Original subtitles

The tale of the great knight...

always begins in a troubled land.

A place where the people have lost their way.

Here, they chose distractions...

over actions.

They fought with their love,

rather than for them.

They ran from,

instead of toward, their enemies.

They became lost and alone.

And the only thing they ever killed...

was time.

It was a land in need of a hero.

Danny Kehoe was a hero,

though he didn't yet know it much.

Even as a child, he had been unique.

But for this, he had been tormented.

And eventually, he retreated from the world.

Hidden away in his ivory tower.

He was alone and safe.

And he was happy.

Excellent.

But hiding, for a hero...

is always temporary.

Aah.

Wait!

I need the books.

I'm the only one who cares for them.

You got to give them to me.

I can't do it, brah.

I got to take them back to this disposal place.

Right here, see?

Danny returned to his ancestral home.

It was, however, already occupied

by his niece.

A kind and ordinary maiden.

She busied herself with ordinary things.

And she was sure that her uncle would do the same.

But Danny had taken possession

of the books.

"Lord of the World!"

And the books soon took possession of Danny.

Liberated from the bonds of work,

he devoted himself...

solely to the texts.

And began to see that these were not just tales,

these were histories.

True accounts of real heroes,

kings, knights, maidens, and monsters.

"Amadee!"

- Uncle Danny? - "Lord of the World,

know that the glory...

- Uncle Danny! - "...he has..."

Up you go.

I'm gonna close these shutters, so you can sleep in.

You need rest.

And once you've seen life

as what it can be,

it's no longer possible to see it as it is.

Suddenly,

the world itself was filled

with symbols, meanings, and signs.

Change?

Change.

Change. Yes.

There ain't enough room for Kevin!

You never said a damn word

about it before!

It's a dumb-ass idea!

And as always, the hero's path was guided

by the gentle hand of fate.

What am I gonna do with you?

You could have been killed.

With your stupid books.

The poor niece was simply afraid.

She could not understand the power of the ancient books.

Danny Kehoe!

You've suspected all your life,

that this was not the world where you belonged.

Yes, you know what this means.

No.

Who in all the world would steal

the sacred texts of knight-errantry?

Who rides a beast that leaves behind

such a trail of sulfurous breath?

Yes. Yes, Freston.

The enchanter, Freston the Wise

and his accursed dragon.

And who, pray tell,

is the lone enemy, throughout time,

of that foul sorcerer?

Freston.

Freston attacks, only true knights-errant.

Only the greatest among them.

The enchantment is lifted.

Now, at long last,

you can cast aside this sad illusion

and see your true self.

Your true destiny.

Yes!

Reject this tedious prison.

Embrace the code of knight-errantry,

and find the true glory

into which you were born.

Yes!

"For a true knight prays,"

with every breath, a glorious life,

"a glorious death!"

You will wander the earth,

seeking adventures.

You will slay a hideous giant,

liberate the oppressed,

retrieve a sacred relic,

heal broken hearts,

and teach the code of chivalry

to the weak and the orphaned.

And in your success,

the people will sing and dance in your glory.

And so, flags unfurled,

the great knight set out to claim his glory

and win the love of the people.

But as the histories had taught him...

glory and fame

require a glorious name.

To your knees, knave! I am Sir Daniel!

I am Lord Kehoe the magnanimous.

No. Dan the illustrious?

Dan the industrious. No.

Sir Sansabelle.

El Pescator.

Monsieur de la Hoosey!

Don... Oh!

Don. Don. Don. Something.

Don Daniel de la Kehoe.

Don Danny! No.

Don... Quixotellano!

"Thanks and praise to thee,"

oh, great and noble knight,

Don Quixotellaneo.

Don...

Let the world

forever mark...

Let the world forever mark this day.

The day that great and noble knight

set forth to claim his glory,

and restore the promise of chivalry and greatness

to these corrupt and empty times.

Let his name moisten the lips of the people

through eternity.

For I,

Don Quixote

of La Mancha!

My good wench,

it appears that due to an enchanter spell,

I believe myself to be your uncle,

my apologies.

Now that my true identity has been restored,

I take my leave of you

to seek my glory and embrace my fate.

Oh, my god.

It was soon proved

that all needs and desires of a knight-errant

are immediately fulfilled.

Easy. Easy.

Take my scent into your nostrils.

I am the master of your bridle.

My brave and noble mount.

The finest in all the world.

Rejoice, noble nag!

In honor of your beauty and your breeding,

as well as the sweet fragrance

of your essential oils,

and your thorny defenses,

I dub thee,

Rosacea.

Daddy?

Somebody's on the scooter.

Dad!

Don Quixote

was a great vision of hope for the peasantry.

What the hell, boy?

Wiping grease up in the house.

I don't wanna get all up...

God damn it, Kenny!

It's your job!

And he was a great threat

to the monsters lurking among them.

I thank thee, oh Lord,

for this glorious opportunity

to embrace danger and court death.

Fly, Rosacea!

To your knees, vile creature!

What? Are you as deaf as you are hideous?

Answer my challenge,

lest my glory be written in your blood.

Die, foul beast!

Your wicked reign over these lands

shall end at the end of this, my arm!

Yes! Recoil your hideous head.

I commend my body and soul

in these highly dangerous efforts

to my one true love and captor of my heart,

that peerless and noble beauty...

That peerless and noble beauty...

The Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco.

Aah!

You're gonna break!

I've pierced your brain, foul beast!

Now I have you, odious Giant of Andecoria!

Boom!

What have I not done?

Of course.

Of course. My squire.

Where have you been?

I cannot successfully conduct adventures

without a squire.

It is not done.

- Ow. - Did you see it?

See... See what?

Quit your babbling and answer my question.

Did you or did you not see here a hideous beast?

With a moist and bilious eye?

Did you not smell the creature's putrid breath?

I... I just saw the oil machine. I didn't...

It cannot be.

Only a fool would attack a machine.

And I, as you well know,

am less a fool than any man alive.

Unless...

Of course.

Of course. Freston. Oh, you wretched cur.

Clearly, that wizard metamorphosed

the giant, at the last second,

into this iron contraption

to deprive me of my glory.

And you, you're the proof.

Obviously, such spells only work

on the acute senses of knights-errant.

So the fact that it was all invisible to your simple mind,

proves that it is so.

Come along, Sancho.

When a knight-errant strides forth,

his squire follows.

Come along.

My, my name is Kevin.

Nonsense. That's no name for a squire.

Only you, Sancho, would have your senses scrambled

by a blow to another man's head.

Ow!

You are Sancho, my squire.

Do I get paid for squiring?

Paid?

Isn't it enough to feel the frisson of adventure?

To know that you are loved and admired

for your deeds alone?

Isn't that the greatest reward

that a man could ever receive?

For some people maybe,

but I need 155 dollars because they shut my phone off.

And my stepdad's a piece of shit, so...

Fine. Fine.

You shall have all that you require and more.

I give you my word.

With his loyal squire by his side,

and his lady's love in his heart,

Don Quixote was invincible.

Whoo!

Together, they found many adventures.

Aah!

What's he doing?

They repelled invaders.

Son of a bitch!

They suffered great deprivations...

until rations could be won.

Hey! Hey, you got to pay for that.

- Oh, you gonna pay now. - Oh, shit!

They defeated a great army.

And freed a holy shrine

from the flags of the infidels.

This did not go over so well, however,

with the infidels.

Civilized men cannot sit idly by

while any one man puts his own desires

above his communities.

It threatens their comfort and safety.

It only takes the smallest tug on the thinnest thread

to unravel the fabric.

Sancho! Make sure that Rosacea is groomed and fed.

I think I'm gonna call you Dapple.

Yeah.

Glory is mine.

Witness the very method of trickery used

by the great Renaldo De Morello

to defeat the Thousand Bulgarians

and their Tiger Army.

Wow! A thousand Bulgarian tigers?

What?

There are no tigers in Bulgaria.

You just said...

Obviously, they were brought in from India or China

or some other tiger-infested realm,

and merely deployed by the Bulgarians.

Oh, okay. Okay.

But I still don't get how we're gonna get

a thousand tigers though.

Ow! Hey!

You must pay better attention, Sancho.

The Bulgarians had the tigers.

It is Morello's tactic to defeat them

that we shall deploy.

It is a thing of great cunning.

Oh. Wonderful.

Ha!

Let that foul wizard Freston

try and work his magic on me now.

I shall be as invisible as he.

Uh, shouldn't I have some mud on me to or...

You are but a squire. It's unnecessary.

But anybody who sees me is gonna see you...

Shush! Now, remember, Sancho.

You may only assist me if I drop my sword,

or if I need to be administered a poultice

due to some grave and bloody wound.

Whoa. What, what, what.

Oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, okay.

Oh, oh, okay.

In the pursuit of arms, Sancho,

death is your constant companion.

It is likely that,

I shall be disemboweled or receive a deep gash

to the head in a battle with a hundred of my enemies.

And as I lay upon the ground,

taking my final sweet breaths,

it will be you, my squire, who will weep for me.

Your tears falling down upon me like rain

on a parched earth.

Heartbroken, you will hear my final words,

in which I pledge my love to my lady.

Then you will, no doubt, remove my helmet,

better to hear my devotions.

You will take that helmet to the Lady Dulce de Leche,

and lay it at her feet.

She will see the marks upon it,

where I took my final blows.

Fearless and unwavering in my bravery and my devotion.

And at last, I will be worthy

of her perfect love.

What's a poultice?

Ow!

Where, where are you...

Prepare for liberation!

What are you doing?

Oh, my god! That's a cop!

The illustrious. Darn the... Ow!

- Damn! - Ooh!

Repent, slaver!

A knight-errant cannot abide servitude.

- Hold up. - Collect their weapons.

What? You said not to, to help you with the...

I'm making an exception.

Oh, my gosh. This is happening so...

I should remove your head,

but instead, I shall confound it.

- Answer me this, - I'm so sorry...

who is the greater fool,

the man who accepts his fate or the man who creates it?

Whichever one is you, that's the fool.

Incorrect!

I am the master of my fate.

You, mademoiselle, are a vassal.

A vassal does what she is told without regard to justice.

A free man does what is just

without regard to what he is told.

Bind her hands.

Are you sure? We just took her gun.

Bind them, noble squire.

I knew I should have put mud on me.

I'm so sorry.

Greetings, slaves!

I, - Slaves?

Don Quixote of La Mancha,

hereby liberate you.

Go, wretched servants,

to the Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco,

and say that, I, Don Quixote of La Mancha

dedicate this great victory to you, peerless lady

and captor of his heart.

Yes. Yes.

Go! Taste your sweet, sweet freedom.

Embrace the horizon and find your true calling.

Go with God.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Man, I'm in for a D.U.I.

I got one week left.

Now, who you think's gonna go down for this?

Huh?

Avast.

- Flee, Sancho! - What, what?

- Ingrates! - Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Aah!

It is true that the captives were ungrateful.

And that Dapple, Sancho's mount,

was sadly lost.

Still, it was a glorious victory.

You know Sancho,

I believe that one of those slaves was a criminal.

One of them? They were all criminals.

Impossible.

Only a fool would liberate a criminal.

And as I am certainly no fool,

they cannot, therefore, be criminals.

No. No. No. No, no, no.

The only two that weren't criminals,

were the ones that were cops.

Yeah.

And Don Quixote's fame

spread across the land.

Tony's fine.

He got a little bump on his head.

Heh he was playing possum.

Disdain for authority

always presents an imminent threat.

We should be prepared to use lethal force.

I'm gonna work over this neighborhood.

Put another patrolman over here.

He'll be out in public somewhere.

Preening,

looking to be admired, respected.

That will not happen.

Um, what are you doing?

I am in repose.

What's repose?

Obviously, it is when you pose again.

All knights-errant spend their nights in repose,

standing in some glade, contemplating and fasting.

- What? - You must acquaint yourself

with the history, Sancho.

Knights-errant only eat at sumptuous feasts

and they never sleep at all.

They live on the meat of their desires,

and the sweetness of their love.

What do squires do?

The habits of squires are of such little importance,

that they are not mentioned in the chronicles.

Okay, well, I think squires go inside.

- What? - I'm a squire, right?

I'm your squire, so I would know the most about being a squire.

I think that squires probably go inside.

And I think, since you keep saying I'm simple,

I probably do simple things like, eat dinner.

And sleep on a bed with clean sheets, and a fan

that makes a nice humming noise.

All right. All right. All right.

Sancho, as you well know,

I can easily withstand

the nightly knightly deprivations at hand.

However,

it may be unreasonable of me to expect a squire

to endure such rigors.

Perhaps, just this once, we can suffer,

- such vulgar comforts. - That's all I could ask for.

- Just this once! - Okay. Yeah.

Yo. I'm guessing you got a nice house, right?

The niece waited all night.

Had she read the books, she would've known

that a true knight could rest...

in only one place.

A castle.

You see, Sancho.

When you're a knight-errant,

a grateful world provides

for you every need and desire.

Yeah.

Greetings, peasants.

I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,

am here to enliven your wretched and empty lives.

Servant boy, bring some oats for my mount.

Out by the portcullis.

And fetch the master of this castle.

I'm the owner of this place.

Oh. My deepest apologies.

Your Moorish countenance

was obviously the cause of this misunderstanding.

We require a feast and succor for my squire.

Many thanks, wench.

Typically, in such a fine castle,

this would be mutton or pheasant

or some other such rare game.

Your Arab, is a different breed of man,

but this is a strange and marvelous cuisine.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

- We talked about... - Ow!

Doing all this in public.

Shut up.

Stop telling me to shut up.

Oh, no. What are you doing?

Sweet virgin princesses.

Rest assured that in my presence,

you and your modesty are as safe

as if you were in the womb.

Hey. No touchie, brah.

Hey. No touching the girls, brah!

I assure you, sir,

my intentions are chaste.

You're about to get your ass chased right outta here

if you don't listen to me when I talk.

Hey, hey, man. Just cut him some slack, all right?

He's a little crazy.

Imma cut him more than that

if he don't start paying attention.

I must warn you, sir, I am a knight.

Boss, um, this is not the time.

You need to put that sword away before you get yourself killed.

Huh? All right?

You got the costume,

and you're talking all old-timey,

but you're not a knight.

You know that, right?

You... are not a knight.

Yeah, didn't think so.

I told you he wasn't a knight.

What, what's wrong boss?

Boss? What's wrong? What's wrong?

It's true. I am not a knight.

I, I didn't wanna say anything. I mean, I thought you knew.

All the histories that I've read,

there's always some ritual.

Some manner of declaration.

An official bestowing of the title of Knight-errant.

I have had no such ceremony.

I, I must find a,

a king or, a queen or...

a noble of some sort.

You, you, sir.

You're the Lord of this land, are you not?

Well, I'm the landlord.

You may commence.

All that's required is that you list my virtues.

And use as many long

and meaningful-sounding words as possible.

"Let these be your desires."

To melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love

and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart,

and give thanks for another day of loving.

To rest at noon hour, and meditate love's ecstasy.

To return home at eventide

with gratitude, and then to sleep

with a prayer for the beloved in your heart

"and a song of praise on your lips."

Khalil Gibran.

I will be forever grateful to you.

It was my honor.

I can already feel my love and my righteous rage

becoming unbearable.

Prepare a room for my squire.

I must go and contemplate my disappointment and my pain.

Suffering is essential to my success.

Uh, where are you going?

Um...

I mean, I would love to get to that room.

That'll be wonderful.

The glorious ceremony had filled Don Quixote

with a mystical vigor.

And he kept a keen eye

trained over this, his land.

And humble Sancho,

reveled in the silks and perfumes

that filled the castle of the Great Lord.

It was the happiest night of his life.

Don't wake him up.

Ah. Oh, shit!

Stop it. What are you doing?

Go check his pockets.

Okay, try his pants.

Okay, this guy has nothing.

Oh, damn it.

Hey, baby.

I just thought you might need some company.

He punched me in the head!

- Punched my girlfriend? - No!

- He did! - You punched my girl?

- No. No. No. - Did you punch my girl, bro?

- Kill him! - No. No. No.

Trout!

Might wanna think about the other legal issues

that come into play here.

We got to do something, though?

He's just a dumb kid.

No, please.

I say we treat him like one.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh, what's the matter? You scared?

Don Quixote!

Please!

Please!

I quit doing it too!

Oh, no!

Behold!

How fortunate you are to bear witness to my success.

Though obviously too small

to be the Giant of Andecoria,

the creature towered over me

until I relieved him of his head,

whereupon his body vanished.

No doubt, from some ancient spell.

What is going on out here?

My Lord, take this tribute

to the Lady Dulce De Leche of Tabasco.

And say that, "I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,"

dedicate this tribute to you,

"peerless lady and captor of his heart."

- Whoa! - Merci, Sancho.

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait! I can't...

The great knight could sense that the excitement

had taken a toll on his poor squire.

Luckily, he knew a remedy.

It's your own fault, Sancho.

Your selfishness brought you this pain.

I should never have acceded to your demands

for safety and comfort.

Those things, Sancho,

are as dangerous as a thousand monsters.

We could instead have spent our time here

where all good things happen and all sweetness is made.

In nature!

Nature provides us with all we need.

There's a balm, Sancho,

that only a knights-errant may employ.

Luckily, I have the sacred formula

hidden away in my mind.

Behold!

The Balsam of Fierbras.

It cures any ailment and heals any wound.

The sweet elixir.

Whoa, Sancho!

I feel the strength...

of a hundred...

no, a thousand men coursin' through me!

I feel alive... and new in every sinew.

Oh, Sancho.

We knights-errant can become callous

to the daily miracles of our trade.

But this, this is truly the work of God.

Imbibe the Balsam of Fierbras!

Now, you will feel...

the restorative power

of such a concoction.

The energizing... effects...

of the sacred, invigorating...

elixir!

Oh. I actually feel something.

This... This is working.

Well, did you doubt me?

Well, yeah, but...

Works on ahead.

I feel something. No, I feel something.

It is indeed a powerful...

- Nope. No. - Balm.

I'm dying.

I'm dying.

Do you not feel... it's restorative power?

I feel...

mighty...

alive.

The older one is severely mentally ill

with delusional projections and extreme narcissism.

The younger one, we think,

just suffers from extremely low cognitive function.

Which is to say, he is not smart.

Did you ever see any one of them before?

No.

Don't know 'em.

So, um...

Where... Where do you think they are now?

Probably, still in the area.

The last sighting was

at the Nighty Knight's Inn on 61.

That's where one of the instances

of ritual animal sacrifice occurred.

Ah. There's no need to worry.

We're just making people aware

and, uh, asking for information.

Okay.

I'll promise you this,

we don't allow this kind of thing

in the Parish of St. Bernard.

We'll have them both off the streets soon.

One way or another.

Sancho?

Sancho?

Sancho?

Sancho?

Sancho?

Approved vacation days, so today, I'm using one.

Sancho, where are you going?

I'm going home.

Sancho, I implore you,

do not disappoint yourself.

That cow has already left the station, I'm going.

Sancho, I command you to stop.

My name is Kevin.

Kevin is my name, okay?

And if you really want me to stay,

how about you give me the 155 dollars

you said you'd give me?

If you must know, I carry no lucre.

What, what is that?

I carry no money.

What?

Knights-errant are above it.

Money is vulgar.

I've never known a knight to have a single penny.

He has simply given

all that he needs or desires.

Silks, ermines,

precious oils, inuslas, Duchies.

Can you not hear what you're saying?

Ermines and Ursulas don't... they're not real, okay?

I'm done! I'm leaving.

Sancho, stop this insolence!

After him, Rosacea!

Leave me alone.

- What do you want? - Sancho.

I beg you. Please.

The code of chivalry requires, that I have a squire.

I need you.

I don't wanna be your squire!

- I need you. - I, I'm gone.

Sancho! Do, do you see it?

Glistening in the sun?

It is the most sought after relic

in all of knight-errantry.

Not listening!

It is the helmet of Mambrino!

Surely in the hands of a thief of Lapato!

This is worse than home.

Come, noble squire!

Here is an adventure you do not want to miss.

For glory and my squire!

Relinquish the sacred relic, infidel!

What the hell, jackass?

The helmet...

of Mambrino.

Seriously?

You're stealing bridal shower gifts?

You touch it,

I swear I'll bash your brains out.

Sancho! Sancho!

The helmet, do not let the infidel

sully the sacred...

I got it, boss! I got the helmet!

Sancho!

Here!

The helmet! The helmet!

I dedicate this great victory

to the Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco!

Guide me, Mambrino!

Oh, crap!

Oh, my god! Yeah!

Yes!

Sancho didn't even wonder why

his master was protected with two helmets

while he had none.

He was filled with joy for having done something brave.

Don't know how you did that! Sweet!

Oh, Sancho, such squirely behavior.

Your thoughts were only of me!

I don't know what I was thinking.

The histories will be kind to you.

Why do you care about history?

You won't even be there to hear the story.

Oh, sweet, simple Sancho,

this is the story!

Life is a story. And this one is mine.

I write the dialogue as I speak and the actions as I move.

The same is true for all men.

Though few ever choose

to cast themselves as the villain,

many choose to be the victim, or even worse,

the bystander.

But in this story,

The Ingenious Gentleman, Don Quixote of La Mancha,

I am the hero!

And, as this is a great and unlikely story,

I must do great and unlikely things.

Only a fool sits by while the music plays!

Can you hear it?

I don't hear anything.

I can hear music.

It is the voices of angels, Sancho.

Knights-errant are often lead by angels in just this fashion.

Come along.

Whoa.

Now a true squire,

Sancho could see all the hidden wonder

and magic of the world.

Wow.

It's good.

My god!

It's, it's 155 dollars.

It's exactly how much I needed!

We are not thieves.

Hey, finders are keepers and losers are wieners,

is, um, what I'm gonna say to that, so.

"Ode to Lucinda."

Most beautiful creature in the world.

The moment I saw her, I knew she was my girl.

She even said she'd rather die,

than ever do another guy.

It was heaven on this rock we call Earth.

I was filled with mirth.

But when I told Ferdi, I regretted every wordy.

"He was my friend. But then, he sinned."

What loving heart and learned mind

could concoct such beautiful verse?

Gentle poet, please.

I am no poet!

Did you not write these words?

What is wrong with that guy?

He is a poet.

Mad with love.

He was sent here to me, Sancho,

to teach me, to challenge me.

To remind me of the very heart of knight-errantry.

For a life without the torture of love...

is no life at all.

I have long been gone from the sight of my lady.

She has, no doubt, been tempted

by other men as was this fallen Lucinda.

Women are not as stable in their words and deeds

as we men, Sancho.

I could, of course, return to her

and put my suspicions to rest.

But it will be more heroic to stay here

and allow those fears to torment me.

It will be even more poetic

should I die in the act.

I too shall write a poem, Sancho.

Take it and this map,

so that you may find my lady.

What?

And with your testimony,

bear witness to the depths of my madness.

And take the Helmet of Mambrino.

Though it is unconventional

for a squire to don such a helmet...

Yes.

I know that it will protect you.

No one will stop you, Sancho,

no one.

For we are...

invincible.

Okay.

Sancho eagerly embarked

on his sacred errand.

Leaving Don Quixote

to commence his poetic suffering.

But soon, an enemy appeared.

You're Kevin.

You live in that trailer on Mereaux Road right?

Uh, uh, I don't know.

Oh, you don't know? Okay. Where is he?

My uncle.

I saw pictures of you with him.

Shown to me, by the way, by cops.

Now, where is he?

No. I'm his squire,

and I, I can't deluge his secrets.

Divulge.

Hey!

I was supposed to give that to the lady of the leche.

The milk lady?

"Oh, beauteous maiden,"

pristine in your tower.

I succumb to your beauty,

your grace and sweet power.

Though the greatest knight-errant,

I am unworthy...

of the sweet amber nectar of your fearless love.

So I shall ne'r view your flesh.

So, supple, so pliant,

- till a princess I've saved... - Please.

From a ravaging giant.

Yours, in love everlasting,

"The great and humble, Don Quixote."

- Please, just give... - Is this where he is?

I...

Go back and tell him that you gave his poem

to the woman he loves

and she loves him very much.

And she wants to see him,

hopes to see him, very soon.

And tell him, that, um...

she wants him to wait where he is, and um...

await the hand of fate.

Oh.

And she wants him to not do anything stupid.

A princess and a giant.

He's not stupid.

♪ The bats are in the belfry ♪

♪ The dew is on the moor ♪

♪ Where are the arms That held me ♪

♪ And pledged her love before? ♪

♪ And pledged her love before? ♪

♪ And it's such A sad old feeling ♪

♪ All the fields Are soft and green ♪

Excuse me.

♪ ...that I'm stealing But you're innocent... ♪

Excuse me!

♪ You're innocent When you dream ♪

♪ When you dream ♪

♪ You're innocent When you dream ♪

♪ I made a golden promise ♪

♪ That we would never part ♪

The squire cared for his master,

even concocting tales

of the peerless lady's sweet reply.

Oh.

Take care not to bind my loins, Sancho.

And he was rewarded with a great and unlikely thing.

Is that the great Don Quixote I see?

My name is Princess Muh... Micomiconia,

and I seek a knight to, um... Um...

My lady beseech-eth thee to slaughter a giant,

which vexeth-eth her land.

- Sword. Sword. - Oh. Uh...

My lady thanks you, oh, great knight.

Wait!

Before we embark,

you should know that my heart is owned

by the peerless Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco.

Her love is the only thing in this world

against which I am powerless.

And so, though undoubtedly,

you will find yourself in love with me

as a result of my heroic deeds,

if you have not fallen so already.

I will not ever be free...

to marry you.

Oh, well, that's very disappointing.

To the giant!

Rosacea!

The heroes, so pure of heart,

could not see the treachery at hand.

Little did they know

that they were being lead to the one place

that spells defeat for the adventurer...

Home.

But fortune will often give a lost hero a sign.

Sancho, you remember that castle?

Yeah, I remember it in my bones.

I feel it is my gentlemanly duty

to pay a visit to my old friend, the lord of that place.

It was he who first dubbed me knight.

I feel rightly obligated to accept

whatever offer he may have of a feast

or, perhaps, a bed...

No, no. Your Grace, the giant awaits!

Uh, actually, Your Highness,

Don Quixote hasn't slept or eaten in, like, days.

Rejoice!

The great Don Quixote requires a feast.

Your grace.

We have chili!

Oh, chili, nice.

Yay.

The lord of the land provided a great feast

filled with fellowship and joy.

Sancho regaled his new friends...

with stories of his first-ever adventures.

That was a good one.

I thought he was my best friend.

The poet came in from the woods to account again,

how the devious Ferdi had stolen his sweet Lucinda.

It's intriguing, really.

And Don Quixote dreamed of the great dance

that would declare him worthy and loved.

It now seemed an impossible dream.

What are you doing?

You stay here.

Our wedding...

Jackass.

You frickin'... Ferdi!

Wait, how the hell do you know Ferdi?

Hey, Lucinda? Yeah. I know you.

Do you know me? Dotty.

Ferdi's other fiancée.

- Wait... - What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

In the absence of the Princess,

who is...

who is surely resting

and will be grateful to have missed such behavior,

I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,

have the sole authority to administer justice

and to take a life!

Which I will gladly do if provoked.

- I asked the Prince! - Silence!

Oh, shit...

Are you indeed the fair Lucinda?

That same damsel that inspired the sublime verse

my squire and I encountered

in a distant castle of this realm?

Which of these swains, Lucinda, do you love?

My sword demands the truth!

I love Carl.

What?

You have a hell of a way of showing it.

You just disappeared!

Is this who you left me for?

What? I just met her.

I left you for nobody.

It was all Ferdi's idea.

Uh, no, I, I said...

You said it was a test.

You thought I needed a test?

Well, apparently, you did.

You told me you'd kill yourself

before you slept with someone else.

Well? Why didn't you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Poet, when you see her now, do you truly wish her dead?

- Do you? - No.

Death is a easy peace.

She chose instead to live, to torture herself daily

with the knowledge of your unfaithfulness

and her own.

Besides, there is a true villain in this tale.

And he must be punished.

No!

Ah, broken and shamed, yet still she cries out.

Such is love.

Poet, your failure was

that you ran from your enemy rather than toward him

and, thus, you could never be satisfied.

This we must remedy.

You, sir, are indeed a villain.

However, by sacrificing Lucinda to her true love,

by honoring your promise to this lady,

And by allowing the poet to exact his revenge,

you may yet be redeemed.

- Revenge? - Poet!

Hey!

Exact your revenge from the very loins

this scoundrel used

to betray the honor of your love.

Not the loins. Not the loins!

Yes!

Justice is done.

♪ Baby, baby Let's get together ♪

♪ Honey, honey me and you ♪

♪ And do the things Oh, do the things ♪

♪ That we like to do ♪

♪ Oh, do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Baby, babe ♪

♪ I meet you ♪

♪ Same place, same time ♪

♪ Where we can Oh, get together ♪

♪ And ease up our mind ♪

♪ Oh, do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Do a little dance ♪

♪ Make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight ♪

♪ Get down tonight, baby ♪

Cops!

What the hell do they want?

- Unhand me! - Get him outta here!

- Come, follow me! - I flee from no man!

Those are cops, we got to go!

I could easily defeat a hundred such...

petty functionaries!

- We got to go! - Unhand me,

you scoundrels. I said unhand me!

Move!

Uncle Danny, listen to me.

You, you are not a knight!

You're not Don Quixote, you're not...

Your name is Danny Kehoe.

And you are a lying hag!

They're gonna lock you up. Uncle Danny, please!

I am Don... Stop, stop, stop.

I can settle this. I can settle this.

Uh, Your Grace, Your Grace, I have a question.

I have a question to ask, okay?

Do you have to pee?

In all the stories you've read about knights,

does anyone ever have to take a piss?

If you have to pee...

you're not a knight!

Wait, stop!

Oh!

Please, please, please!

Civilized men will not sit idly by

while one person puts their desires

above the community's

and threatens their comfort and safety.

Now, where is he?

Crap. Crap.

Don't shoot him!

Okay.

♪ I'm chained to the wall ♪

♪ I'm nothing at all ♪

♪ And my eyes Look into the sunset ♪

♪ Thinking Of better things to do ♪

♪ Like a monkey in a zoo ♪

♪ The days go so slow ♪

♪ And I don't have no friends ♪

♪ Except all these people ♪

♪ Who want me to do Tricks for them ♪

♪ Like a monkey ♪

♪ In a zoo ♪

♪ And it could happen to you ♪

Hey, Sancho!

- Look up, dude? - Sancho!

Gotta post ya! We'll see you real soon!

♪ No, it wasn't always Like this ♪

♪ Oh, but I never saw It coming ♪

♪ I'm so alone ♪

♪ This is my home ♪

These first two, you should start right now,

it's the antipsychotic...

and a sedative.

The other one you were already taking

in the hospital. It's, um...

for depression.

Remember, you have to take these, okay?

It's part of the deal for getting the charges reduced.

You understand?

Uncle Danny?

Thank you.

And so, the great knight...

quietly died.

No. This is no way to end this story.

No, Kevin. No.

- Milord! - No.

No, Kevin. Get out!

I am a humble squire,

seeking a knight-errant to serve,

and I won't settle for nothing less

than the greatest of all time,

the great Don Quixote.

Don Quixote is gone.

No, he's not.

What the hell?

Driving to work, and, um...

You know, I look over and...

And out of the woods comes a guy...

butt naked, just...

♪ Butt naked, butt, butt... ♪

Somebody made this.

- Funny guy. - See that?

- Funny guy. - We did all of this.

You and me.

♪ Butt, butt naked ♪

♪ Butt naked ♪ - ♪ Funny guy ♪

♪ Butt, butt naked ♪

We love you, Donky Keyhote.

♪ Love, love, love ♪

- Behold! - Donky Keyhote.

- ♪ Love, love, love ♪ - ♪ Funny guy ♪

♪ Donky Keyhote ♪

Oh, yeah.

And that, but still.

♪ And I will survive Like I'm singing karaoke ♪

♪ Don Quixote ♪

♪ Don Quixote ♪

♪ Don Quixote, Don Quixote ♪

♪ Don Quixote... ♪

See, boss?

One million, two hundred fifty-six thousand views!

You're famous just like you said you'd be!

Uncle Danny, this is just our neighbor, Kevin.

My name is Sancho.

Come on, man. You can't just be amazing one day,

and then go back to just sitting around and...

What... what is that?

Medicine.

Why? Why would you give that to him?

I'm trying to save his life!

Yeah?

So was I.

Blasphemers...

Hideous, vile...

- blasphemers. - Don Quixote.

Besmirching the name of the peerless lady.

Dulce de Leche of Tabasco!

I reject thee vile toxins.

Oh!

Yes!

Gentle nurse,

the care you have given me in my illness

has been tireless and sweet

and clearly born of love.

You have my gratitude, eternally.

- Sancho. - Yeah, yeah.

Wait!

Milord? I hope you will return to this castle

each evening for...

uh, feasting and the rest you assuredly deserve.

Gramercy.

Sancho.

I believe the reason a knight-errant needs a squire

is because the world is simply too mad to face alone.

I thank you, my friend.

Of course, boss.

Dapple!

How did you get her back?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god. It's Sancho.

It's Don Quixote!

Don Quixote, I love you!

- See, I told you. - Can I take a photo?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

Oh! I love you. Bye!

Yes, Sancho. My fame is indeed great.

Yeah, mine is too.

But Sancho,

we must now embark upon our greatest adventure

and find the maker of those lies and blasphemies against my lady.

That cur...

will beg her forgiveness

or suffer the wrath of my blade.

Yes!

Yeah. Let's go.

And that is the true tale

of the Ingenious Gentleman,

Don Quixote of La Mancha,

who arrives in times of darkness to bring hope to the people.

For a great story, before it can be told,

must be lived.

♪ Blow on that bugle ♪

♪ And call the brigade ♪

♪ No second guessing ♪

♪ The plans have been laid ♪

♪ On with my boots ♪

♪ And off of my bottom ♪

♪ Light 'em and smoke 'em ♪

♪ As long as I got 'em ♪

♪ I fell out of bed ♪

♪ And went heels over head ♪

♪ Babies, I'm living the dream ♪

♪ Head in your helmet ♪

♪ Sew your vest too ♪

♪ Put the kettle of medals ♪

♪ And a hundred balloons ♪

♪ Fast on your feet ♪

♪ You stand at the ready ♪

♪ To fire your blunderbuss ♪

♪ Throw your confetti ♪

♪ Rise from your chair ♪

♪ And go any ol' where ♪

♪ Baby, you're living The dream ♪

♪ Blow on that bugle ♪

♪ Call the brigade ♪

♪ No second guessing ♪

♪ The plans have been laid ♪

♪ Over horizons How glory she beckons ♪

♪ We stand in our stirrups ♪

♪ We nod to our seconds ♪

♪ We fell out of bed ♪

♪ And went heels over head ♪

♪ Babies We're living the dream ♪

♪ We fell out of bed ♪

♪ And went heels over head ♪

♪ Babies, we're living ♪

♪ The days we are given ♪

♪ Babies We're living the dream ♪