Original subtitles

How about the other half? Eh?

Another one of those.

Oh, ta. Have you got a large one?

I've had no complaints so far. LAUGHS

Seeing's believing. You won't need a magnifying glass!

Oooh! Heurghh-heurghh!

Here we are.

No, no, no. Have it on me... if you know what I mean.

Oh! You don't have to draw me any diagrams.

Pity. I was just going to get my ballpoint out!

Yeah, and write your name in the froth with it, I suppose.

Bottoms up. Is that what it is? You could have fooled me.

THUD

Evenin', all.

Hello, Cora. Harry.

Usual, ta.

Vic, see to Harry. I thought he'd been seen to years ago.

Well, how are they hanging? Empty. Soon fix that up.

Not for me, ta. I've just had dinner.

I hear you're going on your holiday tomorrow, then.

Just a weekend. All right for some. Taking the missus, too?

No, she won't go abroad. Doesn't like flying.

And someone has to look after the pub.

It's a package deal. 17 quid, all in.

Thank you. W-where are you going to?

Some new resort in the Med.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Vic! Tell him.

It's a place called Elsbels.

Hey! Elsbels? The island?

Yes. Tomorrow?

Blimey. There's a coincidence for you.

What is? Sadie's going there on the same trip!

Get away.

That's right, isn't it, Sadie? You're going to Elsbels.

Me? Oh...yes. I thought of going. Why?

Well, Vic's going on the same trip.

Really? Well, fancy that!

Have a good trip.

Get off.

Well, that's it. How about a nice cup of tea?

You filthy, rotten, stinking beast.

What have I done now? Don't come the innocent with me.

You and that Sadie Tomkins!

(HIGH-PITCHED) "Are you going on the same trip? Fancy that! Fancy that!"

Well, I don't fancy that at all.

What are you talking about? It's the first I've heard of it. Straight up.

Don't lie to me. You've obviously both arranged it.

Arranged it? If I'd known she was going, I'd have cancelled.

Good, because that's exactly what you're going to do.

As late as this? I'll lose my deposit money.

You'll lose a damn sight more if you don't.

Oh, have a heart. I need this holiday.

I can't go without it just because she's going.

If she's going, you won't be going without it.

What? Cor blimey, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole.

No, but you would with anything else.

Oh, no wonder you never mind going on holiday on your own.

Now, that's not true. I've always begged you to come with me.

All right, then. I will.

Flying. FLYING. You don't like flying. Remember?

I don't like washing floors,

but I'd rather do that than you get some other scrubber.

I'll see the travel agent first thing in the morning.

Hello there. Afternoon, Miss Dobbs. Lovely day for it.

That's what they all say, but it won't get you anywhere.

I meant for the Elsbels trip, Miss Dobbs.

Oh, I say! I'm awfully sorry.

That's all right. Any time.

Let's leave the sightseeing till we get there, eh?

Good afternoon. Lovely day for it.

That's what they all say. I bet they do.

Or did you mean the trip? No, what I meant was... Never mind.

It's Mr and Mrs Flange, for the weekend to Elsbels.

If you'd like to take a seat, sir. You're not due to leave just yet.

Hello. How do you do?

Are you girls going to Elsbels? Yeah, that's right.

Oh, very nice. I'm Vic Flange. That's my wife.

(DULLY) Oh. Hello.

Never mind, love. Better luck next time.

The coach is here, and some of the party.

Well, we may as well get them aboard.

Of course. Mr Farquhar...

I want you to know how thrilled I am to be with you this trip.

I feel we're going to be wonderful together.

Miss Plunkett, you're squashing my itinerary.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I keep forgetting what a big girl I am now.

Well, shall we get them out now?

Why, Mr Farquhar! The people for the coach, I mean.

Oh, those. Yes, of course.

Good afternoon. You may board the coach. Have your tickets ready.

Coach? I thought we were going by air.

We have to go by coach to get to the airport.

But you didn't say that. I don't like coaches, either.

Blimey! You're determined to have a good time.

Ah, thank you. May I wish you both an extremely happy holiday.

Oh, thanks. Come on, Marge.

That's enough of that. Sorry. My arms are aching.

Your eyes will be, too, before long. All right. All right.

Excuse me. Is this the Elsbels coach? That's right.

Oh, good. Excuse me. Well, don't mind us!

Quite a nice day, though.

Blunt. Mr and Mrs Stanley Blunt.

Do you have a ticket? Do we look like stowaways?

No, not at all, but I have to collect them.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Stanley - tickets.

Tickets, dear? Yes. Er... in my trousers pocket, dear.

Well, produce them. Oh, why are you always so helpless?

(WHIMPERS)

For heaven's sake, keep still.

Aaaarghhh!

(GIGGLES)

Oooh! Back! The back pocket!

Why on earth didn't you say so?

There.

Now, come along, and stop making such an exhibition of yourself.

Ah, good afternoon, sir. Your tickets?

Here we are.

Thank you, Mr Flange. Correct. You're travelling with Miss...

Er...no. Mrs. Mrs Flange. Mr and Mrs Flange.

Oh, but I've got you down as with Miss Tom...

No, no. That was all changed this morning.

Oh, you've just got married? Oh, congratulations!

No, no, I...changed the booking.

I was coming on my own, but then she changed her mind.

What's the trouble, Vic? Nothing, darling. Nothing.

You got it? Two tickets. Mr and Mrs Flange.

If you say so, sir. I do say so.

Come on, darling.

I hope there's some young ones.

Oh, stop worrying, Marge. They said a party of young blokes was coming.

I certainly hope so.

Now, don't forget, Eustace, dear. None of that oily food.

And take your syrup of figs every night.

Yes, Mummy. But do stop worrying. I shall be quite all right.

I do hope so, dear

but I shall be praying to Him to keep your bowels open.

That will not be necessary! It's the least I can do.

Goodbye, dear, and take care.

Yes, dear.

Ah, good afternoon, sir. (EFFEMINATELY) Oh, hello!

Have you got a ticket? Yes, I have. Have you?

Of course. I'm the courier for this party. How nice.

Ah, Mr Tuttle. You're travelling alone?

Yes, I am. Mummy has to stay behind to look after the hamsters.

Oh, really? Yes.

Left alone, they start mating. Oh, how interesting.

No, it isn't. It's all over in a flash.

Oh, I meant to tell you, dear.

Keep your woolly vest on, even at night.

Yes, Mummy...and goodbye.

Oh, and when you do go, always put plenty of paper down first.

You will look after him, won't you?

We look after everyone on a Wundatour, madam.

Yes, but he's not like the rest. I can certainly believe that.

He's very delicate and not used to being away from home.

Excuse me. What is it? What do you want?

You're blocking their passage.

Yes, and that would never do, would it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, Mummy.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Hello.

How about these two? Quite dishy!

Mr Tweed, Mr Phipps. Would you like to take your seat?

Thank you very much.

Hello. Hello.

Do you mind, please, sitting down?

Who the hell do you think you're talking to?

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Hey, son. Is this for the dirty weekend?

This is the four-day trip to Elsbels, if that's what you mean.

Same difference, isn't it? Ha-ha!

Have you got a ticket? I don't expect to get it for nothing.

Not the holiday, anyway! Ha-ha!

Oh, Mr Conway, yes. Will you take your seat on the coach?

Well, I canna leave it behind, can I?

I'll need it to drive the old point home.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hello there. All ready for a wild weekend, eh?

Oh, well. Maybe not.

(EFFEMINATELY) Hello.

Well, where's all the crumpet, then?

I don't think they give us any tea.

No, no. Women. Birds.

Oh. I did notice a couple of young ladies, back there.

Oh, no, son. That's jail bait, that is.

"Touch me and I'll tell my dad" stuff.

Hey, that looks a bit more like it!

I'll just give her a hand with her bags. Allow me.

Oh, ta.

Be careful. It's not well...

fastened.

Heurghh-heurghh! That's torn it.

Oh, I'll do it.

It took me a long time to get all that in there.

I'll bet!

Men!

We can't possibly leave yet. There's a party of 12 men to come.

There! What did I tell you? 12 of 'em!

Miss Plunkett's checking them now.

Ah. It's all right. Here they come.

Please! Please, working! Why not working?

Standing, leaning on shovels!

We four and five storeys yet putting up. Work!

These English people coming for happy holidays.

You very loving foreman... We no work like this.

Look at this.

Let's go. No, no.

It's nice here. Look.

Are forgetting shovels. Little shovels. Small diggings.

Santa Cecilia! Floella! Floella!

Floella! Floella!

Floella!

Floella? Floella?

Floella?

Floella!

Floella? Floella?

Floella? Floella? Peoples, peoples are here!

What can I do, I've got enough troubles

with the blooding stove, don't I?

(HISS) Aaaah!

Floella, these are our first guests.

If we not making success, we is getting the sacks from the owners!

We got to make them welcome, baby.

Giorgio!

Make nothing with no bloody food!

And no bloody staff!

OK, OK, it's my fault we've got no bloody staff.

Where's Giorgio?

How should I know? On his bloody arse, I suppose.

Giorgio! Get off your bloody arses, the people get here!

Giorgio!

Giorgio. Si, Papa?

Waking up! Making readies!

People coming. A load of sheets. Si, Papa.

Ladies and gentlemens, welcoming to Palace Hotels.

Oh, we... are in the right place, then?

Yes. This is number-one first-class hotel on islands.

Entering, please, but minding wet cements.

This way.

(ALL GRUMBLE)

This is very lovings, no?

I beg your pardon? Oh, you mean lovely? Yes, very nice.

Is all brand-news. Tables not sat in, chairs not sat in, lavatories...

Yeah, we needn't go into that. Is the manager here?

Er...yes, yes. I fetch him. One moment.

Yes, well, I think we shall be very comfortable here.

It'll be all right when it's finished.

Oh, you won't let a little thing like that spoil your holiday?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur Pepe.

But you were the doorman. Me? That's Mario, my brothers.

Oh, I see. I'm the representative of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.

I think he was right the first time. Mr Farki-Hars. Letters for you.

Good. I wondered if you were expecting us.

Certainly, I'm expecting. My wife is also expecting.

Yes, well... this hotel doesn't seem to be quite finished.

Not finished? Oh, it's nothing. A little bit of building to finish.

Four or five floors. That's all.

Four or five floors?! You have got room for us, though?

Glad you mentionings. As a matter of factings...

(WHISPERS)

CLATTERING Nasty, blooding stove!

Oh, excuse me. The chef is not speaking so good English.

Well, could you show us the rooms you have?

Me? No, no, no. I fetch the porter.

Porter!

This way, please, ladies and gentlemens.

It is outrageous, asking us to share a room just because we're married.

I...I don't know, dear.

I thought it was quite reasonable, in the circumstances.

You didn't resist.

Any man with half an ounce of gumption would have refused.

Oh...I...actually, I thought it might be quite fun.

Fun? Fun?

Well, it is quite some time since we did it.

Erm...shared a room, I mean.

Stanley, you're not going to try to use this as an excuse

to start that nastiness again?

No, dear, of course not. No.

I should hope not. You know I need a bit of peace and quiet.

Well, I can assure you that I need a bit, too.

Yes, well, we'll just have to try and make the best of it.

Now, I am going to get undressed, and have a nice, hot bath.

Oh, that's...a jolly good idea.

Well?

Er...yes, well, I'll just go out onto the balcony.

Don't forget to keep looking the other way.

We've got a shower.

That's something. Open the windows, and let's get some fresh air.

That's a good idea.

What's the matter with it? It's stuck.

Excusings, please. You liking towels?

Yes, please. Er...excusings.

Do you think you can do something about the windows? They won't open.

Not openings? No.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

KNOCK ON DOOR Just a minute.

Please excusings. You like towels?

Stanley!

Yes, dear? What is it?

Oh, I say. For heaven's sake, Stanley, do something!

Yes, dear.

Dash it all!

This isn't good enough.

Can't you see my wife's undressed?

Yes, I see, I see. She is very lovings. You very lucky mans.

You think so?

Yes...big hip...

small waist...and boom-boom.

Stanley, will you get him out of here? Now, look here...Ow!

I feel as though I were in a cattle market.

Yes, dear, I see what you mean.

Oh, hello!

Aaaarghh! Stanley!

Stanley! Coming, dear.

Stanley, there is a man in our bath.

What? Well, what sort of man?

What does it matter? They're all the same.

Well, yes. I'll just go and see...

I say, I'm awfully sorry! Aaaarghh!

Not to worry. It's only Mr Tuttle.

But why is he in our bathroom?

Your bathroom? But it leads off my room. I think I'm going to go mad.

No, hang on. Before you go anywhere. I think I'd better go and check.

PHONE BUZZING

Receptings.

Yes, my wife has a complaint. You wanting doctors?

No, no, not that sort of complaint.

She's been to the bathroom, and there's a man in it.

Oh, it's all right. We not making extra chargings for this.

You don't seem to understand. This is a private bathroom - no?

Is right. Is private between two rooms.

But then that's hardly private, is it?

Oh, for heaven's sake! Give me that phone.

Hello. I wish to make a strong...complaint.

I've never had a trip like it in my life and with such fearsome people!

Have you ever seen anything like them? I swear they're all odd.

Isn't that typical? I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.

Oh, lay off it, Rob. We're only here for four days.

No, I've had enough. I am taking no more. Hello?

BUZZING Excusing, please.

Receptings. I have a complaint to make.

Complaint? Er...one minute, please. I hand you over to Room Servicings.

Hello? About the bath...I am handing you over to Room Servicings.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Hello? Hello?

Ah, room Service?

And about time. Now, listen. My drawers have got no bottoms in them.

What? Who is that?

I want Room Service.

Well, so do I. Get off the line.

(RATTLES PHONE) Room Service?

Ah. It's about our bathroom.

Aaaarghh!

I want to complain.

Er...one minute, please. I giving you Room Servicings.

Hello?

I've just found there's no back to my wardrobe.

What? What? Who is that? Is that Room Service? Room Service?

I wish to report a man in my bath.

Oh, go away. Go away!

Er...mind if I shower first?

Oh, go ahead. I'm going to wash my hair.

Hello?

RADIO PLAYS JAZZ

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESTARTS

MUSIC STOPS

ELECTRICAL FIZZING

SHE SCREAMS Blimey!

Vic, what are you doing in here?

Get out of here!

I'm sorry, if I'd known you were in here, I wouldn't have come.

Yes, all right, just get out of here quick before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any soap on that bit.

Get out of here!

I thought this was our bathroom. I didn't realise there was a door...

What do you think of that?

I've never been so humiliated. Where's the phone?

CONSTANT BUZZING

Well, everyone seems happy enough now, I'm glad to say.

There is one matter I would like to take up with you, Monsieur Pepe.

No, no, it's not Monsieur Pepe. I getting him. You take.

For me? Yes, it's Room Servicings.

Oh, I see. Yes.

Hello. Room Service.

There is a man in my bath...

With no bottom... And nothing on the other side.

And as I bent over... There she was, starkers.

When I pressed the thing... And tried to plug it in...

Sand shot out of it... And soaked me from head to foot.

Now it won't work at all. Just one moment, please.

BUZZING

EXPLOSION Oh! Oh! Help!

Aaaarghh! Help!

Lovely night. Funny how everything looks better in the moonlight.

Pity we didn't have it in our bathroom, then.

Don't keep on about it. How was I to know we shared a bathroom with her?

But you struck up a conversation. A gentleman would have left.

I was very embarrassed. I didn't know which way to look.

You mean at which one. Yeah... Oh, no, this is ridiculous.

I bet you're always the same on holiday. You become an animal.

Right. There's only one way to deal with that, then.

And where are you going?

To get myself doctored!

Oooh!

Yoo-hoo! Hello, girls. Hello, Mr Tuttle.

I say, how about another little game before dinner, eh?

No, thanks, Mr Tuttle. Come along, Marge.

Ohh! Hey, I'll get you!

(HOLLERS)

I think I'll get a breath of fresh air before supper, Brother Martin.

Evening.

Hello there. Are you having one?

Yes, thanks. I'll have a beer. What's it like?

Well, I canna make up my mind whether it's gnat's or cat's.

You're making me homesick!

Oh, no, Mr Tuttle. No more. You're too old for it.

Oh, come on. You do enjoy it.

I don't. Oh, just once more. Bend over, dear.

All right, then, but this is the last time.

Here I come!

Ooooh! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, please, let me help you. Oh, thank you.

I can manage.

Oh, all right. I'd like to apologise for that wardrobe business.

Don't bother. I hope you enjoyed what you saw.

Oh, yes! I mean...

Ohh! Will you let go of me?

Aaaarghh!

Here's your skirt.

Your skirt...

Oh, it wasn't his fault. It was an accident.

I'll see to it.

Poor girls. I'll give them a hand.

I'm sure they can manage quite well enough without your help.

Get a load of that, then!

That's the best bet of the lot, son.

How do you know? Well, I got the old green light, didn't I?

You did?

Begging for it... Pity.

Pity?

Makes it awkward. You know what happened to her husband?

What did happen to him?

(WHISPERS)

Rat poison? She told you that? Why? Don't you believe her?

Oh, yes. I was just thinking of her first husband. Nasty business.

Why? What happened to him?

(WHISPERS)

With an axe?

Next morning, they found him dead in the swimming pool.

Hey, George! Give us a large whisky.

Good evening. Good evening, everyone.

And what a lovely one it is!

There he is now. Go on. Tell him.

Er...yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, dear.

Mr Farquhar, my wife... That is, we...

Well, the fact is, we're not altogether happy about the...

Well, that is...

Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley!

My husband is trying to say this is the most appalling hotel

in which we have ever stayed.

BOTH: Hear, hear.

(UNCTUOUSLY) Oh, no. Don't be like that.

We're the first guests they've had.

They're bound to have teething troubles.

More teething troubles than a crocodile with pyorrhoea.

I am confident that things will get better.

They need to, if I'm going to get a shower every time I take a leak.

Now, I think we'll all feel a lot better when we've had a good dinner.

FLOELLA: Aaaarghh!

I can't do with the blooding thing!

If we are going to get any dinner.

Aaaarghh!

Why do we have to have a coke stove? Why can't we have electric-tricity?

Santa Cecilia! How many more times?

Because cook is more dependable than the electricities.

But it don't burn! Look!

Mama, Mama. All is needing is methylating spirits. Wait.

Watching.

So, cook. Cook!!

Aaarghh!

Excuse me, Monsieur Pepe.

We were wondering about dinner. They're waiting.

I'm sorry, Mr Farki-Hars. It's late. we are having troubles with stove.

It's all cock, you see.

I beg your pardon? And with no wind, it is not burning.

Oh, you mean coke stove.

Yes, is right. Cock stove.

But not to worry. Is OK. Soon you have first-class number-nine dinner.

Number nine? Oh, good. With free wines.

Excellent! I'll tell them. Giorgio!

Putting one bottle on each table, with compliments of mismanagement.

Yes, Papa.

Mama, Mama! Hurry with the soups.

If you'd all like to take your places.

You'll find the seats marked.

Yes, I'm three. Here we are.

Ah, good evening, ladies and gentlemens.

Bon appetits. Bon appetits.

Well, it seems we're sitting with you.

Well, that's the luck of the draw.

We haven't been introduced. My name is Blunt. Stanley Blunt.

This is the wife, Evelyn.

Delighted to meet you.

Vic? Vic!

What? How about an introduction?

What are you talking about? You know me.

To Mr and Mrs Blunt.

Who are they? Oh!

How do you do? I'm Vic. Vic Flange.

This is the wife. Don't laugh. Heurghh-heurghh!

Oh! I'm with you.

(NERVOUSLY) That's nice.

I expect it's because we're on our own.

Well, I'm not on my own. I'm with Tuttle.

Oh, I see. No, he's supposed to sit here with us.

Oh, well, there is safety in numbers.

I hope so.

Vino. Ah, excellent. The wine.

"Spanish-type, Australian-French Burgundy. Produce of Hong Kong."

Clumsy.

Beautiful wine for a beautiful lady.

Well, was that supposed to be a compliment?

You'd better taste the wine first.

Ha-ha! Watch it. He'll be pinching your bottom next.

Not for me, thank you. No? Don't drink?

I tried it once and didn't like it.

Oh. Have a smoke?

I tried it once and didn't like it.

Strange. Not at all. My daughter is just the same.

Your only child, I presume. Heurghh-heurghh!

Yeurghh-heurghh! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

(SNORTING)

Oh! Just in the nick of.

(SMOOTHLY) Hello.

Hot soups.

Is good. Better get in quick, before it evaporates.

For what we are about to receive, O Lord, make us truly thankful.

I don't think He could have heard you.

Er...what is this?

Soups. What you are calling Brown Bristols.

No, Windsor. Brown Windsor.

Yes, yes. Is good, no? No, we expected some foreign food.

Foreign? That's foreign. You not thinking we eating this rubbish?

Well, I hope you show more imagination with the main dish.

Ah, that is specialities of the house. Ah.

Sausage, beans and chippings.

Is that all? That's plenties.

But isn't there a choice?

Choice? Of course you having choices.

You can having sausage and chippings,

sausage and beans, or beans and chippings.

That's choices.

Choices!

Not again! Mama, why you not using methylatings, like I am telling you?

Is - no - good!

Is...good!

Standing back. Look. Back.

What's happening?

This is not methylatings. This is vinos.

(BOTH COUGH)

Please excusings. There's slight technical hitchings.

(ALL COUGH)

Oh, for heaven's sake, let's open some windows.

Ow! Oh, I've been bitten.

Mosquitoes. Millions of 'em.

Well, everything is all right now. No?

Who is opening the blooding windows?

Floella! Giorgio! Getting the flick!

What the hell's that?

Five o'clock!

DRILLING

It's five o'clock.

BUZZING

Stanley.

(SNORES) Stanley!

Stanley... Uh?

Do you want something, dear?

(SHOUTS) Will you get out of bed

and do something about that dreadful noise?

BUZZING

My head! It's splitting.

Oh, what a shocking noise!

Can you hear it, too?

Well, I'm not standing for that.

Come on. We might as well get out of bed.

Lily! What? Aaaarghh!

Vic! Vic! Look up there.

HE MOUTHS

Moira! What is it?

Look out!

Oh, really! Haven't they ever seen anyone washing before?

I want a word with you.

Mr Far-ky-arse.

If it's for complimenting on breakfast, it was nothings.

No, you're so right, it was nothings.

No, it's about all this building noise.

It's all right, Mr far-ky-arse.

Work is now stopped till Monday morning.

Oh, well, that's one blessing.

I understandings, Sir. You like a piss.

No, not just at the moment, thank you.

Piss and quiet, no noises.

Oh, yes, yes, exactly.

Ah.

Welcome, sir. Are you two on your own here?

Yeah. Yes. What about it?

You like to meet nice girls in Elsbels?

Yeah, great. Certainly not.

What kind of a person does he think I am, anyway?

I have never had such a night. I am absolutely covered with bites.

What have you been up to, you old devil? Mosquito bites. Look.

Trouble with mosquitoes - no taste. They don't care who they bite.

Well, they're eating better than we are.

I think I'm going up to change now.

In the meantime, Stanley, could you do something about our room?

I was cold in the night, and there was no hot water.

The toilet doesn't flush. That coffee is cold.

Oh, and that sun is too hot.

Apart from that, she's loving it.

Well, I think I'll just go up and grab a bit of fun. Er...sun.

Bring my sun cream when you come.

All right, love.

Do you know, Mrs Flange, you're an extremely handsome woman?

Really?

I might even go so far as to say...desirable.

Fancy. Another roll?

Do you believe in free love? I prefer bacon and eggs. To rolls.

You're not answering my question, Mrs Flange. Not so fattening.

Do you believe in free love? I'm certainly not paying for it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SHRIEKS) Mr Blunt!

I'm sure your wife wouldn't like that.

That's just it. She doesn't.

Yes, well, I think I'll go to my room.

Good idea.

Five minutes?

Yes. Er...no! No, I'll...

I'll see you down here later.

(GROWLS) What are you doing here?

I've just come to have a little talk with you. That's all.

Well, I don't want to waste time talking to you.

Good, cos I've only got a couple of minutes. Oh, no, you don't.

I've got a bone to pick with you, Vic.

Fine. I could do with a nibble.

I had a chat this morning with Bert Conway. What about it?

He said you told him I'd drowned my first husband in a swimming pool.

You told him you'd poisoned your second one.

Well, that was before I knew he was the only available man.

Oh, have a heart. It wasn't my fault my wife decided to come.

Well, I didn't invite her. What did you tell Conway?

The truth. You know perfectly well what my husbands were.

Yes. They were both firemen. Right, and both of them died on the job.

Oh, Sadie... CORA: Vic, are you there?

Oh, cor blimey! Get back inside. Quick.

I...er... I think you dropped something.

Good thing I came along, because she mightn't have noticed.

Cora, Cora, just a minute.

I say, that's interesting, Brother Bernard.

Directions for finding the tomb of St Cecilia,

the founder of our order. (DULLY) Oh, that's nice.

Isn't it? It is believed to lie in the middle of the island,

about five miles north of the port of Elsbels.

If we follow them, I think we might get somewhere.

Do you think we should?

Ah, well, that is what we came for, isn't it?

Is it? I thought we were going to find the tomb of St Cecilia.

That is what I am talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brother Martin. I was thinking of something else.

If we made an early start, perhaps we could have lunch in the village.

You fancy that, Brother Bernard?

Not half.

Well, let's get started, then. Are we going?

Of course. I've just said so. Well, I'll just finish my coffee.

All right. We'll all meet in front of the hotel in ten minutes' time.

Hello. Hello.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yes, beautiful.

Come along, Nicholas. You promised to help do my hair.

Ah, push off.

I see.

Ahem.

Oh, hello.

Morning. I'd just like to apologise to your friend about her skirt.

Oh, forget it. Shhh.

Why don't you get some clothes off and get some sun?

No, I couldn't do that. Are you really a clergyman?

No, I'm a brother. Oh, you mean a monk?

Well, not exactly. It's an order. We do missionary work.

Oh. Saving fallen women, and all that?

Well, that's part of it, I suppose.

How many have you saved? None. I've just joined.

Well, if you want to start on us, you're too late. I know that.

What I mean is, I'm sure you're both capable of looking after yourselves.

We haven't got much option here! Would you do my back for me?

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Ooh, that's smashing!

Brother Bernard!

Oh, that moron!

Good morning, Mrs Blunt. Oh.

Stanley. Yes, my dear?

I'll have my chair over there.

Oh, Bert, you must tell me about your hobby. I just adore old prints.

Really? Mmm. I've got a couple of beauties.

Yes, I noticed that! Oh, saucy!

There we are.

Now, how's that, dear?

No. Too much in the sun.

Oh. Excuse me.

Thank you. There we are.

Is that all right now, dear?

Too much in the shade.

Don't bother to ask me if I'd like a chair! I wasn't going to.

Oh, Cora, come here. Don't be stupid.

Morning, everybody. Ha-ha!

Hang on. Let me give you a hand.

Oh, I can manage, thank you!

Er...may I help you, Mrs Flange?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Blunt.

Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Good morning, everybody. What a lovely day!

That's right. Enjoy the sunshine. Something you can't muck up.

Ah, well, Wundatours especially chose Elsbels for a holiday weekend,

because of its wonderful sunshine record.

THUNDER

(SHRIEKING AND SCREAMING)

It's only a shower. It'll clear up later.

It's probably raining in London.

Don't blame me. It wasn't my fault we couldn't find the wretched tomb.

Perhaps it got buried. Of course it did. It's underground.

Maybe we'll have better luck tomorrow.

If we don't have to look for a toilet for you again.

Well, I couldn't help that. After all, I'm only human.

Sometimes I doubt that very much.

Here, that was underground. Do you suppose it could...

Well, it was just a thought.

Still raining, I'm afraid.

Oh, how I loathe excursions.

Traipsing round filthy foreign markets, sitting in nightclubs.

Yes, well, I mean...you don't have to go if you don't want to, do you?

I shall be quite all right on my own.

Well, what else is there to do? Sit around here, doing crosswords?

Well, it's getting on for seven. Oughtn't you to be...you know?

I am waiting for you to go, so that I can get dressed.

Hello.

I don't know why you encourage that big nit.

Oh, he's nice.

I knew it was a mistake coming here with you. Anything in trousers.

Hark who's talking! Anyway, he's not wearing trousers.

(GIGGLES)

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Not at all, Mr Blunt.

You're the only person I've got anything in common with on the trip.

Well, thank you very much. Very nice of you to say so, Mrs Flange.

(CHUCKLES) Good! Now I've heard everything.

Well, thank goodness it's stopped raining.

Right. Everyone here, Miss Plunkett? Yes, I think so.

What about your wife? Oh, that's all right. She's not coming.

She...she has a headache.

Makes a change from a pain in the neck. Wait for me! Wait for me!

All right, driver. Off we go.

Have they gone? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, lady.

Oh, how dare they? Where is Monsieur Pepe?

Not here. They have gone out for the evening.

What am I going to do? How could Stanley do this to me? How could he?

Er...just a minute, lady, please.

You like? Champagne?

Yeah. Make you feel very good. Very happy.

Oh, no, I never...

Yes. All right. I will. Thank you, Giorgio.

Excuse me, Mr, you like postcards?

Very interesting!

Miss Plunkett, didn't you want a postcard to send to your mother?

Yes. Oh!

Any good? No, I'm afraid they're quite unsuitable.

Ooh, are they naughty ones? Do let me see!

Certainly not! You filthy beast,

be off with you, before I call the police!

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Plunkett.

What can you do with a man like that?

Nothing I can think of...

but I know what you could do with a man like me!

Mr Flange, may I remind you, you have your wife here.

Yep, that's what you can do with a man like me. Haha.

Oh, Bert, you mustn't, it's much too expensive!

Nonsense. Here!

Let me put it on for you.

You've gotta have the matching bracelet, too.

I mustn't! Come on, let me put it on for you.

All right? It's beautiful.

You know, I could buy everything here.

Oh, look at this lovely lace set.

Very nice!

Here, let me put... No thanks!

You've bought me quite enough.

I wonder what this is: Santa Cecilia's Elixir?

Oh, some local quack medicine, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. Is not medicine. Is for l'amoura. Pardon?

Liqueur... for making plenty of passion.

Get away.

Yeah. You try, sir. Is good.

Drink it. Drink it.

Anything happened?

(GROWLS)

Oh, I wonder what that place is there.

The one with the red light outside.

Oh, I...er...I expect that's the local fire station.

But there are girls in there.

Mmm? Oh, I expect they're the fire belles.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Stanley, you're so witty!

CORA: Oh, look. Woo-hoo! Hello!

Come in. It's nice inside.

Come and have some fun. Come on, boys. Come in.

That was a delicious meal, Giorgio. Perfect.

And for a perfectly delicious lady.

(CHUCKLES) Do you know, I'm glad I missed that horrid bus now.

I too am glad.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

May I, please? Well, it's been some time since I...

Yes, please.

Well, here we all are. Everybody enjoying themselves?

No. Oh. Well, how about you? No.

Well, never mind. It's the nightclub soon.

(DRUNKENLY) What have you done with my wife?

Me? I'm afraid I haven't the foggiest idea.

Don't give me that. She's with that twit Blunt, isn't she?

I really don't know, Mr Flange.

Oh, there's Miss Plunkett. Perhaps she'll know.

Miss Plunkett! Coming, Mr Farquhar.

Let's see. How many more are we to come?

I'm not leaving without my wife!

Yes, all right, Mr Flange. All right.

(SHOUTING) Dirty pig! You insult my fine ladies.

We were only playing leapfrog.

Porco! Pig!

Oh, that settles it. Charge!

FARQUHAR: Oh, no, Mr Tuttle!

They'll kill him! We'd better get in there quick.

That's the best idea I've heard today.

Wait for me.

Mr Tuttle's in there.

What's going on? Oh, your husband's in there.

What?! With Mr Conway and Mr Tuttle.

Oh, well, he's coming right out of there.

(MADAME FIFI SHOUTS)

(LAUGHS)

Put him down! Get off, will you?

If you please!

Nicholas! Nicholas, come back. You'll get hurt!

Please, Miss, let him go!

Oh, shove off! Go, rescue somebody else.

Get off him!

No, come away. Listen, dear. Come away.

Oh, dear! Ohh!

WHISTLE SOUNDS

Get off!

(SCREAMS)

Excuse me.

Aaaghh! No! Aaarghh!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Please! Please! One at a time, gentlemen. No?

Please, let me handle this. It doesn't do to antagonise them.

Now, then, to start off with, I feel I should point out

that we are all British subjects.

I know, and you have my deepest sympathy.

Yes, quite. I don't want to make an international incident out of this.

That is most kind of you, sir.

But I must protest most strongly about being detained in this way.

Naturally, sir.

I realise you were only doing what you thought to be your duty,

and provided you release us immediately, I can safely promise

you will hear no more about it.

That is a most kind gesture sir.

I think we can safely make it.

And now I have an appropriate gesture.

Yes?

Damned filth.

How dare you, do you know what you just did?

Well, that is a fine old British gesture, no?

You've tried my patience too far.

I know about you people. Give them a uniform, and they go power-mad.

Well, I'm not going to bandy words with an jumped-up popinjay like you.

I demand to see the Chief of Police.

I am the Chief of Police.

BERT: Go on. You're doing well. Let me try.

Chiefy.

We know we're in a spot of bother, but things can be arranged.

Indeed, sir.

Well, just tell us the charges, and we'll sort something out.

With pleasure, sir.

You are charged with disturbing the peace, damage to property,

and, most important of all, assault upon the girls of Madame Fifi,

thus resulting in a most serious loss of business.

(CHUCKLES) That's ridiculous. You know very well they assaulted us.

Oh, indeed, sir?

Do you doubt our word against that of an old boiler who runs a bro...

er...broken-down boarding house?

Madame Fifi is my sister.

Pass. Next, please.

Let me have a go. Oh, don't be ridiculous. What can you do?

Well, at least I can be a little co-operative.

Excuse me. Could I have a word with you?

Oh, but of course. Please go ahead.

It's rather personal. Is there somewhere a little more private?

Mmm, with pleasure.

This way, please.

12:30. She's been gone for three hours.

Well, what could they do to her?

Oh, you don't know these foreign police.

I knew a girl once. They got her in there and shaved all her hair off.

Well, I'm sure she's not having it off... Or am I?

With the compliments of the Chief of Police.

Hey, what a feast!

We're not getting out, though. Who wants to now?

Miss Plunkett! Are you all right?

Why, yes. I think so, Mr Farquhar.

You swine! What have you been doing to her? Don't tell him.

Do not worry, Mr Farquhar. I wish to tell you that you are free to go.

Don't you dare threaten me. I'll... Free to...? Oh.

If you are prepared to pay for the damages,

then I am not going to bring any charges.

Just when I was enjoying myself.

Welcoming back, ladies and gentlemens.

Tonight I am making for you great ravings-up,

for cheerings-up and raising the low spirits!

No?

Erm...have you seen my wife anywhere?

No, sirs.

Giorgio, you seeing Mrs Blunt?

Not since this morning.

Well, is our room key there?

Oh, no, sir. Is gone.

Giorgio, did you give it to her?

Not half, Papa.

(HUMS A ROMANTIC TUNE)

(CHUCKLES)

"Liquera por l'amoura." Let's have a go.

(BELCHES AND SPLUTTERS)

Oh, there you are, Stanley.

All right, all right! I'll do all the talking.

It was all my fault. I told them to leave without you last night,

and what's more, I'm damn glad that I did it.

Oh, so am I, dear. Have some champagne.

I don't care about... Champagne? It's wonderful stuff, Stanley.

What are you talking about? Didn't you hear what I said?

It was all my fault that you were left behind.

All right, dear. I forgive you.

I don't want to be forgiven. Then what do you want, dear?

I want to bloody well assert my manhood!

Oh, splendid, Stanley.

All right, then.

What is it, dear?

I've forgotten what you do.

I'm furious. Absolutely beside myself.

Yeah. Best place for you.

Look, I'm warning you, Nicholas.

If you take that little strumpet to the party, I shall...

I shall take my ankle bracelet back. Besides, you've never worn it.

Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.

For the last time, Bert Conway, will you please get out of my room?

What's wrong? Why won't you come to the party with me?

Because you only want one thing from me.

That's not true. I'm quite happy to have the lot.

Don't you understand? I don't want just a quick roll in the hay.

I need something that's going to last.

Who says it's not going to last? We don't go home till tomorrow.

Get out! Get out!

Get out! No, no...

Don't you dare come back! No, I was just...

Can I believe my ears?

You see nothing wrong or sinful in taking this girl to the party?

Well, I don't know if it's going to be sinful until I try.

Isn't it enough you got into a fight over her?

You spent the night in prison. Oh, I want far more than that. What?!

Er...I mean...I...

I like her well enough to...get married.

Brother Bernard...

aren't you forgetting?

You are promised to our order.

You are going to be wedded to St Cecilia.

From what I saw of her in the tomb I don't think she'd make a good wife.

Carnival Night! Champagne punches.

Now he's the Richard Burton of Elsbels!

Listen, Floella, Mamas. I only trying to send them home happilies.

We wanting them to remember this holidays.

Oh, they'll remember it, all right.

The only hotel with a night in prison thrown in!

Is not my fault!

So, getting on with the work, and shutting cakes' holes.

Good evening. (DULLY) How do you do?

Well, well, the fun's really started, eh?

Oh. Ah, this is splendid, isn't it?

Oh, Monsieur Pepe has really surpassed himself with this buffet.

Yeah. Pity none of it's eatable.

Oh, I don't know... Come, come. It's really quite good.

Moira, dear, a lot depends on the report they give when they get back.

For goodness' sake, do something to brighten it up.

Whoopee.

Oh, food. I could do with some, after all that romping about.

Vic, I think I'd like a roll. Great. Let's go upstairs.

I mean a sausage roll. Oh! Heurghh-heurghh!

Ladies and gentlemens, champagne punchings!

Ho-ho! Helping selves.

Well, thank you, Monsieur Pepe. What a splendid idea.

I'll get them. You finish your sandwich.

Personally, I've always found Scotland very exciting.

The swirl of the kilt, the sporran.

Like to try the punch, love?

Oh, might as well, I suppose. That's my girl.

Is it any good? I bleedin' hope so, mate.

Oooh!

Hello, Mr Tuttle. How lovely to see you again.

It's nice to see so much of you, Mrs Tomkins. May I call you Sadie?

So...

Would you care for a glass of punch? Oh, I'd love some.

I'll get it. Oh, thank you.

Ah, good evening, gentlemens.

Please, having good times, and letting hairs down.

Maybe a little champagne punchings, yes?

Oh, could we, Brother Martin, as it's our last night?

Oh, well, perhaps it won't do any harm. But only one, mind.

Thank you.

At least it might help to wash down that wretched food.

Get stuffings.

Sorry I'm late, love. It's all right.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Manners! Manners yourself.

Thank you, Brother Paul.

All gone!

Don't tell me they enjoy the party.

Enjoying it? It's going like bombs!

All right?

Hey! More champers! Good old Pepe.

Or is it Mario? Ha-ha-ha!

Is good punchings, yes? Splendid. Splendid.

And while we're on the subject of quality, I want you to know, Pepe,

that this is without doubt the crummiest hotel I've ever stayed in.

(GROANS)

Pepe! Pepe!

Pepe, come quick!

What's the mattering now? She sounds distressed.

She's probably tried some of her own cooking!

Is eating like a pig! Ha-ha!

All right, all right! Is coming.

(LAUGHING) She's tried her own cooking!

Ha-ha! What's the mattering? Mices? Look!

Santa Cecilia!

I say! You seem to have sprung a leak.

I knew it was mistake to build on dry riverbeds.

No wonder company getting land so cheap.

Don't just stand there! Do somethings.

What can I doing?

Plug it! Oh, plug it.

Oh, I say, I say! Watch the language.

I make like little boy in Hollands. I sticking thing in.

Oh! He'll need an awfully large thing!

That's it! I've done it.

I'm sure the little Dutch boy didn't do it like that!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, Monsieur Pepe, you're wetting your trousers!

Wouldn't you in the same situations?

Oh, come on, Stuart. We're missing all the fun.

Oh, yes. Excuse us, Monsieur Pepe.

I'm sure we can rely on you to keep your end up! Ah-ha-ha!

# Folderol, folderol... #

SINGING STOPS

Hooray! Here.

Now give us Twas On The Good Ship Venus!

I'm sorry, but I don't know the music.

Oh, our lovely hostess.

A drink for our hostess. I don't want drink, thank you.

Nonsense. You must have a drink.

Everybody must have a drink with Floella.

(LAUGHS)

Phew, it's hot.

Would you like to go onto the terrace for some air?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

Ah, come on.

Stopping the music! Stopping the musics!

Helpings, not dancing. Helpings.

Please, helping, someone.

What? Doh.

Giorgio! Giorgio, help. The water is getting underneath the...

Please! We were talking. Sorries.

Now, where was I? About your 'amsters.

Oh, yes, 'amsters. No! Hamsters.

You'd never believe it, but...11 times in one night!

Is unbelievable!

Oh, yes, it is. But you see, they're always escaping.

I say, if I were to tell you...

Please, Mr Conways. I am worried about the foundations.

Oh, that's all right. She's not wearing any.

No, no, in case they are falling out.

Oh, don't you worry, son. If they do, I'll stuff 'em back in!

Why is nobody listening?

Mr Blunts, you look like a man who is ready to do somethings.

Funny you should say that. I was just telling the wife!

Oh, Stanley! He's trying to get me upstairs, Monsieur Pepe.

No, no, I show you. On the kitchen floor.

I say, steady on, old chap. Remember: we're British.

I don't know, though. Cwoarghh!

Ohhh! Cwoarghh?!

Oh! Please, Mr Flange, you coming with me.

Where to? We're having a leak.

I don't want one. No, we're having one below. I show it to you.

He doesn't want to see it. You're mad! Crazy.

I always knew he was a flash type.

Ah, Mr Far-key-arse. Ah, Mr Pepe. Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm having a smashing time. I'm having a ball!

Oh, I'm not doing so badly myself!

I think you should be going up the stairs.

Don't be disgusting. Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Oh, I'm not standing any more! All you English thinking about is sex.

Oh, nonsense. What's that? Excusings.

These foreigners! They're so damned excitable.

They're mad.

How about it? Shall we go upstairs? Why not?

(LAUGHS)

Helps!

You mads!

Good night, old boy. Good night. Goodbyes.

He's drunk again!

Well, now, Monsieur Pepe. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, Mr Tuttles, thank you very much. Thank you. Help!

How about it, love? Want a nightcap?

No, thanks. I couldn't take another drop.

Right. Let's go upstairs.

I say, old chap. Do you need any help?

Help? Why should I need helpings? I'm having funs. Ha-ha-ha!

I say, Stanley. There's a hole.

So there is. That's bad, isn't it?

No, no, not to worrying. It's mices. We having very big mices here.

I think we'd better go to bed. That's a rather good idea.

Monsieur Pepe, I may have to complain about this.

They didn't tell us that you had mices.

Yes. You complaining about the mices and the whole hotel is falling down!

Can we go up now, Bert? It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem to be breaking up, anyway.

Ha-ha-ha!

Open the windows, love, and let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good idea. Won't be long.

I forgot!

Ha-ha-ha!

Aaaah-ha-ha-ha!

They've put the bloody glass in! Aaaah-ha-ha-ha!

It's going to be a bit of a tight squeeze!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Room for one on top, eh?

Standing room only!

Oh, God! I give up.

No, you're not getting off the hook that easily!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, it's all right, Bert. You can come in.

What's going on out there?

Bert? Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders!

(WHINNIES)

(COUGHS)

That does it! Everybody out! Everyone out! Abandoning hotel.

Evacuating. Everybody leaving.

Abandon the hotel! Leaving!

Out! Out! Out!

FARQUHAR: I don't know where we are! I can't see where we are.

Cor! Get off.

How do you do? Hello, Harry. Usual?

Yes, please. I know what I meant to ask: How did the holiday go?

Oh, great. Went with a bang. Had a smashing time, didn't we, love?

Yes, I can honestly say I've never had one quite like it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

What...what's the joke, then? Private.

Oh, hey, private! Cheers.

Aaaarghh!

Could I have another one, please?

Ha-ha! Well, here we are, then!

Come on in.

Hello, my darling. Hello. Isn't he here, Vic?

Of course he is. I promised to look after him.

Stu! Somebody to see you. Oh, you!

Moira!

Right, well, what's it to be, then? I tell you what: champagne.

And put a drop of this in it, will you? Oh, what a wonderful idea!

Oh, no! Lock all the doors. Time, gentlemen, please!

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