Original subtitles

♪ Summertime blows me away ♪

Downloaded from YTS.MX

♪ And summertime I can't stay ♪

♪ It's not sensible ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ But I'm desperate ♪

♪ I'm a part of it... ♪

♪ What a find ♪

♪ I can't stay ♪

♪ It's inevitable ♪

♪ Though I can't let go ♪

♪ I will never know ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Why does all this get the best of me? ♪

♪ September comes and I am too hot to say ♪

♪ My heart keeps burning for you... ♪

[Peter] This is more retarded than when I got that gumball stuck up my nose.

Or the time I wanted to be the first white Harlem Globetrotters.

And this has got to be more embarrassing than the time

my mom walked in on me

while I was trying to simulate vaginal friction

by rubbing my boner between the mattress and box springs.

[mother] Why don't you go out and play.

It's such a beautiful day.

No. This tops it.

-And it's all because of Erica. -[laughter]

[children giggling]

-[Peter] Erica. -[laughter]

It sounds so much like

erotica.

And it's fitting.

She's a walking wet dream.

[water splashes]

The kind of girl whose mere glance at you

could get your pecker to stand up and say, "Howdy"

and not your normal, run-of-the-mill erection.

We're talking the kind that could be picked up on radar.

The kind you could hang a flag from.

[giggles]

[Peter] Mm... and her breasts...

They must have tractor beams in them.

They pull my hands toward them

like the death star dragging in the millennium falcon.

-[Peter] Oh! -[Erica laughs]

Come on, guys! Whoo!

[children screaming, giggling]

[in an Italian accent] If I had breasts like that I could have ruled the world.

You are in love with her, no?

No, I'm not.

Then why are you sitting so funny?

I don't know.

Don't be shamed.

A man is two people, himself and his penis.

A man always takes his friend to the party

but of the two, the friend is nicer

because he is more able to show his feelings.

Does this, uh,

Erica know what you think about her?

She's got a boyfriend.

Oh. They are not lovers?

-I don't think so. -That is good.

One pubic hair between a man and a woman

can be stronger than the Atlantic cable.

You're telling me.

What is your problem with the bella?

She goes off to college on the east coast

-in three months. -Ahh!

Then you must declare your love to her immediately.

-Are you crazy? -You must.

It is the only way.

Oh, no, no, no.

She'll think I'm a spaz.

Then you prefer to sit funny the rest of your life?

Now, listen, ragazzo,

I will you tell you a story.

It is about your great, great grandfather

Giuseppe Luigi Bendini.

When he was a boy your age,

he was in love with the most beautiful girl

in the village of Cascata.

But thebella,

she did not see anything in Giuseppe.

So, one day, Giuseppe,

an enterprising young boy,

declared his love to her.

He said...

"I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, love you

and to prove that I will always be there for you

I will stand under your balcony day and night without relent

until you fall in love with me."

[romantic Italian music]

So, Giuseppe stood outside that balcony

day and night,

-night and day... -[rooster crowing]

...until, finally,

his love came out to the balcony and cried...

[mimics woman's voices] "Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, I love you."

So, Giuseppe climbed up to the balcony and into her bed.

They made love so passionately

that the ground shook...

...and villagers today still believe

that's what caused the 1874 earthquake.

[Erica and kids laughing]

I can't do that.

[Giuseppe] You can, my friend.

Women are like breaking into a bank,

it takes nerve,

it takes daring,

sometimes, you need a little bit of dynamite to blow the vault.

[Peter] I don't know what it was.

Maybe all the benzoyl peroxide in my zit cream

had affected my brain.

Or maybe I had a strange fetish for humiliation

at the hands of a woman.

I could only figure this somehow stemmed

from watching too many episodes of Julie Newmar

as the catwoman in all thosebatman re-runs.

But it seemed like an audacious idea.

I decided to try it.

Peter, that is so sweet.

I was beginning to think this just might work

when she said the most dreaded

two words in the English language.

But Peter, we're just friends.

-[dramatic music] -[Peter] "Just friends."

The words hit me like screaming lead shot from a. 38.

I want to be...

[gasps]

...just friends.

-[gunshot] -Oh!

-[gunshot] -Oh!

-[gunshot] -Ooh!

[Giuseppe] It's just a flesh wound, my friend.

It will not kill you.

Get back up and fight.

[Italian music]

I'm not going to give up so easily.

-But Peter... -[engine whirring]

I was rudely interrupted by Erica's boyfriend, Nick.

[rock music blaring]

[Peter] He's what I call a gaping asshole.

[tires screeching]

You know, the type of guy that's going to college

on a football scholarship.

But what bothers me most is, he's one of those macho dicks

who's always grabbing his crotch and adjusting his balls.

I mean, what's the deal?

He acts like he's a guard at the Tower of London.

He's got to check every ten seconds

to see if the crown jewels are still there.

[hawking, spitting]

[Peter] And how come every asshole I know has to make that noise?

[hawking, spitting]

You can hear a symphony of those in any boys' locker room.

Is it like a lion roaring?

The asshole who can hawk a loogie the loudest

-is the leader of the herd? -[hawking, spitting]

Needless to say, Nick has been my nemesis since I was five.

[hawking]

[spitting]

[Erica's dad] I forbid you to go out dressed like that.

-Dad. -No self-respecting Christian girl

would be seen in public in a...

-Get in the house. Just get in the house. -[sighs]

[Erica's dad] Erica...

-Erica! Erica! -[laughs]

[Peter] Erica looked more doable than Barbara Feldon inGet Smart.

Erica! Erica! Get your...

[Peter] She kissed Nick so hard

I'm sure they could have swallowed

each other's uvulas.

[Erica's dad] Erica, if you...

[whispering] What the hell is his story?

[Peter] She then proceeded to tell Nick

what I was up to.

[snickering]

[laughing]

[imitating Nick's laughter]

[Peter] And if things weren't hard enough

I encountered more unexpected problems.

Our prayers have been answered.

I've been asking God to send someone

to take her away from that heathen boyfriend, Nick.

-You're a miracle. -Yes.

[Peter] Erica's dad could never have a conversation

without quoting some guy named Zig Ziglar,

a Christian motivational speaker.

Frankly, I'd never be caught dead quoting someone named Zig.

The difference between you and that barbarian Nick

is that you-- Remember what he said,

-have a swelled heart, not a swelled head. -Ah.

[Peter] I wanted to tell him that his daughter gave me both,

but I didn't.

Peter, I thought you might be hungry

so I brought you some cookies I made for the church bake sale.

I wasn't all that surprised by the cookies.

This is the same woman who encourages her youngest daughter, Mary,

to play with nun dolls.

Now say 50 more.

Hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary

hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary...

-Thanks. -[both] Yeah.

[Peter] Now, let's face it.

It's a proven fact

that girls do not fall in love

with any boy her parents actually like.

I vowed at that very moment

that I would find a way to make her parents hate me.

I set Giuseppe to work on it.

[Italian music]

[Mary] ...Mary, hail, Mary, hail...

Go ahead, Peter, try it.

[Mary] Mary hail, Mary, hail, Mary

and hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary

hail, Mary, hail, me-Mary

hail, ma-- Mary, hail, Mary...

Huh?

[Mary] Hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary...

Mm...

[Mary] ...Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Ma--

hail-- ugh...

[Peter] My dad's reaction to my plan

when he heard about it from mom

registered on the Richter Scale at Caltech.

Peter... Peter!

Stop acting like you don't hear me.

Peter...

[grunts and sighs]

Hell's bells. You get inside right this instant.

I'm not leaving this spot.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You stop listening

to your grandfather's nonsense.

He's not all there. Now, come on.

Let go. I'm not hurting anyone.

You are acting like a fool.

-Now, come on. -No!

-Give it up, son. -Mom!

Listen to your father,

-Peter! -This is ridiculous.

What will the neighbors think?

Some of them are my patients.

They might stop coming to me

if they think my son's a pervert

who stands under young girls' windows.

-You're just-- Our entire family... -Dad!

-[Peter's dad] Now, let's go, Peter. -[grandpa] I'm sorry.

[fence creaking]

Oh, oh!

My new guinea impatiens!

-I'm sorry. -What are you doing?

-I'm sorry. -[Peter] Good old Nonno.

I'm sorry.

Whenever a situation

calls for it

my grandfather pulls

his infirm-old-man routine.

He's saved my life hundreds of times.

[sobbing] I'm sorry.

[Peter] The same couldn't be said for my best friend, Matt.

-This is my last chance. -Look, you know,

I just don't want to see you setting yourself up like this, man.

I've been in love with Erica since we were kids.

We used to play cowboys and Indians together.

-[screams, laughs] -When we were little

we used to do everything together.

When you get mad at someone, you go like this.

It was great.

It'll never work, uh-uh.

-Why not? -'Cause we're losers.

Look, we've been picked by genetic selection

to be the world's biggest living proof

that this world is fucked.

How's that?

We lost the DNA lottery.

We didn't get the asshole gene.

See, we're the nice guys.

We're never going to succeed.

Only the assholes get the girls and the dough, bro.

You've got it all figured out?

Damned straight I do.

My parents think I'm going to college in the fall.

I'm not going to college so I can be one of those jerks with a degree

who ends up assistant managing a burger king.

"Would you like fries with that, please?" No way.

So, you're just going to give up?

Yep.

Oh, and I suppose you want me to give up, too.

Exactly. You got to become comfortably numb.

You can't let anyone or anything disappoint you.

You got to be self-sufficient.

I mean, look at me.

Do I need a girl like Erica? No.

Hey, as long as you're going to be here all summer

mind if I use your mailing address?

-What for? -I sent away for something

and I don't want my mom to accidentally open it.

So I figured you'll be out here, you know,

you can intercept it for me

before anyone else will get it.

-Okay, I guess. -Yes.

Hey, look, admit it.

Sometimes, you wish you had a girlfriend.

No way.

Blockbuster, domino's pizza

rosy palm and her five friends

are all I need for a great Saturday night.

Maybe if you're 14.

Okay. You do have a point.

Sometimes I do need to spice up my love life a little bit.

I'd like you to meet my date for the evening, Peter.

You know, I read in Barely Legalmagazine

about this guy who got off humping fruit.

You're a sick puppy.

Ah, the sun is going to make it nice and warm,

just like the real thing.

Well, what about the seeds?

Well, come on, I'm not going to go down on it.

[upbeat jazzy music]

[kids chattering]

[Peter] I amuse myself by watching the neighborhood.

Life is my tv,

and it was a little more interesting than network television.

There was Mr. Mays.

My parents think he works for the CIA or the FBI.

It's because every time he comes home

he drives his car around the block again and again

-to make sure he's not being followed. -[laughter]

There's a kid on the street that's a pyromaniac.

[firecracker exploding]

[kid laughing]

Matt made sure his parents had left him alone in the house.

Bye, guys!

He then went to the upstairs bathroom

to makeamore with his watermelon.

And the guy across the street,

I forget his name,

but he seems so sad.

His wife has cancer.

He dutifully takes her out

for a breath of fresh air every day.

It's a good thing Erica isn't around.

I got a woody watching Ms. Lewis work out toBuns of Steel.

[Buns of Steel host] And pull and pull and pull...

Mr. Mays put in a second lap.

The crazy lady next door eats her dinner in the car.

-[kids fighting] -I was dismayed to see history repeating itself.

Maybe Matt is right. Some people are born with the asshole gene

and some of us aren't.

There was nothing much happening to keep me amused at night.

At about ten, I saw Matt go out to the upstairs balcony.

If he had been in there all that time

that watermelon now had more holes in it than a wiffle ball.

Only the crazy lady was out.

She was cutting her grass.

[TV playing]

Looked like there was something good on TV over at my house

and I wanted to watch it

but something got in the way.

So, I watered the plants instead.

[zipper unzipping]

I figured I should take advantage

of all the time I had on my hands.

I vowed that if I were to become Erica's boyfriend

I had to become the greatest lover she had ever known.

In pursuit of that goal I decided I would become an expert in love.

I started by reading The Joy of Sexuality.

It wasn't the descriptions of the wildly uninhibited Chinese-style sex positions

like the "wailing monkey clasping a tree"

or "wild geese flying on their backs"

that I found most enlightening.

It was the guy they picked to illustrate

all the exotic conjugations.

The guy was butt-ugly!

-[moaning] -And the girl was a babe.

This was inspiring. I mean, if this quest for fire reject could get laid,

why couldn't I?

[moaning]

[erotic chanting]

[car approaching]

[tires screech]

[dog barking in distance]

[door closes]

Oh, good. My parents aren't home from church yet.

I'll meet you inside.

I'm going to have a little talk with your friend Peter.

Okay.

[tense music]

[footsteps]

[door opens, closes]

So, you're still here, huh?

You know, I'd have thought you'd gotten smart and given up by now.

[hawks and spits]

Why do you guys always make that noise?

What noise?

This noise.

[hawks loudly and spits]

I mean, you guys spit so much.

Makes you wonder what you been sucking on.

Shut up!

Oh, what, what a demonstrative display of masculine aggression.

Did you know that such behavior is a sign

of latent homosexuality?

I think it's time you left.

-I'm not leaving. -You want to fight?

I'll give you a free shot.

Go for it, my friend.

[Peter] How could I refuse this invitation?

-[creepy laughter] -I was going to lose this fight

but at least I could get one killer shot in

so I charged the prince of darkness

then I realized my mistake.

-It was a trick! -[muffled scream]

It felt like my nuts had exploded

and it sounded like a pair of water balloons dropped off a building.

[yelling]

[Nick chuckles]

[groaning]

[laughs] Mm, that'll teach ya, huh?

[door creaks open, closes]

[dog barking in distance]

[calm music]

[Peter] I took it as a good sign that Erica was curious to see if I was still there.

[birds chirping]

[Peter] It was important that Erica never see me

flag in my devotion by leaving my post

but on the other hand

I didn't want to smell like my uncle Lou

when Erica buckled under my romantic vigilance.

So, I figured while she was getting ready for the day

I'd pop inside for a quick shower

and some cheerios.

What are you doing?

Changing the locks.

When you finally give up this nonsense,

I'll let you back inside.

Dad, give me a break.

Forget it.

[dead bolt locks]

-Mom. -[Peter's dad] Hmm.

[Peter] This was desperate.

-[sighs] -No food.

No water.

Nice.

And I really needed

to do some low-altitude bombing.

[William Tell Overture by Gioachino Rossini]

I had no choice but to impose on my best friend, Matt.

[jiggling door handle]

[Peter] Hey, Matt, open up!

[Matt] I'm showering, man!

The side door's open!

[William Tell Overture continues]

[door opens, closes]

[footsteps running up stairway]

-[door opens] -[Matt] Hey! Whoa!

What about a little privacy?

-Oh, oh, man, light a match. -[toilet flushes]

-[Peter] Sorry. Hey, where's your toothpaste? -[Matt] Get out of here.

People are going to think we're queer or something.

[footsteps running down stairway]

[door creaks open]

[William Tell Overture continues]

[hair dryer whirring]

What the hell are you doing?

I started reading The Joy of Sexuality.

I checked out the part about cunnilingus.

I wanted to make sure I was in shape.

Mm, cunnilingus.

Yo, you been checking out for my mail?

Nothing came yet.

Brought you some food.

-No, thanks. -Come on. It's good.

[sighs]

[loud whirring]

Sorry about the noise, Peter, but I'm putting locks in all the windows.

I don't want Erica pulling another stunt like she did yesterday.

Man.

I wish you'd give this up, man.

Listen, I'm not so sure I believe your theory about the asshole gene.

Oh, come on.

Look, I mean, it's everywhere you look.

-Hey, you want a taste? -Yeah!

That's an isolated case.

[bully laughing]

All right. What if I told you

that even our founding fathers were assholes?

What are you talking about?

Mm, take the Boston Tea Party for instance,

all right?

Even with taxation

the British tea cost less than the colonial tea

produced by those guys like John Hancock and Sam Adams.

-No, don't do it! -[laughing]

Mom!

-[firecracker exploding] -[screams]

[hysterical laughter]

See, the Boston Tea Party wasn't a political act.

It was an industrial espionage.

It was a scam by John Hancock and Sam Adams

to put the British out of business.

See, even our founding fathers were a bunch of assholes.

You've got a point, uh,

but I've been thinking about this

and I got a couple of theories of my own.

Shoot.

Well, I think you can tell a lot about a woman's personality

from the shape of her breasts.

[woman] What are you getting into right now?

-Take Mrs. Olsen, for instance... -What have you done?

Where did you get this? Is that a firecracker?

[Peter] Her boobs look like the turret on a tank.

Her mammaries look like they could shoot a mortar charge

and blow you to smithereens.

You can see she has the same ironfisted personality

-that matches her hooters. -[Mrs. Olsen] ...trouble

you have ever been in in of your life!

All right, you got a point.

Go on.

-Now, take the crazy lady next door. -[whimsical music]

[Matt] Don't give me the willies.

[Peter] No, look, she's got mashed potato breasts.

Dude, they're so weird.

[Peter] Yeah, right. She's weird, too.

All right. But you know you're just giving me easy examples.

-[Peter] All right. Ms. Lewis. -[Matt sighs]

Her bosoms are like melons that have been in the store a little too long.

You may be taking a chance buying them

after the expiration date

but if you're lucky, they might still be good.

She's the same way.

She's a little older, but I bet she's a good woman.

Okay, now, what can you deduce from Erica's breasts?

-[sighs] -[heavenly music]

[Peter] I've done a lot of thinking about this.

As you can see, her breasts are extremely firm,

so taut you expect the nipples

to blow off like a cork out of a champagne bottle.

I see this as a reflection of Erica's effervescent, wild, life-is-a-party personality.

It's also self-evident that her breasts are on the small side.

I suspect it's going to take centuries for them to droop

meaning that she'll always be young at heart.

But here's something that you may miss

upon a cursory glance.

Some women's nipples can become hard like pink pencil erasers.

So hard that you could dial the phone with them, you know?

These women, I suspect are often more concerned with the particulars in life

like avoiding laying in the wet spot.

But with Erica,

notice how the nipple merges almost effortlessly

with the areola...

...bringing a softness to her nippular area.

I think this suggests a softness of heart.

I mean, this is a girl more concerned

with passion than particulars.

Am I right?

Matt?

Um, Pete, I got to go.

Uh, there's something I got to do at home.

-See ya. -[chuckles]

[dog barks]

[door creaks open, closes]

[Peter] I'm really hungry.

Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry.

The only thing I'd eaten that day was Matt's watermelon.

-I hadn't eaten all of it for obvious reasons... -[door opens]

....so I was pretty hungry by the time Nonno snuck out of the house.

[whimsical music]

[dramatic music]

Get down.

Nonno, what are you doing out here?

Goal!

Goal!

Goal!

-Goal! -Okay. Okay.

-Goal! -Okay, okay.

Marge, your dad thinks

he's in the world cup again.

I'm not cool enough.

She's never going to fall for me.

Standing out here doesn't make any sense, Nonno.

It makes all the sense in the world.

You are trying to make love to a woman.

You must know deep in your heart of hearts

that people are supposed to make love.

It is our main purpose in life.

All those other activities, uh, playing the violin

washing dishes, reading novels, drinking wine

are just ways of passing time until you can make love again.

Then my whole life is passing time.

This is never going to work.

[Nonno] This bellaErica,

she will fall for you.

Impossible.

[chuckles]

Crazier things have happened.

-Let me tell you another story. -Oh, great.

Look at all the trouble your last one got me into, Nonno.

It is about a young navy pilot.

He could perform incredible maneuvers in his plane.

[imitates engine]

Then one day, he nearly crashed.

The pilot went to the doctors and declared his problem...

...hemorrhoids,

a mass of dilated veins in the rectum.

The doctor had them removed.

What's so romantic about this story?

The pilot met this nurse.

Twice a day, she would change his dressings

and apply ointment to his traumatized sphincter.

The two got to talking.

The nurse fell for the young pilot.

Now, if that isn't love I don't know what is. [chuckles]

After two weeks, the couple got married.

And if it wasn't for a swelling anus

the two would never have met.

Now, I don't believe anyof your stories.

[zipper unzipping]

[zipper unzipping]

[Nonno] It's all true.

Ask your mom and dad.

-That was Mom and Dad? -Yep.

[rock music]

♪ They laugh at me aloud they say I'm just a clown ♪

♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ The girls look really cute ♪

♪ They really make it work ♪

♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never could sit still ♪

♪ I never was too hip ♪

♪ I never caught the ride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ I'm on the outside lookin' in ♪

♪ Lookin' in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ I'm just an alien through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you, oh ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger on the outside lookin' in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

[Peter] My massive manhood must have been sapping all the blood from my brain.

That's the only way I could explain my acceptance

of this retarded, quixotic quest.

Hours passed into days.

-[grunts] -Nick and I got to know each other better.

[laughs]

[hawking]

[Peter] I had time on my hands.

I read the entireKinsey Reports

and found out that ten percent of all males

attempt self-fellatio

and that point 3% actually succeed.

I had plenty of opportunity to watch the TV of life.

[rock music]

[laughs]

All summer, I never saw Erica wear the same thing twice.

♪ ...my tongue is hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ Don't leave me hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

♪ I'm just hanging out ♪

♪ For your love ♪

-[groans] -[Peter] And for Erica's sister,

Halloween came early.

-Now say 20 hail Marys. -Hail Mary, hail Mary...

[Peter] My dad couldn't figure out

why his new guinea impatiens wouldn't grow.

-Neither could I. -[chuckles]

I had been watering it regularly.

-♪ I've been... ♪ -And surprisingly enough,

I earned some extra money on the side.

Since I know that you're going to be here all the time

I thought maybe you could baby-sit Robert tonight.

[Peter] Hey lady, did you ever think that tonight might be the night

that Erica and I tried the wailing monkey clasping a tree act?

Erica's father took a sculpting class that summer.

What is it?

It's baby Jesus.

I figured I'd get a little head start

on our nativity scene for next Christmas.

Little Jesus looked more like an aborted fetus

but I kept my mouth shut.

-[Robert] Give me my plane. -[boy] No!

-[cross-talk] -Give me it.

[Peter] I took a liking to young Robert.

My plane!

[Peter] I was his guardian angel.

Sort of.

Next time this guy bothers you all you have to do is stand up to him.

All bullies are cowards.

Trust me.

Days soon passed into weeks.

The guy across the street stopped taking his wife out.

Now he just walks around the block alone.

I hope she's all right.

On Saturdays, things got a little boring.

"What is the sea of galilee called in the old testament?"

That's an easy one.

-The Sea of Kinnereth. -Oh...

[chuckles] My turn.

"Was there any money on Noah's ark?"

-No. -[Erica's dad] Wrong.

The duck had a bill, the skunk had a scent

and the frog had a green back.

[all laughing]

[Peter] Listening to Erica's parents

play biblical pursuit

only strengthened my resolve

to find a way to piss them off and impress my beloved.

I had Giuseppe working on it.

[TV host] Now pull, and pull.

[Peter] Some nights were better than others.

[TV host] Let's get it. Last time.

All right, ladies. Great workout. Okay, great.

But twice a month, I would hear the most distressing sound I could hear...

[man grunting loudly]

The noise of my parents... [whispers] making love.

What's up, Pete?

[grunts]

Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet?

Nope.

-The guy across the street has found... -I have to do it.

-...a lady friend. -I'm warning you, don't do it.

It wasn't until later that I began to have suspicions

as to what the woman was imploring him

not to do.

"Captain nemo walked ahead of us

and his herculean companion strode a few steps behind us.

Conseil and I walked side by side

as if a conversation might still be possible

through our metallic helmets."

"Already, I no longer felt the weight of my suit

of my lead-soled boots

of my air tanker, of my helmet."

More than half the summer had passed

and everything still sucked the big one.

I was nowhere near my beloved objective.

-[panting] -Finally, in august,

Erica spoke to me.

Peter?

Erica.

Hi.

I was wondering if maybe you could help me do something?

Anything.

Well, see my parents have grounded me

and I really want to go see Nick tonight.

So, I was hoping you might help me get down.

Okay.

It was against my principles

to help Erica with Nick

but this was at least a way

to talk to her.

And in that short skirt

-I caught my first glimpse of Xanadu. -[gasping]

Oh... [screams]

[Peter grunts]

[Erica] My God, are you all right?

I'm... I'm fine.

"Never better" was more like it.

-And that's how Erica and I began talking. -I'm so sorry.

Every night, she would sneak out to visit Nick and I would help her.

And every night I would find a new way

-for Erica to fall on me. -[laughs]

Pussy galore, she was like...

[Peter] And we talked.

She was like this tough chick.

And there is no doubt about it,

Roger Moore is by far the best James Bond.

[Peter] Roger Moore?

Come on.

Everybody knows Sean Connery is the best James Bond.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Uh, Roger Moore is the best James Bond.

My God, what was I saying?

Erica's beauty had more power over me than I thought.

I mean, for me Sean Connery is just way too hairy.

And it really bugs me the way...

[with a Scottish brogue] ...he talks like this.

Where's "M," miss Moneypenny?

Thank God they never replaced Desmond Llewelyn. He is so great as "Q."

[Peter] Wow. Erica even knew that Desmond Llewelyn played "Q."

Now I know I'm in love.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes when I'm depressed

that the world is a really terrible place

I find myself sympathizing with the Bond villains.

-What do you mean? -Well,

remember how Curt Jurgens in The Spy Who Loved Me

wanted to create a perfect society under the sea

and in MoonrakerHugo Drax wanted to do the same in space?

-Right. -These guys really weren't so bad.

They were just tired of the war, the politics, pollution

and, and wanted to change things.

Then this handsome womanizer who's afraid of commitment

pulls up in his fancy sports car

and messes things up just to protect the status quo.

I mean, sometimes I wish the world could just start over, you know?

Wow. That's deep.

[Peter] ...nah, I think the blue M&Ms. They were a good choice.

-[laughs] No way. -[Peter] I talked to her more in those few weeks

than I did the previous 14 years I lived across the street from her.

So, if you were to be afflicted with either of the following

which would it be?

-Halitosis or incontinence? -[chuckles]

Halitosis. I figure I could always stock up on breath mints.

[laughs] Okay, I have one for you.

Would rather lose your eyesight or the use of both of your legs?

-That's too hard. -No, come on. You have to answer.

Those are the rules.

Probably, I'd lose my eyesight.

Your face is etched into my memory.

I'd always be able to see you

and with my legs,

I could still make love to you.

[laughs]

[soft pop music]

Good night, Peter.

Bye.

[sensual music]

[zipper unzipping]

[gasps]

[grunts softly]

[dog barks]

Hey.

What's up?

All right, you promise you're not going to laugh?

Sure.

[chuckling]

Come on, man. You said you wouldn't laugh.

I'm sorry.

-Can I feel? -Get off.

Look, I was trying to spice up my love life, right,

and my parents came home a little bit early.

They wanted to talk to me about something

and ended up searching all over for me.

So I figured the best thing to do

was just get out of the house.

Here, unhook me.

Wow, you know, I don't know how girls do this

because this thing was a bitch to get on.

Come on.

Yeah, it's a bitch.

Here, can you hang on to it 'til I can sneak it back it in?

And stop smirking.

I'm not the first guy that's tried this.

What does that Kinsey book say about it?

I think maybe you should give it a rest for a while.

You know, save some for your true love.

Peter, remember that story we read in seventh grade?

The one in scholastic magazine

about the heroin addict who was so whacked out

that he pulled out his eyeballs?

They said that the dude's eyeballs was like hanging down below his knees

-still attached to his veins or something like that? Yeah. -Yeah, I remember.

It wasn't true.

They just printed that to scare us.

Look, it's all propaganda, Pete.

Just like true love is.

You know what? You and me ain't never going to find it.

Whoa! Did you see that point 3% of all males

succeed in self-fellatio?

Have you noticed that the guy across the street

-never takes his wife out anymore? -No.

Anything come in the mail for me yet?

You remember that weird conversation

we saw him having the other day with that woman?

And she was saying... [whispers] "Don't do it, don't do it."

[Matt] Yeah.

Hey, maybe the other woman is his lover, right?

And he says, "I'm going to kill my wife."

And she says... [with high-pitched voice] "No, don't do it, don't do it."

You think?

Well, I know if my wife were an invalid, I'd be that horny.

You're sick.

Come on, Pete. Everybody is.

The question is...

...what's he done with her body?

[laughs]

[hacksaw sawing]

How exactly would you go about

cutting up a dead body?

Well, that's a hacksaw.

Me...

I'd use a chain saw.

[imitating chain saw]

[dramatic music]

[Peter] The next day, little Robert decided

to take my advice and stand up

to the tyranny of assholes.

[rock music]

-[grunts] -[groans]

-[laughing] -[yelling]

-[crash] -[Robert crying]

[Peter] Little Robert was all right.

He only needed 40 stitches and two casts.

But I began to wonder whether or not I should have tried tampering

with the cosmic order of things.

I was practicing my one-handed technique when disaster struck.

[tires squealing]

Nick and Erica had just come back from the lake.

Unfortunately, Erica's parents let her out once in a while.

No, come on. You remember in that one movie.

I mean, that just proves that Roger Moore

is by far the best James Bond.

Erica looked great, of course.

He's all right. I, I agree he's not bad.

But I nearly hurled at the sight of Nick in his speedo.

He washuge. It immediately makes you think of the words "Apollo Rocket."

How the hell was I going to compete with that?

I was India's space program compared to his Cape Kennedy.

Hey, you brought the protection, right?

The protection? Where were her parents?

Where was Christ's vice squad when I needed them most?

[man] Come in, apollo 12.

We have you cleared for takeoff.

[man 2] Roger that, mission control.

We are ready for liftoff.

We have liftoff in ten... nine...

-eight... seven... -[Peter] I had to do something.

I had to abort Nick's trip to Venus.

-I did the only thing I could think of. -[man 2] ...two, one...

♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye, o come ye ♪

-♪ To Bethlehem... ♪ -I don't know why this came to me.

It must have been a word association with "come."

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ He, the king of Israel ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ O, come let us adore him ♪

♪ Christ the lord ♪

It seemed to do the trick.

[Erica] Nick, stop.

[man] Apollo 12, we've had a malfunction.

Abort liftoff.

-[grunts] -I had visions that I could

take Nick out with my expert knowledge

of the martial arts.

[high-pitched scream]

Finish him.

But that's not what happened.

Towering above me Nick hawked the biggest loogie ever.

I trembled, knowing it was intended for me.

Oh, my God.

You stuff.

[laughs] You stuff!

If you tell anybody, you're dead.

[laughs]

[man] Houston, we have liftoff.

[dramatic music]

[people chattering]

Dad, what are you doing?

Having a yard sale.

-This is my stuff. -Well, since you don't live

with us anymore, didn't figure you needed it.

Hey, hey, how much for the Sandy Koufax baseball card?

Uh, what... 25 cents?

That's a collector's edition.

It's worth 50 bucks.

Really?

25 cents, not a cent less.

[chuckles] Sold.

Mom...

Oh, how much for the electric toothbrush?

For you a special price,

-a buck. -Yeah.

-There you go. -Thank you.

Matt, what are you doing?

I use one of these at my grandma's.

If you do it right

it feels just like a vibrator.

[speaks in Italian] What the hell are you doing

-with your boy's things? -[Peter's dad] They're not his things.

I'll give you five bucks for this collection of Playpens.

-[stutters] I'll give you six. -You're not a customer.

-And you have no right to sell Peter's things. -The pages are, like, sticky.

-You have no right. -This is disgusting.

-Okay, okay, four bucks. -No, you have no right.

-Four bucks. -Four bucks?

-I'll take it. -[Nonno] No, no.

You have no right! You--

[gasping]

Papa?

Nonno? What's happening?

-[grunts] -What's the matter?

-Are you all right? -Papa!

Okay, okay. Give the man some room. Come on.

-[cross-talk] -[Peter] Good old Nonno.

He saved the best trick in his arsenal for now.

He was so convincing

I almost believed he was having a heart attack.

Yard sale's over.

[Peter's mom] Papa, speak to me!

[whispering] Good one, Nonno.

[Peter's dad] Is anyone a doctor?

Please, we need some help here.

-[Peter's mom] What's happening here? -[Peter's dad] I don't know...

What is wrong? Daddy?

-He's not breathing. -What do you mean he's not breathing?

He doesn't have a pulse. Somebody call 911!

-Somebody call 911! -Please call 911!

-Nonno. -[Peter's dad] Do it now!

-Hurry! Hurry! -[Peter's mom] Oh, God. Oh, no, no.

-[crying] -Nonno?

Tell them you're faking. Come on.

-Come on, Nonno. -Are you faking, Daddy? He's not faking.

He's not faking.

Papa? Papa, speak to me.

[sobbing]

Oh, no!

[crying]

[Peter] I didn't stand under Erica's window

for the next couple of days.

I figured I was allowed.

My Dad blamed me for what happened.

He said if I still decided to continue with my lunacy

he would continue to lock me out.

With an asshole like my Dad I'm surprised

-that I didn't inherit the asshole gene. -[Erica] Peter...

Is that what I think it is?

Jesus. I'm getting excited

right after my grandfather's own funeral.

You must think I'm sick.

I just think it means Nonno's spirit runs strong in you.

[romantic music]

[kids screaming]

Hey, brought back your electric toothbrush.

-How thoughtful. -You know, it doesn't vibrate as good as I thought it would.

-Here, feel. -No. I'm not touching that

let alone putting it in my mouth.

-I washed it off, I swear. -Just keep it.

You're just in a crappy mood 'cause you realize this Romeo act

is a dumb-ass idea.

I haven't decided whether to give this up yet.

Erica was so sweet today

you could have poured her over pancakes...

...but she hasn't given me any indication

that I have a chance with her.

Well, I'll tell you, the fact that Nick's giving her

the old roto-rooter ain't a good sign.

Nonno was the only one who thought this was a good idea.

Maybe I should just bite the big one

and call it quits.

Bite away, my friend.

[kids screaming]

[dramatic music]

[yelling]

[groaning]

[children laughing]

You see? Nice guys don't always finish last.

You're not going to give up now, are you?

[cheering]

No.

Oh, man, your grandfather croaked

and it was your perfect out.

[Peter] I started reading Casanova.

I didn't know he got syphilis five times.

I should be so lucky.

All the excitement of the past days

has completely lobotomized me

to what was going on across the street

until I saw my man carry out

some suspicious bags

and put them in the trunk of his car.

[suspenseful music]

[engine starting]

A couple of nights later, I had an unexpected visitor.

It was Ms. Lewis,

the pretty divorcee from down the street.

Her body was smoldering like a lit cigarette.

[sensual music]

Hello, Peter.

Ms. Lewis.

I was hoping you could cut my grass.

I'm not mowing lawns this year.

I'll make it worth your while

and you won't have to bag it.

I can't.

What am I to do?

It needs to be cut at least twice a week.

It grows... so... fast.

[Peter] She was coming on to me.

I was paralyzed.

I didn't know what to do.

Fortunately, I didn't have to do anything.

She did it all.

I thought, this might be my chance.

If Erica comes to the balcony and sees me with another woman

she'll be jealous.

Stay away from him. He's my man.

[Peter] Then I had the fear that Erica was just the type of girl

who would enjoy watching.

I decided to put my all into it.

If Erica saw how good I was, she would want me even more.

[crowd cheering]

But I also worried she might be as harsh

on my performance as an east German judge.

[crowd booing]

What was I doing? If Erica sees me like this

I will jeopardize all I had worked for all summer.

I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis...

-[zipper unzipping] -...was most persuasive.

How could I tell her no now?

I tried to think of anything other than sex.

-[crash] -[pig grunts]

[woman screams]

[moaning softly]

[breathing heavily]

What happened?

I don't know.

Maybe now is not a good time.

Perhaps it's...

...perhaps it's 'cause I've been trying

-to get this girl to notice me. -[sighs]

Yes, I know.

[sighs] I know all about it.

It's what makes you so exciting.

-[sighs] -I'm sorry.

[Matt] Hey.

[grunts]

What happened to you?

I tried to become part of that point 3%.

-[grunts] -What do you mean?

[sighs] Your Kinsey Reports.

I tried to suck myself off and I hurt my neck.

Now I've got to wear this stupid thing.

Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet?

-Nope. -What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Something's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

Yes, there is.

See, normally, you would have asked me

if I succeeded in my venture of self-fellatio.

But you didn't ask that.

Well, did you?

I will only tell you

when you tell me what's wrong.

[sighs]

Okay.

I succeeded.

You didn't.

Yeah. Only for a second, though,

before I snapped something in my neck.

Did you know it tastes like roast beef?

Which I actually found reassuring.

See, I always thought that girls must hate giving head.

But if you think about it,

it's kind of like a trip to the sizzler.

Come on, tell me what's bothering you.

I'm running out of time.

Erica leaves for college in a couple of weeks.

I'm beginning to think this isn't going to work.

She probably thinks I'm even more of a schmuck than before, you know?

Yeah, well, I told you so.

I don't need to hear that from you.

You're supposed to be my friend.

I was just trying to give you some good advice.

Good advice.

Why would I take advice from a guy who broke his neck

trying to suck his own dick?

Because I am enterprising.

Ah-ah.

[Peter] There was one thing I hadn't tried yet to become Erica's love slave

and that was impressing her by pissing her parents off.

Giuseppe had been working on a plan.

We were just waiting for the right opportunity.

Finally, it presented itself.

Erica's father and his friends were competing

for some easter pageant contest

one where 12 guys in bedsheets hold a pose

of Leonard da Vinci's last supper

for over five minutes.

The team with the best tableau gets to perform it

at the national cathedral for the president or something.

[Catholic music]

Darn it, Phil. You moved.

I couldn't help it. I had an itch.

We were only two minutes and 13 seconds into it.

We have to hold it over twicethat long

if we stand any chance at all to win this thing.

Well, it's easy for you.

You get to rest your elbows on the table.

Try holding your arms out like this for five minutes.

Erica's father it's not that hard.

Yeah, then, you try it.

Why do you get to be Jesus every year?

Because I organize this thing. I'm the leader.

Well, I'm tired of playing Judas all the time.

Come on, Phil, you make a great Judas.

What is that supposed to mean?

And where do you think you're going, young lady?

Nick got tickets to Lollapalooza. So we're going.

Well, don't you remember? I banned you from going out.

-[sighs] Well, can't you make an exception this one time? -No.

You're not leaving this house.

[Erica] Dad, what are you talking about?

-This is not fair. -[Peter's dad] Nobody said

-growing up was fair. -It is time, my friend.

You're treating me like I'm ten!

You're acting like you're ten!

No, I don't usually do this but it is my res--

Let her go. Or the baby Jesus gets it.

Peter, what...?

I mean it.

[dog barking]

[voice shaking] I cannot have you desecrate the baby Jesus.

All right, Erica, you may go.

Now, give him to me.

I'll give him back at the end of the summer

when Erica leaves for college.

It's not fair you keep her locked up in here.

Why, you...

-Get him! -[clamoring]

[laughing]

[men gasping]

[all groan]

[snickering]

So, how do you think Jesus really feels

about having his name on all those bumper stickers?

[car door closing]

[car departing]

[dog barking in distance]

So, my father's pretty pissed.

Yeah.

You didn't have to do that, you know.

I wanted to.

Thanks.

[chuckles]

Well, good night.

[creaking]

-[rock music plays on radio] -What?

She only gave you a peck on the cheek after what you did for her?

I know. What does that mean?

Well, I'll tell you what it means.

It means you ain't never going to make

the beast with two backs with her, my friend.

I don't know. We've been talking a lot lately.

Yeah, sure. You're in the friends zone.

-Is that bad? -Bad? It's the worst.

Come on, girls don't want a friend.

They want a human piston.

Well, maybe I still got a chance

of becoming her human piston,as you put it.

We're not that good of friends.

Are you kidding me? You're doing life in the friends zone.

-You think so? -I knowso.

So, um, what's up with our, uh, psycho killer over there across the street?

Well, I snuck over there the other night

to take a peek at what he was up to.

-He nearly caught me. -See, I told you.

-I knew it. The guy's nuts. -I'm not so sure.

The past couple of nights I've seen him take several garbage bags out

-filled with something. -Bet you he was taking his wife out, piece by piece.

That's a lot of bags for just one person.

Maybe he was taking out his whole family.

I know I've thought about it myself.

I don't think he has any family.

Oh! It's here, man! [laughs]

-There you go. -[laughing] Yes, it's here!

-It's finally here! -What's finally here?

It's an Orgasmatron.

I ordered it in shaved magazine. Check it out. See?

It runs on battery or A.C.

It's a new era, Pete.

Look, you know they have a name now

for electronic sex?

What's that?

"Dildonics."

Pretty cool, ah-ah?

Dildonics.

It kind of makes you sound like a homo.

Wow.

I never thought of it like that.

Anyway, it's a bold, new frontier, man.

I'll let you borrow it any time you want.

Hmm...

[sucking]

-That's okay. -Listen, with the way things are going with you

you may want to consider my plan of self-sufficiency.

[sucking]

[slurping]

Ha! Whoa!

[Peter] The friends zone had an incredible hold on me.

I couldn't escape its hellish grasp.

So, who would you rather be, Paul McCartney or John Lennon?

That's obvious, John Lennon.

-Yeah, but you'd be dead now. -So what?

At least I'd be the coolest of all The Beatles.

I don't know. He did marry Yoko Ono.

I think people underestimate Paul McCartney.

I mean, he's written some pretty good music.

Like "Ebony and Ivory"?

Okay, you're right.

You know, I don't think it'd be so hard being a songwriter.

-Oh, yeah? -I mean, if you're a novelist

you have to come up with every sentence and every word.

If you're a businessman, your reports have to be

well thought out with real sound financial conclusions, right?

-Right. -But if you're a songwriter

and you can't figure out how to end a song

you just fade out.

It's easy.

Yeah, you're right.

What other job let's you finish it up by just fading out?

A film director.

[Peter] So, it went on like this.

Maybe Erica was right we were "just friends."

So, you never told me.

What's the worst thing your parents ever did to you?

I guess the worst thing my dad ever did was

speak at career day to my third-grade class.

He talked for over half an hour

about the joys of being a radiologist

and then proceeded to treat the entire class

to a chocolate barium.

That's bad.

[laughing]

So, what about you?

It must've been the time I was five.

My dad and I were at the lighthouse Christian store.

It was January and he was buying Christmas cards.

He always does that, buys Christmas cards in January

when the previous year's selection go on sale.

Anyway, I had just learned to count

so I was always counting things,

you know, like the number of stoplights

on the way to the store, stuff like that.

When the cashier gave my dad his change back, I had noticed

that she had given him the wrong amount.

She'd given him too much...

And I looked up at my dad and he had noticed, too.

But he didn't do anything.

He just took the money

and put it in his wallet and we left.

Wow.

It was right then, I guess,

that I stopped believing my parents were perfect people.

[dog barking in distance]

Well,

good night, Peter.

Night.

If Erica had lost all trust in her parents

how could she trust anything?

How could she trust that I loved her?

I was beginning to think Matt was right.

I had tried everything to win over my beloved Erica, but nothing had worked.

Nothing was going to work.

All it had done was strand me in the friends zone

like Charlton Heston being marooned

in thePlanet of the Apes.

-I was so unhappy... -[moaning]

...whereas my best bud Matt

had fallen in love with a robot

which gives blow jobs.

-[Orgasmatron sucking] -[Matt moaning]

Maybe I was the strange one, not him.

At least he was happy.

-[Matt screaming] -[electric buzzing]

My dick!

My dick!

[opera music]

Here, you try.

-It's silly. -So what? It's fun.

It'll make you feel like a kid again.

Now, go on!

That's it.

Go! Have fun.

[music continues]

[music continues]

You know, everybody thinks you're crazy.

So what?

Well, I mean, you got to admit

you do some pretty weird things.

I don't think so.

Well,

explain why you sometimes go out to your car and eat dinner.

My car radio gets better reception

than the one on my stereo.

I go out there to listen to my opera.

What about doing your gardening in a scuba mask?

I love to garden, but I'm allergic to pollen.

It's the only way I can work in the yard

without having my eyes all tear up.

Okay,

but admit it,

cutting your grass in the middle of the night...

...it's a little strange.

With this humidity?

Night time's the only sane time to cut the grass.

What about sitting on your roof with the telephone?

[laughing] Oh, that.

My best friend Mabel lives

just a couple of blocks away from here.

She's going senile, but she won't admit it

and she insists on driving her car.

So, when she's coming over to visit, I go up on my roof.

I can see her back out of her driveway

and, if she makes a wrong turn I call her on her car phone and give her directions.

Voila!

It all makes sense.

Everything does.

It just depends on your perspective.

[air hissing]

This is the worst day of my life.

The Orgasmatron shorted out on me...

...gave my penis an electric shock.

You didn't like that?

No, you don't understand, okay?

I can't get it up anymore.

It doesn't work.

Just leave it alone for a little while.

I'm sure it just needs a little R&R.

Yeah, I know, I tried that.

I waited all morning and then tried it again.

It still doesn't work.

I can't even get it to go to half-mast.

Hey, what if you're right? What if a guy only has a finite number of erections

and I've used all mine up?

Well, what are you going to do?

I do have an emergency plan for such an event

but, uh, I'm going to need your help.

No way, man.

It's too weird for me.

Come on, man.

Look, it's nothing like that, okay?

I got some money saved up and there's this lady on the boulevard, right?

Let's just say she's an experienced lady.

For 100 bucks, she'll do it any way you want.

What do you need me for?

I can't do this alone. I need you to go with me.

Now, I got $150 saved up.

Hey, we can work a two-for-one deal.

No way.

Come on, man.

I'll even take sloppy seconds.

-Just forget it. -[sighs]

I've only got a few days left to win Erica's love.

Even if she doesn't fall in love with me

I've decided to stick it out until the end of the summer.

That way, I know I've tried everything.

Please, man.

Come on, man, it's an emergency.

I need your help.

I can't.

What kind of friend are you?

I mean, you spend our last great summer together

standing under some stupid girl's window

and do I say a word about it to you?

No, not once...

But, then, when I need you

in the middle of the biggest crisis

of my entire life

you don't even consider it?

You're a dickwad, you know that?

Yeah, no wonder Erica doesn't like you.

Take it back.

No. No.

You know what? You're an ass-wipe

and she's never going to love you.

-Take it back! -No! Come on!

Yeah, yeah, take it back!

-No! -Yeah, yeah!

Come here!

Ow! My neck, man!

Come on! My neck!

Get off!

-[thud] -[groaning]

Pretty stupid, too, pal. [chuckling]

[Peter] Maybe I was stupid.

That afternoon my dad gave me proof

that I have inherited this trait from him.

I had just finishedCasanova

and had begun reading the love poems of Robert Browning

and his wife Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

She's the one who wrote, "How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways..."

Anyway, it was my parents' anniversary

and my father made the mistake of getting the wrong gift.

[Jazz music]

[Peter's dad] I'm sorry, honey.

♪ Life was good... ♪

[Peter] My dad tried to salvage the situation

by rushing out to the jewelry store.

[car engine starting]

But that wasn't enough.

When he came home,

he was in for a big surprise.

♪ I saw a change ♪

♪ In the heart of love ♪

♪ Under a liar's moon... ♪

Honey, come on, let me in, please?

Sweetheart, I, I got you another present, see?

♪ You tell me that you love me ♪

♪ But you don't get my style ♪

♪ You just don't care ♪

♪ And I care too much ♪

♪ I'm under a liar's... ♪

May I join you?

Guess so.

[Peter] I always thought my dad was pretty lame.

What did it say about me now that my dad was using my strategy to win Erica

to score points with mom?

[dog barking in distance]

I hoped my dad would have more luck with my mom

than I was having with Erica.

He was beginning to get on my nerves.

You ever tried that one on Mom?

No.

How about that?

No.

You've been married 18 years, you haven't tried that?

Uh, that area's a big mystery to me.

I've, I've never been able to figure it out.

No wonder she's so mad at you.

Do you really think she wants that?

Of course, she does.

You read what the book says.

Thanks, Peter.

[soft music]

[sensual music]

[thudding]

[glass shatters]

[moans]

[moaning passionately]

[moaning continues]

[louder moaning]

[Peter] Jesus Christ!

Now even my dad was getting more action than I was.

[car door closes]

Hey-ho, Peter.

[humming]

-What's this? -This is breakfast.

But I thought that...

Look, I was all wrong about all this.

I'm... I'm very sorry.

Oh, and, uh, here's a copy of the house key.

You can come back inside anytime you want.

Thanks.

[sighing]

And, son...

I love you.

[Peter] You know the sad man across the street?

You know, the one who pushes his wife around

in the wheelchair all the time?

Well, I don't see her around there anymore,

like she's, she's gone.

And I've been watching them all summer

and secretly, he's been taking things

in and out of the house.

Wait, so you think he killed his wife?

Yeah.

That's bull.

-I don't believe that. -Yeah?

Well, why don't you go over there

and check it out?

'Cause I got better things to do

than prowl around some guy's backyard.

I dare you to go.

Oh, I'm not going over there.

I almost got caught last time.

I dare you both.

Look, we'll all go.

[Peter] So, we crossed the street

to find out what happened to the man's wife.

Making sure we didn't get run over by Mr. Mays.

-[whispers] It's locked. Come on. -Erica, wait.

All right, all right.

-No, don't open the door, don't. -It's unlocked.

[ominous music]

-Go... -[man clears throat]

I knew you'd come back.

You want to see what's inside?

Want to see what I've done?

I'll show you what I've done.

[whimpering]

-No, no, no! No, no. -No! No! No!

[vehicle approaches]

[thudding]

[groaning]

-Please, no... -You've been waiting all summer long.

-[Erica] Relax, relax. -[Peter] No, we haven't.

No. Let us go.

Come on, we didn't do anything!

-Get in the swimming pool. -[cross-talk]

[Erica screams]

[shrieks]

[hearty laughter]

This... this is what I've done.

You built a swimming pool in your living room?

No, not just a swimming pool.

[tropical music playing]

[man] I built paradise.

A tropical... paradise.

Honey...

What's going on?

Nothing, my dear.

Just some guests.

My wife and I...

...wanted to go back to Tahiti

for our second honeymoon.

But then...

...she got so sick...

...she really loves the water, you see?

I wanted to build a pool in our backyard,

but the city wouldn't give me the permit in time.

So...

I built it here, secret.

For her...

So that my love and I...

...can go back to paradise.

You won't tell anyone, will you?

"Where the apple reddens, never pry

lest we lose our Edens, Eve and I."

[soft rock music]

Hi.

Hi.

So, listen, um... I'm leaving tomorrow.

Where you going?

You're not going to believe this

but, uh, I decided I'm going to go to college.

Right.

Good.

Erica's leaving for college, too.

Uh-huh.

Where is she?

She's with Nick.

He broke his leg.

-Too bad. -Yeah.

Lost his football scholarship.

Mm, like I said, too bad.

[chuckles]

So, um, I guess I won't be seeing you around.

No, um... I guess not.

Peter, listen...

...I, I was kind of hoping that

we could spend my last day here together.

Elliot's having this party

and I thought, you know, maybe we could go.

Sounds good...

...but what if Erica,

-you know...? -Yeah. Erica.

Well, I'll, um, I'll see you.

Screw Erica.

What?

I said

screw Erica.

I mean, if she's not willing to give me a chance by now then she's nuts.

No other man would go through what I did for her.

If that love isn't good enough for her, well, so be it.

I mean, there are plenty of other beautiful

mature women that want me.

I even passed up a night with Ms. Lewis for Erica.

You passed up "melon breasts" Lewis?

If she doesn't love me by now, then I don't love her.

Besides, she even thinks Roger Moore

is the best James Bond.

Huh?

Come on, let's go.

All right.

[Matt] So, listen, did I, uh, tell you

I revised my theory on self-sufficiency?

I'm against it now. It's a little lonely.

Peter? Peter, I need to talk to you.

Peter?

[dog barking]

Peter?

[calm music]

[Ms. Lewis] Hi, Peter.

[Peter] Hi, Ms. Lewis.

What have you boys been up to?

[Peter] Well,

we just got back from a party.

Now everybody's going off for college

so it was the last hurrah.

Oh. Sounds like fun.

Would you boys like to come in for a cup of

hot cocoa?

Uh... No, thanks.

This is my friend, Matt.

Ah-ah.

Hi!

Hi.

I would, uh,

love a cup of cocoa.

♪ ...but I can't get you out of my heart ♪

♪ Come on in ♪

♪ When the birds sing all about you ♪

♪ The saddest harmony ♪

♪ Is always to part... ♪

Ah-ah.

♪ ...with you ♪

♪ You change everything that's blue... ♪

[Matt] It works.

It actually works!

Ah-ah!

It works!

[music fades]

Erica?

Peter.

I missed you.

["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven]

[music intensifies]

[music continues]

[rattling]

[Peter] So, that's my story.

It's all true

give or take a few minor details.

My grandfather was right.

I now know in my heart of hearts

that people are supposed to make love.

It is our main purpose in life.

All those other activities,

playing the violin, washing dishes

reading novels, drinking wine,

are just ways of passing time until you can make love again.

["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven]

["On The Outside" by Oingo Boingo]

♪ They laugh at me aloud ♪

♪ They say I'm just a clown ♪

♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ The girls look really cute ♪

♪ They really make it work ♪

♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never could sit still ♪

♪ I never was too hip ♪

♪ I never caught the ride ♪

♪ I'm on the outside I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ Right here ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I never was a punk ♪

♪ I never shot junk I never even tried ♪

♪ Counter culture passed me right by ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ Don't talk to debutantes ♪

♪ Don't eat in restaurants ♪

♪ The patrons sit and stare ♪

♪ The waiters make wisecracks behind my back ♪

♪ The teachers there in school They flunked me by the rule ♪

♪ They say I had no motivation brains or dedication ♪

♪ I guess the imbeciles were right ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ Looking in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ Just an alien through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger on the outside looking in ♪

♪ Disco makes me sick ♪

♪ I wear the wrong clothes ♪

♪ I say the wrong things ♪

♪ You know I can't dance my feet are much too wide ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ You think you set the trends ♪

♪ You wear your hair just right ♪

♪ Your clothes are out of sight ♪

♪ Your house is modern early kitsch ♪

♪ You get so macho when you're with your bitch ♪

♪ I see them go to work I see them go to sleep ♪

♪ I see them on TV ♪

♪ I see them laugh and cry ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside... ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ This is where it all begins ♪

♪ On the outside looking in ♪

♪ Looking in ♪

♪ At you ♪

♪ Just an alien through and through ♪

♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you ♪

♪ Tryin' to fit ♪

♪ Just a stranger on the outside looking in ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪

♪ I'm on the outside ♪

♪ I'm on the outside now ♪