Original subtitles

Hey! Listen!

You like it when I grab you and I breathe on your neck.

My tongue is like an anteater.

I can kiss you at any moment!

When I opened the beach cabin door, you saw me in a thong and went wild.

I saw how you devoured me.

I know my rear end is the pinkest in all the Mediterranean!

And so?

You big glutton You like it, you lovely slender lady

You like good stuff

Here is my beard

You big glutton You like me, lovely big tits.

You like good stuff Look and touch a bit

You'd like to nibble my lobe, huh? Nice and fleshy like a child's bottom.

I know I'm interesting.

I saw how you go crazy over my brown sandals.

Hold still! Don't bite me too hard!

I could go berserk any moment.

You big glutton You like me, lovely, towering lady

You like good stuff Here is my cheek

You big glutton You like me, lovely slender lady

You like good stuff

Look and feel

You big glutton, lovely big tits!

Lovely, towering lady!

Lovely golden body!

Tell me you are my lovely golden body! Say it.

Alberto! Alberto, it's eight o'clock.

Alberto, wake up, darling!

The second alarm will ring. You must get up and turn it off.

I'm sorry, but you really must get up now.

Where are the pills for my pressure?

Remember not to drink the fish water as usual.

I left the water pitcher on the table, to the right.

Come on, darling. It's late!

She sleeps with earplugs.

She treats me as if I were a horse.

If you get a wife made in the USA, 100% American,

you have to submit to such things.

Open up!

Love! Your tea.

Who is it?

My love, please. Excuse me.

Relax, my love. I just wanted to wake you up with a nice kiss.

Are you all right?

Helen! Helen!

The plumber hasn't inverted the shower faucets yet.

Now you tell me!

Piano or cello? That is the problem!

It's not a problem, love.

I already prepared both instruments.

It's the dilemma of my life.

At times, I feel I have a double soul.

Maybe that's why I didn't become a great musician.

You are a great musician, my love.

Eleonora, don't arouse instincts that are dormant inside of me.

They've been napping there for three months!

Awaking of the senses is bad for music.

What is it?

It's the awaking of the senses!

Dear, hurry.

To be on time, you should've already left.

I am on time just the same! It's not so late.

I can't even drink coffee in peace!

What if I had breakfast like you?

Alberto, it's 8:20. Check your watch!

It's not late!

How wonderful!

Americans… Damn those Americans!

Excuse me, my love.

I didn't do it on purpose. I just wanted to hug you.

Come.

There.

Here.

Love, remember that I'm here too.

The piano, the cello and me, Eleonora.

What a morning!

Good morning, sir.

-Who are you? -I came for a shower.

-In my home? -I came for a bath yesterday.

I'm here for a shower today, and then I'm finished.

-Excuse me… -I am the plumber!

Sure, the plumber. Fix the shower!

-Yes. I must invert the faucets. -Right. Come in.

-Thank you. -Don't make any noise.

MILK IS HEALTH

Milk!

Milk!

Come in!

Sir. They returned the music cassettes.

Mozart doesn't work.

The cows didn't produce more milk with Mozart.

Let's try with Beethoven.

Sir, we found out that our competitors

had an increase of production with Strauss.

The "Blue Danube Waltz" performed miracles.

Yes. We'll buy all the milk available up to 20 hectoliters,

but gradually, to avoid rises. Thank you.

I don't think cows give more milk with music.

It's what the statistics say!

Let's try the "Blue Danube Waltz" then. Come in!

Good morning, sir. Concentrated milk is increasing.

Milk!

Milk!

Come in!

Condensed milk in the gigantic package is very popular.

The gigantic package is very successful.

Come in!

Sir, they sent the skimmed milk back.

Nobody wants it.

The long life milk shipment was spoiled in Sicily.

-Only bad new from you! You can go. -Good day!

All taken. There isn't a space available.

Did you aim at each other?

-Don't worry. -We'll get the insurance money.

-Don't move. -Darn it!

-See what you did? -What you did!

Why didn't you look back?

You must look back when you drive in reverse.

I reared back.

Please be less vulgar.

Vulgar? What are you thinking? You are crazy!

You think you're offending me, but you just make me laugh!

The lady is laughing.

You don't rear back like that.

She's saying bad words too.

You be quiet!

When one meets people like you, he must run off!

-Really? -Don't run off!

Let's pretend it's really damaged.

-Be quiet! -All right.

Miss, he's stealing your car!

-Stop! Where are you going? Stop! -Chase him.

He's taking my car! Stop! Thief!

Stop that car! Stop it! It's mine.

Thief. Scoundrel.

-Yes? -Hoodlum.

Let's keep calm. Is that clear?

I'll free the car, and you will beat it.

Come.

Please…

-Turn on the engine. -You're rude!

I hope you disappear from my life forever. Go on.

No, just a moment. Wait!

Stop!

Wait. Stop a minute!

-Go away. Don't irritate me. -Don't you see that…

Miss, please. Stop!

Why are you following me? You clown!

-Go away! -Wait.

Please, stop!

I can't go on.

Where are you taking me?

Stop!

-On your right you'll see… -How did you get there?

I have a heart murmur!

I have a wife and children. Are you crazy?

You want to get me in trouble?

What does he want?

You didn't become a great musician because you're a pig!

-Hi. -Alberto!

-Why are you back? -I need a shower.

-You don't know what happened. -A bath would be better.

If you wait in the bedroom, I'll get it ready.

I don't feel like waiting. I'm tired.

I've been running all morning.

I even had an accident, a crash.

-Where? With who? -With some lunatic woman.

-A real jerk! -Really? How did it happen?

This morning when I left the office to go to the bank…

Where is the soap?

-Well? Tell me. -Thanks.

In the parking lot I looked into the mirror.

-And then? -What do I see? A vacant space.

You know what I did? I reared…

Dear! I forgot about the plumber.

He's fixing the faucets.

He's naked and has an erection.

I'm almost finished. Don't worry. It's fixed now.

Cold water comes out of the cold water faucet…

-Hot water… -Comes out of the hot water one.

Yes, the hot water. Why are you looking at me like that?

Did you get some strange idea into your head?

-You seem to have doubts. -Doubts?

-Sometimes appearance… -No doubts.

How did I take it?

Calmly. I didn't lose my cool.

I see that.

You've never had a depressive reaction during these two months

after your wife returned to America?

-One thing depresses me. -What is it?

-Since it happened… -Yes?

-How can I say this? -Go ahead.

That thing there… the thing…

Doesn't move anymore.

Maybe the shock…

Did you try masturbating?

Yes, but I don't want it known in the company.

It's the typical case of sexual block.

We Jung psychoanalysts don't worry about these things.

The penis is just a phallic symbol.

You say I can rest assured.

In your condition, I think you're forced to be calm.

How are you doing with that dream of yours?

I keep on swimming in a sea of milk.

You don't see anything on the horizon?

Yes. I…

I see…

Milk!

-Things like… -It's a breast.

-A breast? -No doubt about it.

For you, the island of safety is represented by one breast.

Professor,

I work for a company that produces dairy.

It could be a nightmare that comes from my work environment.

No. It's just as I thought.

It's nostalgia for the maternal breast.

-You desire to be breast fed. -Me?

Come, please.

-Don't worry. -No, of course. Goodbye.

Excuse me. It's a plant!

Professor, when the husbands of my girlfriends cheat on them,

they are overwhelmed by anguish.

I'd like to be anguished too.

But I'm not at all desperate. I don't think it's normal.

Sometimes I feel like laughing.

You feel like laughing?

That is not good!

In this case, there's nothing to laugh about.

You should cry.

Adultery isn't something to be taken lightly.

In a case like this,

a normal person should start thinking

that life is over.

-There. -This is the 20th. Enough now.

You're a great friend!

If it's the last photo I have taken while I'm alive,

I want to choose it!

My psychoanalyst suggested I commit suicide.

Listen, dearie.

I told you. Instead of lingering on this silly idea of suicide,

why don't you go for a nice trot?

-A what? -A trot, a nice screw.

You know I hate using vulgar words.

Enough, Marisa.

I choose this one.

You prefer something modern?

-Let's see. -Or classic?

I like simple things.

Do you prefer marble?

It's nice!

It looks good on marble.

On the inscription, we'll only put the date.

It's the most serious and most elegant solution.

Today is the 26th.

Let's put the 29th. No, I can't make it.

Let's put the 30th.

I'm sure I'll manage to die within three days.

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot.

I had you get up at this hour of the night for a stupid anxiety attack.

Don't worry.

I was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Tell me the truth. What matters is the truth!

At a certain point,

I felt attracted…

-Professor! -Yes?

I felt attracted to the idea of suicide.

Finally! Good.

It happens in cases like yours

that a person thinks of suicide.

We Jung psychoanalysts, in these cases,

suggest symbolic gestures

that give the same satisfaction as suicide.

I'll give you an example. Take your photograph,

your ID card, driver's license…

Tear it into a thousand pieces.

It's as if you committed suicide.

For a while, it keeps away the thought of suicide.

Are you crazy? I almost cut off a customer's head!

Excuse me, you're right. You've nothing to do with it. Sorry.

Alberto, Alberto, it's eight o'clock.

Alberto! Wake up, dear.

I've no more pictures to tear up.

-Is she crazy? -Did she fall?

-No, she jumped. -Let's save her.

Bye, Alberto!

-Easy! -Let's put her here.

She needs mouth to mouth resuscitation.

-I'll do it. -Easy!

Poor thing!

-Such a beautiful woman! -She really wanted to die.

Let's hope she recovers.

-Breathing again. -Not yet.

He is breathing again! I'll do it now.

I'm not tired.

Let's hope she comes to.

Help!

I almost broke my head!

Be brave. Go!

I'm going.

Don't look.

Look up, look up.

Who are you? Where were you? Are you drunk?

I leaned out the window too much.

-Which floor are you going to? -We can take you back home.

-Sure. -I need to go up.

-Pull. -Just one is pulling?

You're very kind, thank you.

I'll get off here. This is it.

-You didn't get hurt, did you? -No, not at all.

-Are you sure it's your home? -I know my home!

Watch out!

Thank you. This is it.

Thanks for the ride. Goodbye.

Gas.

Gas. How could I not have thought of it?

Come on, dear.

-Dear! -I smell gas.

You always make up an excuse.

-No… -Dear!

-Come on! -I smell gas!

You make me faint. I feel dizzy.

Did you have to commit suicide in my home?

Couldn't you turn on the gas in your home?

I apologize. I'm so embarrassed.

I got in the wrong window.

I wanted to commit suicide by myself! Sorry to involve you.

On the other hand… All right, some other time!

-Excuse me. I'll be right back. -Don't forget.

OPERATING ROOM

-Vincenzo, come here. -I'm coming, sister.

Excuse me!

-I'm so sorry. -Forget it.

Look who is here!

-What are you doing here? -Good day!

-Good day! -I didn't recognize you.

You even ran into me with a stretcher!

-You have a mania. -This time I wasn't driving.

-You want to argue? -Of course not.

I've other things on my mind.

-You're having surgery too? -I fell into water.

They pulled me out and I'd almost drowned… died.

Drowned people don't have surgery.

No, but since I'm here, I decided to have a nose job.

There's a fantastic surgeon here. I know it's not too noticeable, but…

Look. It's a bit crooked.

-I can see that. -You think it will be painful?

-No, I don't think so. -What are you doing here?

I broke a foot. Luckily, my neighbors smelled the gas.

What's the smell of gas have to do with your foot?

Let's hope things go better with the next one.

Today the professor doesn't do one thing right.

I think it's your turn.

-It's your turn now. -Thank you.

-Shit! -Thank you.

Don't say these things here.

It's for good luck.

Goodbye.

All these people!

What kind of hospital is this?

A person goes inside for a foot operation and he gets a nose job!

I'll report you, the surgeon, the nurses, the anesthetist.

I'll send you all to jail.

How can you say the surgeon is to blame?

You entered the operating room with a nose x-ray.

It belonged to that owl behind me!

-A surgeon didn't notice… -Calm down.

He took care of the foot too.

I'll report you even if you are a nun.

I think it was a little bit crooked.

-My foot, not my nose! -What do you want to do?

I want the first name, the last name, and the address of that lady, that owl!

My nose always gets clogged. Will I always speak like this?

It's no big deal.

Think of those who enter the operating room and never wake up!

-What are you doing? -Let's put this in your little nose.

You will feel better.

Drink this. It's a detox.

Come on! Take it! Finally!

Let's go, nurse.

Milk, too. They're getting at me.

I'll report this nun.

This.

This.

This.

What's up?

What's up? What's happening?

So…

So…

Yes.

Yes.

I've seen you from the window for three days.

I wasn't sure it was you.

-What a disaster! -Since school days!

-Almost 100 years have gone by. -Yes.

What struck me most about you is that you always seem serene.

Happy.

Always thinking of God.

Cultivating flowers from morning till night.

-Son of a bitch! -Francesco!

I have permission from my superior. I can even say "dick"!

Roses sometime pierce you.

So a few bad words are accepted.

May I ask you a question?

If a man becomes a friar, is he happy?

-Aren't you happy? -So-so.

-Cheating problems? -Unfortunately.

How can you think of becoming a friar if you are a cuckold?

Devils have horns, and a devil in the convent…

Alberto, you still think of women

with all the commotion going on in the world!

If you only knew how great it is without those pains in the ass!

Do you have permission from your superior for this, too?

Not for that…

Understand, jerk? As of today, we're living without women.

Women… Forget it!

Listen to that voice!

Women! Women!

Women.

I will certainly improve when I get to the mountains.

This is an authentic naïf guru.

He's tops right now.

He's not the usual Indian, but a true reincarnation.

Let's hope so.

Come.

Are you sure he'll free me from anxiety and anguish?

He'll do a lot more. You'll see!

YOGA SCHOOL

Hello? Nunziatina!

I must speak softly, or the clients will hear me!

What am I doing? I'm being a fakir.

A fakir! What did you do with the promissory notes?

Money to Gennarino? He's 80. Let's wait for him to die!

Did they renew the promissory notes?

I don't care about being cuckold anymore.

Maybe yoga is good for me.

Now you'll get into this position. Take a good look at me.

Hibernation.

-Anything else? -No, that's fine.

Thank you.

I found out that you can live very well without men.

No. How can you live without men?

If I don't have men, I'm lacking my breath, air, everything.

I've decided. I'm taking a trip.

-Why don't we go to India? -No!

I'm going where Doctor Rossini suggested. Lovely, huh?

"A breathtaking corner of Valmalenco, in the solitude of high mountains."

We are in Valmalenco, not in Tyrol!

-Good morning! -Good morning!

Professor Rossini sent me.

He gave me a letter of presentation.

Here.

Excuse me…

It's the same thing. I don't know how to read!

If Dr. Rossini sends you, it's fine with me.

You people really know what life is.

Good air, genuine food. The landscape is magnificent.

-You cut wood and enrich your spirit. -Actually, I cut wood and get bored!

Give me the hatchet. May I?

Just one.

Stop.

-Damn you! -Excuse me.

Anselmo, you want to kill me?

-He did it! -It's true.

Doctor Rossini keeps sending us lunatics!

Excuse me. I'll go change and take a walk.

Go on.

Anselmo, there's another guest.

Enough. We are full!

Go on. I'll take care of the bags.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

It's slippery with city shoes. Watch out.

-It looks just like the postcard. -Go inside, miss.

-My wife will show you the room. -All right.

-Anita, there's another guest. -I'm coming!

-Good morning. -Good morning.

I'll take the bags inside.

Here's the bathroom, the tub, the bidet.

-Very good. -This is the bedroom.

My poor grandma slept here.

-You like it? -It's very nice.

I'm glad you like it. If you need anything, call me.

-All right. -I'll be downstairs.

Who is it?

Snow!

Mountains are beautiful!

Really beautiful!

My calves!

Excuse me. I'm a bit tired. Could I eat in my room?

-As you wish. -Will you prepare the dish?

-All right. -Thank you.

Anselmo, when is Gustavo coming with the tractor?

-The snow cat! -That thing!

-Tell him to bring some… -Cuckoo!

Something smells good. This is a real dinner!

You can taste the hand of an expert cook.

That's the meal for the pigs!

This is our dinner. "Polenta taragna" and sausages.

We don't use taragna in Veneto, but we learned.

And it's good!

I'll go wash my hands. Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Where are my sausages? Who took them?

-Want more sausages? Here they are. -They were here.

Thank you.

That madman eats so much!

I almost broke it off!

Cough medicine.

Nose drops.

GRAPEFRUIT SHAMPOO

I didn't get my face mask.

Pills.

Cough medicine.

No, my pearls!

Darn it!

Where is my aftershave?

MOISTURIZING MASK

IODIZED ALCOHOL

You again? What are you doing here?

Who are you? How did you get in? Who are you?

Don't pretend you don't know me.

Oh, no! Why?

-What did I do wrong? -What did you do wrong?

Whenever I bump into you, tragic things happen to me!

Why do you torment me?

Even when I'm in the bathroom of a solitary hotel!

While I am…

Don't be vulgar and stop tormenting me!

-Go away! -Of course I'll go.

I am leaving.

Of course I'll leave.

Yes, I am going.

I would never stay.

As soon as I…

Not my nose!

Drops…

That darn owl!

Trust me. He's my patient. I know him very well.

You can rest assured. Yes.

I suggest being very understanding with him.

After his wife left him, he attempted suicide.

Him too? We can help each other. We have the same problem.

What?

What?

A sexual block.

The milk?

I think what he likes most in a woman are her breasts.

I see. Nostalgia for the mother's breast.

If you want to help him,

I think you should behave

like a real nanny.

Hey, my guests!

What time is the next train?

There aren't any until tomorrow morning.

In the meantime, I now understand many things about you.

I'm not as I seem, either.

I am nice, pleasant and loving.

I'm leaving anyway.

-Who is it? -Don't be afraid. It's me.

I went out to get some air.

Don't get your hopes up. Sooner or later I'll leave.

Make way! Make way!

Darn it!

Can't you see no one is here?

Water skiing!

This sport is hell!

Make way!

The skis. Get the skis.

How do you stop?

It seemed easy, instead…

I'll take this.

Relax. A little patience.

Finally I got it.

Oh, come on! Go to the sea instead!

-Go on! -Bravo!

Here it is!

Jerk!

-What are you doing? -What am I doing?

-You should take the gondola lift. -Gondola lift?

-Gondola lift. Go! -Gondola lift.

I told you to be careful.

It took off. I didn't have time to get inside!

Stop it. I don't want to be scolded.

Don't shout and hold on tight.

Mind your own business. How long is the ride?

-Only a quarter of an hour. -I thought a lot longer!

-Does it get much higher? -Yes. It reaches 200 meters.

-Can you make it to the top? -I'm perfectly at ease!

Don't worry.

Give me a hand. I'm just trying to help you.

I'm fine! I don't want to be helped.

Just say you're afraid of even moving a finger.

Me, afraid? This is loads of fun.

How long can you resist?

I think I've reached the limit.

Make way!

Make way!

There you are!

-Are you still alive? -See that jump?

-I've a tough hide. -What do you want to do now?

Nothing. I'm checking my ski boots.

Don't be a child. Come down.

Me? No, I won't.

You can go ahead. I'm staying.

Just a minute!

Help.

What'll I do?

-Just a minute. How does it stop? -Pull the brake!

Help!

VALMALENCO TROPHY FINISH LINE

I'm in a tree!

It's over… Oh, God!

What are you doing up there?

-Me? Looking at the view. -Get down!

No, thanks. I'm fine here. It's beautiful.

-Go on. -All right.

These trees don't hold.

The girl from Parenzo

set up a shop

She sold everything

He let me go rusty!

Polenta and stock fish!

Why don't you love me anymore?

He had me dance only twice in my life.

The first time on our wedding day

and tonight after 25 years, for our anniversary.

Go on!

My old girlfriend

is a reserve

But when the grass grows

I take her to graze

Why don't you love me anymore?

You come dance too!

-Come on, people! -The music will end.

-If I dance, who will play? -That's true!

I have an idea.

When November comes…

-Can you play? -Yes, sure.

Why don't you love me anymore?

I take her to graze

with the goats

-Oh, pig! -Anita, take advantage.

Who knows if this miracle will take place on our next anniversary.

Why don't you love me anymore?

If the sea were made of sauce

and the mountains of polenta…

The party is over.

I'm sorry about last night in the bathroom.

-I was a bit rude. -It's OK. You're forgiven.

-Let's have a drink. -Thanks.

I'd better not.

You don't drink?

I've had enough. I don't want to go overboard.

Alcohol is good in some cases.

-In what cases? -Well…

You are always so upset!

I wonder what is behind that…

Maybe you are shy, introverted.

You have a strange accent.

-Of course. I'm Dutch. -That's it!

-The land of tulips. -And milk.

You Dutch export tulips in the whole world.

Especially milk.

Did you ever see a Dutch dairy farm?

Why do you always talk about milk? I live with it all day long!

Condensed and powdered milk, long life milk.

It makes me nauseous.

You should see the cows in our diary farms.

Did you ever taste milk when it's just…

-How do you say it? -Milked?

-Yes. -Give me something to drink.

Even in the mountains we talk about milk!

-Think of it as the maternal breast. -If you say it that way…

-I'm sorry I don't have milk. -You're doing it on purpose!

Why do you keep on talking about milk?

What do you think? I want to help.

We all have our problems, knots to be untied,

without knowing it.

You too. I can see that.

What can you see? What do you know about my knots?

You worry about your own knots and stop treating me like an infant!

My head!

I feel dizzy!

It must be the drink!

What a bore!

-What a life! -Marisa, why are you here?

What do you mean? You said to come see you.

-I wasn't expecting you. -What a place. It's cold!

Is this a cave?

I needed this!

There are only two rooms and they're taken.

Darn it! Where will I sleep?

Tonight, with me. Then we'll see.

I'm Eleonora!

Eleonora, it's Alberto!

Where can he be?

What a duet!

The crazier they are, the more they want to fuck!

They're young. Leave them alone.

Get the umbrella. It's raining tomatoes!

There.

Who can it be?

I'm coming!

-Excuse me. -What are you doing here?

Do you know where your tenant went?

I didn't see anyone. In fact, I thought that…

Thank you.

Anita, it wasn't a duet.

It was a solo!

One, thank you.

-How much? -Not for me.

-May I thank you? -For what?

I forgive all the problems you caused me since I met you.

Even my nose, and all the rest.

Why this sudden gratitude?

-Can't you imagine? -No. I don't understand.

You forget quickly.

Last night I untied a very important knot.

Yes.

Did you by chance untie it in my room?

You're asking me?

I thought I'd left a more incisive memory.

Marisa!

-Did you ride a horse last night? -You're asking me?

-Yes. -What are you talking about?

If you ask me a precise question, I will answer.

Did you trot at all with the gentleman?

-Once. -Once.

You and I trotted together?

Do me the favor of not looking at me anymore.

-I don't… -Excuse me.

-Miss, that trot… -Eleonora! Eleonora!

"Sincerel.

Yours…"

"Dear Miss Eleonora, accept my profound apology

for the tragic nocturnal misunderstanding

caused by alcohol and the darkness

to which I plan on promptly making amends as soon as you will allow it.

If possible tonight.

Forgive my forwardness caused by the regret for what happened.

My sentiment is sincere. Yours…"

Goodbye!

-Thank you for everything. -No. I thank you…

Excuse me.

I told you to leave me alone.

I just wanted to give you this apology letter.

-You were trying to spy on me. -No. Believe me.

It's an excuse to see me naked and take advantage when possible.

Clown!

Listen to me. I…

Go away! Get lost!

See you.

You recovered, and the lady became ill.

-It's all your fault. -Really?

Now she feels like a loser and has every reason in the world

because you chose her friend who didn't need it.

While she had offered herself. Take your panties off.

-Why? -I didn't mean you!

You are talking about a detail.

The serious fact is that you can develop a neurosis.

-It's your duty to make amends. -I know but what'll I do?

-Lie down on that bed. -There isn't one.

Not you! Understand?

-Yes. -Even if you have to rape her.

Professor, thanks.

Thank you.

I must make amends.

I am ready. I'm going.

Therefore…

Dear miss, I am ready to make amends.

I am ready…

Now!

That so, huh?

I am…

She's not here!

Damn! We can't sleep with all this noise.

Anselmo, let me sleep.

And now finally…

You're sleeping, huh?

I came to make amends.

What are you doing?

You'll give me a heart attack!

Eleonora!

How wonderful! How wonderful!

I thought it was strange!

I…

Darn it! Mr. Anselmo…

I have a doubt, but I wouldn't swear to it.

But I really think I had sex with your wife.

If it happened, I didn't do it on purpose.

I opened the wrong door, I did everything wrong.

Damn! The alcohol!

Don't worry. It was a pleasure.

Hear that?

What did you do?

You can't see?

Let's see over here. There's water here, but not there.

You're punished! Go.

Make amends my foot. I caused a disaster.

I am an idiot!

If the foreigner pisses in the bed, I'll kill him tonight.

It's a cascade!

-Now let's sleep. -Let's sleep.

What happened? Where are we?

Did all the snow melt?

-I didn't do it! -What are you doing in my bed?

I don't know! I was sleeping.

Damn! What a night!

We've never had so many things happen in only one night.

I think someone left the faucets on.

You didn't check last night before going to bed?

Lucky you didn't catch a cold.

Don't try to strike up a conversation. I won't answer.

Even if you're trying to explain how you ended up in my bed

and even if you try to explain to me

how you ended up in my girlfriend's bed.

The mountain air is good for you!

You won't talk to me.

But if I could help you untie your knots…

My nose is cleared!

I am at your disposal.

-The skis are ready, miss. -Coming.

We must talk for a moment about last night.

-We'll do it later. -All right.

We must talk about it very calmly.

I'll be right back.

-Hey! You didn't have your coffee. -I don't want it.

Take it. It's nice and hot.

What are you doing?

What are you doing? You take off without warning!

Stop! Where are you taking me?

Please, let me get off!

-Don't shout. I won't talk to you. -Don't talk.

-Just stop. -Hold on tight.

Who is letting go?

-I see a lot of trees. -Don't move or we'll fall.

-Stop giving me advice. -That's it.

The shelter! I see the shelter.

-I see it! -The door is closed.

One plain stitch and two reverse stitches.

The wind swept the house away!

Watch out!

Let me go. Don't squeeze me.

-What are you doing? -Let me do it.

Are you raping me?

-You are raping me! -Tell me you like it.

No, no, no! Don't stop.

-I won't stop. -Yes! Again.

After tonight's violent snowstorm,

many people are missing among the tourists vacationing in the area.

The mountain rescue squad is searching for the missing people.

Poor guys! That's why they didn't come back.

It was destined to end badly.

-After what he did to me. -It was just one time. Stop exaggerating.

Here he is! One of them is here.

Come.

Come with the stretcher.

-There are two! -They are stuck together.

Let's take them to E.R.

Watch out! They'll break!

-You can't play around in here. -Let's cover them up.

Come on, hurry!

-Let's take them away. -Ready? Go!

ALPINE RESCUE

-You heard him too, right? -Yes.

He said he had to mend something broken.

He wanted to repair a wrong he had done.

-He said he wants to marry her. -Yes.

Yes, I heard that too. They already married in the haystack!

They were stuck together.

Can the masks be removed for a moment during the ceremony?

What ceremony?

-They wanted to get married. -No. He can't remove his.

He is worse off. She can remove hers.

But hurry, please.

On the verge of death, do you, Alberto Castelli,

take as your legitimate bride the here present Eleonora Rubens?

-You answer since you heard him. -Yes.

On the verge of death, Eleonora Rubens, do you take as your spouse

the here present Alberto Castelli?

Yes.

Yes, again.

I unite you in marriage.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

-Amen. -And now?

We'll send her to the hospital. And we'll bury him here.

We feared we'd have to bury you here.

-Yet you made it! -Yes.

Father…

what happened to the woman you married me to when I was dying?

She left.

-You'll find her in Rome. -Good.

-Congratulations. -Thank you.

Milk!

Milk!

She doesn't answer!

Milk!

Milk!

Where can she be?

Miss!

My God!

Miss!

Miss, look here.

What are you looking at? Look at my fingers! Pull it up.

Oh, God!

What are you doing?

Go, go. Look…

I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

I only saw that lady once when she was abandoned by her husband.

We just made some phone calls. That's all.

I think we got married.

You think you got married?

On the verge of death.

We were almost frozen and I don't remember very well.

You can't find your wife.

You didn't even exchange business cards?

I don't think she knows. Maybe the marriage isn't valid.

A mountain climber said "yes" in my place.

Be careful how you drive, please!

-Did you like the place? -Very naif.

Unfortunately, that guy was there.

He raped me and made me freeze.

-What happened to that guy? -He disappeared.

Can't he be found?

-Are you interested? -Of course not! I meant for you.

He's just a scoundrel.

After what he did, I won't look for him. He must look for me.

-Eleonora! -Yes?

The cat!

-Why doesn't she answer? -She must have left.

-She must have returned. -Then she doesn't want to answer.

You always give me bad news!

-What did I do to you? -Nothing.

-In fact… -What do you mean by that?

I already signed this one.

But not this one!

You already proposed it once. You insist?

Enough.

Thank you.

If you say it was black, it must've been the detergent or fear.

Next time hand-wash it and not in the machine.

All right, thank you. Inside!

Love, get inside!

-Here she is. Thanks. Good day. -Good day.

Oh, God!

I had the old phone number in the address book.

My husband's home number.

I can go to Alberto Castelli.

I'm sorry because he knocked himself out to get it.

He copied the wrong number.

Just think! It was here, and now it's gone!

-It's gone. -These are the last ones.

Drop them on the floor, thanks.

Where will I find her now?

-What are you looking for? -My wife.

She was here. What will I do without that paper?

I'll ask if Mr. Castelli works there and give him the right number.

-And then? -Then I'll leave.

-Can I trust you? -Of course!

-All right. Hurry. -I'm going.

Come in!

-Sir. -What is it?

The girls are here for that poster. You decide on the breasts.

-Do you have a moment? -Yes, but hurry.

-I have a lot to do. -Just a minute.

The first one can come in.

Please, come this way.

Please. Let's begin right away.

Bless you. Show your breasts.

Milk!

A cup of champagne!

No. Excuse me.

-Uncover your breasts. -Good day.

Pear-shaped.

Milk!

Show your breasts.

Watermelon-shaped.

-Mr. Castelli, please. -He's busy. Sit down.

Banana-shaped.

-Flask-shaped. -No.

Milk!

Please, miss.

This way, please. Turn this way.

Good day. Mr. Castelli, please.

-He's busy. Wait there. -All right.

Show your breasts.

The usual slut.

-Pan-shaped. -Pan-shaped?

Pan-shaped?

-No. Have the others called in. -All right.

Go ahead.

I know her!

Who is she?

Who was she?

Marisa!

Marisa, Eleonora's friend.

Marisa! Where is she?

Eleonora. Darn it!

Eleonora!

Wait!

Eleonora!

Eleonora! Eleonora!

Are you crazy? Can't you see the stop sign?

-Eleonora! -Where are you going?

-My new car! -It's not my fault.

Are you playing bumper cars?

Do you have to stand here? I'll bust…

Eleonora, wait for me. It's me!

Look…

There she is!

Over there!

My glasses! I lost my glasses.

Whoever rear-ended… pays!

This time I made a mistake.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I am your husband!

-We married in the mountains. -Really?

On the verge of death.

Now we can marry as living beings. You accept?

I accept!

Eleonora Rubens, will you take as your legitimate spouse

the here present Alberto Castelli, director of Eurolat,

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?

-Hold still, or how can I answer? -All right.

-Yes! -Love!