Original subtitles

♪

(woman) ♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

♪ JUST WHO CAN SOLVE ♪

♪ ITS MYSTERY? ♪

♪ WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ♪

♪ A FOOL OF ME? ♪

♪ I SAW YOU THERE ♪

♪ THAT WONDERFUL DAY ♪

♪ YOU TOOK MY LOVE ♪

♪ AND THREW IT AWAY ♪

♪ AND SO I ASK THE LORD ♪

♪ IN HEAVEN ABOVE ♪

♪ WHAT IS THIS THING ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE? ♪

♪ CALLED LOVE ♪

Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.

I ONLY WISH ALL OF OUR CLIENTS WERE SUCH A DELIGHT, ALANA.

LOVELY EVENING.

YEAH, CONSIDERING WE SPENT DINNER PLOTTING OUT

HOW TO SPILL THE BLOOD OF THAT PREDATORY PRICK.

OH, TWO "P" WORDS IN A ROW. I'M APPROACHING THRESHOLD.

ALANA, YOU DO $300 MILLION A YEAR. YOU'RE A TARGET.

YOUR NAUGHTY DREAMS BRA IS A RUNAWAY HIT.

IT WAS INEVITABLE SOMEBODY WAS GONNA RIP IT OFF.

WELL-SAID, MICHAEL.

WIN THE LAWSUIT FOR ME, GUYS.

I WANT THAT BASTARD'S BALLS

SHRIVELING IN A SMALL JAR IN A HOT ROOM.

WE'LL MAKE THIS GO AWAY, ALANA.

ARE YOU STARING AT MY BREASTS, LUTHER?

NO, NO, JUST MARVELING AT THE ENGINEERING BRILLIANCE

OF YOUR NAUGHTY DREAMS.

I'M NOT WEARING A BRA.

OH. BRILLIANT.

BYE, NOW.

(sighs) WHAT A GOOD PERSON SHE IS.

(car door closes) YEAH. OTHER THAN BEING

A POWER-CRAZED, OVERSEXED, CASTRATING BITCH. (vehicle departs)

OVERSEXED? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SINCE SHE'S ONE OF OUR BIGGEST CLIENTS,

I... SUPPOSE I SHOULDN'T SLEEP WITH HER, RIGHT?

YOU SHOULDN'T SLEEP WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'D SNAP YOUR DICK OFF

AND USE IT AS A CAT TOY.

DID YOU SEE HOW HER NIPPLES WERE POINTED RIGHT AT ME

WHEN THE VICHYSSOISE ARRIVED?

I'M NOT JUST IMAGINING THINGS HERE, MICHAEL.

THEY WERE MAKING DIRECT

EYE CONTACT WITH ME AND SAYING...

(high-pitched voice) "LUTHER, WE'RE IN HERE,

"AND WE'RE ALL ALONE.

"YES, WE WANT TO COME OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN.

WE NEED A FRIEND."

OH, MY GOD. LUTHER! IT'S ME, NIKKI!

LENA, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

LUTHER?

YOU REMEMBER US?

DEER VALLEY? YOUR SKI CONDO?

YOU OWN A SKI CONDO? I DID THAT WEEKEND.

OH, THAT'S THE SQUIRTER, THE ONE I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

LOADS OF FUN. LOADS OF LAUNDRY.

(singsongy) LUTHER,

WE'VE GOT A BAR IN HERE AND SOME NASTY DVDs FROM ICELAND.

COME SAY HI!

ICELAND? (mutters)

(siren whoops)

(police radio chatter)

SIR, ARE YOU MICHAEL STRATHMORE?

YES. WHAT'S GOING ON? SIR, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

FOR WHAT?

(handcuffs clicking) AAH.

I HAVE A BENCH WARRANT. DO YOU HAVE AN ATTORNEY? I AM AN ATTORNEY.

NOW SEE HERE, OFFICER! I CAN VOUCH FOR MR. STRATHMORE.

WHAT'S THE CHARGE?

SIR, YOU'RE INTERFERING WITH AN ARRESTING OFFICER.

ARE THOSE GIRLS UNDERAGE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. THEY'RE PART OF A CHURCH GROUP.

WHAT'S YOUR BADGE NUMBER, OFFICER?

IT'S OKAY. I'LL HANDLE THIS, LUTHER.

OH. HE'LL HANDLE IT.

"ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT" IS GOING TO LOVE THIS.

(laughs)

(police radio chatter)

DOWN WE GO. DOWN THE HATCH. (clears throat)

(police radio chatter)

AND THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LOVE THIS.

OH, NIPPLE, CAN YOU SEE ME? NIPPLE, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

(both laugh) (clink)

MY SECOND WIFE NEVER CARED FOR GAMBLING,

PROBABLY 'CAUSE SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO GET INTO THE CASINOS.

ANYWAY, NOT TO GET TOO DEEP HERE 'CAUSE I HATE THAT SHIT--

IT'S ALL A BIG GAMBLE ANYWAY, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE ODDS

I'M GONNA FALL IN LOVE WITH A CAR SHOW MODEL

AND WANT TO TO GET MARRIED FOR THE EIGHTH TIME? (chuckles)

FATE IS ONE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER. IT'S LIKE I TELL MICHAEL--

YOU SPIN THE WHEEL, A BALL FALLS WHERE IT MAY.

FATE COULD GIVE A FAT FUCK WHAT YOU THINK.

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

WE'RE ALL WEARING HEAVY MAKEUP IN A BOX ANYWAY,

SO LET GO OF THE HANDLEBARS.

WHY DID YOU BLINDFOLD ME? WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT, AM I BEING ESCORTED TO MY OWN MURDER?

HEY, SHUT UP!

YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

A LOT OF TROUBLE.

HEY, OFFICER, YOU EVER HEARD OF POLICE BRUTALITY?

(animals roaring in distance)

THIS BRUTAL ENOUGH FOR YOU?

I HEAR LIONS.

(giggles) IT'S JUST YOUR IMAGINATION.

(both grunting)

I DON'T HAVE AN IMAGINATION. (grunts)

I'M A LAWYER, REMEMBER?

(trumpeting)

QUIET, AND I'LL DO IT JUST...

(squeals, grunting)

(chatters)

(both grunting)

(growls)

GOD, I MISSED YOUR COCK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN ASKING ABOUT YOU.

(grunting)

WE'RE AT THE FUCKING ZOO.

(both laughing)

YOU LIKE IT?

OHH! GREAT IDEA, JANE.

(both moaning)

(gasps)

(squawking)

(gasps) JUST PROTECTING AND SERVING.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

I CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM YOU.

(calling)

(chattering)

(both grunting)

(chattering)

(continues grunting)

(calling, roaring)

(gasping)

(growling) (gasping)

(shouting)

(screams)

(gasping)

(laughs) THAT WAS KILLER.

(sighs)

(chuckles and moans)

(animals roaring in distance)

(sighs)

YOU FOUGHT BACK GOOD.

GOT ME WET.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

WHAT IS IT?

I'M GOOD.

YOU WERE BETTER A MINUTE AGO.

(laughs) YOU WORRY TOO MUCH.

TELL ME I'M WRONG. I'LL STOP ASKING.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU GOT YOUR FIRST KISS?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I KISS?

YOU CAN-- YOU COULD USE SOME WORK.

LISTEN, I GOTTA GET BACK ON SHIFT, SO, UM,

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE. JUST GO.

YEAH.

YEAH.

LET ME OUT UP THERE.

WHY? I'LL RUN YOU BACK TO THE RESTAURANT

TO GET YOUR CAR.

I'LL WALK. I FEEL LIKE GETTING SOME AIR.

(chuckles) YOU'RE PISSED.

I CAN TELL BECAUSE

YOUR SENTENCES GET CLIPPED AND IMPERSONAL.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME I KISS LIKE A FUCKING AMATEUR.

I NEVER COMPARED YOU TO AN AMATEUR.

YOUR LIPS... KIND OF-- KIND OF WEIRD, THAT'S ALL.

EVERYBODY'S ISOMETRICAL.

WHAT ARE YOU, HEAD OF THE GENOME PROJECT?

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANY MORE. IF I KISSED LIKE YOU, I WOULD WANT DETAILS.

YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT YOU, FOR WHICH I AM GRATEFUL FOR.

NOW PULL OVER. AND WHERE'S MY PANTS?

NO! YOU JUST THREW MY PANTS OUT THE GODDAMN WINDOW!

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT FUNNY. WHAT ARE YOU, 12?

(giggles) STOP THE GODDAMN CAR!

(brakes squeal)

JESUS.

WHAT, YOU THINK I'M TOO SELF-CONSCIOUS

TO WALK AROUND WITHOUT MY PANTS ON?

YOU THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME THROUGH MY PANTS?

WHAT PANTS? OH, GO TO HELL!

OH, I'M ALREADY THERE. DON'T EXPECT TO SEE ME.

YEAH, I'LL BE LAYING LOW SO ME AND MY DEFORMED LIPS

AREN'T OUT IN PUBLIC SCARING CHILDREN.

(tires peal)

(dog barking in distance)

FUCK.

I ONCE GOT INTO A 4-HOUR ARGUMENT WITH A ANAIS NIN

ABOUT FELLATIO AND COMMUNISM.

SHE SWORE SHE DIDN'T SWALLOW

UNLESS THE MAN GAVE TO SOVIET CHARITIES.

I TOLD HER SHE WAS AN EXTORTIONIST

AND THAT I LOVED SUCKING COCK.

(inhales deeply)

THAT'S GOOD FUCKING WEED.

THEY SAY THE MEASURE OF A FIRST-CLASS MIND

IS THE ABILITY TO ENTERTAIN TWO OPPOSING THOUGHTS

AT THE SAME TIME.

I THINK THE MEASURE OF A FIRST-CLASS MIND

IS KNOWING WHEN TO TELL SOMEONE TO KISS YOUR ASS.

PEOPLE NEVER ARGUE ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE ARGUING ABOUT.

IT'S ALL JUST SYMBOLIC.

I SAY CUT TO THE CHASE, SWALLOW, AND GET ON WITH IT.

GOD, I'M GONNA BE LATE.

MM, YOU DIDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

I COULD HEAR YOU TOSSING AND TURNING.

YOU SMELL LIKE THE VELD.

WE FUCKED AT A ZOO. I'VE GOTTA GO.

A ZOO? OKAY, GIVE ME SOME MORE DETAILS HERE

SO I CAN BURN OFF MY ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

IT'S A KISSING PROBLEM. OKAY? YOU HAPPIER NOW?

HE ACCUSED YOU OF THAT?

I MEAN, THAT'S TOTALLY INSENSITIVE. NO, I ACCUSED HIM.

YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE KISSES?

(sighs)

YOU HAVE NO FUTURE.

IS IT LIKE HE'S LICKING STAMPS?

(chuckles) NO. HE'S GOT SOME TECHNIQUE, SOME SUBTLETY.

I TOLD HIM IT'S THE LIP ALIGNMENT PROBLEM.

WHICH WAS BULLSHIT. TOTAL.

HMM. SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU'RE KISSING HIM

BETTER THAN HE'S KISSING YOU.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

SOMETIMES THE PERSON WHO FEELS MOST HOLDS BACK MOST.

HE'S A LAWYER. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE FEELS.

HIS LIPS DO.

(sighs)

IT'S TRUE. (door squeaks)

(horn blares)

IT IS MY ABSOLUTE CONVICTION THAT IF WE ARE GOING TO...

(inhales sharply) MOUNT...

DON'T SAY "MOUNT."

A PROPER DEFENSE FOR ALANA--

WHO IS THE FUTURE OF REALLY SUGGESTIVE UNDERWEAR

IN AMERICA-- HEREINAFTER REFERRED TO

AS "SILKY WHACKOFFIA"

AND ASSURE HER A COURTROOM VICTORY--

AT WHICH TIME SHE WILL BECOME A BILLIONAIRE

AND MY THIRD WIFE--

YOU NEED TO HAVE A MORE INTIMATE UNDERSTANDING

OF HER PRODUCT LINE.

BLAH, BLAH. YOU JUST LIKE TOUCHING THAT STUFF.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU'RE SO PISSY THIS MORNING.

HMM, TROUBLE IN COPLAND?

SHE IS SEXY, BY THE WAY.

SHE INTO THREESOMES-- HER, ME, THE SQUIRTER?

I'LL BRING MY OWN TOP.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S INTO? HURTING MY FEELINGS.

SHE TOLD ME I KISSED BAD.

REALLY?

NO ONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME BEFORE.

HMM.

IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.

BAD KISSING IS THE KISS OF DEATH.

(clears throat) WHAT'S YOUR, UM... STYLE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOUR KISSING STYLE. SHOW ME.

I'VE KISSED A FEW WOMEN. I'M OBJECTIVE.

(laughs)

I'M NOT GONNA KISS YOU.

OH, COME ON, MICHAEL. THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

I-I DON'T DERIVE ANY EROTIC PLEASURE FROM IT.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE CHARGE.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

DO YOU, UH, TILT LEFT OR RIGHT?

RIGHT.

LOVELY. OH, VERY NICE COLOGNE, BY THE WAY.

THANK YOU. TONGUE?

NOT RIGHT NOW. UNDERSTOOD. MY LIPS ARE YOURS.

HMM. ONE MORE GO. NEED MORE DATA.

(clears throat)

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM. MM, MM, MM.

(clears throat) IT WAS GOOD.

BUT NOT GREAT.

NO, I FEEL FULFILLED.

YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT?

NOW THAT WE'VE KISSED, MAYBE YOU'RE...

AFRAID TO HURT MY FEELINGS?

NO, I THINK YOU'RE A VERY GOOD KISSER, MICHAEL.

HOWEVER, I DO HAVE ONE TIP. IF I MAY.

(clears throat) YEAH.

(sighs)

AHH.

(sniffs, clears throat)

THAT WAS... THAT WAS NICE.

MM. WHAT WAS THAT--WHAT WAS THAT THING YOU WERE DOING?

SUCTION.

SUCTION?

SUCTION.

(pats arm)

IT'S YOUR FRIEND.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

(dog barking in distance)

(chuckles) RELAX. I'M UNARMED.

NICE PLACE.

WHATEVER LOOKS GOOD IS MY SISTER'S IDEA.

SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE TASTE.

YOU SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE TASTE?

MM. I'M THE GIRL WITH A GUN.

TASTE ISN'T MY... STRENGTH.

WHAT IS?

GOING TOO FAR.

LOOK...

I INVITED YOU HERE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU...

AND YOUR LIPS...

AND MAYBE LATER, YOUR COCK.

WHAT IS IT? DO I SCARE YOU?

A LITTLE.

I FEEL LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME.

I JUST HAVE INTENSE EYE CONTACT.

YOU HAVE INTENSE... EVERYTHING.

I'M TRYING TO WORK ON THAT.

UM...

I... (chuckles)

I LIED TO YOU THE OTHER NIGHT...

WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOUR LIPS.

WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I...

REALIZED MAYBE IT WAS ME.

(knock on door)

COME IN, RITA.

I'M NOT TOO EARLY, AM I?

YOU MUST BE MICHAEL.

(door closes)

I'M RITA.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

RITA'S AN OLD FRIEND.

I INVITED HERE TO GIVE US SOME PERSPECTIVE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID,

MAYBE IT WAS ME.

(all grunting)

OHH!

(moaning)

(all grunting)

I STILL REMEMBER THE EXACT MOMENT THAT I MET VIC

AT THE AUTO SHOW.

I WAS GESTURING AT THE NEW LEXUS.

NO.

THAT WAS IT.

AND HE WALKS PAST IN HIS SEXY FLIGHT JACKET,

AND HE LOOKS JUST LIKE VAL KILMER OUT OF "TOP GUN,"

AND HE SEES ME AND HE SAYS, "I THINK I LOVE YOU."

AND THEN HE KISSES ME.

AND I KISS HIM BACK.

AND THEN I THINK, OH, GOD, CHANTAL, WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

AND THEN I THOUGHT, DON'T STOP, BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL THING.

YOU KNOW WHY?

YOU CAN TELL IF IT'S THE REAL THING

BY THE WAY A MAN KISSES YOU,

AND I WAS SO RIGHT.

THAT'S REAL LOVE...

AND VACATIONS AND EATING OUT AT FABULOUS RESTAURANTS AND...

JEWELRY... AND... (giggles)

IT DOESN'T HURT THAT VIC'S HUNG LIKE KING KONG.

(giggles)

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE BETTER,

COUNTRY CLUB "A" OR COUNTRY CLUB "B"?

WHICHEVER ONE ADMITS JEWS.

I'M SERIOUS. STOP BEING SO CAVALIER AND SNARKY.

I WAS BEING UNCARING AND IRONIC.

COME ON. I NEED A LOCATION FOR PEMMIE'S SURPRISE PARTY.

PEMMIE. WHO NAMES A KID PEMBURG?

PEMBURG IS A FAMILY NAME.

WE WERE ON THE "MAYFLOWER."

DID YOU HAVE SLAVES?

ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?

THAT ONE. REALLY?

THE OTHER ONE. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

IT'S A GODDAMN COUNTRY CLUB-- LOT OF WHITE-HAIRED GUYS

WALKING AROUND IN PLAID PANTS AND BOW TIES.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU, MICHAEL?

YOU ARE LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON SINCE THAT ACCIDENT.

I'M THAT CLOSE TO DEATH, ALL BETS ARE OFF.

IS THAT WHAT WE ARE-- A BET?

(chuckles) BECAUSE IF THAT'S WHAT WE ARE...

♪

WE'RE WINNING.

JUST REMEMBER, THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU CAN'T TELL ME.

WE'RE ENGAGED.

(man) ♪ SHE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ AND I WAS HYPNOTIZED ♪

MICHAEL, THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG.

OH, YEAH.

♪ I WAS LOST... ♪

DANCE WITH ME.

COME ON. RIGHT HERE IN THE STREET. LET'S DO IT.

(laughs)

(giggles)

OH, WE ARE INSANE.

♪ TO ME ♪

(both grunting, animals roaring and screeching)

♪ ...ETERNITY ♪

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE OUR MAN. LET'S GRAB HIM.

THAT'S NO FUN. LET'S JUST CHASE HIM A LITTLE.

COME ON.

NO. NO. I KNOW THAT LOOK. OH, YOU'RE ON EDGE.

PROMISE ME YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO ALL CHARLIE SHEEN AGAIN.

LAST THING YOU NEED IS ANOTHER SUSPENSION.

I'M JUST MESSING WITH YA.

COME ON. GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT.

I CAN'T, ESPECIALLY WHEN

YOUR BOYFRIEND HASN'T CALLED YOU IN THREE DAYS.

I HAVEN'T CALLED HIM EITHER,

AND HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND. HE'S JUST A RANDOM CITIZEN.

REALLY? I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE HOT AND HEAVY.

NO BIG DEAL.

MM-HMM, FLASH HIM.

(siren wails)

(brakes squeal)

BE RIGHT BACK.

AAH! AAH!

AFTERNOON, MOTHERFUCKER,

AND WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT, OFFICER? (handcuffs clicking)

LITTLE THING WE LIKE TO CALL BREAKING AND ENTERING.

WHAT?! YEAH.

COMFY BACK THERE?

VERY NICE, THANK YOU.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE JUST TOO MUCH ALIKE.

I MEAN, THE LAST PERSON YOU WANNA GET IN THE RING WITH

IS YOURSELF, RIGHT?

REALLY? IS THAT YOUR PSYCHOLOGY DEGREE

HANGING OVER THE REARVIEW, PRESTON?

(laughs)

MADAME, I AM AN ACUTE OBSERVER OF THE HUMAN CONDITION,

ESPECIALLY YOURS.

ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, LIZ--NOTHING YOU CAN'T SOLVE.

UP UNTIL NOW.

THIS GUY REALLY GOT TO YOU.

AS MUCH AS I GOT TO HIM.

ANYWAY, THERE'S OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

OH, I BEG TO DIFFER. SHUT UP BACK THERE.

HEY, PELON, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU SHOULD WRITE THIS DOWN, SWEETHEART.

YOU'RE FAR TOO PRETTY.

LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T GIVE A MAD FUCK

WHAT KIND OF POLE OR BAIT YOU USE,

IF YOU'RE POOR OR IF YOU'RE RICH.

YOU'RE GONNA CATCH THE FISH YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CATCH.

¿ME ENTIENDES?

OH, LOAD NUMBER FIVE.

OH, WHY MUST I ALWAYS GO FOR THE FREAKY CHICKS?

(woman) LUTHER! THE STRAPS ARE TOO TIGHT.

LOAD NUMBER SIX.

(dog barking in distance)

MICHAEL?

KISS ME.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY I KISS.

IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST, I WASN'T SURE YOU MEANT IT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT MATTERED TO YOU.

I DIDN'T EITHER.

MMM.

♪