Original subtitles

Did you get her?

Him.

Only males have antlers.

Did you get him?

We can always burn it down.

I'm not ready to leave yet.

He has to be gone.

He's eating all my bougainvillea.

You can start the breakfast now.

- Hi. - Hi.

We left the money on the kitchen counter.

Great, okay.

If you ever wanna get rid of the polar bear...

- ...let us know. - Yeah, sure.

Lani!

Lani.

- Who is it? - Your brother.

- Jesus Christ. - Turn your eyes away.

This is not for you.

Are you coming, or just him?

Would you kindly fuck off?

Come on, finish up.

Finish him up, wrap it up.

Did you brush your teeth?

How long's that been going on?

What?

- Okay, okay. - Ooh, oh.

You hired him.

Is he your boyfriend now?

Fiance, actually.

Yes, we're very much in love.

- Oh.

Does Judy know?

- He's the house painter.

- So?

- So.

Don't be dumb.

- Woo-woo!

Stiff competition.

d You, you're all I see

- Hi, Hallie.

- Hey, Tod.

- Hey.

Um, I'll text you when we're done, okay?

- Good luck.

d Anywhere but here with you

d Dreaming

- Terrible.

No, don't go to that side, why...

- Hey-oh.

- Hey.

- Almost done.

- So is she.

- I think I found a buyer.

Judy asked me to find you a buyer.

- Can't you see I'm trying to watch?

- It's on mute.

- Is that what it is?

I thought maybe I was going deaf.

Chip?

Go to camera two.

Great show, Barb.

Loved every minute.

- Why do you think our ratings are such shit?

Do you ever look through that camera?

Huh?

Oh, you think that's funny?

You think it's, get out!

Joke's on you, babe.

Get out.

Out, out, now!

Take a walk.

All right, say what you wanna say.

Please, be my guest.

Say what you wanna say.

Speak!

- Hi, Judy.

- What a day. - It looked intense.

- Oh, it's a disaster.

Fucking disaster.

I'm just not me anymore.

Did you watch?

- No, uh, I missed it.

I got stuck at the mechanic.

The car is worse off than we thought.

- Ooh, great.

What about Lani?

Did she see it?

- Uh, I, I don't know.

You'll have to ask the painter.

- Meaning what?

- Use your imagination, lucky slip.

- So she's fucking him.

You caught them, didn't you?

Tell me what you saw.

I wanna know what you actually saw.

- Nothing.

- Fine, then I'll ask her myself.

- Oh, please don't.

She won't trust me.

- Well, she's not trustworthy.

Fucking the help.

He's a criminal, I might add.

- Oh, they picked up the zebra.

I put the money in the lockbox.

- Poor animal, stuck in the corner for 30 years.

Coming up on the left

is the infamous Bridgehead Mansion,

former home of the late legendary director,

Igor O'Coolich.

You may remember Stone Henge

from a cinema appreciation class, if you had one.

Oh folks, through the gate is

looks like actress, Judy Mormon,

Igor's widow, who was wife number three.

She still lives here with his two grandchildren.

I think that looks like Tod at the wheel there,

in the driver's seat.

What a funny name, Tod.

Hey, expect the unexpected here on Buddy Fun Bus Tours,

am I right?

I told you it'd be an adventure.

- And that was it.

I mean, you can't really call that an audition, can you?

- Did Hallie scream?

Can we hear that?

- And then they actually did make us sign up

in our underwear.

- Were you wearing any?

- Yes.

Why wouldn't I be?

- Hallie?

- You take your clothes off for the director

and the director only,

never for these casting directors.

To be successful in this business,

a girl must always have her standards.

What about you, Hallie?

Are you the same?

Strip down for any felon that stumbles in your way?

- Uh, no.

No, I went out for a different part.

- Ahh, excellent.

Keep 'em guessing.

Mystery is an actor's only friend.

You're not eating.

Why not?

Your sister's not eating.

- She had a late lunch.

Liquid diet, right?

Okay, I have a speech or toast, whatever.

To Judy.

- Oh!

- After a long week, she still...

- Oh, look who it is.

Come here, please.

Aw, Jacob, are you working hard?

Or getting hard, I should say.

Isn't that what happens

when the old lady isn't around?

Pull down your pants.

I'm serious.

Pull them down.

I wanna see what I'm missing.

Okay, then.

I'm sorry, Jacob, but if you're not willing

to share the wealth,

unfortunately I cannot pay you.

- Why can't you pay him?

- Because that's how it works.

- But he did the work all week long.

- On you, not my house.

- What?

- Your big fucking mouth, that's what.

- I figured it out.

- No, you didn't, that's bullshit.

- That's enough.

Now, Jacob.

Jacob, hello.

You listening to me?

I'm all for rehabilitation but I will not

be taken advantage of.

- He stole a car.

- A couple.

- Jesus Christ.

- Tomorrow, when you arrive,

I'll let you know if you should continue.

- You can't be serious. - I am.

- But that's not fair.

- Ooh, Lani, I'm sorry.

He's being paid for a service,

not to waste time pleasing you.

- Fortune cookie?

You will always be successful

in your professional career.

Ooh, you will inherit some money

or a small piece of land.

What about you.

Huh.

- I should go.

- Hm.

- Psst.

She's vigorous, isn't she?

You're still here.

What are you doing?

- Waiting for my lift.

- Lani didn't offer to take you?

She still pissed?

- You know, your sister's a pretty good actress

when she wants to be.

- Don't you think she likes him?

- I don't think she cares one way or another.

I should shut up.

- No, don't.

I won't say a word.

I actually agree.

I can give you a ride, if you prefer.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- Thanks.

- They're definitely replacing Judy.

- So they are.

- Yeah, now it's official.

They're comin' into town on Sunday.

- Who?

- The guys from headquarters.

They're gonna take us out to dinner,

make some big announcement.

- Big annou...

Well, does Judy know?

- No.

- Do they know who's gonna replace her?

- They have some ideas, but nothing's set.

- Well, is it up to you?

- I have a say.

Some recommendations I could make.

- You ever think about implants?

Did Jacob show up today?

- Yes, he was here.

- There's lots of other ways

we could be spending that money.

- I, for one, think we're spending it the best way.

On paint.

We have to sell this place, don't we?

Anyway, I could use a change of scenery.

- Oh, please, as if.

I mean, that was almost believable.

That acting class is really paying off.

How'd you sleep?

- Ugh, tossed and turned.

- You decide about Jacob?

- Yeah, he can stay.

I want you to watch Lani.

Keep a good eye on her,

better than you've been doing before, okay?

Do you hear what I'm saying?

- Yeah, I hear you.

- I want you to watch her.

I can't watch her when I'm at work.

Can't be in two places at one time.

You're the only one I trust.

- Excuse me. - Get out, we gotta go.

Judy's really sick.

- What do you mean, she's sick?

- She won't leave her room. - Why?

- Because she's sick, says she doesn't wanna go.

- Go where? - I'll tell you in the car.

I'll tell you everything you need to know.

We gotta go.

Can you just get out, please?

- Are you gonna tell me where we're going?

- You're doing the show. - What?

- Judy wants you to do the show.

- She picked this?

- It's what she wants.

- It's one of my favorite ones.

- You're gonna be fine.

You've been watching her for years.

- I feel like she just wants me to be embarrassed.

- No, she wants you to be great, okay?

She asked for you specifically.

That's no joke.

Just be yourself, okay?

- Where's Judy? - She's sick.

- What, what do you mean, she's sick?

- She's sick.

She wants Lani to take over, just for today.

- What?

- Hey, can you go straight to hair?

- Wait, no! - No, go, go, go, go.

- What are you doing?

- She's sick.

Okay, she's not sick.

She's scared if she loses the show,

her career's over.

- Probably is.

- She's scared she won't be able to support us.

- So get jobs.

Because it's happening, she's losing it.

- Well, not if Lani's the one taking over, am I right?

- So that's what this is about?

- Look, she just asks that you give her one chance, okay?

- On a rehearsal, maybe, or a dry run

but not the actual broadcast, for fuck's sake!

- Look, okay, okay.

If she bombs today, fine, whatever,

just move on and blame Judy.

But if she's good, and she will be good,

I promise you she will be good,

then you take the credit and everybody wins.

- It's a live show, Todd.

- But is anybody watching?

Right, yeah, thought that was the whole point.

Hey, she might surprise you.

- She's not even fucking wearing shoes.

- Hey, she's gonna be great.

I tried calling you.

- I have my phone right here. - Well, you didn't answer it.

No, no, no, no, come on.

No makeup.

She's beautiful.

She's my sister, and today's her day.

Without the makeup you're telling the audience,

this is me, this is the truth.

Okay?

If you look right down the barrel of the lens,

right into their eye

and tell them they need to have it,

they'll pick up the phone and call.

- Nice speech, Tod.

I'm impressed.

Leave it off.

Let's go.

- Good luck.

- Okay, this is her first day.

We're just gonna give this a try.

I want you to be wide for the whole thing

unless you're coming in to focus on the gloves.

- You sure about that?

Won't shooting it all in the wide

suggest a lack of confidence in your host?

- That's exactly what it'll suggest

but it'll also hide her mistakes.

- I'd try the opposite.

- I don't fucking care what you would do, all right?

If there's anything else, tell me now.

Anything else?

- No.

No.

- All right.

If you want, just,

you can stay on the gloves the whole time.

- And what we have here

are 100% authentic calf leather gloves from Italy.

They come with a lifetime warranty.

Not only will we send you two pairs,

but you will also get a wooden box

to keep them in to protect them from the sun.

So remarkably soft, my goodness.

You'll never want your man to take them off.

Can't you just see him riding around in his Ducati?

Vroom, vroom.

And ladies, if you order now

for the next three minutes we'll send you two pairs,

so why not get yourself one?

We are offering them to you

from the comfort of your own home,

so that you don't have to make the trip.

They are all leather, Italian, handmade sewn.

My dear friend, Bobby, brought these back from Rome

and I just had to bring them to show to you guys

back in your own homes.

You, too, can feel like you're riding

your own Ducati through the tiny streets of Italy.

Aren't they lovely?

They come in such colors as ox, blood,

chocolate, oh, and this is really my favorite.

Look at how lovely they are.

- Did you cut yourself?

Lots of blood.

- See something you like?

- I need to close the windows.

It's easier to scrape.

- Sure.

Yeah, all you gotta do is ask.

- Jake.

Jacob.

Hey!

I need you to take a break.

- What?

- Yeah, I need you to go get Lani.

- Why?

- Well, that's what boyfriends do.

They pick up their girlfriends in exchange for head.

- I think your Rolls is blocking me in.

- Take it.

I'll get you the keys.

- Hello.

Come on, anybody home?

- Hello?

- Hey, yeah. - Can I help you?

- Uh, yeah.

I got a delivery for Jake.

- He's not-- - No, uh.

Hey, sorry, man, I can't see you.

You still there?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm down here.

How much is it?

It's, uh, $15.30.

- Great, okay, hold on.

Oh.

Okay.

Here, that's it, that's a $20.

Can you leave that in my van,

on top of one of the, the paint cans?

- A'ight.

A'ight dude, thanks.

- How was it?

How'd you go?

- Ask Barb.

- Why?

What, what did she say?

- Here.

- Thanks.

Oh, your lunch is in the van.

- No, don't, I took care of it.

- Hello? - We have to meet.

- It'll take more than looking good, Tod.

The few calls that did come in

basically stopped after the first half hour.

- We actually liked what she did.

- Who's we?

- Me and Judy.

She wants to give her another shot.

- Look, it doesn't matter, I need to talk to her.

Is she there?

Put her on.

- I'll bring her to dinner. - Fine.

Tonight at the Tavern, eight o'clock.

Hello?

- Lani.

Judy's giving you the show.

She wants you to take over.

- Well, according to Barb,

the collars didn't like me.

- So, make them like you. - How?

- I don't know, act.

Isn't that what you do?

Barb wants to meet us at the Tavern at 8:00.

You'll discuss tomorrow's show

and then I'll come and meet you.

Here.

- You know that pussy's old enough

to be your mother's right?

- Hm.

I think we should drink champagne more often.

Hello?

- I said eight o'clock.

- Yeah, I, I'm on my way.

- Your sister's here.

I didn't know she was coming.

- I'm leaving now, okay?

I'm on my way.

- And Judy?

Hello?

- What'd he say?

- He's on his way.

- What are you doing here? - Lani called me.

- She left.

- What's in the bag?

- Nothing, just some laundry.

- Can you tell her I called?

- Maybe.

Hi.

- Where's Judy?

- Uh, she can't make it.

Can you move over? - No, she goes.

- Okay.

- Have fun.

- What is it with you two?

- How do you mean?

- Entitlement.

- Did you eat?

- Fuck you.

You're a child, making me sit here

with your sister all night.

- Well, you could've left.

Why didn't you leave?

Hm?

Why didn't you leave, Barb?

- 'Cause I was waiting for you.

Look, I appreciate what you're doing

or trying to do.

It's not your fault that Judy won't let go.

It's not your sister's fault either,

but to force me...

- That was beautiful.

- Oh my God, you're such a dickhead.

- No, Barbie, come, come on.

What are you doing?

Hey.

Come on.

- Okay. - You wanna buy me a drink?

- Uh.

Okay.

I know people here, so.

- Okay.

Up on the left

is the infamous Bridgehead Mansion,

former home of the late legendary director,

Igor O'Coolich.

I'm gonna let you guys in

on a little Buddy Fun Bus Tour secret.

The property is apparently on the market

so if you've got, oh, look at this.

It looks like his grandson, Tod, pulling in.

What a treat.

Up next, where George Clooney takes his dry cleaning.

You guys ready to see that?

- Here, let me give you some light.

- She's not responding.

- That's because she's asleep.

See?

She took some pills.

What, what, hey.

Come on, stop.

You look upset.

She's fine, man.

Really.

She just,

she had a rough night.

Know what that's like?

Have some pills, get knocked out.

What were you doing in here, anyway?

- Can't paint the windows if they're closed.

- Oh, well just say the word

and we'll get them open.

- Well, I tried to knock but nobody answered.

- Hey, check this out.

Right?

How sweet is that?

- You threw me a gun?

- It's an antique.

My grandpa brought it over from Russia.

- And why, why would you do that?

- Ever since he died,

she keeps it beside her bed.

I don't know, I guess it makes her feel safe.

- No, why would you throw me a gun?

I mean, it could've been,

it could be loaded.

- Shit, it could be loaded!

No one's loaded it in years.

- How do you know?

- 'Cause I know Judy.

It's just for show.

Shh.

You're lucky she likes her pills.

Going in her room like that, uninvited.

Don't let her catch you doing that again.

- 911, what is your emergency?

Hello?

Are you there?

How can I help you?

Hello?

- Come on in.

- Hey!

- That kick really hurt.

- It's your fault for pulling me in.

- Tell that to my kids

when they come out with two heads.

- Who are you having kids with?

- You.

- I'm serious, it's on my vision board.

- Your what?

What's a vision board?

What is it?

- It's all the things I hope come true.

Stuff I want this year.

- Have any?

- Some.

This is grandpa and me.

And, uh, see?

- What, that's us? - It could be.

We just need to tape our faces over theirs.

- Tod!

Tod, it went great.

People actually called in today.

- Well, that, that's great! - I know!

- It is great.

The guys just called.

They want you to come to dinner.

You too, Tod.

- Why me?

- To thank you for being so helpful.

Who's this?

- Hallie, this is Barb.

She produces Judy's show.

- Pool warm?

- Uh, yeah.

- Well, I guess we now know

why Lani needed a ride home.

Where's Judy?

- The cops are here.

- For you?

I was just kidding.

What are the cops here for?

What the fu...

Can I help you?

- Is everything okay here, sir?

- Yeah, I think so, why?

- A 911 call.

- I'm sorry.

My, uh, my grandmother's an actress.

As you can imagine, she can be very dramatic.

She does things like this to make us worry.

- And is she here?

- Well, that's my point.

She probably made the call and left.

She must've left when I was in the pool.

The painter might have seen her.

He's got all the best views.

Hey, Jake.

Did you see Judy leave?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- Does she have a cell phone?

- Uh, yeah, she does.

It's me, usually.

I handle all her personal affairs.

- Whenever she gets back, she should call us

so we can mark it as a false alarm.

- Yeah, of course, of course.

Oh, and hey, sorry, I'm so sorry for wasting your time.

- No problem.

- And drive safe.

- Where'd she go? - How should I know?

- She doesn't tell you when she's leaving?

- Yeah, usually she has to.

I'm the one that takes her.

I, I don't know.

I guess she, I guess she took a cab.

- Well, we need to find her.

- Maybe she doesn't wanna be found.

- Tod, she has to be at that dinner.

- Well, I bet that's exactly why she left.

Listen, we were just about to eat.

You wanna join us?

I made sandwiches.

- No.

Enjoy your sandwich.

- What?

I wasn't trying to be mean.

It looks like she doesn't even care.

- I don't believe that.

- This is Judy's life,

and all she thinks about is that show.

- I just think she still likes you.

- Come to dinner.

Be my date.

Um, I'm so sorry.

Judy sends her regards.

She couldn't make it.

- Lucky you.

We certainly underestimated the intelligence

of our audience.

- Who knew that they'd appreciate

a hot girl in a vintage dress.

- Instead of a vintage actress.

- Well, we like what we see,

so what we want you to keep doin' it.

- Yeah.

Today's call center numbers

were the best we had in months.

- Yeah.

Which is not saying much,

considering they've been in the toilet.

- Well, key word there being been.

- All I can say is, what if today was a fluke?

I mean-- - Actually, um...

- What? - No, never mind.

Go ahead.

- Spit it out.

- Well, it's just a thought.

- And we like thoughts.

So does Barb.

Especially when they're good ones.

- Well, I think we should be confident

about the fact that this is the start

of something epic and new.

- And it could be. - No, it is.

- That's the kind of attitude we need

with the.

- And shouldn't Lani have a say in what she wears?

Still from Judy's closet, but picked out

by the host herself.

- Tod.

I'm sitting right here.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

- Um...

Sorry.

Uh, I'm gonna use the restroom.

Excuse me.

Hello?

No, no, I can't...

I'm sorry, that was fucking, that was bullshit.

She can't do...

I'm not a fucking child!

Like, no, I'm not coming back.

Can you just, can you call,

call Jacob to give you a ride or something?

Fuck.

Oh!

- What are you doing?

- I was looking for the cat.

He, uh, he got out when I left.

Let me get changed.

I'll give you a ride.

- Actually, Tod...

- What's up?

- Your hand on my leg.

You wanted her to see.

- So what if I did?

- I thought you didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

- Maybe now I do.

- Well, I don't like being used.

- I won't use you.

No being used, no drama.

How about I help you instead?

- Help me how?

- Why do you always have to perv on my friends?

- Nice choice.

- Yeah, I think so, too.

I mean, you picked it out--

- Fuck! - What?

- Gardener.

Hi.

You're early.

- Lost some clients.

Uh, is that a problem?

- Uh, not really.

It's just, I have to go.

- Well, that's all right.

- No, it's, it's not.

- So then, what?

You want me to come back?

- Is that all right?

- Do I have a choice, senor?

- I guess not, if you don't wanna lose another client.

- No problem, senor.

- I have to stay. - What, why?

What happened?

- Until Jacob's done, the garden can be left alone, okay?

So can you, you can take the car.

Can you drop Hallie off?

And, um, have a great show--

- Yeah, but you're being very weird.

- I'm not being weird.

Are you nervous?

Don't be nervous.

Hey, you're gonna be great.

Break a leg, all right?

- Okay. - Okay, hurry up.

Don't be late.

- Hey, you took my van.

- Do you mind?

I had to be somewhere.

- You should ask.

- I tried, but your headphones.

- How'd you know where to find the keys?

- Kind of obvious, don't you think?

- No, I don't.

- Well, I'm back now.

If you've got a problem,

you're welcome to take it up with Judy.

- I found this under her bed.

I thought you said it was never loaded.

- I guess I was wrong.

No, keep it.

- What's with the gloves?

- Oh, I like 'em.

Feel like I'm James Hunt.

Do you know James Hunt?

He was very famous.

No, probably not.

Probably too classy for you.

- When's she coming back? - Who?

- Judy.

I fucking quit.

- You quit?

Who fucking quits?

David.

- Hiya, Tod.

Good to see you. - Yeah.

- Listen, here's the money.

Do me a favor.

We're gonna be switching routes next week

so if you could make the drive up, like, 30 minutes later.

- Mm-hm. - That would be great.

And listen, hey, if Judy's in the car,

hey, if Judy's in the car

double the money next time.

- Sure.

- Brat.

Them people, I tell ya.

- Detective Rowan.

- Hi.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Come, come right in.

This way. - Okay.

- What happened to your face?

- It was Jake.

I don't know why.

- You must've done something to upset him.

- Has he ever hit you?

- No.

He barely even talks.

- He talks to me.

- Only because you hired him.

Other than that, he thinks you're pretty strange.

- I'm not strange.

- Yes, you are.

You threw him a gun.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Judy's gun.

You threw it at him and told him to catch.

- Who the fuck plays catch with a gun?

- You're so full of shit.

- What the fuck?

How does he even know

that gun exists? - Tod, Tod.

- Is he going through Judy's stuff?

- Don't.

- Barbara.

Barb.

Barbara.

I need to talk to you.

- So talk.

- Can we go somewhere,

can we go somewhere private?

- What happened to your face?

Somebody get to you before me?

Tod.

- Something's wrong.

Something's,

something's wrong.

I don't know, I...

- What?

What happened?

Tod.

- Can I come home with you please?

Can I?

I don't, I just don't know what's happened.

- Okay, okay.

- I just, I need,

I just need to talk to someone.

Gah.

- Let's go.

- How did you do it?

- What do you mean?

- Spill the beans, Tod.

- Is it loaded?

- Thought I had all your little schemes figured out.

His sperm was inside of her, Lani.

So she was fucking him.

Use your imagination.

Still, you should've told me.

Mystery is an actor's only friend.

Let's go get that deer.

What do you think?

You look good.

Come on, let's go.

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