Fine! To hell with all y'all!

[ "Seinfeld Theme" plays ]

♪

Jesus Christ, Darby!

Sorry, Theo! I have quiet feet.

You know this about me! That's true.

I have always known that about you.

You think I enjoy terrifying my loved ones on a daily basis?

Maybe one day they'll come in handy...

But I just don't see it.

So what do you want? And make it quick.

I just pounded three of these bad boys.

One more and I can't be held accountable

for any of the crazy shit we're about to get into.

Listen, we need to talk about Factory 37.

Stebe has no idea what he's walking into!

Th-- There's-- It doesn't matter what you say, Darby!

Stebe looked me dead in the eyeballs

and called me a bird-brain.

He's dead to me.

♪

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but even though I value Theo's life immensely,

sometimes I wish he lived all the way

on the other side of town!

Honey, don't say things you'll regret!

Besides, cleaning this factory

is the perfect way to prove that

you're the leader Royal Crackers needs.

I think your father was very impressed in that meeting!

Yeah. If only I had a son like me.

Hey, Champ. You excited about our little family adventure?

Do they have Wi-Fi there?

See what I mean? You don't get to choose em.

♪

[ Crows cawing ]

Hmm. This place is kinda creepy.

Hey, you know what? We have a responsibility here, Matt!

You're starting to sound like your Uncle Theo,

for Christ's sake! Your father's right!

Tonight we form a family pact-- no complaining.

We clean this factory as a family and that's that!

♪

[ Growling ]

Sir? This is from the table over there. [ Giggles ]

Let me be as clear as I possibly can here--

I do not want this drink.

He took the bait, let's go to work.

Hey! Look who it is!

Remember us? Your friends at Royal Crackers!

Yes, hi, I remember.

Hey, enjoy that margarita, guy!

It's on us! [ Laughs ]

Sorry but you couldn't pay me

to drink at this petri dish of a restaurant!

F! Hey, man!

We had my niece's quinceañera here!

W-- Well, let's go somewhere else then, dude!

I can show you the real Bakersfield.

Unless you're too scared?

No! I'm not scared!

I'm not scared of anything!

You hear me! I'm in!

Hell yeah, dude!

[ Laughs awkwardly ]

Whoo!

[ Groans ] Yeah!

Whoo!

Ugh.

Huzzah! Get the hell off of me!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Hey, this isn't so bad!

[ Switch clicking ]

Huh.

[ Clicking continues ]

Power's out.

[ Clicking continues ]

Okay, guys, family plan-- Matt, you go clean

the creepy loading garage.

It's massive and we only brought one scrubber.

I'll hang onto it just in case.

You take this toothbrush. This is my toothbrush.

Deb, you go down the basement and navigate through the dark,

narrow corridors of the factory underbelly.

See if you can find the power generator

and flip it back online à la "Jurassic Park."

I'll tidy up this small and easy-to-clean room.

Hey, wait a second! I am not going to...

Complain! 'Cuz that's a great plan!

I can't wait to go into that factory underbelly!

♪ Today has been a sad one ♪

[ Indistinct singing continues ]

What do you think, dude? Place is pretty sick, huh?

Already a better night than Stebe could ever show you,

I can tell you that. You ever done karaoke

with a freakin' rockstar before?

Oh, uh-- Yeah. But I don't want to get sidetracked.

What can you guys tell me about this Factory 37

I'm inspecting tomorrow?

Uh, oh, it's... like any other factory.

Completely up to standard, and clean as a fresh opioid needle!

What the fuck?! There's not a single TainT song

in this god damn thing!

The kitchen is closing in a bit, fellas.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, how 'bout a song selection

that doesn't support predatory behavior?

Excuse me? "Into The Night?" Really!

Why don't you go back and listen to that song?

Don't worry, I'll wait!

I'm sorry, but it's 9:30. We're trying to wrap things up here.

Maybe next week. Are you kidding me?

Look, fine, fire up "Into The Night"

and I'll write my own lyrics.

What song are you gonna do, dude?

♪

Oh, uh... [ Laughs nervously ]

A-Actually, I think I'm just gonna use the loo

and call it a night.

Thank you, everybody, bye!

[ Screams ] Oh, God!

Darby, you scared the heck out of me!

I've got real quiet feet.

Everyone knows that about me.

Now, about tonight-- Listen, I know you all think

you can get out of this inspection

by showing me a good time,

but as much as I love ripping into some karaoke,

I have a job to do tomorrow and I--

No, you listen. You're not leaving tonight.

You're gonna to party with us and have a great time.

Understand, you fucking asshole?

♪

Alright, Deb, you can do this.

You are brave, you are strong, you are hot!

You are brave, you are strong...

[ Growling ] You....[ Gasps ]

[ Screams ] Oh, God!

Okay, so I peed my pants a little,

but only a thimble's worth!

You are brave, you are strong, and you are hot!

[ Banging on door ]

Hello, is somebody here?

[ Banging continues ]

♪

Yes! Here it is.

C'mon, Deb. Let's flip this sucker on,

and then Stebe will be cleaning diarrhea off the factory toilets

for the rest of the night!

[ Groaning ]

Aha! Oh.

[ Computers beeping ]

[ Indistinct music plays ]

Hey, good work, Deb!

♪

[ Gasps ]

♪

Greetings, young whippersnapper!

My name is Theodore Hornsby!

Hah! How cool is this?

Theo is missing out big time.

You probably already know me

as the eternal CEO of Royal Crackers Incorporated.

And if anyone says otherwise, I'll slit them from ear to ear!

♪

Hello! I am Dr. Wolfe Von Trowell!

The living quarters have been completely overrun!

We've taken refuge in the cafeteria,

but we don't have much longer!

♪

Why, I'll be! If it isn't our lead scientist,

Dr. Wolfe Von Trowell!

Quite the contrary, Doctor.

You're right on time!

Oh, calm your nerves, Doctor.

This man is of the trustworthy sort!

Besides, we've long banned those people

from setting foot in our factories!

Spies. You can call me a racist all you like,

but I have a business to protect!

Ugh. Let's begin the tour, shall we?

♪

Here you'll find our state-of-the-art science lab!

Hornsby: As you can see, our team of elite scientists

are hard at work, modifying our chickens

to be more bountiful and tasty to grind up!

Oh, my dear God, here they come! [ Screams ]

[ Screaming, flesh rending ]

[ Banging ]

♪

And finally, our efforts paid off.

With this pink goo,

a genetic modifier unmatched

by any medicinal company on the planet!

A man of the cloth might call this "hedonistic meddling,"

but I'm no man of the cloth.

After all, why would I worship a God

that I have so easily surpassed!

♪

[ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Roars ]

What the fuck is up, Chucklebees?

[ All cheering ]

Here's the deal! I guess the bitch ass posers

at Chucklebees Corporate don't want y'all experiencing

the raw power of TainT!

So I'm about to sing a little song called "Into the Night,"

TainT style!

But first, I wanna call my main man

Brent Becker up to the stage to help me out!

Brent! Get on up here, you son of a bitch!

[ Whimpering ]

Go, Brent! Do it!

Carpe diem, young lad!

Get up there and have some fun, you piece of shit!

[ Screams ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Gasps, shouts ]

[ Roars, clucking ]

[ Screeches ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Hyperventilating ]

[ Squealing ] Oh!

[ Both chickens screeching ]

[ Chickens clucking ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Panting ]

[ Roars ] [ Shouts ]

I hate this factory, I hate cleaning, I hate chickens,

I hate responsibility, I...hate... everything!

[ Clucks ]

What a great man.

[ Yelps ] Hey, Deb!

I just cleaned that! Shut up!

There are giant mutant chickens

running around trying to kill me!

There are dead bodies in the cafeteria!

I have a thimble's worth of pee in my underwear,

And I have every right to complain!

We have to get out of here now!

Do you have a boner?

I'm into what I'm into, Deb!

[ Doctor screaming, flesh rending ]

Oh, Jesus, he found a computer.

Matt, you're not trying to learn Flash again, are you?

How many times do we have to tell you?

Animating is not your talent!

I-- It's not you-- There-- There's a video...

And I--

[ Grunting ]

[ Door opens ]

[ All gasp ]

[ Dramatic choir music plays ]

♪

Who dares interrupt my chicken party?!

[ All gasp ]

Who dares interrupt the chicken master?

[ Sobbing ]

Welp, looks like Stebe wins this round.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

No, no, he was right. [ Sighs ]

My party skills just aren't what they used to be.

[ Sobbing ]

I'm sorry, dude.

I know "Into The Night's" a problematic song,

but my lyrics would have made it super tasteful.

It's not that.

That's one of my favorite songs.

Oh... Well, what the fuck, dude?

We just dick teased everyone in Chucklebees!

What do you got, performance anxiety?

Performance anxiety, social anxiety, you name it!

Plus, nobody was disinfecting the mic between songs.

F!

I've been scared of everything my whole life,

including Factory 37.

The devil you say?

My brother, Reggie, wasn't your health inspector, I was.

But I was too scared to go into Factory 37 myself.

It just looked too spooky!

So every year, he would do the inspection for me.

Then, when I found out he was giving you good grades

in exchange for a wild night out in Bakersfield,

I called him a bird-brain

and demanded he go into that factory

and do the inspection responsibly.

He did, and he never came back out.

I regret it every single day.

You didn't call the cops?

And risk getting reprimanded at work?

That's a stupid question!

Okay, asshole, I was just trying to understand.

Tonight, I hoped that stepping out of my comfort zone

would help me work up the nerve to go in there tomorrow

and find out what happened to my brother.

Oh, your brother's dead, dude.

The devil you say?

I mean, more than likely.

37's overrun by mutated killer chickens.

Darby! Stebe's over there right now!

I tried to tell you!

But you said it didn't matter what I said.

I'll admit it, yeah, I did think,

"Maybe I should just plow ahead and tell him anyways."

But, I decided to just roll the dice that you were okay

with your brother being killed by mutant chickens.

Was that not the right move?

Jesus Christ! We have to save my brother!

I am the Chicken Master.

Many moons ago, I became trapped in this factory,

fighting these animals tooth and talon.

While barricaded in the science labs, I found this.

This pink goo.

It made me stronger, smarter.

It made me one of them.

It gained me their respect and loyalty.

But why keep making our crackers?

I don't know, it's something to do.

Hey, asshole! Stay away from my shithead brother

and his stupid family.

Theo! You're in trouble now! He's a rock singer!

Ha ha ha!

Is that Theodore Hornsby, the creator of the goo?

How poetic!

Who better to serve me than the man

who turned me into this monstrosity?

Leviticus, fetch the old man!

♪

Close the gates!

♪

Now we can really get this party started!

Dude, is he about to fuck our dad?

♪

[ Wind whistling ]

Ha ha!

I got quiet feet, motherfucker.

[ Chickens screeching ]

[ Humans grunting, chickens clucking ]

[ Whimpering ]

I can go all night.

♪

[ Roars ]

[ Clucks ]

♪

[ Both shouting, chickens clucking ]

♪

That's what I'm talking about! There you are,

Now that's a good team!

[ Growls ]

Children! Descend upon them!

Rip them limb from limb!

[ Roars ]

Brother! That's enough!

Well, well, Brent.

So you finally got the nerve to walk into Factory 37.

It all began at a nearby chain restaurant,

where these people insisted I go

with them to another chain restaurant for karaoke.

Arguably the best night Bakersfield has to offer!

But when the time came, I was too scared to do said karaoke.

Ha ha ha ha!

Look before you!

This is the direct result of all your fears!

You're right.

Theodore Hornsby is not the man responsible for this.

I am. And I'm sorry.

Take me in place of Hornsby

and I'll serve you for the rest of my life,

like the chicken that I am.

[ Crying ]

Very well. You are all free to go.

Barnibus!

[ Clucks ]

All I ask...

is that I be put on the payroll

as the general manager of Factory 37.

I mean I need some kinda income here.

Groceries, toothpaste, cotton swabs, etc.

Yeah, actually, uh, that might be a bit tough.

We'll need at least a W-4.

Parsinius! Hand her my W-4.

Okay. Tsh-tsh-tsh...

You claim 200 dependents?

My chickens!

I mean, best I can do is 100.

No. 101.

Thank you all for the best night of my life.

♪

♪ But I want you to know ♪

♪ If I could fly, I'd pick you up ♪

♪ And take you into the night ♪

♪ And show you a love like you've never seen ♪

♪ Ever seen ♪

Now go. Leave this place.

You'll get your supply of chicken seasoned crackers

and never have to set foot here again.

♪

Hey, Stebe, sorry I got so upset earlier.

Maybe being a bird-brain isn't the worst thing in the world.

Okay.

That fuckin' place sucked!

Oh, it sure did, pumpkin.

♪ I can't measure my love ♪

♪ There's nothing to compare it to ♪

♪ But I want you to know ♪

♪ If I could fly, I'd pick you up ♪

♪ I'd take you into the night ♪

♪ And show you a love ♪

♪ Oh, if I could fly, I'd pick you up ♪

♪ I'd take you into the night ♪

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