Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[mysterious music]

[static crackle]

[static crackles]

[static crackles]

[static crackle]

[static crackle]

[Barry] It feels like a dream.

It feels like a nightmare.

I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

It... [exhales sharply]

I'm fucking panicking. I'm panicking.

- I'm panicking. - [Ian] Mate?

- [Barry] I'm really panicking. - [Ian] Barry, just stop.

Just stop for a second, mate.

Just stop. Stop where you are for a second.

[Barry] I'm really fucking scared, man.

I'm really fucking scared.

- [Ian] It's alright. - [Barry] I've got to stop.

Sorry, I've got to stop.

I'm really, really scared.

[Ian] It's all right. Hold it together.

[Barry crying] Sorry.

Can I just get out?

Sorry, can someone just get me out of here, please?

[sobbing]

[Barry sniveling, breathing heavily]

[static crackle]

[Barry sniveling]

[Barry] Oh, God. I'm gonna be fine.

[door opens]

- [door slams] - [static crackle]

[Barry snivels] Fuck!

[snivels, breathes heavily]

[static crackles]

[Barry snivels]

[Barry cries] Fucking hell!

[sniffling]

[Barry cries] Fuck!

[snivels, breathing heavily]

- [Ian] Barry? - [Barry] Yeah?

[Ian] Are you up or down?

- [Barry snivels] Down. - [Ian] Okay.

[door opens]

[Ian] Just got to ask ya.

Go straight.

Are you cool with me carrying on filming,

or do you want us to cut?

[Barry] I'm fine. I'm fine.

[Ian] Ideally we wanna carry on,

- but I don't want to... - [Barry] I'm carrying on.

Think I'm just having a panic attack.

- [Ian] That's all right. - [Barry] I'm just panicking.

- I was panicking too much. - [Ian] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Mind that step behind you. - [cameraman] Camera two?

[Ian] It's okay, ignore them. Just totally ignore them.

[Barry] Sorry. Sorry.

[Ian] No, no, no. It's fine, it's fine.

[Barry snivels] That dark...

is the most frightening thing

I've ever seen in my entire life.

- [static crackle] - [haunting music]

- [static crackles] - [eerie music]

ENJOY ALL VOD IN HIGH QUALITY @ 4KVOD.TV GET LIVE TV,MOVIES,SHOWS IN ONE PACKAGE

Hello, and welcome to the ParaPod podcast

where we argue about the existence

of ghosts and ghouls.

Sceptic versus believer.

I'm Ian Boldsworth,

I'm the sceptic side of the argument,

or the correct side of the argument.

And I'm Barry Dodds.

- Which is the other side. - [chuckles]

So, we're just back from a road trip...

- We are. - ...where you've been taking me

to all the haunted places...

Yep.

...in an attempt to convince me of the existence of ghosts.

Barry Dodds did that.

Barry Dodds who believes anything

without question.

- Not anything. - Ghosts?

Goblins?

Dracula? [chuckles]

- I don't believe in Dracula. - Bet you do. [laughs]

- I don't. - I bet you do.

Do you not believe in anything?

- Anything? - Anything.

Anything at all? [chuckles]

No, paranormal. Ghosts.

I see. No.

Well, why not?

Because there's not a shred of evidence for it.

- No, there's loads. - Of bollocks, online.

- I know that. - [chuckles] Not just online.

- Real places. - It's all nonsense, mate.

Only a gullible idiot would believe it.

Mentioning no names. [chuckles]

Well, people can make their own minds up, I think.

I mean, you know what happened, so...

I do, yeah. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I think, at this junction, we should credit me

with bringing a third wheel into this organization,

or a fantastic four wheels.

Never forget the car's the star.

[static crackle]

[seagulls call]

I wanted to go to a proper dealership

and get a proper car that looks smart and impressive

and spend a bit of money on it,

and he said that he's gonna be taking care of it.

But we'll see. As long as it's comfy,

as long as it's got wheels and moves.

And isn't on fire. And is legal on the road.

Even then, I'm not 100% sure that I should trust...

[energetic music]

Hello, mate.

[Barry] The fuck is this?

That is brilliant.

- That is brilliant. - I know people around here.

And not like Scarface, but, I mean...

[Ian laughing]

- And what will they say? - I've got family here.

- But I'm... - [Ian shouts] Excuse me?

What do you think of that?

Is that brilliant, or not?

[woman] Yes.

[Ian] Okay. Are you from here?

No, Sheffield.

[Ian] All right, you don't count. Thank you.

We're not just pissing off the locals,

we're pissing off the fucking tourists.

[Ian laughing]

It's great!

I wanted to scope me mum's before we went on.

- [indistinct] - Let's go to your mum's.

- Let's go to mum's. - Let's not go to me mum's.

What's in the back? Is there...

[chuckles]

- See that? - Yeah.

You're not insured on it.

Can I not get insured on this?

Don't get angry.

You can't get angry about this.

'Cause it was a joke, I told them it was a joke,

I made it very clear it was a joke,

but the problem was... [laughs]

I could... I told them that you had a criminal record.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, but I told you got a criminal record.

Why?

- I'll have one. - For a joke.

I'll have one in an hour. Brilliant.

Because you're not insured,

we need you driving it...

It'll work.

And you definitely can't see this?

It just looks like you're driving.

Driving what?

[Ian] Drive.

Just drive.

That just looks like you're driving.

Looks like you're driving a normal car,

and afterwards, I'm gonna reverse the shot

so it looks like you're in this seat.

One more practice.

Signal.

Mirror.

What?

[squeaking]

Mirror's in the middle, mate.

That's it. There we go.

Oh, what, have I failed my test in toy town?

[laughing]

All I wanna do right now, to be honest,

is move it. Is get away from here,

get away from where people know me,

get away from where me family live,

and just get on with it.

- [car horn] - [Barry] Fuck!

[upbeat music]

[Deborah] It's become more and more respectable

within mainstream academic careers

for people to investigate this phenomenon.

Because whether ghosts exist or not,

the phenomenon of people believing in ghosts

certainly exists, and that means something.

Okay, so first challenge.

Well, hang on. Well, this is the thing.

Why's there a challenge from the start?

It was letting you state your case...

- Hmm? - ...without me arguing with it.

So, I arranged for you

to address a sceptics conference,

so I replaced me, a hardened sceptic,

with every other sceptic in the country. [laughs]

- Well, how's that fair? - But not me.

I'm still there, but I was more benign.

Yeah. And they'd all just sat through

a rather touching speech from a well-respected sceptic

and I shuffle on.

It's interesting, you never hear the words

"well-respected believer" in ghosts, do you not?

[sighs]

[Ian] The beauty of this was

they didn't know you were coming.

[Barry] Exactly.

So, you're upsetting the playing field

from the word "go."

[Ian] You just had to wander on.

[Barry] Yeah.

[engine rumbles]

[Barry] Oh, my God!

Am I just gonna walk on and do it?

I can't have any, "Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage..."

[Ian] No!

'Cause you don't want them to leave.

I genuinely don't wanna do it.

It's a ton of people who disagree with me

on every level.

- But that's your life every day. - And I'm about to go..

Yeah, but I'm about to go bloody preaching

at their conference!

This is their thing. I'm the...

bloody fly in the butter, whatever it is.

How about then you go on there and just apologize to them?

- Just say, "I'm sorry." - I can do that.

[Ian] I'm sorry that people believe in ghosts,

- we're all stupid. - Right. No.

If you've genuinely got the courage

of your convictions, as you say, when it's me and you talking,

you've got the courage convictions

and you believe in that, you passionately believe it,

and you say that I'm wrong and all that,

you should have no fear at all of going out there.

And just say that to them. They're all me. That's me!

That room is me.

Do you know how horrible that is?

[laughing] I think you'll be all right.

I'm panicking.

[Ian] Take a breath.

- [sucks in breath] - [Ian] Deep breath. Hold it.

Hold it forever.

- [huffs out] - [Ian chuckles]

I'm in a genuine weird situation

because I sorta want him to do it.

I sorta want him to do well.

[sniggers]

Hello. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

If I could just have your attention please,

I promise I won't take up very much of your time.

My name's Barry Dodds.

I was brought up from a young age,

like, I used to go and spend time with my relatives

in the northeast of England.

And I used to get told ghost stories

when I was sorta, like, seven, eight year old.

And I used to love them.

I'll be honest with you, I've never seen a ghost.

Now, skepticism has done a lot for the paranormal community.

You've made... You know,

there's certain things I don't believe in,

like psychics and mediums and things like that,

but I also think there's been times

when too much has been dismissed.

Like, for example, there's a house in Pontefract,

in West Yorkshire, which is now famous for housing

the Black Monk of Pontefract, you know.

But part of me would like to believe

that there's something that science doesn't know yet.

You know what I mean?

For example, there's been an iceberg snapped off recently

in Antarctica,

and for 120,000 years

we've no idea what's underneath there.

Who knows what's under there, you know.

There could be some creatures we don't know,

there could be some sort of DNA we don't know,

there could even be some sort of alien life,

the beginning of mankind.

I mean, the reality is it's probably just fish.

Now, the world is full of armchair sceptics.

Now, everyone's happy just to sit back and go,

"There's no such thing as ghosts. It's all rubbish."

"It's all nonsense. It's all money-making.

It's in their mind and their fantasies."

These people I don't find them the sort of people

who've been in

and tried to do some sort of scientific investigation

into what these things are.

I'd love somebody to go in,

like on a real scientific level and find out, you know,

what's been going on, you know.

I got it rubbed in my face quite a lot

when Brian Cox came out not too long ago

and said, not came out, but when he said

that when he said the Large Hadron Collider,

means it's just highly impossible,

or highly improbable, that ghosts exist.

But you know, to me, it was, like, hang on,

you haven't said definitely.

For me, even that fraction of doubt

leaves something in my mind. Thank you so much for your time.

Have a lovely weekend. Thank you.

[applause]

[piano music]

How do you think it went?

They hated me.

I don't think they hated you, mate.

There was only about 25 people in there.

Yeah, and some of them fucked off.

I think you baffled them.

How?

Aliens under an iceberg, mate.

All right. I said that. That was probably bollocks.

So why mention it at all?

This is the point.

I think there were really important lessons

- to learn from that. - Right.

One, stay on topic.

[Barry] Hmm.

Two, back up with proof.

So research.

- [Barry] Hmm? - And three...

never ever...

talk.

[sniggers]

- At all. Okay? - Right.

- [laughs] Okay. - You'll be all right.

Where was the first place we visited?

[static crackle]

Right. Pluckley. Welcome to Barry's taxi tour.

- Most haunted village... - Yeah.

...in the UK.

- If not the world. - Is it?

- Yep. Yep. - Are you sure? Okay.

Yeah, Guinness Book of World Records.

- What? - It's in it.

- It's in it? Is it? Okay. - Yeah. Yep.

- Definitely? You checked it? - Definitely. Yep.

Checked it this year?

- That doesn't matter. - Keep going. Yeah. Keep going.

So, what we're gonna do, is I'm gonna take you round

- all the spots that we've got. - Right.

- All the hotspots. Yeah. - In your taxi?

- Okay. - In the taxi.

And take you round all the places...

Lots of stories, lots of things to tell you.

Think you're already too excited,

- but we'll do it. - Can't wait.

So, have you got your steering wheel ready?

- Yeah. - You got your signs?

- I've got your signs. - Excellent. Yeah.

- [Ian] There you go. All in. - Brilliant.

I'll do them.

- [Ian] Happy? Give them a wave. - [Barry] Yeah.

[Ian] Nice one. Seatbelt on?

Gotta hold on to that, mate.

It's in the driving test, that, mate.

[Barry] We are going to Mouton's Hill,

just on the outskirts of Pluckley.

- Right. - What happens here

is that people tend to hear a coach coming along.

- So, on the road... - Like... [growls]

...people tend to hear other vehicles?

No, no, no, but this is horse-drawn,

so they hear horses

- clopping along. - [laughs] Right.

And there's also a headless horseman on top,

but I don't know anything about him.

It's more about the horse.

What do you mean you don't know anything about him?

What sort of ghost tour is this?

So, horses, things that exist in real life,

coaches, things that exist in real life...

- I wasn't that interested. - The man with no head,

you've not bothered looking into that?

On a normal tour, wouldn't they be going, like,

so, I'll just give you a little bit about history

- of Pluckley. - Yeah, but...

Rather than just sitting in sort of sinister silence.

No, no, no, no, no. let's stop here,

see if we can hear the horses.

No! No show today. Nowhere.

So, let's take a trip now to the brickworks.

[Ian sighs]

Yep, there we go.

The driver is reading a map and texting whilst driving.

Not texting!

Not even touching the steering wheel.

[playful music]

A bit of an issue finding the brickworks,

don't worry about it.

[Ian] What happens at the brickworks?

There's a bloke fell to his death.

You can hear his screams.

[sighs]

[imitates screaming]

[Barry] I think we turn right...

- [Ian] Right. - [Barry] ...here.

Pluckley, one and a quarter miles

to the left. We're not even in Pluckley!

We're not even in Pluckley

for Barry's ghost taxi tour of Pluckley!

- Forget about brickworks. - We're going left!

It's not one of your hauntings. Can't claim that, mate.

Stick within your postcode.

And that's what I was talking about

- with research. - Yeah, but you weren't helping.

I'm not meant to be helping.

But not even stopping the hearse when I was telling you to.

Barry, the hearse is massive.

I can't stop the hearse on single-track road

to look for, and I quote, "the ghost of a gypsy."

[laughing]

Okay, forget that. Forget that.

- Forget what? All of it? - Yeah, well...

Why did we do it?

[stammers] Diversion.

Oh, it was deliberate?

- Tactical? - Yes. Hmm.

I see. I apologize,

I didn't know you'd done it on purpose. Why?

[Barry] To get to Pluckley for the main course.

[Ian] Right. Which was?

Because he now wants me to sleep all night

in a tent in the woods.

[mischievous music]

[static crackle]

[Ian sighs]

[Ian yells] Barry!

Don't just walk off!

[silence]

What use is it if you're in a different postcode to me?

I'm just walking at normal speed.

But if you notice that I'm not there,

because I'm carrying that,

so swap over now. You carry that, I'll carry this.

- Ready? - Yep.

- Okay. - Let's go!

[playful music]

That's the fastest he's ever moved.

And you're confident you can pitch a tent there, are you?

- Yeah. - All right, on you go.

Whoa!

- Did you hear that? - [Ian laughing]

What did it sound like?

- That... - God sighing? [chuckles]

Heard something walking in there.

You do that. I'll go and check.

If it was something walking, it's got longer legs than me.

[Barry mutters] It doesn't take much.

Whoa! Fucking leaf.

[tense music]

[Ian hisses]

Oh, you fucking dick!

- [Ian] I was possessed. - Me own torch.

- [Ian] I know. - [huffs]

[Ian] That's the headline.

[Barry] I would be fine in the wild, me.

[Ian laughing]

[Barry] Oh, yes!

Right, let's get it in the woods.

[grunts]

There we go. In the woods. [laughing]

[Barry] Right. So, one of the things...

I've got a bit of a secret weapon.

This. I'm over the moon with.

Really hard to get...

I would've never ever have guessed that

when you were opening that coat. What are we doing?

What's happening with this?

- This... - [Ian] Who's this little fella?

Boo bear.

Lady.

This...

[silence]

[calls out] Hello?

You fucking heard that.

Do you think

we are the only things alive in these woods?

Well, yeah.

[Ian] Please, stop looking

- over there. - Okay, sorry. Right.

So this is like a second pair of eyes for me, right?

This bear, you know I walk around,

"Is there anyone there? Make a noise. Throw something."

- All that? This does it for us. - [Ian] Yeah. Yeah.

But it reacts to temperature, it reacts to EMF,

it reacts to movement, it reacts to touch.

Got to give it a little bit of time

just to adjust to the area.

And away she goes.

[teddy] Hi, I'm Boo Buddy, what's your name?

I'm Barry.

And if it's detecting something's close,

like a spike in EMF, its hands light up.

See, look? Lighting up.

So, we go to bed or go off looking,

we leave it,

I leave a little night vision camera on it,

and a Dictaphone, we leave it,

then we come back, right, then we...

You don't believe in this, do you?

- No. Then... - Look me in the eyes.

You don't believe in this, do you?

I've never used it.

Why you... It's Teddy Ruxpin,

why do you think this is gonna help?

[teddy] Can you touch my tummy?

[Ian] I don't reckon you know what you're doing.

I think you're making this up as you go along.

Why are we in these woods, Barry?

[Barry] To find the screaming ghosts.

[Ian] And what are they?

[Barry] Ghosts that scream.

Could I be more simple?

[Ian] No.

No, I actually don't think you could, no.

[snoring]

[Ian] His medication's clearly kicked in.

[snoring]

[Ian chuckles]

[Barry snoring]

[mischievous music]

- [Ian] Hey! What are you doing? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Ian] What are you doing?

The fuck, man?

[Ian] You're all over the place!

Fff...

[Ian] What're you doing down there?

Mate?

You've climbed all over me. [chuckles]

Where...

- Where's me torch? - [Ian] Up here where it was!

- Come on, come back up here. - [Barry] Shh! Shh!

- [Ian] What? - Man...

[Ian] What?

Come right around.

[Barry] Ow, man!

- Twatting about then. - [Ian] What's happening?

[laughing]

I'm not twatting about.

[Ian] It was you! You were all over the place.

[Barry] Fucking shut it, man!

[Ian] Goodnight, Barry.

Away, lads.

[haunting piano music]

[quietly] The snoring stopped about 40 minutes ago.

I thought he was dead at one point.

Okay. Three, two, one.

Action.

Mate. We're late. Mate, Barry, we're late.

Barry! We're really late. We gotta go. We gotta go.

We're late for the crew down there. We gotta go now.

Come on. I'm sorry, man, to wake you up quick.

Just get up quick.

- [Barry sighs] I'm sweating! - [Ian] Mate!

Man. We've gotta go. Now.

[Barry] Right. Ok.

[Ian] Get your bear. I've packed up, already.

I'll get the bags.

- [Ian] What are you doing? - Whoa, man.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What's up? You all right?

- Different. - [Ian] What?

[Ian laughing]

[Ian chuckling] Our crew's there.

We're fine.

I'm on check.

And sorry, we're not an hour and a half late,

hour and a half early. We're an hour and a half early.

We're ready.

Take your time, mate.

How have you turned the...

[Ian] Got the rest of the film to work it out.

[Barry] I still haven't got a clue.

[Ian] That's a good soundbite for the trailer.

[Barry] Well, what are you doing with the tent? [chuckles]

[Ian] Isn't the question more what you did with that bear?

[Barry] I never touched the bear.

- You put it outside the tent. - [Barry] No.

You told me you were gonna put a camera on it

and a recorder.

Well, the only camera that was on that bear

was the one that I set up before the crew left,

and I'm still yet to hear any of this EMF recording

- you've apparently made. - [mumbles]

Here's a summation of your ghost hunting

in them woods.

- You ready? - Hmm.

You put a toy bear outside the tent

and went to sleep.

That's your ghost hunting.

That's your scientific approach for the day.

But that is nothing

compared to the madness of the next day.

Right, we are setting off to Edinburgh.

Let's go.

I can't drive from Pluckley to Edinburgh in one day.

Well, yeah. With services and that. We'll crack on.

Why?

I've managed to get us in

to a certain underground vault that I know about.

There's a active witch's coven, they are in one vault,

there's another vault, though, that they had to leave

because there was something bad in it.

Now, they've trapped whatever was bad in there

in a stone circle

that you're not allowed to step into,

because you'll get cursed and bad things'll happen to you.

I'm gonna get the head witch to come in

when you're stood in the stone circle

and put a curse on you.

- Right... - [Barry] And my thing is,

is if you bollocks it and say no,

then that's you admitting

that there might be something in the supernatural

and bad luck in cursing.

Okay. What sort of witch is it?

Is it like an old crow and green with long strag...

like, hair and...

- with a cauldron? What is it? - No. Nothing like that.

There's no cauldrons or anything like that.

- [Ian] So, they're good witches? - Yeah. Yeah! They're all right.

So... but you think a good witch is gonna put a curse on someone?

I'll ask them. I will give them a few quid.

You've not checked any of it, mate,

and you're asking me to drive to another country.

Yeah, but... [stammers] Road trip!

You're meant to be proving to me the existence of ghosts.

How does that correlate, what they're doing?

Putting the curse on me, which I presume brings bad luck,

okay, so let's say they put a curse on me tonight

and tomorrow I break my leg.

You'll let me go in, what will you say then?

- Curse. Yeah. - Right.

What's that got to do with ghosts?

[stammers] It ties in!

It's in the same books, isn't it?

If you don't know, say, "I don't know."

No, it's the same...

If you don't know, say, "I don't know."

If you don't know, say, "I don't know."

- I don't know. - [Ian] Right.

I'll tell you now.

If they're a good coven of witches,

they will not put a curse on someone

because some Jordie's turned up with a fiver.

That won't happen. [chuckles] Will it?

Me friend works in the vault, so I'll speak to her

and ask her to have a word...

It'll be fine! It'll be fine!

Can't do these things on the day!

Well, we can, 'cause we're about to.

You know, being faced with death

would certainly be enough for somebody

to start rethinking

how they make sense of the world.

It's entirely plausible

that somebody would go from a sceptic

to believing in the paranormal.

- [static crackles] - [haunting music]

[Ian] Barry!

Stop running off!

By the second location, you'd brought someone else in

to do it for you.

Yeah. 'Cause she's really clued up on it all.

- I know. I liked her. - [Barry] Hmm.

Well, she's one of the actual tour guides there,

so she knows all about it.

[Eszter] People do experience things when they come here.

They have strange paranormal experiences.

People hear strange noises in here.

Sometimes, you can hear things like...

[Barry] Oh, come on!

- Yes! No. - [Barry] Come on. No, come on.

- Oh, oh, oh. - [Barry] No, come on. Stop it.

Someone grabbed my arse.

- [laughter] - I shit you not.

Someone grabbed my arse.

[Eszter] Maybe let's start with this one up here.

[gasps] What the... Fuck off!

[Eszter] Is that the arse-grabber, again?

Yeah!

- [Ian laughing] - You!

I want distance from every person and my arse.

[laughter]

Can you tell me what is seen down here?

What ghosts in particular do people report seeing?

There's a figure called "The Watcher."

He appears at the back of the corridor outside,

or when you're inside the vault,

sometimes people see his silhouette in the door.

He is a really tall man

wearing a tricorn hat, a frock coat,

a pair of heavy leather boots,

and in one hand he carries a torch,

in the other, a set of keys.

And he doesn't interact much with the visitors.

He just likes to watch

which is, I think, way more creepy.

People report this really uncanny,

really uneasy feeling of being watched,

usually coming from that direction

to the back of the corridor.

His job is to keep us out, essentially.

- He's guarding this place. - [jingle]

Right, get me the fuck outta here, now!

- [Eszter laughs] Let's go. - [Barry] Right.

[Eszter] Let's go. Let's go, if you must.

[Barry] Okay, so what can you tell us about this room?

Well, this vault was used by a group of wiccans

back in the 1990s, so that's quite a recent thing.

And they left very quickly,

because they felt that they were not welcome here.

This was their attempt

at trapping the negative energy in this vault,

and whatever it was, they wanted to trap it,

so that's why they left the stone circle here.

What would happen if somebody stepped in there?

[Eszter] Feeling out of breath,

feeling dizzy, feeling faint, feeling nauseous.

We had a child projectile vomiting

in that circle a few weeks ago.

Sometimes more intense things happen.

We had people having panic attacks in there,

people fainting.

There was one epileptic fit, one heart attack,

and one poor unfortunate man losing control of his bowels.

So now we've seen the disused vault,

can you show me the working temple now?

Absolutely.

Well, will you come in there with us?

[Eszter] I would not. I would prefer to stay outside.

Mostly, because I feel like it would be disrespectful

to their religion.

Oh, you like doing that.

[Eszter] You like doing that, don't you?

- Yeah. Come on. - [Eszter] Okay.

So, here we are.

This is the source coven of the Blue Dragon.

There's lots of things hanging down from the ceiling.

One of the things that I want to do

is I want to get in touch with the witch who runs this.

The top brass.

Do you know the guy I need to speak to, the witch?

[Eszter] I've never met him.

Sadly, he died three years ago.

- [Ian] Barry? - [Barry] Yeah?

What was the reason you brought me here?

For the witch.

How many miles have we driven?

A hundred.

[Ian] What have you just been told?

Eszter, is he definitely dead?

[dripping]

It's just completely disrespectful.

Not just to me, but to everything in here.

[Ian] Right.

Going in a real witch's place...

- [Ian] Yeah. - I've got a nose...

- Yeah, stupid nose. - I had a cat.

- [chuckles] Right. - [Barry] That's gone.

Oh, whose fault is it?

Yours!

No...

Why are you dressed as a witch?

All right. I didn't check.

- [Ian] Okay. Fine. - All right.

As long as we know it's your fault.

Say it to the camera.

- Right. It's my fault. - [Ian] There we go. Okay.

So, I've got the candles, I've got everything I need.

I've got me spell,

I've got some herbs, I needed herbs.

So now is when I'm gonna challenge you

to step inside the circle.

Right. Well, that's done.

Fine.

What's the next bit?

[Barry] So now, I'm gonna curse you.

Right. Okay.

Is this spell a real spell?

- This is a real spell. - [Ian] Okay.

Where'd you get it from?

- [Barry] The internet. - The internet. Great.

Great place. Okay. You've got to believe it.

- [Barry] Yeah. - Okay.

- So, here we go. - [Ian] Hang on, hang on.

[breathes in and out deeply]

I do have a family.

I do have a family, so if you can let them know

that I did this of my own accord.

Any legal things in that? Okay.

[breathes in and out deeply]

I think I'm being really brave.

- [breathes in] - Herbs.

By Mars, the planet of anger, bring forward the darkness.

Wrap yourself around this man and bring forth the demons.

Like bees to honey, Ian,

you are now part of the darkness.

That's good. That's good. What are you doing?

[Barry] I'll spin around or something.

we'll put some CGI in it.

[growling]

[groaning]

Do that, do that. I'll do it.

[groans, imitates explosions]

[imitates explosions, screams]

Maybe put fire on it.

[yells]

I've got one more question.

Yeah?

What's that? Whose is that?

It's my torch.

Brilliant.

So, that's cursed as well?

Well, that's going in the bin.

That's not coming home now. [laughs]

It's still yours, though.

So, there's something of me...

my earthly vessel, majestic as it is.

And we've also got something of yours.

That's cursed.

[hisses]

[groans]

[Ian] What are we doing?

So, this is something I'm going to surprise you with.

This is top-of-the-range, this is amazing.

Best ghost hunting stuff going.

It's called an Ovilus.

- It's the Ovilus 5. - A what? Right.

So, this'll create a channel for things to talk through.

It'll also give us a reading of the EMF

in the room as well.

What's the science of that?

It'll, like, create... It reads atmospheric conditions.

How does it work?

- What is it? How does it work? - It reads the...

Don't keep telling me what it does.

- [nervous laugh] - Tell me how it does it.

With the antennas.

- With the antennas? - I don't know!

Right.

- Now, come on. - So, why are you putting

trust in something you don't know what it is?

[stammers] I'm being open-minded to something working.

[Ian] Okay. Okay.

I wanna use my ghost hunter equipment as well.

- [Barry] Okay. - Yeah. I'm gonna just use that.

- Right. - Do you know what this is?

- [Barry] It's a Vape. - No! A spirit sucker.

Oh. Right.

Oh! Straight away, it's off.

[Ian] What's it saying?

- "American." - [Ian] "American?"

Yeah. And "triangle."

Is it a password generator?

No. [chuckles]

Just throwing up a random word.

Have your password done by a ghost, then.

- Say that to the camera. - No. [chuckles]

Have your password done by a ghost.

The Ovilus, whatever it is.

[laughter]

Where's the castle and the American?

- Ember Castle's above us... - Right. [chuckles]

Well, by some distance, as well.

It's not directly above us, is it?

[gasps] And there will be an American tourist!

- That is brilliant, mate. - [Barry indistinct]

There's no Americans on our crew.

Be careful on these stairs.

[Ian] Be careful on the stairs.

There could be a castle or a triangle.

[Barry] What is that?

[stammers] Oh, it's a wall.

[Ian chuckles]

[Barry] Yeah, it's a wall. Right?

[gasps] We saw a wall! We haven't seen a wall!

[huffs] I'm jumpy.

[Ian] You're hiding it very well.

Okay.

- What's this room? - Here.

[Barry] I don't know. I've never been in here.

- [bang] - [Barry shouts]

Fuck off, dickhead!

Doesn't even seem very fair, does it really?

[bang]

[Ian] I'm trying to open it!

[sighs heavily]

[Barry] You're making a mockery of this.

You said you'd take this seriously.

[Ian growls] Who...

is in...

[Barry] I'll take it seriously. I'll go into your places.

I'll look at your haunted things.

[Ian growling] ...my dwelling?

I am getting...

Darry Bodds.

Darry...

Bodds.

A cursed...

[in squeaky voice] Darry, is that you?

It's me, you little brother that they never told you about.

You killed me on the swings!

And your family never told you!

I mean, our family. I meant to say "our family."

It's been a long time, I sometimes forget

that they're still my family as well.

[laughing]

[normal voice] I think I have a better time on my own.

See this glow?

When we start getting near, that will glow.

Fuck! It's going now.

Is anyone near me?

Like you just were before, just come close.

Try and come closer than that, like you were before.

[chuckles]

Like... No. Something that I can't see.

Look at that where it's stuck on two now.

- That's high. - [Ian] Yeah.

- [clinking] - Right! [huffs]

[sighs]

- When you say, "Right..." - [Barry inaudible]

No, wait. [chuckles] When you say, "right,"

it's like you're gonna... what are you going to do?

- Right! I'm what? [laughing] - [stammers]

It's completely involuntary. It's like a tick.

[Ian] Okay, okay, it's fine.

[Barry] Right, so it's going up.

It's stopped.

- [clang] - [Ian] Right!

What's it recording now?

- That's recording EMF. - [Ian] So what sets it off?

What would set it off in the real world?

- In the real world? [chuckles] - [Ian] Yeah.

[Barry] An electric current, frequency.

- [Ian] Okay. - Like, if I held it

to the battery on the camera,

you see it's lighting up more.

[Ian] So, give me that camera

so we make sure it's not that.

That... Ooh, shitting hell! Right. Okay.

It's stopped doing it. It was going absolutely mad before.

What! Oh, there! There we go! There. Right. Okay.

Right in front of me.

It's stopped.

It's stopped. It's moved. It's gone. It was there.

It was in the air right in front of me.

Okay, so it's this side of the vault

that's more active.

All right. Well, can you stay there for the day?

[Barry] It's stopped! Oh, it was going proper mad.

[stammers] Somebody must... Oh, oh, oh!

[Ian] What? Oh, it's stopped again.

- [groans] - [Ian] Ah!

Every time we look, it stops!

If you're here, can you make a noise?

Can you touch one of us?

Can you throw something?

[Ian] There's nothing in here for it to throw.

Can you throw a stone?

Can you throw Barry?

[chuckles] Can you hit Ian?

[Ian] Nothing yet.

Oh, don't! So tempted.

[laughter]

- [Ian] So, again, I... - [screaming]

I fucking saw it! I swear to God!

I swear to fucking God. Get out. Get out now.

Please, please get out!

- You go. No, no, we're fine. - Please get out.

Please. [stammers] Fuck. Mate, I swear to God.

I swear to God I saw it. It just stepped out.

- Please. Please. Please. Please! - Go! Go then! Go, go, go.

- I don't wanna fucking stay... - All right.

...anywhere without anyone... I swear to fucking God I saw it.

I'm really fucking scared, man.

I'm really fucking scared. I'm sorry. I've gotta stop.

Sorry, I've gotta stop.

- It's all right, it's all right. - I'm really, really scared.

It's all right. Hold it together.

[crying] I'm sorry. Can I just get out?

Sorry. Can someone just get me out of here, please?

[Barry crying]

[snivels]

Oh, God. I'm gonna be fine.

[Barry sniveling]

[Barry crying]

[Barry crying]

Fucking hell!

[sniffling]

[crying] Fucking...

[Ian] Has he gone out?

[indistinct chatter]

- [Ian] Barry? - [Barry] Yeah?

[Ian] You up or down?

- [Barry] Down. - [Ian] Okay.

It's the most frightening thing

I've ever seen in my entire life.

I've never seen anything that scared me as much as that.

- [Ian] Okay. - It was fucking big.

It was... [sniffling]

I've never seen anything like it in me life.

Ever. Ever, ever, ever.

And that... I don't know. It feels like

I don't wanna see anything like that again.

[Ian] Okay.

And I'm not bullshitting this, I promise you.

[Ian] No, no. Hold on. Don't.

Just talk to me, it's fine. Okay.

I'm sorry.

[rain pattering]

I feel sick.

How clear was it to you?

So clear.

From sort if there, downward. Not as clear, but the tall bit,

the shoulders and just the shape of it.

And it just stepped like that.

- It was so smooth. - And what is it?

A man, a lady? What is it?

It just looked like something big.

It just sort of like a slim face,

but it was pale. It was pale.

I couldn't make out features, I couldn't make out eyes,

there was no like eyes or nose.

It was just like the shapes...

[laughing] That's just rain, that, mate. That's rain.

I swear to God. [stammers] Nobody'll ever, ever, ever

be able to tell me I didn't see that.

'Cause I saw that clear as day, and it was just so tall.

That's what freaked me out, is that...

it... was... I don't know.

I'm sorry. I couldn't stay in there.

- I had to come out. - [Ian] No, that's fine.

not to piss on your bonfire,

but I went and got your K2 meter.

[Barry] Okay.

And it wasn't lighting or anything like that.

It didn't light up when I saw it.

So now, the K2 meter is... that's proven to you bollocks?

- Yeah. Yeah, definitely. - Right, okay. Fine.

- So, okay... Okay, so, - I've got no argument.

- K2 meter, gone? Yeah. - [Ian] Fine.

- No joke. - Yeah.

Yeah, it didn't work.

If it was meant to detect something,

- it didn't detect what I saw. - Fine. Okay.

- Okay! - Okay.

- Can I have a minute? - Yep. Cut it there, please.

- Thanks. - [Barry] Thanks, everyone.

In his defence...

he's not that good an actor.

I went to drama school, and I can't do that.

So, unless he's genuinely been hiding

some fucking Branagh skills,

then that's what he saw then.

But that doesn't mean it's a ghost.

[emotive music]

No one saw it.

None of the crew saw it,

which is useless. That's pointless to anyone.

Because I'm already on side, I believe,

I need him to see it, not me.

'Cause at least if he saw it, he'd have a long think about it.

Things like that.

Whereas me, I'll just shit meself.

Really frustrating.

I'm going home.

I'm going home.

[Ian] That footage was genuinely terrifying.

And not 'cause of a ghost.

It was terrifying,

'cause when I watched that footage

and saw his face,

it was like, he's gone.

Completely.

I don't know, it's like, it's sorta like

you're messing with something, you know?

So, it's not just fun,

it's not just being scared of the dark,

and it's not just being scared with your friends,

it's like here's that thing you've been looking for,

and is that really what you wanted?

And I thought, is he gonna come back at all,

first off, and if he does come back,

what sort of state is he gonna came back in?

'Cause he looked broken.

Right now, I am ready to go home.

I'm done. I am done.

[Ian] And by the way, he did come back weird.

And I mean, really weird.

[Barry] Hi, mate. It's just me.

Just wondering, can you just have a look

at your text messages?

I'm gonna text you a post code.

If you come and meet me there,

I just need to have a chat with you

about some things. It's not a haunted place,

I just wanna have a chat. All right, see you soon. Bye.

[emotive piano music]

[music fades]

Why are we in a church?

Doing the ghost hunting for 20 years,

and I've always been honest and I've always said

- I've never seen anything. - [Ian] Right.

And now I'm not in that position,

because I did see something.

That throws up more questions than it does give me answers.

'Cause if that is true,

then it opens up the possibility of an afterlife.

I'd rather have an answer that I didn't see what I saw.

Well, then be happier. You hallucinated.

Mate, you had two hours' sleep,

you were in a heavily stressful situation,

you were on codeine 'cause your knee was knackered.

Is hallucination a real thing?

- Yeah. - [Ian] Right. So that happens?

- [Barry] Yeah. - It's not a myth.

Not an urban legend,

some people believe and some people don't.

It does just happen, doesn't it?

- [Barry] Yeah. - Right.

So, if you went to the doctor's

and you said that you saw a 25-foot ghost,

- nobody else saw it. - Hmm.

[Ian] What questions would they ask you at that point,

do you reckon?

- [Barry] Are you on drugs? - Right.

[Ian] What other questions would they ask you?

[Barry] What did it look like?

No, they wouldn't ask you, "What did it look like?"

[Barry] If you get the right doctor,

he might be more interested in "Did it speak to you?"

No. No they won't,

'cause the reason you're at the doctor

is to find out what's happening, if you're ill.

And if something bad has happened.

The doctor will be asking you those specific questions,

because those things directly correlate and tally

with what happened to you.

People who hallucinate are tired,

people who hallucinate have had a lack of sleep,

people who hallucinate are on drugs,

people who hallucinate are under stressful situations.

You got one, two, three, full house.

If life after death is real, then what about religion?

So, are you religious now?

It's got me scared

thinking what happens when you do die.

Then surely, I should be religious in some way,

'cause I don't wanna go down and not up.

I don't even know if we're in the right place.

I don't even know if I'm back in the right one.

[Ian] Well, what's this one? What church is this?

This is... Jesus.

- Church, church. - Jesus?

- [Ian] Oh yes, the Jesus church. - Church. Church.

- The blanket one. Yes. - Jesus?

- The blanket one? - A blanket one that covers all.

I'll tell you now that this is a Protestant church.

But let's not get into the factions,

let's go for the overview.

- Well, if it's... - [Barry] Christianity, Allah,

Buddha, the elephant one. [chuckles]

No, but... The what one?

What I'm saying to you is,

is this one is Church of England,

but Christianity is also covered by Catholicism...

Yeah.

...Evangelical, Baptist.

They're all sort of factions of Christianity, really.

Well, we... The curse that we did...

The curse that you did.

That we did...

- Well, I don't... - That we did

- in the vault... - I didn't do a curse.

- You got in the circle. - You told me to.

- I... - You were the ringleader.

If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

Well, it depends how long you've been talking for.

- [chuckles] - What about the curse?

So, I'm one who's mucked around with the real witches as well.

- Yeah. - The stone circle one,

- the curse there. - [Ian] Yeah.

We left there, what did we try and do?

We tried driving home...

- Yeah. - ...that night.

Worst storm ever, or something hit,

on the west coast,

we got blown all over in the hearse.

We were driving back from Scotland,

of course there was bad weather.

There's almost always bad weather.

Me pipes burst at home.

Yeah, again, this is your house.

There was loads of things went, right...

The van.

The van, there was a crack in the windscreen

- on the van. - Yeah. Yeah.

All these things are in the Bible.

And lo, God said,

"I shall smite you with cracked windscreens?"

[chuckles] At gigs, like quietly

before going onstage, doing that.

- You've been crossing yourself? - [chuckles] Like that.

Why?

- Protection. - It's not protection.

- [Barry] It is. - What are you talking about?

- They do it in the Exorcist. - And also, crossing yourself

is Catholicism. That's what Catholics do.

You're better off just taking a punt on one

than not getting involved. It's like playing the lottery.

It's like, I'm probably not gonna win,

but you gotta be in it to win it.

That's not what your faith is.

Your faith is meant to be something that you believe,

that you have faith in, not something

that you're conveniently pretending to believe in

because you thought you saw a tall ghost!

But then when I get up, I'll just blag it.

What do you mean,

when you get up, "you'll just blag it?"

- I'll be St. Peter. - [Barry] Right.

You come down here,

you be Barry Dodds at the gates of heaven.

Okay, could be have, um...

Berry Dodds, please?

Barry Dodds, close enough.

- B-A-R-Y? Oh. - No, double "R."

That's what your parents wrote on your birth certificate.

Okay. So this is your entrance interview

- to heaven. Pretty cool place. - Yeah.

You'll appreciate that we have to check

that you do actually follow this faith.

This lever here will send you to hell.

Now, on your notes it's saying that you only found faith

after hallucinating

- in a dungeon? - No. It wasn't hallucinating.

- I saw... - No! Oh, no, sorry.

And I appreciate that you think it wasn't,

but we know here in heaven, we know what happened.

- [Barry] Right. Okay. - We've got a guy.

He's sort of like the boss here...

- Right. Okay. - [Ian] ...who sees everything.

So, I can tell you now,

for a fact, it was a hallucination.

Can I tell you what God's notes are?

- All right, hold on. - [Ian] I've got God's notes.

We normally keep them quiet, but I can just tell you

- what they are. - Alright, come on then.

God's said, "He's pretending that he believes in all this.

He was worried that he had got the wrong one,

but he's gonna pretend

whichever one that it actually is

in the afterlife,

to try, and again in quotes, 'blag' his way into heaven."

- Can I speak to God, please? - [Ian] No.

Because he already knows what you're gonna say.

Well, no. Can I speak to him, please?

- [Ian] No. - No.

Look, I wanna speak to your supervisor.

- [Ian] Okay. - Can you just give him a shout?

I'll wait. You go and get him.

- Yeah, get God. - That's fine, that's fine.

[rapping on wood]

- [Ian in deep voice] Hello? - [Barry] Hello.

Listen. Sorry about all that down there.

- [Ian] Right. - [laughter]

[Ian] It's kind of important, though, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're pretty sure

that was important?

Yeah, really important, but I really...

Sorry, I...

You know, I'm on your team.

I know you're lying.

- [Barry] First, sorry for that. - I already know you're lying.

I know what you're about to say.

I know what you're about to say,

I know what you're thinking right now. I know everything.

I know you're blagging it. I am everywhere.

[groans]

[Ian] You see?

Probably less nagging down there.

You're not gonna do your crossing before you go?

Not this church.

Oh, right. [laughing]

[Dean] If you grow up

in a fundamentally religious community,

then believing things

which have no obvious real world explanation or evidence,

that's par for the course. You become someone who...

If someone says to you,

"God made the world in six days,"

you go, "Okay, cool."

'Cause you've been raised to think that.

You have no reason to doubt that.

So, you know, when you say, "God made the world in six days,

also, there's a ghost in the air."

All right, that's not a challenge

to your core beliefs.

[laughing] What am I meant to do with that?

You've gotta remember, this sort of thing,

with Barry to me, has been going on for years.

This hasn't started with just this film.

I don't know what I'm meant to do

with what he's just said to me.

He's meant to be proving to me the existence of ghosts,

and now he's on a quest for God.

[laughing]

Or trying to negotiate how he's gonna get into heaven.

[laughs] What do I do? Right, it's fine.

He's back on track. We've got him back in.

He's back willing to do it.

Let's bundle him in that hearse now,

get him to as many locations as we possibly can,

and just get through this.

And then let him go join a cult or something,

whatever he's gonna inevitably do.

But if he's not doing it properly,

if he's gonna stand in corners and offer nothing at all,

or react in stupid ways to stupid things,

then I'm dicking about.

I'm sorry for saying "dick" in a church.

Cue montage.

[emotive music]

We are here now

at The Ancient Ram Inn in Gloucester.

David Feld. I am a psychic clairvoyant medium.

There's something down in the far end.

Really angry, really angry, man.

[Ian] Can you move something in here

and we'll just leave? We'll leave you alone.

[tapping]

[David] Can you do that again for us?

- Is he still with us? - [tap]

[flicks lights]

[Barry] All right. Well, there's no point,

'cause Ian's turning the light on and off.

What is the point?

We can go and have a twat around in the shopping center.

You can turn the lights on and off.

[Ian] There's no point,

because he is turning the light on and off.

[laughing] You spoiled child.

How am I a spoiled child?

Right, my birthday party's cancelled

'cause Ian is turning a light on and off!

You all right, Barry?

[Barry] I'm trying to look for something.

Having a little creep about the place, are you?

There's somewhere in this room...

[Ian] Yeah?

There's a mummified cat that they found in the wall.

They found it in the wall that was put in here...

And again, shit! It's happening.

Oh, God! I've got it!

Have we been... Has that camera been rolling?

That... I've got it! I've got it on film!

And on.

There we go.

With me.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

- One, two, three, four... - [laughter]

...five.

[sighs heavily]

[Ian] But it was exciting for a second.

Sending love to whoever might be in the room with us.

Still twatting about.

It's going in there without a pre-existing set of beliefs

and that desire to find the evidence.

Any anomaly will do.

It's all evidence of paranormal activity.

No, it's not. It's just stuff.

There's nothing scary about that at all,

- and it's just an entire... - [car horn]

That's another problem with this,

is I've got strangers now

thinking that I actually am one of these pricks.

[whispers] Help me!

[Ian shouts]

Not going in.

Yeah, along this wall,

a woman's been seen loads of times.

Can see these shadows,

and they're all different heights

and it's almost like they're walking in a queue

to something.

Do you ever get a little dog?

[Barry] Listen, I dunno why.

Barry, you've been here for about seven minutes,

and you're refusing to go into a toilet.

- Mate! - Get back.

I swear to God, you touch my arse one more time

- and I'll fucking belt you. - [Ian laughing]

[woman] Actually, do it again.

[thud]

[laughter]

So, if me and Ian

were to sort of try and recreate

how things would've been back in the school,

do you think that might stir up a sort of response?

- Yeah? - There you go. There you go.

It's all right.

[screams] It's a fucking cameraman!

[laughter]

If I could have a little committee meeting

with the ghosts,

I'd say, "Right, look, lads, Ian's running rings round us,

he's taking the piss out of me and you,

he's shouting at you. Shout back at... shout back!

Lob an egg at him!"

The teacher called Morris...

- Morris? - Yep.

Yeah, he's shit, isn't he? Make fun of him.

You're a wanker!

- Sing it. - [Barry murmurs song]

[Ian] No, he's gotta hear what you're saying.

You can't mumble it.

[Barry] ♪ Manky Morris is a wanker ♪

♪ Manky Morris is a wanker ♪

- [thuds] - [Barry screams]

Was there no possibility on this entire journey

that we could've gone somewhere

where we could actually fucking see?

[laughing] What do you mean?

Well, I looked over the footage.

When you were off having your sulk,

and I looked at the footage, and I assure you,

night vision doesn't do me or you

- any favors whatsoever. - [chuckles] Right.

Although, we have beat Ghostbusters,

'cause we've got two marshmallow men in our film.

[chuckling] You've got to do it in the dark.

[Ian] All these weird conditions that you put into it.

Can you not see

how that undermines your argument?

[Barry] Don't see how.

If there's something in there, there's something in there.

It doesn't matter if the lights are on or off.

Why'd you have to do it in the dark?

You're closing off one of your senses

and opening up another one. It just gives them an in.

It's a trick. You are Barnum, sir.

You're a con man!

You are taking me in there, turning off the lights,

'cause you think that's gonna trick me

into being scared.

Because it will trick you.

Things are subtle.

- Things that happen are subtle. - Yeah.

But no one's ever just went, "I saw a ghost."

"Oh, what happened?"

"Well, it walked into the room, it had a pair of cymbals

and a sparkler up its arse, lighting the room."

[imitates cymbals] "Welcome to me afterlife!"

I'm just saying your arguments are flawed.

So, if you're gonna convince me,

you're gonna need more than going, "Are you there?

"Are you there? Are you there? Are you there? Are you there?"

[gasps] "Did you hear that?"

That was it. That was it then.

That one time out of a thousand, that was it.

It would have to do it every time to convince me.

The next night of my life that I wasted...

Was one of the big guns.

Right, explain that, please.

So, this is home to the most violent poltergeist ever.

- [chuckles] Is it? Yeah, okay. - [Barry] Yeah.

- It's a monk. - Okay.

And it's known

for dragging people up the stairs.

Well, maybe it hadn't been working out before we arrived.

And you arranged things, didn't you?

What have you arranged?

I arranged for a couple of people

who've experienced this sort of thing firsthand

- to come along. - [Ian] Yeah. Yeah.

I arranged for the lady next door,

who's a psychic, to come along.

And you also brought

a load of rules with you, didn't you?

- Yes. - That we all had to abide by.

Hmm.

All of us.

[static crackles]

No mucking...

[Ian] Trousers?

- [Barry] ...about. - About. About!

- Close. - No more mucking about.

- Okay. - No throwing things.

No going, "Ah, what's that, Barry?"

and making me shit meself.

Wah! Has it started?

[chuckles]

- [Barry] Two. - [Ian] Yes.

[Barry] I decide who's in this house, when.

[Ian chuckles] Terrifying.

So I can vet, so I know who's gonna be doing what.

- Number three. - [Ian] Yeah.

Bedtime when Barry...

says.

I say when we're going to bed.

- [clears throat] - All right, Mr. Gray.

- Sorry, sir. - What?

Right, is that a sex thing?

[laughing]

- Who's Mr. Gray? - I don't know.

That's my question to you as well.

Is this a sex thing?

[Barry] No shagging.

[Ian laughs] Right. Okay, I agree.

I'll sign that one off now.

What is "bedtime when you say" mean?

I wanna control when we're up...

Right.

...so we can be awake at the right times.

- And try to see the monk. - Okay. Fine.

Number five. We're sleeping upstairs.

Again, it's all...

A lot of this seems to based

around bed activities, doesn't it?

'Cause this is the thing, we're in... it's...

It's like you're saying, "Oh, bedtime when I say,

or we're sleeping upstairs. No shagging, wink, wink."

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

There is something in this house

that's happening, of great significance.

Bringing a sceptic like Ian into this house

is absolutely the right thing to do.

Everyone that comes to this house

should come as a sceptic.

Because I know that, as a former sceptic,

this house has the capacity to change your view.

[Ellie] At first, it was just like little things,

like I'd hear a lot of footsteps 'cause we just had floorboards,

like, no carpet.

Then it was when I was walking down the stairs

and everyone was downstairs.

And the stairs are like there

and the bathroom's like there, wasn't it?

- Yeah. - And there was, like,

a bleach bottle in there,

'cause obviously we bleach the bathroom.

And I was walking downstairs

and it just sort of threw it at my head.

Obviously, like, I shouted at my mum, "Oh, my God, why'd you

throw that at my head?" And she was like, "I'm downstairs,

how would I throw it at my head?"

That's when, like, the movements started to happen.

You know, where you had to believe it.

[Barry] I'm just curious about how you would feel

about going up those stairs?

[Ellie] I wanna do it. But I feel like I can't.

[Barry] So, you see, this is what I mean.

This is what I think people don't get.

- I think this is terrifying. - [exhales sharply]

Ian, right now, will walk through that door

- in the middle of the night... - Straight up.

[Barry] ...straight up into bed, turn the light off.

I didn't know you were doing that little tour

round the house with them two.

You did that in secret.

- No secret. - It was in secret.

And I think the reason you did it in secret

is because you know

that you said something in that little tour

that wins me the argument in one second flat.

Right.

You said I could walk through that hallway and up them stairs

and I wouldn't react at all.

But you couldn't do that.

You admitted it was all in your mind.

It's what you bring to it.

Because somebody previously has told you

there's a monk halfway up them stairs,

and you've subscribed to that belief.

When you go to those stairs, you're terrified.

- Because I've told the story? - [Ian] Yeah.

So, I just won it there as well.

- No! - [Ian] I have!

Because you've been told the story.

There's no ghost there.

'Cause if there was, you'd see it.

It wasn't that... [sighs heavily]

- At the time. At the time. - [Ian] It wasn't there.

- It wasn't there. - At the time.

So then, why were they crying?

Mum, it's fucking freezing, mum.

[Lisa] Oh, there's something up there.

Mum, it's freezing. I'm not going any further.

And obviously, you went public with it,

'cause it was in the papers,

and you would've been a teenager at school

- at the time. - [both] Yeah.

What impact did that have on your life then?

I've people messaging me, like,

"Oh, you're the girl that lied about the ghost."

Blah, blah, blah.

And for the people that don't believe it,

would they really think I'd wreck my life like that?

Just for a bit of being in the paper for ten minutes.

So really, we don't.

well, people who've done more ridiculous things

- to just to be in the papers. - [Lisa] Yeah.

I'm not throwing that accusation at you,

by the way. I'm genuinely not.

I'm saying that...

I don't think the argument

"Well, would I have done that for what I got?"

would stand up, 'cause we don't know what's...

You know, we don't know who you are.

There are people on TV now who do the most horrific things

just because it means they're on television.

It's like facing your biggest fear.

[Barry] Yeah.

It's horrible, but I don't know.

Do you ever regret then?

As bad as it sounds, I'm glad,

because some people would do anything

to experience something paranormal,

and I'm glad that I know, for a fact,

there is a good force and a bad force.

But what we are telling you, whether you believe it or not,

we know it happened. And it was real to us.

[eerie music]

[Barry] Coming in here,

this would've been the parents' room.

And the parents were asleep one night, in bed,

and they woke up,

and at the foot of the bed

was the Black Monk of Pontefract.

And the Black Monk was somebody

who apparently murdered a young girl

and his body was thrown down a well,

which is underneath this house.

In here, I've set up the Ovilus.

[machine] Catch ghost.

[Barry] Catch ghost.

Communicate "catch ghost."

So now, through to what was the teenage boy's bedroom.

There was a wardrobe here.

And he was in bed one night

and the wardrobe started violently shaking,

started crashing against the wall.

So, in this room here,

be using the K2 meter.

What did we agree after the vaults

about the K2 meter?

You're literally not listening, are you?

Apparently, a lot of the things that happened in here

are centered around the stairs.

Now, the father of the family who lived here

did not believe in the ghosts.

He thought it was all absolutely nonsense.

Until he was in here one day

and the door slammed shut behind him,

and he could feel a presence in here with him.

And in here, I've set up the motion sensor.

[haunting music]

[Barry] Where did that come from?

[man] From out there.

[Barry] It's a marble.

- Where did that... - [man] I promise you.

- Where's he? - [man] I swear to God, Barry.

He's in there.

- [Barry] Where is he? - [man] No, he's not in here.

[Barry] Okay. Right, well... [laughs]

- A marble's... - [man] You did kick it, though.

Did I not kick it?

[man] It rolled from over there.

Ah, so I caught it with my foot.

If we hadn't filmed that at all,

and we didn't have the absolute evidence there

that you did knock it,

you would've gone away from here saying

a marble moved and you didn't kick it.

The most obvious thing would be

- that you've knocked it. - [Barry] Yeah.

[Ian] Wasn't even a possibility.

- No, you're right. - [Ian] You get it?

You're right.

Okay, we have guests.

This is Carol.

- Hello. - [Ian] Hello.

This is me daughter, and Eileen's a good friend.

- [Ian] Okay. - And she's a team member.

[Ian] Okay, a team of... what's the team?

[Carol] East Drive Paranormal.

We came in here last night,

and Eileen just does her phone, and she were videoing...

- [Carol indistinct] - [Eileen gasps]

[Eileen] What the hell were that?

[Carol] I saw that.

[Eileen] Oh, God!

[Carol] And we saw this pure white thing

come up between us

and as I said, "What the..." can you imagine,

it's just shot up into the ceiling.

We've tried debunking it,

we're tried recreating it, no chance.

Done nothing white in the bedroom whatsoever.

So, in this room right now,

what are you seeing that we're not?

What I see what you don't see? I see energy.

[Ian] Right.

Which all I can explain it, a red-hot day,

a road shimmering. It's exactly the same thing.

[Ian] So, in this room right now...

I try to ignore it when I go in places.

[Ian] I understand. Yeah.

So, what was that?

I've just been touched on my leg.

- By? - By someone that's in here.

Barry?

- That was ninja reflexes. - [laughter]

I don't know if you believe it or you know it's bullshit.

I do not walk in and say to any of them,

"Ooh, that's there, that's there."

I will purposely keep my mouth shut...

Okay.

...because I'm same as you.

Okay, it's there, I can see it and I can feel it.

You've just seen me react to a cold hand.

Is it me saying, "Oh, there's summat here,

it just touched me. What's it gonna do to them?"

Oh, God! There's something in this room now. Ooh, bloody hell!

So, I don't know that.

Every venue Eileen's been in with me...

[gasps] There you go. That's exactly what you did.

And I just acted it out.

What's in this room now?

What was in this room that touched me

- has gone through that door. - [Ian] Did you feel that, Barry?

No.

So, how does he make the step over?

'Cause this is his last chance, Carol.

There's not gonna be likely for you.

You're never, ever gonna believe,

because your mind's set.

But you know I'm not doing this just to be stubborn.

- [Carol] I know. - You know that

I actually do research this stuff?

But he does what he does,

and he does not need to prove to you.

No, I know he doesn't, but he's chosen to try to.

You could've done this a different way.

And now I have got a man inside of me ear.

And he's Alan.

And he's on about

how you were exactly the same as a child.

You still give the argument.

Don't matter what was said to you,

you argue at the toss of everything. And he says,

"You're so pig-headed you don't want to admit it,

'cause you're scared to admit it."

Okay, and I'll tell him that and all.

He's also on about, did your grandmother die?

I've been given roses or a name Rose.

And he's saying,

"He saw the true colors of you."

You are petrified, but you made out you weren't,

'cause you're carrying this mask.

And he says, "You just want to prove that you're right."

He goes, "Do you know what? You're not.

And you never will be."

He's saying it don't matter what you do, you know,

you're not the big I am.

- Sorry I'm saying it like this... - [Ian] It's Ian. It's Ian.

No, I says he saying that you're not the big I am.

I know, I know. It's I-an. Ian.

Right. And what he's saying is,

he says, "If you didn't believe, you wouldn't be here now

going through all this crap.

This man wants to believe."

And he just said, "Put me up, [unclear],

because I don't give a shit. There's no else to [unclear]."

That's his exact words, and he's saying,

"D'you know what? You're bleeding wrong!"

Thank you. Right. I don't know you.

I don't know Alan, I don't know Rose,

- I don't know... - I'm not saying you do.

Rose could be a referral to a lady that's passed away,

that had roses, or a coffin, in a coffin.

But that was related to my grandmother.

There's no connection there.

It don't matter to me, does it?

I just pass what I'm given.

Nothing whatsoever to do with me.

And he just said, "You're wasting your breath."

Barry knows already.

He's already had the words from spirit.

And you've a lot more to come.

You don't need to prove to anyone about anything.

As long as you know, and in here you know,

doesn't matter what anybody thinks.

This is what you believe,

this is what you know, [unclear].

[Barry] Thank you.

Sorry, I'm waiting for you to kiss.

He's sent the crew away.

So we've got no crew.

We're in here on our own with no crew,

filming it on these things that we don't know how to work.

He didn't put on his rules

we get a lesson in how to work cameras.

What's your logic in getting rid of the crew?

So, if there's a bang...

- [Ian] Yeah? - ...you can't go,

"Oh, that was Danny."

Or that was... you know, you can't rule...

[Ian] But I can say, "Oh, that was Barry." Can I?

No, but if I'm here now,

and there was a bang from upstairs...

[Ian] Right.

...then rules it out, doesn't it?

[Ian] But why would the crew be wandering around upstairs?

Just having a look.

[Ian] Well, if they are, but we could've said

the crew have to all be in the same room.

Not send the crew away.

I take it from that face you've not thought this through?

- No. [laughing] - [Ian] No, no, no.

I've had goosebumps since I've back.

- Have you? - [Ian] Yeah. Yeah.

Had a couple of flushes.

You know where they go through your body?

[Barry] Hmm?

Like a prickly thing through your body?

I've that now.

I could be starting me diabetes.

- [laughter] - [Ian] Could be that.

Feels slightly different in here for me tonight.

[Barry] What time is it?

Five to three.

[gasps] The witching hour. Definitely a shadow over there.

- What? What? - Definitely a shadow over there.

Honestly.

- On the ceiling. - Okay. Right. Right.

[stammers]

- I'm not bullshitting. - [Barry] Oh, okay. Right.

But I think, honestly, mate, don't panic.

I don't think it's anything. I don't think it's anything.

I think, at the moment, what's happening is

we're feeding into each other at the moment.

So, I've got goosebumps all up my arms. Look.

- Look at that. - I know.

I can see your hairs on end.

So I've got that going on.

So, what I'm doing is feeding into you.

What you're doing is feeding into me.

So, we're panicking each other.

Do you think there's anything spooky in here?

No.

Do you think there was ever something spooky in here?

I think it was somebody's idea...

that then...

got out of hand.

Or came to fruition.

I feel a bit uncomfortable.

Why?

I don't like the quiet.

There's a quietness to this that hasn't been here all day

since we've been here.

Okay. Let's have a moment then. I'm enjoying that quiet.

I'm just gonna observe you.

[silence]

Is there anybody here with us now?

[gasps]

[laughs] You jumped!

- Oh, I see. - [Barry laughing]

Well, I don't think... I mean, my hands didn't move.

[laughter]

what has just happened, then?

You just broke your own rules.

- [Barry chuckles] - No messing about.

[chuckles]

No shouting, no making people jump.

I've not done it once today.

Have I done it once today since we've been here?

- Even one time? - No.

No.

- No. - [Ian] Have you?

- Yeah. - So, you just broke the rules.

You just broke your rules.

[Ian sighs]

So, I'm on me own in this bedroom.

This...

So, I can't even turn the light off.

I can't relax.

I need to relax.

[sighs]

[thumps bed]

I'm shattered.

I'm absolutely shattered. [sighs]

I want to be proving to him... [clears throat]

[clears throat] ...that the house is haunted.

And quite frankly, I don't wanna be in the house.

[chuckles] What's the matter?

[laughing] What's up?

[Barry] You're not gonna be happy.

You're just not gonna be happy.

Come over here then, we'll talk. What's the matter, mate?

I changed the rules.

- No! - [Barry clears throat]

- The rules are... - You've...

...everybody must stay in the Travelodge together.

[laughing]

I don't think I've ever recorded anything with you

when I've been this tired.

You don't feel safe.

I don't feel safe in this house.

Well, you don't feel safe,

because you don't have the safety nets

- of knowing it's me. - [haunting piano music]

- [Ian] Barry? - Yeah?

[Ian] I'm gonna go upstairs to bed now.

You're gonna sleep down here on your own.

Yeah.

- But you... - [Barry] Yeah.

[Ian] ...have made an idiot of yourself.

[mumbles]

[Ian] These were not the rules!

You said you won't be in a room,

that you bagsied yourself earlier on,

the one that you wanted earlier and I agreed to it.

I agreed to that earlier on, and now you're changing.

You're saying, "No, I want your room."

- I am fucking knackered. - [Ian] That's not my fault.

- I'm getting to snapping point. - [Ian] That's not my fault.

I'm running out of fight.

I've...

Fine! Chair. Sleep.

[Ian laughing]

[Barry sighs heavily]

[Ian] In the dark.

[Barry] Good luck!

I'm done, man.

[Ian] I played along.

I absolutely played along with his rules.

[Ian] He broke the rules.

The rules are off.

[text notification]

- [Barry sighs] Right. - [text notification]

[Barry] Fucking see? Text.

- [text notification] - [Barry] Fucking hell!

"Stop dicking about. Where are you?"

"Fucking stop dicking about?"

Fuck. I can't see. I can't see.

I can't see a fucking thing.

"Swear to God, if you've gone to the hotel..."

I'm not in the fucking hotel, am I?

- Come on! - [flicks light switch]

[Barry] Oh, fucking hell!

Fuck this! Fuck this!

[text notification]

[Barry sighs]

[sighs] Ian?

Oh, my God!

Ian?

[phone ringing]

[text notification]

[labored breathing]

[Barry] "Breaking all your own rules."

Pick the phone up!

Fuck!

Ian?

[Barry breathing heavily]

Fucking crew! Where there...

Ian? [sighs]

Fuck! I can't see. I can't see, I can't see.

Shit!

I can't see. I can't even see the stairs.

Fucking infrared's all over.

Ian?

Ian?

Fucking door's locked!

- [dramatic music] - [Barry breathing heavily]

Oh, fuck! Fuck this.

- [text notification] - [Barry] A fucking text.

Have you honestly gone and taken...

"I've taken your stuff and gone."

I'm still here! I'm still in the house!

- [phone ringing] - [Barry] All right, come on!

Come on, answer your phone. [grunts]

Answer your phone. Answer your phone.

Man. [gasps] Fuck, that's me! Jesus!

[cries out]

Answer your phone. Answer your phone.

- [text notification] - [Barry screams]

[mobile ringing]

- [burglar alarm ringing] - [Barry] Fuck this! Fuck!

[burglar alarm stops]

[Barry breathing heavily]

[text notification]

[Barry] Texting. What are you texting me for?

"Get in the kitchen now. You better..."

I'm in the fucking kitchen.

I couldn't be any more in the kitchen.

I'm stood in the middle of the kitchen!

I couldn't be more in the fucking...

[burglar alarm echoing]

It all kicked off, didn't it?

It didn't kick off. I just ran around the house,

shitting myself while you went and sat in services.

Not that bit.

Oh, yeah.

[yelling] I tried doing one thing,

I tried saying something before,

and then that will get fucking ruined

by you twatting about with me.

[Ian yelling]

That's the fucking issue!

You don't set something up, or rather you set something up

and then do nothing! When we were at QED...

Let him film. Fucking let him film.

When you were on that stage at QED,

you said, "I want somebody to go in there

and do it all scientifically.

I find that these people, these sceptics aren't the sort."

I fucking done that!

I've done that. I've done it scientifically.

When we were in The Ancient Ram,

and you were jizzing in your pants

'cause the light was going on and off, I was counting!

- Bollocks! Bollocks! - [Ian] When you're filming it...

- When you were filming it... - We're going to

a haunted house. No, we're not, Barry,

- we're going to a house! - Yeah!

- Yeah. - And did I go to it, though?

- Yeah! - Well, there we go.

And when something starts happening,

or you think something's happening,

I didn't go, "It's bollocks!" And walk off.

But you go in from the wrong perspective.

You gotta go in a bit openminded.

I went in with the right perspective!

So, if you're not doing anything,

something's happening like that,

and there is actually something worth showing,

I'm fucking engaged!

But if it's you, just sat in a corner

doing nothing, or setting up some kit,

then the next day you just pack away!

I do everything that I can within my limits.

Right, but you can't kick off like this, mate!

You can't kick off

because I've done something funny for the film,

or done something so there's some content!

You went round the house setting up kit.

Where's the results?

What happened to that kit? What happened?

- Nothing! Nothing happened. - How'd you know?

You weren't even looking at it!

With your coming in with a shitload of rules

and then saying, "Oh, I'm not gonna...

Everyone's gotta sleep upstairs!"

And then go, "I'm not gonna sleep upstairs actually,

I'm gonna sleep in the hearse. I'm gonna sleep downstairs."

Then, of course, I'm gonna twat about!

'Cause it's you that's not fucking doing it properly, mate.

That's why I'm doing things like last night!

'Cause I need to get something!

But you don't know!

'Cause you don't have any of the experience that I had.

You've got nothing at all from the vaults!

Nothing at all!

I got something from it. You didn't!

So what does that mean now, then?

You should be shouting out from the rafters!

From the moment that happened in the vault,

you've been disengaged from this film.

And if you're terrified, fine, but fucking tell me!

And tell them that you're terrified!

You found what you're looking for,

and you fucked off!

It's a shame to end it on a row, isn't it?

Hmm.

Although, somewhat inevitable.

But in conclusion, no ghosts?

[grunts] The vaults?

Apologies. No ghosts,

but we did get to see a complete mental breakdown.

I know what I saw.

There were seven people in the room,

and only you, forgive me,

the token lunatic,

saw a ghost.

But it's interesting.

The interesting point about all this, for me,

is why do you carry on believing this?

Even in the face of all this evidence

that says to the contrary,

why do you carry on believing in fairy stories?

I think it's interesting that you don't do this properly.

Because I think you're scared.

No, I've just got no interest in making a silent movie.

Well, the other interesting thing is,

is that through all of this, you've been setting things up.

So, you've put me in front of

a conference full of people who weren't expecting me,

you've locked me in houses,

you've stuck signs on the car

so I look like a dick when we're driving around.

- You found out about that? Yeah. - [Barry] Hmm.

Well, I've got a little surprise for you now.

Okay.

I'm gonna send you a postcode for a place

to come and meet me...

Are we going dogging?

- [laughs] - Again?

- We're gonna meet there. - [Ian] Right.

And I'm gonna take away from you

the thing that stops you from being scared.

- [haunting piano music] - [static crackle]

[Rokia] I'm chairman

of the Codnor Castle Heritage Trust.

The castle's actually been lived in for nearly 800 years

of its life.

We've had our own experiences up here of paranormal activity

over the years,

so I do believe it's haunted, yes.

[Ian] This is even it?

[knocking]

[Ian] Hello?

- Hello. - [Ian laughs] Hello, mate.

Can Barry come out to play, please?

- Starting already? - [Ian laughing] Yeah.

This is nice how you put plastic bags in the cracks.

Congratulations on your new home. [laughing]

- It's perfect. - [Ian] Okay. For what?

- For what I want to do. - Which is?

- You're gonna be in here... - Yeah.

- ...on your own. - [Ian] Where are you gonna be?

I'll show you where I'm gonna be. Come.

Come with me.

So, this will take us up to the attic,

- which is about as far away... - [Ian laughing]

...as possible that I can get from you.

[laughing] I could go home.

This is pointless mucking about.

So, you're gonna be in the attic?

I'm gonna be away from you.

- You put me in the guest room. - Yeah!

- Can I do it? [laughing] - Yeah. If you want.

I genuinely can't wait to see it.

- [glass shatters] - Motherfucker!

- [screams] Out! Het out now! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No!

- [Ian] What was it? - Fucking something threw!

Something fucking threw something.

[Ian] Something's dropped off, mate.

Shut up, man!

[Ian] What do you mean "shut up, man?"

Is this... Has he said... He was in here.

- Is this... - Is this mucking about?

[Ian] Have you done that?

I've been fucking downstairs!

[Ian] What is it?

Think it was a mug.

Can we keep filming?

Carl, just keep filming.

Nick, keep filming, so don't cut at all.

Do it in one shot. Only one shot.

Just so we can see.

Do what? I dunno what

- you want me to do. - [Ian] Come on.

Go up to where we're going.

Shall I go up?

- Yeah. - [Ian] Right.

Just stay with me. Barry, come up with me, mate.

Fucking hell.

Can you just... Am I bleeding there?

- [Barry] I don't think so. - 'Cause it hit me.

Something hit me.

I presume part of that.

[Barry] What was that? Was that the plaster?

[Ian] It was a mug.

Come on up.

Just so we can see

there's no one twatting about up here.

- [Barry] I'm not... - [Ian] It's okay. Come on.

[Barry laughs nervously] I'm not... If there's someone...

- [Ian] No one in there. - [Barry] Right.

- On you go, look. - [Ian] What is it?

I don't know what... I've not been here!

I dunno what room it is.

You can look at whatever you want on your own.

I'm not having me back to anyone now.

[Ian] Right, you go that way,

I'll go that way,

so we can see if someone's up there.

And you can't run off.

Keep filming.

[Ian] No one.

[clears throat]

Okay.

Back into it. Just go through what you gotta go through.

[grunts]

[Ian] Tell me what you're gonna do.

I'm... Well. I'm gonna watch you on that.

Right. And I'm gonna be safely downstairs. [laughs]

Yeah! [laughs] I don't like where this is going.

This is a nice little setup you've got going, mate.

Okay.

Well, I'm happy doing that. Is it safe?

[chuckles] Okay.

Other than rogue crockery.

I will agree, that was terrifying.

- But I'm holding it together. - Right. Okay.

But I agree, that was...

You're down there on your own.

- Am I definitely not bleeding? - [Barry] On your own.

Something did hit me.

I can see it there, look.

It hit there.

Knew we should've got insurance for this film.

There's no point using the kit.

Because he'll rubbish it all, or he'll muck about with it,

or worse, break it.

There's no point telling him the story,

because if I tell him,

then he'll say that it didn't happen

or try and find a way around it, so that it doesn't make sense.

If I don't tell him, and something happens,

then it's genuinely paranormal.

I'm not 100% sure how I feel now

about him being on his own down there,

because I'm not convinced

I wanna be up here on my own anymore.

'Cause of what happened before, so...

[Ian] I literally couldn't have done it.

You might've gone up there...

You're the only person who's been in here.

That could've been balanced on top of the door frame.

[Barry chuckles] That was thrown!

- Like, that was thrown down. - [Ian] There's nobody up here.

There's nobody up here,

and the only person who's been in this house is you.

I've never set foot in this house before.

It's got to be you.

It's fine, mate. Honestly.

But you knew we were coming,

'cause I had to tell you where to drive to.

Do you think I broke in before I got here?

Or got somebody to get in.

You're doing it very well. Fair play to you.

This is karma and it's fine. I don't mind.

- Yeah. - [Ian] I'm enjoying it.

I'm enjoying that you're setting stuff up.

- That's absolutely fine. - Well, I'm not!

[Ian] Let's move on.

[unsettling music]

[Barry] The biggest point in this is that it's him...

on his own with no one to play with.

So, he can't wind me up.

Well, there's not much he can do other than sit and wait.

Also, he can't joke around to sort of break that tension.

Do I just stand here? [laughs] what do I do?

[laughing]

Well, he's trying.

Might send out a distress signal.

[Barry] So, if he's scared, he will actually be scared.

The neighbors'll love that.

Let's just hope somebody sees it.

The other thing about this room is,

is that he doesn't know anything about that room.

So, I know the story, but he doesn't.

It's actually quite a nice bit of the film, this,

where he's not talking.

He's gonna come through that door.

Or there's gonna be a bang.

Just trying to think what I would do.

He's gonna turn back to the house.

That's what I would do to them.

[Barry] He's talking to himself now

to probably try and sort of comfort himself.

'Cause that room's horrible.

[unsettling music]

[faint whistling]

Is that genuinely the best you can do?

[unsettling music]

[unsettling music]

[squeak]

[creaking]

What's that?

[creaking grows louder]

[knock]

[creaking continues]

See that fireplace?

There was something found under there.

[creaking continues]

[squeak]

[squeak]

[creaking grows louder]

[dramatic music]

- [creaking] - [static crackle]

Feed's gone.

Dunno. It's just cut.

[Barry] Ian?

Nick, where did he go?

[Nick] He ran off.

- [Barry] He ran off? - [Nick] Yeah.

But did he say what happened in the room?

[Nick] I'm getting no sound off the mic, so...

There's no... Okay.

[Nick indistinct]

[Barry] Ian?

Can you hear him?

[Nick whispers] No.

That's my headtorch.

That's the one from that cursed circle

in Edinburgh.

[Barry] Ian?

[dramatic unsettling music]

[Barry] I don't know what to do. Ian?

Ian?

[Barry] Whoa, whoa!

Ian? Shitting hell!

You all right?

[gasps] Fucking hell, mate!

[chuckling] I don't know what to do.

I don't know what's happening. I dunno, tell me what to do.

Is this the castle?

Yeah.

Mate, you drugged me or summat?

[Barry chuckling] Right.

I don't know, I dunno what's happening now.

I dunno what's happening.

You were watching it.

What? The telly?

- Yeah. - [Barry] Yeah.

So, what happened?

Went to the fireplace, there was a noise.

[whistles] Like that.

Was like a crying thing, which I thought was you as well.

And then I moved the Twigs,

and it was gold. Everything was gold.

- What do you mean? - It was like gold.

Everything... I don't know how else to explain it.

I could just see a lot of gold. It was all gold.

All right. Do you want your...

How long have you had that?

I've not had that.

- [stammers] Yeah. - I had that in the vault.

- From the vault, yeah. - I thought you took it.

No.

- You did. - No, you must've... You took it.

- I didn't. - You left it in the vault.

'Cause I dropped everything in the vaults.

And I left that because that...

You did the thing to me, I'm holding on to it.

- 'Cause you took that... - I'm sure you took it.

And now I'm holding it.

It was gold,

and her voice was like...

"And the Oscar goes to...

Ian Boldsworth for the ParaPod," maybe.

[laughing quietly]

There's nothing in that room.

Bollocks!

[Ian] There was nothing in that room!

No, you were scared.

- I wasn't! - You were!

I wasn't scared in that room.

There was nothing in that fireplace.

No. No.

Why the fireplace then?

It's just in the room.

Why did you go to there? Why didn't you go to the mirror,

the window? Why the fireplace? Why not the corner of the room?

You don't know anything about that room.

That fireplace

is what the stories of that room is linked to.

Right.

There was a woman in that room. She died, somehow.

Would've died of boredom.

- Right. - I was getting close.

But people say you can still hear her sobbing.

Nobody knows... Like, she was a bit like a recluse.

When they pulled that fireplace out,

underneath the fireplace,

in what would've been an old wood burner,

they found a small skeleton.

Was it a skeleton of a child?

- Yeah. - Not an Oscar?

No.

- Bafta? - No!

No. Fucking Razzie.

- A fucking Razzie. - What?

There you go.

[Ian laughs] What was that?

Mate! Nothing frightening was going on in that room.

[Barry] Bollocks!

Actually wasn't.

All through the film,

he's mucked around. So there was locking me in.

And he's tried locking me in the house.

And taken my head torch

inside a cursed stone circle in Edinburgh.

Breakdancing in a Victorian school.

Turning the tent round in the woods.

Still don't know how he did it.

But bullshit!

That was fake.

He was scared.

And now, he's saving face,

'cause now he's gonna talk his way out of it.

- Whoa! - [Ian chuckles]

Okay, that's a wrap everybody! Well done!

- A wrap on the Parapod movie! - [Barry] Ian!

- Well done, everybody! - [Barry] Ian!

Well done, everybody. I think Barry's already gone.

Can we get out as quick as we can, please?

- [Barry] Danny? - [Ian chuckling]

[car horn]

[Barry] So, were you ever going to change around

the shots and all that on the steering wheel

in the hearse?

Which answer would you like?

- The truthful one. - No.

Right.

So why do it?

To make me look like a dick?

[yelling]

[yelling]

[Barry] So how did you do the tent then?

[laughs]

- I didn't. - You did.

I think these are the things

you need to work out for yourself.

Alright, okay.

Any thoughts on it?

No.

[blows softly]

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