Original subtitles

[grunts in effort]

-[scream] -[growls]

* *

-Hey, is it just me

or does the tree house look... shorter?

EEP: Actually, it does.

-I wonder why. -Don't look at me.

Or maybe do.

My magic is a mystery, even to me.

-ALL: Hm... -You wanna know why?!

I'll tell you why. With a story!

-No!

Wait, actually, I do wanna hear this story.

-Good! Now, let me tell you what happened

right after Fun Flam Farm Floop...

Ah, whatever!

* Let's live wild, the world's our own *

* We built this wheel now it's gunna roll *

* You know a spark becomes a fire wherever we go *

* Whoa-ho-ho *

* Stuck together, stuck, stuck together *

* It's an evolution for worse or for better *

* To find some unity *

* For all humanity *

* Because we're stuck together *

* In one big family tree *

* *

-After you kids left to find Chunky,

your parents had the farm all to themselves.

-Isn't this nice? With the kids gone,

I finally have some free time, which equals me time.

-Yeah. Now, I can run the obstacle course

without Sandy destroying all the targets before I can.

-And I can go to the warm springs!

Because I want to, and I deserve it.

-[cracks knuckles] -We can do whatever we want.

-Ah! Except eat breakfast, I guess.

-What's the problem? -Phil...

-I agree. Phil's the problem. Ah!

-We're waiting because it's not polite to eat

until everyone is seated.

This is my only opportunity

to have a civilized adult meal.

So you're just going to have to wait.

-[panting] The wait is over!

-Finally!

-That's right. My latest

and greatest invention is complete!

-Whoa! -Now, follow me!

-Ah! I'll save you, breakfast!

[screams]

GRAN: And that was the end of Grug.

I wish!

It was actually the beginning

of another Phil fail.

Or "Philure."

-You invented a chair?

-It's not just a chair.

It's the Betterman Muscle Massager!

-Did you say "massage"? -Indeed!

Now, relax, my dear,

and wave goodbye...

-to your back bothers. -[shuddering]

-[chair rattling] -Well, Hope? What do you think?

-[voice vibrating]: Sorry, I can't hear you

over all this relaxing.

-[cranks lever] -[normal voice]: Ah.

Wow, Phil.

You really are a genius.

-No, I'm the genius! Ugga?

-Care to partake? -Heh. Why not?

-[crank, rattling] -[voice vibrating]: Mm-- Oh!

Phil, I take back everything bad

I've ever said about you.

This ah-mazing.

-Of course, it is.

For I am the greatest inventor

[echoing]: who has ever lived!

[normal voice]: Before Phil, or BP as I'm calling it,

there was only darkness.

A vast intellectual void

populated by drooling cave-dwelling simpletons!

-[crank] -And... you ruined it.

-Let's see if it can uncoil these springs.

I'm wound pretty tight.

-[crank, rattling] -[shuddering]

-What do you think?

-[voice vibrating]: What do I think of what?

-Is it on? -[sighs] Yes, it's on.

But you probably can't feel the medicinal vibrations

through your thick rhimotherous-like hide. I'll turn it up.

-[grunts] -[crank, rattling]

-[voice vibrating]: Still not feeling it.

And can this thing lean back?

-It's a chair, not a bed!

Besides, a chair that reclines is impossible.

-[straining, yelping]

-[cracking] -Do you feel that?

-[voice vibrating]: Feel what? Maybe it's broken.

-Grug, no! You're going to break it!

-[voice vibrating]: Sorry, Phil!

I guess you're bad at chairs!

-Hm? -[gasps] -[cracking]

-[rattling stops] -[normal voice]: Pfft. Total bust.

-[all screaming]

[crash]

-[coughing] Is everyone okay?

-[coughing] More importantly,

is the Betterman Muscle Massager okay?

-[grunts] "Okay" might be a stretch.

-My boy! My beautiful boy!

[sobbing]

-Phil, is this another one of your hidden caves?

-This isn't mycave.

-It's somebody's cave!

Or it was.

* *

-Based on the acidity of the ash,

I estimate this fire burned

over a thousand moons ago.

-Mm! I'll take some of that ash action.

-And to think, this rudimentary refuge rests

just below the tree house. My temple of progress.

-Hey, Ugga! Doesn't this remind you of the fire pit

-we had in our cave? -Yeah!

Only this one's way nicer.

-Ugh, can you imagine how difficult and miserable

life must have been for these poor,

primitive cave people?

-First, ease up on the cave-bashing.

And second, they must not have been thatprimitive.

They had a chair just like Phil's.

PHIL: Huh...

Hm...

Hm again.

Third and final hm.

This chair is nothing like mine.

It may appear similar,

but the notion these below-ground barbarians

engineered a massage chair

eons before I did is preposterous!

Nay, laughable.

Ha, ha, ha! See?

-[crank, rattling] -[vibrating sigh]

-[vibrating voice]: You're right, Phil!

This chair is nothing like yours

'cause it works!

[sighs]

-[crank] -Oh! It reclines!

Ugga! You gotta try this!

It's sitting, but better!

-[voice vibrating]: Oh! It's like my back's being pummeled

by a thousand tiny punch monkeys,

but in a good way.

-Ah! Guess you're not

the greatest inventor who ever lived, Phil,

'cause thiswas made by cave people!

-I'll never let you go, massage chair.

-Massage chair that reclines!

Phil said only beds do that, but he was wrong!

-[growls] -So, they built a chair

that massages and reclines. Big whoop.

-Well, that's enough subterranean slumming for one day.

If anyone needs me, I'll be above ground,

like a civilized human being.

[struggling]

As soon as someone gives me a boost.

-What are you doing?

-What does it look like I'm doing?!

-Swinging angrily.

Phil, it's justa chair.

-Oh, yes. The chair. [scoffs]

Truth is, I'd forgotten all about it.

-Really? -No!

Why do you think I'm swinging angrily?

-So, some old cave person had one good idea.

You've had so many good ideas.

-Like what? And spare no detail.

-I'll do you one better. -Hm?

-I kinda wrote you a little song.

* Because of you and your machine*

* Our fresh eggs are collected *

* And Betterman Security *

* Helps keep our farm protected *

* Thanks to the pipes and taps you built*

* At home, the water gushes *

* Your outhouse offers us relief *

* With just a few good flushes *

* So Phil, my dear, now can't you see *

* Your worth as a creator? *

* I even saved the best for last *

* Your tree house... *

* Elevator! *

-[goat-like scream]

-Yes! Your song is almost as brilliant as I am, my dear!

-[rumbling] -Hm?

-Hey, Phil!

Look who built an elevator before you did?

Cave people, that's who!

[grunts]

-[dejected sigh] -So, they invented an elevator, too.

It happens. But they definitely don't have indoor water.

- And they have indoor water!

-Cold and hot.

Ah! Hot! [panting]

-I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

-You okay, Phil? -Why wouldn't I be?!

Just because my greatest achievements were already achieved

by some ancient cave cretins?

Which means I'm not the greatest inventor

who ever lived? [crying]

-You're forgetting two important things.

One, you're Phil Betterman. And two, you're still alive.

-Which means Phil Betterman

can still be the greatest inventor who ever lived!

Thank you, Hope,

for being the fire to my forest!

-[panting] -Yeah, not sure that'sa good thing.

PHIL: Since I was a boy,

I dreamt one day, my ingenuity

would be put to the test, Philliam.

And that day has finally arrived,

which means it's time to consult

the Betterman Book of Brilliance,

a collection of the greatest ideas

thismind has ever conceived,

hidden away from prying eyes.

Our journey will be long. And hard.

But the juice will most certainly be

worth the squeeze!

GRAN: So, Phil went to find his doodle book.

-[grunts] Ow!

GRAN: And he brought that stick he talks to 'cause he's Phil.

-Ow!

* *

[screaming, grunting]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[screaming, grunting]

[straining]

-Well, Philliam, we made it.

And now, a date with destiny.

[grunts] Behold.

The Betterman Book of-- [gasps]

It's gone!

Some knowledge bandit

has absconded with my-- Hm...

* *

That's right. I left it on my desk. [sighs]

Ah, yes, Philliam. The hammock!

One of my earliest triumphs.

Snoozing was never the same.

The sandal! A revolution in footwear!

Only to be bested by my next brainchild.

The other sandal!

No longer would feet have to share!

But these are relics.

Souvenirs of a time gone by.

And I need something new. Something exciting!

Something like this!

* *

-You've done it again, Phil. -Correct.

And when I reveal it to those cave crawlers Grug and Ugga,

they'll be forced to recognize me as the GOAT!

-You wanna be called "Goat"?

I mean, you probably just have to ask.

-No, the G-O-A-T: Greatest Of All Time.

Because I am.

-Okay... But can't we take the cave elevator,

or do you have to climb down because you're a goat?

-I'm not a goat! Forget goats.

And I won't endanger my life in that death trap.

Now, hold my stroke of genius

while I precariously lower myself

into this very deep hole.

-[vine snaps] -[screaming]

-[crash] -[groans]

-[rattling] -[happy shuddering]

-Ah, hot!

Aw, hey, Phil.

Back to admit you got cave crushed?

-We're not here to grovel! Or relax.

We're here to astonish.

Behold the Betterman Bright Beam!

I've used crystal to focus and intensify light itself.

Darkness is no match for this marvel.

It's the single greatest invention

this world has ever seen!

-Not bad, but we already have something just like that.

-Except better. -You lie!

-Ta-da! Let there be light beam.

And check this out! When I want dark, boop!

I can turn it off! See?

-[Hope groans] -On. Off.

-[both groan] -On. Off. On. Off. On. O--

Ooh! Check this out. Ugga?

Hello, Phil! Remember when you found out

cave people are smarter than you?

-[imitating Phil]: Yes, Grug, because that was today, you chickenseal!

-[normal voice]: Hey! I'm not a chickenseal! I'm a man!

[grunting, screaming]

-Okay... Well,

this was fun. Right, Phil?

-This... isn't... over!

I... shall... prevail!

-So, Phil went crawling back to his lab cave.

-Nice. Enjoying the story, Gran,

'cause it didn't just happen to us like the last one.

-Not that I expect an answer,

but what does any of this have to do with the tree house?

-Keep your shirt on, no-shirt! I'm gettin' there!

Phil pulled out his book

of doodads and doodlybops or whatever

to find inspiration for his next greatest thingamajig.

-Worried about becoming a bearacuda's lunch?

-Now, you can escape ravenous predators at top speed!

Behold, the Betterman Wheeled Wonder!

-That's great. If you're alone.

-But us cave people know it's safer to travel in pairs.

[Ugga and Grug laughing]

-That's a great idea!

Why didn't you think of that, Phil?

-[growls, shouts]

- Ugga, you know we love Gran, right?

-No. Curious to see where this is going, though.

-But her tooth hygiene is,

let's face it, sub-par.

-[deep laughter]

-Fair point. And I'm still on board for this journey.

-Well, now you can keep your pearly chompers past childhood.

Thanks to... the Betterman Tooth Tickler!

-[muffled]: Just brush twice a day to stop tooth decay!

-Well, down in the cave, we say why brush

when you can buzz?

-[buzzing] -[aggressively brushing]

-Ah! My eyes!

-[Hope straining]

-You've really outdone yourself, Phil!

This is your greatest [grunts] creation yet!

PHIL: This will secure my legacy as a trailblazer of technology!

-[loud thud] -Uh-huh!

Can you please tell me again

why we didn't just use the elevator?

-As previously stated, I don't trust that primitive gewgaw

to deliver this beacon of progress.

-I hate to break it to you, Phil,

and I'm pretty sure boxes have already been invented.

-This is no mere box!

Behold! The Betterman Cooling Cabinet!

A container that keeps its contents cool,

thus eliminating food spoilage.

And if thisdoesn't convince you I'm the greatest inventor,

nothing will!

-Can you just say he is,

so we can all move on with our lives

and I can go to the warm springs?

-I wish I could, Hope. Actually, I don't, 'cause Phil.

And I can't 'cause we've got one of those, too.

-What? Impossible!

-Where do you think I got this ice from?

-It makes ice? Here?

-[clattering] -On its own?

-Sure. Yours doesn't?

-Face it, Phil. All the stuff you think you invented

was already invented a long time ago.

By cave people. Mypeople!

Which means I pretty much invented everything down here.

Which means I'm a better inventioner than you!

Which means I'm the greatest inventioner ever!

-Uh, Grug. I don't think that's a word. Or how it works.

-Sure, it is because I just inventionered it.

-No. This can't be!

It's like the world is upside down.

Empty is full! Failure is success!

Throw-go-nut is no-go-nut! Why?

-Why?! -Maybe you should lie down.

-Or try out the cave bubble tub.

It's like warm springs only better.

-Warm springs? Only better? Where?

-Right over... there. -There, there, Phil.

You just feel bad because you're a failure.

But I know exactly what you need to feel better.

-Massage chair! -[Phil grunts]

[crank, rattling]

-[voice vibrating]: No...

My back never felt better!

-Mm... -You're welcome!

-[breeze blowing] -Betterment Book of Brilliance?

Ugh, more like Betterman Book of... uh...

Ah, I can't even insult my own work properly!

Well, I guess the only thing left to do

is burn this carcass of unremarkable contrivances.

[grunting]

Philliam. Do you know what this is?

What? No.

My chili recipe's in the Betterman Book of Beef.

That's where I keep my meat recipes

and a list of grievances. No.

Thisis far more important.

Thisis my salvation!

[echoing maniacal laughter]

[wheezing]

-[water flowing, bubbling] -Hm... Ah...

-I'm just glad to see you finally embracing caves.

-If you can't beat 'em,

take advantage of their sweet hot tub.

-Hot tub! That's a good name.

I could see that sticking.

Feel bad for Phil, though.

Must be hard to be upstaged by an ancient civilization.

Especially 'cause it's in his own backyard.

-Or under it. Ouch. -I'm not worried about Phil

'cause I never worry about Phil!

-I'm sure he'll be fine. -Of course!

I mean, Phil has gone to dark places before,

but he's always crawled out.

[Phil grunting]

[clang]

-It's like they say, Philliam.

If you can't beat them, dig a tunnel around their cave,

plant a series of explosive devices, and destroy it.

* *

-[grunting] Uh... -[clank, crumbling]

[coughing]

What?

Preexisting network of tunnels? Gah!

Why can't I be first at doing anything?!

GRUG: Whoa. Check this out!

It's like Glowshine Lake,

but in a cave, so it's way better!

UGGA: You know, I could really see myself living in this cave.

-I could see myself dying in here

'cause I never wanna leave.

-I could never say this in front of Phil,

but this cave really does have everything you could ever need.

-And soon, it will have a pile of rocks

where everything used to be.

That's it, Philliam. We've rigged

all the tunnels for destruction!

Now, the hard part. Extricating those tunnel traitors.

[straining]

Actually, turning around in this tunnel seems to be the hard part.

[grunting]

[straining] Oh! At last. [gasps]

Hm. I don't recall a giant fan being there.

Must have gotten my vines crossed.

-[water bubbling] -Yep, the cave is pretty great.

But the truth is, I love the tree house.

And this is still a cave. A hot, musty cave.

I think I'm gonna go get some fresh air.

-Is thisfresh enough for you? [grunts]

-[whirring] -[Phil gasps]

-That's not good.

[grunting, straining]

[wheezing]: And that's even worse.

-I'm not feeling any air, Grug!

-Huh, I don't get it. It was working earlier.

Maybe I just need to pull this lever a bunch of times.

[grunting]

[air blasting]

-Hold on, Philliam!

The winds of change are upon us!

-[wind blasting] -[screaming]

-[grunting] -[cranking]

-Grug! It's obviously broken.

-Ah, but maybe I'll fix it

by pulling the lever way too many times.

-[grunting] -[cranking]

-Well, I've had enough cave for one day.

I'm gonna go check on Phil.

-[Phil screaming] -Phil?

-[crashing, thudding] -[Phil screaming, grunting]

-Phil! -[wind blowing]

-Ah. Fresh, cool air. Told you I'd fix it.

-Why were you in the wall? And what is that?

-Phil, I know you're trying to prove

you're the greatest inventor of all time,

but the stick of sounds has already been invented.

-[stick belches] -Ha, ha, ha! Best thing ever!

-This isn't a stick of sounds! It's a detonator!

And when I push this button,

the cocobooms I've planted will explode,

destroying this cave and everything in it!

-[click, goat-like scream] -[laughs] Gets me every time!

Wait, did you just say you were gonna blow up the cave?

-And everything in it!

-So, say your goodbyes and-- -HOPE: Not the hot tub, Phil!

Not on my watch.

-Give me the detonator, Hope!

-I don't have it!

-Now, Ugga, be reasonable...

-Said the guy who's about to blow up the cave

because he's jealous! And I don't have it either.

PHIL: Grug!

[deliberate]: You're going to give me that

because my voice

is molding your mind.

-Sure. Here you go. -Grug!

-I mean, no way!

You'll never get this from me, even if you talk to me!

[grunts]

-Hm?

Ha! Thank you, Grug.

-[disappointed sighs] -Now,

what was I doing before all this commotion?

Ah, yes. Blowing up the cave!

-Which means it's time to go. Everyone out. -[Hope sighs]

-Wait! Phil! Look!

I think these are the people who lived in this cave.

-And why would I want to look at that?

-Because they look exactly like you, Phil.

-Yeah. [shudders]

* *

[Grug continues shuddering]

-Do you know what this means?

-Yeah! These cave people were uuug-ly!

-No, you grunt geyser.

It means the people who lived in this cave were Bettermans!

Which means those inventions

are actually mine!

-Not sure that's how it works, Phil.

-I don't know why I'm surprised.

It makes perfect sense

I'd be the descendant of brilliance.

Genius is a dominant trait, after all.

And to think I was going to destroy

this monument to human ful-Phil-ment!

Spelled with my name, of course.

-Yeah! Like this stick that makes funny noises.

-[click, distant explosion] -Ah, it's broken.

-[gasps] -[click, airhorn blows]

-It's not broken because

it's not the stick of sounds! It's the detonator!

[crumbling]

Run!

[all panting, yelling]

[screaming]

[rumbling]

[screaming]

[slow motion screaming]

[normal screaming]

[all groaning]

[gasps]

-Phil! You blew up the cave!

-Technically, Grug did,

but now's not the time to point fingers

because it's possible the cave might still be--

-[all scream] -[crumbling]

-Bye-bye, massage chair.

-So long, ice machine.

-Farewell, hot tub.

You were the warm springs of my heart.

-Aw...

-Phil, I'm really sorry your ancestral cave is gone.

-Even though it's all your fault.

-The good news is the tree house is still standing tall.

-[rumbling] -Hm?

[loud crash]

Okay. Well, still standing.

[deep growling]

[nervous laugh]

-And that'swhat happened to the tree house.

-Hmm... -Wow.

Now, that'sa story!

-Hang on, Gran. You weren't with us when we went to get Chunky.

-And you weren't here when we discovered that cave.

-Yeah. So, how do you know these stories?

[guffawing]

[giggles]

[giggling]

[screaming]

[laughing]

-Good questions.

And the answers you seek can be found...

in another story!

-Many moons ago... -GUY: No--

* *

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