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More, more, more...

A bit lower, lower...

That's enough!

- Lower the southern line. - Yes, sir.

Quickly, line them up here.

There must be some life in this housing estate.

This is Pike here, this is Pike.

We're pulling the net. You may start now.

THE TEDD Y BEAR

Starring

Holy smoke!

What's up?

Nothing, chief. Only his eye fell off.

Two bears, please. The red one and this in the red cap.

Can't you see I'm eating?

Written by

Directed by

Sorry to disturb you.

You're not disturbing me.

- Is the bear already packed? - Yes.

- How many did you put inside? - As usual.

I was going this way yesterday, and these houses weren't here.

Oh, really?

If an old lady was crossing the street to get to the old people's home,

and this home hadn't been here yesterday, but it was here today,

would you run over this poor old lady?

it could be your own mother!

How can I run over my own mother,

if she is sitting in the car?

This is Birch here. This is Birch. I can't hear you well.

He said that his mother is sitting in the car.

His mother is sitting in the car, that's what he said!

Calm down and don't panic. He's just another sly dog.

He's driving his mother to mix us up.

This shows that life always has new challenges for us.

This is the first.

Secondly, we must always have different options ready.

That's why I suggest the following option:

'What if there was a kindergarten here in the future?'

What if there was a kindergarten here in the future...

And your kid would be crossing the street...

in the future...

What if suddenly there was a kindergarten here!

And your kid would be crossing the street here... in the future...

The kid who you don't have yet,

so don't tell me he's sitting in the car!

You are going to the capital of a capitalist country.

This country may have its advantages.

The point is, however,

that the advantages shouldn't blind you to the disadvantages.

Now like always: gentleman on the right, ladies on the left.

So crowded here!

So, what is a built-up area?

A built-up area consists of minimum 3 buildings

standing not more than 15 meters from one another.

This is all true what you're saying.

But it's only 14 meters here. You can measure it yourself

if you don't believe the militia.

But he believes in everything, officer!

He is a real schmuck.

There should be three, not two.

Unless this one over there we should call a house, too.

115 kilos?

There should be 119.

- There are 4 kilos missing. - I've lost 4 kilos.

So you are bringing 4 kilos of the citizen less.

What if everybody was returning a few kilos slimmer?

- There would be fewer and fewer of us! - Of the Poles.

So what should I do?

60 zloty for each missing kilo. Do you have any education?

- University education. - 75 zloty per kilo then.

Each kilo of a university educated citizen - a special value for the nation.

Here are the passports.

- Citizen Ryszard Ochucki? - That's me.

Follow me, please.

What is...? Who did it?

- I... - You?

I am asking 'who'?

- I'm asking! - But I...

What's this?

A passport.

A passport?

It used to be a passport!

Bring me my suitcase! You are going without me.

Coach, now you are responsible for everything.

- What happened? - Nothing. All's fine.

Call the Cabinet and tell them I'm coming.

- He's been refused to leave the country?

They want him to be a minister. They called yesterday.

- How do you know? - Because l answered the phone.

He wasn't here. They were probably talking him

into becoming a minister.

It would be foolish of him to become a minister.

Is this a bad place for him here? Where would he be better off?

For Marciniak he took the money, too.

But Marciniak complained that he ripped him off.

He didn't rip him off, because Marciniak

He got 300,000 zloty and an apartment. He deserves nothing more.

The president still owes me 500 zloty!

Don't you think he doesn't owe us for this glass he broke the other day?

I tell him that a glass costs 4 zloty, and he says: " OK, OK'.

And he hasn't paid till today!

- Bear! - He's a pig, not a bear!

He doesn't have 500 zloty for me but he wipes his ass with $100 bills!

I just wanted to say that our president...

keeps the books... very well.

If it happens that...

for example... he owes somebody some money... he gives it back right away.

He never owes me any money. He really looks after these things.

He runs the club very well...

Good morning, honey.

I've popped in just to pick up my furniture.

- I hope I'm not disturbing you. - No...

Let me show you...

- Anything to drink? - No, thanks.

But I'd love something, if you don't mind.

C'mon! Gentlemen, be careful!

Just the two of us won't move it.

But... there are three of you.

You remember Wladek, don't you?.

I'm really sorry. Really sorry.

Please, mister minister, have a sit.

Cut it out with this minister. lf belongs to the past.

- What's your name? - Rysio... Ryszard.

All Ryszards are good guys!

Shame you two broke up.

But, on the other hand...

This Picasso...

This Rembrandt...

- And this Buddha. - Hold on, hold on! What Buddha?

This Picasso I'd like in our bedroom,

and the Buddha we'd put in your office.

- But wait a minute. - I really like you, man.

You must pay us a visit one day. But give us a call before.

Just to make sure you'll find us at home.

Oh, this is also very nice!

How did you know I would be home?

You knew I was supposed to go abroad.

We were passing by and we just popped in.

You were passing by with the porters?

Yes... We were passing by with the porters. I really like you, man.

- The gentleman is saying that... - That we can use our account together.

I am asking " who'! I'm asking!

What is this?

Mister, mister!

I'd like to withdraw all the money from our account.

Certainly.

" Hey, one day the sadness will overcome the fear.

Maybe in thirty years, on this sand there will be a long,

straight and as wide as the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska'.

I don't get it.

Why " maybe'?

Well... it's " maybe' because he doesn't know about it yet.

What do you mean he doesn't know?

Picture this...

He's a young man, still a boy, OK?

On the banks of the Vistula... His friends are working there, too.

- You can see it now, can't you? - Now I can.

And he begins to see it, too.

I mean this Trasa Lazienkowska.

He can see it in his dreams, my friend.

Here I would start from G sharp.

From G sharp??

And instead of " maybe' we'll have " surely'. Ready?

" Hey, one day the sadness will overcome the fear.

Surely in thirty years, on this sand there will be a long,

straight and as wide as the sea - Trasa Lazienkowska!'

- Excellent! - You've done very well!

For you guys, I always do my best!

You see?

- I told you. - You convinced me. Hold it, please.

Come in.

Hope, I'm not disturbing you.

Hi, Rysiu. What's up?

- I already thought you wouldn't come. - Why wouldn't I?

I couldn't get off at the Central station,

What to do?

What can we do!

A year. At least a year.

It's a problem...

That's right. It's...

... a year.

Women are terrible after all.

She just tore it out...

- But what could we do for him? - Nothing.

But you know what? l've got an idea!

Listen!

In order to keep you close to me,

I don't have to tear out any leaves from your passport.

" In order to keep you close to me.

I don't have to tear out any leaves from your passport!'

You heard it yourself?

He said his aunt would came from London

- and she would bring the money. - He was lying.

He also lied in this passport application you saw at his place.

He wrote he has no relatives abroad.

But he has an aunt in London, and this is abroad.

He's got money on the account in London and not an aunt.

He tells me to call him and I have to listen to this crap he's talking.

Every time he's surprised that this aunt calls him.

This is all bullshit, I'm telling you.

This man didn't say a word of truth in his life.

And what's this?! You said it would take you three days to take it apart.

It will be taken apart. Once we've finished our breakfast.

You should eat your breakfast at home. The scenery must be done fast!

- And who's this? - The production manager.

He's showing off, because he's with a women.

Drink up, and let's get down to business.

This is our star. Ola, please, introduce yourself.

- I'm Alexandra Kozak. - Ryszard Ochucki.

Pleased to meet you.

What's up, Rysiu?

All right.

Ola, please go and see what's for dinner in the canteen.

- She's a very good girl. - Oh, I'm sorry!

I'd really like her to become somebody. What brings you here?

Janek, you know very well how it was. There was a war.

Five years of war, five years of occupation.

I've made 28 films about it, and now I'm making the 29th.

So you know from the films, how it was. It was hard.

And before the war? During the " sanacja' regime?

I've made 18 films about it. Who is this brother?

- Where is he? - Nowhere.

He exists only for my aunt.

She's 79, very rich, lives in London. Is that enough for you?

My parents sent her a picture. A bit exaggerated, though.

There were two of me in this picture,

to convince her that my parents had twins.

She sent 100 pounds for the both of us.

It doesn't make any difference to her.

But to us... l think l don't have to tell you this.

It was a hard time for us.

- My father... - Stop it or I'll go nuts.

It was hard in I 8 films. What do you want from me?

My aunt is coming to Poland in a week.

It's her first time after 50 years.

She must see two twin brothers and that's why I'm here.

Janek, all she will bring for my brother is yours, OK?

How do I know how much she's going to bring for your brother?

Janek, have I ever cheated you?

Let's say you would have a small part in my film.

Then you'd get sick.

This would give us the reason to look for your double.

So, what do you say?

Take 5 zloty for the telephone. I don't want to hear again

that you didn't call me because you ran out of money.

Ok. I'm going to talk to you?

First a lady will answer the phone, when I come you will start...

- As usual? - Yes, as usual.

Just don't be late, as usual. Call me after the 3rd change of lights.

- Don't lose this paper. Get lost! - I'll do my best.

He's coming again. It's his bladder. I know how it hurts.

No. I just wanna avoid having to piss later.

Today I have to stand at this damn phone booth again.

This is the some phone booth that we used to have in the club.

And people could make calls.

And this pig took it and put it in front of his house.

Who are you going to be today? His aunt again?

I guess so. l will be calling from London.

OUT OF ORDER

- Do you want anything to eat, honey? - Yes. You!

You know? I don't know how it's possible...

but I love you very much.

What do you mean?

I don't know...

- I just love you. - I understand...

This phone is out of order.

There was even a sign but a hooligan took it off.

You always put on the pink light when you kiss me.

- Why? - Just for the atmosphere.

For example, when I think I put on the blue one.

Don't you like me anymore, honey?

What I don't like most is doing business with assholes!

What assholes?

Take it. I'm out.

There's an international call for you from London.

Don't hang up!

It's for you, honey! From London!

From London?

Find a cigarette for me. Hello?

I'm very sorry to call you so late.

But the booth was out of order and I had to look for another telephone.

I'm calling from the drugstore.

Now I'm going to count as you told me to.

One, two, three, four...

Hello Roman, how are you?

It's Polanski.

What? To London?

Eighty two, eighty three, eighty four...

- Excuse me. - What?!

I've already counted. There are 121 people standing in the line.

Wait, wait, wait! I'll write it down.

88, 89, 121 , 121 .

OK, all right!

Ok, I'll see you soon.

Was it this Polanski? The film director?

They all must have gone mad! They want me be like Mel Gibson.

Janek persuaded me to play in the film, Roman wants me in London...

And I'm not good for that. They must be mad!

He also wants me to find him an actress...

- What actress? - A partner for me in the film.

I'm going to be a Pole with a Polish wife in London...

I must ask Janek to help me. He's an expert when it comes to actresses.

Honey! You can't do it, honey!

You know how jealous he is. He wouldn't let me go with you.

I love you.

I love you, too. Very much, you know?

You should have left one for us.

What for?

Shove it in.

- Is the hare ready? - Ready!

What's this?

The huntsmen.

The children from the living quarters for the hunt.

- It's a good idea. - Yes, it's a good idea.

Give them some pants, take their shoes off and shave them.

I agreed to be a forester with a moustache.

I won't let you shave my beard.

I've had it since before the war.

We'll put some rags around the children's

There were no dentists in those days. This is the best!

And what's this?

It's mister Hoffander's friend.

- Our suggestion for the squire. - I'm Ochucki.

- What is he wearing? - It can be taken off.

It's a very good idea.

Why is he wearing the Prussian uniform?

Because he's the Prussian squire.

It's written in the screenplay: the Prussian squire comes in.

It's Prussian, because his name is Prussian! Wawrzyniec Prussian!

The Polish squire.

I can put something around here.

Take it off! It's a disgrace!

It's a political calumny for the whole crew!

Calm down! He's the " sanacja' regime squire.

Remember who they were friends with in those days.

- Huntsmen ready? - Ready!

- Hare ready? - Ready!

- Camera. - Go!

The Last Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent 701 .

- And what now? - We'll have to repeat.

Repeat what, you schmuck?!

It's a cat! it'll always climb the tree!

We could cut the tree down. This is my idea.

Here only I can have ideas!

We can look at everything in a completely different way.

There is the truth of the times we are talking about,

and the truth of the screen, which says:

a proto-Slavic pear tree is a shelter for a plebeian runaway.

Get me a hare on the pear tree!

No, wait! Get me a dog!

I want him to bark at his persecutors from the manor-house.

I don't want him to meow!

Can I have some birch water?

- The usual papers, please. - Sure.

Pork loin.

300. I'll have a speleological guide the day after tomorrow.

- Speleo... guide? What's this? - Liver.

- Thank you, bye. - Bye.

You will stay as a witness.

Put her here.

The door!

- Are you the shop assistant here? - Why?

You sold this shampoo, didn't you?

- I asked you a question! - l'm not the Holy Spirit.

How dare you!

A regenerative shampoo!

The mother.

30 years of marriage. My wife.

That's all I have left!

Only this!

- This is what I have left! - Calm down, Kaziu.

Get out of here! All of you!

You can't throw hair about here! It's not a unisex hair salon!

It's a kiosk! I've got meat here!

Do you have everything?

Yes, but I don't know if it's OK,

because you gave me the form for the official passport.

Why should you pay for the ticket and the passport yourself?

You will go with the official passport as the competitor of the " Rainbow' club.

Such a passport allows you to fly wherever you wish.

Do you always carry your passport with you?

Show me how you look in the picture.

Like this.

Oh, honey!

You signed all the pictures. Good. Now I only need your ID.

- There you are. - Good.

Two coffees and two cakes. Anything else?

- Why two coffees and two cakes? - A coffee and a cake are obligatory

for everybody. We're competing for " The Gold Frying pan'.

We'll have the obligatory set twice then.

- The cloakroom is also mandatory here.

Have I lost them again? No, here they are.

Now listen. Here you have written what is in my jacket:

ID, a questionnaire, and so on.

It's ticket number 10. I'll write it down for you.

Can you add some water here?

I'm dead tired today, I'm telling you.

Can you take this lipstick off the glass?

The customer might kick up a fuss again.

We should let in only customers in ties.

They don't kick up a fuss so often.

- But this is my ticket. - Don't be so picky!

- Take this coat. - But it's not my coat!

Your ticket is empty, so he gave you another coat. Is that clear?

But I had there my passport, this lady's ID and...

Because you collected your coat!

You said: I had there my passport, ID...

- You paid 20 zloty for the lost ticket.

and I want the coat for this particular ticket.

Don't you shout at our employee! I'm the manager of this cloakroom!

We don't have your coat, and what are going to do to us?

It's all written here. Take it and read it!

The cloakroom manager isn't responsible for the lost items!

Why didn't you call the police?

Because I can get to them, before they can get to me.

Wait here for me. I'll be back in a minute.

- What about me? - My jacket got stolen and not yours.

Next door!

Don't you know the regulations?

Yes, you're right.

lf a man wants to piss, he forgets about the regulations.

That's true.

How much longer?

15 years, but I'm going to appeal.

Did you do it?

I did what I could.

Honey, look!

Look!

Look. They sent it back.

What?

I think they stole it again.

- But what? - Here it is!

My ID.

Great!

Maybe they sent my passport back, too?

Oh, honey! Let's go and check!

- There's a letter. - Really? Open it.

Here it is. Look how honest they are.

l know some more honest people.

It's crazy. Why did they send you the cover?

Probably because the thief had a better one.

But he didn't have a passport, so he'll use mine to go somewhere.

- The police will catch him. - They will, but in a year or even later.

Roman, I'm not coming. Love, Ryszard.

I'm really sorry, but not only because of myself.

I wanted you to play in Roman's film.

Honey, you are so clever!

Do something!

I can't send this telegram.

There isn't such a city - London.

- There is Ladek, Ladek Zdroj... - It's London! The city in England.

- And why didn't you tell me this? - I'm telling you now.

But I have to go and see where this damn city is.

They stole your passport.

Why don't you steal somebody's passport now? l will steal it!

'The Last Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent'. The Office.

- Where's my tea? - On the desk.

Thank you.

Here's the sick leave for you.

- Thank you very much. - What for?

Our actor, mister Ryszard Ochucki, got sick. He's got the leave for 3 weeks.

Can you put the ad in the papers that we're looking for his double?

- What's wrong with him? - Never mind. He's in bed.

Oh, God!

Take this. Put the ad with this picture in the papers. Write that it's urgent.

- But I'm about to have my soup poured. - The cab's waiting. The artist's sick.

I didn't eat when I was your age. There you go.

What are you waiting for? Go!

Are you the driver in " The Last Hot Dog of Count Barry Kent'?

- Yes, and so what? - So we're going.

First to Victoria Hotel.

Wait for me here.

I must eat something!

- Mashed potatoes with lard, please. - There's no lard.

- We serve potatoes with jam. - Ok, I'll take it.

Miss, can you come up?

- In a minute! - Please, came back.

Buckwheat porridge.

Number 78, seat 13, table 3.

Why are you fumbling with it? Just don't turn the plate.

- Bye. - Bye.

You're very welcome.

- What's your number? - 78.

I have 7 4, but I was in the john.

Asshole!

Terrible brutes come here from all over the world.

The porridge isn't cooked well...

Now let's go to the editor's office to put the ad.

- Excuse me, what are you waiting for? - For " The Last Hot Dog'.

There won't be anything left for me anyway.

Why are you here?

Because we look so alike.

All our friends from the office say that!

Thank you very much. We'll call you later.

- They weren't good. - We need only men.

Yes, only men.

Men only! Come in, please.

Take him away!

- He doesn't want to see you. - But why? I only...

Get out of here!

Out! Out! Finished! Send them all to hell!

Pay them half of the daily wage!

Tell them to go to hell!

Perfect doubles, God Damnit!

Why did I get into it? Hell!

So?

Are you mad? You're supposed to be sick!

You are sick! Seriously sick!

This day cost me 50,000 zloty.

Do you want to serve time with me?

If you're bored, go pick some mushrooms!

That burns me up!

Yes, this is a very good idea! Go pick mushrooms.

Ryszard, I'm sorry I shouted at you. Sorry for these mushrooms.

You must understand that you can't leave your home.

Listen.

What mushrooms is he sorry for?

But I am at home.

Very good!

Bring me this guy that was here a moment ago.

Yes, sir.

Krysia, we need this guy who was here.

He left. We need him.

Call this guy who was here!

Make it fast!

I'm going to end up in the madhouse!

He's here, sir.

Bring him in!

- What can he know? - Everything.

He can do everything.

He put the ad to find me and he warned me:

Go pick mushrooms, otherwise I'll go to jail and you'll go to jail.

Where do we get the mushrooms from at this time? Do you know him?

Never seen him before. He looks like nobody I know.

But what does he mean? These 4 tons on Tuesday?

And what about these 12 tons last week?

And these 8 tons of coke?

- And this timber? - True. The timber, too.

Let's go pick mushrooms!

We'll get some wine. My daughter was born,

- so we can drink. - Another one?

I mean the one that was born 4 years ago.

A child as any other, but we can drink, can't we?

You mean she has a name?

Usually we call her Mary,

but we want to give her a more modern name.

I know one name suitable for a girl.

What name?

Tradition.

You're a bunch of spongers and idiots!

You don't even want to move your ass!

I rack my brains, spend my money to put the ad to attract

as many people as possible.

Here he comes: the double we need for our film.

And you let this double go!

- Apparently he came as one of many. - How many people turned up?

Give me the register.

886 people.

Skip the women, check all the rest.

You mean we should go to their houses?

- Yes, and don't fool around with me! - It'll take all night.

I'll spend 2 nights looking for him, but I'll find him!

I want him in the morning!

And you?

Come, come. And who's gonna turn up the taxi meter?

Hello? Good morning!

Keep quiet for a while, please, as ADM is calling me.

Yes, madam. What can l do for you?

But...

Madam, I understand it.

I know you are cold. But it's winter now

Madam, this is the law of nature.

Have I fired it up?

Madam, I fire it up all the time. All day and all night long.

You're welcome.

Have a good day. Good day.

- Two. - One. I'm driving.

So, are we drinking or just looking at each other?

Sign it here.

Put tomorrow's date.

- OK. - Let me see.

We the undersigned, after having checked 538 males, during 14 hours,

and after having done 728 km, indicated by the taximeter,

still haven't found the person from the picture.

Good.

Sign it.

- From what picture? - Do you know this guy?

- No. - So you signed the truth.

- Grandma, I will be Herod. - You're too young to be Herod.

- Wasn't Herod ever young? - No.

Children, pick up your toys.

Ala, get the bucket.

- What bucket? - The one for coal.

Take also the pig's feeding trough!

Hurry, children! Where's your father?

He's sleeping, drunk. Good.

Hey, you! Wake up!

Get up, get the axe. They brought the coal!

There's coal in the village!

There'll be a war. There was coal before the war, too.

NO ADMlTTANCE! EXPERlMENTAL PLANTATlON.

l still can't get it.

They gave us a full cart of young pines for 2 tons of coal.

Maybe they needed this coal?

- What for? - To light a fire in the stove.

Can't they use the pines?

The peasants are so stupid!

But those from the film know how to do business!

- l told you. - Why did he stop?

What do you want?

The poor creature feels you want to cheat it. lt behaves like we do.

- She didn't drink all day. - Stop it.

- What do you want? - OK, OK. l'll give her.

There you go. Your turn now. Drink to the last drop!

Smell it! The horse's drunk, isn't he?

He? lt's a she.

She had only a small beer.

She's going on a rehab on Monday. They'll treat her and she'll be fine.

l wouldn't lie to the militia.

Your horse is not only drunk but dirty, too.

This is true. She's a bit slut...

Doesn't always wash after work. You are absolutely right.

What do you think l can tell you now?

That you suggest a 100 zloty fine.

You say a hundred - OK. And l say another hundred.

That makes 2 hundred.

And what about a young pine?

One goes for 230 zloty so you'll save 30 zloty.

- They are nice. - Let me see.

So?

Too expensive.

Thank God he didn't ask where we got these pines from...

Hey, you! Wait up!

Wait, wait a minute.

Give me one more, for my brother.

Wait a second! What do you mean " Give me'?

Just like this? For free? lt costs!

OK, l'll be back in a minute.

Come with me, Robby.

Dear Mr director!

l saw you in all the films: those Polish,

Just don't give a cent to this scoundrel, better send all to me,

because he ran away to this bitch, my sister, and this is his child.

ln the court he said that he was serving time,

but l visited him twice in jail, so this must be his child!

Robby, tell Mr director.

Tell him who this is!

- lt's daddy. - Daddy!

lt's his daddy!

We're looking for Mr Paluch.

Yes?

Are you Mr Paluch?

Yes, and who's asking?

Do you have a brother, Mr Paluch?

Let me introduce myself.

l'm Zdzislaw Dyrman.

Most of the time.

This is Mr Hoffa....Chrostowicz.

- Sit down, gentlemen. - We're looking for Mr Paluch.

Mr Stanislaw Paluch.

Zofia!

Where's Stach?

Stach, the militia came for you.

Gentlemen, let me introduce my wife.

Zofia.

Here's the money for those young pines.

You live as in one big family here on the set.

The truth of the times, the truth...

The movie shows the painful truth about the " sanacja' regime reality, right?

Barking dogs and poping champagne corks won't be able to drown the coming tempest.

- That's right! - They won't be able!

We're trying to render this atmosphere.

We fully trust the director and each other, too.

l don't mean to be controversial.

This is a young actor, amateur.

Mr Staszek!

Come here, Mr Staszek.

First time in the movie.

We can take example by him.

Thanking him, l symbolically thank the whole crew.

Thank you very much.

l looked for him for 4 days. l didn't eat and sleep. But he's perfect!

Our co-operation here is based on mutual trust.

Attention! Dress rehearsal! Go!

You're sad, the hunt wasn't successful, the hares ran away.

Now the lady of the manor. You're crying, crying, crying...

Now you come near him crying. That's right!

Now the horses!

Horses, droop your heads! Can the horses hear me?

Now we all come near the bonfire. Shoot the pot now! Got it?

Now the cook!

More vapour, you idiot!

Now you take out the hot dogs.

The hot dogs!

The disappearance of the hot dogs caused a huge confusion.

That's true.

However, the whole affair is transparent!

We know very well what's behind it.

That's why the hot dogs' disappearance...

... will only close our ranks!

Amazing!

Where do you get this coal from?

Usually from Wegorzewska Street.

That's impressive.

But aren't you afraid to cart it?

l am, but usually l try to have a document for this coal.

Your hair is very nice.

Maybe. l can't see it.

That's why we have to say absolutely...

NO! To the secret hot dog - eaters!

The youth brigade decided to guard the newly-bought hot dogs

in order to celebrate the anniversary of establishing our company.

- The 31st anniversary! - That's right!

- You should've mentioned the mustard. - l have the mustard.

Let me see.

What a chick!

She's from this movie?

A real chick. They are the worst!

Give me that! Or l'll hit you!

OK, OK! Take it!

Relax, are you going to fight because of a woman?

You're worse than children!

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

l'll tell you that a child named Tradition was born recently in Gdansk.

Read this.

'After the wedding ceremony, the newly-married couple went

to the works committee office and they got some flowers there.

They were all moved by the fact that they witnessed the birth

of a new secular tradition.'

You mean she was born in the office?

lt's written there, ain't it?

- So? - Who was that?

lt was Stach, your double.

This hairy monkey is supposed to be me?

l had nothing to do, so l came a bit earlier.

Come in, come in. l'm sorry, l'm so...

Thanks, they're so nice. These are my favourite flowers, you know?

- This is also for you... - Thanks.

Make yourself at home. l'm not ready yet.

You came so early.

- Stach? - What?

There are my pictures on the table. You can have a look.

l'm terribly sorry, but could you help me clean out the tube?

You are so strong!

What have you done, honey?

Luckily, it was only shampoo, and you had a chance to wash your hair.

- We're going to the theatre. - The theatre? What for?

Because l work at the theatre.

You see? This is what ham looks like.

Not only with the satire and the song did our people fight with the invader.

And when the ammunition was finished...

And when the ammunition was finished, the best consolation were again

the words of a simple soldier's song.

Let's hear it.

Could you move a bit? l can't see anything.

Get some glasses, then!

- Why are you bending over me? - Sorry.

Can you come here, Zofia?

- What? - Look!

l know what it is.

l had been working for 20 years in another theatre.

One critic wrote that during one performance at this theatre,

he tore all his hair out.

- Do you think it was him again? - No, it wasn't him.

That one has no hair left.

You look like an American!

Are you Kojak now?

- lt's because of this movie? - No, the theatre.

Goddammit! l would never go to the theatre!

" Here's the summary of the previous parts.

Lech Rys, the police officer, discreetly looks after a group

of young delinquents, trying to change their ways.

Thanks to his right advice, they nickname him Uncle " Good Advice'.

Here's the new hard nut to crack for our officer: Tommy swears.

The title of the next part is:

" The butterfly's leg of Tommy Mazur'.

So much snow, butterfly's leg!

Been waiting for the bus for 15 minutes, duck's feather!

l can't believe it! How can you use all these ugly words?

And what should l say? My feet got cold!

Butterfly's leg!

As you can see, the climate is always against us,

but it doesn't mean that we should use bad words. Right?

We tell him this, too.

l'll give you a piece of good advice:

Next time, when they cut off the hot water,

or the public transport won't work and your friend will start swearing,

- you know what you should do? - What?

You should pretend that you can't hear what he's saying.

- Hurray! - This is an excellent piece of advice!

l can see his face!

lt's a very good piece of advice, uncle.

Give me a piece of advice, uncle!

lt's simple.

The money from The Bank of London can be withdrawn

only by Ryszard Ochucki or Irena Ochucki.

Marry quickly a woman called Irena

and you'll have Irena Ochucki.

Irena Ochucki...

Sweetie?

Now your Irena...

... will kiss your eyes.

The right eye...

Now the left one...

l'll go. Now l have the right to open the door.

Amazing!

ls this really your new haircut?

lt's really great, honey!

You'll have to do it again.

l know! You'll have the some haircut at our wedding.

What wedding?

You asked me to marry you only an hour ago.

Didn't you get the joke?

- lt was a joke? - What else could it be?

You behaved like a moron.

Couldn't you leave him some hair?

How could l?

lf l am a moron, you are...

You are a genius.

Doesn't matter, he's a schmuck. How do you manage him, anyway?

l'm doing fine.

Why shouldn't l?

l'm only asking.

You're so silly!

Did you think that l sleep with him?

Oh, baby!

So what do you do?

l told him yes...

but not before we get to London.

You liar!

l didn't lie to him!

He's not going to London with me after all.

Because who's going to London with me? Who?

So what do you usually do?

We talk.

By the way! What does tradition mean?

He keeps asking about it. He says it's a girl.

ldiot!

Tradition means...

... something extra.

Extradition!

No, this is when a gangster hijacks a plane.

Then, because of this tradition, we can tell him to return it.

lt's an old tradition. Started with the beginning of the aviation.

Extradition.

For example, if somebody stole our cart, but was caught,

they have to give us a plane.

Do you get it?

lt's the tradition.

- lt means they have to give us back. - A plane?

- Yeah! - What the heck do we need a plane for?

- What about our cart? - The cart, too!

Good morning, president.

- Please, come in. - Thank you.

- And what about me? - He had a reservation.

Today you will shave my hair off completely.

- Completely? - Yes, l made a bet.

Yes, l know.

You can't smoke here!

Take a good look at it. You know, there will be TV, too.

Would you be able to hook it to the helicopter?

l'm the artistic director here. l want it

No problem. We can hook it.

Recently l put up 3 houses for the militia. They were very grateful.

OK. We have to discuss it with the president of the building committee.

- Come with me. - OK, OK.

This gentleman is willing to settle the whole thing.

He has a helicopter... l mean he can have it anytime.

l only need to know about it an hour in advance.

His price is competitive too. He'll do everything for 30 thousand,

while the others take 55 per hour.

l've got your phone number, l will call you or you will call me,

or maybe you will come. lt's up to you.

Why should we pay three times more if we have this guy here?

Let him make some money, too.

l've already taken care of the straw. We can put it inside - costs nothing.

l'll also have the tapes, so we can make a short movie.

lt'll also cost nothing.

This way, we've saved some 1 80,00 or 200,00 zloty.

- What else? - That's all.

One more thing. The People's Museum in Olsztyn will buy the bear.

We'll have another 150,00. What do you say?

You are risking being caught by an inspector for these stupid

savings of 100,00 or 200,00?

Hammer it into your stupid head:

the money must come from legal and not illegal sources!

This guy of yours can fly his helicopter

We are going to hire a helicopter for 10 hours at the standard price.

But it'll cost several hundred thousand!

We'll pay!

The movie will be shot by professionals.

l have some invoices - we'll pay.

And we won't sell the bear to any museum!

Does it mean you don't want to make any money?

Why do we need this bear? Tell me!

- Good question? Why? - That's it!

Nobody knows. So you don't have to be afraid of being asked about it!

You know what its role is? lt satisfies the whole society's needs.

This bear meets our standards.

Do you realize what it can do? lt can open the eyes of the skeptics.

We can say: " Look, it's ours, produced in

Nobody will be able to find fault with it, because it's the public bear.

And then in the autumn, it will rot in the open air.

- What shall we do then? - The certificate of destruction.

Real money can only be made on expensive, short-term investments.

No, no, no! You can't afford it!

You must be careful with money.

Don't be such a demagogue.

lf you play dirty games, it's all right!

lf l suggest something, all l get from you is a lecture.

Dirty games? Me?

Just mention one and l'll let you drink a bottle of cognac.

And who's responsible for this dirty business with your fake brother?

- lt all cost me 300,000 zloty. - You?

Money is money!

Several hundred thousand zloty for several hundred dollars,

provided she'll do the handsome thing. ls this OK in your opinion?

Let's not confuse these two currencies.

We're not Pewexes. As consultants, we get 20%%% of its overall cost.

The more expensive the bear is, the more...

- Cognac? - A double one.

l can afford it.

Do you have a big pot?

l have real hot dogs.

Made of veal in sheep's bowels.

ln sheep's bowels? They must be from an expensive shop.

No, they are from the movie. Smell them.

Sometimes it's painful to see how our president Richard Ochucki

overworks for our beloved club " The Rainbow'.

He works without a break. He looks after everything.

And some evil people dare plot against him. They 're devils!

lt was Waclaw Jarzabek speaking, the coach of the second grade.

Long live our president!

lt's me, Waclaw Jarzabek, again.

l wasn't here last week, l was sick. l have the sick leave.

Long live the president of our club! Long live the president!

lt was Waclaw Jarzabek singing.

Close the door after me!

What's wrong with you?

Right after you left, a guy came in and started talking to the wardrobe.

Then he sang a song to honor you.

- A song? - You should've heard this shit...

- lt was Jarzabek. He's a good coach. - Was it recorded?

Not only this.

The conditions at the training camps were very good thanks to our president.

And it's not true that the roof over the beds was leaking.

The president is like father to us...

- What's this for? - Do you want see some from

the previous years?

- Don't they know you record it? - Sure they know. l told them.

lf somebody wants to criticize me, my work or complain about something,

and l'm not here to listen to them, they can come here and record it.

But they can flatter you, lie to you, change the facts...

Why should they do it?

We have the same objective: the good of our club.

Honesty is the most important to us!

Hello, sir.

That door.

Hello, Richard. You know how l like you, my friend.

l've had an asthma attack since the morning

and l have to drink this wretched stuff.

- l brought something like this. - lt's for my grandson.

He likes sports so much that l want to give him this to encourage him.

Oh, it's already 5.30. l must have my blood pressure taken again.

Get in. You're coming with me. Press number 30, over there.

l wasn't quite sure what kind of sport he does, so l...

l had them put a more general sign...

He does nothing. This is meant to encourage him. What did you put?

l put: " To Marek Zlotnicki, the 1st place winner!'

l really like you, Ryszard.

Listen, when you were getting married to Irena,

there were some swords over your heads, remember?

l'd like to have the some swords, too.

We're getting married next Tuesday.

l understand. Next Tuesday.

And then, of course, the honeymoon?

Not yet. l think we'll put it off until winter.

You know, l've been everywhere.

l don't feel like travelling anymore. Irena, just the opposite.

Recently she brought herself a beautiful fur coat from Leningrad.

- What's today? - Tuesday.

So on Friday she's going to London.

She wants to buy something...

You know very well what women are like...

l've just remembered. There's a letter to Irena from abroad.

lt came to her old address, and l think it's from London.

From London? Where is it?

At home, or at the club.

Let's go there, then!

There's no need for you to go there, mister minister.

l will bring it myself. l'll be back in a minute!

lt's for you.

Quiet! He's not a stranger!

l should have the new animal collections in two days.

- Now l have only these French stamps. - No, l meant the English ones.

l don't have anything particular at the moment.

You have some stamped envelopes here.

l'll tell you how it was with these pipes.

ln winter the windows fell out. 2 at our place, 2 on the sixth floor,

and 2 on the seventh floor.

On the seventh only one!

TRANSLATOR

Pardon... lch keine... l speak Polish.

l'm so sorry.

l thought it was my son-in-low with his French friend.

They are supposed to come here from Zoliborz to take a bath.

There's no water there.

l would like you to write this in English.

- Here, on this piece of paper, OK? - Yes, of course.

The text is as follows.

Irena, my beloved goddess.

Every night l dream of your beautiful body...

Your beautiful body...

The elevators start working at 8.

- But l want to take this elevator. - This one is upstairs.

You should be sleeping now.

- Somebody came to see you. - Show him in.

- Sorry it took so long. - That's OK. Have you got this letter?

Thank you very much.

Janek, can you take my friend downstairs

Why should he tire himself going down?

lt's a very simple text. l'll translate it for you.

Excuse me. l'll be back in a second.

l thought you wouldn't come, because you already had water.

- Who are you going to be? - Don't know yet.

This one. l came back from Geneva yesterday.

There you are.

Hello? l'm calling from...

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Mr Paluch. Yes, l wrote everything down, of course.

Miss Krystyna!

And Miss Alexandra Kozel. Certainly..

Very good.

What's new in your private life?

l understand...

Congratulations!

lt's a matter of urgency. Take care of it immediately!

l traverse lands and seas,

the whole globe with an open heart.

l have the Polish passport with me.

Where from? Where is it from?

lt's from the pride and the hardship of everyday work.

lt's from the steel and the iron,

it's from the coal, which is the coke.

Get dressed!

- When are we going and how? - By plane. Want something to drink?

Why not!

How about some whisky? The British drink it.

OK, l'll try it.

Go on, drink. The British drink it all the time.

So l need another glass, then.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Merry Christmas. - Thanks.

They delivered herrings to the shops in Grochow.

Let's see how much you have on the meter...

Basically, you must know how much you have and where.

lt used to be like that, but now we've got a computer.

You can input whatever you want. lt doesn't matter!

A computer?

lt always gets it wrong when it does the math.

Every time, with no exception.

lt means that you don't have to be a professional these days.

Not anymore. lt's much easier now!

Excuse me, l need to go to the toilet.

Sure.

Mister, mister!

Can you see a computer? This English vodka!

l'll get it.

No, thanks. We already have one.

Mister, mister!

lt was a guy with a mirror. l said we already have one.

Take care of him. l'll be back in a mintue.

Hey, you! Computer!

Tell your coal merchant to get rid of this collector.

Or maybe ask the caretaker. Put him to sleep.

- Who? The caretaker? - No, the coal merchant.

Mister, mister!

Can you come to my apartament to carry out the collector?

Sure.

The Municipal Transport Service implementing the slogan:

" To The People of Good Work - Entertainment and Humor',

in connection with the transport damage,

to The Square at the Square.

The trams have been at a standstill for an hour. Some men have already got

into my basement for a piss and he went to carry out the collector!

Such a damage is a good opportunity to present our passangers,

who are the people of " Good Work',

a performance until the damage has been removed.

Excuse me, where did you get this tea?

My daughter sent me from Lomza.

Hi, hi. Hello! You're asking where l'm from?

l'm Jolly Romek. l have a house in the suburbs.

And in the house l have water, energy, gas...

Don't worry! They will cut it off!

He is sleeping! Sleeping like a log!

So what? l'm sleeping, because l'm sleepy. Logical.

- And? - OK.

Give me your passport now.

You know l have to buy the tickets for the tomorrow's flight!

l'll be with you in no time at all.

Hello.

There's sausage!

What can l do for you?

l booked a ticket to London for Stanislaw Paluch.

The flight to London at 1 1 .05...

This ticket has been discounted for four minutes now.

lt's 1 1 .09 now.

Didn't l bring you the sausage?

You can have it back! Go on! Take it!

lf you don't want to go to Tokyo, go to Melbourn.

lt's a rare ticket and still valid.

The plane took off 3 days ago and hasn't returned yet.

To Melbourn?!

Excuse me, but l just got a message from the hospital that my son was born.

l bought flowers for my wife, and l wanted to get a ticket for my kid,

as a sign of fortune.

- May l? - Of course.

l'd like the 1 1 .05 ticket to London. The flowers are for you.

- Your lD, please. - There you are.

- Excuse me, l'm a paediatrist... - l said it was a son.

- How much does he weigh? - 12 kilos.

- 12? - Yeah.

lt's a good strategy of our Party.

Only the people with the tickets, please.

- l only want to see my mother off. - Hold on...

l need to look in the instructions.

M... M... Mother.

You can see your mother off waving at her from the terrace.

We're sorry. The terrace is closed.

The nearest open terrace is in Wroclaw.

Maybe you will go, son?

You are to be operated on and not me, mother!

- l'll only help her with the suitcase. - Don't be so pushy.

'What if it was your son going with a group of one hundred other people,

and each parent wanted to see them off, do you know what a crowed it would be?

And don't tell me you don't have a son, because you can always have one.

Now check if he's not a priest.'

Excuse me, l have the ticket.

- Come here, come. - What's up?

- Want a ticket? - What?

l'm asking if you need a ticket!

Lufthansa, Swissair, Air-France...

Man, they aren't valid!

But you can use it to get aboard. lt's a kind of pass. Do you take it?

A Polish or a foreign one?

OK, give me a Polish one.

- Fourty. - How much?

Fourty, fourty. The foreign is cheaper-Thirty.

The NATO ticket you can use everywhere. The Polish as well.

Don't bend it, don't destroy it and it'll serve you even for 2 years.

Excuse me. l'd like to know what time the 1 1 .05 plane to London departs?

How should l know? At 1 o'clock, l guess.

- Could you...? - Wait a minute.

Passenger Stanislaw Paluch is requested at the check-in desk.

Mutual trust and friendship - the basis of the correct functioning

of the basic social unit: the family.

The 30th assembly of the Co-operative Society Zenum.

- l beg your pardon? - This is how we call the day

when all the planes depart as scheduled.

- A latecomer? - The 30th assembly

of the Co-op Zenum.

And what about this forged letter you gave him?

He took it to heart and said l couldn't go on Friday.

l said OK, l'll go on Thursday.

Of course, he sent a spy after me.

He's sitting over there reading a paper,

How did you get the passport?

Eli? lt's me. l'm calling you because l can't talk to you.

What? There are some people here.

No one you know.

No, no! l was talking to a friend.

- What now? - Partners?

- What else can l offer you? - l accept.

You see? You lost.

Losing with you is like winning with you.

Please, tell me!

Should l fill it out in English?

l'm serving sweets!

- l'll help you. - Thank you.

Your name, surname, occupation and address.

- Do you carry any alcohol? - No, only Cologne.

- That's all. - Thanks.

That lady said l filled everything out correctly.

That lady!

Oh, God! What have l done?

Oh, my God! How come you're here?

What a surprise! You must stay longer here with us!

Sit down and tell us!

- What's new? - Nothing, Mr Jan.

l'm very happy to find you here in good health, thank Goodness!

l'm very pressed for time. l want to make it with the cheque

before they close the bank.

- But you should eat something first. - l'll have something later.

- Nobody touched your things. - Yes, l know.

l'm taking my cheque book with me. l'll come back later, we'll have a chat.

l almost forgot!

Here's the stone you asked me for. l brought it from Jelenia.

- From Jelenia? - Czestochowa, of course.

lt's a souvenir.

You know who walked on this stone.

ln the evening we'll talk about the good old times, and now...

- But... - ln the evening, in the evening!

l don't understand you, but l can show you my...

l don't want you to think that l'm...

l'll show you my lD. There you go. This is my lD.

Go ahead! Take a look! My name is Ryszard Ochucki.

Can you see? lsn't it me? The same?

You can also check my signature.

Give me that!

Let me talk to this gentleman.

Do you speak English?

Tell me what this moron is saying, " cause l don't understand.

Go ahead! Speak.

They are on strike.

On strike?

Yes. Their place of work is too dark so they went on strike.

lt finishes at 2 o'clock.

8 minutes, you bureaucrat!

How dare you go on strike?!

All of this has gone to your heads!

- A long time ago? - About half an hour.

- Sure it was him? - How couldn't l recognize him?

l'd like to put my money in your bank.

l want an account with a password. Verstehen?

Sure we verstehen. Verstehen. We verstehen everything.

Have a seat, please. Wait a minute and all will be arranged.

Mr Jan, l need you to do me a favour.

Could you send a telegram to my address in Poland?

Write this: Unfortunately, l can't come to see you.

l can't come dear boys, love - your Aunt.

l got it: your aunt. l'll do it.

- Have you got them? - What?

- The tickets! - Tickets, tickets! Sure, l don't.

5 hours of queuing and l was left empty handed.

l was lucky they closed this office.

- You know what happened? - What?

What! What! Don't talk so much. Help me carry him out.

Why?

- What happened? - Don't talk so much! Open that car!

Open it!

- l almost ended up in prison. - Why? What happened?

The militia are looking for this Stach Paluch of yours.

They gave him the passport!

They did, but remember at whose request.

- Little brother joining the army? - Get lost, punk!

- Good night, my prince. - Why prince?

A friend of mine from the theatre says it like this.

l don't know why.

Today, in the early afternoon hours, a new secular tradition was born:

the day of the walking-passenger.

lt will surely enter our calendar.

The Varsovians celebrated this gift from

The picnic celebrating the day of the walking-passenger will

end with a fireworks display.

Have a drink. Worse things happen.

l'll buy you a fur coat if you want.

- A real one? - A real one.

The professional basketball team arrived in Warsaw...

- Honey! - ... to present a few matches.

This one doesn't have much to do with real basketball.

lt's a bit like a circus or a game, but mostly they try to make fools of us.

- These Negros are incredible. - Yeah!

l meant in general.

Look at the way he moves.

When l was young l was a Negro

and l played basketball, too.

Really! Look how l used to play.

l played like this... but then l stopped.

Sometimes l wonder if true love ever happens in life?

- Does it exist at all? - What? Love?

Yes, love. Does it happen at all?

Well, on TV they show love very often.

Some always talk about it or make love.

Yes, l also think that love isn't possible in real life.

- There's somebody hanging up there! - lt's a toy, a straw one.

They said on TV it would fly over the city.

- Look. - What TV?

- You're talking shit! - No! They said it's the tradition.

Look, it's gonna fly!

What do you mean it's gonna fly? lt's hanging on a line... or a wire.

- lt's good. - Do you carry people in this?

We're just going to the lake fishing.

Your lD and your licence, please.

What did you give me? lt's the passport!

The passport must be returned on the first day after Christmas at the latest.

- You may go. - But why should l return it?

- You already came back from abroad. - Who? Me? From abroad?

Yes, from abroad! You were in England.

Stop playing dumb! You may go now.

- Where were you? - You were in England?

- Why didn't you say anything? - He doesn't talk much at all.

- Were you there long? - One day.

- lt's not long. - l couldn't stand it any longer, man.

They drink this red vodka made of mice there.

You mean they drink even more than us?

Yeah, you can't compare it! One shot and you pass out for 2 days.

God!

Tradition, come to daddy! Just don't wet your shoes.

She can't be called this way.

Why not?

Because you cannot call anything tradition.

You cannot give orders to establish it.

Who thinks differently, goes to the beat of a different drummer.

Tradition means the house which grew up over a thousand years.

Do not ever compare the chicken with the egg.

The tradition of our works is like a fortified wall.

lt is the Christmas supper and the carol.

lt is the people's singing and our fathers' language.

lt is our history, which cannot be changed.

And all this around us, coming into existence from the beginning,

is the reality we live in.

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