Original subtitles

Announcer: This summer...

comes the most anticipated event of the century.

I'm sorry did I break yo' concentration?!

He rocked the world with TainT...

He's paid his dues, and now he's back to collect.

What goes around comes around.

Three nights only. He's taking his solo act

across the Central Valley, starting Friday at

Kenny's Lobster Shack in Bakersfield...

Saturday at Penny Lanes Bowling Alley in Fresno...

then Sunday, he's back...

at Kenny's Lobster Shack.

The Theo Hornsby Jr Comeback Tour.

What can I say? I'm just getting started.

Announcer: Brought to you by Royal Crackers.

[ Explosion ]

♪

Welp, I've never been more insulted in my life!

Doctor said osteoporosis is giving me uneven legs!

Then she tried to give me orthopedic shoes!

I should sue her!

Anywhos, how was everyone else's day--

[ Gasps ]

Stebe!

What is this?

Well, Theo's on his comeback tour,

I let him borrow the car under the condition

that he'd use Matt as his roadie.

So it looks to me like we have the house all to ourselves.

Ooh, we gonna open up that sofa bed?

Hang out all night right in the living room?

Drinking wine and...

Eating jellybeans.

That's right, babydoll.

Ooh, and guess what.

There's a weekend marathon of--

Don't you say it!

"Antique-Appraisals."

[ Both growling ]

Hey, Matt, I bet you're wondering how your Uncle Theo

landed this sick venue for his kickoff show, huh?

You wrote your name on that paper?

Yeah, but I convinced them to have an open mic.

The manager here? Happens to be Moey D.

TainT's old hype-man. Now he's just wasting away

at this dead end job.

Sad.

Moey Deeeee! Dude!

You shoulda come on the comeback tour with me!

For old time's sake! Ha!

With my sciatica? Not a chance, bro-bro.

Anyway, I've got my hands full workin' overtime here.

Someone's gotta put my daughter through med school.

Med school! I...

Wow, It's been that long, huh?

Well-- Well, make sure you strap

an ankle bracelet on her every morning, dude.

Dwarf chicks are basically chum for human traffickers.

[ Laughs ] I gotta go check on the kitchen.

Good luck tonight, huh?

Gotcha dick!

What the fuck is up, Kenny's Lobster Shack?!

[ "Rusty Hook" plays ]

[ Whistling ]

♪

♪ I've been stuck ♪

♪ To this Rusty Hook for the longest time ♪

[ Diners gasp and cheer ]

♪ 'Cause I don't know what it means ♪

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪ To let go-- ♪

[ Laughter ]

This guy! Moey D: Ladies and gentlemen,

Kenny's Lobster Shack is proud to present

Bakersfield's favorite comedy duo...

Bill Peachknee and his pal Flappy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

How's everyone doing tonight?

What the fuck, Moey?!

I had a badass closer planned!

Dude, it's freakin' Peachknee.

[ As Flappy ] I'm guessing they're not very good after that performance!

[ Normal voice ] Flappy! How dare you!

That's Theo from TainT!

Remember that band from over 20 years ago?

[ As Flappy ] Theo from Taint?

No wonder it smells like balls and butt up here!

[ Laughter ]

Good one! [ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Normal voice ] Flappy, give the poor guy a break.

He's a struggling artist, for crying out loud!

[ As Flappy ] What about the audience?

They were struggling just to stay awake!

Rotate, bud!

Rotate? Yeah, sit on it and spin!

I'd rather let Freddy Krueger give me a rectal exam!

Maybe I can arrange that for you!

Excuse me?!

See you in your nightmares!

[ Laughs evilly ]

What is wrong with this guy?

Hey, no thanks, pal.

[ Laughter grows distant and muffled ]

[ Flappy speaking indistinctly ]

♪

Deb: Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm. Woman: My goodness, what a fabulous find.

That's armoire's gotta be at least $8,000.

At least. Gotta be.

What are you doing, ya lunatic?

Gimme some jellybeans!

Make me, you stupid idiot!

Stop it, you stinker!

Ow! Ooh, Hon, are you okay?

Did I hurt your little balls?

CBD gummies?

These must be Theo's! Oh, my God!

He's using drugs?

In your father's house!

I can't believe him! What, is he trying to tempt us

to ruin our lives, too?

Honestly, I just feel bad for him, Deb.

I mean he can't go through a single day

without putting junk in his body?

Sad. Yeah, when have we ever

needed drugs to go buck wild, right?

Y-Yeah, right.

Yeah, we can get pretty crazy without.

Heh.

[ Both sigh ]

Theo: Can you believe this? 20 years ago,

groupies were ripping each other apart

just to get to the front row so they could look up

my board shorts and catch a peek of my massive dong!

Now I'm being bumped by some hack and his puppet?

I thought you liked him.

You were laughing at all his jokes.

Because I felt sorry for him, dude!

He was bombing up there! I'm telling you--

Peachknee better pray I don't run into him on the streets.

Otherwise it'll be, "Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

Uncle Theo, what's going on with you?! "Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

You're scaring me!

Aah!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Both panting ]

Did you do that on purpose?!

Yes!

I-I mean, no!

Sorry, I don't like admitting mistakes.

Quick, grab his legs and let's get him into the trunk.

What?! No! We-- We should just call

the police and tell them what happened!

Matt! I'm driving around high as fuck

on CBD gummies! Plus, after all those people

saw me humiliate the shit out of him tonight,

I'll be suspect numero uno, dude!

Then what would happen? You'd go to prison.

Please. I ain't afraid of prison.

I'd be runnin' that place. You? You on the other hand?

I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Matt, if I get arrested for this,

we'll miss the show tomorrow.

You wanna upset my Fresno fans?

Be my guest. But they're loco.

And you better believe my one phone call's

gonna go to my web guy! He's gonna post on my site

that it was Matt Hornsby who didn't let me rock

Fresno's brains out.

We're in this together.

Welcome back to "Comix Off the Leash."

So, Jay, what do you think the Olympics'd be like

if comic book characters were allowed to compete?

[ Telephone rings ]

- Hello? - Darbyyyyyy!

Theooo!

How's the tour going, my dude?

Oh, you know. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

AKA the ush'. Ha ha!

Hey, make sure you go easy on those CBD gummies, my guy!

Pshh! Come on, guy. I'm a pro.

That you are, Theo! That you are!

So listen, I killed a guy last night.

What the hell?!

Hey, hey! It was an accident.

You know how hard it is for me to admit mistakes!

Give me some credit, dude!

I'm sorry. I am happy to hear that.

I know that's not easy for you.

Thank you! I feel like I'm making real progress out here.

Well, yeah, you needed this.

I did, right? I've been so irritable lately.

I mean, you saw it. I was stressed

with work and...

mu-- music.

What about that fat kid? How's he holding up?

[ As Flappy ] Hey, kids. [ Normal voice ] Hey, kids.

Ugh. Don't get me started.

Listen, Darby, I need to get rid of a dead body.

Dead body?!

Yeah, and we need to act fast.

Car's starting to smell like shit.

Why didn't you call me last night?!

Because I needed a good night's sleep

to get my mind sharp, Darby!

One slip up here and we could all go to jail.

Slept like a baby, by the way.

You're welcome. Okay, look.

Your dad has a guy in Fresno,

but we haven't used him in a while.

I'll make contact and try to get you a meet.

But no promises!

Okay, I printed out some of my Facebook research.

There's been no reported cases of an overdose,

so we'll take that with a grain of salt.

Uh, let's see, side effects may include nausea,

fatigue, and irritability.

So we'll need to follow the directions to a "T."

Way ahead of you. Read them over a hundred times now.

It says to take no more than three,

otherwise we could be playing a very dangerous game here.

You ready? Well, here goes nothing.

Mmm! Not bad.

[ Gasps ]

Stebe!

[ As Flappy ] Careful, kid! I'd skip the sausage

if I were you! From the smell of things,

I'd say the last guy that ate here didn't make it out alive.

Oh, is that right? You eat at a lot of

fancy places, Flappy? Why don't you name us one?

[ Normal voice ] I think he-- No, no, let him answer.

What Michelin Star restaurant have you been to, dude?

Please, indulge us! Uh, I, uh...

Yeah, why don't you take an improv class, you jackass?

Goddamn, where is this guy?

He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago.

Alright, gentlemen, I'm gonna need your undivided attention.

I talk fast and I act fast. Try to keep up

because I don't have time to repeat myself.

Nod once if you understand.

Good. Were you both in Senator Johnson's

suite last night for the private party?

I don't have time to play games, gentlemen.

I need you to make an effort to answer fast.

Lynx! Mr. Lynx!

Enjoy your breakfast, gentlemen.

Man: Aaaah! [ Farts loudly ]

[ Grunting, crashing ]

[ Toilet flushes ] Phew! [ Farts ]

Hi, I'm your fixer!

You fellas ready to get rid of a body!

[ Yelling ] What's got you shook up, boys?

Don't be scared! Tell me where the dead body is

and we can get to work!

Jesus Christ, keep your voice down!

The whole restaurant's looking at us!

Nothing to see here, people!

These fellas and I are just havin' a chat

about the latest airing

of "The Procter & Gamble Mystery Hour"!

Satisfied, Mussolini?

Yeah, good cover. Look, guy!

I have a show at Penny Lanes Bowling Alley tonight

and I have "equipment" in my trunk

that we need to "unpack." Capiche?

You're doing the Penny Lanes Open Mic?

I go up there every weekend! But first things first,

if we're gonna bury this dead body,

we need to do some housekeeping.

This ain't an episode of "The Procter & Gamble

Mystery Hour." We're gonna need to steal

the icebox of this here cafeteria.

If we can't get into the kitchen,

I'll whip out my trusty Derringer

and blow my brains out!

That'll buy you boys enough time to run for the hills.

But no icebox, so I guess we'll have failed.

Ready? On three!

[ As Flappy ] You're a straight shooter, old man!

I'm here for it! No, stop!

Dude, is it just ice that we need?

We need to preserve this body, mack!

Don't need the bulls to come sniffin' around the area

and catching a whiff!

We can't put ice in the trunk, you dipshit!

I got my equipment back there! Yeah, exactly.

No, I mean like my real equipment.

Wait, what are we talking about here?

So what'd this fella do to earn a one-way ticket

to Trunksville, anyway? He made fun of my show.

Everyone take note.

You don't disrespect another man's art!

You hear me?!

Boys, add the dry ice.

This'll keep our friend smellin' like daisies

and it won't ruin your gear.

We used to eat this stuff right off of the vine!

Alright, we need supplies. Shovels and the lot.

Where's the nearest Sears Roebuck?

[ "Rusty Hook" playing on radio ]

Hey! What's this on the ol' gramophone?

It's my new single. It's called "Rusty Hook."

You like it? It's derivative!

Want some constructive feedback, kid?

This day and age, you gotta have something groundbreaking

to make a real splash.

Ha! Please. You're not even my demo, bro.

In fact, I'd be worried if you did like it.

Nah, sorry. I'm gonna keep doing me.

"Keep doing me." I like that.

So where are we burying this talentless hack?

Probably need a nice quiet, undeveloped spot

with no prying eyes, huh?

What about quicksand? Quicksand!

Yeah, Matt. Let's go find some quicksand,

or call the tooth fairy and ask her to take the body

to Never Never Land.

I got a few of my favorite spots in mind.

Just keep driving and I'll tell you where to stop.

♪ Well, I left my home in Louisiana ♪

♪ To find some gold in California ♪

♪ So I packed my bags and headed east ♪

♪ Well, halfway there, I started to reckon ♪

♪ I was going in the wrong direction ♪

♪ Now I'm stuck in Tennessee ♪

♪ Yeah, I broke down at a rest area in Memphis ♪

♪ And a couple of guys... ♪

[ Tires screech ]

Hey, you shriveled nutsack!

I got a gig tonight, remember?!

Can't you find one spot that hasn't been

overrun by corporate interests?

Announcer: Attention Central Valley!

This is a Silver Alert. An elderly man went missing

from the Hidden Pines Nursing Home in Fresno this morning.

Be on the lookout for a super old man

with a big-ass nose, gross wiry hair

protruding from his ears, and known to make

multiple references to "The Procter & Gamble

Mystery Hour." Whatever that is.

Feel bad for that guy. Did you hear him?

He's never heard of "The Procter & Gamble

Mystery Hour." Sad.

Are you kidding me right now, dude?!

Are you even a real fixer!

Watch your tongue, boy!

I was once the best in my day.

But I got old. And now I'm locked in that

goddamn prison of a nursing home!

Sure, they let me out once a week for

the Penny Lanes Open Mic. But guess what!

The open mic'ers fucking hate me!

When I try to hang out, they all give me fake phone numbers!

Sometimes I'll spend all day

trying different numbers for each digit

hoping that maybe Bryce misspoke

when he said one of the numbers!

Nope! I end up calling half the town

just to hear them tell me they don't know a Bryce

and to stop bothering them!

I'm all alone. So when your man called me

about this job, I was thrilled.

I figured if I could do one more tour of duty,

then this could be my chance to make a comeback.

Wow. This is like looking into

whatever the opposite of a mirror is.

Matt: [ As Flappy ] It's called a window, you dummy!

Hey, if we're gonna be here for a while,

you mind flippin' that phonograph back on?

But not that crappy song of yours, Theo.

Do not disrespect another man's art!

Do you hear me?!

[ Grunting ]

[ Siren chirps ]

[ Both breathing heavily ] Oh, God.

[ Distorted voice speaking on TV ]

[ High-pitched ringing ]

It's-- It's not going away! I can't breathe!

I-I'm breathing really fast! Is that happening to you?

You said three and we should be fine!

Why would you say that thing to me?!

I don't know, that was days ago!

Or hours or minutes. I don't know!

Do you want me to be dead?!

Time has no meaning anymore!

Oh, my God, now it's happening to me.

I can't stop breathing!

We're dying. Is that normal?

We're dying! Is it normal

to not be able to stop breathing?

We have to get to the hospital. We have to go now!

Stebe, we don't have a car!

Get in, bitch!

How do you even know how to do that?

I have no idea! It's like I'm watching

someone else do it! [ Engine starts ]

Hold on to your tits!

[ Tires squeal ]

Good evening. Are you aware that your trunk

is on fire, sir?

Oh. Ha, that? That's just dry ice.

Special effects for my big show tonight.

I'm Theo from TainT. Maybe you've heard of me?

No, I have not. Well, it's pretty anti-authority,

so you probably wouldn't like it.

I'd be bummed if you were into it.

[ As Flappy ] Do you want anyone to listen to your music?

Shut the fuck up, Flappy!

Well, just wanted to make sure you guys are alright.

And you should get this fixed.

Whew. Thank God.

That was a lot easier than I expected.

No witnesses.

[ Slow motion ] Nooooooooooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Ow! What the hell was that?!

I shot you.

[ Stebe yelling ]

Stebe. I can't hold on much longer.

We're almost at the hospital, Deb!

This is my last breath.

I can't believe this.

First Theo takes my car against my will,

and now he kills my wife and I with his CBD treats?

Um, Stebe? Who does he think he is?

Thinks he's the coolest guy in the family?

I can be cool, too, you know.

He'll be sorry. People should be scared of me!

I swear to God! The next time I see him

it's gonna be like, "Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

What has gotten into you? You're scaring me!

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Stebe, stop saying pop!

Pop!

[ Grunting ]

[ Explosion ]

Well, sorry I made you miss your show, youngster.

I feel terrible.

Miss my show?! You ruined my fucking life!

I wish I was at Penny Lanes right now

so I could hang out with Bryce and trade stories

about what an asshole you are!

Oh, you know Bryce?

Hey! You're using things I told you

in a vulnerable moment to hurt me?

You have any idea how toxic that is?

You realize this was my chance to get back on top?

To make a name for myself again.

You know how many nights a week I dream about

finally getting on "TRL"?

Is that still on?

I don't know.

I stopped watching years ago 'cause every day

it would break my heart that I wasn't on there

cracking jokes with Carson... [ Grunts ]

...doing an uncomfortable joint interview

with Eminem or Mariah Carey,

coming in and hyping up those adoring fans

uncomfortably sitting Indian style on the floor!

I'm sorry your career dried up, but I still had dreams!

And you killed them all!

[ Groans ] Fixer? You okay?

Help!

Back away!

Let's move!

We're getting you out of here,

and one day, you're gonna be on MTV

standing awkwardly with Carson fucking Daly.

Hey! Stop right there!

There's the car!

Fixer: Aah!

Get in!

Theo: Oh, man, when Darby hears about this,

he's going to go buck!

Y'all should be ashamed of your damn selves!

I was out here having a nice quiet weekend

catching up on my "Comix Off the Leash" episodes!

Then I get a call from my cousin at the precinct

telling me he's got two white drug addicts

in the middle of an overdose who won't stop saying my name!

What the hell are you doing fucking around

with CBD gummies anyways?!

We wanted to be buck wild.

By doing hard drugs?!

Oldest tale in the book!

That ain't you, Stebe, and that ain't you, Deb!

This weekend, I've had to bail you out with your overdose,

I've had to bail Theo out with...

y-you know, whatever he's gettin' into over there.

All because no one in this family can just be comfortable

with who they are or where they're at!

The faster y'all realize that, the faster I can finally die!

Hey, Darby,

do you believe in the multiverse?

And can you explain it to us?

Jesus Christ! You're still as high as

some goddamn kites!

I'm outta here!

[ Door slams ]

Holy shit, quicksand's real?

Told you, Uncle Theo.

I guess I made another mistake.

Whew! I need a rest.

Hey, Fixer? I uh...

I'm sorry about what I said back there.

The truth is I know exactly how you feel.

No one knows who I am anymore, my fans are all old as shit.

I spend all my energy running away from that.

But you know what?

Watching you strap up your boots one more time to help me

bury this talentless hack?

Well, it was real inspiring.

Well, hold your applause.

You still haven't seen my closer.

What? Someone's gotta drive that truck

into the quicksand. It ain't gonna be you.

And something tells me that kid is too fat to drive.

What? No! Fixer, don't!

We can figure out another way!

There is no other way, Theo.

You and me? We live and die for our art.

There's one more piece of evidence we gotta get rid of.

[ As Flappy ] But I-I don't wanna go.

Matt, that's enough, we gotta--

Wait! I just-- I wanted to tell you

I actually did like your set last night.

What? Shut up!

I didn't even get through the whole song.

But it had good bones! You should keep at it.

I think pretty soon, you'll be bigger than you've ever been.

[ Chuckles ] Wow, thanks, Flappy.

You really think I'm good? Yeah!

For me to poop on!

Put the fucking doll in the truck.

[ Engine starts ]

Hey, Theo.

You keep doing you.

They'll come around.

♪

♪

[ Whistling ]

♪ I've been stuck to this Rusty Hook ♪

♪ For the longest time ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know what it means ♪

♪ To let go ♪

Chirp.

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