Original subtitles

- Buckingham? - Here.

- Clark? - Present.

Courterfield?

- Cuppet? - Here.

- Enos? - Here.

- Henry? - Here.

- [nun] Indiveri? - Here.

- [nun] Kirk? Kirk?

- [nun] Knudson? - Here

- [Nun] Kubasek? - Here.

[music audible from headphones]

[music stops]

- [defiantly] My ears are cold. - [sarcastically] Oh...

Perhaps when God grants me the will

to unleash a hot flash your way

through the bounds of this polyester

and pull a Sally Field,

the thermostat, Miss Courterfield, is fair game.

Until then, off!

[ding from P.A.]

[voice over P.A.] This is for all teachers,

please report to the office immediately.

[sighs]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Mary Elizabeth: monitor.

The rest of you: Do not steal, fondle, or move!

Mary Elizabeth,

take names, not prisoners.

[You I Need's "DJ Girl" plays]

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ put your records on,

♪ you got me spinning, so spinny, you got me spinning, so spinny ♪

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ put your records on,

♪ you got me spinning, so spinny, you got me spinning, so spinny ♪

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ Put your records on,

♪ you got me spinning, so spinny, you got me spinning, so spinny ♪

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ Put your records on,

♪ you got me spinning, so spinny, you got me spinning, so spinny ♪

♪ D-D-D-DJ girl

♪ Put your records on,

♪ you got me spinning, so spinny, you got me spinning, so spinny ♪

[bell rings]

[alarm clock beeping]

[sighs]

[Life is Hard's "Running in Circles" plays]

[smoke alarm beeping] ♪ You got me running in circles for you ♪

♪ Like I have nothing better to do ♪

♪ Got nothing but time, so I write you a song ♪

♪ If you like it then join me and sing along ♪

♪ Woo hoo hoo

♪ Woo hoo hoo ha hoo

- [boy] Ugh - [Gracie] Sorry!

♪ You keep me running in circles for you ♪

♪ I'm feeling dizzy but hey, that's nothing new ♪

I'll take that. (♪ I'm in hot pursuit )

[to girls] Hey, what's up ladies? (♪ but I'm kinda slow )

♪ If I catch up to you I won't let go ♪

♪ Woo hoo hoo You got me ♪

♪ Woo hoo hoo ha hoo running in circles ♪

♪ Well I want you-- you got me-- ♪

♪ Say you want me, too running in circles ♪

Bye G.G. (♪ Well it goes without saying ♪)

You said a mouthful, toots! (♪ that you're playing hard to get ♪)

♪ I'll never walk away from you ♪

♪ I'll run to you instead

[Bloom] So...

I sorta see why you never visited.

Who said that?

That's just your mom talkin'.

She could be happy anywhere.

Not me.

[Mayn] Do you want me to walk you in?

[Bloom] Do you wanna walk me in? [Mayn] No.

It's gonna be great!

[Jake] I was only peeking in to get a better look,

and then Mrs. Swoon pulled me in [chuckles].

You know guy cheerleaders are only just becoming acceptable

in the 21st century.

I only wanted to try so I could look up their skirts.

But, since they asked me to try out,

I might as well make my recreation an occupation.

- You're such a douche. - If only, Herbert.

If only [laughs].

You know, It's our God-given right

to be completely and thoroughly laid

by the time we're 16 in this country.

At the rate we're going...

[in unison] ...We'll be 22.

[Jake] Hey, do you hear a bird's song?

I hear it.

Wait for it, wait for it, and...

Hey Harmony.

I'm practicing the girls all through lunch

and I could really use a smoothie or I might flip.

Thanks, Herbie!

See ya!

We're counting the minutes!

Dude, you are so weak!

Shut up.

I'm telling you man,

if you don't get at that by Homecoming,

we're both S-O-L.

I live for you.

[school bell rings]

[Cinda] Well, welcome to Wednesday everybody.

So this week, the dance team's tryouts

are coming this Saturday on the field.

Tickets for the Homecoming dance will be on sale next week,

thirteen dollars apiece.

Freshman Honor Girl nominations are set for next Tuesday,

so make sure you all vote-- [door slams]

Give it here.

Great.

Another one. [exhales] Like we have the room.

[sighs] You're gonna have to sit there in the back, uhh...

- Bloom. - ...Bloom.

Unless you want to sit up here with me.

Yeah, right, nobody sits up here with me.

Make do in the back for now, okay?

[sarcastically] Oh, whoa, gosh I'm so sorry...

Gross!

[Tarble] All right...

Let's get this day started.

Mr. Archie, I need you to put away the hot wax

unless you want to be here making candles for me after school.

It's kinky, it's just wrong...

Meet me after class anyway, okay?

[Robbie] Out here's your check-in station.

Boss hates it when you call it a loading dock, so don't.

You mark the box you want here, you check all the colors...

Colors are very important around here.

Always the colors. Colors come first.

Pink is best, you know,

red only if you gotta, but never, ever, ever do brown.

Just do not do brown. Brown is for clowns, okay?

Brown-is-for-clowns, all right?

And then you just rub it out, you hand it off to your buddy there,

you're moving stock, okay? [worker below groans]

Then you've got your telcon processor,

and your copier.

So you're gonna have to add those up,

put them in separate accounts,

find the input on each of them, put 'em on the list, okay?

Then you're gonna make copies of these things.

You gotta make copy after copy after copy,

you know, one after the other.

Then you're gonna ref the hell out of it,

'cause you're gonna be looking at that more than you look at your wife.

You married?

Oh, this place is all about family.

Just tell the boss you're getting married, all right?

You lose your ring or something? Or, anyhoo, I don't know what's going on.

Your packet gives the rundown of all the peck-n-hen policies.

You know, just don't screw anybody, you'll be fine,

you know, unless she's a client.

Then you gotta-- look at you [laughs].

I was just joshin', I was just joshin'.

You got your workstation phone, you got your telcon system down already.

They test you for everything around here these days.

But you're gonna be fine, I bet.

[looking at woman] You're fine....eh!

[laughs] Watch it!

So, what happened?

You're a rapper, what happened?

Tapper...but--

I'm more of a blues man, myself,

I like, uh...Shaniah, and uh,

Paisley...Swift. Such.

Okay.

You have any questions, this is where I sit, okay?

right over here.

I'm the captain. K?

If you have any questions, let me know.

Dammit!

- When's lunch? - [Robbie] Shit!

[country music playing]

[Harmony to group] 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8!

Tighten up, Paige!

Hi.

Did you just Keri Creeper me?

Is she cute?

Never mind.

Hey, flip.

I noticed you before.

In Miss Tarble's class.

"Ain't she tarrible?"

What?

It's a thing.

Oh! Ha! Good one!

Cool meeting you, Keri.

It's Herbie!

Hey, how's the newbie?

Pretty hot, huh?

Nah, she's weird.

With great references.

Yeah, I had an enlightening experience

with those references just this morning.

[in unison] And it was a very lovely morning.

[Jake laughs]

- Herbie. - Harmony.

Jake.

You're still helping out on Saturday, right?

I could really use your creative eye.

Saturday?

Probably pointless, but the school makes us

try out every undiscovered, talent-less, non-dancer

they can throw our way.

You won't forget, right? Ten o'clock?

He'll be there.

[Jake] Hey, you wanna use your coach's key

to sneak in the girls' locker room after practice?

[Herbie] Again? Jake, you're really such a douche.

[Gracie] Hey, watch it!

Nailed by super flute...

[annoyed] It's a French bassoon, a bassoon.

- Hey, are you all right? - I'm fine.

Really, I swear.

Oh, shoot. Oh, here we go. Okay, no, don't cry.

If you cry then I'll have to cry. I'm very empathetic.

You know I can't even go to the dog races

because I get all...sweaty.

Why does everybody talk in riddles around here?

I'm Gracie.

Well, Grace, actually.

Well, Graceland if you want to get technical,

but we don't. Got it?

Got it. Thanks.

Hey, you're the new one, right?

Yeah, I could tell, on account of never seeing you before in my life,

and I know everyone here.

Well, they act like they don't know me, usually, but--

[bell rings]

Well, c'mon!

- You're in band? - Me? No, why?

Oh! No. They don't like bassoon.

But I'm very good. Are you very musical?

- No. - Very good.

Ooh, lemme guess: P.E. now?

How'd you know?

I'm telepathic.

[Tarble] After you finish your five laps,

circle off the field, down the steps, and back here.

Got it?

- Tarble teaches P.E., too? - Yeah, why?

Ain't she tarrrr-ible?

Didn't expect an answer.

That's why I'm a happy person. No expectations.

[Tarble] Go.

Go!

[blows whistle]

Bloom Courterfield, right? Harmony. Hi.

I wasn't sure of your size, so I took liberties.

Actually...

What's her deal?

Maybe that she hasn't been dealt with yet?

C'mon, let's sequester a safety pin!

[Aaron Landon's "Lost in the Moment" plays]

[indistinguishable]

[blows whistle]

♪ Tonight I'll be lost in the moment ♪

♪ tomorrow...[music fades out] ♪

Most of the teens have after-school work.

We haven't had a class for someone your age in, uh...

well....

since Nicole went to college. [chuckling]

- Ummm.... - Can I just rent a space?

Twenty-five dollars?

- A week? - An hour.

Just wanted to poke my head in before bed.

Where have you been?

The meeting ran long.

How's my Honor Girl?

Honorable.

Hmm.

I love this part.

How can you not miss doing that?

Kids your age should be in bed by now.

Go to bed!

[alarm beeps]

[knocks on door]

Bloom.

Bloom.

Okay.

[Glad Ghosts' "Let Me Love You" playing]

[music stops]

Unsupervised activities are not allowed in my gym, Courterfield.

The door was open.

Consider it closed.

[Gracie] Oh, there you are, I thought we were--

oh, okay, we're going this way.

This stupid--she doesn't even--

- [exhales] -Yeah! She, who?

Totally medieval.

A little histrionic, but we have history next.

Just one measly little floor. That's all I need!

And they get a whole gym! Who gets it, you ask?

- Did I? - The football players, of course.

The basketball players, oh sure,

and what do I get? A bruised knee!

That moronic window.

- Ugh - Who makes rectangular windows?

I know a good physical therapist! Wait, please!

After everything else,

this is where God thought,

"that's the place for Bloom, that's where she can handle it.

Heck, she handles her crazy uncle, who can not cook...

Dead mom? No problem!

Great grandma, no clue who I am!

Let's give her nothing to look forward to, day in, day out."

Awesome.

I'm going to go kick some butt!

Wait, where are you going now?

No clue!

Your mom's dead...

- You live with your uncle. - Am I on 'This is Your Life'?

Sorry.

Everyone says, "you'll get used to it here."

It's just, I don't want to get used to it.

I love to dance.

Well, what's stopping you?

Were you not listening?

You got your tennis, your volleyball,

4H...uh...

Ooh, there's archery, that's big this year.

No...

There really isn't a lot of dancing going on around here.

Ooh, unless you count the school dance team.

Led by Harmony.

You shoulda led with that.

Dance team tryouts tomorrow.

Come be one of us!

Well, how horrible could she be?

[Adley Stump's "Favorite Song" playing]

So...horrible.

I like it [makes noises].

Wait, where are you going now?

Nowhere. I'd invite you, but you got here first.

[exhales] I didn't mean that.

Okay, so they're not pros, but it's a small town.

They're all flash, and...country.

The choreography is like, pre-dating my birth.

Oh my God, you are a snob!

No I'm not!

Oh gosh, I am.

Show them what they could be.

[clapping]

Thanks, thank you everyone!

That was just a teeny sample

of the R. Murray High dance team's ferocity.

Ha! Ferocious! Whoo!

As you can tell, we are determined

for this year's team to be better

than it has ever dared to be.

And now we're excited to see your talents.

But prepare yourselves...

not everyone has 'star'

written on their hearts...

in blood.

Okay! Let's get to it.

When it's your turn,

state your name,

and why you wanna be,

a team dancer.

[Alex Brown's "Come On Shout" plays]

Well, what're you waiting for? Go bring it on!

That's cheerleading.

Whatever. Go...twizzle. Go.

Hi. I'm Bloom Courterfield.

And...

Why do you want to be a team dancer, hon?

I just...wanna move.

Then move out.

[Kate Brady's "Sailing Ships" plays]

[music stops]

[clapping]

Whoo! Yeah Bloom! Wow!

Yes.

Yeah!

Thank them for coming, honey.

- Thank you, everyone--

- Thank you all!

Thank you all.

I think some dancers are out there today.

Somewhere.

List goes up on Monday.

Uhh...check-check-check it out Monday, people.

But right now,

check your butts at the gate.

Wink.

[Lala offscreen] All right, huddle up.

[Herbie] Hey! That was really good!

[Bloom] Thanks!

[Indistinguishable]

- Uh, a wink! - Shh! No, no! Don't dance.

If your heart doesn't bleed sweaty feet and bunions, don't dance.

No, no, shh, don't dance. No, no. Don't dance.

Seriously, you have the twizzle factor.

Shh. Such language. Wink!

Mayn!

- Oh hey, Gracie, right? - Yeah.

Oh yeah, Gracie, this is my uncle, Mayn.

Hey, my 'Mayn' man!

So Fresh Prince.

[girls in unison] Huh?

Okay, well...We'll go this way,

and you go....

I don't know where you're going, but....yeah.

Okay. Don't have too much fun.

Remember, be yourself.

You know there's really only one spot available this year, anyway,

and I think it's pretty obvious--

Anybody but Bloom.

Wait, what?

Uh, honey, I don't think you've thought this one through.

I mean, is there anyone else but--

We can't use her.

We hate her.

Watch out, I have a rash! Who knows where it could be?

No new selectees?

No. C'mon. I'm not giving up.

[Adrenalin Electronica playing]

[Door slams] [music stops]

Do you need something?

[Bloom] This is dance team, right?

I didn't see my name on the list.

I thought it could be a mistake, so--

No mistake, hon.

We aren't taking anyone this semester.

Even if I could just--

You think you deserve a place on our dance team?

You walk in here with your nose in the air,

all flirts and flava, the high and mighty dance princess.

And you ruin shorts.

See, that's not how things work here.

So you can take your big fat ego

right out of our dance room.

It's the gym.

'Our' dance room.

[Steve Thompson's "Happy Daze" plays]

You really don't have to clean just 'cause I'm here.

I was just in hurry today.

Please! My room looks like a lot of people had a lot of fun.

[exhales] That stupid girl and her stupid, stupid dance team.

In other words,

you'd really love to be on that stupid dance team.

- So badly. - So work it out!

Look, everyone--even Miss Harmony-- has a weakness.

I mean, she's not completely made of ice.

Just all parts visible to the eye.

Exactly!

- Let's make a list. - [gasps] I love lists!

I...I could do her homework for her?

Straight A's.

Help her out with some new steps?

No, she's got the old P-R-Y-D.

No, there's got to be something other than buying her

or getting her stuff.

Yeah, something selfless,

something totally out of the goodness of my heart.

Wait a minute...this, this is perfect!

- What is? - Honor Girl!

Harmony is sure to win Honor Girl this year.

I mean, her sister was, and then Homecoming queen,

so Harmony is the sure thing.

What's that, some GPA thing?

Aww. That would make sense, but this is High School!

No, Homecoming, Homecoming queen, yada yada yada,

and then, there's the incoming Freshman girl, who's like,

[mockingly] bestowed the honor of representing the incoming class,

and rather unfortunately, in this case,

the future Homecoming queen. It's a big deal.

Like...like football in Texas.

Or here. Football's big here, too.

Then queen, then honor girl, in that order. Pyramid.

Sooo...

Sooo, somebody has to nominate her!

Gracie, that's perfecto!

Totally selfless, and in the true spirit of friendship.

She'll never see it coming.

So, yes, we are getting to the Honor Girl nominations.

So stop squirming, and remember that these

carefree, seemingly arbitrary and ceaseless days

will one day be over. For most of us.

- What are you doing? - Protecting our investment!

- It's a good plan, right? - It's gonna work!

Do I have any nominations for this year's Honor Girl?

[in unison] Divide and conquer!

Anyone?

I nominate Brantley Foster.

He looks like an honorable girl.

[laughter]

How thoughtful, Mr. Hockett.

And how naive, when you consider that Mr. Foster

will probably be in a position to hire you one day.

Hope he recalls this moment in your interview.

Miss Courterfield?

I'd like to nominate Harmony Swoon.

[clapping]

Big surprise, right?

Are there any other nominations,

or is this going to be an easy steal for Harmony?

Herbie?

I nominate Bloom Courterfield.

- Huh? - Huh?

Oh. [gasps]

Good luck, Bloom.

[exhales]

What. Just. Happened?

I. Don't. Know.

You! You did this!

You're Welcome.

Welcome? Hello, clueless!

It took us 35 minutes of conniving to make this all happen,

and it took you maybe 1.5 seconds to ruin everything!

- [Herbie] Sorry. - Gracie, it's okay.

You've driven your VW bug up my butt, Herbie Schuster.

Whoa. I think she can win, is all.

Against Harmony?

That was social suicide, even for you.

Sorry.

I probably won't win anyway, right?

Where there's a will, there's a misdemeanor.

[whispering]

I'm contestipated. [huffs]

I'm mulling.

Mmm. Who's that?

Cinda, meet rape.

[car honks]

[exhales]

[Bloom] Text me.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, what was that? The Bloom girl?

Jake, you just don't get it. That was hilarious.

It was?

Sure it was!

I love a landslide. You're the best!

Hey.

Sleepaway Camp is on TV tonight. You want to pollute our dreams?

Uh, yeah, sounds like a good bonding experience.

Maybe. I don't know.

I'm really tired.

I think...I'm just...you know,

gonna...go to bed.

[Steve Thompson's "Monster" plays]

[Bloom makes bird noises]

[Rooster call from outside]

Gracie?

- Gracie? - Rrrah!

I'm like the wrinkle. I disappear into the dark!

[laughing]

- Herbie? - Got the key?

- But how does he? - C'mon!

Aww, jeez.

[sighs] I'm a parent.

- [Bloom] Who's that? - Jake.

- This isn't a party! - [Jake] I'm the stakeout.

It isn't working. You guys...help me!

- See? [Thunder clap]

Ouch.

Okay, hurry!

Three's a crowd.

Disappointing show.

There's a lot of coffee in here.

What are you doing?

Looking for loose change.

Paydirt!

I bet dirt was rare back in the day.

"Pay me for that dirt!"

They're all for me.

Are you sure you don't wanna win?

Nope. C'mon.

No.

No.

People need to stop having kids. This is out of control.

...I said, "bro, I got this," and he said,

"bro, no, you don't got this. You got back fat."

I was like, "how do you know I got back fat?"

- Just kidding. I don't have back fat, but... - Shh!

Whew.

Let's ditch this now!

[gasps]

- [Mayn] Bloom?! - Mayn?

- [Mayn] are you frickin' kidding me? - Your dad's here?

He's not my--

No! No dads!

Girls, interesting cause,

I have no idea what you're doing here,

and uh, Herbie, well...

you're a cool dude.

Well, see ya!

Douche!

[Mayn] Get out here, now!

What are you doing here?

[Mayn banging on door]

- Play catch! - [Gracie] Hi, Mr. Courterfield!

Is Miss Tarble in?

Since you can't seem to keep yourself in line,

I didn't wanna to do this, but now there's gotta be rules.

- Rules? - Yep. First rule:

No breaking into places!

I can't have my good name dragged through the mud.

I haven't been almost arrested in this town for almost 15 years!

Clean slate, got it?

- I'm not going to-- - Rule Two: no boys.

I think we can both agree that it's just not in the cards.

Now, if you're into girls, we might be able to negotiate,

- I'm cool with lesbians. - Oh my God--

And, you gotta go to school, because I need my alone time.

And you gotta eat meat, because I eat meat.

It's protein. You won't get fat. It's good for you. This is about you.

Fine, I'm going to bed.

[door slams]

And no slamming doors!

That's a rule.

[Gracie on phone] Still under lock and key?

He didn't even take my phone.

And, I like doing dishes.

[Gracie] He's standing guard?

Yeah. It's pretty awful for him.

[Gracie] Not as awful as Tarble is going to be

when Herbie spills tomorrow.

[band playing]

[whistles]

Okay...all right.

All you R. Murray Highers.

All you Freshmen.

I'm high as a kite today,

'cause it's another glo-

glorious day, and I'm singing it!

Haven't see Herbie all day.

Probably ratting us out to Tarble right now.

[Principal] Dylan. Yeah, you. I can see that.

Infect me, I can feel the guilt from here.

Focus, high schoolers,

'cause..this-is-your-life!

Oh, what a great show.

Firstly, let's hear it

for Brantley Foster...

county champ cross-stitcher!

Goooo Brantley!

Okay, folks.

Today begins the countdown

to Homecoming. [crowd cheers]

All you Homecoming princesses and princes,

this is you!

Let's go! Chop chop!

Let's say 'hey' to our full Homecoming court.

Oh God...

It's just like Tarble to shame you in front of the whole school.

And to the youngest of our court,

our Honor Girl nominees.

It was nice knowing you.

It's like the Oscars up here.

And the votes are in.

What a fabulous example of the standardized popularity contest

so ingrained in the tradition

that the American high school was built on.

[stammering] All right,

if you say so, um...

And what do we have here?

A first time nominee, and yet...

she has already outdone so many

for this lofty nomination.

In true R. Murray High spirit, I say...

let's get to know our newbies!

Whaddya say we give her

a fair shake? [chuckles]

Reach out, and...

re-vote!

What?!

Yes, a re-vote.

I challenge you all

to get to know our new student.

And next week,

we'll all vote our brains out

for...Bloomie...Couterfeller...

and the rest of the Homecoming hopefuls!

Oh no.

Isn't he wonderful?

Oh!

Wonderful?

I wanted to get disqualified, not re-qualified.

Cinda. Harmony. Harmony. Cinda.

They're like, attached.

And, not gonna lie, that got me thinking.

Homecoming's in just a couple days,

and uh, I should just tag along with you and Harmony.

Cinda's so into me.

What do you think about Bloom?

Honor Girl? Again?

I nommed her.

I thought that was a joke.

Is that something I would do?

Whoa, Whoa. You're taking yourself too seriously again, man.

You did this chick a favor. You put her on the map.

But Harmony should be Honor Girl.

And...Harmony's maybe willing to hook up a little bit.

Not a lot.

But it'll get me a date with Cinda, and then everybody wins.

Bets are off, bro.

Bets are off?

What does that mean, bets are off?

[to camera] Drives me crazy when he doesn't use his words.

Jeez.

Hey, Alisha...hey you're coming with me to homecoming, right?

Right? Lisha?

[Wild Sons' "Supernova" playing]

Ooooh...

[phone rings]

Housekeeping.

[Gracie on phone] This is your conscience speaking.

Put down the garbage.

Come...exit to the doorway to liberty.

To being free of the untidy.

Well? Rally! Where's my Honor Girl?

Text Harmony.

Fesitve.

Oh, I thought you'd at least be sorta excited for the big performance.

There you'll be: Honor Girl, waving to your pions from your float.

Your crown...

Ugh.

And then, Bam!

Music blasts, and said Honor Girl performs whatever talent she wants

for the whole town.

[Gracie] C'mon!

- I'm hungry. - I don't care!

Okay, it's just a little bit further.

Ta da!

Are we on a picnic? Because I didn't bring any food,

and I'm starving.

Welcome, Miss Smartass, to your new rehearsal space!

Ta da!

What did you do?

Okay, so I raked up all of this right here,

so it's pretty flat, and then--oh--

over here you can put your stuff,

or sit, and stretch like this,

on your very own one-of-a-kind fallen tree bar,

and then over there you can-- Whoa! Flip!

You could really win this thing, you know?

[Mayn softly] All right...

- Hey, is this new? [doorbell rings]

I don't wanna wear anything that somebody else has worn, okay?

Hooga booga!

Terrifying.

If you're 12.

Maybe eight.

What're you supposed to be?

The "death of dreams."

Ooh, sexy.

Uh, Bloom, your slightly off-putting friend is here.

Ooh, Carrie, right?

No, I'm a victim of the American healthcare system.

- Oh, sickening. - I know, right?

Reserves...

We're going!

Okay, we've got your hand buzzers,

your special pumpkin...

...guts...blaster...

This is a new hat.

- It's lovely. - But I have to tell you, honey,

your outfit is stunning!

[Jeff Dane's "5th of July" playing]

Good job.

Then you do it.

Going my way?

I don't think so.

Look,

if you don't wanna drive me home,

then just say so.

Oh!

Whoa, partner.

Oh...

I don't swing that way.

Well, maybe after a couple more beers.

I was on Broadway...

everybody swings 'that' way.

Except me.

Friends?

He's with me, Micah.

[in unison] Trick or treat, smell my feet,

gimme something good to eat.

Don't you cheat, 'cause my feet,

are the gateway to my seat!

Oh no.

Aww...Swoon Palace.

I do love her house.

Three stories...pillars...cul-de-sac.

I do love me a good cul-de-sac.

- Festival? - Okay.

Jake! Where's Herbie?

I don't know. He didn't come out.

Bloom.

I didn't see you there.

Enjoy the show?

Yeah, I thought it was...

really interesting.

See anything you wanna steal?

Huh?

Wait, what?

Seems like what you do, so lemme help you out.

Do you like this?

- I dunno-- - Or what about this?

You know,

I think you'd be better off with something like this--

[clapping and cheering]

Yeah, cat dancing!

Cat fighting.

Cat dance-fighting.

Cats, that's a thing, right?

A little predic for the redic.

[clapping and cheering]

Nice.

Nice? is that it?

For a country girl.

Hey, where are you going?

I think I'm just gonna go home.

So the teacher starts pirouetting around

with the little girl's head attached to her tutu.

She's dragging this poor little thing

all over the stage [laughing].

Two little girls are crying,

one's playing catch with her--

[laughs]

So you stopped.

Why?

Bad hip, bad ankles, bad knees... mostly the hip.

Your grandmother's still pretty sick?

And I'm still here.

Well, it's no New York.

[Mayn laughs]

But we do love our fresh blood.

I had a really nice time tonight.

Is it over?

Ugh.

I need a drink.

Where's dancer chick?

Blacking out on sugar.

I've been asking girls out all day.

I think I've asked out every girl in town.

Not me.

Well this sucks.

You're friendless, I'm dateless.

I mean, I get why you, but why me?

Where did we go wrong?

[Male voice from inside house] Stupid little sh-- Get back here!

Get back here!

You okay?

He'll cool off.

It's pretty warm out, isn't it?

You really want to talk about the weather?

C'mon.

Not yet, don't turn around.

You look like a Splatterhouse chick.

Just don't look, okay?

Don't flip, it's just me.

Her-bie! Her-bie!

[Herbie yells out]

[Bonnie Dune's "Something More" playing]

Stop it.

Next time,

let's stay out here all night.

I think our parents would have something to say about that.

Not mine.

All those lights up there...

and it's still dark down here.

Mom used to say the stars were people who'd gone to heaven.

And the lights were their halos glowing.

That's why they're round.

You're feeling better.

I was...

What would Harmony say?

I don't know.

Something like,

"hey Herbie, good luck. Bloom's awesome."

Yeah, and then she'd slay a chicken in my honor.

Are you coming to Homecoming with me?

Let's go.

Will you?

I just said, let's go.

You're not wearing anything.

[music plays] [Mayn tap dancing]

[music stops]

[voice over P.A.] Mornin', everybody.

Happy Tuesday.

Everybody please listen up for morning announcements

We had to reset our safety calendar.

We've had four days without a major incident.

But we're happy to report that Tommy is in full recovery,

and should be back to work next week.

If you plan on giving him a congratulatory handshake,

as a courtesy, please remember [Robbie slurping]

to use your left.

Also, Amy from accounting has brought in some cupcakes,

so come on up.

Well, that's about it.

Hope to see you all at the company picnic next Friday.

- It's that. - I've got it.

Sorry I left last night.

It's fine.

How was swimming?

Rob and Danny saw. The whole school knows by now.

Jake?

Jake?

Yo! What did I win?

C'mon, horndog.

Man, I don't have a lot of time,

girls' volleyball is almost finished.

Did Danny tell you, too?

Can't the bragging wait 'til after my biology report?

And you call me the horny toad.

Yeah, don't touch me.

[door opening]

What?

That's what I said.

"What? What Danny? Don't mess me."

I'm about to win Honor Girl, which means

I'm going to become Queen someday.

It's Honor Girl, Harmony.

It's stupid.

You said you were my boyfriend.

You said it.

Honor Girl isn't stupid, it's me, I'm stupid!

I let you do things to me no other boy's--

I'm gonna go with Bloom.

Because she'll go skinny dipping with you? Huh?

[door opens]

I'll get you.

I'll get you, Herbie!

Harmony has posters all over. You definitely need some.

Oh, I dunno.

Stay away from my stuff.

Oh my God, swipe left!

What a flip.

Are you all right?

Ugh, Harmony's such a skeezy scoreboard.

How many of those posters do you think I'm gonna need?

[music playing]

Vote for Bloom!

Vote for me!

Vote for me!

Vote for Bloom!

I didn't just walk into being nominated for this,

I worked for it.

My sister 'was' Honor Girl.

That chick has no respect for what's come before.

And sucking up to Herbie, too.

Cinda, you're being so latch today.

[in unison] No more doom, vote for Bloom!

Bloom for Honor Girl!

I hate that girl.

Hey!

Oh. Are you going to practice?

If I can find a quiet place.

I'm just trying to win.

I mean, why not?

Ooh, it's the buffoonist.

[Girl #2] Hi buffoonist.

You guys, that isn't very nice.

Play something for us.

- Play it! - Play it!

Play it!

Go Graceland!

[girls laughing]

Looks like you'll win for sure.

Oh, c'mon Gracie, they were just kidding.

Hey Bloom, c'mon.

[doorbell rings]

You came!

Well, yeah, didn't you expect me to?

Man, this is...

Would you excuse me just a minute?

I just wanna make sure my--

that everything is...copacetic.

Could you help me up here with something for a moment?

Who, me?

This came for you.

Anything you want to tell me?

Well I didn't get in, okay?

Mayn, it's just...

never mind.

Hey-hey wait a minute, young lady!

Don't slam that door!

[exhaling]

Grams?

It's okay.

I bet you're hungry, huh?

Allison?

Where...

where are you?

It's okay. It's okay.

Oh Grams...

everything's not okay.

[soft piano music playing]

[exhales]

That step isn't going to fix itself.

Get it together, Courterfield.

Stalker!

I was just passing by.

Passing by?

In the forest?

I might have followed you.

Thought I could brush up on my skills.

What's wrong?

Everything. This is wrong.

It sucks, and the thing's Friday.

I suck.

[turns on piano music]

Can you teach me how to dance to this?

Here.

Just easy.

See? The steps are there.

They're not.

And there's no one in this stupid town

that can help me.

Mayn's drunk, the studio in this town is useless,

Gracie's still mad at me,

and I'm going to be stuck here forever.

And I hate country music!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You gotta get your head in the game, Bloom.

What?

You gotta drill, you gotta zone, you gotta work.

That's what it's about.

And I'm gonna coach you.

[scoffs] You?

Me.

Okay. Game on.

That's my line.

[You I Need's "Let it Go" playing]

Again!

Again!

Again!

No "again."

Bloom KO'd.

Herbie?

Have you ever been...

dealt with?

Me?

I'm the original un-dealted.

Your classic no shorts, no shirt, no service.

Courterfield!

[into phone] Ah... I'll get back to you

with those very important numbers,

and you'll definitely be hearing from me, again and again.

Courterfield, what is this? You sandbagging me?

No, I--

Uh...what was that?

I think you ought to pull this act together of yours elsewhere.

N-n-n-no, Robbie, you don't understand,

I mean, it was just a long night, that's all.

Courterfield. I think I'm a nice guy, you know?

Am I a nice guy?

I think I'm a nice guy.

You know, yeah, I'm a nice guy.

Yeah, I think I'm a nice guy.

I like you, too.

So you see, I'm trying to be a nice guy here.

I'm good at it, you know?

It helps get me laid-- don't tell Sheila, all right?

- -but I like being nice, right?

I gave you the solid hard one at the plant, okay?

I rubbed a little niceness on your chest,

I dabbed a little niceness behind your ears,

I slapped ya silly.

I like being nice, you know? That's just in me.

So my question to you is,

Mayyyy...whatever, uh,

Mr. Courterpounder, uh,

I like to hit the sauce a little bit.

[mockingly] Is this coffee, I don't know?

It doesn't smell like coffee, is it? Ooh, no, it's not coffee.

My question to you is...

you know...

am I, am I just too nice?

[exhales]

Jacob Schuster there?

[Harmony crying] Yep, I'll hold.

A little louder honey, they can't hear you in Modesto...

Mr. Schuster?

This is Lala Swoon, Harmony's--

Uh-hmm.

I don't want to take you away from your work over there,

but I thought you might find it pertinent to understand

what your son has been doing to my daughter.

What are you doing home?

I got a call from the Swoons.

Your job?

Mrs. Swoon.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah?

Hello...

Is your mom around?

Dad!

Stay inside.

- What the hell are you doing here? - Hi!

Hey! Get off her, you--

- Doug, stop it! - Who is this?

That's 'my' wife, okay?

Get off my property!

I'll take care of you, come on, come on inside.

[to Mayn] I'm so sorry.

[breathing heavily]

I didn't know...

she didn't tell me...

[Bloom] Morning.

Are you still dancing?

Your mother was the best dancer.

Better than Mayn.

Everybody said so.

But she gave it up.

To have you.

Is Mayn up?

I...

Mayn, are you gonna get up?

Are you at least coming tonight?

Mayn! Oh my God, what happened to you?

No, don't. Don't!

Do you need me to call your work?

You got fired, didn't you?

Oh my God, how could you do this?

Bloom?

No! I'm about to do something tonight. Something that's important to me,

and you're gonna miss it like you've been missing everything else.

I can't believe this! I take more care of you,

with your stuff everywhere, and your drinking all the time,

- than you do for yourself! - Hey, hey, don't you talk like that to me!

I left New York for you.

- You had no place left to go! - Hey just calm down!

Just throw me in a well and call me Jessica!

Stupid kid, you stupid kid, you've got everything,

everything is there for you. There's nothing left for me that I want!

That's right.

You're left with me.

And I don't want you, either.

I'll be outta here soon enough.

So, I'm telling you, my dad's got this 'Stang convertible.

I could probably score that baby to take us.

But wouldn't your dad be driving?

Just think on it.

Think hard.

[Jake] Hey.

- [Girls responding] Eww! - Get off!

Eww, gross!

M-O-L-E-S-T-R...

[in unison] Don't touch me inside my star.

See ya creeper, you're dismissed,

take me off your mailing list.

[Jake] Huh.

Jake.

Jake!

Have you seen Herbie anywhere today?

Nah, he's not here. And I just got rape cheered.

They rape cheered me!

But where is he?

Gracie?

[band playing]

[crowd cheering]

Another great score for R. Murray High!

Yeah, boy!

Now don't get verklempt, people,

but it's almost halftime,

and the crowning of our queen!

Calm down, it's a redic cheer.

You know what this means, Herbie?

I don't think they're gonna wanna date me now.

Jake, they never wanted to date you.

Stop kidding, this is serious.

It's like they've all turned on me, man.

All those good women.

Are we ready?

This is going to be the best Homecoming ever.

You're so right! [laughing]

You're okay.

You're fine.

You're okay.

- Herbie, you're here! - Yeah, we are--

Still friends?

Sure, Harmony.

Hey, so Kenny has the slop covered, but who's doing it?

The what?

I'm really glad you pumped that girl up so much.

This actually makes this all the more fun.

Oh good, Bloom--

Hey!

I've been texting you and you weren't at school...

I just saw Harmony outside--

I bet she looks great. It doesn't matter.

I'm doing this no matter what.

It feels good...you know?

But Bloom...

I just wanted to see you in your costume.

You're gonna see me on the float, silly.

What is it?

[Tarble over P.A.] Homecoming court!

I need you on the float, now!

- [Bloom] I look all right? - [P.A.] Now!

You look really good.

Herbie?

Herbie?

Herbie, what're you doing?

[banging on door]

Oh hey, is Bloom in there? There's something I needed to tell her.

She's already on the float. C'mon.

Annnnnd, it's that time, folks.

Halftime!

And you know what that means...

it's all about the queen!

Who is she?

Where is she?

What happens now?

Where is she?

Wait...

Where's Herbie?

What?

[whistle blows]

Harmony Swoon, up please!

Harmony?

Haarrrmony!

I thought you were walking in with the floats?

Hello?!

Can anyone hear me? I'm locked in!

Miss Tarble?!

Janitor?!

[door unlocks]

[band playing]

Hey, where'd you go?

Here they come,

the Homecoming Court, everyone.

I'd say they have the look

of stars in their eyes tonight.

Or one look, or another, right?

Ahh, high school.

Didn't you just love the '80's?

And there's our Honor Girls...

No!

[P.A.] ...who knows,

future Homecoming queens, maybe?

As is tradition, our Honor Girl nominees

will start us off with their performance.

Bloom!

Bloom, stop!

[P.A.] It's like Broadway, people.

We have...Bloom Counterfeller,

and Harmony Swoon!

["DJ Girl" plays]

[crowd cheers]

[crowd cheering] Yeah Bloom!

Oops!

[crowd gasps]

Upsi-daisy!

C'mon. You're not going to miss your big moment.

Here, lemme wipe that.

Now get out there,

they're waiting for you, you big piece of crap!

[crowd laughing and cheering]

[over P.A.] What a performance!

Can't say we don't have a flair for the dramatic.

Now, uh...I believe

that was all part of the show.

Don't freak, people.

Where's the friggin' contingency binder?

Honor Girl!

Wha-ha-ha-hoo!

[crowd cheers]

[over P.A.] I guess that makes our Honor Girl

Miss Harmony Swoon! [crowd cheers]

Actually, it doesn't.

The votes are in. Honor Girl 2015

is Bloom Courterfield.

Although I don't know why she would ever want to represent this school.

I'm the one still standing, honey. I win. I win!

I'm sorry. You don't win just for showing up.

There are winners, and there are losers.

And you, Miss Swoon, are a loser!

[gasping]

Ain't I tarrrrible?

[over P.A.] Uh...thank you, Miss Tarble.

What a gal!

She has tenure...

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

drum roll, please.

It's time to find out

who your 2015 R. Murray High

Homecoming Queen is...

Wait, Bloom!

I just had to say, I accept your apology,

and I didn't vote for you.

Okay.

Okay, I did vote for you, but only so you'd stop acting

like such an opossum.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

[national anthem plays]

Bloom.

It's G.G.

Gracie!

Ugh, swipe left!

Hey, you gotta help me.

I'm not gonna go.

I wanna stay here with you.

You know, you're gonna have your whole life to do this.

These people aren't going anywhere.

I'm not going anywhere.

But you are.

It goes so fast.

I think you should try for it.

You do?

Hey Courterfield,

hear the dance team's in need of a new captain. You interested?

[together] No.

I like a man who can take a beating. [honks horn]

[starts engine]

Maybe I'll go with you...

Okay, fine.

But there's gonna have to be some rules.

Rules?

Number one:

no dating my current, or former, teachers.

It's just weird.

And two:

there's gonna be boys, so, you're just gonna have to deal.

And physical therapy, physical therapy, physical therapy!

And you're gonna be sober, and get your act together.

I can't have you dragging our good rep through the mud.

You already did that.

[Taylor Ames' "Foxes" playing]

You here to lock me up?

Depends.

Am I gonna have to save you again?

Only from you. [Mayn clears throat]

Shh.

You want this?

No.

Go out with me.

- No! - Do it!

No!

I'll pay you!

How much?

One thousand dollars.

No.

[James Bell X's "Saving the Best for Last" playing]