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'It is now five days
since the Labour MP John Stonehouse

'disappeared off this beach
in Florida...'

I just wondered if you'd...
heard anything?

Nothing at all, I'm afraid.

We have reason to suppose
that this isn't your real name.

Who's Dums, Joe?

CRIES

We can't have one of our MPs
faking his own death

and then reappearing
on the other side of the world!

He is our majority, Betty.
He has to be made to see sense.

Maybe it was me you, er,
you really wanted to get away from?

No, of course not!

How marvellous to see you both!

I thought we were going to be
together! The two of us!

It's just a few details to iron out.

John Stonehouse, I have an order
for your extradition

to the United Kingdom to face 15
charges of forgery, theft and fraud.

So as you know, Mr Stonehouse,
this programme is about people

who have gone missing
in mysterious circumstances.

Now, it's possible that some of our
viewers might not know who you are.

Really? Do you think so?

It is possible.

So it's very important
to tell your story

as simply and clearly as you can.

Simply. Clearly.

Got it.

Mr Stonehouse!
Mr Stonehouse!

How does it feel to be finally
out on bail, Mr Stonehouse?

I have no complaints
about the way I've been treated.

No, my accommodation
was quite satisfactory

and the food
unexpectedly nutritious.

What I-What I would take issue
with, though, is the, erm...

is the way in which my applications
for bail have been repeatedly denied

in a manner in which
I can only conclude as, erm,

politically motivated.

It was the...
It was the humbug and hypocrisy

that I witnessed in politics
that caused my breakdown,

and now it's that hypocrisy
and humbug

that is trying to deny me now
a fair hearing. Thank you.

Did you have a message
you'd like to send to the public?

Wake up, England!

Thank you.

CLAMOURING

Hello, darling.

HE CHUCKLES

Welcome home. Welcome home.
Welcome home, Dad.

Oh, thank you! Oh, Lord!
Look at that!

Look at that. That's wonderful.

Ah! Wonderful to be back.

CHUCKLES

Erm, yes, even-even though it
took an absurdly long time to-to...

to sort out the, er,

the-the misunderstandings
surrounding my case,

it... I have to say,

I found the experience
extraordinarily interesting.

Talking to people, as one does,
and lending an ear,

it became obvious that-that-that
a lot of them, the vast majority,

I daresay,
don't deserve to be in prison.

They don't deserve it.

They're there
through no fault of their own,

and through an
unfortunate series of...of...of...

Misunderstandings?
Misunderstandings.

Exactly so!

RADIO: 'Demonstrations are currently
being held up and down the country.

'In other news: Six weeks
after his sensational return

'to the UK, MP John Stonehouse was
released on bail from Brixton prison

'this morning,

'effectively holding the fate
of the Government in his hands.'

SHE TURNS RADIO OFF

Just like old times.

Not quite.

I know the conditions of your bail

forbid you
from seeing Sheila Buckley,

but let me make my position
perfectly clear.

You are not to see her again,
either now or in the future,

in or outside of work.

Is that understood?

Absolutely!

One hundred percent.

Hm.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

I think I'm just going to pop out
for a quick stroll,

if you don't mind?
Just to clear my head.

Hm.

BARBARA TALKS QUIETLY: I just don't
know what the best thing to do is.

I know people are saying that
he's making a laughing stock of us.

All of us.

I just want to do whatever possible
to keep the family together,

try to act normally, no matter
how abnormal the situation is.

Well, that's very reassuring.

Thank you.

No, it-it means a lot, really.

All right, well, er... better go.

Speak soon.

Bye.

Good morning, darling!
SHE YELPS

Oh!

The Ayes to the right,
three hundred and sixteen.

The Noes to the left,
three hundred and sixteen.

CHEERING

The Ayes to the right,
three hundred and sixteen.

The Noes to the left,
three hundred and sixteen.

CHEERING

Order. Order!

That's the second time in a week
that Stonehouse has defied the whips

and missed the vote, Prime Minister.

Prime Minister?

Tell me, Betty...

do you ever wonder what happens...

afterwards?

Afterwards, Prime Minister?

You know, Goodnight Vienna
and all that.

Do the lucky ones, or the virtuous
ones, really go to a better place?

Do you mean
the House of Lords, Prime Minister?

HE CHUCKLES

Maybe I do, Betty. Maybe I do.

John Stonehouse, Prime Minister...

If he misses another vote,

then the Tories could table
a motion of no confidence,

and if that happens,
we'll be well and truly...

I know exactly where we'll be,
Betty.

Let me see
if I've got this straight.

In order to stay in power,

we need the support of someone
who's either off his rocker

or pretending to be off his rocker,
or else sufficiently off his rocker

not to be able to tell whether
he's really off his rocker or not.

There, does that about cover it?

Yes.

It's time to bring the awkward sod
back to heel.

Hello, darling.

You're late.

Well, you know
what it's like when you, er...

meet old chums and start, er...
chatting away and...

..chewing the fat.

Time flies, so...

Just, er...

..clear my head.

Yes, of course you're scared,
darling. That's perfectly natural.

No, I don't expect you to wait
indefinitely. Absolutely not.

No, no, no.
It's just a matter of timing.

'Darling. Hello? Are you there?'

Yes.

'Oh, it's all right.
I thought we'd been cut off.'

I miss my Dums...

'I miss my Dums, too.

'Terribly. Terribly.
It's like an ache.'

What sort of an ache?

Just a...

Just a sort of all-over
sort of ache.

I miss the touch of you.

'Feeling you beside me.

'Your arms wrapped around me.'

Do you?

'Mmm.'

And I miss the things you do to me.

What-What sort of things?

The way you make me forget myself.

Do I?

You know you do.

'Just be patient, my love.'

Just for a little while longer.

I promise you,
nothing can stand in our way.

SHE SIGHS

Bye. Bye, darling. Bye. Bye.

Before I call upon

the Right Honourable Gentleman
for Walsall North

to make a personal statement,
I want to make one thing clear.

In light of
his particular circumstances,

he must stick to the wording
of his prepared statement.

I will not tolerate any deviations.

I am very grateful, Mr Speaker,
for agreeing to my request.

The, erm...

The events
surrounding my disappearance

have caused a great deal
of press interest.

Erm... enormous press interest...

all round the world,
and I feel I owe it to the House

to offer an explanation for my...
my behaviour.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

In the latter half of last year,

I suffered
a complete mental breakdown.

This breakdown was analysed by an
eminent psychologist in Australia

and described by her
as a form of emotional suicide.

It took the form of
attempting to destroy

the personality of John Stonehouse,

because that personality
had become intolerable to him.

The nature and the scale
of Stonehouse's idealism

proved incompatible
with the day-to-day realities

of political life...

The Right Honourable Gentleman

is departing from
his prepared statement.

Mr Speaker, I made one or two
small textual changes,

just for clarity, nothing more.

The Right Honourable Gentleman must
say only what has been passed by me!

Just being in the Chamber
became physically painful

because it was a reminder
of my lost ideals...

..of my belief in the fundamental
goodness of human nature,

a belief that was sorely
and continually tested

by the behaviour
of my parliamentary colleagues.

MURMOURING

During my time at Westminster,

I have come to see
the House of Commons

as riddled with deceit, corruption,
and hypocrisy.

Once again,

the Right Honourable Gentleman
is departing from the agreed text!

Parliamentary democracy,
our great gift to the world,

has been reduced to
nothing more than a charade.

Every five years the people
of this country elect people

to represent them.

They do so in the belief
that these representatives

are acting
in their own best interests.

In reality,
they're doing nothing of the sort.

In reality,
the vast majority of MPs -

and I have to include myself in this
- are no better than robots.

I will not...
I will not tolerate this any more!

Docile, unthinking machines.

Voting on issues
they don't understand after debates

which they do not listen to.

Deluding themselves that they have
anyone's welfare at heart

except, perhaps, their own...

The Right Honourable Gentleman
will be seated.

On the 15th of October last,

Sheila Buckley wrote the
following letter to John Stonehouse:

"My darling Dums,

"Whichever way you turn,
I'll be there for you.

"Rest assured that I will do
anything in my power to help.'

On the eighth of November last,

John Stonehouse wrote the
following letter to Sheila Buckley:

"My darling Dums,

"The thought of being with you
is the only thing

"that keeps me going
through this vale of hardship."

I find that there is a case
to answer against both of you.

As a result,

you will be committed to the Central
Criminal Court to stand your trial

on charges of deception and theft.

Barbara?

BARBARA: You're sleeping
in the spare room.

SIGHS

'The number you have dialled
is not in service at this time.'

RINGING

Hello?

Yes, this is he.

Prime Minister!

No, no, no, no, I wasn't asleep.

No, far from it, in fact.

Tomorrow?

Yes, of course.

Course.

I heard your speech, John.

Bit drastic,
there's no getting away from that,

but there was some good stuff
in there. Food for thought.

You and me,
we may have had our spats,

but beneath it all we're very alike.

Both men of high ideals.
Too high, possibly.

Too trusting for our own good.

Worn down by all the back-stabbing.

That's what I was trying to get at.

And you did get at it, John!
Bang on the money.

All the duplicity, the treachery
of our so-called colleagues.

The sheer bloody nastiness
of them...

Exactly so! Exactly!

What a pair we are, eh?

CHUCKLING

That whole business in Miami...

Again, a bit drastic.

Well, more than a bit drastic,
let's face it.

But, erm, it couldn't have been
easy for you.

Took a lot of guts.

Well, I really didn't feel like
I had any choice.

I'm sure you didn't, John.
I'm sure you didn't.

Something broke.

Something broke inside.

The old John Stonehouse...

had to die.

No, I can see that.

Can you?

Well, of course.

Which of us
truly knows who we really are?

Take me, for instance.
What do you see?

What am I, John?

Well, you-you're the Prime Minister,
Prime Minister.

Don't I know it!

No, I mean apart from all that.

I'll tell you what I am.

I'm the big fat spider
in the corner of the room.

Sometimes I speak when I'm asleep.

Sometimes I may tell you
to go to the Charing Cross Road

and kick a blind man.

Would you do that for me?

Well, if you really wanted me to,
Prime Minister.

I knew I could rely on you...

when the chips were down.

So, then...

no more silly buggers, eh?

No more silly buggers.

That's the spirit.

Well, I won't take up
any more of your valuable time.

I have enjoyed our little chin-wag.

Thank you.

You're quite right, of course.

Prime Minister?

What you said about politics.

About what it does to you.

The price you pay...

After a while,
something does get broken.

'Following his defection
to the United States last month,

'the former Czech spymaster
Alexander Marek

'has given his first
television interview.'

'Can you tell me what your duties
were at the Czech embassy?'

'I was in charge of
recruiting politicians.'

'Recruiting British politicians
to spy for the Czechs?'

'Huh.'

'And how did you do that?'

'Sex.

'That was the most effective way.

'Erm... One of our agents
would seduce the politician.

'We would film him having sex
with a hidden camera,

'and then we would tell him
that if he didn't cooperate,

'then we would send the film
to his wife.'

'And how senior
were these politicians?'

'Very senior.'

'Are you saying that ministers
of the Crown were Czech spies?'

'Well... only one.'

'And are you able to identify
this senior politician?'

'Um...'

SIGHS

SHOUTS: I'm going out!

What are you doing?

You know we're not supposed
to see each other.

I know. I know, I'm sorry, darling.

I just couldn't bear not to see you.

Anyway, I thought you'd be
at the House of Commons.

Really? Why?

'The Prime Minister's resignation
has caused widespread astonishment.

'Suggestions that he might be ill,

'even that he might
have become disillusioned,

'have been dismissed
as unfounded speculation.

'What's not in doubt, though,

'is that his resignation has plunged
the country into a fresh crisis.

'Having lost its majority in the
House of Commons, the Government...'

But I just saw him!

Who?
Wilson. Yesterday.

I went to see him yesterday.

What did he say?

He said that he understood.

That he felt the same way as I do.

This is all down to me!

Mmm.

Well, omelette, of course,

but there's something...
something unusual in there,

something I wouldn't have expected.

Give up?

I give up.

Anchovies!

Anchovies!

I would never have guessed that.

How clever you are!
You're so clever.

Mm!

You've got to go.

I know. I know...

I know. I just can't
see the point any more.

Argh!

People often ask me,

what does the
English National Party stand for?

My answer is simple.

We stand for everything
that makes England great:

its tolerance, its good manners,
its love of nature,

and of course its rich
and diverse folk-dancing heritage.

At this time of great uncertainty,
we believe that a return

to traditional virtues represents
our best hope for the future.

So my friends, don't delay,
join with us today -

and Let's Make England Merry Again!

MUSIC PLAYS

"I will not continue...

"I am not prepared to continue...

"With the Prime Minister's
resignation,

"I cannot in all conscience
continue to support a government

"I disagree with on so many issues,

"a government whose only concern...

"..whose sole concern seems to be
surviving from week to week...

"I have therefore decided to resign
the Labour Whip and join the..."

English National Party?

John, they're fascists!

No, no, that's the National Front.

The English National Party
is quite different.

What do they believe in?

A devolved English Parliament...

Erm... abolition of income tax...

Morris dancing...

And do you know, I've-I've also...

I've also been giving
a lot of thought to the future.

After all this has been
sorted out... John...

..and I have to say I'm feeling
quite optimistic about things,

about things in general.
John!

And of course, I don't deny
that there are problems.

Practical problems. Money, for one.

And, of course, there's the
children... John! But I really do...

Let's not look too far
into the future, shall we?

Right.

You know
what they say about happiness.

You have to snatch at it
before it flies away.

I hadn't heard that,
as a matter of fact.

Snatch at it, you say?

Whoo, there it goes...

Whoo, gone round again. I've got it.

Course you're right, darling,
as always.

I do know what happiness is.

It's being right here with you.

You won't do anything rash,
will you?

What do you mean?

In court.

You won't do anything rash.

Darling, you have my word!

All rise.

You may sit.

Your Honour,
after careful consideration...

..I have decided to dispense with
my legal team...

GASPING

..my extremely efficient
and able legal team

and conduct my own defence.

Given the complexities of my case,

and the frankly absurd nature

of some of the charges against me...

..I feel that I am the only one
who can give an accurate

and unbiased account
of what really happened.

Mr Stonehouse, I strongly advise you
to reconsider your decision.

In my experience,

defendants who insist on conducting
their own defence

invariably end up doing themselves
a lot more harm than good.

Sit down, please.

Mr Stonehouse, I warned you
at the start of this trial

that in choosing
to conduct your own defence,

you were making a grave mistake.

No, Mr Stonehouse, I have heard
more than enough from you.

As a result of
your constant interruptions,

your meandering digressions

and your insistence on contesting
every tiny detail

of the prosecution's case,

a trial that was scheduled to last
three weeks

has dragged on
for almost four months,

at the end of which
you have been found guilty

on 18 of the 21 counts you faced.

Throughout your trial,

you have sought to lay the blame
for what you insisted on calling

your travails at the hands of
almost anyone apart from yourself.

However, I am quite satisfied
that the blame is yours

and yours alone.

While I do not claim to be
an expert in mental illness,

I rather doubt if anyone committing
emotional suicide

has cynically committed fraud,

obtained two false passports
and hatched a sophisticated scheme

to start a new life
on the other side of the world.

There are those who will say that
your fall from grace

is punishment enough.

But given the severity
of your offences,

I believe I have no choice but to
pass the maximum possible sentence.

I am therefore sentencing
you to seven years imprisonment.

MURMOURING

Sheila Buckley,
while I have no doubt

that you aided Mr Stonehouse
in his plan,

I am satisfied
that you were prompted

more by your devotion to him
than by any malicious intent.

I am therefore giving you
a two-year suspended sentence.

Hello. John Stonehouse!

I don't suppose there's a hanger?

Good night.

I tried to bring in some food,
but I'm afraid they took it away.

For examination, they said.

Probably looking for bolt-cutters.

No, don't worry about bringing me
anything, darling.

Just you being here
is more than enough.

Just being able to touch you,
even over this...

horrid table...

Do you know the most
extraordinary thing?

Since I've been here, I feel -

and I know
this is gonna sound ridiculous -

but for the first time in my life
I feel free.

It's incredibly liberating being
treated as just one of the crowd,

just as an ordinary human being.

You'll never be ordinary for me.

Well, there's ordinary
and ordinary, of course.

What do you think
prompted your husband's behaviour?

Well, that's a very
difficult question to answer.

Er...

I have been reading about something
called the male menopause,

and I... and I wonder if that
might have something to do with it.

May I ask, what are your feelings
for your husband?

Sadness...

Pity.

And... anger?

Yes...

Anger.

"Intolerable"?

I'm sorry.

"The petitioner in the divorce
action, Barbara Susan Stonehouse,

"finds it intolerable
to live with the respondent,

"John Thomson Stonehouse."

It's funny what
we choose to focus on, isn't it?

You see, the key word
there for me is "adultery".

But then so much of a marriage
is what you choose not to notice.

Did you really think I didn't know,
John?

About your secrets?

The things you tried to hide.

I saw what I wanted to see,
at least to begin with.

But do you know the strangest thing?

Is I think you knew.

On-On some level,

I-I think you knew that I could see
through all your-your little veils,

and you didn't like it.
You didn't like it one little bit.

And so you-you kept squirreling
more and more things away,

bigger and bigger secrets

until finally you came
to the biggest secret of the lot.

Well, I didn't see that one coming.

No. You, er...

You really got me there.

I do...

I do love you, you know.

SHE LAUGHS

You know, for once,
I actually believe you.

You thought you could have it all,
didn't you, John?

Everything your heart desired.

But in the end...

Hello?

Hello, everyone.

I'm here!

Where is everybody?

Where have you all gone?

HEARTBEAT

Quick. Warden in. Warden. Warden!

Warden! We need a warden in here!
We need someone in here.

PANTS

Heart.

You remember Sheila?

She's a...

friend of Dad's.

Here we go again.

It's the nightly bedtime story.

Nearly there, John.

Nearly there, Dave.

How are you feeling?

Happy.

Happy and...

thankful.

Soppy sod.

Goodbye, darling.
See you this evening.

Good luck!

I don't want Daddy to go!

Don't you worry, darling boy.
I'll be back as soon as you know it,

and I promise I will never,
ever, ever go away again.

# Maybe it is raining
Where our train will ride

# Oh the little travellers
Are warm and snug inside

# Rocking, rolling, riding
Out along the bay

# All bound for Morningtown
Many miles away... #

Bye.

HE SIGHS

Mr Stonehouse?

Mr Stonehouse?

Mr Stonehouse?

Mr Stonehouse?

Are you all right?

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