Original subtitles

foreign

lovely watch thank you

I got it as a birthday present from my

nana on my ninth birthday

it's my very first watch

on my 10th birthday she died

I'm so sorry

and I bet you wanted every day and

you've never let it stop once am I right

I have nothing to say today

may I ask some silly questions then

what kind of books did you read when you

were a little girl how little

when I was all sugar and spice how old

was that

Nancy Drew

and Frank

Phillip Roth

I like to think I'm still all Sugar and

Spice

okay

anyone else

this little

I had so many friends that I suppose

that's why I didn't have time to read

much

one of my friends her parents had this

karaoke machine

we would carry on for hours

our parents were so rich

so rich

they had this bathtub

this enormous bathtub

I suppose her parents used it more often

to get dirty than to get clean

if you catch my draft

five of us

five of us

four friends and me

I had so many friends

we were all so little that we'd squeeze

into the bathtub together

it was disgusting but it was fun

disgusting fun

once we almost brought the karaoke

machine in there with us but one girl

said we would be electrified

that's what she said electrified

not electrocuted

she was wrong on both accounts

once I checked into it I decided she was

too stupid to be my friend anymore

I was so shallow

so shallow in the shallow end of the tub

I babysat a lot

she was I suppose I was a born

babysitter

I used to love giving babies baths

they smelled so good

I also love my dad's smell

the smell of his dental office

I would sweat so much in a hot bath and

come out smelling so good

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

oh you made it oh

good to see you

stress I grow tumors for I love you

Richard you're going to be great in the

movie normal Ray

Norma

has to explain to her children that

she's a jail bird

and she feels compelled to put that

scarlet letter in the proper context for

her kids

so that they understand the principles

for which she was jailed so that they

fully grasp that the reason their mommy

was jailed was to make life better for

hundreds of other people for hundreds of

friends for hundreds of other mommies

with whose children they played

well

I'm a jail bird too

I broke the law when the law stopped

making sense to me when a law that was

wrong was hurting a great many people

I crossed state lines

and I paid a computer hacker a known

felon to track down a domestic terrorist

a man who had vowed to kill a Planned

Parenthood doctor

a physician who performed abortions

legally safely and affordably

a man who also saved the lives of many

other women

and I stalked this man this terrorist

with the intent to kill him before he

had a chance to commit his act

and I intended to kill him with a

handgun

that I'd purchased legally from a gun

shop a gun shop owned by that very

terrorist

but my plan was thwarted

when a security camera mounted on that

very Clinic just a block away

inspired my weapon in the passenger seat

of my car

it was my passenger

I was sentenced to a year in prison

released after 36 weeks

how's that for irony

but my imprisonment led to a Nationwide

outcry

I don't have to tell you what it led to

you were at the Forefront but that

conflagration of protest

flickered to a few dying Embers within a

week maybe 10 days

you know

they used to wrap fish in day old

newspaper what do they wrapping day old

Cyber News

and then you people you people Iris

Glenn people

you began to do a funny thing

you began to sign a petition

a petition that would put me on

November's ballot as a mayoral Kennedy

and I've decided to run I've decided to

win I've decided to serve

three bites and it's back to work I'm

not gonna violate my first campaign

promise only four hours after the polls

close I'll worry about that tomorrow

after you're sworn in

this is delicious guy

to your food young lady sorry

that's not pressure you're feeling is it

real hunger

okay

let's eat

where's Daddy

and he doesn't get back from his

conference till tomorrow

I heard a noise and I was scared what

kind of noise

I don't know

I can't explain it

silence Maybe

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

thanks

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

I'm gonna yeah I'm gonna hit that up

daddy helped me there's a lot of Smith

my favorite waitress I thought I was

your favorite ballerina not says you

were five

you are such a pig I love going in the

garden

his case is texture

with butter without butter

you do don't you

what are you doing out here

are you pissed at someone back there

oh no

now you sound scared

I never heard that sound from me before

I can only recall being this scared once

before in my life

17.

I was 17 years old

and I was working

as a delivery boy at a local Deli it's

still there the deli

different delivery boy

after work must have been just before

midnight

I was clowning around

trying to look like a big show

I played a game of chicken with another

kid who worked at the deli

on the street on the

four-lane Street for the affections of a

17 year old who worked with us

we told her she would have to make out

with whomever would lie down the longest

prone on the dark Street as a car

approached

before escaping to safety

stupid

he was my best friend at the time

I barely knew her

but she had just started working at the

deli and we'd heard that she was

recently dating the much older owner of

an aquarium in the same strip mall

and that he had taught her how to do

things

sex things

I was still a virgin

so my imagination ran Wild

I don't think I wanted to win

I was terrified of what the aquarium

owner might have taught her

things that would make me look

foolish to her

of course she'd agreed to none of this

my buddy had already slept with a girl

so

after he was run over

no one paid me any attention

not even after he had his leg amputated

no one not him not his parents

it was as if I was nothing more than a

late arriving bystander

I felt so much fear every day

after that it was as if their silence

was taunting me

the girl never spoke to me again

my own parents wouldn't speak to me for

months

the only one who would even say hello to

me was the guy who in the aquarium

scared for years

until I met your mom

even then

she knew how to Vanquish fear

and make you feel worth something

make you feel

make you appreciate your full worth

that you're scaring me

look at you

it blows my mind

but I was able to make something as

perfect as beautiful

as you

see the men in that car there

I'm going to be arrested honey

I don't fear Jade

what I fear is that the kid with the

amputated leg is finally gonna come

after me

that they all will

you know some people call me an activist

others call me something else

I think it's a word that begins with c

crackpot

oh paradigms begin with crack pods

Revolution isn't easy

making history legally is hard

does anyone know what this is behind me

it's Vermont's flag not its state flag

it's the flag of the nation of Vermont

more specifically the second Vermont

Republic a movement founded by an

economics professor in 2003. in a recent

article in the New York Times

they reported that the Obama

administration had been flooded with

secession petitions by eight States

including Texas a state whose laws I

find dubious

the Texas petitioned signed by 125

746 citizens declared that withdrawing

from the union was quote practically

feasible

since the state had a balanced budget

and Austin is its capital for crying out

loud so Texas can't be all bad am I

right

the Vermont movement Embraces many of

the same values as our founding fathers

ideals are hard

they're hard to conjure up they're hard

to wrap other people's minds around in

their hardest of all to achieve and

maintain

you dropped acid isn't a statutory rape

charge worse it was my LSD you're

forgiving him he was inside another

woman a girl

is there any left this ten-year-old just

moved in down the block I've had my eye

on

where are you going to get you some

Valium

unbelievable

dad why don't you just pull it the

nitrous that used to calm me down just

fine

and you're gonna start a country yes but

first i'm giving my daughter 10

milligrams of Valium

take this

do you remember last August when Mom and

I went to Jones Beach

to see John Fogerty and Jackson Browne

pathetic do you even know their work

not really

pathetic before we left for the show

we dropped acid

it had been 30 years but

we kept a vial

in the back of the freezer

the show began and I was tripping and I

needed to go to the men's room

that was the last time I saw mom until I

got home

she was already in bed sleeping when I

got home

I have no recollection of how I got out

uh when I walked into the men's room

there were I have no idea why there were

half a dozen cans of spray paint in the

corner of the room

all different colors

oh maybe different colors

there was a simple lock on the men's

room door so I locked myself in and

instantly all of the sounds occurring

outside of the room clicked off they

didn't fade out they just switched off

as if there was a power failure

not even the music could penetrate my

trip

so I gathered up the cans and I began to

paint the floor it looked like a blank

canvas to me and so I decided I needed

to create a mural so I did

and I don't paint but

there were some pretty impressive [ __ ] I

was spraying what was mom doing I'll

tell you what I can remember later don't

do drugs

I painted an amusement park rides cotton

candy vendors side shows freak shows

one side of the park was day the other

was night

and then

she this girl

walked out of one of the men's room

stalls she was 16.

it didn't seem odd to me that this young

woman was relieving herself in an

otherwise empty man's room maybe it

wasn't actually otherwise empty

maybe it wasn't

but she began conversing with me as if

she'd been watching me all along

I described my Park tour the people and

the families in the park but all she

could see in my painting were sexual

things

she was probably high off her ass

I'm not on LSD

she made me cry

she brought me to tears because she

couldn't see what I was seeing in my

painting

she said if we had sex maybe I could

understand what she was saying

and suddenly I imagined it was the end

of the world

I thought of all the things I might do

if I knew the world was coming to an end

and so I had sex with her

afterwards she left the room and I

continued to paint the floor and that's

all I remember about that night at Jones

Beach

she got pregnant and she had an abortion

and she posted the story of her

experience of our experience on Facebook

and so here we are this woman girl

girl

oh my God

oh my God this girl doesn't live

anywhere near Iris Glen does she

and where are you going I'll be right

back

conspiracy to commit murder and now a

statutory rape

your approval rating is sure to hit an

all-time high mom

what is it

they're from my first year of Dentistry

when I shared a practice with three

other young dentists

I worked on kids almost exclusively then

kids were so afraid of the dentist

but I uh I won them over I quelled their

Terror

almost without exception my young

patients hand wrote thank you cards and

letters to me

some said they were inspired to be

dentists themselves so they could grow

up and teach the next generation of kids

not to be afraid of the dentist

most of these are from Girls it's creepy

you're trying hard to hate me

Nevada

this is the real me

please hold on to them for me

who's gonna tell Jude I already did I

Skyped with your sister this morning

I have actually middle of the night our

time

I wanted to get her before she went to

work

what did she say

our call was interrupted

she got a text that a young boy had just

been shot and that she was needed

someplace someplace dangerous

there are so many things I wanted to do

with you

put them on at last

bury him in a Time caps on we'll dig

them up together

there you go again

Charming the pants off me

what a waste

you could have been a great dad

right now tell me one of the things you

wanted to do with me no

Nevada

it'll get me through

why not

because I don't want to get my hopes up

just in case I hate you as much when you

get out of prison as I do now

how's that for a going away gift

foreign

[Music]

what I'm really sorry but I've gotta say

this

you have the greatest legs I have ever

seen

it even looked like you were moving in

slow motion I was in slow motion

I've been watching you for a week or so

a week or so huh

see that guy over there

yeah

who is he

he's been watching me for over four

years

so you're not so special

I am special

what's he doing to the kit he's feeding

the kid

's name is Brett

and babysitting the kid

I gotta make a living too you know

I don't know what the guy's name is

you like tennis do you don't know

anything about that guy it's okay

he's my ball boy

I love the attention

it's flattering

makes me feel like I'm going to live

forever

I change the diapers

who's

you like getting attention from that guy

wouldn't you rather know if I don't if I

don't getting your attention

I know you've been watching

you're really not so different hey

my name's Otto

Otto what Otto Brian

what Smith you're leering at me I'd beg

to differ

I'm tough

I'm tough really

if I let you punch me in the stomach

will you let me punch you in the stomach

[Applause]

ah

foreign

I didn't think you'd do it

ah

come on I gotta get the baby

how are you doing beautiful

I've read Bukowski's women

loved it she danced at the Viper Club in

West Hollywood didn't live up to the

hype

I adore sentimental education do you

ever work I do very well I am executive

VP of Business Development for a company

called think already

no exclamation

Business Development

you develop businesses

like developing photos people don't

really develop photos anymore

do you ever worry that people won't

develop businesses anymore either

okay what businesses hybrid businesses

wondrous businesses destination sites

and that's hard these days thanks to Mr

Bezos but I'm good at it for example we

all know most women love to try on shoes

and most women get pregnant at one time

or another and have to expand so to

speak their wardrobe

so I came up with the barefoot and

pregnant chain

however but it sounds like a one-hit

wonder

getting started in Madison

everyone loves ice cream

and everybody has to die there's a

franchise in New Hampshire and Maine

called Heaven and Hell

that one's mine too is ice cream the

heaven or hell part

it's also a crematorium

it's a ice cream and taurine

that chain is successful

we had to throw in a bar for good

measure

it's doing good

it's coming along

no offense but it sounds a tad easy your

job you think always up for some

competition huh okay

knock yourself out

any ideas

okay

everyone's online these days

and

nuts are very good for you

internet

s oh I like your ideas

I did

I liked your ideas

you want to know something embarrassing

about me

I have a paralyzing fear of the sign of

blood

my father was so disappointed I wouldn't

follow on his footsteps

he's a dentist

my sister she's the video of our family

she is a pediatrician so she's a saint

to both of my parents

I passed that when I see a kid with a

bloody nose

you and your sister get along okay

she's my hero too

she's in the Ukraine

dances Without Borders

so I only see her when we Skype

I had another sister

that she died of cancer when she was a

baby

she was only three

um

what about

bloody movies

you don't want to know

what about your period ah you want to

know I came up a big monthly calendar in

my bedroom to remind me

to be fully prepared

my friends my friends do it online and

what if their computer crashed it's

chilling I don't leave anything up to

chance

so that's why I'm also on the pill

wow

I'm glad to hear I'm on the pill Idol

Breyer ecstatic

do you like to play tennis

you mean a uh a game where you hit

something and it doesn't hit you back

I gotta be honest your name is really

dumb

my dad was a English Lit professor and

thought it would be Noble or funny

anyway to come up with palindrome for my

name thank God you don't have any

siblings

what do you mean was an English Lit

professor

is he retired

he died

six years ago pancreatic cancer

I'm really sorry I'm really pissed

I uh I did want to follow in his

footsteps

be a teacher but I

my grades plummeted when he got sick so

I had to find a job that didn't require

an advanced degree or a um

a degree

you can still following his footsteps

he was a mentor

tough act to fall

so is my dad

he's embarrassed by it

did he suffer much

why do people ask that question

why should you care really

when did that become difficult

do you know the meaning of the word

shopping freuda did it make you feel

like a better person to ask me that

did he suffer much

yes

what does your mom do

housewife

I own a house in Ireland and County

Clare about a hundred thousand people

live there

it was my grandfather's do a picture of

it

I've never seen it

why

I'm afraid I'd fall in love with it

that it would be like looking at

something out of a fairy tale

like

out of a storybook

that's not real life

shot and part of my ass come over to my

house tomorrow

foreign

I'm a reporter with the times I'd like

to schedule an interview with you didn't

you used to write a rolling stone you're

a rock star Mrs Smith Goes to Washington

oh you're good

a medical center

nothing wrong with you is there well I'm

having my annual physical you want to

come with me no I saw that in a movie

Once never ends well

give me your card I'll give you

something

soon

thank you

really

seventeen thousand six hundred twenty

one

that's the population of Iris Glenn

our unemployment rate is 0.4 percent

impossibly low

no

coincidence

Providence no

seventeen thousand six hundred twenty

one

eight billionaires one hundred twenty

one Millionaires and they all signed my

petition

and one of the top 10 constitutional

attorneys in the United States calls

Iris Glenn her home

when my daughter Nevada and I

accompanied my husband to a dental

convention in 2000 in Washington D.C

my world was rocked

you know we visited quite a few

historical monuments

but what took my breath away

was when we took in the National

Archives

this is where the original Declaration

of Independence and Bill of Rights holds

sway

every elected official should be

compelled by law to make a pilgrimage to

the National Archives once a week

at a bare minimum

as a reminder

as a reminder

parchment that changed the world

so here's what I propose to do

my first act as mayor will be to impose

term limits a mayor may only serve one

six-year term and the very first victim

of term limits will be me in six years

I'm through

I have lofty goals to put it mildly

but six years is plenty of time to

achieve most of them or to fail six

years is plenty of time to rise to a

challenge not dilly dally campaigning

for reelection

next in a recent poll it was determined

that 82 percent of the adult population

of Iris Glenn do not smoke

disposal of cigarette butts

it's littering it's disgusting and

you're going to jail for 72 hours

[Applause]

going to get it passed

and you'll also perform 70 hours of

community service picking up sweeping up

sparing trash including cigarette butts

after your incarceration

expectorating in public

why are baseball players always spitting

what is it exactly that they're spitting

and why can't they simply swallow

70 hours in jail

[Applause]

immigration

oh that shot you up didn't it

foreign

buried beneath the green grass you're

standing among flowers can say here

here lies my beloved

ye not know the Desolation that Broods

and bosoms like these

what bitter blanks in those black

bordered marbles which cover no ashes

what despair in those movable

inscriptions

would deadly voids and unbidden

infidelities in the lines that seem to

gnaw upon all faith and refuse

resurrections to the beings who have

been placed without a grave

as well might those tablets stand in the

cave of elephanta is here

so

I'm telling me I should ignore the fact

that your neighbor is looking at my

Johnson

baby I'm reading Melville

what's his deal Nevada

I don't know

he represents the sum total of Iris

Glenn's unemployment rate

he won a wheelbarrow full Lottery money

so he doesn't have a job

he's our talisman

it's our protector

my mom says she's actually glad he's

there so she can keep an eye on him

have you ever met him

none of us have

maybe my baby sister wants

why do you say that

success

my dad's in prison

please don't look up what he did

I know he's in prison

and why

and

I know who your mom is

I'm really crowding you huh

promise me you won't tell anyone your

friends your family

who I am

who my mother is

so how are you going to introduce me to

Otto when he gets here

how about

Otto meet my best friend Darlene who was

once my babysitter and who cruelly left

my beautiful baby godson home today with

his grandmother

I love that kid you're so mean

I'm so jealous of older couples who are

so openly affectionate with one another

so clearly spectacularly in love

you think that's because you're getting

older or because you're presently single

I have to lower my standards I have to

stop being superficial I would never

date someone named Auto for example

I can't wait to get older so I can do

things like that and make people young

people like me jealous

does Otto have any discernible flaws

doesn't know how to say guacamole

he pronounces that guacamole

I think he thinks that's how it's

actually pronounced uh-huh correct him

I think it's adorable

he's a great lover

see how I just cut the chase there

we're both creatures of habit

we only eat baked salmon for lunch

we only drink kale and fruit smoothies

only and neither of us particularly like

to eat dinner

that's crazy aren't you hungry when you

wake up in the morning yeah I eat

breakfast

we both eat big breakfasts

we both like taking walks through Times

Square

5am

between five and six in the morning we

own that town

does Harper like him

he punched me in the stomach that only

means you punched him in the stomach

first you have become so predictable

does Harper like him I don't even know

if she likes you babe

since I'm at Otto I've been obsessing

about palindromic names

and uh

and uh good

he says the oddest things

once he asked me if I thought

there was a finite number of songs that

could be written since there are only so

many musical notes

are there only so many

it made me wonder if that was true of

people too

only a finite number of people allowed

huh

maybe he thinks he's just another

transitional relationship to you

like a snowflake that'll dissolve the

moment you turn your face away from us

that's horrible

anyway you just answered the question

every snowflake is different

so is every song

so is every person

I still Daydream radiant Daydreams I

love your mom for that never stop

dreaming no matter how old you become

there's still so much I want to do

the trouble is

with each passing year with each new kid

I become frustrated so the only thing I

do about my dreams is conjure up new

ones

did you become a babysitter or why did

you become

that might be the oddest segue I've ever

heard nothing it's not I'll just ask my

kids

hey hi

Darlene this is Otto my boyfriend hi hi

Moana jokes

it's nice to meet you nice to meet you

too

oh honey about tomorrow I'm going to

visit my grandma Julianne oh hey how did

your sister go your grandmother's Jewish

honorary Jewish

what can I say she craves giffel fish

she's a traditional sort of gal

her best friend growing up was Jewish so

when the friend went to live in Israel

on a kebitz so did Grandma

that inculcated the concept of paradigms

and Grandma

I'm certain that's how it took word in

my mom

my mom was actually born in Israel and

Haifa

Technically she's Israeli

I don't know how she keeps it a secret

Grandma even enlisted in the Israeli

Army

her best friend who was compulsory for

her best friend

and they're inseparable

he's not Jewish

the Army stint is when she took up

archery

she was so good she was recruited to

train with the Israeli Olympic archery

team but uh

she was retrieving her arrows one day on

the Range and one of her eyes

she was blinded in a freak accident

her cornea was sliced open by the

Fletching of someone else's Arrow

in the end I guess she was lucky

but now even still

she goes to the range once a week every

week

eliminated by anything

stubborn fake Jew

my family's nuts

you're insane

Harvard you have breast cancer

aggressive breast cancer

that's debilitating enough but you're

also opting for a double mastectomy take

a break Lou I need you to help me draft

the Constitution and I need you to

spearhead the flat tax section you can

work with George on that what's the

final number 46.2 percent

margin of error point two percent

I can sell that

what am I saying how soon can you meet

with George

Harper

after I remove your breasts

I've got four more years to get so much

done realistically

am I being realistic

Lou

a year ago you were fairly adamant about

not taking the time off from work for a

second surgery if you needed a

mastectomy what happened

that's coffee

the Ice Cube's water

I'll get you a handheld no

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

I'm very nervous

about what

kind of nice and and kind of weird that

that neither of us have names that can

be shortened into nicknames

have you told anyone about me

about my mom

no

but I really want to

I knew I could trust you

I've already said that the fastest way

to spread gossip is just where your best

friend is secrecy

okay

you want to hear an epic story

foreign

you can't unhear it once I tell it

and you're going to want to break up

with me once I tell you

but it's a pretty a big story

Nevada

been here Mom

why are you reading in here honey the

bulb in my room blue and I don't like

reading downstairs next to the scary TV

when my sister was born I would spy on

my mother while she watched her sleeping

I've never seen that singular Look of

Love on anyone's face since

so pure

so intense

were you jealous

sure

that's some smile mom

I'm going to Washington honey

Friday

I finally got a meeting with one of the

Supremes

ah it's starting that's amazing

I love that smile Mom I thought you were

tired that's my own Uncle Colin died

oh honey

when you love someone so much you should

always be smiling like this

I remember exactly when it was that I

first started loving Uncle Calvin so

much that I couldn't stop smiling like

this

17

I had a best girlfriend

she was a rebel

I idolized her ah

she was a great dancer

she knew how to buy the coolest clothes

from the Vintage shops and she knew

where they all were everywhere like the

people who know where all the best

antique stores are

she got straight A's and she never did

her homework she wouldn't wear a bra but

she wears one now oh shush up

I owned my own car

I bought it with my own money too

so after graduation from high school she

decided that we should drive to a music

festival in Austin Texas together on a

holiday just the two of us

there was nothing she could suggest that

I wouldn't do

so we decided to drive through Salt Lake

City so we could see the Great Salt Lake

and that's where she met this guy this

Mormon guy she ditched me for him

well

finally I decided to drive onto Austin

alone

I got just outside of Grand Junction

Colorado and my car overheated

I freaked out because I knew nothing

about cars

so without thinking I did a u-turn drove

back to Grand Junction

checked into a Holiday Inn

at noon I bought a six pack of beer

with my phony ID

I bought a six pack of beer I brought it

back to my room

and had a nervous breakdown

I never cried so hard so long in my life

I fell completely apart

and so I did the only thing I could do I

called Grandma but she wasn't home

only Calvin was home

remember he lived in Argentina worked

for Lufthansa you even wrote that story

fiction about him being a Nazi in Exile

he played along with his great niece

providing you with elaborate fake

details

and he had that adorable fake accent

anyway

he just arrived in New York and he made

it to the phone just in time a split

second before I was going to hang up and

slit my wrist

well I couldn't stop crying but I got my

whole story out and ended by telling him

and I was moving into Grand Junction for

the rest of the rest of my life because

my car didn't work and I and I couldn't

face her

oh he talked me off the ledge and he

told me to get a good night's sleep

so I ate a chocolate bar and some

cashews and right around the time I got

through with my second beer the phone

rang

in Grand Junction

I almost didn't answer it I didn't know

his soul outside of Iris Glenn

it was a young priest from a local

Parish Calvin found him and asked if he

would call me he said but I needed a pep

talk from a third party I could trust

and that young priest knew his [ __ ]

he gave Faith to the faithless

that was me faithless

it gave me all the courage I needed to

drive home

and that's the first time I fell in love

with Uncle Calvin

thank you

foreign

I'm the middle daughter

my big sister is going to bring a Nobel

Prize for medicine someday

and my baby sister

wow She'll always be a superstar

and my father is dead to me

and to your mom

if you want me to stop I will

you're cheating on me

how can I be jealous of your mother

what kind of threat

I'm in love with you

you'll still make love to me

it wasn't a question

I love you so much

there's something else

my mother has breast cancer

she's having a double mastectomy on

Saturday

and after that she's having breast

reconstruction

and then she's going to change the world

immigration

oh that shot you up didn't you

I'll get back to immigration later we're

gonna raise taxes oh they're going

through the roof and we're also

switching to a flat income tax and sales

taxes will be raised but there's an

upside

Health Care will be free

now we don't have a four-year School

within our city limits but any child who

wants an associate's degree from igcc

will be admitted tuition free

and we'll create a scholarship fund for

transfers to four-year schools

four months of paid maternity leave will

be guaranteed and serious consideration

will be given to some amount of

paternity leave as well

I want all drugs

decriminalized legislated and heavily

taxed

taxes raised from the legal sale of

drugs will be plowed into addiction

therapy and mental health needs

I have to determine how to handle the

traffic nightmare that will occur as a

result

but we'll figure it out

probably restrict the hours of vending

drugs maybe the days too

the penalty for rape will be life in

prison without parole

there are six cemeteries and two golf

courses within our city limits

they sit on some of our most fertile

land

and reside on tracks of Iris Glenn that

could otherwise be allocated for 6 000

living breathing productive citizens

sorry sports fans but cemeteries and

golf courses make no logical sense to me

and I'm going to look into closing our

local post office and building a fourth

hospital we desperately need a new

hospital

School pledges of Allegiance will bite

the dust as will swearing on a Bible in

a court of law these are both fascist

controlling practices antithetical to

free speech and freedom of thought and

freedom of religion and freedom from

religion

oh that's right immigration

everyone is going to want to live here

once all of this and so much more is

accomplished

if you want to make Iris Glenn your new

home you'll have to deposit four hundred

thousand dollars into a local bank and

leave it there untouched for no less

than five years we are not creating a

welfare state

[Music]

we don't want nor do we need federal

assistance no federal roads or highways

currently run through Iris Glen

I had a lot of time

to look ahead in prison

to consider the direction humanity is

headed

global warming may not ebb despite

Mankind's best efforts

if left unchecked the world's population

will double within 20 years

our food supply is drying up

our water supply is drying up

and so is our energy

cyber terrorism will become endemic

my friends

Iris Glenn

is going to secede from the United

States of America

[Applause]

doors open

where were you here late you said you'd

be back by four it's not for Nova for

your mom you're cute

I'm gonna love your eyeballs out for

that

what about Bagels everything Bagels

spinach kale coconut water banana mango

smoothies I'm gonna love you for that

going down on you makes me feel sad

sometimes

your penis is so pretty but I can't see

it or watch it when I'm going down on

you

but I know how good it makes you feel

you can open your eyes

and myopic

when I'm that close it's out of focus

and it isn't beautiful anymore

I love that you let me kiss you on the

lips when I'm doing this

are you kidding me your lips taste like

raspberry yogurt after I come in your

mouth

that's disgusting

[Music]

I'm thinking of cutting my hair short

why

Jesus Christ why because you no longer

feel it's necessary to look attractive

to men you just don't want to attract

men at all anymore because that's one

sure way not to because some married

movie star did it for her husband maybe

your hairdresser suggested it or maybe

just because it's summer old women cut

their hair short oops there it goes

there goes her sex appeal you've got a

boyfriend now it's time for a haircut

what a cliche you're daring me to say no

don't cut him is it a test a loyalty

test okay no don't cut it

are you done

foreign

how old were you when you learned how to

do this

a terrible day

I was 20.

and the guy said I did it so well that

he took me to a bar afterwards to

celebrate and

they wouldn't serve me because I was

underage

so he dumped me out of embarrassment

such a piece of human garbage

you feel like growing up when I'm having

sex

I always feel like a little kid is

getting away with something

like shoplifting

thank you

my last babysitter was the one who

taught me how to get [ __ ]

actually abused

my babysitter was a girl

she brought her boyfriend over and had

me watch

still think it's sexual abuse

whoa

yes

and how's that working out for you

sorry

for hitting me or for threatening to cut

your hair

for leaving you like this

just um change the sheets let me have a

second why

I noticed the famous skid mark when I

addressed you

maybe you farted I don't know

I love you

I want you to do me a favor

I need you to speak to that lunatic

across the street

about a reporter

who's stalking me

that lunatic across the street probably

hasn't left his house since we moved in

here

exactly you could scared the [ __ ] out of

anyone

no forget it

I don't need his pity either

[Music]

um

foreign

what

nothing that's what I asked Otto after I

told him

oh so you're still seeing him

yes

okay

Darlene at the library

I went online and scoured the web

looking for a single instance of a

positive or enduring sexual relationship

between a mother and her daughter

thank you

I couldn't find one

not a legitimate one

not some porn fantasy

not a great tragedy

and I looked for hours

I actually fell asleep at the computer

I woke up the next morning

My Librarian has left me there sleeping

said he didn't want to wake me

coffee the next morning when he arrived

how guilty do you feel

I feel right

you don't feel ashamed of their mom a

lot of people think she's a kook you

know

they do

I'm afraid that she's ashamed of me

I think if you had told me what you were

doing when I was your age

I would have flipped out

I would have stopped talking to you

I would have turned you in

is it even against the law

no

I hate you for telling me

she's alone now

she has left

the first time it happened

for the first time I completely

understood how my dad must have felt

letting your imagination run away with

you can be a good thing

it is a good thing

and the sex is great

there I said it

out loud

and my mom's hot

and she's a role model

and she's under so much pressure

tries to help so many people

and she's a survivor

and one of her kids died in her arms

her arms

and if I can do anything to make her

feel good physically or any other way as

her daughter I have a responsibility to

do that

thank you Darlene

are you on drugs

he's just a huge handful of them they're

in a cellophane pouch in my rectum oh I

don't believe you

for yourself

I know I will

Mom are you okay

I'm okay

remember when I was a little girl

remember what you used to tell me when I

got sick

that getting sick is Nature's Way of

making us stronger and prettier and

smarter

you're already prettier

foreign

sorry to keep you waiting no worries Dr

Ellis I called to ask for a prescription

for me for Valium I'm out

no no why

Harper you've used hallucinogenic drugs

in the past five years and and I don't

live in Iris Glenn

I'll see you on Saturday Harbor

mom stop there and get my kids are

embarrassing me oh I'm embarrassing you

don't call them that oh is that a new

law too

what's going on

I gave you my dance I gave

I gave it I did

I get an ideal

no you don't

why don't you just speech about it

that's the only way you know anymore

foreign

we only have an 80 gallon hot water

heater you know

foreign

you were telling me about turbulence

well it was surreal

significant turbulence

you know the kind when the pilot makes

that sudden scary Stern announcement

flight attendants take your seats

an entire Plane full of passengers all

exhibiting uncontrollable laughter

dog

a dog on the plane got sick

took a dump in the aisle

the sight of which made a handful of

passengers puke they had to turn the

plane around military jets were

scrambled I think because someone

shouted something out as a joke that was

construed as threatening

but that didn't for a moment to do the

insane laughter

that was the only time I thought I was

crazy

to do what I'm doing

politically

trying to change the world

for the better

I'm growing more accustomed to my new

breath

I can touch them now without getting an

inexplicably sick feeling in my gut

name them

my breasts

did I mention Nevada is dating a guy

named Otto

Otto

unbelievable

you really have a lot of pubic hair

do you ever shave it

can

it's one of the Town's new regulations

oh

I'm just [ __ ] with you

does it bother you

want me to shave down there so you can

fantasize your [ __ ] a 10 year old

girl

you're not gonna hit me again are you

I want to introduce you to my Grandma

one of these days

I'm gonna meet her at the archery range

on Thursday

I think she's lonely

she doesn't have a boyfriend

I wish

she's single for life

she did meet a guy on this dating site

once

he told her that he started crying at 60

and hadn't stopped since

he was trying to impress her or

something with how sensitive he was or

some such thing

is it Nevada Smith the name of a movie

a year it took you a full year to ask me

that I knew you know that yes it is but

uh

no that's not it at all

I was born on my mother's 35th birthday

and Nevada is the 35th state

she's patriotic like that

your mom was only 22 when you were born

man I can't get anything past you

oh good one

thank you

keep your eyes open

some of the archers around here rank

amateurs

keep your eyes open

is that a joke

here like this

type type

I'm starting to worry about your old

grandma

she's been going into the city regularly

and hopping on Chinatown buses headed

for Atlantic City why are you doing that

I'll tell you being a passenger on one

of those buses is more dangerous than

one-eyed archery

a few months ago

I woke up I couldn't sleep

I watched Casablanca and I got all

caught up in the illicit gambling

Bogart turns you on huh

I was more of a Claude Reigns gal

what are you reading these days

how do you know I have a book with me

The Secret Life Of The Lonely doll

and Robert Caro's second Johnson

biography

I can't poop without taking a book in

there with me I'm like a little boy

being toilet trained

mom seldom leaves the house anymore

seems like just yesterday when we

couldn't get her out of the library

you're worried about her aren't you

you know honey

when I was in high school a hundred

years ago my best male friend was a

member of The Varsity tennis team

he was the friendliest guy in the world

and he had lofty spunky dreams too

pressure to the toll

he became an alcoholic

he developed cirrhosis his stomach

became distended

his hair turned white it seemed like

overnight

it became a hermit

it was his vanity

not his illness that singed his dreams

did you ever tell Mom about that did you

ever tell your boyfriend that your

grandmother was famous

why because your father was one of

Hitler's 100 bodyguards famous thing

before Andy Warhol made everybody famous

there was Adolf Hitler

I would never tell him that

you're afraid he'd spook easily huh

fear runs in your family blah blah

I used to be afraid of being pierced by

an arrow your mother is still afraid of

failure

you can't stand the sight of blood

yet here I am

your mother's a local Legend

and every month you still menstruate

your father's Fearless

that's why he's a good doctor

that's why he's a good man

even now

I told the auto

Otto I know but it grows on you

I told him how you love archery and how

you lost your eye oh I wish I hadn't

done that

sorry Grandma

why

listen honey okay

when I

I was boy crazy when I was in the army

there was I was particularly smitten

with this one boy this one man

he knew my whole story

but he wouldn't go out with me

only with juices

but I couldn't stop daydreaming about

him spying on him

one day I was watching him across the

barracks from my window

I wasn't thinking my reflexes were

dulled by my sexual desire

the double hung window overhead

suddenly dropped like a guillotine onto

my head

instantly I lost the sight of my eye

that's why I'm blind in one eye

you lied to me grandma

we each have one thing it's difficult to

Stone up to right

I was shipped home to Germany

immediately my tail between my legs

but it was because of my blindness that

I met Grandpa how did you meet Grandpa

you saved my life

he did

I was rushing to the post office to mail

a Dear John Letter to that same guy in

Israel

but because my peripheral vision was

compromised and I hadn't quite adjusted

to it yet

I still can't believe it I ran directly

into the path of A Streetcar

at the last second a stranger shoved me

out of the way

he took me to a nearby doctor

my arm was broken

afterwards he said

I owed him

and when I asked him

you know what form of payment that would

take

he said my hand in marriage

I figured he was right I I owed him so I

said yes

how short-sighted was that was Grandpa

handsome back then nah

he didn't develop good looks until he

turned 50. what a [ __ ] story

why did you think it was short-sighted

of you because there might have been

someone better out there

for me someone better than Grandpa

and I rushed into marriage just because

I owed him my life

Grandma shame on you

I loved Grandpa

I loved his candy store he opened that

candy store when I got pregnant with

your mother

he thought a child would love its father

that much more if he owned a candy store

especially since he was so ugly and all

and

it's so undeserving of me

honey buying love is a sin

especially

child's love Grandma shut up right now

you remember those promotional storybook

shaped lightsaber boxes that he used to

give us at Christmas well bubble I'm

fresh out of Lifesavers

what's up

I'm gonna die soon I don't have time to

waste you've been using that line on me

for over 10 years

it doesn't motivate me anymore

or Scare Me Anymore

damn

it's about me and Mom

something's going on

mom stares at me

now

since the operation specifically at my

breasts

I started walking around the house

topless so it'd be therapeutic for her

but now I avoid her all together

whenever possible

I avoid both my parents

and they're amazing people

they're amazing parents it's

it's killing me

weren't you always proud of your body

didn't she always look at your breasts

it was different before I was going

through puberty then

she's not objectifying me though

I don't think

I don't know what's going on Grandma

I always say

this is a catastrophe

losing an eye is a catastrophe

my father always used to tell me

don't worry so much you live longer Old

Chestnut that I think he was right

that guy at the barracks

when you were ogling him

were you looking through binoculars no

wouldn't that have been ridiculous

Nevada

I've been proud of my daughter every day

of her life

nothing's going to ever change that

and I believe that what she's trying to

do now is

okay okay

let's go over there to your house where

she doesn't look at my breasts it's

going to be held to pay

[Music]

foreign

thank you for picking me up

thank you

you're welcome

[Music]

foreign

foreign

remember during our last session you

told me that your mother didn't want to

have any more children after your sister

died

and that you

decided then for the first time in your

life that you wanted to have children

for your mother to replace what she lost

so what now

some people all over the world

believe in idealism they have lofty

goals

improbable ideals they aspire to be

good altruistic people

Gandhi

Mother Teresa two out of what six seven

billion you have better odds playing the

lottery for most people they don't feel

the need to set impossible goals

for them [ __ ] happens it just happens

Mom anticipates Calamity so well

she just swats it away

and still a boatload of pressure though

some people respond to pressure in

extraordinary fashion

heroically

[Applause]

foreign

thank you

oh my

God you're so lovely

foreign

Birds

beautiful birds

they're lovely

and simple to take care of

simply lovely

simply lovely

I like that

the night Amy died the four of us all

had dinner together

the survivors

I asked if we could go out for ice cream

and my father asked why

and I reminded him that the Tooth Fairy

showed up right on time after I lost my

first tooth and that this was much more

traumatic

when I said to my mother

don't let the Tooth Fairy put you to

shame

or something like that

one of the first things they made me do

after I was

arrested was surrender my passport

my passport surrendered

sounds queer doesn't it

your mother and I really did love each

other

there's a building

in New York of

skyscraper on Park Avenue the medlife

building

it was once known as the Pan Am building

Pan Am was once the most famous

International Airline around it was even

the airline of the future in 2001.

did you ever see that movie was it in

color

kidding

Airlines used to have their own stores

kiosks all over town in every major town

there was one on the ground floor of

that building on on that skyscraper

their flagship store

all of the uh sales people used to wear

flight attendant uniforms

and it's so romantic

so Grand

the day I knew we were in love for

certain

your mother and I

was the day we received our first

passport

what Pride we felt being citizens of the

world we practically sprinted to that

airline ticket office to buy tickets to

Paris

my first overseas trip

maybe you didn't love Mom

maybe you just love 2001 and Pan Am

maybe yes maybe no

the night Amy died I was at a friend's

house on a play date

and the phone rang and she answered the

phone and listened

and then my friend said she died

for a few moments

I was shaking so hard it felt like

forever

I thought that she was Mom

and it was all my little sister's fault

that mom died

and I was so relieved to find out that

it wasn't mom

but I loved Amy

I loved my sister

hating yourself takes so much energy

what was prison like for you

your father being in prison what was

that experience like for you

like nothing

like taking a shower

something you do every day without

thinking about it or remembering it

later

wait once

one day

I thought about when my parents went on

a six-week vacation

I thought about how happy I would be

when my father came home

and became more excited

almost giddy every day leading up to his

return

do you feel equally

giddy

about the prospect of seeing him again

no

why

because I suppose this time I knew he'd

be back

I spent hours

days

weeks of my life in slow motion bashing

a tennis ball against a wall

I wanted to be the best at everything

everybody does honey yeah but everybody

Settles

my mom doesn't settle

I love him but really

my first boyfriend

everyone made fun of him for his name

but I told him that it sounded like a

superhero in a comic book

so

he decided he'd actually write a

superhero named buck

and he made me a character in it

I thought my heart was gonna pound right

out of my chest

what was your character's name

we made

it he was my first makeout session

these older kids beat him up one day

too bad just

bad just cuts and scratches bruised ego

and I nursed him back to health

we played doctor

but you know real doctor

you have the best name

I was always so jealous of your name

Judith

Nevada

ending me

it's getting really cold here I went to

this flea market last week

and you know what I bought

this Boston Red Sox jacket

cool beans

dad once told me that everyone's life

has at least one good movie in it

not mine

good movie is one that you can identify

with

I don't think anybody can identify with

mine

and I can't figure out if that's a good

thing or a bad thing

um making a movie about one's life is

like living in the past

you've always lived in the present

that's where your fun is

I'd like to live in the future

that's how we're honestly curious I am

most people don't want to rush time and

me

I can't wait

did you know what I realized

Nevada

since you were born October 10th

you were probably the product of a

drug-fueled drunken New Year's Eve orgy

do the math because firstborns are

usually late

when you were a mom's first

and you were due

either September 30th or October 1st

so Mom was late

and you know what else

she probably held you in a couple of

extra days

so your birthday would be 10 10.

so it'd be easier for everyone to

remember your birthday

that's how much mom loved you before you

were even born

Jude I'm sorry I forgot your birthday

this year you always forget my birthday

is Mom losing her mind

all the surgeries

the politics

grandma made me watch this German movie

it's called even dwarves started small

mine's fine

she's fine

I am so tired but I love talking to you

thank you

I'll stay here till you fall asleep

the single most painful thing about this

whole debacle

I was stripped of my license whenever I

was released I was forbidden to practice

Dentistry ever again to take care of

children

I needed to conjure up something else to

do with my hands my head

you miss what's most familiar to you

with your your sense of touch more than

Sight and Sound

sense memory takes care of everything

else but not

touch

most days most nights and the weather

you don't care about the weather anymore

it's remarkable the attention worry life

planning we're all guilty of and in

anticipation of certain kinds of weather

weather should not dictate what we do on

a cotitian basis it's a grotesque waste

of life

they wouldn't even let me practice

dentistry in prison because I'd been

stripped of my license

so I needed a a plan

I hadn't read all of the classic books

when I was in school I had all the Time

in the World to read them

what did I do with all that time

do we all take time for granted

for a few days I uh I began to think of

prison as a gift rationalization number

one

so I read books a lot and I worked out a

lot but the books just fired up my

imagination

and the workouts kicked up my pheromones

and all that did was ignite my

testosterone most powerful most evil

drug in the world testosterone

the idea of sex with a man was not an

option so I became a chronic masturbator

so I stopped reading books and I stopped

going to the gym

but after a few months I thought I

hadn't been rehabilitated enough or

sufficiently punished

and those feelings deprive me of sleep

for four days straight I didn't sleep

on the fifth day I masturbated someone

else

more sleep deprivation

is that sex

I don't

think so

I began making deals with God if I was

the bottom for just one other inmate

then maybe he God would let me sleep

again rationalization number two

I began finger [ __ ] myself during

masturbation to get a newer to the pain

to the prospect of pain but instead it

felt great what the [ __ ]

I'm an old man now so no one needed me

on the inside or wanted me on the

outside everyone had their own

distractions

you know I didn't see much rape

instead inmates would conduct these

whacking off contests to see who could

ejaculate the farthest prizes included

cigarettes free tattoos

extra conjugal visits yes the guards

like to get in on the action

well I don't smoke and the needles

reminded me of Nevada

and her fear of blood

and extra conjugal visits

well

that was the first six months

then they made me work they made me take

a job I was planning to retire before

all of this happened

but uh now

I'm not finished

I feel incomplete I will never retire

now

but I needed a new trade my Dentistry

years were over so I learned to repair

bikes

in prison

for six months or so I worked

exclusively with the guards and the ward

and they've moved around the grounds on

bikes and then I was granted permission

iron and half a dozen other inmates to

build a bike path of a lane and to

requisition bikes for for the inmates

but I would have a new skill

that would allow me to get a job that

would allow me to continue to live in

Iris Glen after I was paroled

I love kids

Nevada

I love you

I'm tired

I'm going to bed

me too

yeah I'm uh I'm going to bed too

[Music]

what was it that first attracted you to

Harper

she was the most beautiful thing I ever

saw

isn't that what first attracted you to

Nevada

and was that also what Harper found

attractive about you

are you kidding me no

it was my ambition that was the biggest

turn-on for her still is I suppose

and it wasn't the money that went with

the ambition it was something more

intangible

more

sincere

I was the youngest paid department store

Santa in recorded history

one December I cut School rode my bike

to the local mall and I saw that

Santa had called in sick so I I tracked

down this woman this very pretty woman

who worked at the mall's HR department

and I convinced her to let me stand in

she was much older than I was

but I made her look good

and the woman who hired you older

probably all of 25.

maybe she wanted to seduce you no

I never thought of that

as a possibility

no there was no sexual tension there

I don't know

maybe I missed a wonderful opportunity

probably not

good night Richard

is Harper going to give up

aside from the

girls

the happiest I've ever seen Harper was

the day she threw her hat into the ring

at that movie theater she won't quit

ever

good night Richard

foreign

my mother

my mother was a school crossing guard

everybody loved her

that's why I wasn't bullied

she signed more senior yearbooks and

even the most popular kids

who else can say that about their mother

why didn't she have more kids of her own

I'm about to listen

I need to ask you a question

I wasn't

um available enough for my family when

my

dad got sick

I'm not going to let that happen with my

mom

she moved to Aberdeen Scotland after my

dad died

my folks

loved this movie with Bert Lancaster

about this quirky Seaside Scottish town

she always wanted to go there so she did

but now there's a little bit of dementia

you've always told me how tough you are

I want to move to Scotland to be near my

mom

and I want you to come with me

I'd like to meet your mom

I don't know

Scotland's awfully close to Ireland

one birthday I

I bought our streamers for her bike

a bag of wooden clothes pins decals

box of baseball cards

that's how I decked out that's

that's how I pimped out my own bike when

I was a boy

I couldn't imagine she'd have it any

other way

wooden clothes man

I even painted them her favorite color

purple

but it was her mom who helped her apply

everything

to the bike

not me

can I help

sure if your mom says it's okay is it

okay Mom

what's your name Jenny Jenny why don't

you go pick out your favorite color

streamers from behind the counter and

I'll show you how to put them on your

bike okay

what color were the streamers

wait

you were a dentist

he's very proud of you

I'm not so sure

we're a family

a very high

mother would you please get off of that

thing where is Otto taking stock of his

life he'll be right back

you have a lot of work to do Mom

I'd only be a distraction

it's only two more years

Grandma's gonna take good care of you

yeah she'll probably shoot me with an

arrow

you're not coming back

you're in love with Otto

Otto what a stupid name

and you're going to fall in love with

Ireland

if your goal is to become a seductress

when you're a middle-aged lady you

couldn't have a better teacher than

Ireland

once you're gone Daddy has to go too

really

yeah you want to tell him I need a

buffer

he's not it anymore

he'll be a distraction

to the cause

for the first time my girls will all be

I'll be so proud of all three of you

finally feel like that orphan we

sometimes talk about

the next time you come to visit you will

have dual citizenship

that is my personal private campaign

pledge to you

don't get yourself sick again mom

don't go blind with all that stupid

reading of yours

I'm gonna miss your grandma's house

so much

my friends

Iris Glenn is going to secede from the

United States of America

I'm making it sound

a lot easier than it will be

and in six and a half years or so I hope

my successor will grab the Baton from me

and take the lead

and work at it twice as hard as I will

to close the deal

let's put on a show

let's kick start something really

dramatic something that gets rave

reviews a hit show that spawns Road

companies and goes global

[Applause]

Texas has a balanced budget we have a

cash Surplus

Vermon has a flag well ours will be

prettier and more enduring

and

if I'm elected mayor in November I will

have

2190 days to get the ball rolling and to

find a worthy successor who will not

only make for a smooth transition but

someone who will put our movement over

the top

not American ideals

these are human ideals and I will not

turn my back on them

foreign

hi

got just 10 minutes inside that [ __ ]

foreign

foreign

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