Original subtitles

♪

So, Matt...

your father and I couldn't help but notice

some rowdy music coming from your room yesterday.

What's up with that? It's a little too rowdy, Matt.

Starting to remind me of your Uncle Theo over there.

Oh, yeah? I love rowdy music.

Who you rockin' out to? Uh...

Ah-ah-ah-ah, lemme guess...

Bizkit? What?

It's a band, Matt. Oh, 'cause you would know.

I would know!

Uh... no?

Okay, Korn? No.

System? No.

Rammstein? No.

Slipknot? No.

God damn, you gotta hand it to Theo, Deb.

He knows a lot of bands! It's too many bands.

Disturbed? No.

Papa Roach? No.

Manson? Marilyn, not Charles. No.

What? Marilyn, not Charles.

No. Okay, a little more obscure.

Sevendust? No.

Deftones? No.

Soulfly? No.

Godsmack? No.

Jesus! Alright, just tell me what you're into.

What do you listen to? Just tell me!

Post Malone?

Yeah.

Uhhhhhh... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think I've heard some of their shit.

Deb, this meal is heaven.

- Just heaven. - Really good.

Yeah, honey. Great choice.

Burger Boyz usually gives me diarrhea,

but I can't help myself!

- [ Laughter ] - Okay.

You guys ever see that animation

of Homer Simpson backing into the bushes?

Uh, that's me right now!

Yeah! Too much TMI, Darby!

[ Laughter ]

Too funny.

Hey. Sometimes, when I hear about a singer,

I'll refer to them as "they" like they're a band.

There's a lot of people behind the scenes that help out.

Producers, engineers. So just--

That's why I talked about Post Malone

like he's more than one guy.

That's all.

He's from New York, bet you didn't you know that.

Theo, It's alright if you don't know who Post Malone is.

I know who he-- who they are, alright?!

I mean, I sat here and I named a hundred bands,

you pussies only knew the most mainstream one!

Hey! Theo, easy!

Theo, do not talk about pussies at our dinner table like that!

Okay, this is Dad's table, not yours.

Theo, the fact that Dad entrusted me to run

Royal Crackers says enough about whose table this is, okay?

The only thing you run is that stupid mouth of yours!

You weren't entrusted to run anything,

you took a job I didn't want because I was busy

touring the country makin' hits and hittin' slits!

I'm sure your father wishes you were still touring

with that no-talent band of yours

instead of just sitting around here taking up space!

That "no-talent band" was called TainT,

and Guitar World ranked us best NuMetal band

two years in a row, so here's a SuFi for each one, lady!

Y'all need to stop fighting!

Hey, I got an idea,

why don't we let Dad decide whose table this is!

- Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad!

- Dad! Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad! Hey!

- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! - Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

♪

Stebe: Okay, everyone, first order of business...

As you all know, Royal Crackers sales numbers are still down.

But lucky for us, the first boxes

of our black licorice flavor just arrived

and we believe they could single-handedly

save the company!

Hmm! Don't mind if I do!

[ Laughter ]

Mm. Hmm.

♪

Mm.

Meh.

Honey, do you need some water or--

♪

Are you okay, Stebe?

I'm fine.

Oh, my God, you're bleeding!

They got a lot of taste.

Delicious.

Anyway, we have a solid product here

that should practically sell itself--

SuFi, baby!

- Hey! It's Theo! - Hey!

Hey, there's my man Darby!

Bakersfield's best family attorney over here!

Royal Crackers Secret Handshake, ready?

Oh, no way!

Me?

[Bleep]

I mean, that's just straight-up offensive.

Hey, Theo, any chance of that TainT reunion tour

happening this summer?

I got my hands full with my solo stuff right now.

Plus, two of those guys are dead from jack hangs.

Ugh, can we have one meeting where we don't mention

auto-erotic asphyxiation?

I have a serious matter that needs to be discussed!

Well, honey, I mean, jack hangs can be pretty serious--

As Stebe mentioned-- our sales are down,

but more importantly,

we're on the brink of hitting a new low.

We're even at risk of falling behind

what has traditionally been our easiest competitor--

"Uncle Dipshit's Fart Wafers."

You know, once you eat about three or four of them,

you kinda get used to the fart taste.

Spit that out!

I have to get the black licorice taste out of my mouth!

Anyhoos, I have been doing some intense research on Facebook

and it turns out, social media is

a great way to promote your product!

I'm proposing that we put money

towards a viral marketing campaign.

We take to all social media platforms,

including Facebook, to become a viral sensation.

Well, Deb, honey, I would be honored to take the reigns

of this new viral marketing campaign.

What?!

Yeah, Stebe, I don't think you're right for this.

She's right.

We need someone fresh.

Someone young at heart.

Someone who knows this, what is it?

Facebook like the back of their hand.

Someone who can make our company blossom into the new age.

The person we should elect is none other

than that who's name I will utter now.

And that name is...

Me! Head of the viral marketing campaign!

Wow, Dad, can you believe it!?

Oh, you like this song, huh?

This is off our second album, "Bitch Slap."

♪

Theo!

Theo in charge of viral marketing?!

There was nothing we could do, Deb.

We were outnumbered two to four.

No, I was outnumbered one to five

because you voted for yourself, you idiot!

Even though you voted last and you had zero votes!

Well, excuse me for loving a comeback story!

Do you and your brother even have Facebooks?

Okay.

You've got to stop saying Facebook.

Am I saying it a lot?

Yeah, it's weir-- It's a lot.

Anyway, Deb, relax, it's just a viral marketing thing.

He'll make one YouTube video,

it'll go nowhere, and everyone will move on.

But what happens if he succeeds, Stebe?

The other board members already love him,

now he shows leadership skill,

your father dies, and you get stepped over for CEO?

And then what?

He gets dibs on your father's master bedroom?

I will not lose out on that master bath, Stebe.

It has a bidet in it!

Do you know what a bidet is!

Yes, I know what a bidet is!

A bidet washes out your butt hole after you crap!

I said I know what it is.

And I could just as well use it on my front!

Don't even try to stop me!

Deb, Theo's not responsible enough

to be CEO of Royal Crackers.

I'm the responsible one.

And as for his celebrity status,

his music isn't even relevant anymore.

You guys think I'm washed up?!

Well, allow me to school you posers!

1998 Family Values Tour!

I'm talkin' LB, I'm talkin' SOAD, I'm talkin'...

K!

The hottest tour in the country!

And I was set to be on that lineup,

and I would have been had it not been

for those backstabbing pieces of shit in ORGY!

[ Singer screaming indistinctly ]

[ Muffled shouting ]

♪

You both just made a very powerful enemy!

I'm gonna make a viral video that's gonna go so viral,

the board will be begging me to become CEO.

So with that, I've got one gift for each of you--

Don't... do SuFis again.

Am I doing it too much?

[ Dramatic music plays ]

- [ Gasps ] - [ Gasps ] - Dad!

Oh, my God!

Dad! Theodore!

Dad! Dad!

Dad, wake up! Get his clothes off!

Dad! Dad!

Wake up! Dad, wake up!

Dad! Dad! Dad!

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news.

Your father's fallen into what we in the medical field

call a "super-coma."

Or, more casually, a "SuCo."

He also suffered a pretty bad spinal injury

when you all thrashed him around like a rag doll.

We were spooked. Okay?

Yeah. So we let our emotions get the best of us.

What, is that a crime now?

What do you do when your dad has a nasty fall?

You go like this? "Hmm."

Look, guys. He goes like this, look.

"Hmm."

[ Laughter ] That's funny.

Okay, clearly you're all still upset.

Maybe it's best I come back when you've all calmed down.

♪

[ Thinking ] I don't act like that when my dad falls!

♪

Well, I certainly hope you're proud of yourself, Theo.

Proud of what? The $5 footlong in my underwear?

No, you idiot,

for putting your father in a SuCo!

You're blaming me for that?

Guys! This is getting us nowhere!

Look, I'd really hate to bring this up now but...

if Mr. Hornsby is really on his last leg,

then we need to start talking about

his last will and testament.

He-- He has a last will and testament?

In a safety deposit box across town.

It details everything.

Who the company goes to, who gets the house.

Should I go get it?

Yeah, yes. Go get it. W-We're not scared.

Yeah, I mean if it says what Dad truly wanted

for his estate upon his death?

Why would that scare me? Honestly?

It doesn't scare me at all.

Yeah, it shouldn't.

My-- My dad loved you like a daughter.

He also loved me, that's why I'm not scared.

I mean, do we live in a society where love

is something to be scared of now?

Is that where we're at in this country?

Exactly. Yeah. I'm not even that scared, TBH.

Like-- Like, on a scale of 1 to 10?

I'd put my scared level at like a 2, tops.

Well, I'm at a 9 just 'cause I'm scared about losing my dad.

Oh, yeah, no, I-I'm at an 11 when it comes to that.

Oh, really? 'Cause you just said you're at a 2, asshole!

I'm clearly more scared about losing Dad than you are!

Bullshit!

♪

Matt.

Matt! Get your fat balls in here.

Do you know how to work a DV camera?

Uh, I guess. Why are you doing this?

Oh, my God, Matt,

because if this viral video is successful,

I'll prove myself to the other board members

before your grandpa dies!

Then I'll force a vote, become CEO,

and make your asshole parents

work the mailroom for the rest of their lives!

No, I mean, like, why don't you just shoot this on your phone?

'Cause it has to look professional!

I want it to look just as good on a freakin big screen!

You think people wanna exclusively watch videos

on their phone?

Why don't you ask Quibi?

Oh, wait, you can't.

Well, yeah, b--

Because they went out of business.

Right, but-- In the year 2020.

I think-- 'Cause they thought it'd be a good idea

to shoot videos exclusively for the phone.

Alright, it's recording.

Make sure you get the background too,

they need to see all the cool crap in my room.

- You ready? - Uhh, yeah.

Okay, say "Action."

Say action! Action.

Hey, TwitterWorld, it's your boy Theo Hornsby here--

Frontman of the legendary rock band TainT!

You know, I've had to face some pretty tough challenges

in my life, from losing two bandmates

to botched jack hangs to being bumped from Woodstock '99

for poor results from my physical.

But I'm here to take on my toughest challenge yet,

"The Royal Cracker Challenge," where I'm gonna try and eat

an entire box of Royal Crackers within 10 seconds!

I'm asking y'all to do the same

and tag three friends to take on the crackers!

I challenge Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

Joe Rogan, and my man Ninja!

So without further ado, let's start the clock!

[ Thinking ] Alright, Darby.

Now let's get this will back to the office,

and we'll have finished a hard day's work.

You should be proud of yourself.

You don't practice enough self-love these days.

Maybe you should get back into meditation.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know what Burger Boyz does to your stomach.

You're on the clock right now, not a good idea.

Why don't you reward yourself after you drop the will off?

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Yeah, can I get six Burger Boy Burgers

with extra diarrhe-- er, extra cheese?

Darby Blarchardt's office, how may I help you?

[ Screams ]

Darby, what is going on!?

Burger Boyz! That's what!

[ Toilet seat thuds ]

[ Zipper unzips ]

Whew.

Wha-- No, no!

I need something to read!

Don't you have your phone? That's not real reading,

don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

God damn it, I've read these already!

Aw, come on! What the hell, man?

Darby: I'm sorry!

♪

Al? Rachel? We called this meeting today

because our company is in a dire situation.

Our current CEO, my father,

has just fallen into a super-coma.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Not a SuCo!

Truth be told, we just don't think

Theo has it in him to succeed

with this viral marketing campaign.

It's okay, you made a mistake voting for him.

It's water under the bridge.

Oh, I think Theo will do a fine j--

Shut up, Al!

You've entrusted the fate of this company

to a washed-up rocker who wouldn't know a viral video

if it bit him on the dick!

I will have a bidet

to wash my asshole out after I crap.

♪

Deb and I have prepared a presentation

that will lay out a new marketing campaign

that will rebrand us for a more successful future.

Years ago, Theodore Hornsby Sr. started this company

with one wheat garden and a small kitchen

in the back of a Chinese opium den.

He put all his efforts into crafting

the perfect saltine cracker.

And from that, he built an empire

that expanded across the nation.

Sadly, his mind started to go.

He could no longer keep conscious during meetings.

Innovation stopped.

We stopped trying to understand the evolving palate of America.

A company that once made America's favorite saltine

has become a relic of a bygone era.

Until now.

We've see our mistakes. We've listened.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

And this is ours.

Royal Crackers.

It's time for change.

Wonderful! Just wonderful!

Ugh, great.

Looks like every media outlet in Bakersfield

found out about the SuCo.

Just look at 'em. They don't even care about him.

Just clamoring for their little scoop on who the next CEO is.

Heartless vultures.

Yeah, little do they know they could have just stayed home

and watched our new TV ad.

It would have made it pretty clear

who's siphoning control from my father's lifeless hands.

Freakin' vultures.

Five million views, baby!

That's how many people have watched

The Royal Crackers Challenge! The what?

Not only are Royal Crackers sales blowing up,

but I am back in the spotlight.

People everywhere are gonna be kissin' my butthole

for a TainT reunion tour!

Which, by the way, will be clean

Because of the butthole washer in my new master bathroom!

♪

Announcer: This is a breaking news report from CVM.

Good evening, I'm Clair Bailey with breaking news--

A pandemic of choking deaths has ravaged the nation

after an online video called "The Royal Crackers Challenge"

went viral this week.

The video was created by one of two heirs

to the Royal Crackers fortune,

former TainT frontman Theo Hornsby Jr.

The video challenges YouTubers and social media influencers

to eat an entire box of Royal Crackers

in under 10 seconds.

What the fuck, dude? She's talking over the whole thing!

Due to the crackers being borderline inedible

and Hornsby Jr. being a washed-up laughing stock,

the video quickly became an ironic viral sensation.

Bro! Have you seen this video?

Who even remembers the band TainT?

This guy is so sad, you just feel so bad for him!

What a joke this guy is!

It was all fun and games until every video

took a turn for the worst.

[ Choking ]

Among the list of celebrity casualties--

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Joe Rogan, and Ninja.

Authorities are tight-lipped, but suggest foreign objects

found in the crackers may be to blame.

Foreign objects? What foreign objects?

I can't! I can't!

Ninja!

♪

Hi, I'm Stebe Hornsby!

And I'm Deb Hornsby!

As the CEO in-waiting and rightful heir

to the Royal Crackers fortune, we want to give something back.

A thank you for allowing us into your pantries

and onto your dinner tables.

So starting this week, Royal Crackers is tossing

a handful of loose change into every box!

Think of it as retribution

for not having your support over the years.

Royal Crackers.

There's some fuckin' change inside.

[ Horse whinnies ]

[ Flatline ]

[ Murmuring ]

Welp, I hope you all like your assholes dirty

because now none of us are gonna get the bidet.

Who cares, Deb!

No one's ever buying a box of Royal Crackers again!

For God's sake, we killed Ninja!

Hey, guys. I got here as fast as I could.

Do you think I could talk to him alone?

No weird stuff.

Yeah. Go ahead.

♪

Hey, Theo?

Can I ask you a question?

W-Why don't you ever ask me

to do the Royal Crackers Secret Handshake?

I don't know. Doesn't seem like something you'd wanna do.

I do want to. Badly.

Everyone in our company looks up to you.

You know how much it would mean to them to see me

get to shake hands with the super cool

Theo Hornsby Jr.?

Everyone lights up when you walk into that room.

That's why we worried when you got

the viral marketing campaign, Theo.

Everyone loves you.

They put up with Stebe. My husband.

But, you guys, I've got years of stage time.

Honing the craft of captivating an audience.

Don't forget-- I've opened for Papa Roach, for God's sake.

Yeah, that's big. But you know what?

I can't run a company on my own.

That's why we need each other.

We're sorry, Theo.

Come on, bring it in here, guys.

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

[ Sighs ] Mr. Hornsby?

There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just get right to it.

I wiped my ass with your will.

I know that sounds crazy, but...

I was in the midst of a Burger Boyz shit blizzard.

You know what Burger Boyz does to my stomach.

But I just can't help myself.

It's just too good. So shoot me.

Fuckin' kill me. Call the man.

Anyway, I had to read something

while I was on the toilet, so I grabbed your will.

And I just-- I got mixed up...

and I wiped with the wrong paper.

And of course at that point,

I had no other choice but to flush it.

You know what, I blame you for making it

such a compelling read, you know with the big plot twist

where you sell off all your assets

and give the money to Matt.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Hornsby.

Your will is gone.

I guess the board is just going to have to elect

Stebe or Theo to CEO...

♪

[ Monitor beeping steadily ]

Guys, you are not gonna believe this.

Ladies and gentleman, this week, as you all know,

our father and acting CEO of Royal Crackers,

Theodore Hornsby Sr., had a tragic accident

and fell into a SuCo.

Under the supervision of my brother and I,

Royal Crackers was single-handedly responsible

for the deaths of thousands of influencers across the globe.

It was caused by a lapse

in communication within our company.

But more importantly, our family.

But today, we are here to announce...

that Theodore Hornsby Sr. is back, alive and well!

As for all the influencers and YouTube personalities

that are now dead, sorry.

Sorry about that. You'll just--

You're gonna have to start over with those.

But! From this day forth,

we, under the supervision of our father,

will work hand in hand

to right the wrongs of these last few days.

Is that a good enough apology for you?

- Yeah. - Yeah, sure.

- That works for me, yeah. - I'm good with that, yeah.

Hey, who wants to see the Royal Crackers Secret Handshake?

[Bleep] [ Reporters gasp ]

[ NuMetal playing ]

♪

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