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J when she sighs j

j and her baby-blue eyes embrace your face j

j lies all lies j

j what the lady wants is your closet space j

j bachelor j

j in paradise j

be careful j

j bachelor j

j in paradise j

j beware j

j lights down low j

j Frankie's records and cocktails on the floor j

j you should know j

j it's the garden of Eden j

j scene once more j

j Adam j

j come on be smart j

j just take your fig leaf j

j and depart j»

j and leave one bachelor less j

j in paradise jj

Male narrator: These days, as you may have noticed

many a motion picture opens

with a scene which rightly belongs

somewhere in the middle of the story,

but this time we have a novelty.

This picture opens where the story begins,

somewhere in the south of France.

Pardonnez-moi, madame.

Chapter seven...

"The French widow."

The mature French woman

has elevated the physical act of kissing

to an artistic level unattained by any other society.

Kissing an experienced French woman

provides the average male with a sensation

that compares favorably with, uh...

With, uh...

Pardon.

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur niles.

A transatlantic call for you from your publisher.

Oh.

Pick it up right there.

Hello? Hello, Austin?

Austin: I thought I'd never get you on the phone.

I've had you paged all over France.

Do you realize, I've been up all night trying to get you,

and all I can get from the operator

is that you're out or that your... your line's engaged,

whatever that is.

It's noon over here, and I haven't even

had any breakfast yet.

Dear lad, how are you?

Oh, hard at work.

I'm up to chapter seven on how the French live.

- How's it coming? - Oh, fine.

I'm two weeks ahead in research,

and four months behind in the writing.

I'm afraid you'll have to interrupt it, Adam.

And fly back here on the next jet,

what? Why?

Because of the demands of the United States government.

A very large domestic organization.

Oh, yes. I used to get my mail from them.

- Is anything wrong? - Wrong?

You're in deep and serious difficulties, Adam,

to be euphemistic about it.

I'll see you in Washington tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow? But I'm in the middle of a book? I just can't...

You're in the middle of a tornado, Adam.

And it's liable to destroy you completely.

Now, climb on that next jet out of Paris,

and don't speak to a soul.

Mind you, no publicity.

Yes, but, Austin, it's not that...

In fact, if anybody asks you,

deny that you're a.J. Niles.

Use an alias...

Your mother's maiden name.

Or was niles your mother's maiden name?

Your innuendo is offensive. = what innuendo?

Uncle Sam has been calling you one for days.

$628,470?

That's according to our present calculations.

It may be more.

But it can't be more. I didn't earn that much.

Even the government can't take over 100 percent.

Dear, lad, they subpoenaed me.

I had to give them the figures.

Mr. niles, you've been out of the country for 14 years.

You wrote a dozen books which grossed

a total of $1,214,704.63.

Yeah, but what about my expenses?

We have no record of any expenses.

I sent them all to my business manager every month.

I explained all that to these gentlemen, Adam.

That doesn't alter the fact that you're responsible

for the actions of your business manager, Mr. niles.

Well, doesn't anyone have any idea where he ran off to?

Vanished like a puff of smoke.

I just can't believe that Herman wappinger is dishonest.

That man wears piping on his vest.

In all the years, Mr. niles, that Mr. wappinger's

been handling your affairs,

he never once has filed an income tax return for you.

Now, we're most sympathetic, Mr. niles,

but this is a clear case of fraud.

All my life's earnings down the drain,

just because I was stupid enough

to give Herman wappinger my power of attorney.

I'm not only a criminal, I'm also a pauper.

You haven't a dime, Adam.

The department has attached everything,

all your royalties as they come in.

We had to, Mr. niles. That's the law.

Yeah, I know that law. It's called "instant poverty."

Well, you might as well put me in jail.

At least I'll be able to eat.

That won't be necessary under the circumstances.

Mr. palfrey has offered to put up a surety bond.

Oh, thanks, Austin. Then I'm free to leave?

You're free to leave this office, but not this country.

Thanks a million.

Two hundred and fourteen thousand

seven hundred and four dollars...

And sixty three cents.

I'm an American citizen, they can't force me

to stay in this country.

Oh, yes, they can, dear boy.

Until you pay back those $624,000,

or until Herman wappinger's conscience

forces him to materialize.

Yeah, and right now Herman's probably on a yacht

with four beautiful gals, living it up.

I hope he's taking notes.

In the meantime, what do I do?

You could go to work.

Yeah, I could go back to Cleveland,

get my old job in the sports desk.

Sixty-two-fifty a week and free passes for the dog show.

No. I have an idea for you.

- Your next book. - What "next" book?

I haven't finished researching my last one.

Then you can start researching your next one immediately.

- How the Americans live. - You're joking.

I'm not joking at all, dear boy.

A niles'-eye view of America might be absolutely sensational.

It could be the biggest seller you've had yet.

And if it's anything like your others,

half of the people of America will buy it

just to see what they've missed.

Of course, the other half will buy it

to see what you've missed.

You've got to do it, Adam!

But how? How am I going to live?

I'll subsidize you.

Your rent and $75 a week.

Seventy-five dollars?

Look, don't go over budget just to save a human life.

Eighty-five and not a penny more.

You can eat oatmeal instead of caviar.

Yeah, but it tastes terrible with champagne.

- I'll need a secretary. - One ugly secretary.

One that can type, huh?

And one more thing...

This is America, not Europe.

Our attitude towards our women is different.

- Sex hasn't gone out, has it? - No, of course not.

I'd heard it'd been replaced by television.

As long as you're here, no experiments with women.

How am I gonna research without experiments?

Strictly by observation, dear boy.

If you get involved, no more allowance.

I'm in trouble enough, I guess I could hideout

in a place like bucks county.

No good. Not typical.

Nowadays, the average American lives in a planned community.

A housing development.

You mean one of those tract things where they

tear down the old slums and put up new slums?

Oh, they're more appealing than that.

Take, for example, paradise village.

Paradise village?

Yak! Sounds revolting.

It's a modern community in the San Fernando valley.

Who lives there, horses?

Now don't sneer, dear boy.

Fortunes have been made in such communities

as paradise village.

I've even invested a little myself.

And with the population growth in California,

it forms a cross-section of the entire country.

I've arranged for a house for you there.

Under an alias of course.

And you expect me to live there?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I better get my distemper shots.

You better wait for me.

My name is Adams. Jack Adams.

Oh, yes, Mr. Adams. We've been expecting you.

Yeah, well, my cab driver didn't know how to get to paradise.

He's an atheist.

Come right this way.

Uh, Mr. Adams is here.

How do you do, Mr. Adams?

I'm Rosemary Howard. = you are?

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

Oh? What were you expecting?

Well, frankly, nothing.

Well, your house is all ready for you.

Won't you sit down?

Mr. palfrey said that you weren't sure

how long you'd be here,

so I drew up a simple lease, month-to-month.

If that's alright? = that'll be fine.

It's a standard form. Oh, well...

Don't you want to wait until you see the house first?

It'll be adequate. = you're sure?

Well, it's the only one, isn't it?

Well, yes. We don't rent in paradise as a rule.

But we hope you'll love it so much

that you'll want to buy here.

If you're selling, I'll buy.

We've arranged for a rental car.

It'll be delivered to the house tomorrow.

But I can take you over there now if you like.

I'd love. Let me pay off the cab and get my bags.

Ahh! Our Mr. Adams has arrived!

Welcome to paradise, Adams!

Rosemary: Mr. Adams, this is Mr. jynson.

Developer and president of the tract.

Well, you're a friend of Austin palfrey's, huh?

It's a pleasure to have you aboard.

You will find this truly is paradise.

Schools, churches, country club,

playground, pool, shopping center.

As we say, a family can live a full and happy life

in paradise and never leave the village.

But they're allowed to, aren't they?

Oh, of course, they're allowed to.

You and your family...

Adam: No, I don't have a family.

No family? = no.

Mr. Adams is a bachelor?

Well, don't worry. It's not catching.

I know, but a bachelor in paradise...

You'll be the only one.

Well, that sounds like fun.

I better pay my cab driver.

I'd hate to put him in a higher bracket.

Thomas: Rosemary.

Ginnie...

Does your mother know you're reading this trash?

Ginnie: I'm 18.

Thomas: Rosemary, may I see you a minute, please?

Would you show Mr. Adams to my car, please?

Yeah.

Crazy.

A Latin student, huh?

I'm not sure this is a good thing, not sure at all.

He is a bachelor, and this is a family community.

Well, I'm a bachelor, too.

I've lived here for quite some time.

Well, you're a woman. That's different.

Why?

As I understand it takes a member of each sex.

But you're a special case. You're steering away from men.

And I do wish you'd get over that, Rosemary.

We were discussing Mr. Adams.

Now when it comes to personal matters,

I suggest you concern yourself more

with your own domestic problems.

I did not appreciate that remark.

Well, I'm sorry, but if you weren't so suspicious

of every Tom, dick, and Harry, you and Dolores...

Never mind Dolores.

Whose house did you get for Adams, huh?

Mine.

You rented him your house? = mm-hmm.

I moved in with old Mrs. Curtis.

She needed someone to take care of her, anyway.

Why don't you think of yourself for a change?

A girl like you could have anything she wanted if she...

If she'd be sweet and charming...

Or just obliging to a man?

Just because you had one unhappy experience...

Listen, one is all I needed.

I'm strictly on my own, Tom, and I intend to stay that way.

Now if you'll excuse me. Mr. Adams is waiting.

You're much more attractive than my last cab driver, Mrs. Howard.

Thank you, but it's miss Howard.

Miss?

Don't they harvest the crops around here?

Well, you're a bachelor.

Yeah, but that's intentional.

- I mean, anytime... - Oh, I know what you mean.

But you may be even more amazed to learn that

some women remain single intentionally.

Well, as one confirmed bachelor to another,

I think we'll hit it off.

When I left, if a man wanted a house,

he built one and that was that.

Oh, you must have been away a long time.

What's all that up there?

Rosemary: That's paradise hills.

A new development Mr. jynson started.

But he had to stop work on it for a while.

The minute I met him, I said to myself,

"now here's a man with an arrested development.”

Mr. jynson is a very intelligent businessman.

Then what's holding up paradise hills?

Well, it's a personal matter, but only temporary.

Do you intend do your work in the valley or downtown?

At home. = oh.

Which reminds me, I'll need a secretary for some typing.

Is there anybody in the neighborhood?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

I'll inquire around, but most women in paradise

have husbands and children.

Lot of families get started that way.

It would be pink.

That's not pink.

That's California coral.

Who thinks up all the names for colors in this country,

Tennessee Williams?

- Just like that, no key? - Oh, there is.

But nobody has to lock a house in paradise.

Hey, it's very attractive.

Even the termites seem to like it.

That's pecky cypress, and it's quite the rage.

Ah! It's very charming.

What do you call this style? Early Disneyland?

By sliding these open,

you can bring the outdoors in.

Bugs and all.

This is your TV.

And here's the bar.

Hmm.

The last tenants must have been real drunks.

There's not a drop left.

There're two bedrooms, but only one is furnished.

One is all a bachelor needs if he works it right.

Sweet.

Painter couldn't make up his mind, huh?

What's this? A runway for the mice?

If you're so disenchanted with the house, Mr. Adams.

I'll be happy to tear up the lease.

Oh, no. No. Don't do that.

It's not a bad little cracker box at all.

One hundred million Americans

would love to live in this cracker box.

That would make it crowded, wouldn't it?

Is there anything else I can show you?

No. Just let me stumble around for myself

and enjoy the thrill of discovery.

I suppose you have a kitchen, broom closets.

Oh, all the comforts.

- Even indoor plumbing. - Oh, good.

- I hate those long walks. - Good afternoon, Mr. Adams.

Oh, wait. My luggage?

What was that? = the school bus.

Sounds like one of the kids is driving.

What do you say we break out of here tonight,

and let me take you to dinner?

Thank you, but I have a business appointment.

Oh.

What about tomorrow night?

Lonely bachelors should stick together, don't you think?

Oh, definitely, and if I find one that I think you'd like,

I'll let you know, Mr. Adams.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hi. Who are you?

I'm Mr. Adams. I'm moving in here.

I'm Peter. I live down there.

- Down where? Peter: I won't tell you.

I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Is he a stranger? = sure.

This is my sister Mrs. macintyre.

Mrs. macintyre?

Well, ma'am, how do you do?

How do I do what?

It's just not my day for women.

He sure is a stranger. Come on.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Ohh!

You scared me.

- Who are you? - Well, I'm Jack Adams.

And I didn't know you come with the house?

Are you a friend of Rosemary's?

Not yet.

Well, then, what're you doing in her house?

Oh, is this Rosemary Howard's house?

Sure. Didn't you know?

No, but I wish I had.

She's renting this place to me, but she didn't tell me that.

Oh! Now that you mentioned it, she did say that.

Well, hi. I'm Linda delavane, your next-door neighbor.

- Hi. - I came in to grind my garbage.

Well, what's the matter with your own garbage grinder?

Well, we don't have one.

See, you get your choice of garbage disposer or dishwasher.

So we took the dishwasher

because the disposer was a little extra,

and Larry didn't feel we oughta obligate ourselves too heavily.

- Larry? - My husband.

Don't tell me you're married?

I better be, I've got two children.

Larry's a senior inertial control systems analyst.

A very important position.

Yeah, specially if you want your

inertial control system analyzed.

- Yeah. - You're Southern, aren't you?

- Savannah, Georgia! - Well, sho'.

But I met Larry in school in Michigan.

- I was on a scholarship. - Basketball?

Romance languages.

I was going to teach, but we got married the day we graduated.

And then Stevie came along, and then Dougie,

and now I'm settled down here in paradise village

as a hausfrau.

You're a living soap opera.

Don't you like it here?

Oh! For the children, it's marvelous,

but for me there's so little cultural stimulation,

and I'm sure the good lord didn't intend for me

to use my phi beta kappa key

to punch holes on the top of a grated cheese can.

What're you doing there?

I'm trying to loosen this so it will start again.

Rosemary showed me how to do it.

She's a terribly sweet person.

When theirs gets stuck, she takes in

garbage from the whole neighborhood.

Hm. It's nice of her to find a location like this for me.

Right in the middle of things.

Can I help you there?

Now, hold it firm and try to move it around.

- Yeah. Hm-hm. - Yeah, that's it.

Sort of like stirring the fudge, isn't it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hold it!

- Hold it! Hold it! - You got it on high?

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Okay.

They get kinda vicious when they haven't been fed for a while.

- Don't they? - Yeah.

Hello, men!

You broke my drum!

And you shouldn't leave it lying here any way.

Let's turn this down!

Phew!

David Douglas delavane!

- Hey, who put your cage on? - Mommy did.

He started eating a bottle of nail Polish.

He did, eh? You little Billy goat, you.

Uh, Stevie, take his gloves off

and let's get him ready for dinner.

- Linda, I'm home! - I'm here, honey.

Y... your birthday? =- hmm-mm.

Our anniversary? My birthday? = no. No.

It's our new neighbor's idea, Mr. Adams.

- He rented Rosemary's house. - Yeah.

He says a man likes to come home and see his wife

in a pretty frock, all fresh and with her hair combed.

You know something, he's right.

Oh, you'd like him. He's quite nice looking.

Kinda cute, very mysterious. And he speaks French.

What's so mysterious about speaking French?

You've got a husband and two sons to feed, baby.

Let's eat. = in a while.

Give me ten minutes. = ten minutes?

I guess I just sort of lost track of time.

Jack and I got to chatting.

I was transported to all sorts of romantic places.

Forgot all about dirty dishes and diapers.

Oh! So that's the equation, is it?

Mr. Adams equals mystery and romance.

Mr. delavane equals diapers and dishes.

Larry!

Some stranger moves in, starts filling my wife

with a lot of talk about romantic places,

and changing her clothes, and speaking French.

I never did trust that language.

Oh, Larry, don't be so sensitive.

Are you jealous? = me? Jealous?

No. But there are some jealous husbands around here,

and if your Mr. Adams starts transporting their wives,

there's going to be more trouble in paradise

than Eve started with that apple!

Say, would you please send a cab to 22931 katherina street?

Right away.

Thank you.

Thelma: Are you in a hurry, Ms. Howard?

Yes. I have an appointment at 8 o'clock, but I...

Um, just bring me a hamburger and coffee to go, Thelma.

Thelma: Okay.

I can't tell you when I'll be free for the next call.

I don't know how fast this nut eats.

Man on phone: Oh, yeah? = yeah.

Man 1: Well, guys and gals, if that didn't

get you out of bed, you're dead.

Adam: "How the Americans live," chapter one.

"The din dawns with the day.

Throughout most of the civilized world,

a new day is born in a silence so profound,

one can imagine he hears the morning glory

open its petals to greet the rising sun.

But hour-conscious, minute-counting,

time-saving America is blasted from sleep

by the explosive screams of the alarm clock radio,

which may largely explain the frenetic pace

that jangles the nation's nerves throughout the day."

Timed to the split second,

an entire community prepares for the day

in a seemingly well-regulated schedule

that first dispatches the adult males.

And gets them safely into the aorta

of the city's traffic system.

Those marvels of engineering called freeways,

that have contributed so much to American progress.

The next major movement of which

the objective observer is aware

comes after an interval during which the adult females

have attended their basic household chores,

when they emerge to run errands, walk dogs,

stroll babies, borrow,

lend, exchange, and discuss.

And during the period from sunup till sundown,

the typical American community is completely matriarchal,

dominated entirely by females.

A no man's land more foreboding than ancient scythia,

home of the Amazon.

- Hi, stranger. - Well, Mrs. mcintyre!

- Why aren't you in school? - I had to stay home today.

- My husband is sick. - Oh, that's too bad.

- What's the matter? - I think he's pregnant.

Bye.

Go this way, stranger.

What're you gonna buy, stranger?

- Lots of things. - Then you better get a wagon.

Sissy, I thought I'd told you to wait in the car.

I have to help the stranger.

Oh. Oh, you're Mr. Adams, the new gentleman.

I'm Bertha pickering, sissy's mother.

I hope she isn't too much of a bother.

Not at all. She can help if you don't object.

Well... Mind you, behave now, sissy.

Pardon me.

Ah-ha! I was just about to call the auto club.

I'll be in fresh vegetables.

Stranger, what're you gonna buy?

Well, let's start with coffee. Where's that?

Down this way.

Can I have one?

Oh, sure. Be my guest.

No, no. Not from the bottom. No. No.

Can I have some for my husband?

Yeah, but let me get it for you, honey.

Man 2: Floor man, accident on aisle 14.

Big brother is watching you.

He did it!

Where do you get eggs? = from chickens!

Eggs are this way.

Yes, well, you, you help the nice man

put the cans together, huh?

Here. That's for her husband.

Are there any more small broilers?

Man 2: Sorry, ma'am. Not until the next delivery.

Oh, dear.

- Allow me. - Thanks just the same.

Oh, take it. I can't cook anyway.

Well, why'd you buy it?

To practice on, but I can practice with eggs

if I ever find them.

No, you take it. I'll find something else.

I'll tell you what, we'll split it.

Split it?! Well, you can't possibly...

Well, it' quite simple, you take it home and cook it

then bring it over to my place, and we'll share it.

Well, you're very generous, Mr. Adams.

Well, what's the matter?

Don't you think I'm worth half a chicken?

Well, frankly, I haven't thought of you in terms of chickens.

In fact, I haven't thought of you, period.

- Good day. - Uh, wait. Wait.

- I want to apologize. - For what?

For some of the things I said yesterday.

Why didn't you tell me it was your house?

Well, I thought it would be less embarrassing.

But I was wrong.

Well, I hope you'll forgive me.

I'd hate to think I got off on the wrong foot.

Well, don't you worry about it, Mr. Adams.

Ours is purely a business arrangement.

You rented my house, not me.

You're sure you won't reconsider

splitting this broiler with me tonight?

Tomorrow night?

Honestly, Ms. Howard, I'm the safest man in California.

I'm the most determined bachelor you'll ever meet.

Well, that's obvious, but it still doesn't

make you any safer, you know.

Oh, come now. You don't think I'd ask a girl to

come up to her own house to see her own etchings.

Probably, if you thought you could get away with it.

Pardon me.

Oh, Ms. Howard! Dear, you're just the one I need.

Sign this petition to help safeguard

the young people of paradise village, will you?

Well, what is this, Mrs. brown?

Well, the village bookshop is selling those dreadful books

by a.J. Niles again.

And I want to make them take those nasty volumes out of there

before they corrupt our youth.

Mr. jynson's already signed it.

Have you ever read any of the books?

Certainly not.

Well, then, how do you know that they're so nasty?

Certain chapters in all of a.J. Niles' books are nasty.

Everyone knows that's what makes him so popular.

Well, I can't see how the presence of a book

can corrupt anyone.

And besides, I feel that it's the parents' duty

to censor their children's reading, not mine.

So I'm afraid I won't be able to sign your petition, Mrs. brown.

I'll sign that, Mrs. brown.

- Well, you're a good neighbor. - Yes.

- Uh, Mr. Adams, isn't it? - Yeah, that's right.

And don't think I don't admire your attitude, Ms. Howard,

but I feel a sense of obligation to the writer.

Every attempt to suppress books

just helps push them up on top the bestseller list.

So, thank you, Mrs. brown, on behalf of a.J. Niles

and the bureau of internal revenue.

Man 2: Floor man, accident on aisle three.

I see you found the eggs.

I'm s 0 rry!

- My fault! - That's alright.

He..

Um...

I hope you don't think I'm following you,

but something's leaking.

Leaking?

Yeah, from your car, all over the street.

Oh, yeah. Here it is.

Here. What is that?

Well, it looks like soap powder.

In fact, it is soap powder.

Oh, well, that's alright. I have several boxes.

Thank you.

This is Rosemary Howard's house.

That's right. I'm leasing.

Oh, I heard she rented it to a bachelor.

Jack Adams.

No wonder Tom was so upset when he heard you'd moved in.

- Tom? - Tom jynson.

Oh, yeah. That's the blow-hard who built this no man's land.

I'm, uh, Mrs. Tom jynson.

- Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I... - No, that's quite alright.

Blow-hard's a very good word for him.

Here, let me help.

You get the others.

I'll get the rest.

Certainly neighborly of you, Mrs. jynson.

- Dolores. - Thank you, Dolores.

Can I help you with something else?

I mean, I love to do for a man,

and Tom doesn't seem to need me to do for him these days.

Oh.

Isn't there something more I can do for you?

- As a matter of fact, there is. - Oh, what?

Show me how the washing machine works.

Oh, that's nothing.

- I already put the laundry in. - You did?

Well, uh... Oh, you... you put the soap

in this little trap door on top.

And then you, um... Uh, you turn this dial.

- Is that all? - Mm-hmm. Simple.

Oh. Why don't you go ahead and get things started, and I'll...

Well, I'll put the groceries away.

Okay.

I keep everything in the top shelf.

Hey, don't put in too much soap.

How much is too much?

Well, that's more than enough.

Oh, gosh, yes.

Now you, uh, close this,

and you just, uh...

Well, you just turn this dial.

I must have left some change in the pockets.

Oh. The first cycle's the noisiest.

Then it sort of settles down to a roar.

No, that's alright.

Don't wear yourself out this way.

You're too pretty for the kitchen.

Oh?

Um, I'm not keeping you from anything urgent, am I?

Well, I was gonna dust, but I can do that later.

Am I holding you up?

Well, as a matter of fact you are...

From my cocktail hour.

Well, isn't it little early?

Well, what else is there to do?

In alphabetical order?

Um, there's something I might explain about Tom and me

that would put your mind very at ease maybe.

Can you make a really dry Gibson?

Five parts gin, and I think for a moment about the vermouth.

You see, we're, uh, separated.

We hardly ever see each other.

Does that put your mind very at ease?

- Hm? - Just my conscience.

- My mind is having a ball. - Oh?

Well, we're more than separated, really.

We're about to be divorced.

I, uh, consider myself an unattached woman...

Practically...

If you know what I mean.

I'm terribly afraid I do.

- Woop. Oh. Excuse me. - Woop.

Mmm...

- Here's a little hitchhiker. - Thank you.

You see, we have community property laws in this state,

and he's finding out now that

he can't treat me the way he treats me.

- Aren't you gonna have one? - Little early for me.

Early? It's April.

Cheers.

So, until he acts like a real husband should,

I'm just going to keep all that money tied up, and his pa...

Excuse me.

His paradise hills can just sit there.

You're the reason they stopped working on that?

Me and my lawyers.

Oh, he thinks he's so smart.

Oh, he's made a fortune, but he's all business, that man.

I found the loveliest house in bel air.

I went into escrow, but would he sign it?

Not Tom jynson.

He has to stay in paradise

where he can keep his finger on the pulse of things.

That's a laugh.

Is it? = sure!

He moves out to a swanky hotel and leaves me stuck in paradise.

Now, very really...

Oh, thank you.

But, a woman gets that lonely feeling.

She wants somebody to admire her

and, and tell her how pretty she looks

and things like that.

Why don't you come over here where we can talk?

Oh, you're coming in loud and clear.

Oh, come on!

You're so sympathetic and understanding.

Well, you're a very easy woman to understand.

Am I? = uh-huh.

May I ask you a very personal question, Jack Adams?

Adam: Mm-hmm.

Dolores: Do you find me attractive as a woman?

Adam: Oh, I think you're extremely attractive as a woman,

or anything.

Tom doesn't find me attractive.

He used to, but not anymore.

That's the trouble with those real-estate men.

Once they get you through escrow, they lose interest.

I know he doesn't find me attractive.

Because he goes out with other women,

one very other woman in particular...

Rosemary.

Rosemary Howard?

They were together all the time.

He used to leave me night after night after night.

It was always business, and it was always Rosemary.

I'm, uh, a lonely woman, Jack.

So very, very lonely.

Yeah, I'm beginning to see what you mean.

Have you ever thought of buying a parakeet?

They say tropical fish are fun.

I can't help it.

I'm not made of stone, you know?

No, not unless they're doing some new things with it.

I'm kind of lonely here myself.

You are? I'm a marvelous cook! =- mm-hm.

I'll make you breakfast.

I had breakfast.

Tomorrow's?

It'll get cold.

Well, I'll come over and heat it up.

Oh, my gosh!

I... I must have pushed the wrong dial!

What'd you set it for, Niagara Falls?

We got to shut it off. = aah! Ooh!

Mommy, look. The house is throwing up.

- What's happening? - Wait here. Watch the kids.

Yeah. Come on.

- Oh, Jack, what's wrong? - The washing machine.

- Too much detergent. - Get back!

When it switches to rinse, the whole town may go.

Well, somebody should turn it off.

I'll phone for help.

Oh, Jack. This is awful.

First time I've seen a kitchen with a head on it.

- God, it's getting higher. - Don't make any waves.

What's that?

Look for a lump with a tail on it.

Aah!

Linda! Linda!

Oh! She'll be bubbled to death.

Oh, Linda. Oh. Linda.

- Here! Take him. - Yeah, I got him.

Oh! Hope he doesn't shrink. He'll be a chihuahua.

Aah! Mad dog!

Mad house!

Where's the fire? = no fire.

What did you call us for?

Well, if I hollered "soap!" Who'd come?

Rosemary, when's the last time you stopped by your house?

A week ago. Why?

Did it look to you as if there was any

dirty work going on there?

- Dirty work? - Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

But the house never looked cleaner.

There is definitely something strange going on.

Just drive down katherina street,

and you'll see women, our ladies,

wearing lipstick and dresses, during the day!

And it's starting to spread throughout paradise.

Now, Tom, exactly what is Mrs. brown telling you?

Alright, I'll tell you what she told me.

She told me that your harmless Mr. Adams

is entertaining women every afternoon in your house.

Collectively or individually?

Well, either way, I don't like it. It looks bad.

Now, I want you to find out what is going on there.

Now just picture this scene for yourselves...

Your husband comes home, he walks in the house.

He finds candles flickering and the dinner table set for two,

soft, romantic music, a bottle of vintage wine

chilled to exactly the right temperature,

a faint, alluring scent of perfume.

The setting is perfect.

Then he discovers a woman he's never seen before,

beautiful, seductive, exciting.

What does he do? = I'll kill him!

No, no, the woman is you.

Oh!

I promise you it'll be an evening

you'll always remember.

You'll awaken passions you've never known before.

And I guarantee it'll work.

But Jack, what do we do about the children?

Well, cooperate, just like the Europeans.

Leland's due home tonight. Would you watch Janie for me?

- If you take my three tomorrow. - Okay.

Linda, I'll gladly take the boys tonight.

Adams: That's the idea, girls.

And tomorrow afternoon, I want a report

from all of you who try it tonight.

Now happy hunting and toujours I'amour.

Hi, Rosemary. = hi.

Oh, you missed the most fascinating discussion.

Yes. Why haven't you joined our group?

Oh, well, I really haven't had time, Camille.

I just stopped by on business. See you.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

It was wonderful. Just wonderful.

Well, won't you come in?

I'll only be a minute.

Well, what sort of a group have you formed, Mr. Adams?

It's surely not aa.

Well, one harmless Martini each just to loosen up.

- You care for one? - I tighten up with Martinis.

I stopped by only to ask if you had found a secretary yet?

Well, I thought you were gonna look into that for me.

Well, from what I've heard you seem to be interviewing

all the women in town, every afternoon.

Oh, we're conducting a cultural exchange.

Daily discussions of life, love, and the pursuit.

Seems to have had a bracing effect on the community.

Understand there's been quite a run on girdles lately.

Oh, and your friend niles' books are all sold out.

Well, how do you know he's a friend of mine?

Rosemary: Ten days ago you signed that petition.

Of course.

- Do you really know him? - Intimately.

We worked on the same sports department

back in Cleveland.

Is he as wicked as his books?

Well, that's a matter of opinion.

I find him fascinating.

I bet you'd like a.J. Niles.

Splendid fellow.

And a bachelor, too, by the way.

What's he look like?

Oh, he's devilishly attractive.

I don't think I've ever seen a picture of him.

Most writers have their portraits

oh the backs of their books.

You know smoking the pipe?

Oh, he has to be very careful about that.

If his face became well-known,

it'd be a handicap to his research.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

He'd be crazy about you.

Oh?

What makes you so sure? = your attitude.

Your refreshingly realistic attitude.

You don't have any of the natural female instinct

to deprive a bachelor of his freedom.

Oh, Mr. Adams, I just stopped by to tell you

that I could get you a part-time secretary.

Really? You could have called that one in.

See how it works? Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Well, I'm not sure. Hold on.

Are you busy tonight, miss Howard?

- For dinner, I mean. - Yes.

Alright, do you know a nice place

where we can have dinner for around $57?

My allowance is little late.

No, barbecue's fine.

Where?

The pig pit?

Well, if you say so.

Yeah, I'll pick you up around 7:00.

Okay, you pick me up. Bye.

I thought maybe the four of us could have dinner together.

The four of us?

Yeah, me and my date, and you and Tom jynson.

Tom jynson? Well, he's a married man.

Well, Dolores jynson's a married woman.

Well, she's not your date.

Why not? They're practically divorced.

And I think the four of us together

would be quite civilized.

- Could be quite amusing. - Thanks, Mr. Adams.

But I'm not that desperate for amusement.

Goodbye.

Adam on recorder: The American woman, in her desperation,

driven toward what she regards

as equality with the American man,

has somehow lost the art of romance.

Now her love for the conveniences,

the electric can opener, automatic TV,

no wash...

That could be stronger.

Let me see...

Memo, check the girls tomorrow

to see how the experiment turned out.

Camille, honey, I'm home!

Well?

Excuse me, madam. Must be in the wrong house.

Leland quinlaw!

I did not lose the electric light money in the bridge game!

Then let me see you turn them on.

I don't want them on. I want candlelight and romance!

And I want the lights on!

And what's with the violins?

Who needs this?

And I want to see my kids,

and I'm not going to eat dinner in the bedroom!

And take off that ridiculous dress!

This is no dance hall.

- Baby, come here! - Larry! Don't.

You wanna play on the couch! You wanna play on the...

Larry, I've got to think.

You don't have to think for what I've got in mind, baby!

- Not... - Ah!

You and your ideas, baby. You fracture me.

Why don't we do this every night?

You don't, um, miss the kids?

What kids?

Baby. =- hm?

- Let's skip dinner. - Mm, it's cold now anyway.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Oh, c'est la vie!

The ribs were delicious, you should have

at least tasted them.

Mm-hm.

Shrimp cocktail and five Gibsons

not a very well-balanced diet.

I shouldn't have had the shrimp cocktail.

You sure you won't have some coffee?

I shouldn't have brought you here.

Now, they don't have the most versatile wine cellar.

Tom used to bring me here.

Tom again.

That dirty rat!

So you've been telling me for an hour.

I'm convinced.

He'd never used to take me to expensive places,

that dirty cheapskate!

Hey, if your mascara runs,

you're gonna discolor your vodka.

You better be careful.

Excuse me.

- Miss Howard. - Has Tom been here already?

Tom jynson? No. Why should he...

Where's Dolores?

Oh, emergency face repair.

- Won't you sit down? - No, thank you.

Fortunately, I overheard your conversation

so I knew where to find you.

What happened? The house burn down?

No, but Tom is really, very angry.

Mrs. brown saw you and Dolores leaving together.

We could've used her at Pearl harbor.

So she promptly called him.

Now he's out scouting every restaurant in the area.

He's bound to come here.

Why doesn't he hire a detective?

Oh, he's talked about that.

He's determined to get something on Dolores.

- But why? - To keep the alimony down.

What else? Tom isn't a man.

He's a business machine.

It's Tom. Here comes old IBM now.

- Oh, hello, Tom. - Rosemary...

I thought you stayed away from Gibsons.

Good evening, Mr. jynson, won't you join us?

No, thank you. I'm looking for Dolores.

You going on your second honeymoon?

You didn't tell me you were going to dinner with Mr. Adams.

What I do outside the office is no one's business but my own.

Unfortunately, we were only discussing

miss Howard's business.

Oh, yes. Mr. Adams is thinking of extending his lease.

We may have to write up a new one.

Well, from what I hear,

you'd better add a morality clause.

Takes a real dirty mind

to believe everything Mrs. brown says.

Oh, now, wait a minute, miss Howard.

Mission accomplished.

And thanks, but I've been trying for weeks

to get you to have dinner with me. Now don't rush off.

- Will you have a Gibson? - I hate Gibsons.

Is there anything else you'd like?

Nothing, thanks, we're not allowed to drink

on rescue missions.

You're a real problem, you know.

Any girl who won't even split a chicken with me...

Well, I'm not sorry for you, Mr. Adams.

You certainly don't lack female companionship.

I only want to maintain peace in paradise.

Jack Adams!

The minute I leave the table!

Honestly, you men are all alike!

You can't trust any man!

Excuse me, miss Howard.

Well, I'd better explain it to her.

Yeah...

Waiter? Waiter?

Oh, Jacques.

Well. Hello. Come on in, miss Howard.

Would you feel safer if I came out?

Your discussion group will be here soon

and there's safety in numbers.

Not if the numbers are 38-22-34.

Ooh, you flatter me.

What can I do for you this morning?

Keep away from Dolores jynson.

I don't intend to chase around, keeping you two out of trouble.

Trouble? Miss Howard, I'm a big boy now.

I shave and everything.

Mm, if Tom had caught you with Dolores,

you'd be in enough hot water to shave for a week.

He'd have filed a suit for divorce.

I have a financial interest in paradise village, Mr. Adams

and I don't want a scandal here.

That reminds me have you resumed work on paradise hills?

You know perfectly well we haven't. Why do you ask?

Well, you haven't found me a secretary yet

and the work's piling up.

I thought maybe you'd help me part-time?

- Me? Adam: You keep me outta trouble.

Besides you're the only one around here I can trust.

Why?

Well, it's the nature of my work.

What is the nature of your work?

Well, it's a series of reports.

Oh, government work?

As a matter of fact I am working for the government.

And it occurred to me, until you resume on paradise hills,

maybe you could help me out a few hours each evening.

Sorry. I don't like to work nights.

Please, wait. Let's discuss this a little more.

Well, there's nothing to discuss.

No, but I'd like to explain.

Why can't we do it over dinner?

I've discovered a little place that not only fits my budget

but where the food's fit for the angels

and the drinks are fit for the gods.

Call me later.

Is he a bartender or a landscape architect?

He's an artist. Would you care for a scorpion's kiss?

Oh, is that what they're called?

Mm-hm. And this is a bikini.

Well, that's an odd name for a drink. Bikini?

That's because there's not much to it,

but it hits the right spots.

Oh. Well, I've had two and don't feel a thing.

Oh, we'd better get you another one.

Hey, innkeeper. Another brace of bikinis, please.

Sorry, sir. Only two to a customer.

- Oh, come on. - Sorry, ma'am.

That's a very powerful drink.

There's an old tahitian saying...

Oh. Just what did that old tahitian mean by that?

Who knows? I'm from San Francisco.

Loopholes everywhere.

- Your booth is ready, Mr. Adam. - Oh, thank you.

Will you send over a couple of scorpion's kisses, then?

Thank you.

Just make it the small scorpions.

Are you alright?

I'm fine, but why are you leaning?

Oh, that's better.

Now, sit up straight.

You know, this is really a very attractive restaurant.

Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't been here before?

Well, the atmosphere is hardly conducive to business.

Oh.

Is that all you ever discuss at dinner, business?

That's not what Dolores tells me.

Well, that's great. That's really great.

Tom thinks every time he turns his back,

she's out chasing after every other man.

Dolores loves Tom very much,

and we can help them, you and I.

There's just a breakdown in their communications.

Adam: What's so amusing?

Oh, Tom thinks our paradise bachelor

is such a dangerous man...

A satyr running rampant in a harem.

Now you turn out to be dear Abby in britches.

Oh, I didn't know you were so talented.

There are lot of things you don't know about me, Mr. Adams.

I can sail a boat, upholster furniture,

skin-dive for abalone, bake strudel,

know the names of all 50 states and their capitals,

and I play a mean piano,

among other things.

Let me hear little more about the other things.

Come dance with kuminaw.

No, honey. You're one bikini late.

I couldn't stand... No, no, I'd have to take a pill.

I couldn't. No. It makes me seasick.

I couldn't. No. I really...

I know, but you...

“It's a strange paradox that the American woman,

who lives in a world where the bachelor and the spinster

meet disapproval and discrimination

and therefore can be satisfied with nothing but marriage,

finds so much discontent, restlessness,

and boredom in the marital state.

Seeking relief from the burdens of domesticity..."

Excuse me, Jack. = mm-hm.

Would it be alright if Camille went red, instead of black?

Why red?

Well, Leland's crazy about Susan hayward,

and she's a redhead.

Now, he tells you he's crazy about Susan hayward

that's so you won't know how he really feels about lollobrigida.

- Oh! - See? Come on.

I'll give you a hand. = yeah.

"She exercises much imagination,

frequently through group projects

that will, in some way, stimulate her."

Larry, is that you, honey?

Well?

- Take it off. - Take what off?

That hideous wig. Take it off.

Alright. Alright, it's not hideous.

Only, take it off.

Oh, Larry.

It isn't... it's not a wig.

You mean you dyed it that color?

Yes.

Just wasn't coming up to speed, that's all.

Hey, where'd you learn electronics?

It's simple mechanics.

This isn't the first machine I've repaired.

Now let's see if it will work.

Well?

You're doing this for the government?

Well, they can hardly wait for it to come out.

Sounds like something a.J. Niles might write.

Look, I trust you. I can tell you the truth, Rosemary.

I didn't have a dime and Mr. palfrey came up

with this idea.

- What idea? - A book like niles'.

Only about America.

While a.J.'S in France

I came out here to do this one.

Palfrey thinks there's a mint in it.

Where does the government come in?

They're waiting for the mint.

Oh.

Know something? This is better than a.J. Niles.

Thank you.

What are you gonna do?

Taking it to the office to transcribe it.

- I can't work here. - Why not?

It's quiet here. We can concentrate.

Mm. That's what I'm afraid of.

Afraid? I'm a pussycat.

From the gossip around here,

you're a tomcat.

Me? You, of all people, know...

Now, look, there's been enough talk.

Why give them more fuel?

Every husband on Katarina street is talking about you.

Are you sure you don't want them talking about you?

Well, they've already talked about me, and Dolores,

and every other woman in the neighborhood.

Tsk, tsk. Aristotle said the high-minded man

is more interested in the truth than in what people believe.

And are you so high-minded?

Well I do think I've been behaving

in the most exemplary manner.

Do you realize I haven't even been kissed

since I moved in here?

No? I mean, no, I didn't realize.

Well it's some sort of a record for me.

Oh, Rosemary, I'm sorry.

That's alright, Linda. I was leaving anyway.

You were?

I know it's terribly gauche of me to burst in this way,

but it's an emergency.

It's Larry. I don't know what to do.

What have you done to your hair?

You see?

Larry's tone was positively menacing.

He walked out on me.

He says he's going to get drunk.

Well that isn't fatal, you know, it might be an improvement.

But I promised Donna to come over tonight.

- Go without him. - And leave the boys?

How can I? Larry promised to stay with 'em.

Donna's my sister, ll can't tell her

Larry's walked out and left me.

You know how families are.

Why don't you stay with the boys?

Yeah. Me babysit?

- Well, you started it. - Yes.

So will you help me, Jack? Will you be an angel...

The kids are asleep. There's nothing to do, really.

And if I go over there, you can stay here and work.

Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with that.

Oh, Jack. Mmm! You're a Saint.

There goes my record.

"What young parents without help

did before there were babysitters is unclear.

There's no evidence to..."

- You're supposed to be asleep. - I'm hungry.

Well, what can I get for you? =a sammich.

A sammich? What kind of sammich?

A pickle and peanut butter sammich.

Pickle and peanut butter.

You're not interested in growing up, huh?

See? You woke your kid brother up.

No, I didn't. He woke hisself up.

Shh.

Well...

Well, how long you in for, Stevie?

I'm Stevie!

He's Dougie!

Oh, oh.

Well, come on. Let me spring you.

Come on, doll. Come on.

You don't have to cry. You...

Uh-oh. High tide.

Aw!

- Why, Larry. - Where's Adams?

- Well, he's not here. - Don't kid me, miss Howard.

You women are all alike, aren't you?

Stick up for him.

What's he got, anyway? And where is he?

As a matter of actual fact, Mr. delavane, he's next door

at your house performing a duty you have neglected.

I catch you, and you try to wriggle out of it

by accusing my wife of unbecoming conduct?

- No. - I'm not accusing Linda...

- Rosemary, can you... - So there you are! Ha!

You're just as bad as he is... Worse!

Trying to make me suspect my poor little wife when it's you

who've been hanky-pankying around

with this...

This bachelor!

Well, he's drunk.

Yeah, maybe he can change the kid's diapers.

I doubt it. He's headed in the other direction.

I don't blame him. Say, come on. Help me, will you?

I don't know anything about this stuff.

Wait a minute, what makes you think I do?

Well, you're a woman.

Oh, gender is no license for knowledge.

After some of the remarks you've made about

American spinsters on that tape...

Yeah, we can discuss that later.

Next door, there's a waterlogged kid

going down for the third time. Come on. Help me.

Does the board of health know about this place?

- What are you doing? - Fixing a sammich for Dougie.

- Where is he? - Under the table.

Hey! Hey, come on out of there.

What... What happened to your diaper?

They slitched off.

- Yeah? - Here, let me take him.

Oh... boy.

With this kid, Linda doesn't need a garbage grinder.

Here we are.

There. You go get some dry diapers.

Aren't you suppose to powder him first?

No. You oil them first.

Oil? This kid hasn't done a thousand miles yet.

Here. You do it, and I'll get the dry diapers. Hold him.

And I'll put Stevie in the other bedroom.

Isn't that good? Is that refreshing?

Here you are.

Ahh!

You're the sweetest smelling.

That's alright, baby. Everything will be alright.

And if she wants to dye her hair,

what's the big deal, anyway?

What do you say we go tell her, old uncle John, okay?

Not enough oil.

I couldn't find the diapers, but...

What are you doing?

Well, let's face it. I'm a lousy mother.

Oh, go get another towel. I'll clean him up.

Oh, Dougie.

Ooh!

Yeah, wait.

Come on. Come on. Let's sit you up.

Let's sit up. There.

How about this one? = yeah. Give me one for here.

Yeah.

Well, I think that should do it.

Well, come on. There, huh?

He'll never get out of that unless he has friends

oh the outside.

Mrs. delavane!

Mrs. delavane! Aha!

- Aha what? - You are in my house.

Of course I'm in your house.

Miss Howard wasn't lying about you and Linda.

- Oh, stop it. - Put "em up.

Put 'em up. I'm gonna knock your eyebrows.

I couldn't go two rounds with your breath.

Whoop.

I won the first fall.

Quiet, you two. The boys are trying to sleep.

Oh! My wife isn't good enough for you, huh?

You got to have another woman, too.

Well, there's another one to put to bed.

Yeah, but he's already oiled.

"Causing unrest and disharmony,

apart from entertaining married and unmarried women

in flagrant violation of all standards

of decency and morality.

The undersigned therefore demand

that paradise village incorporated,

remove the above-named undesirable tenant immediately."

And it's signed by every husband on katherina street.

But not one of their wives.

Don't tell me he has gotten to you, too, Rosemary.

Oh, you don't believe that rot!

These gentlemen believe it.

Aristotle said the high-minded man

is more interested in the truth

than in what people believe.

Aristotle does not live in paradise,

and I am not going to antagonize the people who do.

Rosemary, I want Jack Adams out of your house

and I want him out fast.

No, Tom.

I am not going to put him out,

not for you or anybody.

Are you disobeying me?

This is not the marine corps, major jynson.

No. This is paradise, and I'm in command here.

You will do what I say, or you're through...

Fired.

I'm sorry, Tom.

Truly sorry!

Well, come in.

You're a little early.

How would you like a full-time secretary?

What red-blooded American boy wouldn't? What happened?

I'm no longer an employee of paradise village inc.

- You quit? - I did.

I won't work for any man after he fires me.

Well, I admire your spirit, among other things.

How'd it happen?

Oh, a matter of business policy. We didn't agree.

Well, we don't always agree, either,

but you're exactly the person I need,

to help me with my research.

- What kind of research? - Well, don't worry.

I'll push your desk up against the wall.

I couldn't chase you around it even if I wanted to.

If I worried I wouldn't be here.

Just don't ask me to stay after working hours.

- Agreed? - Agreed, under protest.

Now, let me see.

You'll be my landlady and secretary.

And I'll be your tenant and your boss.

A very involved relationship.

And if you raise my rent, I'll lower your salary.

You lower my salary, and I'll raise my voice.

Announcer: Comes to the plate with a curve ball.

In for a strike. 0 and 1.

Ripley checking his signs.

Now the big right-hander ready again.

Ripley comes back to the plate.

Palufski swings, and gets ahold of it.

There's a long drive to deep left-center.

Back goes smitty, a-way back,

and she is gone.

It's a brand-new ball game... Three and three.

Well, before the biggest crowd of the year,

seventy five thousand here at the stadium,

the bears have come back with a run in the seventh

to tie, three and three.

For palufski, his 17th home run of the year.

And his 51st rbi.

Now let's find out if Dillon is coming up.

Jerry, is that Dillon coming out?

Jerry: No. That's monty Brice...

Monty Brice is hitting 287 so far this season.

Never mind monty Brice. Take a note.

"Americans are so accustomed to being told everything,

even at ball games,

they bring their radios

so the announcer can explain

what they're seeing."

Announcer: And the fastball swung on and fouled away.

Our guess would be about 75,000 people here.

I wonder what idiot caught that.

Announcer: They would have torn the roof off for sure

on the home run by palufski.

They tell me 20 million American women have taken this up.

Sure. To get rid of their aggressions.

Adams: Yeah. Oh, yes.

You know, those aren't pins.

Those are 20 million American men.

The cleaners returned your grey suit.

- I hung it in the closet. - Oh, thanks.

Oh, and I brought your shirts back.

They're in the second drawer.

The laundry puts a razor edge on the collars.

I don't want my boss decapitated

even if he has a spare.

Hey, you worried about your boss or your tenant?

- Jack, please. - Why not?

It's time you acknowledge men and women are different

even in America.

This arrangement of ours is difficult enough.

- Don't make it impossible. - You're making it impossible.

I want to make it very possible.

A little cooperation, and it could be fun.

No woman really wants to make love platonically,

just for fun.

Then I've met some great pretenders.

I'm sure lot of women have fallen in love with you.

And if they have, they wanted something more than...

Well, merely an affair.

For instance?

Oh, a home, security, permanence.

You know a wise man once wrote

that a man wants to be a woman's first love,

but women have a more subtle instinct.

They want to be sure they're a man's last.

Let's eat.

Jack... =-hmmm?

Have you been a bachelor all your life?

Mm, I was engaged once at the age of seven,

but what I thought were the pangs of love

turned out to be measles.

Silly.

Then there's a chance that some poor girl may marry you?

A rich girl would have a better chance.

Rosemary: But have you ever been in love?

Never. Have you?

Once... I thought.

No. I take that back.

I really was.

Adam: What makes you sure?

What makes you sure you never were?

Well, I planned it that way.

I had a very smart father who prepared me for life

at a very early age with a splendid piece of advice.

Rosemary: Would you care to share it?

He said "be careful of what you put your heart

and your money into."

Your father told you that?

Right after my mom told it to him.

That's funny.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

- Where's Rosemary? - Well, she's gone.

- It's after 6 o'clock. - I wanted to talk to you alone.

I had to. It's about Larry.

He hasn't said a word to me for days.

But why? You've dyed your hair back, haven't you?

But he's still suspicious. = of me?

You see, it's your reputation, Jack.

Everybody thinks that... = thinks what?

Well, that you're having affairs with all of us...

Me, Camille, Dolores, Rosemary!

Really? That should qualify me for the olympic team.

Don't joke about it. They've written everything down.

Oh, good. We'll make an Italian movie out of it.

They even sent in that petition.

What petition?

To Tom jynson, to have you evicted,

only Rosemary wouldn't do it.

Are you sure about this, Linda?

Positive. Leland quinlaw and my Larry started it.

All the husbands in the neighborhood signed it,

and...

What's that?

Something's burning.

It's the oven.

My ready-mix cake.

Hope smokey the bear doesn't hear about this.

Jack!

Jack? = out here!

- Well, what's so urgent? - Sit down, Rosemary.

I wanna ask you something.

Why couldn't you ask me on the phone?

Well, I want to see your face when you answer it.

- Well... - Honey.

I know this isn't the first time you've tried to protect me,

and I'm deeply touched,

but you should have told me about the petition.

Oh, what good would it have done?

I could have spared you and everyone else

a lot of trouble.

- How? - By moving out.

Leaving paradise?

I should think you'd be glad to get rid of me.

Oh, no. I mean, what about your book?

I've got enough material for six books

if I wanna use it.

Oh, Jack, please. I...

I just don't want to get hopelessly involved.

You're a little late. You already are.

So aml.

Why don't you come with me?

With you? Where?

Anywhere. I need you, and you need me.

We've both lived alone long enough.

And what's the advantage?

A tube of toothpaste lasts twice as long,

that's all you can say for it.

But there's just one problem,

a matter of social convention.

I can't very well ask you to marry me.

But we understand each other. Why complicate things?

But we can't. I can't, not this way.

I found that out a long time ago.

But this is different, darling.

We're both being completely honest with each other.

Which means you don't want to ask me to marry you.

I haven't the nerve.

I'd be a real heel if I did.

You know what you'd be getting for a husband? Just roughly?

A man who's been a bachelor all his life,

and wants his own way.

A gypsy who's never had a permanent home

since he was a kid and the pool room burned down.

And who wants to stay as free as the wind.

A man who's not only dead broke,

but in hock to the government.

Is that the kind of man you want to marry?

I don't know, I don't know if I want to marry anyone.

Well then it's a stand-off, isn't it?

But I do know one thing.

I know.

Pardon me. I'll kill whoever it is and be right back.

Hello. Yes, operator. Speaking. Yeah.

Wait! Rosemary! Don't go!

Yeah? Who?

Austin palfrey, dear lad.

Can you be at the la airport by midnight?

Adam: But why?

I've wired you a ticket for the midnight jet.

You're to be in Washington first thing in the morning.

No, Rosemary. I haven't seen Jack since yesterday.

But I did hear his phone ring.

Oh, was that you? Dougie, spit that out!

What, Rosemary?

No. His car's not here, either.

Oh... Look, honey, I've got to run.

Dougie's eating a ball-point pen.

Dougie!

Jack?

Adam: Darling, that's you, Rosemary,

I had to leave.

Keep this machine to remember me by.

I hope you'll be as lonesome and miserable without me

as I have been every evening when you left.

There you are, Mr. niles.

Except for $1000 or so, it's all there.

- What's all there? - Your money, dear lad.

The cash, stocks, and bonds.

What... you mean you found wappinger?

Boarding a plane in Mexico City.

Oh, well, that's great. Thank you, gentlemen.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Of course you'll have to sign a complaint

against him, Mr. niles.

No, I don't think I will

I'd have to stick around for his trial, be a withess

and there's something about courtrooms...

I suppose you're anxious to get back to France,

finish your book?

No, no, I'm working on something

little more domestic right now.

Of course. How the Americans live!

- True. - Alright Jones.

You can let the newsreel boys in now.

I'm about to start the publicity rolling

oh Adams' next bestseller.

As a matter of fact I've been back in this country

for some time, living in California,

in a housing development in the San Fernando valley.

Of course I've had to use an assumed name,

but I've been doing a lot of research for my newest book.

It's based on modern living in this country

and it's called "how the Americans live.”

It's been a most stimulating and fascinating experience

and frankly I've been amazed at some of my findings

because I've found a strong, healthy group

of hard-working men and women

who not only try to be kind and decent,

but go to extremes to help each other.

Rosemary.

Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?

I didn't know I was going to.

But I just moved back in tonight!

Oh, this is awful.

It's not bad from here.

You look quite alluring and I'm proud of you for one thing.

You didn't pull the bedclothes up around your neck.

No, no, stay right where you are.

No need to get up. It's after midnight.

- There's no one here but us. - Oh, now, please.

Oh, and you're beautiful with your hair

all shook up like that.

Don't spoil it. You're a picture.

And you don't go to bed with your face

full of grease, like a channel swimmer.

Oh, well, you've got to let me get up.

Rosemary, we didn't plan it this way. Either of us.

It was just meant to happen.

Yeah, well, I certainly didn't mean this to happen!

You're single, female, and in your right mind.

Exactly and if you think I'm going to allow myself

to become entangled with a.J. Niles...

Oh, so that's it.

Everyone knows who you are, Mr. niles.

All, you know what, broke loose here today.

You didn't feel this way before I left.

I'm the same man I was two days ago.

Hmm, the same deceitful liar.

Yeah, well, I had to lie. But I don't have to anymore.

A shattering thing happened to me while I was away.

For the first time in my life, I missed someone.

I had to come back.

Oh, will you please leave me alone and get out of here?

Well, at least now you know the truth.

If you want the bedroom, you can have it.

Your rent is still paid.

No, stay there.

I'll sleep on the couch, like the men always do

in American movies.

Oh, darn him!

Here.

Rosemary: Well?

Well, what?

Aren't you going to brush your teeth?

Oh, I forgot.

Did you come in here just to remind me?

No, I came in here to tell you

what a despicable person you are.

You might get an argument. I'm quite fond of me.

You're the only one who is.

But I am grateful to you for one thing.

Well, that's something.

You brought me back to my senses.

When I thought you had gone for good, I was desolate.

I was miserable because I lost my nerve

and ran out on you the other night.

But now that you're back,

I can see what a mistake it would have been.

I'm not a woman to you. I'm a, a Guinea pig.

And that's all every female in paradise

is to you, a.J. Niles, a Guinea pig!

Well, by the same token, I owe you a vote of thanks.

In the giddy euphoria of recovering my loot

and my identity, I was seriously considering

proposing to you.

What a stupid blunder that would be.

At my age, to change my whole way of life,

give up my freedom and everything.

Thank you, my dear, for snapping me back to reality.

I'll be out of here and out of your life

first thing in the morning.

Thank you.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Quick, in the bedroom!

Well, who is it? =I don't know.

It's too early for the milk.

Just a minute.

Hi! May I come in?

- No. Yeah. - I heard your car drive up.

I was so excited, Jack! Mr. niles, I mean.

I didn't think you were ever coming back here.

- Well, I didn't intend... - We all knew you were somebody.

Linda: You just had to be.

And I want you to know, that no matter what happens,

we girls will stick up for you.

Yeah, it may not be enough, Linda.

I'll tell you, I...

- What's that? That. - What?

The back door! If that's Larry, he'll kill me!

Quick, hide in the bedroom.

No, not there! No, no, second bedroom. Right there.

I knew this house was too small.

You got to come with me right away.

- Where? What? - To my house.

Before Leland finds out that I'm here.

You gotta talk to him for me.

You gotta tell him that nothing happened!

Will you calm down, Camille? Now, what are you talking about?

Well, ever since Leland found out that you're a.J. Niles,

he thinks that you and I are having a...

Well, that... that... that we're... we're carrying

oh some kind of a...

Oh, please! You gotta come and clear my name!

My whole marriage hangs in the balance!

Will you stop this drama? Do I have to go to that...

Oh, it's Leland!

I know I gotta hide! Please, I gotta hide!

- Here. Get right in there. - Yes.

Keep breathing.

Oh, no!

Adam j. Niles!

- Welcome to grand hotel. - Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, we could have conducted the most marvelous

experiments together!

Look... put that coat back on!

Oh, boy, oh! Where's your tape recorder?

- Let's get to work! - But, Dolores!

- Oh, I wanna be in your book! - No, but you can't!

- Ah! So Mrs. brown was right! - Now, wait a minute, jynson...

I won't wait a second, you libertine!

I'll see you in court. Both of you!

Listen...

Ooh...

Linda! What are you doing in there?

I don't know!

Come here. You're going to break your neck.

Come on, hurry up!

- Wait a minute! Shh! - Aah!

Shh! They're all coming.

Over the wall.

Can you make it? Go on!

State your name, address and occupation, please.

Thomas w. Jynson, presently residing

in the palm vista hotel.

And I'm the developer of paradise.

Paradise?

As I recall, the book of Genesis...

Paradise village, your honor. It's a real-estate development.

One of the finest housing developments

in the broad and fertile valley...

You will not use this courtroom

for any advertising purposes, Mr. jynson.

Continue.

Now, Mr. jynson, isn't it true

that, most regrettably, you are compelled

to seek this action against your wife

after numerous instances of infidelity

with one a.J. Niles...

A man who is known to be...

Pardon me, your honor...

A libertine and a seducer?

- Absolutely. Attorney: Objection!

Mr. backett: Your honor, we intend to produce evidence

to prove the statement that Mr. niles

is, if you'll pardon the expression,

a libertine and a seducer.

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Yes, I did say I wanted to be in his book.

I wanted to be a whole new chapter.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to be a whole new book.

"How Mrs. Tom cheapskate lives...

Miserably."

A.j. Niles filled my wife's head with sexy ideas.

And I married that woman because I liked her empty-headed.

I knew there was something going on

when I saw the way my wife was wrapping the garbage.

Nobody wraps garbage like that

unless there's some hanky-panky going on.

The poor, dear man was always trying to help.

Like, when Camille wanted to dye her hair red

and Jack... Mr. niles told her that dyed red hair

looked so phony and...

Oh!

Well, your hair doesn't look like it's dyed, your honor.

I mean, well, men can't always be right, can they?

Mr. backett: Your home is directly across the street

from the house Mr. niles has rented?

I've just talked to New York. You're making headlines!

I've had to order a second printing of your book

before it's even finished!

From your observations, Mrs. brown,

how would you describe Mr. niles?

Sex fiend, pure and simple.

Attorney: Objection!

Sustained.

Mrs. brown, that's a very broad and condemning term.

I don't know how else you'd describe him.

He has only one thing on his mind.

Have you ever read his books, madam judge?

Yes, I have.

I've also read the books of h.G. Wells,

but I wouldn't describe him as an astronaut.

Please, confine your testimony to factual observations.

Very well, your honoress.

Ever since that man moved into Rosemary's house...

Stop trying to make implications, Mr. backett.

My relationship with Dolores jynson

was not experimental.

Oh, then you actually did find her

physically attractive?

Certainly not.

Did he have to say that?

Well, that is, I didn't find her unattractive.

I, what I mean is...

Judge: Mr. niles, when you've finished debating with yourself,

will you please answer the question?

Well, I'm trying to, your honor.

I did find her attractive, but that

did not motivate my actions.

Mr. backett: Now, Mr. niles,

you heard Mr. jynson testify

that he saw Mrs. jynson,

clad only in a revealing negligee,

nestled in your arms.

Would you explain your motivation for that?

You see, your honor, it isn't quite that simple.

What I mean to say is... Well, there were

three other women in the house at the same time.

- Three? - I didn't plan it that way.

I don't go in for group therapy.

But, I... it was just one of those hectic nights.

I can well understand that.

Your honor, may I make ohne statement

to clarify this whole situation?

Clarification would most certainly

be in order, Mr. niles.

Well, your honor, there seems to be a public image of a.J. Niles

as some sort of a wandering Casanova,

to whom the world is a private boudoir.

In the past, there may have been some justification for this,

but ever since I established residence

at paradise village, I've been an entirely different man.

The plain truth is, that for the first time in my life,

I've been in love. Sincerely, deeply in love.

And because of that, only one woman

has meant anything at all to me.

And that woman is Rosemary Howard.

Because of my feeling for her, I couldn't have possibly indulged

in any of the activities of which I've been accused.

I returned from Washington for one reason, your honor,

to marry Ms. Howard.

Unfortunately, she turned me down.

But I was truly and still am deeply in love,

and I hope to persuade her to change her mind and marry me.

No further questions.

Does counsel for the defense

wish to cross-examine the witness?

No questions, your honor.

You may step down, Mr. niles.

Who is your next witness, Mr. backett?

I'd like to call Ms. Rosemary Howard to the stand.

Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

You idiot! You've ruined everything.

Now, you're just another guy.

Yeah, and it's about time.

Now, Ms. Howard,

were you formerly associated with Mr. jynson in business?

I was.

Did you resign your position?

No. I was fired.

Will you tell the court why?

Because I refused to evict Mr. niles from my house.

Who demanded that eviction?

There was a petition signed

by a number of the husbands in the neighborhood.

Well, that would be exhibit a, your honor.

Judge: Is this the document, Ms. Howard?

It appears to be, your honor.

Now, Ms. Howard,

that petition makes several allegations

as to the conduct and character of Mr. niles.

Would you deny them now, under oath?

Well, Ms. Howard?

May I make a statement, your honor?

In the interest of clarification?

Oh, yes.

By all means, Ms. Howard.

These three divorce cases

are based on a complete misunderstanding

of Mr. niles and his motives...

And the motives of the wives.

You tell them, Rosemary!

Order in the court.

Continue, Ms. Howard.

I know this because I worked very closely

with Mr. niles, on his notes.

And I heard all the conversation between the girls and Jack...

I mean Mr. niles...

That night, before Tom jynson came bursting in.

A.j. Niles only wanted to help.

He understood their frustrations,

their doubts

and their loneliness.

She's right, your honor!

Control yourselves! This is not a pta meeting.

Go on, Ms. Howard.

A woman left alone,

even in paradise,

has to rebuild her pride.

I know Dolores and Tom are very much in love with each other

and Mr. niles was aware of it, too.

The others felt that their husbands

were losing interest in them.

But in all this time in paradise village,

a.j. Niles only wanted to help, and this is his reward.

Ms. Howard, Mr. niles is not on trial here.

Oh, I'm aware of that, your honor,

but he seems to be the central character.

Whereas, these men are guilty

of failing to appreciate their wives.

And what's worse, you didn't even trust them.

The truth is, they're lucky to have women

who care enough to try and win back their affection.

As to Mr. a.J. Niles,

I have only one thing to say.

A few minutes ago, he stated, under oath,

that his only objective was to marry me.

And I meant it!

Then I wish to state, under oath,

that I have changed my mind,

and I accept his proposal of marriage.

You're hooked. You're through!

No more experiments.

Judge: Order in this court!

Order!

Order in this courtroom! Please!

Adam: One of the most interesting aspects

of the institution of marriage is a rather complex rite,

colloquially referred to as "the honeymoon.”

Historians have traced this romantic ritual

back to the days of ancient...

Historians have traced this...

Adam: Oh, those historians.