Original subtitles

LA is like nowhere.

Everybody who lives here is lost

#Nowhere#

Hey, Dark. - Hey what, Mel?

You want me to?

Well.

Beg for it.

Hi. My name's Montgomery.

Hi. - You have got the deepest, blackest eyes I've ever seen.

It's like I could just tumble right into 'em, fall forever

I just love the smell of fear and

boy mixed together, don't you, Kriss?

What're you gawking at?

Looks like we've got a deviant on our hands here, Kozy.

And we just hate, hate, hate any

sort of deviation from the norm.

Deviants are the scourge

contaminating this Great Nation

Dark?

Are you flogging the puppy again?

Lemme in. I gotta wash this crap off my face!

Mom, can you wait just a sec, please?

Honey, I have to rot my life away in a 9-to-5 hellhole

to support your lazy, juvenile delinquent ass, remember?

Sweetheart, chipmunk,

my little ray of sunshine

open up this motherhumping

door now!

Jesus, can you hold on?

Gripes, it's as soggy as an armpit in here.

How long've you been in that shower abusing yourself?

You pump your handle too much, young man.

It's gonna wither up and fall off!

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Bitch.

Mel, I gotta make a documentary about someone

I care about 'n' it's due next Wednesday.

And who ever said you care about me anyways?

Didn't I give you my Cap'n Crunch Decoder Ring back in the sixth grade?

That was Angelique Tewksbury, dorkball.

Hey, take your shirt off. Come on.

It'll give Professor Starkweather a boner 'n' he'll gimme an 'A'.

I'm sure. Take your Prozac, Dark.

What's the matter? You scared?

No. - Think of the scandal.

Everyone in class'll be all outraged.

Is this what you wanna see?

Oh yeah. Man.

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.

S'up, bonzo dog breath? Need a ride to class? - Nah. I'm not goin'.

Dark, you are gonna totally bite the eight whole credits you're retaking this semester

I gotta do some editing on my 101 project, then

I'll prob'ly head over to the Hole for some chow

Maybe I'll go with. I just got my period so I'm in full-tilt pigout mode.

And make sure you edit my boobs out.

I do not want every wally on campus oglin' my chimichangas.

Hey, Lucifer's not with you, is she?

I cannot stomach seeing her butt-ugly likeness this early in the day.

Lick my box, Rover!

Clean the maggots out of it first, you stinky oyster. - You guys

I mean it, Mel. I do not want to have to look at that

tarantula woman over my morning espresso

Don't be a seizure queen. We'll pick you up in fifteen.

Mel, I told you, I'm editing - Seeya, loverboy.

How you can continue to frog that annoying buttloaf when you have someone as

sexy 'nd rad as me around.

What would life be without a little mystery?

Mel? - Quoi?

You wenches done in there or what? I gotta whiz like a busted firehose.

Finale. - If it isn't widdle baby Zero.

Cut it out.

Bye, gross, huh?

So you uh, hittin' Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Puh-leeze, Zero. How did you hear about it?

You are not invited, shrimpskin.

You're barely old enough to shave.

Felch me.

C'mon, I got a date with Zoe 'n' she totally wants to go.

I already scored the car from Mom. - Life sucks.

I have got the skeeviest zit sproutin' right in the middle of my forehead.

It's gonna be a full-on third eye by the time we get to Jujyfruit's party. Hate that.

What I hate is when you get a zit way down on your

back in a spot where you can't even reach to pop it.

If you pop a zit on your forehead, you can get blood poisoning and die, y'know.

Lucifer, you are so dumb, you should donate your brain to a monkey science fair.

I read it in Mouth 2 Mouth, scrotal fungus.

Mel, what's this?

Dark being born.

Mature.

Yuk yuk yuk.

Whoa, Mel, back it up. - What?

Just back up, alright?

Need a lift? - Well

You're in my Modern Society class, aren't you?

Yeah, I think. - Name's Dark- thats "Dark" like

absence of light Or "Dork" like we all call him.

Cram it, furburger.

This is Mel, 'n' the loudmouth hag is Lucifer.

Montgomery.

We're on our way to the Hole for breakfast. Wanna join?

I, kinda have a class. - We'll eat quick 'n' drop you.

C'mon

So what's with the camcorder? You in film class?

Dark thinks he's gonna be the next Clive Barker- right.

Eat my turbo, willya Lucifer?

Actually, I'm convinced I'm gonna die soon in like a spectacular plane crash, fire,

chemical explosion 'n' I wanna film it so

there'll be this like cool record of my own death.

So I take my camera with me wherever I go

Isn't that just so bitchen

Will you please Shut - Up?

How do you know? - Know what?

That you're gonna, y'know die.

I feel it.

Like a prenomination. - You mean "premonition".

Whatever. - Well, I don't understand, how can you have one

if you can't even pronounce the frigging word?

I am about to lose my temper, Lucifer.

And I am going to deck you. - C'mon.

You guys

Alyssa.

Ooops.

Clumsy me.

Hi Montgomery. What're you doing here?

Aren't you s'posed to be in Thermonuclear Catastrophes class?

yeah, well, uh Hey.

Do you know what today is?

Friday? - No, dodo-bird.

It's Armageddon Day.

The day the world is supposed to end.

Like have you heard of "The Rapture"?

The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

No. It's like this radical religious movement in South Cambodia.

And all these thousands of people are giving up

their worldly possessions and leaving their families

All in preparation for 'The Rapture", ascending

into Heaven on the day that Christ returns to earth

and the world is destroyed.

And according to those scriptures, today is that day.

So, like, what're we s'posed to do?

I don't know. - Alyssa.

Are you gonna join us back here on Planet Earth sometime this decade or what?

Hi Dingbat.

Hey Montgomery. - Hi

Alyssa, me 'n' Egg been waitin' for like eons.

Hey, Dingbat. Can you, help me study for the History of Lethal Epidemics midterm?

Sunday, nine-ish? - Cool.

Are you goin' to the Kick The Can game tonight?

Duh. Yes.

C'mon. I am fully prepared to pork major.

Bye, Montgomery. - Bye. - Seeya.

I gotta burn these calories fast before I blow up.

Let's go rollerblading or something?

I'd rather have my ball hairs burned off with an acetylene torch.

Well, that can be arranged.

I better get back to class.

Are you OK, man? You look kinda pale.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I gotta go. - We're on our way out, we'll drive you.

You sure y'don't wanna come with?

I think I'm gonna go to the recordstore. - How now, brown cow?

Cowboy.

So, I'll see you later? - Yeah.

Hey, you guys playin' Kick The Can tonight? - Huh?

Kick The Can. At ten o'clock in the old baseball field.

Before Jujyfruit's party. - You're gonna be there, right?

Sure. - Okay.

Let's evacuate, please.

Hey, don't forget our gig at the Buttcrack next Wednesday.

Who's opening? - Sandy Duncan's Eye and Jayne Mansfield's Head.

Boge. I met the drummer for Sandy Duncan's Eye at a party.

Reeks like a barnyard animal. - So come late then 'n' just see us.

Hey, have you seen Bart around today?

Y'know, we were s'posed to rehearse this

morning 'n' he like totally flaked again.

Barty boy. Haven't seen you in a golden age

Yeah I've been busy. - Busy jonesin', y'mean.

Whatev

C'mon, Handjob, quit screwin' around.

Hey Bart. To whom do we owe the pleasure? - Hey Kriss, Kozy.

We were hoping you were here for an appointment.

Actually, me 'n' Handjob're just conductin' a bit-o-business. - Oh bummer.

Isn't that a humongous bummer, Kriss?

Bart's here for my brand of bliss today, ladies.

I dunno what to do.

It's hard enough bein' in a band with your boyfriend, but

when stuff like this starts happenin'! mean, what'm I s'posed to do?

Fire him?

Or break up at least.

OK, ladies

SCARF!

Hey so what's up with my video, man?

I'm still in the 'conceptualizing' stages.

Don't worry, it's gonna blow your testes off. - Yeah?

You 'n' Bart are like trapped inside this like gigantic, slimy uterus

Glug. - Are you gonna?

I promised my mom I'd stop for a week.

You? - I'm just gonna do a bunch of speed later 'n' not eat for like three days.

Sorry Sorry.

Isn't that. - OhmyGod.

Well, I guess I'd better go hunt for him.

Wait. Can you drop me at Aran's? I wanna score the new Dead Puppies CD.

I'm sorry the door was unlocked 'n' I. - Forget about it.

What's your name? - Egg.

Well, I mean, my real name's Polly, but my friends all call me Egg.

'EGG'? - It's dweeby, I know, but it just kinda stuck.

Well, hi Egg. - I'm...

I know who you are.

I'm not from another dimension.

He looks shorter in person. - So what?

He's still the total definition of yummy.

OhmyGod, whatdidhesay?

Nothing really, he just. He invited me to go for a walk. - WHAT?

Hey, did y'hear what happened to Marcus?

His butthole fell out 'n' he has to have surgery.

Oh Henry.

Oona-eye.

Are we still in reality?

My palm itches.

Where's your twin brother Shad?

Death:

Cool.

Have I ever told you that I love you?

Stow it'n'pay the lady, Shad.

Watch out, breeders! - Watch out yourself, you freakin' lezbots!

Eat my Bermuda Triangle, Shad!

RACE!

You alright?

Kill.

Hey, look who it is

Hey Jana, isn't that your muffdiving little sister over

there with her disgusting Bosco-flavored girlfriend?

Insert it in your clammy crevice, will you Shannon?

Hey, I think I need to pump again.

I could use a firm-up too.

Puke-ity. - Kiss it and make it better.

So what're you gonna wear to Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Clothes.

Can I borrow your Human Sexology notes from last Friday?

Am I, like, the only person on this cosmic plane who ever goes to class?

Hey, do you think Montgomery likes me?

He's weird. - Y'think?

Yo, Alyssa! - Hey Ducky.

Hi, Ducky. - I just woke up.

Really? - You guys hear Muriel's in Cedar Sinai?

Who's Muriel? - My stepmom.

She's like way anorexic: she passed out in her low-impact

aerobics class 'nd they had to carry her out on a stretcher.

Oh, drag.

You guys gonna be at the Kick The Can game later?

l am.

Later, tater-tots. - Right.

Hi Elvis.

Where've you been? - Places. Get on.

What does she see in that scuzball?

You smell like a wet dog.

Complainin'? - Nope, rreeeorrrr.

Y'seen Egg around? It's her turn to recycle the aluminum.

OhmyGod. You haven't heard? Your little sister just left here with you're not

even gonna believe this. Do you ever watch Baywatch?

D'you think this is completely freaky or what? - What?

Y'know. Hangin' out, with me, like this.

Well it's alittle surreal, I guess.

You have no idea how sucky it is being like, a "celebrity".

Everybody treats you like you're not even a person

anymore, like you're this thing, this entity.

You're eating dinner in some restaurant, or

goin' to the movies or whatever, and people stare

and point at you, start whisperin' to their

friends like you're some exhibit at a freak show

Wow. - That's why I like being with you.

I mean, I don't know you that well or anything, but you seem, I dunno, different.

Neat. - Thanks.

Do you wanna sit? - Sure.

OhmyGod. Jujyfruit's party is tonight and I have no clue who to go with!

What about Jason? - I'm going with Jason.

Well then, I'll go with Tomas.

I thought you were going with Tomas. - Tomas has a dinky weenie.

You did Tomas? - Ewww, I'm sure, gross.

I thought Jason was doing Tomas.

Jason is doing that Valley sluthole llene Schwarzkopf.

Untrue. Says who? - llene. - And you believe her?

Hello, she lives in Whittier!

If Jason did llene, then he must've done Richard.

Who's Richard? - llene's other scag.

Like she's totally into these kinko threeways.

llene is a whore.

Is Richard the surfer with the hairlip that drives a black Jetta?

No, he's got a Lexus. - I thought he hung himself.

No, he's, like, totally gorgeous. Plus he's got a Lexus.

Is he gay? - Who? Jason?

Richard? - Tomas.

Well, duh. What do you think, dingleberry?

I swear, Trudi, you can be so...

Yeah, I wanna write and direct

I have to ensure that the artistic integrity

of this project isn't compromised

first thing Monday.

I ever-so-solemnly swear. 'K.

Ciao, J. F. Christ.

Hold on.

Coming.

Where is he? Where is he?

He was here tike an hour or so ago

but no, man, he's not here now.

See Barty boy has left the building. - Where'd he go man?

Did he say where he was going? - Heaven.

He said he was taking a hike up

that or Stairway To Heaven.

Bye.

My hat. Where's my hat.

So, are you in school? Studying?

I dunno. Nothing.

Well I mean, a bunch of stuff, nothing specific

Well, just as long as you aren't in the Industry.

I have sworn off all actresses, models, d- girls, you-name-it.

Forever. I have this fantasy.

It's probably comball or romantic, I know but

there's times when I want to just disappear.

Meet up with someone special, and just run away, never be heard from again.

Don't you think that'd be killer?

Me too.

I figured you'd be here.

Hey Dude. - Bart. You promised me, man.

I'm sorry, Cowboy. I'm really sorry.

You have got to get clean, man.

You've got to. Or it's all over.

Okay? You, me,

the band, the whole falafel.

I will, Cowboy. You know I will.

I mean it this time, Bart.

C'mere,

come up here.

No, man. Just get clean.

Look, I'll do anything to help you

through it but we cannot do this anymore.

You get it? No more.

I love you, dude.

Thirsty?

Dyin'.

So howyadoin', smiley?

OK now.

Mel. Dark.

I love you, Mel.

Totally true and pure Mutual.

1 just wish we didn't like get together with so many other people 'n' stuff

Palooka, you know

that I firmly believe

that human beings are built

for sex and for love.

And that we should dole out as much of both

as possible before we're old and ugly and

nobody wants to touch us anymore.

I know

And just because I make it

with other guys and girls

has no effect whatsoever on my feelings for you.

Sometimes I feel so old-fashioned and from another planet.

It's like I'm half a person without you.

You are so cute.

Life is so complicated.

I wrote a poem for you last night.

Want me to read it to you? - No.

Hey Elvis Do you believe in God?

I don't believe in anything.

You have to believe in something.

No I don't.

Tie me up.

OK, Mr. Kinky.

This OK? - Tighter. Tighter!

Now the pants baby, the pants.

Okay now, spank me, baby.

Spank my hot, tight, rock-hard ass!

Harder! Harder! HARDER!

Uh, Elvis?

I love you.

Ditto, hugbunny.

I love you, Lilith i love you more than life, more than death,

more than time more than space I love you, I love you.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

Mommy.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. - Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

In this world of depravity and perversion,

who is the Only One that can lead you out

of the muck, out of the dank, filthy swamp

that mankind has foolheartedly sunken into?

JESUS!

Jesus! Jesus who died on the Cross for our sins.

Welcome Jesus Into Your Lives, Brothers and Sisters,

So That He Can Show You The Way Into The True Kingdom of God!

I read someplace that that dude's got like twelve wives.

I think I'm drunk. - Most excellent.

To Destiny.

Hey. - What?

You are so beautiful

wait stop.

Don't play little innocent virgin with me, babe. You want me. Admit it.

You wanna make it with me so you can go back to say,

"Hey, I just screwed a big star, aren't I just So Bitchen?

No please. Don't please, stop no.

What're you gonna do?

Sir? Excuse me, sir? Is everything alright?

Yeah, everything's fine. I just knocked over a chair by accident.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

Have a good evening. - Thanks.

Well, that was a close call, now wasn't it?

But tonight, tonight is your lucky night,

little Egg, because you're gonna get the best

dogging of your perky, pathetic little life,

and you're gonna love every single second of it.

You'll feel like you've just died and went straight to Heaven

Dear, sweet and tender Bart.

How do you spell Relief?

Isn't sex just the best tension release there is?

It's like a really good, sweaty game of

racquetball - only you get to come at the end.

I adore you.

What a nice thing to say.

Why don't we just bout the Kick The Can Game 'n' hideaway here in my room forever?

What time is it?

No way.

I was s'posed to pick up Lucifer twenty minutes ago.

Mel - She is totally gonna roast my rump.

Mel - Angelboy, I gotta go.

Mel, waitasecond.

Will you marry me?

You are too precious for words.

Okay, I'll see you at Kick The Can.

'n' don't forget it's your turn to provide the X.

Love you, pooh butter.

Bye.

Zero? - Yeah, Zoe, it's me.

Be right down.

Hey homey. Why so jumpy?

I just. Nothing.

Strawberry.

I missed you.

You just saw me the day before yesterday, kumquat.

So? I missed you anyway.

Y'mean "Gilligan" here missed me.

We both did.

You're our favorite person in this whole, wide, scuzbucket world

You are the sweetest boy ever.

So did you get the address to Jujyfruit's Party?

Zero. - Hey Would I ever let you down?

Hi honey. How was school today?

Great.

Don't forget, the Father-Son Bowling Championship is next Saturday.

I won't forget. - Hungry?

There's leftover taquitos in the fridge.

Thank you.

Miracle AIDS cure turns out to be a hoax.

The Atari Gang continue their reign of terror in the city.

And Palos Verdes City Councilwoman Andrea Sperling insists her teenage

son was kidnapped and experimented on by Space Aliens.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Tough tits, dickweed.

You're It.

Tabithatime.

1, 2, 3

4, 5, 6,

7, 8, 9, 10.

11, 12, 13

17, 18, 19

20.

There it is, babe. The vast and arid wasteland of

glittering filth, emptiness and death.

Hooray.

Hey, did you hear about that old guy in Brentwood who croaked

and then by the time his neighbors found him,

his dog had eaten half his face off?

Dogs eating people is cool.

Let the love feast begin.

Occupied, dude. - Sorry.

Hey, you guys goin' to Jujyfruit's Party?

Buzz off, twerp.

Assholes.

Goddamn chipmunks.

Now what?

Not there.

There.

Taste good?

I just love the Milk Chocolatey Goodness of...

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

What a' goomba.

You see him? - He's fifty feet from the can

and so blitzkrieged, he's like staggering around.

Ducky? - What?

Have you ever like, I know it's none of

my business or anything, but I kinda heard

this rumor that you're kinda like waiting

for the right person. - That is not true.

I've "done it", I'm sure.

With who? - Lotsa people. A buncha different times.

What'd you do that for?

I think you chipped my tooth. - C'mon.

FREEEEEEEEEE!

Cripes, don't bust your ballsac.

You scared me. - Obvious.

Has Dark been through here yet?

No.

Well, Ducky 'n' Dingbat're already free.

Dark is so swacked he's already doing the Cujo.

Y'know, the "Cujo."

Oh.

Well, later.

Don't let the Boogeyman get you.

Right.

Jesus, Cowboy

Yum.

Your turn.

Yabba-dabba-doo.

Let's go, baby.

Lets go-go-GO!

I wanna DIE!

LETS ALL DIE!

What is it?

Nothing. I just.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the Big Earthquake hit

and all the nuclear power plants in California blew up?

I mean, what would they do with all the

hundreds of thousands of dead bodies?

Babycakes, just go back to sleep.

Polly, honey? Everything alright?

I'm fine, Dad. - Y'want something to eat?

We saved you some shepherd's pie.

No, thanks. - I'm not very hungry

Y'sure? We can heat it up in the micro.

Thanks, Dad, really.

I ate already with Alyssa and Dingbat.

Maybe later then. - OK

Are you lost, my little lambs? Confused?

Don't know where in this world to turn?

Back in a flash.

Damn.

Godzilla? You there, man? Pick up.

C'mon, Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

i need the address for that party tonight at that Jujyfruit dude's place

So when you get this message, leave the

address on my machine 'n' I'll beep in.

Thanks, Holmes.

Once we get there, I'm gonna rip Jujyfruit's balls off 'n' wear 'em as beef earrings.

Yeah, well, they're not gonna go with those shoes, you low rent whore.

Hey, where's the crystal, who's got the crystal?

Well? Did you get the address?

You are a drug pig.

I'm rubber, you're glue

Didn't I tell you? Don't you worry 'bout a thing, babe.

You're the Best!

Montgomery?

Mel?

Butthead hogbitch Lucifer?

Anybody here?

Montgomery. Dude

FREEEEEEEEE!

My fellow children of God, will you do me this one teeny li'l ol* favor? - Yes!

Wherever you are, put down whatever it is you're doin' And Close Your Eyes.

C'mon, do it with me now. Don't be shy.

Nobody's watchin'. Close your eyes, shut'em tight.

Now, along with me, think about Heaven.

Concentrate.

Get a full-color, widescreen picture in your mind.

Ain't it nice?

Ain't it so downright beau-ti-ful?

Just feel it. Feel that White, Pure,

Holy Light cascadin' through your veins,

coursin' through your Body And Soul.

Praise Sweet Jesus! Whooaa!

Now doesn't that make you feel so much better?

Just thinkin' about Going Straight To Heaven,

Doesn't it make you feel Soooo Goshdurned Good Inside?

Inner Peace, Harmony, Eternal Everlasting Salvation.

It is yours, people, All Yours.

And all you have to do is Believe.

Believe! Do you believe, my fellow children of God?

We believe. - What's that?

I can't hear you, brothers and sisters. - We believe.

We believe.

I CANNOT HEAR YOU, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!

We believe.

I CANNOT HEAR YOU, BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

It's like I got cottonbalts stuck in my ears! We believe.

You at home, you gotta me help out. You gotta let me know,

YOU GOTTA LET JESUS KNOW! - We believe, we believe

LOUDER, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, LOUDER! LET SWEET JESUS HEAR YOUR PROUD,

STRONG, MAGNIFICENT VOICES ROARM!

We believe we believe

We believe.

You are such the driving talent.

Hey, loser. - Looooooooser.

Where's Montgomery? Everybody else is free.

We can't wait around for him all friggin' night.

I saw him in the locker room a while ago. Did you check in there?

What's the matter, Dark?

Isn't that his cross?

What, did he get bored 'n* go home or something?

I swear, that guy is so capital L-A-M-E.

I vote we migrate to the party, okay.

The keg's already extinct I'm sure.

Don'tcha think we oughta wait for him?

I mean, what if... - He can hook up with us later.

He knows the address.

Besides, I don't know if it's the 'stacey, but this place

is startin' to give me the heebies. - I gotta make a call.

I'll catch you guys there.

Bye. - Seeya. Whatever.

Why're we stopping?

Are we lost, huggybear? - 'Course not.

I just, I'm figurin' out the shortcut route

Zero It doesn't matter.

Imean, I really don't care about that soggy or party.

It probably sucks anyway. - Zoe, we're gonna find it.

I would never let you down.

You are a dream come true,

OK, out! You heard me, pinhead.

Get outta the car before I perforate you.

Please. It's my Mom's. She'll kill me.

Well, tell 'er that The Atari say

"thanks for the bitchin wheels, bitch!"

Zero, don't�ZEROHH.

Oh, cuddlepuppy

Hey, Mr. Sighvatssohn. It's Cowboy.

Is Bart in?

I can't understand. What?

Speak English please. I. Mr. Sighvatssohn,

I can't understand you. Speak English please.

I don't know how to How could this happen?

Our beloved son.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God My baby My poor, sweet baby.

What?

I don't know what.

Mr. Sighvatssohn?

Gimme that!

I'm full of hate. I want to kill. I'm full of hate. I want to kill.

CRANK IT UP, BITCH!

CRANK IT UP!

LOUDER!

LOUDER!

Isn't this fun? - Sure.

Don't worry, smooshkins I love you.

Me too. Totally.

But my mom is gonna wire a car battery to my testicles.

Hey tadpoles. Wanna ride?

Yeah! Where you headin'?

Well, there's this party at Jujyfruit's.

Co-ol!

Ready?

Assume the position.

OhmyGod, have you seen Theresa lately?

She gained like fifty pounds in one week!

I warned her not to stop doing crystal.

Cool. - Blood is cool.

No honey, your tongue is cool.

Sick! Glory Hallelujah, I am so polluted

Awesome!

Jujyfruit.

Wet party, amigo.

What'sup, Handjob? - Me. I'm up

Yeah, hey, got any horse tranquilizers?

Sorry, man, I took my supply before I came.

But I have some cat-a-clys-mic� Jujyfruit!

So, like, location of the kegger?

Brewski, bro? - Yeah sure.

Think I stepped in dog doo. - Getcha a beer?

Score me one too? - Yeah, just grab as many as you can.

What am I, the friggin barmaid?

Come with.

Mel, we gotta talk. - Yeah?

I think we need to discuss our relationship.

What relationship?

Dark, Baby look, I don't think

this is the time or the place.

Mel!

Surf. Ski. 'sup? - Sameole, sameole.

Hey Dirk.

We haven't seen you since that time backstage

at the Palace after the Engorged Gonads show.

You Tarzan, Me Jane.

Super-sonic!

Isn't that your twin brother?

What? Oh, hi sis.

Dad said for me to remind you to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Well, you can tell Dad to kiss my grinnin* grunt lizard.

No wonder I feel so randy all of a sudden.

C'mere.

Hey. D'you know Alonzo DeLosa?

That dude never shuts up.

Well, he shagged this chick he met at Jones a couple weeks ago,

and last Wednesday, he woke up 'n' his pecker

was covered in itchy, black, pus-oozing sores.

'Bout time. - Bend over, robot.

Where's Mel? - Hey you guys, Bob's here.

Who's Bob? - That hermaphrodite pornstar who can screw himself.

What's a hermafrodyke?

Ducky, man. Phone call. It's your parental unit.

Hello? HELLO?

Hey, cutie. Can I jizz on your face?

Wait a second, Dad I can't hear you

Hey, where's Lucifer goin'?

I gotta leak major.

Okay.

Ooopsie.

hi.

Hi

Your thing is out.

Huh? Oh.

Sorry

Are you done?

yeah 'cept well

Ewwwwww! Repulse-o.

Guess I'll have to use the other John, 'scuze me.

So're you gonna get with Surf 'n' Ski tonight?

I s'pose.

Mel, are we still together, or what?

Dark

I just wish things weren't so messed up 'n' confusing, that's all

Can't we just leave this place?

Can't we just leave this whole planet behind and

forget about everybody 'n' everything and just like be in love 'n' stuff?

oh Dark

Hello? Put the drugs away and open up!

Dark, I Look, can't we just deal with this later?

Okay?

okay?

I just really miss you, that's all.

Hello? L.A.P.D. - Can you hold on a minute?

I gotta go pee.

Hey sis. - What're you doing here?

Hangin. - I need air.

Hey, Dark. How's tricks?

Hey Zero. - Radical party, huh?

Yeah, sure. - Dad, slowdown, I.

Son I don't know how to

Dad? What is it?

It's, it's your sister

What is what's wrong Dad

Hey Dark, have you seen Ducky?

He disappeared.

No.

I think I'm gonna bail. - How come?

'Cuz this party's about as fun as an ingrown butt hair.

NOOOOOOOOOOO.

DUCKY!

Grab his arm.

One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand

one one-thousand Ducky?

Get me a towel.

EGG EGG - Ducky!

How would you like to sit on my

face 'n' cut a big, juicy fart?

Yo! Dark.

What's happenin', Handjob?

No poontang, that's for sure.

Pardon my french.

Hey, need anything?

Up, down, all around

Nah. I'm blowin'.

It's been a gnarly day. - Yeah?

In the last eighteen hours, I've seen four

people get abducted by a space alien,

watched Ducky try to drown himself,

plus I spent like 387 bucks on CDs at Aran's. - Kick my mom.

Hey, what CD's'd you score?

Hey, punk. Remember me? The one you sold the bad drugs to?

The one you ripped off? - Elvis, baby, c'mon.

Where's my money. Huh, punk?

I, got some stuff in the car killer stuff it's yours gratis. - Elvis, DON'T!

Elvis, STOP IT!

C'mon! C'MON ASSHOLE! C'mon.

Come and get me. Come on big man!

Oh my God Elvis, STOP IT!

Dear Diary What a day.

I swear I have never been so depressed and miserable and lonely in my entire life.

It's like I know there's got to be somebody out there somewhere,

just one person in this huge, horrible, unhappy universe

who can hold me in their arms 'n' tell me everything's gonna be OK.

But how long do I have to wait before that person shows up?

I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand,

watching everyone around me die a slow, agonizing death.

It's like we all know, way down in our souls,

that our generation is gonna witness the End Of Everything.

You can see it in our eyes.

It's in mine. Look.

I'm doomed.

I'm only eighteen years old and I'm totally doomed.

Wait.

Jesus!

Montgomery.

The weirdest thing just happened to me.

Well, are y'gonna just stand there with your mouth hangin' open,

or are you gonna let me in?

Sorry.

Thanks.

So, like, what happened?

I got kidnapped by space aliens.

Really?

'n' then what?

Well, they did all these tests 'n' experiments 'n' stuff on me,

then I overheard them talking about their plan to take over the earth.

Then I escaped.

No way. - Way.

FookinA.

I feel strange.

I think I'm catchin' a cold or something. - D'you wanna, um?

Is it OK if I just, uh, rest here for awhile?

I'm suddenly like soooooo tired. - Sure.

Well, aren't you? Gonna?

Yeah

I, hope you dont take this the wrong way.

I mean, I know you and

Mel are like, whatever.

"Whatever" is right.

She's all, you know.

It's not like I'm gay or anything

and I know we kinda just met.

But I really like you alot.

And I think about you.

Me too.

I mean, I feel the same about you

Like when I was trapped in the pod thing that the Aliens held me captive in,

all I could think about was what if they kill me,

and I never get to see you again?

This sounds retarded and pathetic I know,

but all my life I've been searching

for one special person on this awful,

scary planet who I can love,

who loves me for what I am.

That is so poetic.

Is it OK if i spend the night?

I really wanna sleep next to you.

Only if you promise

to never, ever leave me.

Deal.

What's is something the matter?

Montgomery.

Montgomery, what is it?

Montgomery, Montgomery, Montgomery. Tell me what it is.

Please!

MONTGOMERY-MONTGOMERY

Ohmygod, stop

MONTGOMERY

I'm outta here.