All language subtitles for Carry On Up the Khyber 1968 1080p WEBRip x265-RARBG

'India, 1895.

'The most precious gem
in the far-flung valley

'of the great British Empire.

'Here, the British rulers
and their memsahibs

'enjoyed a life of luxury and ease,

'matched only by
that of the Indian Rajahs.

'None more so than
Her Majesty's Governor

'of the North-West Frontier
Province, Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond.'

(BREAKS WIND)
'For them, it was a rich life.

'An endless round of receptions,
balls, ceremonial processions,

'tiger shoots,
and, of course, polo.'

(APPLAUSE)

And who are we playing today,
Major Shorthouse?

Kalabar Ravers, Your Excellency.
Top hole, top hole.

(HICCUPS)
Pardon.

Who's the turban job on the throne?

You mean the Khasi.

That's Randy Lal.

Who?

Randy Lal, the Khasi of Kalabar.

Ooh. How do you know he is, then?

How do I know he's what?

Randy.

That's his name.

Ooh!

He's very good-looking, isn't he?

Yes. Only the richest and most
powerful Rajah in Northern India,

that's all.

He's smiling at us.
Smile back.

Co-ee! (GIGGLES)

You don't have to go raving mad.

My father, who are those people?

That, light of my darkness,
is Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond,

the British Governor,
whose benevolent rule

and wise guidance
we could well do without.

(BALL BEING STRUCK, APPLAUSE) Oh, I
say, he's a charming man, isn't he?

Yes. I wouldn't trust him an inch.

Ooh, neither would I.

I didn't mean that.

You don't like this man, my father.

Light of my darkness, there is
no mountain in all of India

high enough from which to adequately
show my contempt of him.

Well, why do you smile at him
so favourably?

Because in these days of British
military supremacy

the Indian must be
as a basket with two faces.

I'll tell you something,
he'd like to massacre me

and every other Britisher in India.

Well, why do you keep smiling at him
like that for, then?

Because, as a top-ranked
British diplomatist,

I'm as two-faced as he is.

(APPLAUSE)

Played, sir.

Well played, Philip.

He'll go far, that boy,
if he makes the right marriage.

Ooh, I say! He didn't half
crack that one, did he not?

Dearest, if you can't express
yourself in more elegant terms,

kindly shut your cakehole.

'And so the British carried on
with their carefree life.

'Little knowing that high in the
snow-capped mountains to the north,

'the spark was soon to be lit
that would set Kalabar ablaze.

'Here was the famous Khyber Pass,

'the gateway to India.

'This was a vital key point,
guarded night and day

'by a detachment of
the celebrated Highland regiment,

'the Third Foot and Mouth.

'Fearless fighting men,

'aptly referred to by the natives
as "the Devils in Skirts".'

Private Widdle!
Sergeant Major!

Private Widdle,
I know you're an ignorant 'nana,

but when you are ordered
to attention,

you are courteously requested

to stop shuffling
your flaming feet about!

I was only trying to keep warm.

Oh, so you're cold, are you?

Perishing. The way the wind
whistles up the Pass.

I'm sorry to hear that, Widdle.

Maybe you'd like me to get you
a hot water bottle?

Oh, how very kind.

As a matter of fact,
I already have one.

And what, may I ask, is that thing
doing in there?

It keeps my dangler warm.

Give it here!

For the last time,
stop calling it a dangler!

It's a sporran!

Yes, Sergeant Major. Sorry.

Look at you, Widdle.

A Devil in Skirts (!)

You look more like an Angel in Pond!

(LAUGHTER)
Silence!

You're not much better, any of you!

I've seen better-equipped men
guarding a harem!

(LAUGHS)
That's not funny, Widdle!

You're a disgrace to the regiment.

I didn't ask to be
a Devil in Skirts!

Maybe you're right, Widdle.

You're too good for the likes of us.

You deserve a bit extra.

Oh, do you really mean that?

Yes. And we'll start off with
four hours extra guard duty!

Oh, Bungdit Din, there is a guard.

We cannot go through.
Only one man, Stinghi.

One Devil in Skirts is enough.
You know they are invincible.

If we fight, maybe.
But there is always bribery.

What have we got to bribe them with?

Don't you know what British soldiers
are always looking for abroad?

Yes, but where are we going to get
a bint up here?

No, no, no, no, no. Souvenirs.

I'll offer him my weapon
if he'll let me go through.

A-ha.

(ROCKS BEING SCUFFED)
Halt! Who goes...?

Who goes erm...?
Oh, what's the word?

"There."
Oh, thank you.

Who goes there?
I go there.

Very good friend. Oh. Advance,
friend, and give the password.

With pleasure, sir. What is
password, please? Pomegranate.

Very good. Pass, friend.

Hey, just a minute!

You're supposed to give it, not me.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I'm just stupid, ignorant Burpa.

Oh no, you don't. Stay where you
are, I've got you covered!

Oh. Just a minute. Covered.

Oh, no, no, no, sir.
No need for antagonism.

I have a present for you here.
(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Very good Indian scimitar.

Can cut men in two with one stroke.

What did I do?

I wonder...

Now we know. (LAUGHS)

You speak truly?

The Devil actually wore this garment

beneath his skirts?
I swear it, Highness.

Did I not remove it
with my own hands?

You did well, Bungdit Din.

It was not difficult, Highness.

It was only held up
with a bit of elastic.

No, no, no, no,
my beautiful warrior!

I mean you did well to discover it.

For many, many years now
they have led us to believe

that the Devils wore nothing
beneath their skirts

and we have feared them according.

But now... (LAUGHS)

I do not understand, my father.

What is there to fear from a warrior

who wears nothing
underneath his skirt?

Oh, my child, you have not made war,

but think how frightening
it would be

to have such a man charging at you
with his skirts flying in the air

and flashing his great big bayonet
at you!

It is true.

But who can be afraid of men

who wear such a ridiculous thing
beneath their skirts?

Precisely.
And when our people learn of this,

they will rise up and drive
the British out of Kalabar!

Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right, left, right...

Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right... halt!

Left turn! Headgear in hand! Brace!

Give name, rank, and number!

Private Widdle, J.
36360.

Sah!
Sah!

Well now, what's the charge,
Sergeant Major?

Gross dereliction of duty resulting
in loss of Government property, Sir.

What Government property?

Underpants, woollen.

Privates for use of, one, Sir.

And how did he manage that?
Where were they?

I regret to report they
were on his person, Sir.

What? You mean to say
he was actually wearing them?

Yes, Sir. About his lower person,
Sir.

Good Gad. How could you, Widdle?

I felt the cold, Sir.

That's no excuse, man.

The Third Foot and Mouth never wear
anything under the kilt.

It's part of our glorious tradition.

Look at our motto -

"Always ready for action."

But if we're not allowed
to wear them,

why do they bother to issue them?

There are two specific occasions
when the wearing of underpants

is permissible, Widdle.

One - church parade,
two - gymnastic display.

And only then when
there are to be ladies present.

Really, Widdle, you shock me.

Wearing them is bad enough,
but losing them?

Er, beg pardon, sir.
I didn't exactly lose them.

They were ripped off.

Ripped off? By whom?

I didn't catch his name.
Er, but he was a huge Burpa.

You mean to say that a native knows
you were wearing underpants?

This is more serious than I thought.

We must see His Excellency
rightaway.

Follow me.
Headgear on!

Left turn! Quick march!

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right...

Left, right, left, right, left,
right, left, right... halt!

Major Shorthouse. Yes?
I must see the governor rightaway.

I can't disturb him now, Captain.

He's with the memsahib,
having a bit of tiffin.

Ooh, that is awkward. However, it is
a matter of the utmost urgency.

Well, I'll see if they've finished.

You can't come in!

Certainly not, Sir,
but Captain Keene's here to see you

on a matter of the utmost urgency.

Oh, all right. Just a minute.

Just coming.

Now what is it? You know how I hate
being interrupted in mid-tiffin.

I know, Sir. I'm terribly sorry.

That's all very well,

but it's not often the mem and I
get the chance these days.

When we were in Calcutta, we had it
twice a day together. Regularly.

I'm afraid it's my fault,
Your Excellency.

All right, I expect she'll keep it
warm. What's so urgent?

Your Excellency, I regret to report

there's been an incident
at the Pass.

There's always incidents at passes.

You've only got to make a pass
and you're in trouble.

I'm afraid this was no
ordinary incident, Sir.

If you'd just listen to
Private Widdle's story.

All right, make it quick.
Right. Sergeant Major.

Private Widdle!
Four paces forward... march!

Left, right, left, right, halt!

Left turn!

Headgear in hand!

Brace!

Story... from the beginning! Begin!

All right, God blimey!

You don't have to make
a full-scale tattoo out of it!

OK, get on with it, Widdling.

Erm, Widdle, Sir.

All right, Widdle, then.
But get on with it.

Well, Sir, I was on guard duty
at the Pass

when this huge Burpa
suddenly appeared in front of me

and pulled it out.

Pulled what out?

His, erm, sword thing.

Oh.

Go on, then. Well, Sir,
the next thing I remember

is coming to, lying on the
ground... and they were off.

They were?

Blimey, that's rough.

He means his underpants were off,
Sir.

Quite! Underpants? But you fellas
don't wear 'em.

No, Sir. But Private Widdle did.

If the natives ever get to hear
of this, Sir,

it will completely destroy
our reputation for toughness.

He's right, Sir.

A little thing like this could start
a full-scale rebellion.

Hardly, Shorthouse. The massacre of
thousands of innocent people.

The end of British rule in India.
Rubbish, Shorthouse.

The finish of a cushy job for you.

Quite right.
We'll have to do something.

Sir, our only hope now is
to try and scotch the rumour

before it spreads too far.

You're right. Absolutely right.

I will go
and see the Khasi personally.

This calls for a spot of
top-level diplomatic bluff.

The sort of thing that made our
empire what it is.

We're not called John Bull
for nothing.

Thank goodness for that. Now
perhaps we can finish our tiffin.

Later. I've got something
very important to do. What?

I've got to go to the Khasi.
You should have gone before tiffin.

The Khasi of Kalabar.
Ooh!

Ooh! Can I come too?
Can you come too?

Haven't we got enough trouble
without you coming along

opening your big mouth
and shoving your flat foot in it?

Oh, that's very nice (!)

It never occurs to you I might be
able to help in these matters. How?

I have heard that the Khasi is
very susceptible to beautiful women.

Yes, well, so am I. Look what
I finished up with. (LAUGHS)

Oh, very funny! You may not realise
it, Sidney Ruff-Diamond,

but there are hidden fires in me.

Hidden fires?

There might have been once,
but now you're just full of clinker.

It's only because you never bother
to - Oh, shut up.

Tell Shorthouse
to call me an elephant.

He needn't bother,

I will - you're an elephant!

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)

Highness, the Governor
is on his way.

Ah! I thought it would not be long
before he came.

Return to your quarters,
oh warmers of my feet.

Not you, oh light of my darkness.

I want you to stay and witness the
discomfiture of the British pigs.

Yes, my father.

I do wish
you wouldn't keep doing that.

Rank stupidity!

His Excellency,
the Governor of Kalabar.

FANFARE

Your Excellency. Your presence
enriches my humble home.

May the benevolence of the god Shivu
bring blessings on your house.

And on yours.

And may his wisdom bring success
in all your undertakings.

And in yours.

And may his radiance
light up your life.

And up yours.

Your Excellency is most kind.

May I have the honour to present
my daughter, the Princess Jelhi?

An appropriate name for one
set in so perfect a mould.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, here. I must beg Your Excellency

not to lavish too much
of his excruciating wit on us.

Yes. May I present Captain Keene,
Sergeant Major Macnutt.

I have already seen Captain Keene
on the polo field.

He is very pretty.

Thank you, Princess.
I have also seen you.

You are very pretty, too.

Thank you.
You would like to embrace me?

Not yet. Not before tiffin,
daughter.

Gentlemen, please be seated.

Jelhi, serve our honoured guests.

And how is Her Most Gracious
Majesty, Queen Waterloo?

Victoria.
Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.

I never can remember.
She's well.

I had a postcard from her
the other day.

She sent you all her love.
Oh! She is most generous.

I must make her another gift.
Some more elephants, perhaps?

I wouldn't do that, Your Highness,
no more elephants.

Buckingham Palace
isn't all that big,

and they need a lot of clearing up
after.

If you say so.

But in India, the more elephants
a man has, the higher his standing.

Yes. And the higher his rhubarb.

(CHUCKLES)

(STOPS LAUGHTER)

Jelhi.

Yes, my father? It is not proper
for one of such high caste

to be making the eyes of the cow
at the rear end of a horse.

Not even when his smile shines
like the very sun of the heavens?

Not even when it shines like
the very seat of the trousers.

Go to the women's quarters and
pay your respects to your mother.

(WHISPERING) Which one is she again?

Oh, how many more times?

She with the hair
like burnished copper

and the eyes as green as emeralds.

And No.32 stamped on her back.

I see Your Excellency
is admiring my trophies.

Yes, they're really something
to be proud of.

Come and take a closer look.

It has taken me many
years to collect them.

Very impressive.
Very, very impressive.

I'd even go so far as to say
you're a bit of a shot.

I hope I heard you correctly.
You did.

I have a more recent one over here

which I think will interest
Your Excellency.

Yes, very interesting.

As a matter of fact,

it reminds me of what I've come
to speak to you about.

Oh? I don't know if Your Highness
has heard it or not,

but there's a ridiculous rumour
circulating to the effect

that the fearless soldiers
of the Third Foot and Mouth,

the dreaded Devils in Skirts,
are wearing garments such as those

underneath their kilts.
Really? (LAUGHS)

How absurd.
Is it true?

Is it true? (LAUGHS)
You hear that, chaps?

He wants to know if it's true.
Of course it's not true.

There was one man wearing them,
I believe,

as a form of self-punishment.
Self-punishment?

They are made of coarse wool,
you understand.

As they say in England,
they tickle the fancy.

(LAUGHS) Very funny!
Isn't that funny?

I didn't have the old Oxford
education for nothing, you know.

No. Anyway, Her Majesty
was most displeased

when she heard about this rumour,

but thought that a word of denial

from a man of your
influence and power...

Well, of course.

I should not like to upset Her
Most Gracious Majesty, Queen Euston.

Victoria.
Yes, of course. I am so sorry.

Well, truly, I would be most pleased
to deny this rumour to my people.

Oh, that's good. That's that, then.

If, of course, it could be proved
to me

that the other soldiers
don't wear them.

Eh? Oh. Yes, well, why not?

Rightaway.

Captain Keene?

Your Excellency. You heard.
His Highness wants proof.

Hm. Yes.

Sergeant Major.

Sir.

You may have the honour.

I'd rather not, Sir.

Rather not? That's an order.

(INAUDIBLE)

So am I!

Oh, no...

(LAUGHS)

The indignity of it! I've never been
made to look such a fool in my life!

How could you do it to me?
I... I'm terribly sorry, Sir.

I... I had no idea you'd want us
to demonstrate.

What are you wearing them for,
anyway?

Great big tough men like you,
it's disgusting!

But they're not woollen ones, Sir.
I had them made here.

They're Indian silk.

Silk? Silk?!

Can you imagine what they'll say
when it gets out

that the commander of the Devils
in Skirts wears silk knickers?

I would like to say,
Your Excellency,

that I am only wearing them
from a sense of duty.

Duty? Yes, Sir. You see, they were
hand-knitted for me by my mother.

I don't care if they were
hand-embroidered by your father!

He did the flowers.
Flowers? Flowers!

It's getting worse.

It's like a horrible canker
spreading right through the Army.

Who knows how far it's gone.
None of the other men wear them.

That is correct, Sir.

The men respect the tradition
of the regiment.

Do they? Well, there's only one way
to find out.

(REVEILLE)

Parade! Parade, atten...shun!

Parade ready for inspection, Sir.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Parade ready for inspection, Sir.

The area been cleared of spectators?
Yes, Sir.

Men haven't been warned
the purpose of the inspection?

No, Sir.
Carry on, Captain.

Thank you, Sir.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.

Now listen carefully, men.

This is a new drill.

On the word of command,

the hem of the kilt will be
grasped firmly in both hands.

Kilts...grasped!

Right.

Now on the next word of command...

the hands will be brought smartly up
to the level of the shoulder.

Parade...

Still keeping a tight hold
of those kilts...

..hands...raise!

(CLICK)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, my dear Lady Ruff-Diamond.

It is truly a very excellent
photographic reproduction.

I thought you might be interested.

I've heard all about the incident
of Private Widdle

and his, pardon my blushes,
underpants. (GIGGLES)

Yes, indeed.

But as it is such very excellent
anti-British propaganda,

I can't help wondering, dear madam,
why you have brought it to me?

Can't you guess?

I thought perhaps if I did
something nice for you,

you might do something nice for me.

Ah, I understand.

You scratch my back
and I will scratch yours?

Ooh, that might be interesting
for a start! (GIGGLES)

But my dear madam,

even if you were to allow me
to keep this,

what would you expect in return?

Rubies? Emeralds?

Oh, no - Well, afterwards perhaps.

After what, dear madam?

Look, can you not tell from
the quickness of my breathing?

The heaving of my bosom?
Hot flush on my cheeks?

You are perhaps requiring
the Indian herbal laxative?

No, I had that last week.

Ever since I first saw you,

I haven't been able to get you
out of my mind.

I lay awake at night, thinking
of your strong arms around me,

your...hot lips on mine

and our bodies entwined
in Oriental passion.

Yes, yes, yes.
But what is it that you want?

Oh, stone the crows. Do you want it
or don't you?

Oh, yes, most certainly, dear madam.
Then take me with it.

Take you - (GASPS)

Oh, I see...

Not before time.

But you drive an impossible bargain,
dear lady.

I do not make love.

You don't?

No. I am extremely rich, I have
servants to do everything for me.

Well, that's put the tin hat on it,
ain't it?

But perhaps in your case I might
be willing to make an exception.

Oh, Randy Lal...

I must take this immediately to show
to my warriors in the hills.

And then I will return
to attend to you, dear lady.

Oh, no, you'll attend to me first,
if you don't mind.

But I must take that with me now.

Then take me with it.

But what about your husband?

Oh, we don't want him!

Will he not be displeased
that you've come away with me?

Oh, of course.

Oh, poor Sidney. He'll be so upset.

Do not worry unduly.

Before many days, he and the others
will all be dead.

Oh, well, that's all right then,
innit?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Captain Keene!

Princess Jelhi.
What are you doing here?

I've come to warn you,
you must leave India immediately.

Leave India? Why?

My father,
he's planning an uprising.

He will kill all the British.

(HIGH PITCHED) What?
I mean, what?

You must believe me. It's true.

I have to go now before I'm missed.

But for my sake, please leave.

Why for your sake?

Because I love you.

She loves me...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Yes?

Captain Keene's here to see you,
Sir. Oh, good.

Is Her Ladyship back yet?

No, Sir. She said she was going to
the hairdresser.

Oh. Well, I hope she's not
having it off. Send him in.

Captain, I'm glad you came.

I want you to post
an immediate order.

As from now, any of your men
caught wearing underpants

will be liable for immediate
court martial.

Oh. But it's purely tradition, Sir.

I don't think we can force them
not to wear them.

Oh, yes, we can.
I've got it right here.

Army regulation 74B.

"On tropical service, all ranks
must keep their personal equipment

"free from dust and rust.

"And to avoid damp rot,
open to free circulation of air."

There we are, I think
that should cover it.

Or rather, uncover it.
(LAUGHS)

Hm. I'm afraid it's too late anyhow,
Sir.

What do you mean too late?
I've just seen Princess Jelhi, Sir.

She's told me that her father
has got a photograph

of the inspection parade.

You mean with their things up?

Yes, I'm afraid so, Sir.

He's going to use it to incite
his people to revolt.

Who's responsible
for this treachery?

Who took that photograph?
I'll nail him to the flagpole!

I... I'm rather afraid, Sir, it...
it was Lady Ruff-Diamond.

What, the mem? I don't believe it.

It's true, Sir. The Khasi has taken
her and the photograph to Jaksi.

Who?

Jaksi, Sir.

It's a hill town
just across the border.

Stronghold of Bungdit Din
and his Burpas.

Oh.

Well, I suppose we'd better go
and rescue her.

Er, I'm sorry to say, Sir, that
Her Ladyship did not go unwillingly.

Oh, nonsense. Her Ladyship
always does everything unwillingly.

I should know!

Sir, you must prepare yourself
for a shock.

According to the Princess,
Her Ladyship is...

enamoured of the Khasi.

Oh, no. No, not that. Not that.

Do try and keep a stiff upper lip,
Sir.

I'm trying, Captain,
but I just can't help it.

The thought of them together...

Her lying in his arms,
slobbering all over her.

I just can't help feeling sorry
for the poor berk.

Sir, with your permission

I would like to get her
and the photograph back.

But Jaksi's
outside our jurisdiction.

I think a few of us disguised as
Burpas might well pull it off, Sir.

Damn risky.

But it would be worth it
to get that photograph back.

Yes. We might even get
Her Ladyship back for you, sir.

That's a chance I'll have to take.

Jaksi's over the border. You'll
never get there without a guide.

I know of a guide, Sir.
You do? Yes, Sir.

A missionary in the town -
Brother Belcher.

Belcher, eh? He should make
a good Burpa, anyway.

(LAUGHS)
Cor, blimey.

Do you think he'll help? Probably
not, Sir, in the ordinary way.

But I think I know
a way of persuading him.

Repent ye before it is too late!

Leave the primrose path
of sin and wickedness

and enter into the fold,
along with all the other poor sheep.

(SHEEP BLEATS)
Brothers and sisters,

I say unto you, worldly goods
are a curse and an abomination.

Money is a burden.

Let me relieve you of that burden.

Don't pick your nose
in the congregation.

Thank you.

Get out of it!

Oh, there is no profit
in worldly goods.

No, no. Nor is there joy to be found
in wanton wallowing

in pleasures of the flesh.

Let not the painted houri lure you
with lustful embraces.

Nor let their kohl-fringed eyes
lure you...

..lure you...

(LAUGHING)
(SPRINGS TWANGING)

Fight the good fight, brothers!
Wahey!

Hey! (LAUGHS)

Hey!

Brother Belcher.

(SPRINGS TWANGING)

Captain Keene.

(CLANGS) I was, er, just giving
this young lady some moral guidance.

I don't think you could teach her
a great deal, Brother Belcher.

You're right there, Captain Sir.

No, please don't get the...
don't get the wrong idea, Captain.

I wouldn't get the wrong idea,
Brother Belcher.

Get off! Get off or
I'll give you one -

Oh, what am I saying?

She does want it badly.
Moral guidance, I mean.

Er, yes. Well, you just
give it to her, Brother.

I'm, er, sorry we barged in.

Captain Keene, Sir.
A word in your ear.

Captain Keene, Sir!

I did well, yes.
You did very well.

Here.

Captain, look, if this got about,
people might misunderstand,

and I don't want to spoil
my public image, do I?

No, of course not, Brother.
Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.

Ah, spoken like a right Christian.

Provided, of course,

you're agreeable to do
a little something for us.

Certainly, brothers, certainly.

Er, a bit of Bible reading?
A soupcon of psalm singing?

Psalm singing, of course,
comes a bit more expensive.

No, no, it's nothing like that.
We'd like you to act as a guide

on a little military operation.

Military? Me? Certainly not!

It's the only way you can
stop us talking.

Captain, look,
you don't seriously expect me,

a man of peace,
an advocate of brotherly love,

to lend myself to
a military punch-up?

You'll get ten rupees a day,
of course. When do we start?

Rightaway.
Give me ten minutes.

Why, what are you
going back in there for?

A couple of points
I still want to go over.

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

Burpas! We are honoured today

by a visit of
the great and powerful Rajah

from across the mountains,

the Khasi of Kalabar.

(DOGS BARKING) What happened?
What did I do wrong?

It is all right, Highness. It is
only their way of showing pleasure.

Oh. I'd hate to be around
when they show anger.

Burpas, listen to the Khasi,
and listen well.

For he offers the chance
of great glory to you all.

You have heard your great leader,
Bungdit Din of Jaksi.

I come to you today from my country
across the mountains

because I need help.

And it has long been known that you,
the Burpas,

are the greatest fighters
in all Afghanistan.

Warriors who are fearless
on the battlefield

and whose very name makes
their enemies tremble with fear.

What's he giving them? What we term
in Ecclesiastical circles, Captain,

a bit of the old flannel.

That is why I have come to you.

To offer you the opportunity to make
much money and even greater glory.

I wish they wouldn't do that!

Do not worry, Highness.
They show much pleasure.

If they hit you,
it will only be an accident.

That's very reassuring (!)

And now I will tell you
how this money and glory will come.

We are going to rise up
and drive the British out of India!

(MURMURING FROM CROWD)

Oh, that's much nicer.
No, no, no. It is not good.

It is their way of
showing displeasure.

What?!
I will find out what is wrong.

Burpas, why do you dislike
the idea of fighting the British?

We cannot fight the
Devils in Skirts!

It is a well-known fact
that they are invincible.

Is that not so, men?

ALL: Nee, nee, nee, nee, nee...

Ah, they are against him!

No, no, no.
They are agreeing with him.

Ooh. What a funny lot.

Do not talk to me
of Devils in Skirts.

The skirts of the devils
are the skirts of women!

Would devils wear
such a thing as this beneath them?

Hey, those are mine!

And that's the chap
who took them off me.

I remember his face.

I'd hate to think what he remembers
of you.

Urgh...

Can you fear men who wear
such a thing as this?

Now will you fight with us?

ALL: Ye, ye, ye, ye, ye...

No?
No.

I thought so. They do everything
here the wrong way round.

They are descended from one of
the oldest tribes in Afghanistan -

the Arsitasis.

It would need more than this
one garment to convince our chiefs.

We cannot fight
without their permission.

ALL: Nee, nee, nee, nee, nee, nee...

They need more proof.
You have the picture here?

Yes, the memsahib has it.

Oh, dear, they've got me doing it
now.

Good. Burpas, go to your chiefs
and tell them to come to my house

and the Khasi will show them
a picture

proving that the Devils
are as women.

(MUTTERING)

They will fight once we have
won their chiefs over.

Before I see them, perhaps we should
sweeten them a little, yes?

Good. If he's promised to show them
the picture,

that means they haven't seen it yet.

Now, you wait here,
I'll just scout around a bit,

see if I can find a way in.
And the best of Bombay luck, duck.

Widdle! Replace your chin gear
at once!

This beard doesn't half itch.
What is it made of?

Goat's hair.

Poo...

Never mind the poo, put it back!

There's no other way, chaps.

We're going to
have to try and force our way in.

We'll never force our way
through these doors, Sir.

That's where Mr Belcher comes in.

That's where Mr Belcher goes out.
Good day, gentlemen!

Mr Belcher, all you have to do
is knock on the door,

ask to see the Khasi,
and when the door is opened,

we will rush them.

Now? Now.

Come on.

There's no-one in.

Knock again. Louder.

What do I do now?

Just say you want to see the Khasi

and leave the rest to us.

Argh!

Yes?
I want to see the Khasi

and leave the rest to us.
(SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

What did he say? "Hatch-a-maza
Khasi, shove me up the Ganges!"

Here we go!

Cor...

Ah, gentlemen. You are welcome.
We have been expecting you.

But please, put your swords up.

That's tempting.

We offer you only friendship here.

You do?
Of course.

His Highness the Khasi
will see you later.

But in the meantime, I offer you the
hospitality of my humble dwelling.

(CLICKS FINGERS) Woman!

(GROANS)

Please, go with the women.

Refresh yourselves.

Ask for anything you desire.

Deny yourselves nothing.

It must be a trap.

Cor! Let's walk into it!

That's enough, Widdle.

But if you care for me to go ahead
with her, and...

reconnoitre the situation, Sir...

No, thank you, Sergeant Major.
We must stick together

whatever we do.

Follow me.

Well, Sir?
Well, it looks all right.

All right?!

Why, it's fairyland!

We await your pleasure, masters.

Pleasure? The idea!

Er, what do we do, Sir?

Men, we mustn't forget we came here
with a definite objective -

to get that photograph.

You're absolutely right, Sir.

On the other hand, we, er,
we don't want to rush into anything.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Sir.

So perhaps it would be advisable
for us to stay here for a bit.

Stay here for a bit?

Are you suggesting we remain
and indulge ourselves in...

whatever's going on?

We have no alternative, Mr Belcher.

But these are women of pleasure!

Do you expect me, a missionary,
to lend myself to such carryings on?

My job is to save fallen women.

I realise that, Mr Belcher.

Good. Save me the one
with the big earrings.

Enough, Jelhi.

The chiefs have arrived
and are enjoying my hospitality.

Excellent.
When they have been surfeited

they should be easily persuaded.

You have the photograph?

Not yet, I fear.

Lady Ruff-Diamond has secreted it
upon her person

in such a place
it cannot easily be got at.

Why waste time?
Let us take it from her by force.

That would be unpardonable!
In India, the cow is sacred.

What a lovely idea, whatever it is.

Not now, dear.

Not just now, thank you.

What have you got out of her?

Mind your own business.

I mean, what information?

Excuse me, madam.
Her Ladyship's here all right,

but she doesn't know anything about
a photograph.

Well, keep working on her.

Don't worry, I will.

Ooh, she must think I'm deaf...

Good boy.

Well, now...

Oh! What pretty earrings.

Are they rubies?
No, they are mine.

For me? How nice!

What a pretty necklace.
It'd be a pity to split them up.

(CHUCKLES)
Mm...

You shouldn't have.
You'll be getting me a bad name!

I can't help admiring those.

They're beauties, aren't they?

Oh!
No! Shh!

HE LAUGHS

HE HUMS

HE CHUCKLES

Ah-ah, hold still!

THEY LAUGH

HE GROANS

There we are!

There! That didn't hurt, did it?

No!

I'm collecting on behalf of
the Mission at the moment.

SHE WHISPERS

(LAUGHS)
(GASPS)

Oh, no.

Hang on, hang on.

I say, she's done it again.

Done what?

She keeps on asking me something,
I nod yes.

Then she claps her hand
and goes mad.

Here, stand easy, will you?

Just remember,
when a Burpa nods, it means no.

Cor! Hang on!

And when... when they applaud,
it shows displeasure.

All right, now then...

Hey, girly, just a minute!

Look, I am saying yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Look, look, look, look, look!
I'm saying yes.

Yes! Yes!

Yeah! Yeah!
(SHRIEKS)

Yes!

What a good idea - mixed bathies.

Come on, chaps. Fall in.

Yes! Yes, yes...

Wahey, come and join us!

Wahey!
(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

Well, what is it?
The chiefs are here.

I know that, fool!
I've already seen them.

No, these are other chiefs.
What other chiefs?

Then who are the ones already here?
Call the guards! Call the guards!

(INAUDIBLE)
Salaam.

(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

Remember, men.
Only give name, rank and number.

This way, please, madam.

All right. Thank you, Major.

Er, will you sit down, madam?
Thank you.

And, er, what can I do for you?

It is more a question of
what I can do for you, Excellency.

Pardon? I am
His Highness the Khasi's number one.

You know that my lord and master
has taken your woman away with him?

I know, I know.

He has done you a great wrong.

And it is my duty as his woman
to right that wrong.

It is? Is it?

Oh, er, what exactly
did you have in mind?

What he has done unto you,
you are entitled to do unto him.

It is the custom of our people.

Well, as a stranger to your country,
I must get used to your customs.

That is well.

I am ready to right that wrong.

Me, too.

Don't go away.

Shorthouse!
Sir?

Don't disturb us, please.

We're going to have
a spot of tiffin.

(CHANTING)

What are they celebrating,
my father?

The British prisoners, my child,
are to be executed at sunset.

No, Father, spare them.

Impossible, my child.

It will help to show
these Burpa fools

that the British are not invincible.

The white memsahib?

Of course. But do not worry,
we'll make it easy for them.

They will die the death
of a thousand cuts.

Oh, no... That's horrible!

Nonsense, child.
The British are used to cuts.

Charming. Charming (!)

Join the Army
and see the next world!

It's all your fault!

Why, what have I done?
What have you done?

You can't even take part
in a simple little orgy

without going raving mad.

Chasing women round the room,
diving into pools after them!

I didn't ask to come on this job
and I don't know why he picked me.

I chose you, Widdle,
because if anything was to go wrong,

I couldn't think of anyone
I'd rather it go wrong to!

Now, now, now, now. Steady, chaps.

Try and keep calm. We've been
in tighter spots than this.

Here we go. He's gonna ask us
to keep a stiff upper lip next.

I was about to say,
remember we're British.

I beg your pardon, Captain.

Then I was going to say,
keep a stiff upper lip.

Well, I'm not standing round here
waiting for mine to stiffen.

Guard! Guard!

I'm an Ecclesiastical dignitary!

I insist on seeing
the British Consul!

What do you want, pig?

I was going to
ask for the name of a good dentist,

but I don't think I'll bother now.

The feast in honour of the chiefs
is ready, my dear Raj.

Good. I will go now.
You have the photograph?

No.
Wait, I will see if I can get it.

Oh, there you are, Randy! I thought
you'd forgotten all about me.

Impossible, my dear madam.

You haven't mentioned the dress.
The sari.

No need to apologise.
There's a nice little fringe -

No, no, no.
The garment is called a sari.

Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh, yes, of course.
Silly me!

The sari with the fringe on top!
(LAUGHS)

Yes, it looks most exquisite on you,
madam.

But if you will forgive
my saying so,

there's something here
causing an ugly bulge.

I can't help the way I'm made,
can I?

No, no, I don't think it's part
of you. Ah! I have it!

You're very welcome to it, I'm sure.

No, of course,
it is the photograph.

Allow me to relieve you of what must
be a most tiresome burden -

Now, now, Randy.
Remember our bargain.

I shall give it to you
when you -

Yes, yes, I know the rest.

And that I trust, without seeming
to be too immodest or anxious,

can be right now. Oh, no, no,
please, madam.

Not before a meal.
When, then? When?

Never fear.
I will have it at sunset.

Oh, at sunset? Oh, how romantic.
I can hardly contain myself!

I noticed that.
The sari is much too small.

Till sunset, then...

Till sunset.

Well? Do you have it?
No, but don't worry.

It will be easy after
the public execution.

Oh, and only 500 cuts
for the memsahib.

I don't want the photograph ruined.

My lady, you must leave this place
at once.

Are you kidding, dear?

Oh, I wouldn't miss tonight
for anything.

My father has told you what is
to happen to you then?

Not half. At sunset.

And you're not frightened?

Well, it's not as if it's
the first time, is it?

But for it to happen in public,
in front of everyone.

Is it not humiliating?

Oh, well, I wouldn't want it -

In public?

Yes. Everyone will be watching
when it is done. It is the custom.

Not where I come from it isn't.

In public? Ooh, I think
that's positively common!

That is why I've come to save you.

You and the British soldiers
who are to die with you.

Die? What are you talking about?

The death of a thousand cuts.

That is what is going to happen
at sunset.

Death by a thousand cuts?

But I...I...I thought he was
going to...

Oh! Oh, the dirty rotten cheat!

You wait till I get my hands on him!

Oh, my lady, trust in me.

I have a plan to save you
and to get you to your home.

Home? But how can I go home now
after what I've done?

Poor Sidney...

I wonder what he's doing now...

So, you're the Khasi's number...?
Three.

Three, eh? Please sit down.
Thank you.

Very nice, too. I have come
because my lord and master

has taken your woman.

Yes, it's been a terrible shock
to me. Terrible.

He done me a great wrong.
True.

I have come to right that wrong.

(CHUCKLES) It's funny,
I was hoping you'd say that.

Excuse me.

Shorthouse!

Sir? Don't disturb us, please.
We're gonna have a bit of tiffin.

It's not time for tiffin, Sir.

Mind your own business!
Any time is tiffin time.

Who's there?

It is I, the Princess Jelhi.

The white memsahib will be put in
the cell with the other prisoners.

(CRIES OUT)

Princess Jelhi!
Captain Keene! Is it you?

Yes. How wonderful! I never thought
I'd see you again.

Nor I you.
And yet...

here you are.
Here you are.

Excuse me!
Yes?

Your Ladyship, have you still got
the photograph?

Yes. Worse luck.

I thought you said
there was no time to lose?

Yes, we must hurry. We must leave
before the feast finishes.

Change into these things
immediately. These?

And now for a little illusion
I picked up in Baghdad.

Ah, Baghdad...

Home of the immortal words,

"Who was that bag I saw you with
last night, Dad?"

"Who was that bag I saw you with
last night, Dad?"

I love it, yes!
I love it... (CLEARS THROAT)

And now, for my greatest illusion,

I would like from my audience
the assistance of one female lady.

Thank you, Madam.
And may I have your name, please?

They call me Busty.

Really? And may I have
your assistance, please?

Who is this idiot?

(CLEARS THROAT) Now, I want you to
observe I have one young lady here

and two stools.

That one's the young lady. (LAUGHS)

Oh, naughty! Now then,

I also want you to observe there is
nothing between the young lady

and the ceiling, and nothing between
the young lady and the floor.

When I remove the stool,
you'll observe that the young lady

is in a state of complete suspension

with no visible means of support.

I will now cover this young lady
with this old cloth.

I will now remove the first stool.

(CHUCKLES)

I will now remove the first stool.

It's clear. Come on.

Is this the best you could do?

It is the safest.

It's the costume of the dancers.

The guards, they will not interfere
with you.

They'll get a nasty shock
if they do.

Follow me.

Come on, come on.
Go on, Ethel.

I will now remove the second stool!

Bring on the dancing girls.
Get rid of this idiot!

Fakim, off!

You! Come!
You have kept our guests waiting.

Hurry. The dance, the dance!

Regi.

What do we do now?
Do as I do.

It is our only chance.

Play!

(MIDDLE EASTERN STYLE MUSIC)

Seize him!

(SHRIEKING AND YELLING)

No, no, this way!

After them!

(THUMPING)

Hurry, you fools!

Go! Get a battering ram!

How do get out of here?
There's no other door.

It is the place where the women
of the harem get exercise.

As if they don't get enough inside.

We'll have to
get over the wall somehow.

Wait a minute, dear,
let's get it right.

Remove the first stool.

Now remove the second stool.

That's it!

Eureka!

Hey you, Fakir. We need your help.

Sorry, madam, I'm busy.
Madam?!

I am Captain Keene of
Her Majesty's Third Foot and Mouth

and this is Sergeant Major Macnutt.

(LAUGHS) You could have fooled me.

Look, we need that rope of yours
to get us over the wall.

I'm sorry, it won't work.
Not without the magic words.

Come on, you'll be well paid.

Those are the magic words!
Come on, help me off this thing.

Right.

What thing?
Oh, look, look!

I've got a touch of the levitations!

Never mind that, get the rope.
Oh, rope. yes.

Here we are. Cop hold of that.

(HISSES AND RATTLES)

Oh, here we are. A lovely ladder.

Snakes and ladders.
Snakes and ladders!

That'll do.

Lovely. Just what we needed.
Come along now, to the wall.

Come on, then. Come on!

Right, here we go.

(SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT)

Should we get the rope, then?
No, this will do!

All right...

I'm going,
I'm going as fast as I can!

It's Widdle that's holding me up!

Right, let's go.
Where are you taking me?

Shut up and keep out of sight!

(CONTINUES SHOUTING ORDERS)

Argh!

They have got away!
Never mind.

We have the photograph!

I will go after the pigs!
Don't bother.

Go with your men, take the shortcut
to the Khyber Pass

and wipe out the British garrison
there.

Then the way will be open for us to
the Governor's residency at Kalabar.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(TUTS)

Your Excellency, Sir.

Eh? Who?
There's another one of them here.

Another one? So soon? Mm.
Did she say what number?

Nine, Sir.
Nine...

How many women's the Khasi got?

At the last count, 51, Sir.

51... Send her in.

Shorthouse.
Yes, Sir?

I know, you're not to be disturbed.
You are having tiffin.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Oh, how awful!
What can have happened?

I don't like making guesses
but I wouldn't be at all surprised

if there hadn't
been a spot of foul play here.

Foul play? Look at 'em!

Lying around here like
a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!

Ginger!
Who is?

He is. Ginger, my mate.

Private Hale?
Yes, Ginger Hale.

Hello, Ginge.
It's me, Jimmy, your old mate.

Jimmy Widdle.
Jimmy? Hm.

Is it you?
My old mate.

Ginge, mate. How do you feel?
Not so good.

I think I've been wounded.
Only here and there.

Jimmy...
Hm?

I can trust you.
Now give it to me straight...

..am I gonna be all right?

Course not, Ginge, mate.

Eh?
I said, course not, Ginge, mate.

I'm...I'm not gonna be all right?

How could you be with half-a-dozen
dirty great holes in you?

You've had it.

You're a bleedin' fine mate,
I must say!

What do you mean? You asked me
to give it to you straight.

Yeah, but I didn't mean you to!

You horrible little runt, you!
(GROANS)

That's enough, Widdle!

You're a great lot of comfort
to a dying man, aren't you?

Now listen, Hale,
this is Sergeant Major Macnutt.

What happened, lad?

They attacked
about half an hour ago, Sir.

Hundreds of 'em.

(BELCHES) Burpas.

They...they...

(SIGHS)

Oh, no.

Ginge... Ginge, mate, I'm sorry.
I...

Poor old mate.

(COUGHS) That's right!
Bleedin' well suffocate me!

(GROANS)

The entire garrison at Khyber
has been wiped out, mighty Raj.

Well done,
my most beautiful warrior!

You're a better man than I am,
Bungdit Din.

You see now that the photograph
does not lie!

The Devils in Skirts
are not invincible.

We have caught them
with their pants up!

Attack!

(YELLING)

Captain Keene, Sir! Captain Keene!

What is it?
They're coming down the Pass, Sir.

Hundreds of the devils!
Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Everybody outside, please.

(GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE)

Right. Now pay attention please,
everyone.

It appears the Khasi is coming down
the pass with his army.

Now, I've decided that you will all
try and get back to the residency.

"We"? What about you?

I'm going to stay back here and
hold them off as long as possible.

Oh, no, Sir. That's no job
for an officer, Sir. Allow me.

Very well, Sergeant Major.
You realise it means certain death?

Yes. That's why
it's no job for an officer.

Yes. I hadn't thought of that.

I'll be pleased to have one
volunteer to stay with me, Sir.

Don't look at me, I'm a civilian.

Widdle!
And I'm a coward.

Widdle,
I'm giving you one last chance!

And I'm a cowardly volunteer.

Excuse me.
With pleasure.

That's my Widdle.

Good luck, Sergeant Major.
Thank you, Sir. And you, Sir.

And you, Widdle.
And you.

(SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE)

There's someone moving about
down in the Pass.

Do you think those fools
will try to make a fight of it?

They will have difficulty.
We took care of the arms there, too.

(GUNFIRE)
I think someone's been at them.

Useless! Never mind, we've still got
the Maxim and a field gun. Right.

Widdle, get the ammunition.

Ooh, isn't this exciting?
Oh, yes, I'm just loving it!

It's quite a new experience for me.

I've only ever ridden side-saddle
before. You could have fooled me.

Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill!

Here they come. Fire!

No, wait till you see
the whites of their eyes.

I can only see the pinks.
Will that do? Yeah!

Have a taste of this, you swine!

(BARREL ORGAN PLAYS)

What the devil?

(BARREL ORGAN PLAYS)

You rotten swines!
You'll pay for this!

Come on!

Load! Load!

Come on.

Come on!

Stand clear!

(BOMB WHISTLES)

Down, everyone!
Oh!

Aaah!

Widdle! Run!

Come on, let's get out of here.

Whoa! Here! Wait!
Hey, wait for me.

Ooh! Ooh!
Come on, Madam! Giddy-up!

Guard...halt!

To Her Most Gracious Majesty
Victoria,

Queen of Great Britain
and her dominions,

Empress of all India,
Defender of the Faith.

Dear Vicky,

I have the honour to report

that all goes well with
Your Majesty's province of Kalabar.

And I flatter myself
that I have established

new and more intimate relationships
with many of your subjects.

11, to be precise.

..many of your subjects.

And I look forward
to continuing to do so.

I therefore close,
your most respectful servant,

Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond,
KCB, OBE, ACDC, BBC, ITV,

available for private parties.
Etc, etc.

Oh, yes. PS, Love to Albert.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Excuse me, Sir.

(CLOCK CHIMES
A QUARTER PAST THE HOUR)

There's another one of them here,
Sir. Oh, blimey, no!

Well, Sir, if you're not
feeling fit, perhaps I could, er...

see her for you?

Major Shorthouse,
however onerous they may be,

nobody could ever say
that I neglect my official duties.

Neither do rabbits.

Did she give any number?

13, Sir.

13. Unlucky for some. Ha-ha!

Send her in.

13, eh? That's 12 down, 38 to go.

Can't help wondering
what happened to number 5.

(BULLOCK BELLOWS)

Thanks for the lift.
Yes, it was quite an experience.

I've never ridden in carts
pulled by cows before.

Bullocks, Mr Belcher.
No, I haven't, honestly.

Here we are, home safe and sound.
If I can still call it home.

After the way I've treated poor
Sidney, I doubt he'll have me back.

Nonsense, Your Ladyship,
I keep telling you,

it isn't as if anything happened
to you.

Well there's no need
to keep rubbing it in.

It was good of you to see me.

Not at all.
It's a pleasure. Any time.

It was necessary to right the wrong
done you by my lord and master.

You're quite right there.

Would you mind mentioning that
to number 5 if you should see her?

Your Ladyship! Major Shorthouse,
where is my husband?

Your husband?
Ah, you mean Sir Sidney.

Of course I mean Sir Sidney! I've
only got one husband, haven't I?

No. I mean, yes.
You want to see him?

Well, naturally I want to see him!
What's the matter with you?

No! You can't go in there!
Why ever not?

He's very busy with an affair...
of state.

This is more important.
He's not to be disturbed.

I must see him!
Your Ladyship, he's very busy.

Get out of the way.
Lady Ruff-Diamond!

No need to shout.
Blimey, my wife's here!

It is good. I will tell her
the wrong has been righted.

You'll tell her nothing of the kind.
Get in there. Quiet. Quiet, please.

Sidney!

Oh!

Oh, Sidney, dear, I've come back.
Yes, so I heard.

Sidney, I have been foolish,
indiscreet. I lost my head.

Is that all?
Will you ever forgive me?

What for?
For running off and leaving you.

Oh, that! Yes, I forgive you.
Go and have a nice cup of tea.

No, Sidney, we must have it out.

Don't have it out.
But I have wronged you, dear,

and I want to right that wrong now.
Now?! Oh, not now!

For Pete's sake, not now!
Oh, please, Sidney.

I will not deny
that I went off with the Khasi,

but nothing happened between us.

I know that... What?!

Well, it's true.
He never laid a finger on me.

Sssh. Don't tell everybody. What do
you mean? You ought to be pleased.

I am... I am pleased.
Ooh, definitely. I am very pleased.

But they like a bit of scandal here,
something to talk about in the club.

I see what you mean.
We British have got a reputation.

We want to keep it up, don't we?
I'm not proud nothing happened.

Quiet!

Please forgive me.
I have wronged you.

Me? Yes, I have righted a wrong
which did not happen.

I am sorry.

Funny woman.
What was that woman doing in there?

I don't know. Cupboard love?

Don't you come it with me,
Sidney Ruff-Diamond. I know you.

What's that mark on your cheek? Yes,
I thought so, you filthy Governor!

Now, just a minute, Joany.
Don't you Joany me, you old lecher!

So that's what happens
the minute my back's turned!

Wait!
You ran away with another bloke!

Oh, I've heard some pretty weak
excuses in my time!

Well, I'll teach you,
Sidney Ruff-Diamond!

Well, it makes a change from tiffin.

Keep your eyes skinned, men.

We're expecting an attack
at any moment.

I'll be on my way now,
Captain Keene.

I wouldn't leave the compound
if I were you, Mr Belcher.

These Burpas are after blood,
you know.

Oh, they wouldn't dare show violence
to a missionary.

Love thy neighbour, Captain.

(GUNSHOT)

Get ready to close the gates
once our men are inside.

Give them some covering fire.
Fire at will. Fire at will!

Poor old Will!
Why do they always fire at him?

(GUNSHOTS)

Close the gates. Come on, inside!

All right, cease fire. Cease fire!

Reporting back, Sir.

I'm sorry, we were unable
to hold them at the Pass.

Quite all right, Sergeant Major.
I'm sure you did your best.

Carry on. Take over the defence.

Sir.

Her ladyship's aim
seems to be improving, Sir.

You're telling me.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Excuse me, Your Excellency.
Oh, Captain Keene.

Did I hear firing just now,
or was it the mem?

It was firing, Sir. We are
having a spot of trouble outside.

We're not doing so well in here,
either.

I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.

An armed revolt like this
could set the whole of India aflame.

That's what I said, Sir.
Who asked you?

No-one, Sir.
Well, belt up.

One false step
and it could be disastrous.

As Major Shorthouse just said, Sir.

And who asked him?

Oh, f...udge.

No, gentlemen, this revolt
will have to be suppressed

with the utmost tact and diplomacy.

We'll string up half a dozen of 'em
for a start.

What is it, Sergeant Major?

The Khasi's here under
a flag of truce with Bungdit Din.

All right, Captain.

Right, Sergeant Major, show them in.
Sir!

For heaven's sake, Sergeant Major,

see the surgeon
and get that thing taken out!

Under a flag of truce, eh?
I wonder what that means.

Well, Sir, it's a piece of white
material st... I know what it is!

Greetings, Your Excellency.

It is most kind of you to see us
at such short notice.

You're always welcome, Your
Highness.

You are most kind.

And how can I be of service
to Your Highness?

As a mark of my deep respect
for Your Excellency's person,

I have come to offer you and your
people safe conduct out of Kalabar.

A very magnanimous gesture.

And if I do not wish to leave?

Then, Your Excellency,
I shall be forced, most reluctantly,

to burn the Residency to the ground
and kill everyone in it.

Is that all?

As a further mark of my respect,
I shall then exhibit

your distinguished
but neatly severed head

from the walls of the palace.

A very generous gesture.

You are most welcome,
Your Excellency.

Just to show that we too are capable
of making a generous gesture...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

In that case,
there is nothing more to say.

Unless you'd like to stop
for a bit of tiffin.

No, thank you. Unlike you British,
we are not tiffin-mad.

I still don't trust that fella.

Things look rather bad, Sir.
What are we going to do?

Do, Captain? We're British.
We won't do anything.

Until it's too late. That's the
first sensible thing you've said.

No, gentlemen, as always,
we will carry on

as if nothing was gonna happen.

But surely, Sir, we...
we must make some decisions.

You're quite right, Captain.

Shorthouse, we'll have dinner
at seven.

I'd like Captain Keene, Princess
Jelhi and Brother Belcher

to join us.

Black tie, of course.
Of course, Sir.

Over there!

There's only one thing to be
worried about, and that's me!

And I'm right behind you!

What's that supposed to be, Widdle?

The thin red line.
They'll never get past that!

If you don't get out of here,

you'll have a thin red line
across your thick white backside!

Come on, come on!

Remember, men, it's up to us to see
they don't get through.

Everything is ready for the attack,
mighty Raj.

Seven o'clock. This hour will
go down in history, Bungdit Din.

Shall I give the order to attack?
Yes.

No, wait.
What strange noise is that?

(DISTANT WALTZ)

What trickery is this?

# JOHANN STRAUSS:
Roses From The South

(LOW CHATTER)

You, up there! What is this noise?

Can you see what is happening?

Oh, yes.
They are sitting down to dinner.

Sitting down to dinner?!
Are they stark raving bonkers?

Do they think I'm playing games?

It is a typical exhibition
of the British phlegm.

I spit on their British phlegm!

Oh, excuse me,
a most impolite expression,

but these people,
sometimes they infuriate me.

They come out here
with their starched uniforms

and their stiff upper lips

and their dirty great flags
hanging out.

They think they own the place!

They do.
Well, they won't for much longer.

Start the attack.
Imshi!

By the time I'm finished, their
stiff upper lips will be so limp

they'll be hanging down
to their navels.

I will kill the pigs! Fire!

(CACKLES)

That will teach them
to ban turbans on the busses!

(EXPLOSION)

(FIERCE GUNFIRE)

(EXPLOSION)

Aren't you enjoying your soup, then?
Oh, it's delightful. Delightful.

(BOMB WHISTLES AND BANGS)

Terrible noise.

Yes, it's shocking, innit?

It's not a first-class orchestra.
Mind you, they're doing their best.

I er... I mean, the noise outside.

Oh. It's probably the drains again.

(GUNFIRE)

Major, you really must have that
seen to. Yes, Sir.

How are you enjoying your stay
in India, Mr Belcher?

Marvellous. Can't wait to leave.

Yes, I suppose it has
its ups and downs.

(BOMB WHISTLES)

We'll all be going up in a minute.

I must say, the wind seems to be
a little strong tonight.

Whose?

We used to know a missionary fella
in the Solomon Islands.

Remember, dear?

Oh, yes, a splendid man. He went
down very well with the natives.

Did he?

Yeah, they ate him. Ha-ha-ha!

(EXPLOSION)

(BONG)
You rang, sir?

Yes, Chindi, you may serve the wine.

Wine?! They're all raving mad.

What's all this noise?
Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?

What is that?
(GUNFIRE)

It's the flaming fakir who helped
them to escape from Jaksi.

Another idiot! I'll teach him
and those fools in there

a lesson they will never forget!

Seize him!
Cease firing! Stop firing!

Some more wine, Mr Belcher?

It's finished! No,
there's half a bottle here still.

No, no. I mean all that banging
and rumbling.

Banging and rumbling? Didn't notice
any banging and rumbling.

Oh, Sidney, you didn't forget to
take your soda mint before dinner?

No. I don't mean
that sort of rumbling, madam.

Oh, you mean the noise outside
just now?

Yes, that's right!

Yes. A spot of thunder.
It's the season for it, you know.

Yes, I remember once when we were in
Poona, we had a shocking storm.

It really poured down.

Oh, yes, I remember that very well.

Yes, I thought you would.
Stark bonkers, the lot of them!

Ah, the meat course.

You'll love this.

(GASPS IN HORROR)

And for my next trick,
I will perform a feat...

Well, that's not what we ordered,
is it, Sidney?

Of course it isn't.
Chindi, what's the meaning of this?

I... I do not know, Your Excellency.

I ordered suckling pig, didn't I?

I'm very sorry, Your Excellency.

Well, take it away, go on.

You've got to get rid of that cook,
dear.

Oh, yes!

Did you wanna go somewhere,
Mr Belcher?

Mad! That's the fakir's head!
They've killed him!

Well, that's dashed unsporting.

Unsporting?!

Yes, it's the closed season
for fakirs.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

No, it's true. Here.

Here we are.
April 1st to September 30th.

Of course. How silly of me.
I should have known.

Some wine?

How did they like that?

They didn't like it.
They're sending it back.

You mean they're going on
with dinner?

Yes, Highness.

Oh, no, this is ridiculous! What
must one do to arouse these idiots?

I do not know, Highness.

A thing like that
leaves them unmoved,

but put the tea in the cup before
the milk and they go berserk!

It is like they're Sir Francis Drake
finishing his bowls.

Oh, don't talk bowls to me!
Kill them! Kill them all!

Attack! Attack! Kill! Kill!
Kill!

So you and the Princess
plan to get married, Captain?

That's right, sir.
Oh, I do love a wedding.

Yeah, good show. Course, I shall put
the Residency at your disposal.

Well, that's er...
jolly kind of you, Sir.

What's left of it.

Pardon?

I said what's left of it.

Oh. Eh? Oh, yes. Major Shorthouse,
make a note, will you?

Have this room decorated.
Yes, sir.

The termites, you know.

So, will your mothers and father
be coming, then?

More wine, Mr Belcher?
(GUNSHOT)

Chindi, get me some more Margaux.
This one's a bit off.

Ah! Ooh.

Oh, dear. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I seem to have got
a little plastered!

(LAUGHTER)

(DISCORDANT PIANO KEYS)

Oh, the orchestra seems to have
stopped playing.

Ah.

Bravo! Encore!

(THEY PLAY FALTERINGLY)
# JOHANN STRAUSS: The Blue Danube

The gates have gone! Attack!
Kill! Kill!

Well done, my beautiful warrior!

Come, we will put them to the sword!
To the sword!

(BATTLE RAGES OUTSIDE)

(CORK POPS)

Cor blimey!
You frightened the life out of me!

I wonder if I might pop outside,
Sir,

and see if anything's happening?

But you haven't had your pudding
yet.

Oh, and it's strawberry mousse.

Oh. Well, in that case...

Mr Belcher?

Mr...

Mr Belcher?

Mr Belcher?

Forgive me. I was er...

I was adjusting my dickey.
Oh.

Excuse me for butting in, Sir.

That's all very well,
but we have got a door.

Sorry, but this was rather urgent.
All right, what is it?

They've broken into the compound.

I say, that's a dashed bad show!

Perhaps we ought to go out
and have a look, eh, Captain?

If the ladies will excuse us?

Oh, yes, of course, dear,
if it's important.

I'm sure Mr Belcher
will keep you entertained.

Major Shorthouse, my revolver.

Of course, Sir.

Have you got yours, dear,
just in case? Yes, dear.

Try and save the last bullet for Mr
Belcher. After all, he is our guest.

Chindi, please.

(BAND STILL PLAYING THE BLUE DANUBE
WHILE THE BATTLE RAGES ON)

Don't worry, we'll save you
some strawberry mousse.

They like strawberry mousse.

Strawberry mousse!
# Strawberry mousse! Strawberry... #

(PLAYS SCOTS WHA' HAE)

Do you come here often?

(GUNSHOT)
Ow!

What did you do that for?
I just got a bullet in my sporran.

Have you? Get back and fight!

(GUNFIRE)

I think they mean business
this time.

Looks a bit like it, Sir.

If, er... you'll excuse me?

Certainly.

Permission to, er, have a bash, Sir?

Yes, go on, enjoy yourself.
Thank you.

(BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM)

Do you wish to see me?
(GUNSHOT)

Fall back to the Residency, men!
Fall back!

Captain Keene.
Sir? Your collar's undone.

Oh. Sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we're done for, Sir.
There's too many of them.

Not yet. Line the men up down there.

Sir?

Line them up! Facing the enemy.
Yes, Sir.

Dis...engage!

Form one straight line

facing the enemy!

Stop!

Regi, get the Raj.

Company...kilts...front!

Go on! There are no devils in skirts
to frighten you now!

And...raise!

(ALL SCREAM)

Come back! Come back!
There's nothing to be afraid of!

Oh, I don't know, though.

Regi!

All right, Captain, dismiss the men.
Thank you, Sir.

Carry on, Sergeant Major.
Sir. Right, you dozy lot!

Move!

Sidney, dear, are you all right?
I'm top-hole, dear.

I thought we'd have coffee
in the lounge. Yes, why not?

Oh, dear.

That's all right.
We'll clear it up in the morning.

I was so worried.

Of course, they're all raving mad,
you know. (CHUCKLES)

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