Original subtitles

♪

(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪

♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪

♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪

♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪

♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪

♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪

♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪

♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

(woman sighs)

OKAY, WHAT'S THE DEAL?

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT WHEN I DO THIS.

YOU'RE A MAESTRO. THAT'S NOT IT.

THEN WHAT?

(sighs) OH, GOD.

ABIGAIL, I... I'M A FRAUD.

I'VE LED YOU TO BELIEVE I'M SOMETHING I'M NOT.

MANY THINGS I'M NOT.

I'M NOT SIMPLE. I'M NOT HULKING.

I'M NOT EVEN A LESBIAN. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND BACK IN PALO ALTO.

WHAT?! I'M NOT DONE.

I AM A DAMN GOOD BEACH VOLLEYBALL PLAYER,

AND I'VE GOT EVEN BETTER OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS--

GOOD ENOUGH TO TURN PRO.

HOWEVER, I'M ALSO A PhD CANDIDATE AT STANFORD.

AND I'VE BEEN LIVING AN ASSUMED LIFE

SO I COULD WRITE MY DOCTORAL THESIS

ABOUT A WOMAN LIVING AN ASSUMED LIFE.

WHAT?! I'M NOT DONE. THE ASSUMED IDENTIFY

WAS TO GIVE ME THE FREEDOM TO GAGE HOW PEOPLE WOULD REACT

TO THIS ODD PERSON I CREATED. (sighs)

BUT I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT THROUGH THE ENDING,

WHICH IS WHERE I AM NOW, AND WHERE I AM NOW

IS VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU, ABIGAIL.

AND...

I JUST WANNA BE WITH YOU...

(scoffs)

NO MATTER WHO I AM.

H-HOLD ON.

HOLD ON.

YOU'RE NOT SOME MONOSYLLABIC FREAK OF NATURE?

NO.

AND YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME,

DECEIVING ME WITH THIS ELABORATE TWISTED PERSONA?

YES. (sighs)

WH--

OH.

(grunts)

INTERESTING.

I MEAN, I ONLY REALLY PUT UP WITH HOW BIZARRE YOU WERE

BECAUSE YOU WERE KILLER IN BED. BUT THIS?

THIS MEANS WE CAN ACTUALLY TALK.

WHAT? YOU AREN'T FILLED WITH CONTEMPT AND DISMISSAL

FOR THE BETRAYAL OF YOUR HEART?

OH, SEE, I AM SO DIGGING

THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH STUFF LIKE THAT.

OKAY, NOW THIS WHOLE...

YOU LOVE ME THING,

YOU FOR REAL? COMPLETELY.

(chuckles) YEAH.

MM. SMALL WORLD,

BECAUSE... (sighs)

MAYBE I LOVE YOU, TOO.

"FILLED THE CONTEMPT AND DISMISSAL

FOR THE BETRAYAL OF YOUR HEART."

(chuckles)

THAT SHIT ROCKS.

(knock on door)

HEY.

WHAT A SURPRISE.

CAN I COME IN?

YEAH. YEAH. SURE. COME ON IN.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

ARE YOU KIDDIN'? SCOTCH.

(chuckles) ALL RIGHT.

SO, UH...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

FACT IS, I STINK AT SMALL TALK.

YOU? NO. (sets down bottle)

MICHAEL,

I CAME OVER BECAUSE I'M CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE OFF YOUR GAME.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I CAN'T GO INTO IT. (chuckles) DON'T HAVE TO.

WHAT? THERE ARE NO SECRETS BETWEEN JOCE AND HER MOTHER,

BUT... (laughs)

IT WOULDN'T KILL IF THEY JUST HAD A FEW.

SO WHO'S THIS COP?

MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE JOCE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

MICHAEL, A LOT OF GUYS HAVE... THINGS

THAT HAPPEN IN THEIR LIVES.

WE'RE MEN.

WE'RE LIBIDOS IN 3-PIECE SUITS. (chuckles)

TALK TO ME.

HER NAME IS LIZ.

I WAS HANGING UPSIDE-DOWN IN MY CAR, DYING,

AND SUDDENLY SHE WAS THERE SAVING ME.

IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME WE ACTUALLY GOT ALONG.

WE'RE LIKE--LIKE MOLECULES IN CHAOS.

IT'S INSANE BETWEEN US.

(chuckles) I BLEW IT, ARTHUR.

I BLEW IT.

LIZ--MOVING IN WITH SOME GUY NAMED HIGHWAY.

HIGHWAY? (laughs) HIGHWAY.

I ALWAYS WANTED A COOL NAME LIKE THAT.

MY POP ALWAYS SAYS,

"WHEN YOU'RE UNHAPPY,

THE BEST STRATEGY IS TO LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY."

I TOLD HIM THAT WAS A CLICHE. YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS?

HE SAYS, "MIKEY, ONE MAN'S CLICHE IS ANOTHER MAN'S GOD.

I TRIED CALLING HIM EARLIER.

HE'S OFF BUYING SOME FLOATING CASINO IN FRANCE.

AHH.

I COULD REALLY USE SOME ADVICE.

(laughs)

WELL I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN A LONG TIME,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS.

BUT IN THIS LIFE,

YOU NEED A WOMAN WHO CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU

AND POINTS IT OUT.

A LOT OF STUFF IS HIDDEN WAY DOWN DEEP INSIDE EVERY MAN,

UNDERNEATH THE HEARTACHE AND CIGAR SMOKE,

IT GETS IGNORED IN A WAY.

EH.

MAYBE I'M JUST OVERTHINKING IT.

POP ALWAYS SAYS, "LET YOUR DICK LEAD THE WAY."

(chuckles)

WELL, WITH HIS ALIMONY, HE SHOULD KNOW.

(both laugh)

WELL, I GOTTA HEAD BACK. MM.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOUR HEAD WASN'T IN THE OVEN.

AH. THANKS FOR CHECKING UP ON ME.

YOU'RE MY BEST ATTORNEY. YOU UNRAVEL, I'M SCREWED.

(chuckles) SO DON'T.

I WON'T.

AND, ARTHUR, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

I DO LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER. IT'S JUST...

I KNOW.

PEOPLE AREN'T SIMPLE, MICHAEL,

BUT IT MAKES IT ALL WORTH SHOWING UP FOR.

MM.

(sighs)

WE NEVER LOST IT, DID WE?

MM.

'WHATEVER LOVE IS INFINITE."

WILLIAM BLAKE.

YOU GAVE ME THAT BOOK ON MY 25th BIRTHDAY.

I REMEMBER. YOSEMITE.

(laughs) THAT WAS A GREAT WEEKEND.

(chuckles)

EXCEPT FOR THAT DAMN BEAR.

(laughs) I KNOW.

MM.

HIGHWAY?

YEAH? I'VE NEVER LIVED WITH A GUY.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. WE JUST, UM...

TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.

(chuckles)

I NEVER SAW THAT AS A KID.

NEITHER DID IT. BUT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE, BABY.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

(chuckles)

YOU ALWAYS HAVE A WAY OF MAKING ME FEEL OKAY.

IT'S JUST THAT, I...

I'M NOT EASY TO LIVE WITH.

WAIT. ARE YOU TRYING TO TALK YOU OUT OF THIS OR ME?

MM. JUST TALKING.

MM. SO YOU NEVER TOLD ME. HOW DID MICHAEL TAKE IT?

BAD.

GOOD.

HE SHOULD HAVE.

MM.MH. (kisses)

YOU'RE A HELL OF A LOT TO LOSE, HONEY.

MM. A HELL OF A LOT TO LOSE.

RIGHT. I GOTTA GO PEE, OKAY?

LIZZIE.

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

(chuckles)

(crash)

(glass shatters)

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST DROP THIS

BEFORE THE NEXT THING ONE OF US SAYS IS "FUCK YOU."

I'D HATE IT IF YOU DID 'CAUSE I'M DYING TO.

WALK OUT, LIZ. IT'S NOT TEMPORARY.

WITH YOU AND ME, MICHAEL, EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY.

(cell phone rings)

(ring) (chuckles)

(both grunting and moaning)

NOW HAVE I TOLD YOU

HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR COCK INSIDE OF ME? MMM.

(both moaning)

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

MM. US.

WOW.

(chuckles)

(moaning)

OH, MY GOD!

I MISSED YOU.

I MISSED YOU MORE.

(gasps) OH!

IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS.

(sighs)

HI.

HI. OH, COME ON IN.

(sighs)

MICHAEL, MEET HAL

AND... CASEY.

WHICH ONE'S WHICH? (all chuckle)

WHO MIGHT THIS BE? I'M KIDDING. COME ON. COME ON.

WE'RE VERY GRACIOUS. WE, UH, WE--WE BROUGHT CHAMPAGNE.

OH. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

SO IF I MAY...

MICHAEL SHARED WITH ME THAT A WOMAN HE'S KNOWN

AND RECENTLY DATED

SINCE CASEY AND I BEGAN TO EXPLORE OUR CONNECTION,

HAS, UH, LEFT HIM FOR ANOTHER MAN.

A MAN NAMED FREEWAY?

HIGHWAY.

THAT'S, UM, THAT'S PAINFUL.

I'M SORRY, MICHAEL.

THANKS, HAL.

FEELINGS ARE TENDER THINGS.

THANK YOU, CASEY.

CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

THIS MAY NOT BE A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO BE ALONE.

(clinking) (Hal) TO THE END OF SADNESS.

AHH.

LET'S BE HONEST, MICHAEL.

YOU'RE A MAN, AND MEN LIKE TO GO INTO THE CAVE.

I THINK

THAT YOU COULD... (whispers) USE A HUG.

(sighs)

OH, GOD, CASEY. LOOK AT YOUR NIPPLES.

JUST BEING CLOSE TO HIM... (chuckles)

MADE THEM HARD.

YOU HAVE SUCH A STRONG ENERGY, MICHAEL.

IT'S VERY STRONG.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR NIPPLES REACT SO FAST, CASE.

IT COULD BE A.C. I'VE GOT A STRONG... UNIT.

OH, I CAN VOUCH FOR THAT.

(speaks indistinctly) DON'T HIDE AWAY.

YOU NEED SUPPORT,

AND WE ARE HERE.

IT'S GOOD TO CONNECT WHEN WE'RE IN PAIN.

MM. AMEN.

AND, YES...

(whispers) CASEY'S GOT THE TIGHTEST PUSSY

YOUR COCK HAS EVER BEEN IN.

(pats back)

OH.

(moans)

(Hal chuckles)

THAT RIGHT THERE--

THAT'S WHY I GOT INTO THIS POLYAMORY SHIT.

(chuckles) MM.

I WANT YOU INSIDE ME, MICHAEL.

I WANT YOU.

(Jocelyn and Michael moaning)

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

LET THE VOICE MAIL GET IT. (ring)

(speaks indistinctly) THE MOOD.

(ring)

(ring)

(ring)

CHANTAL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

(elevator bell dings)

MICHAEL'S EXPECTING ME.

HEY, MOM.

HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?

(chuckles) TERRIBLE.

(sighs) AHH.

HOW WAS YOUR FLIGHT?

OH. FRENCH AIRLINE. THEY SERVE WINE WITH BREAKFAST.

CLAUDE SENDS HIS REGRETS AND HIS CONDOLENCES.

HE'S IN CHAD WITH SARKOZY.

FIGURES.

HOW IS CLAUDE, ANYWAY?

WHO KNOWS? THE FRENCH NEVER OPEN UP.

THANK GOD.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, MOM.

I CAN'T HELP THAT.

(laughs)

(sighs deeply)

HIS FIANCEE SAID HE WENT OUT LAUGHING.

I THINK I KNOW WHY.

GIANT PART OF MY LIFE.

MINE, TOO.

NEVER STOPPED.

HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU.

I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM.

WE USED TO TALK TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK.

REALLY? HE NEVER SAID.

I WAS HIS THERAPIST. HE DID LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HIMSELF.

OH, GOD.

YOUR FATHER'S IDEAL COMPANION WAS A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR.

(both laugh)

POP WAS HIS OWN RELIGION, MINUS A COMMANDMENT OR TWO.

MM.

OH, MICHAEL, I-I ASSUME THAT YOU DO KNOW

THAT I'M THE ONE WHO'S REALLY BEEN RUNNING THESE COMPANIES

ALL THESE YEARS, KEEPING THEM IN THE BLACK.

YEAH, I KNEW.

HE NEVER TOLD ME, BUT I DID.

OH.

WELL, THANKS TO MY UNSTINTING EFFORTS,

HE WAS RIDICULOUSLY WEALTHY.

WHEN YOUR FATHER WAS PLANNING HIS ESTATE,

I INSISTED THAT HE LEAVE

A NICE CHUNK TO CHANTAL AND THE OTHER EXES.

VERY NICE OF YOU, MOM.

BY THE WAY, UM...

JOCELYN CALLED ME.

SHE TOLD ME THE WHOLE STORY.

I HOPE NOT.

PEOPLE CHANGE, MICHAEL.

THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE FOR YOU.

AND I THINK I ALREADY FOUND HER.

AND THEN I LOST HER.

THEN FIND HER AGAIN.

I'M GONNA MISS HIM, MOM.

FOREVER.

(chuckles) WHO AM I GONNA CALL AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING?

(sighs)

ME?

MM.

(sniffles)

♪

(Michael sighs deeply)

MICHAEL, I'M SO SORRY.

I LOVED VIC.

HE LOVED YOU.

IF YOU EVER WANNA TALK, I AM HERE FOR YOU,

NO MATTER WHAT.

THANKS, JOCE.

I FELT SO CONNECTED

WHEN WE MADE LOVE.

MAYBE IT'S NOT OVER.

SO... NO CASEY AND HAL?

YEAH. WE HAD A FIGHT.

LONG STORY.

LET ME GUESS. HAL'S AN ASSHOLE.

MM. (sighs) THEY BOTH ARE.

YOU OKAY? NO.

YOU TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

MICHAEL.

VIC WAS ONE-OF-A-KIND.

LUTHER, I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU WITH SHOES.

AM I TO ASSUME I'LL BE SEEING YOU IN THE OFFICE TOMORROW?

ABSOLUTELY, SIR,

BRIGHT AND EARLY, READY TO EMBRACE LADY JUSTICE.

MM.

THANKS FOR CLEANING UP FOR MY DAD.

I'M HONORED TO HAVE KNOWN HIM,

BUT...

THAT'S NOT WHY I CLEANED UP.

THE FACT IS, OUR FATES HAVE TUMBLED.

taintedtush.com HAS CRASHED.

WE'VE LOST IT ALL. WE'RE BROKE.

I'M CANCELING MY BOOTS.

YOU'RE NOT DEVASTATED.

NO.

I'VE JUST GROWN UP.

AND, LUTHER, YOUR BOOTS--

I'M BUYING THEM FOR YOU.

(whispers) OH! OKAY.

(chuckles)

(Michael) AHEM.

(sighs)

I HAD THIS WHOLE SPEECH PLANNED

ABOUT MY DAD,

HOW HE WAS THIS FORCE OF NATURE,

WHICH... EVERYBODY SAID HE WAS,

AND LUSTY

AND RICH... AND LUSTY.

ALL THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE HIM BUST OUT OF THAT URN

AND SMACK THE CRAP OUT OF ME

'CAUSE IT DIDN'T COME FROM THE HEART.

YOU SEE, WITH MY FATHER,

NOTHING SEPARATED

HIM AND HIS PASSION FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD.

HE BLURTED THINGS OUT.

AND IT WAS ALWAYS...

RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.

BUT I NEVER REALLY GOT HIS MESSAGE,

WHICH WAS TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT FEAR.

VIC STRATHMORE WAS FEARLESS,

WHICH ALSO MEANT HE LIVED LIFE WITHOUT REGRET.

HOW DID I MISS THIS?

BECAUSE I DO NOT LIVE FEARLESSLY LIKE MY FATHER DID.

SO... I HEDGE MY BETS

AND I MISS PRECIOUS THINGS

BECAUSE I'M SCARED,

OR I BURY MY EMOTIONS,

OR I DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT MY HEART IS TELLING ME.

I LET FEAR GET THE BEST OF ME.

WHY COULDN'T I FIGURE THIS OUT YESTERDAY?

IT WOULD'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS--

YOU DIDN'T MISS A MINUTE OF LIFE.

FROM NOW ON,

NEITHER WILL I.

(chuckles)

I LOVE YOU.

MY MOM

AND MY ALMOST-STEPMOM CHANTAL AND I NEED TO TAKE MY POP OUT

AND GIVE HIM THE BURIAL AT SEA HE ALWAYS WANTED.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU, ALL, FOR COMING.

THAT WAS JUST LOVELY, MICHAEL.

HMM.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD LET YOUR FATHER'S ATTORNEY TELL YOU THIS.

BUT... OH, GOD. HE'S SUCH A BORE.

(sighs)

THE THING IS, VIC LEFT YOU THIS BOAT.

THIS BOAT. YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO. HE KNEW YOU LOVED IT.

SO IT'S SPECIFIED IN HIS WILL THAT THE BOAT IS YOURS.

WITH ONE CAVEAT--

YOU HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE ONCE A YEAR

AND HAVE A BIG ADVENTURE.

(laughs)

AND I ASSUME THAT MEANS FISTFIGHTS AND PIRATES.

MM. (laughs) LOTS OF PIRATES. CALL ME WHEN THEY GET THERE.

(both laugh)

OH, MOM.

(sighs)

BEAUTIFUL SERVICE.

I CAME TO PAY MY RESPECTS.

I THOUGHT YOUR DAD WAS GREAT.

HE FELT THE SAME ABOUT YOU.

WHERE'S HIGHWAY?

WE'RE OVER.

HOW COME?

THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT BEING WITH HIM,

THE MORE I COULDN'T SLEEP.

AND I KEPT ON LOOKING AT

A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU AND ME FROM CATALINA, AND...

YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?

GUY YOU THOUGHT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING?

NO. A GIRL WHO NEVER LOOKED HAPPIER IN HER WHOLE LIFE,

AND A GIRL WHO WOULD DIE IF SHE PLAYED IT SAFE.

SO THOSE THINGS THAT YOU SAID IN YOUR SPEECH...

DID YOU MEAN 'EM?

I NEVER MEANT ANYTHING MORE IN MY LIFE.

SO NOW THAT YOU'RE NOT PLAYING IT SAFE, UH, WHAT'S NEXT?

I WANNA BE WITH YOU.

(chuckles) DEAL.

JUST LIKE THAT? I AUDITIONED YOU LONG ENOUGH.

I AUDITIONED YOU.

YOU'VE GOT THE PART. (chuckles)

MY FATHER WANTED HIS ASHES SPREAD AT SEA.

YOU WANNA COME?

YEAH.

♪

(sighs)

HE ALWAYS LOVED GOING SWIMMING.

I HAD A FEELING LIZ WOULD COME BACK.

(sighs)

(sighs)

LIFE IS SHORT.

IT'S LONGER WITH YOU IN IT.

HOW ABOUT WE DROP OFF MY MOM AND CHANTAL

AND GO SOMEWHERE IN MY NEW BOAT?

(chuckles) LIKE WHERE?

ANYWHERE.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE.