Original subtitles

♪

(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪

♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪

♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪

♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪

♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪

♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪

♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪

♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪

WHOO!

HEY.

YOU LOOK GOOD, BABY. MM.

I COULD TREAT YOU RIGHT. (chuckles)

YOU KNOW, I'M CRAZY IN BED.

I CAN LICK MY SHOULDER BLADES.

I LOVE... THAT SONG!

MM. LOVE IT!

YOU GOT IT ON, BABY! (giggles)

I GOT NOTHIN'.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, MR. NOTHIN'?

MM? POIGNANT.

(bottles clink)

♪

MMM.

WELL, LOOK AT US.

TWO STORMS IN A PORT.

(both chuckle)

I'M GRETA. I'M MICHAEL.

I JUST GOT HERE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO,

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

(laughs) I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

WELL, NOBODY KNOWS WHERE THEY ARE, BABY.

EVERYBODY'S JUST FAKING IT.

OKAY. (laughs)

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE ASKING,

I'VE QUIT MY LIFE.

I'VE LEFT IT ALL BEHIND.

TALK ABOUT IT, BABY.

EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WAS REALITY

WAS A FUCKING LIE.

INCLUDING YOU.

YEAH, I'VE BEEN THERE. (chuckles)

FULL-TIME RESIDENT.

NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.

IT'S GUT-WRENCHING.

WRENCH AWAY.

WELL...

IT ALL BEGAN

WHEN WE WERE HUMPING IN A STRETCH LIMO.

♪

(both grunting and moaning)

(grunts)

(gasps) OH!

STRETCH LIMO?

COOL SURPRISE.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

HMM. US.

OH.

(chuckles)

YOU'RE SCARED OF HEIGHTS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I SAW IT IN YOUR EYES

WHEN WE WERE DRIVING OVER THAT BRIDGE IN SAN PEDRO.

NEVER ADMIT IT, DO YOU? BEING SCARED?

HAVING DOUBTS.

WONDERING WHO YOU CAN COUNT ON AND FOR HOW LONG.

MY EX-SHRINK TOLD ME THAT WE'RE ALL SCARED OF SOMETHING.

YOU WENT TO A SHRINK? WHY? (laughs)

I WILL TELL YOU SOMETIME, WHEN YOU DON'T EXPECT IT.

IT'LL BE MORE INTERESTING THAT WAY.

(chuckles)

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I'M SCARED OF MYSELF...

WHEN I'M WITH YOU?

TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW.

(lowered voice) SO HAVE I TOLD YOU

HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR COCK INSIDE OF ME?

(moans)

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO SAY THANKS

OR TO FEEL SEXUALLY EXPLOITED.

(chuckles) THANKS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF?

I DON'T KNOW. CONTROL, I GUESS.

LOSING IT OR HAVING TOO MUCH?

(laughs) THEY'RE THE SAME THING, AREN'T THEY?

NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO.

KIMBERLY IS WEARING OUR FRENCH BRA AND PANTIES,

MADE FROM A DELICIOUS, ABSORBENT COTTON/SILK BLEND.

MY GOD, MICHAEL. THIS IS BEYOND AROUSING.

RANDOM HOTTIES SPILLING OUT INTO OUR CORRIDOR.

MY DICK IS FIGHTING TO GET OUT LIKE SOME CRAZED RODEO ANIMAL.

QUIET. ALANA'S AN IMPORTANT CLIENT.

DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID. RIGHT.

HOW ABSORBENT DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT COTTON IS?

DO YOU THINK I COULD USE IT TO MAKE A LITTLE CUP OF TEA?

DOWN, BOY.

AND ROXIE IS WEARING

OUR LATEST DESIGN FROM THE VULNERABLE COLLECTION.

IT'S SO SHEER.

IT'S LIKE BEING NAKED.

(Luther) MARVELOUS.

YOU CAN NEVER OVERDO NAKED. THAT'S MY MOTTO.

WHAT'S YOUR GUESS? QUIET.

WHAT'S GOING ON UNDERNEATH ALANA'S POWER SUIT?

WINTERIZED OR TERRA SHAVE-A?

♪

(whip cracking) WHOO!

RIDE 'EM, COWGIRL! WHOO! (laughs)

OH, YES! FASTER! HARDER!

(laughs) (laughs)

WHOO! OH, MY GOD!

OH, YES.

HMM. A FABULOUS COLLECTION, ALANA.

THE STATE-OF-THE-ART FACTORY YOU OPENED UP IN THAILAND

IS TURNING UP TOP-NOTCH WORK.

AND WITH THE NEW FACILITY IN TAIWAN,

WE MAKE THEM FOR LESS AND SHIP DIRECTLY.

PROFITS DOUBLED. WELL, HOW ABOUT

THE WARNING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION?

IT'S A STICKUP. EXTORTION. TELL THEM.

THE REPORT THEY'RE ABOUT TO RELEASE

SAYS YOUR DYES MAY BE TOXIC

AND THERE COULD BE SOME LABOR EXPLOITATION CHARGES.

MICHAEL, I NEED A WORD WITH YOU.

(Arthur) WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

THIS DEAL IS WORTH MILLIONS TO THE FIRM.

I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE, ARTHUR.

CAN THIS LAW FIRM AFFORD TO HAVE A CONSCIENCE?

CONSCIENCE IS A SUBJECTIVE TERM HERE.

WELL, SO IS HYPOCRISY. YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

THE LOCALS ARE GETTING JOBS THEY NEVER WOULD'VE HAD

IF ALANA HADN'T BUILT THE FACTORY THERE.

NOT TO MENTION ASTHMATIC WORKING CONDITIONS AND SLAVE WAGES.

THE WORLD ISN'T PERFECT.

NEITHER IS ALANA FISHER.

WE CAN'T REPRESENT SOMEONE

WHO'S SUBJECTING WORKERS TO THOSE CONDITIONS.

WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

WE DROP HER AS A CLIENT.

NO, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

EITHER SHE GOES OR I DO.

WELL, SHE ISN'T GOING, AND NEITHER ARE YOU.

REALLY?

WATCH.

YOU ALL RIGHT, ARTHUR?

HE JUST QUIT.

FIX IT.

(knocks on doorframe)

MICHAEL, I WISH I HAD YOUR ETHICS.

YOU WISH YOU HAD ANYONE'S ETHICS.

POINT TAKEN. BUT DON'T FORGET.

A LAWYER WITH TOO MUCH CONSCIENCE CAN'T DO HIS JOB.

(object thuds)

WHERE'D YOU GRADUATE FROM, THE DICK CHENEY LAW SCHOOL?

OH, MICHAEL. BE PRACTICAL.

DON'T WORK ON THE ACCOUNT, BUT DON'T QUIT.

PASS.

WHAT'S REALLY EATING YOU?

ME.

IGNORING YOUR INSTINCTS IS A BIG MISTAKE.

WE ALL HAVE THAT VOICE INSIDE US THAT ONLY WE CAN HEAR--

THE ONE THAT'S INCAPABLE OF BULLSHIT.

EVEN IF WE IGNORE IT, IT WAITS UNTIL WE'RE SLEEPING.

(chuckles) WE CALL IT 'EM DREAMS.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY MEMOS FROM OUR UNCONSCIOUS

TRYING TO SAVE OUR STUPID ASS.

I WORKED HARD TO MAKE MY MARRIAGE WORK

WITH MY THIRD HUSBAND, TAYLOR.

THE VOICE KNEW TAYLOR LIKED MEN,

EVEN THOUGH I DENIED IT.

WELL, THE VOICE WAS RIGHT,

AND I FINALLY BELIEVED IT.

AND TAYLOR RAN OFF WITH AN ACROBAT FROM BLUE MAN GROUP.

THEY SAY WHAT DRAWS TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER IS...

IS ALWAYS WHAT PUSHES THEM APART.

♪

(sighs)

OH, THAT TURNED OUT GOOD.

THANK YOU, MARIO BATALI.

(chuckles) PHENOMENAL. THANK YOU...

FOR COMING OVER AND MAKING DINNER.

OH, AND I HAVE SOMETHING

FOR YOU.

HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY.

(exhales deeply)

I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS.

AH.

(sighs deeply)

♪

WHAT, YOU TELL ME IN A CARD?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO TEXT ME?

I'M NOT GOOD AT THIS, MICHAEL.

THIS HAS BEEN TORTURING ME.

WELL, YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME. IN FACT, YOU DID.

I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING.

CASEY IS THAT SINGER THAT I MET AT THE CONFERENCE IN DENVER.

CONFERENCE? THE ONE WHO GAVE ME "THE SECRET."

WAIT. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. THE--"THE SECRET"?

THAT STUPID BOOK ABOUT HOW WE CREATE OUR OWN FATE?

AND WHO IS THIS CASEY?

I'VE MENTIONED CASEY SEVERAL TIMES.

YOU JUST WEREN'T LISTENING,

LIKE ALWAYS.

(scoffs)

I KNEW YOU'D TAKE THIS BADLY.

NO. NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL.

REJECTION, REPRISAL-- WHAT A PERFECT EVENING.

DID YOU POISON MY FOOD, TOO?

I'M NOT LEAVING YOU FOR CASEY.

I'M LEAVING YOU FOR MYSELF.

WELL, I HOPE YOU AND YOURSELF ARE VERY HAPPY.

(sighs)

MICHAEL, I'VE SPENT A LIFETIME

COMPROMISING FOR THE MEN IN MY LIFE,

STARTING WITH MY DAD.

CASEY DOESN'T REQUIRE THAT.

SHE'S AN ARTIST.

SHE'S--SHE'S NOT SO CEREBRAL LIKE YOU AND DAD.

I'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THAT IN MY LIFE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

UH, DID YOU SAY "SHE?" AS IN VAGINA?

(sighs) SHE SAID YOU'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, IT'S FATE.

SHE PROBABLY READ "THE SECRET."

OKAY, THE POINT IS THAT GENDER DOESN'T ENTER INTO THIS.

I GUESS SHE WON'T EITHER.

OKAY, STOP IT. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CASEY IS NOT SEXUAL, OKAY?

WE ARE NOT LESBIANS.

WE ARE TWO WOMEN WHO SHARE A VERY DEEP EMOTIONAL BOND.

OH, SURE. I GET IT. IT'S LIKE MICK JAGGER AND KEITH RICHARDS.

I'M SORRY FOR HURTING YOU, MICHAEL.

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW

THAT CASEY AND I ARE LEAVING FOR KAUAI TOMORROW.

KAUAI?

THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

(bottle and glass clink)

MM.

(glass clatters)

WAIT, ISN'T KAUAI WHERE WE FIRST VACATIONED?

OR AM I JUST SPIRALING INTO SENTIMENTAL TRAGEDY?

MICHAEL, YOU ARE PRICELESS TO ME.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

NO, NOT REALLY.

SOME PART OF YOU MUST BE RELIEVED.

WHICH PART DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

WE BOTH KNOW

THAT OUR HEARTS HAVEN'T BEEN INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP

FOR QUITE A WHILE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE HAVE NEVER BEEN TRULY INTIMATE.

BUT THAT'S WHAT MADE US COMPATIBLE.

SEE?

WE DO CREATE OUR OWN FATE.

WE DON'T KNOW. WE THINK WE DO, BUT WE DON'T,

AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES LIFE SO MYSTERIOUS.

WHAT WE CAN'T QUITE TOUCH

IS WHAT ALWAYS TOUCHES US MOST DEEPLY.

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WROTE

FOR A NEW FRIEND OF MINE,

AND IT'S CALLED "TOUCH."

♪

♪

YOU'RE WRONG, OKAY?

SHE DIDN'T DUMP ME FOR SOME POETIC DYKE.

SHE'LL BE BACK.

SHE'LL DO WHAT SHE HAS TO DO,

AND SHE'LL BE BACK, AND WE'LL SEE WHERE WE STAND.

OKAY, CAN I TELL YOU WHERE YOU'RE GONNA BE STANDING?

OVER HER AND HER NEW GIRLFRIEND,

WATCHING THEM USE EACH OTHER AS TONGUE DEPRESSORS. JEEZ.

TAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT INTO THE BASEMENT, WHY DON'T YOU?

OH, I'M SORRY. DID I OFFEND YOU, ST. THOMAS AQUINAS?

(groans) OH, EXCUSE ME,

BUT, UH, WEREN'T YOU THE ONE WHO WAS BANGING THE COP

WHILE STILL ENGAGED, TECHNICALLY, TO JOCELYN?

I MEAN, COME ON.

DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU WERE GONNA GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT?

I DID. YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

SHE LET YOU THINK YOU WERE GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

IT'S A GIRL TRICK.

YOU REALLY THINK SHE KNEW?

OKAY. LET ME TAKE A WILD GUESS HERE. LET'S SEE.

UH, AFTER JOCELYN FINISHED WORKING YOU OVER,

YOU WENT TO SEE THE COP

'CAUSE YOU WERE FEELING SO TRAGIC.

(grunts) (knock on door)

COME IN.

(door opens)

(door closes) HEY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU NAME IT.

YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT.

WELL, I'M A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY.

I QUIT MY JOB TODAY.

WELCOME TO THE HUMAN RACE!

YOU THINK I'LL BE ACCEPTED?

OH.

MM.

WHAT'S THAT FOR?

FOR COMING TO ME.

(chuckles)

(moaning and gasping)

(both panting)

(moaning) OH, MY GOD!

OH! OH, MY GOD!

OH, BABY! OH!

OH, MY GOD.

(moans)

(gasps)

OH! (laughs)

(laughs)

WHAT?

I WAS WRONG.

YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

(man on TV speaks indistinctly)

(changes channel) (football announcers speaking indistinctly)

(knock on door)

YOU LOOK... (speaks indistinctly)

I LIKE THAT.

ALANA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CELEBRATING VICTORY.

WHOSE?

YOURS... MEANING MINE.

WHAT DID WE WIN?

DIGNITY.

WHEN I HEARD THAT YOU QUIT BECAUSE OF YOUR CONSCIENCE,

I WAS FLOORED.

YOU HELPED ME TO SEE WHAT I WAS DOING.

YEAH, EXPLOITING THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE PEOPLE.

MM, PRETTY MUCH.

SO I'M BUILDING A SCHOOL AND A HOSPITAL AT THE FACTORY.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

I'M PROUD OF ME.

NOW POP THE DOM. I NEED TO PEE.

ALL SET.

ME, TOO.

NOW...

FOR THE REAL...

CELEBRATION.

NO. NO!

FUCKER! THAT'S MY CHAMPAGNE!

(door closes)

THAT WAS THE FINAL STRAW.

I DRANK THE ENTIRE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE ON THE WAY OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T GET IT-- YOU.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE ALL THESE CHICKS SEEING THAT I'M NOT?

THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

MM.

(laughs) REALLY?

AGAIN?

OKAY.

♪

MM, MISTER, I THINK YOU MIGHT NEED TO GO HOME.

I'M NEVER GOING HOME.

(laughs)

I'M STARTING OVER. MM-HMM.

FROM HERE ON IN, I LIVE ANONYMOUSLY.

(Michael) MM. (chuckles)

(singsongy) NO ONE KNOWS WHERE I AM.

(both laugh) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

AND DON'T SAY "DANCING."

THIS MUST BE LIZ.

(normal voice) LIZ! SAY HELLO TO GRETA.

HEY, GRETA. HAS HE BEEN A BAD BOY?

NO SUCH LUCK.

I'M GONNA TAKE HIM OFF YOUR HANDS NOW.

COME ON, MICHAEL. LET'S GO WALKING.

(groans) MWAH. HOW DID YOU FIND ME?

I'M A COP-- THE ORIGINAL GOOGLER.

YOU'RE SCARIER THAN SHIT.

YOU KNOW WHERE I AM WHEN I DON'T.

(chuckles) I GOTTA GO. SHE FOUND ME.

I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR SOMEONE TO DO THAT.

HEY, THANKS FOR BEING MY FRIEND.

YOU WERE THERE THROUGH THICK AND THIN, THE DARTS,

BAD DANCING.

ANY TIME.

WAIT, NO. HEY, HEY, WAIT. CHECK THIS OUT.

YOU TAKE GRETA, AND YOU CHANGE THE LETTERS AROUND,

YOU GET "GREAT."

COINCIDENCE?

MAYBE.

I'LL SEE YA LATER, BIG GUY.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

CATALINA.

CATALINA? (chuckles)

THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS. WHAT WOULD I BE DOING IN CATALINA?

TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED, MICHAEL.

I WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH. DID YOU GET CANNED?

YEAH, BY JOCELYN.

SHE'S MOVING ON.

SHE GOT A GIRLFRIEND. (laughs)

A SINGER/SONGWRITER.

SHE'S A DYKE?

(laughs) (laughs)

PLOT TWIST. WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME?

AH. (sighs)

I DIDN'T THINK YOU WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT MY STUFF WITH HER--

HER FEELINGS AND MY FEELINGS.

AND WITH JOCELYN OUT OF THE PICTURE,

I JUST THOUGHT THAT...

WHAT? I'D FEEL THE PRESSURE TO STEP UP?

MAYBE.

(chuckles) YEAH, I GUESS.

(laughs) I JUST THOUGHT I KNEW HER BETTER.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

OH, NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S SIMPLE.

WELL, YOU JUST SAY THAT

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE HOW COMPLICATED IT IS.

(laughs)

YOU COMPLICATE EVERYTHING, MICHAEL. OH.

YOU OVERTHINK EVERYTHING, AND YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

OH, YEAH? WHAT'S THE POINT?

THAT LIFE IS OUT OF CONTROL,

AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO TRY TO CONTROL IT

ARE THE CRAZIEST ONES OF ALL.

WELL, YOU OUGHTA KNOW.

YOU'RE THE MOST CONTROLLING PERSON I EVER MET.

WALKING AROUND WITH YOUR GUN,

USING YOUR SIREN, AND... POKING AT PEOPLE WITH YOUR BATON.

HUNTING DOWN GUYS IN LITTLE OF BARS

WHO WERE PERFECTLY HAPPY.

YOU WILL NEVER BE PERFECTLY HAPPY, MICHAEL,

AND THAT'S ONE OF YOUR BEST QUALITIES.

COME ON. LET'S GO HOME.

NO. CONTROL. SEE THAT? RIGHT THERE.

NO.

ATTICA.

ATTICA!

ATTICA!

ATTICA!

(laughs) ATTICA!

ATTICA! I WILL NOT--

I WILL NOT BE GOING HOME WITH YOU.

OH.

I CAN GET HOME BY MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH. OKAY, THEN.

EXACTLY. OKAY, THEN. ON THAT NOTE...

IT'S ALWAYS-- IT'S ALWAYS GOOD SEEING YOU.

I WILL BE SWIMMING HOME.

GOOD IDEA. TAKE CARE!

OH, I WILL!

SWIM FAST!

♪

(panting)

WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE. HOW WAS YOUR SWIM?

I GOT TO HAWAII, THEN I DECIDED TO COME BACK AND GET YOU.

OH. (chuckles)

YOU COLD?

UH-HUH. (laughs)

LET'S TAKE THIS SHIRT OFF YOU. (grunts)

(panting)

(laughs)

HERE.

AHH.

COME HERE.

IS THAT A...

THAT IS HIM.

OH. YEAH.

GREAT.