Original subtitles

- How's your mom? - She's good.

Yeah? Make sure Mrs. C gets all her change.

Okay. You know she will.

- I know. - She gets it every time.

Not like your brother with his sticky fingers.

That's why he's not allowed in here.

I'll keep Dougal in check.

Please, Seville, he'll kick your punk ass.

Eh. Mira. Why are you saying that?

I'm putting empanadas in here for you.

Thanks. They're so good.

They're the best in the Heights.

- All right. Thanks, Mel. - Okay.

- What's up, Seville? - Hey.

- Where do you get that from? - Pick it up.

Strike three. You're out.

I'm not betraying you, Ma.

I just need more space, okay?

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hello, Mick. - Hi.

How are you?

Are they for Yaya, Seamus?

- Yeah. - You're too sweet.

His name's Mick, Lassie.

Let's go, hard-on.

Got to put this back before Dad opens the pub.

The pub? You mean your living room?

Jealous, needle dick?

I made this for you.

It's special.

As long as you wear it, you'll never forget me.

Ali, let's go.

Dimitri, why do you have to leave?

I don't understand. I mean, I...

what is wrong with this neighborhood?

What the fuck! You asshole!

Yo, dingleberry, you could have gave him the AIDS.

Later, Seamus. I'll come visit.

Don't bother, Valley girl.

I'm sorry. Just space.

- Darby Heights forever! - Get off me!

- You fucking ass... - asshole!

- Why? - Breathe.

- Uhh! - Breathe.

Ooh. Ah.

Ah.

And please, don't use that language.

Ohh.

Oh, I can see

that your dormant Kundalini

is coiled around family pain.

It's not. It's an old bocce injury.

What are you... I just...

I don't have much of a family. Ow!

I got to get back to work, actually. Yeah.

Ah. But patience is waiting, my friend.

What? Uhh.

Mmm.

Patience, by the way......

is disguised laziness.

Oh, no, no, no, no, not passively waiting.

I mean to keep at it...

when the road is hard and slow.

That, my friend, is patience.

Oh, great.

For he who is prudent

and lies in wait for an enemy who is not.

Mm-hmm.

Will be victorious.

- Sun Tzu. - God bless you.

Ah. Speaking of victorious,

I got deals to close, all right?

I got a bocce match with my boss.

I left my card in your shoe.

- Okay. Thank you. - Come back again

when you're ready to awaken your chakras.

Today was 225.

That's a lot of money.

We're talking about balls.

Callahan is calling McDougal.

Tell him to go to voicemail.

We got important business here.

You're wasting your time with that. Put it away.

Numbers don't lie. Loser, loser.

Yeah, maybe in bocce, not where it counts.

I closed two deals before lunch.

- Just saying. - That's my ace, bro.

Ha. Thank you, Mr. Delvecchio.

The old boss man knows what he's talking about.

I got my balls.

Nothing but balls.

Whoo.

Pa, Wednesdays is for bocce. You know that.

What's going on?

- Oh, Mick. - Hey.

Damn good to see you, kid.

- Good to see you, buddy. - Damn good!

It's like you've been standing there for 12 years.

You're still a health nut. I love it.

- Yeah! - All right.

- Nice talking to you. - You too, buddy.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl.

Padraig, is that you?

No matter. Who's this woman you were with?

I'd rather not ruin a reputation.

Can it possibly have been, uh, Carla Guatebella?

Brutus ain't cute.

- Father, please. - Uh

Or Kathy Riley.

I can't say.

Paula Miguele?

My lips are sealed.

Did you get some good names, huh?

What are you doing?

Yo, look at this guy.

That's a nice outfit.

Men's Wearhouse?

I'm sorry, pal.

Our prodigal son returns.

Hey, don't pick on him.

He got ambition.

You know why?

He got out.

What the fuck we do if we got out?

- Good to see you, Coach. - You too, bud.

- Hey. - Hmm.

Look at you. For three fecking days,

trying to get in touch with you. Three fecking days.

Yeah. I was busy, Pop.

You were busy playing these Jabroni games,

for Christ's sakes.

You know that if you need to find me,

just email my assistant.

If I need to f...

I need to find you,

I email your assistant

right up your fancy ass.

- Not today, Pop. - talk at you.

Not today, okay?

Any other fucking day but today.

Fair enough.

Come on.

Look at me. To your mother.

It's good to see you. Hmm?

I'm glad you're here.

- Father, son. - Mm.

I don't have that kind of relationship

with my son.

I'm sorry about that.

- He's an asshole. - I know that.

Now where the hell is that smack-ass brother of yours?

What the fuck is this?

Whew.

What have we got here.

Schmidt's.

Classy.

Are those for me?

Hey.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not this time, fucktard.

Doing first driving. What can you get me for,

idling under the influence?

Yeah. Plus open container

and you're a repeat offender.

How about a weekend plus points?

No, no, no.

You're looking at some time in County for this, bitch,

plus court-ordered rehab.

Good times, huh, Dougal?

No, but seriously, though,

the whole point of this discussion

is that your mother's a whore.

Come on. Come on.

And speaking of moms

let's go pay yours a visit at the Bucket.

I'll give you five minutes to see her out of respect.

You're lucky I'm wearing these bracelets, pussy pants.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, Mick, uh

she deserved better.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some undertaker

steal two months of my pay.

All right, everyone,

raise a pint.

Let's send my sweet Letitia off with a toast.

Lying, stealing, cheating, and drinking.

Hmm?

If you're gonna lie, lie for a friend.

If you're gonna steal

steal a heart.

If you're gonna cheat,

cheat death.

And if you're gonna drink,

darling, drink with me, hmm?

- Boys. - Hear, hear.

Five.

Yeah, you weep for my mom,

you curse us Booth hounds

You have that luxury, luxury of not knowing what I know.

My suspended license, while tragic,

probably saves lives.

And my existence,

while grotesque and incomprehensible to you,

saves lives.

I've neither the time nor inclination

to explain myself to those pickle smoochers

who sleep under the blanket

of the very inebriation I provide

and question the manner in which I provide it.

Come, just say thank you and be on your fucking way

and buy a round on your way out!

Oh, hey. Look who showed up. It's about fucking time.

You don't get to fucking ruin this.

- You never fucking came. - She didn't even fucking come!

No, no. It's over. It's over. You fucking blew it.

You didn't come while she was alive blew it!

- That was quite the eulogy. - Gracias.

Welcome back. You gonna extend your stay a bit little...

Well, I'm out of here ASAP, all right?

Tell him what he's won, Bob.

Why, it's the keys to a bankrupt pub.

Bankrupt?

Bankrupt?

What...

What about the hundred large

that I gave Pa to catch you up

'cause you cleaned him out last time?

What? I went on a bad run.

Don't pretend like you give a rat's ass about the pub.

It's all about a finder's fee on that money for you.

I'm not getting caught up in your shit anymore.

I stayed here long enough.

You got out of here as soon as you could

with your fancy Ivy League degree.

Some time back in the Bucket be good for you,

get some dirt on your dick.

Besides, who's gonna take care of...

- I already under... - Hey, hey. Shh.

We can hear you.

You okay?

Yeah. He hits like a girl.

What about her?

Luna? Please.

First off, she's with child, so show some fucking respect.

Second, she's not exactly a nurturer.

Well, you thought that one through, huh?

Still got a thing for her, huh, Tiny Toon?

You'll be in a pine box like Mom before you make a move.

Hey, you pissed away everything that Pop had.

He looks like shit. We got to put him in a home.

Only if we can collect his Social Security checks.

Seville, is she rubbing her belly at me?

Disgusting. Disrespectful.

Stop. Leave her alone. She's a pregnant woman, Whitey.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

How do we know you're pregnant?

Thank God his mom died.

This is gonna save my ass this month.

- Huh? - Got my eye

on like three of his clients already.

His mom's gonna help me make quota.

Jim, can you show some respect?

I know it sucks. When my mom died,

most said the same to me.

Just paying it forward.

Stuffed in there like a cannoli.

She ain't stuffed in there. She's comfortable,

like a bed, hmm?

It looks tight.

It looks a little tight, like he stuffed her in there.

Yeah, I know it is.

Shh.

She caught me with both her sons.

Never told my mother.

She made the best baked ziti.

Yeah.

If you ever need a babysitter

I'm good.

Time's up, guys.

You'll get him back in the morning.

My condolences about your mother,

and your brother and

condition.

Sorry to jam you up, big bro.

Go, go, go!

That your boy, Saville?

- Uh-huh. - Good seed you got there.

Look at this.

Not putting up with your shit no more.

Anymore.

What are you doing? Get in the car.

Anymore.

- Uh-huh. - Can you see through the cocks?

Shit.

A cop getting cock-blocked.

Yeah, good shit.

Just back up just directly through the cocks.

Just play through.

He faked your illness. And look here.

He faked your signature on the show-house lease.

There. Another one of your brother's scams?

Hmm?

Christ.

Hmm.

Pops, slow down. You know what?

We should talk about a retirement home.

We should also talk about you minding your manners.

First you just get here,

and you're just looking to run me off.

- No, I'm not... - What the hell's

the matter with you?

There's nothing wrong...

Mr. Delvecchio.

Wasn't expecting you.

Welcome. Good to see you. Thank you.

My condolences.

- Thank you. - You know.

This is my father, by the way.

- My condolences, sir. - The boss man.

I mean, you're my top gun. I couldn't just phone it in.

- Yeah. Thank you. - Come by and say hello.

Uh, sorry.

Yeah. Can we get you something?

Uh, give me a whiskey. When in Rome.

All right.

First time here.

Yeah, I got the mortgage on this place

ever since I gave you that hundred K.

- Yeah. - Pretty fucking underwhelming.

Well, whiskey and water.

There you go. None of that proddy shit.

There you go.

Hey, what do you know about yachts?

He knows crab boats.

Yeah. I do know crab boats,

but it's always been on my to-do list, absolutely.

- What do you got? - I just purchased a small one.

- 48-footer. - Oh, yeah?

Don't know what to do with the other one.

Huh.

- The other one? - But you know, listen,

I know you got your family obligations.

I mean, you just buried her and all.

Buried her and all? Ya fecking stroker!

Pops, he didn't mean anything.

It's my fucking wife, you fucking cunt!

Take it easy, Pops. He didn't...

This is who you're lying with?

No, no. He didn't mean anything.

No disrespect. All right?

Fucking prick.

Well, that didn't go over well.

- He's, you know... - Cunt!

Well, I got good news for you anyway.

This baby's for you.

Top Performer four out of six quarters.

And that's quite an accomplishment.

Thank you.

You're quite welcome.

Water?

You can take the boy out of Darby,

but you can't take Darby out of the boy, huh?

Yeah. Darby Heights.

Well, whatever.

You know, it's a goddamn shame

I'm gonna have to scrap this casino project.

Why?

'Cause I can't get the signatures.

I can get signatures.

These Darby rats have a lot more backbone

than you think.

Look, I know them, all right?

I speak their language.

Speak their language.

They couldn't pour water out of a boot

if there were instructions on the heel.

Listen, right now you're not gonna find

a gaggle of brain surgeons coming out of Darby Heights.

- I get it. - Oh, no shit.

But you got to realize

this is a golden opportunity.

You get this done, no more crab boats.

And I'll make you my partner.

A casino in Darby Heights.

- Win-win. - Everybody wins.

Sláinte.

Ma! The door!

Go answer it! What am I, the fucking butler?

Jimmy, don't try to kick your brother.

For Christ's sakes, Thomas, put down the scissors.

Who the fuck is at the door?

- Hi. - What the fuck now, Ali?

Tell your daddy that sending his daughter to collect the rent

beats the constable, but not today, hon.

Carla, will you just talk to me?

- Talk to you? - Yeah.

What the fuck we gonna talk about?

Croquet?

Hey, hey! Hey, come here.

What are you doing?

Think the world is your toilet, Spanky?

- This yours? - Yeah.

You know how to throw a cutter?

No, not really.

It's like a four-seamer,

except you just slightly off a little bit.

- Got it. - Go down there.

I'll throw it to you.

Got to remember to breathe, right?

- Yeah. - And you want to hide

what you're gonna throw.

So you give it a little kick, and then

Yeah.

Booyah! Ah. Fuck me.

Aw.

It's okay, Sharona.

Take this.

What the fuck is this?

Look, Ali, you're a doll,

but I don't need your pity or pita.

It's good, okay?

It's for you.

Sharona?

Yeah. I made her listen to the Clash.

Calms her down.

I think you're thinking of the Knack.

Yeah. I don't know about that.

I do. The Knack song that song.

Uh, uh, okay.

Uh, thank you, but I'm more of a Sunday gravy gal.

Will you just eat it?

Take it.

- Thank you. - Bye.

I'll be back soon, okay?

Aw. Look what we got.

Look what we got.

That's right, Sharona.

There you go.

Whoo. Better watch out for that cutter.

- It's a fickle gal. - Yeah.

You know that Sam Nahem discovered that pitch

- on accident? - Really?

Mm-hmm. Yep. He couldn't eliminate

the unpredictability of his fast ball,

so he accepted his imperfections.

I don't know if I believe in accidental success.

- Really? - Sorry. That usually comes

from a lot of hard work and focus.

- Right. - And I don't buy that whole

Millennial stumbling into that bullshit.

Well, good luck with that.

What's so funny?

- Was he - He's

- Oh, wow. - Having some accidental success.

Kukla!

Where are those dolmades?

Yes, I...

I'll be right there!

At least she doesn't have to go shopping

for my ma's funeral.

- What? It's a good... - She loves black.

I know it's a good funeral muumuu.

- Stop. - It's exciting.

I'm all she's got.

You're so mean.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Hope you're feeling better.

No, I'm serious.

I'm really sorry. Okay?

Give me a hug.

- Tighter. - Mm.

Squeeze me.

All right. Well, I better get going.

- All right. - See you soon.

I'm coming.

Hello, Mr. Gerald Murphy.

Yes. This is Dr. Narzikul calling

about your daughter's test results.

Uh, in any case, she was negative

for gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes.

I swear to God...

I do not think you understand.

Negative is good news, very good news.

She can continue to be quite active sexually

with no worries, no worries whatsoever.

Still pulling that Kiddie City shit, huh, Seven-up?

I thought you'd grow up by now.

What, like you? Big shot.

He's the best in the Heights.

Whitey ex-chick cheated.

He's looking to settle the score.

- Yeah. - Hey. There's my man.

I thought you pulled an Irish exit.

Oh, please.

You raised a better lad than that.

I'm done today, guys.

- See you, Coach. - And I will be back,

especially to look at you.

- Good night, Pop. - Look at you.

- Have a good day. - With your hands clasped

like a little fucking choir boy.

I just had confession today.

You know, if you leave them like that,

people might think you have a shot at a life.

But if you... That a boy.

Now you may look for a life,

but you'll never get one.

Good night, Pop.

He's in a good mood today.

It's good to have you around, son.

Good to be back with all this positive reinforcement.

You know what? I got to get out of here.

What the fuck you got to get to, bitch? Glenn Wyn?

Why you have to move so far away?

I live in Rittenhouse Square, by the way.

- What is this? - What is that, North Jersey?

No, it's like ten minutes from here.

It might as well be Georgia, hot shot.

I forgot. You guys break out in hives

if you have to leave the Heights.

No reason to leave except if you go to...

The shore.

You guys are unbelievable.

You know, the stakes are much higher

when you're adults, you know?

You have to pay bills.

- You have to live in reality. - Oh.

You don't have your dads wiping your ass for you.

Charlie's out there directing imaginary traffic,

chomping on a cigar like a truffle pig.

You're not wearing... look at you guys.

Fucking... It's like you've been shellacked

since... in 1997.

You're in a fucking time capsule.

Come on. Hang with your boys.

- I don't... - Hang with your boys tonight.

- Yeah, we'll have a good time. - I don't... Listen,

I know this is hard for you guys

- to wrap your mind around... - Fuck.

but I have a job, all right?

Besides, I don't drink the way I used to.

Well, neither do we.

Yo, remember that night we jumped them Hammers?

- Of course. - Don't you want

to get your fucking dukes up again?

Come on, man. I bet the only fighting this guy does

is on the email.

Too cool.

I am a keyboard warrior.

But I can still kick ass. Don't worry about it.

You do Krav Maga?

The Israeli fighting system?

- Yeah. - What do you know

about Krav Maga, man bun?

Oh, you're looking like you do,

so, like, when you left, I'm wondering...

You working out now?

if you went a little bagel on it.

You went a little bagel schmear fighting style, right?

Oh, you guys are fucking unbelievable.

- Oh, come on. - Rolls up after bench.

He presses fucking 185. Has a blueberry smoothie.

Fucking guys...

You're fucking unbelievable, man.

- Yeah. - You guys are the grand poobahs

of a tragedy festival. You really are.

- Ohh. - It's making me fucking sad.

Why don't you hang out with my dad

for a little while? You guys would get along great.

- Any one of your boys. - Yeah.

Any one of your finance boys.

- We'll get on the ground. - Don't leave! Don't leave!

- Fucking Iowa. - There we go.

I don't know what Iowa said.

she said this fucking guy.

- Oh, my God. - Can you believe...

You went to Catholic school.

So, you know, same with a preschool.

You looked down,

and you saw the Adam's apple.

- No! - And then you decided

and you said, "Finish the job."

- And then... - I hate you all!

I'm so... I love you guys.

You should take a...

This guy's got a fucking Porsche.

- No! - He's fucked up. He's living.

- Yeah. - That's...

What are you two fucking driving?

- What are you fucking... - I got a Pontiac...

Hey!

Hey!

Stop drinking, man.

Ah!

- God bless you. - You're not gonna put your...

If he put his mouth on the...

He put his mouth on it.

I'll kick the shit out of you.

I go there for effect.

Gonorrhea?

Fellas, don't worry about it.

Hold on.

- Oh, are you okay? - Jesus.

Ohh.

To Laurence Sr.

I bequeath all of my jewelry.

Laurence Jr. insisted he be mentioned in my will,

so hi, Junior.

To Seamus I bequeath Callahan's Irish Pub,

and please take care of your father

because we both know that man's incapable

of looking after himself.

He couldn't even piss on himself

if he was on fire.

How do you have a place called Bucky

and have fucking invitation crap?

You know, our crab boat's broken.

Yeah, you can fucking put crabs on anything.

I can't tell you, I can't wait for Memorial Day weekend

down at the shore.

Youse have no idea what I got planned,

a little pre-sentencing celebration.

Let's go, slackers. Come on.

You'll be late for work. You've got tabs to pay.

Right?

I need your John Hancock right here,

if you will for me, fellas.

- What? - It's some petition

for some construction in the neighborhood.

You're fixing up the hood, Mickey?

That's right, Paddy.

Where is he?

In his office as always.

He's got a fucking home.

Booyah!

A little early for that, don't you think, Pops?

Ah. Never too early.

You get some crab and eggs?

Yeah. It's, uh, lipstick on a pig, don't you think?

Thanks for the grub, though.

I need a decent boat,

and blue freshies are out there.

They're just further south.

The crabs are jumping into the boat down there.

Yeah, you know, I'll help you this weekend, Pops.

- We'll get ready for this. - Yeah, sure.

You say that every year,

ah, but you're still working for that yuppie prick, hmm?

You're gonna help me with the boat.

You're gonna help me with the pub

that was good to your family for all these generations.

My son, my Cain, can't help himself, hmm?

And then throwing it all away.

Life's just a big party, huh?

- I'm here. - Yeah.

You're here now.

The question is why. Hmm?

Why?

You were born with a horseshoe up your ass.

And don't start that shite

about putting me into an old age home.

I ain't going nowhere.

Go. I got work to do.

I don't want you to get dirty.

- Ooh! - Ooh! God damn it!

Strike three! You're out!

Where's my money?

What's this?

Candy.

She's sick.

I just need one goddamn leprechaun.

Well, well, well,

look what the tide washed in.

- It's unbelievable. - I know.

It's like a time capsule.

- Hey, Mick. - Yeah.

If you're looking for your cream,

you know, for your issues,

got to go down to the pharmacy.

That's where I get it.

Yeah. That's great, Charlie. Thank you.

The only issues I have

is with you using all the cream.

It's a terrible image. You look amazing, Melanie.

- Yes. Thank you. - No, but you are.

- And... And... - You think so?

Well, you could use some more customers, though.

- Oh? - I have some suggestions.

Yeah? I'm worried about you.

- You're worried about me? - Yeah.

Dougal's concerned about your health.

He's raising money for your issues.

The only thing that he's concerned about

is funding his endless summer, believe me.

- So listen. - Mm-hmm.

I need your signature

'cause I need to bring more jobs to the area.

- Wait. The casino? - Absolutely.

More traffic for the hood means more patrons for you.

- You're gonna make more money. - They're gonna shop here?

Are you kidding me? Listen.

You keep making those empanadas.

How can they refuse?

Are you kidding me?

You deserve it.

I dreamed... It's comfort food.

- Okay. Just for you. - Thank you.

- This signature means the most. - I missed you.

Oh, I missed you. Take care of yourself.

- Thank you. - Keep up the good work.

- No empanadas? - Not now.

Hey, Mrs. Ning, how are you?

I'm good, sir. Do we know each other?

Yes, of course we do. It's Mick.

- Who? - From Callahan's. Remember?

We have the pub down the street.

Oh, yes.

The McDagos.

- Yeah. Something like that. - Oh.

What? What do you got?

Casino? I'm not interested.

Get the fuck out of here.

- How old are you now? - I'm in my 40s,

you know, just like you.

Always a charmer.

This used to be McDermott's or Flannigan's house.

Hey. You looking to get in?

Yeah. Are these new condos?

Uh, yeah. They built them last fall.

The joint is sick, right?

I have no idea what you just said,

but do you mind signing?

Yeah, I can get the whole complex to sign those.

- Really? - Yeah.

I'd love that.

Now you don't have to take the bus into AC.

Oh, not with those nasty nuns.

Oh, man, I still have nightmares about those nuns.

They stuck an entire ruler up my ass.

- Yeah. - Yeah. They used me

as a hand puppet.

- I hate nuns. - Oh, I hate them too.

Yo, come here, guy.

The Mick I remember would never pass by the house

without saying hello.

Hello, Mrs. C.

- How are you, Mick? - Good. How are you?

Would you care for a cookie?

Oh, sweet of you. No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Iceberg straight ahead.

So how you feeling?

I'm all right.

I heard you have this, um

uh, elongated illness?

No, no, no. I'm fine, really.

Oh. Your dad?

Brother, they have?

Still shanty Irish.

Oh.

I ever show you a picture of my Kukla?

Yes. Yes. Many times. Many times.

- Beautiful, huh? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Bye.

Is that Laurence McDougal Jr.?

You look like a bag of ass.

Still building tomorrow's ghettos today, champion?

All the way to the bank, junior.

By the way, guys,

I'm hiring douchebags who'll do anything for money.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, uh, I got something for you.

Yeah, that's funny. That's funny.

- Keep it up, junior. - I will.

Asshole.

- She's a beauty. - Absolutely.

She has these great child-bearing hips.

She gets that from me.

Yaya, gosh.

- See you later. - Bye.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Don't do that.

What? What I do now?

Still ain't made your move on Persephone over there, huh?

Some things never change, pussy.

I know this look.

Which look?

His look when he looks at you. I know this.

Yeah, he is pretty cute, huh?

- Mm-hmm. - But he's so into himself.

He's a waste of time.

He's Mick.

He has.

Not like your father. Uch.

Palaka.

- Ai. - You're fine.

Come, come. I'll go make some , huh?

- Ooh. Yes. - Okay.

- I'll help you. - Thank you, Kukla. Ai!

How was your day?

It was a day, another day. Thank God it's over.

Ai. What the fuck.

Hey, no. Wait a minute. What are we doing?

- Where are we going? - Hold on a second.

It's Friday!

No, wait a minute. Hold on. I got to check on Pop.

I already did. He's holding down the fort.

Time for a day load.

Got one?

Looking sharp, Whitey.

- Oh, look. - You joining us later?

Ah, come on, man. Does a priest like little boys?

Mm-hmm.

There he is.

Is it a yard sale Tommy Bahama?

- Yeah. - Ehh.

- Hey, easy, easy, easy. - Come on, Whitey.

Hold on, guys. It's not a gay bar. All right?

We got enough dudes in there right now.

Are you serious?

We're trying to get one female in.

Is anybody here female?

He's talking to you.

Is anybody out here in transition?

Oh, would you look at you?

For fuck's sake, Dougal,

I thought you were flagged.

And I tawt I taw a putty tat.

Medicate us with a round of car bombs

before I give you a real reason to like me.

You're a fucking Muppet.

Excuse me.

- Hey. - Yes.

- Hey, Mick. - There he is.

- Long time. - Yeah.

Hey, apologies.

I sure hope you beat that hard-on thing.

Must hurt.

Uh, I'm all right. Thank you. Thanks, buddy.

We didn't know.

No one knows.

Okay what'll it be, then?

We'll take... I'll take a tall boy.

- Black and tan. - Couple of car bombs,

tall boy, half and half.

- Coming up. - Thanks.

- I'm Seamus. - Morgan.

Basically single.

All right. There you go. This is my boy Seven-up.

Oh.

Okay. What are you doing?

Easy, guys, okay? Go.

Come on, Grimace. Take it easy, all right?

So look at this guy. He got fucking dressed up.

We have a three stain policy.

If you have more than three stains on your shirt,

you can't get in. I see three and a half.

- Come on, man. - Come on, let's get going.

Do you know you're going out or what?

I can't get anywhere with you.

Guys, you see this? It's Bill Blass.

- Been waiting for a... - Go to Men's Wearhouse.

Get yourself something.

He puts out a beautiful product, okay?

- So - What in God's name

are you still doing in the Heights?

- Me? - Yeah.

I'm staying at Yaya's.

My dad's trying to build her a in-law suite.

He's trying, but she's never gonna leave here.

- Why? - She really... I don't know.

- She just... - It's a shithole.

It's not a shithole.

It's so not a shithole. I like it here.

It's special. It's like, it's nostalgic,

and I don't know. I like her house.

It smells good. It's comfortable.

I wish I had a grandma like that.

You know, she actually really talks highly about you.

- Really? - Yeah. Kind of a lot.

She talks about how your mom used to come by all the time

and brag about your... your hours

and your promotions,

and she's so... so proud of you.

Hard work, thanks to her.

She thinks you're embeestos.

- Embeestos? - Yeah.

- What does that mean? - Noble.

- Noble? - Thinks you're noble.

Are you noble?

I thought it meant, like, manly.

- No? - No.

Doesn't...

She used to take care of those kids.

She used to feed us. We loved going over there.

Desserts. Mm.

Spanakopita.

- Spanakopita. - Mm-hmm.

She's awesome.

Ah.

Not really what I was expecting.

What were you expecting?

I don't know. I just heard that you sold out.

Or that you, like, turned your back on the neighborhood

to make money.

Maybe there's some hope left in you.

I see it.

I mean, just a little.

- A little bit? - Just... Yeah.

Just a little crack.

Don't get carried away.

You remember my brother Dougal.

How could I forget?

You leave such a indelible impression.

Watch your mouth.

We don't use that kind of language around here.

Ali. Remember me?

Zafilopoulos.

Yeah, I seen you down the... There you go.

Good Irish lass.

Her pop Deech owns half the township.

Him and her boyfriend Steve.

He's not my boyfriend.

Yeah, well, I got this one.

Oh, and another round of car bombs.

Coming up.

So your pops is really from Darby Heights?

Yeah, he's really from Darby Heights.

- Hey, got a problem? - Think you're funny, faggot?

- Uh - Easy, guys.

I know you.

Yeah?

That's right. I met you at the club.

- Country club? - Tell your boy to cool out.

Chill. It's all right.

- See you at the club. - All right.

- Ow! - Faggot here thinks he's funny.

You gonna let him talk like that around these lovely ladies?

That's not the Mick I used to know.

Siding with these rich twats? Come on.

How about we take it outside

and I embarrass you in front of your bitches?

See, now why'd you have to go there?

- Don't. - No, that's all right.

It's all right. It's all right.

I've been outside before. Come on, big man.

- Let's go. - All right.

He's tougher than he looks, bro.

Hey, why don't you zeroes stay here and keep me company,

all right? Otherwise, we can all go back to jail, right?

Unless you think, uh,

Hulk over there can't handle him, eh?

Can you give this to your brother?

Thanks.

Another round.

Hot asbestos? What is that?

Like... Like a... Like a dirty gyro?

No, Rambo! It means noble.

It's a kind of cannoli.

I think your boy's gonna need some help out there.

Aw, look at them run along

with your old asses and elbows out of here.

He was hungry. I gave him a three piece and a soda.

Ah, you still got some fight in you, huh?

What the fuck was that all about anyway?

Come on. Grab a beer with me.

Oh, look. Oh. Look.

There's the dude she's doinking right there.

Hey, tooler, are you still banging Ali Z?

Not anymore, douchel.

Left a bad taste in her mouth.

You got my sloppy seconds, so I'll get yours.

- Huh? - I just picked up

the new Meeta project.

Your boss Delvecchio, I love that fucking guy.

Those for us?

Say, aren't you going away again?

Yep.

Well, I can no longer own a firearm,

but on the bright side, I got out of jury duty.

I think it might be difficult landing a job.

Nah, we still got the Bucket.

I suppose. For now.

What the fuck does that mean?

I'll take his.

- Hey. - Yeah.

You here to pick up Mick?

There he is.

Ah, the dean of Darby Heights.

- Yeah. - My little leprechaun.

Ah.

Mm. The good stuff, huh?

Ah, eh, enjoy it.

- The usual. I love it. - Mm.

Quick question for you, boss man.

Why'd you hire Steve Kelly?

Have a rough night?

Something like that, yeah.

- You look like shit. - I mean, the...

I thought I was lead guy, you know?

Why do we need a guy like that? Come on.

Listen, he's a great builder.

Okay? And he has a lot of political connections.

You got a problem with that?

I don't have a... I don't have a problem with it.

It's just I don't need to be kept in the dark.

- Listen. - You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes the dark is a great place to be.

You don't have to know everything.

I got this, okay? I got this.

There's a saying in Italian: state zitt'.

It means shut the fuck up.

You just go out and get signatures.

All right? And stop asking so many fucking questions.

- How's it going, man? - Good.

- Good? - Good, good, good.

I'm collecting signatures...

Ain't you Laurence's son?

- Mick, right? - Yeah, that's right.

What do you got there?

Well, it's a petition for the new casino zoning.

- So... - No disrespect, Mick,

but I don't need the competition.

Um, uh, competition?

Yeah. I'm a mom-and-pop operation as is.

I provide credit for my customers.

Oh, okay. So you're, uh, so you're a bookie.

Nah. No, no, no, no.

I'm an arbiter of gaming and chance.

But yeah, okay? I'm a bookie.

I do a lot of business with your old man.

Oh, that's delightful. Yeah.

I'm just going door to door trying to get some signatures,

uh, 'cause we're gonna be building...

- Oh, hi, Mick. - Hey, how's it going?

C-Call me.

Some-sometime.

- Morning. - Nope. Nope.

We don't want none, honey.

I-I know that, you know,

your time is very valuable.

I'm just collecting some signatures, okay?

- Oh, no. - So that we can get zoning...

No, it's bad enough Barry is out there

chasing white-tailed deer

and blowing all our cabbage on his hobby.

Okay. Who's Barry?

My husband.

Okay.

And your brother Dougal. Whoo, what a mush he is.

He's broke, so stay away from him. For me?

Listen, casinos are the true extortionists, Mick.

I'm telling you, their wig is like double mine.

Really? 'Cause you're the good guy,

- and they're the bad guy. - There you go.

You sell a little bit of crack, and you're living the dream.

The guy sells the big crack, no good.

- Look at you, huh? - Hey.

- Hi. - Huh?

Nothing for nothing.

That's one way of putting it.

- I'm gonna go now. - All right.

Hey, tell your old man

if he wants to get any picks this week,

got to get them in early.

I'm going on vacation. Mar-a-Lago.

I don't want him in no casino. Hell, no.

that man ain't got no self-control,

and don't even get me started

- on his porn. - Okay.

Enjoy Barry. He sounds like a delight.

An absolute treasure.

Well, ultimately,

we're gonna bring a lot of foot traffic here.

More jobs for the locals.

- Go fuck yourself. - Okay. Fair enough.

- I'm gonna go... - And suck a big bag of dicks.

Thank you. Suck a big bag of dicks.

- Excellent advice. - Yeah. Like 20 dicks.

Let me... I'm gonna go

When I tell you to stop, you stop.

Directing here a long time over here.

They're my streets, man.

- Yo, cuz. - Hey.

Slow down. Where's the fire?

Okay, take it easy. All right. I'm with you.

Do me a favor. Help me direct traffic today.

- Okay. - It's a busy day.

Safety first. I got you, buddy.

- Does it fit? - It... Of course it fits.

Look at this, huh?

Okay, it's a big day with traffic.

The parade's coming.

Oh, Mick. Mick.

- Yeah. - Mick, please,

can you please help me just one minute?

Just one minute? I just... I cannot find my beads.

Come on!

Everything all right, Mrs. C?

I cannot find my Komboloi.

I'm sorry?

My Komboloi.

You know, my, uh

my worry beads, see?

You Catholics, what you call them?

- Rosary. - Rosary beads.

- Oh. - I cannot find...

Don't just stand there with your putza in your hand.

- Help me find them. - All right.

Oh!

- Are these... - Oh, damn!

- What's going on? - Oi!

My back popped.

Okay.

Ohh. Okay.

You have to pull me from my hips.

Come on.

- Uh, I don't know... - Pull me from my hips

to pop my back back in.

I don't know about that, Mrs. C.

Oi, my animal husband,

he used to deduct my back out once a week.

Come on, it's the only way it works.

- You sure? - Grab me by my hips.

- Okay. - And pull.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Again. Ai!

Stop!

Yeah. Ooh!

Aah! What the fuck!

- Mick? - Aah!

- I found them. - Oh. Aah!

Oh. You're wrecking the house.

Aah! God damn it!

Oh, my God. I thought you were Charlie with that vest on.

- Oh. - I'm sorry.

Ohh. Aah.

Oh, my God, you're blinded.

No. I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Okay? - Yeah.

How many fingers am I holding?

Uh

Ali.

Hey. Oh, listen,

let me make it up to you about the other night.

I'll take you out for steaks. How about that?

- Is that cool? How about that? - Um

- I like lamb. - Okay.

Okay, great. Tonight I make a traditional dinner.

I can't. I'm supposed to see my dad tonight.

So bring him. And bring some good wine, too.

None of that shit beer that you guys drink.

I'll see you guys tonight, if I can.

- All right. - That looks better.

Oh, by the way, thanks for the, uh,

release. You have very soft hands.

Yo, yo, yo, guy.

Hey, guy, turn it off!

Keep your pants on. Keep your pants on!

It's almost over!

Turn the fucking game on.

Mexican television soap opera?

Got hooked on this my last time in the clink.

Damn, those Latinas can act.

All right.

No shower, happy hour.

First round's on the house.

It's about time.

Don't sass the bartender.

And he's a good guy. You know why?

At six years old, he kicked my kid's ass,

and I respected him for that.

He only made one mistake.

He let your brother go to work

for that fat fucking guido.

Yeah, I agree with you there.

You should know a little something about that.

- I got jobs, Pop. - Oh, bullshit.

You remember what happened

the last time this asshole went

and tried to buy clothes?

He stole them off a one-legged woman's

laundry line.

What the fuck was that?

Coach, you give me the word,

and I'll fuck him up for funzies.

Fuck off, bean head.

You're never gonna let it go, will you?

It was a fucking ball.

You got to protect the plate on two strikes.

It was low and outside.

You don't know what you're talking about!

You clowns ain't settled on that pitch in 20 years.

Time to put the controversy to rest once and for all

with a good old-fashioned sex bet.

There's a fucking great one.

That's a contest... the blind leading the blind.

All right.

Grand prize is a trophy.

- And the tape. - You have the fucking tape?

Champ to be crowned down the shore

Memorial Day weekend.

What are you talking about?

That's my fucking tape.

I recorded and videotaped the game.

All due respect, Coach,

your tab's older than that tape is.

All right, fellas, some ground rules.

Anything out of the ordinary...

teabag, Cleveland steamer,

free Willies awarded bonus points

at my discretion.

Okay. Hickeys.

Are you fucking kidding me

with the fucking immature shit?

Come on, leave the baby shit to the fifth graders,

- all right? - Yeah, that's out.

In fact, hickeys are minus five.

Plate job.

What kind of job?

Plate job, Coach.

Why don't you get a plate job?

He can't even fucking get...

Wait. What about docking?

- What's docking? - What the fuck is that?

Yeah, what the fuck is docking?

Rusty trombone.

A rusty trombone?

- Coach... - Is that what Kenny G plays?

- He does, but that's when... - Mostly clarinet.

No, clarinet. That's it.

Hey, fellas, remember we're looking

for consensual bouncing partners.

- Right. - Yeah. Amen.

- Run the ball, bitch! - Whoo!

I'm not here!

Not here.

The Bucket.

Yeah, he's here. Coach. It's for you.

You cocksucker.

It's the first time he's eaten vegetables

since 1946.

I'll be shitting for a week.

There you go, like the Green Giant.

you know, I can't...

I can't remember the last time you were here.

Letitia, she used to like my food.

Ah. Yes, she did.

And it sure as shit wasn't meat and potatoes tonight.

No. Not in this house, no.

So you still seeing that Steve Kelly guy?

Nope, and I never was.

All I did was an on-site evaluation

urging him not to open a casino.

That's all.

You know, I go to the Senior Center

about two, three times a week.

- Good. - And we play bingo.

And you can make a couple of bucks

every now and then, you know. That's not so bad.

Look at that. Membership has its privileges, Pop.

I'm not going to no old age home.

No offense.

That's what I tell my Kukla.

I'm never leaving my house.

Amen.

Ivy, hand me that beer.

- Ivy? - Yeah.

- What's that? - Engineering

- from Cornell. - Yeah, that's right.

Got me out of the Heights.

Got me a job with Meeta Construction.

Wait. Hold on.

Did you say Meeta Construction?

- Yeah. - The casino with... with Steve?

- Yeah. - Are you kidding me?

Yeah. Listen.

Casinos bring jobs, okay?

People in this area, they need jobs, all right?

- It's a fact, right? - Yeah, if you...

People from... not from the Heights.

But we've been working for years to restore the Heights.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's nice you're, you know,

says a girl who's privileged

and got out of here by birth, you know.

Oh, okay, as opposed to what?

Getting out by effort?

- Yeah. - Wow.

- Real effort. - I'm really shocked right now

'cause you're the last person I thought

that would just hammer that nail in the coffin.

I'm not the one hammering anything.

- Really, Seamus? - No.

Do you realize... Do you realize

if Steve and Meeta get their way

with all their back-door politics

that our neighborhood's...

that's that, gone?

- Ivy... - It's gone...

Come on, take me home.

I promised your brother

I'd come to that shore house money thing.

All right. I got to get him out of here,

and I got some paperwork to do.

So thank you. That was amazing.

You got it.

Let me ask you question.

Did you pass on the stiff pecker gene to your son?

My Dougal.

Yeah, he's a regular hard-on, all right.

Katya, thanks for everything. It was lovely.

Restore the Heights.

What does she think I'm doing, you know?

You need to restore balance in your life,

- starting with your chakras. - She thinks I'm hammering in

that final nail into the coffin.

It's been dead and buried for years.

Hmm. Much like your kundalini, which we need to activate.

A casino would resurrect the area, don't you think?

- I mean, come on. - Mick.

It's got nothing going on.

- Mick, Mick, Mick. - Yeah.

Close your eyes.

Clear your mind.

- What do you see? - I... First of all,

I can't clear my mind.

Okay, what do you see?

Destruction.

Quiet the noise.

Quiet the noise.

Didn't that feel good?

Yeah.

Mick, it's okay.

I know that you're scared.

- I'm not scared. - No, you're... Shh.

You're scared.

Where is home, that place you speak of?

Darby Heights.

And it was never an enjoyable place for you?

It was when I was young, and it's kind of torturous now.

- Yeah. - Kind of a glorious,

torturous situation.

Yeah.

I think you need to stop judging yourself

and your family so harshly.

Mick, the work that you are doing now in here,

it will enable you to see them and yourself

in such a loving light,

and that, my friend, is priceless. Hmm?

That means that today is 235.

Okay. I think you just make up the prices.

Ooh. Fuck.

What the fuck?

What the hell is this?

I knew I didn't drive.

Which means you're a thief.

You stole my car.

You prick.

Hey, Pop.

Want a hand to get out?

- Mm, yeah. - Can I see you again?

I doubt it.

All right, then.

- That was a put-down. - Yeah, I got it.

You lost.

Looks like we can get our vendors paid this week

if you can keep your grubby hands out of the till.

It's a good business move.

What is, staying out of the red?

Red, black, poker, blackjack.

What, you didn't think I know about the casino, little man?

It's always about you, huh? Grabbing money.

It's not about the money. It's about helping out Pops.

Bullshit. I don't really give a fuck.

Gamblers make good bar patrons,

but, uh, the rest of the Heights might think otherwise.

I'm so concerned about the rest of the Heights.

- Yeah, and you should be. - That's my main focus.

It's where you came from, motherfucker.

Hey, Coach, what are you doing out here

in your grape smugglers? Get some pants on, old man.

What are you, a fucking clothing critic.

Ah. Look at that.

Grown-ass man still getting hickeys.

That's minus five, Paddy.

But I bagged Meghan.

Still grabbing that low-hanging fruit, huh?

Look who's talking,

Mr. Back In Town to Build a Fucking Casino.

Really?

Oh, nice. You're behind that?

Cool.

Cool?

What the fuck would he know about cool?

- And you, sir. - Ah.

- You came back. - Mm-hmm.

Did you forget where you came from?

I'm just trying to do good for the Heights.

- The Heights? - Yeah.

It's good for the Heights?

A casino would be good?

Look around. What the fuck do you see?

Does this place use a casino?

It would destroy it. Don't you get that?

The bodega on the corner, she's trying to sell to who?

Your pathetic fucking guido boss.

The guy who pays my bills.

I don't give a shit if he pays your bills.

He doesn't have the power you have the potential to have.

So if you have it, then get this thing stopped.

Come on, Coach. Pops made breakfast.

Okay? And you could help him out too.

Fucking put some pants on, Coach.

- Oh, yeah, sure. - What the fuck.

Want to get something to eat?

I've been eating leftovers the last 40 years.

Hey, hey, hey! Slow down.

Cool your tool there, pizza boy.

Calm down.

I was trying my hand at crab shakes.

I'm no good at it,

but I did leave some back at the bar for you.

Oh, no. I'm good. Please. Come on.

I'll take some of that, though.

- There you go. - Yeah.

Put that thing away.

it's good to see you here.

Yeah.

got a scuff on your pants.

Yeah. Don't worry about it, all right?

You know, when we was kids

the old man used to take his crabbing down at the shore.

First thing, "Put on the coffee," he'd say.

"Put on the coffee and check the crab buckets."

And on the way out of port, we'd stop for fresh rolls

from Zabar's.

Ah. Put a smear of strawberry jam on them.

Then we'd watch the sun rise.

It was fucking magic.

And the crabbing season got shorter and shorter.

That didn't bother your grandfather.

Everyone else left the belt.

We stayed.

Oh.

Some years, we didn't have a pot to piss in.

but I never seen it this bad, Mick.

Ah, it's the Delaware, Pop.

Ah, Christ, the Delaware.

They taste just as good as they do from the Chesapeake.

From Trenton down, it's a garbage dump.

- I don't want to hear that shit. - Everyone knows

it's the garbage dump, right?

No one wants to eat anything out of it.

Listen to me.

Every day I drink a glass of water

from the Delaware. It's fine.

It's not fine. It's not.

Healthy crabs need fresh water.

- You hear me? - I told you I need a crew.

I can't do it myself.

There's money to be made out there.

Pop, the boat sat for a while.

It's... It... It's falling apart, okay?

The family's falling apart.

The pub's sunk. Dougal's wiped.

- I know. - No.

I know!

And I know

she left you the pub.

Here's what else I know.

A captain never abandons his ship.

Or his crew.

Come now, hmm?

I need your help.

You look good a little dirty.

Yeah, we're gonna need more boxes, dude.

I'm in love.

Oh, extra points for sacrilege.

Yeah.

What? Love is love.

Red on the head, fire in the hole.

That's the pizza dude.

What's up, motherfucker?

We going down the shore?

What the fuck. Where is everybody?

Fuck! That donkey dick is tearing it up.

Digits is not winning this thing.

He can't fuck like me.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

Carla.

Sure.

She's Darby Heights trash,

but none of us have ever banged her.

That's worth nine points.

And steal the show at the buzzer.

So, coming down the shore or what?

Only to dump this boat in the water.

- Oh, is that so, huh? - Yeah.

Also to, uh, dip your balls under that?

- Hey. - Hi.

You guys heading down to the shore?

These guys get a house at the shore every year.

- Really? - Yeah. They almost made it

to Sunday last year without getting thrown out.

This thing might sink before you get there.

Yeah, probably. You going down?

Um, I'm gonna stay at my dad's at Sea Isle.

- Ooh, Sea Isle's fancy. - Yeah.

No reason I can't work while I'm there.

- Maybe I'll see you there. - Maybe.

- All right. - Bye.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Bye-bye.

- Dougal! - Go, go, go, go, go!

Is that my pretzel?

Where do you think you're going?

- Wheels up! - I need to eat lunch.

You better get your ass back inside

and make me a fucking sandwich.

Oh, I got a sandwich for you right here.

Oh, you're a piece of shit.

- Fuck you! - Oh, missed it.

Fucking pretzel. Son of a bitch.

to the shore!

Avalon!

Pull over. Rhonda has to pee.

By the way, I know you can't afford Waze.

Where are we going? Where are we?

Come on, man, that was our exit.

You didn't score shit, by the way.

I promised Rhonda, here,

a weekend at the Jersey shore.

Here we go, boys.

Did you give me the right directions?

- This is it. - Yeah, this is it.

Right on the water.

We're... We're... That's a river, man.

That's not a... We're not at the shore.

Yeah. We're right on the water, just like I said.

- This is it. Okay. - It's a fucking highway, man.

Yeah, there's a beach out back.

Check it out. Yeah, that's of course.

It's like the sound of the ocean.

Yeah, we can bang a homeless man in a canoe.

This is... What the fuck is...

- It's an estuary. - This is what you got

from my fake dick problem?

That's the best your dick can do.

It's not my problem.

Don't look like the shore to me.

- It's kind of nice. - Where's the boardwalk?

What do you mean, nice? Look at that.

Nice and awful, you know.

He's got a baby inside.

The fucking highway's right there.

All right, here we go, fellas!

Here you go. Watch out for the crabbies.

They're gonna bite ya.

Ee!

I wish I was a pair of claws

scuttling across the floors...

Floors of silent seas.

The afternoons and the evenings,

sleeping peacefully,

smoothed by long fingers.

That was my mom's

favorite poem.

- Really? - That's insane.

And she could... She used to

tell it to us here at the beach.

You know, I have to say

I don't know why these guys resent me so much.

Maybe it's 'cause I have a shred of ambition.

What?

I mean,

those fucks are all the same.

- They are. - Are you finished yet?

- Actually I'm not. No. - Great.

I wanted to... You know why? 'Cause they're not finished.

Are you finished feeling sorry for yourself?

I mean, what about their problems?

The casino's gonna demolish us.

Demolish.

It's gonna

Demolish.

Remember this?

Is that my bracelet?

- Yeah. - You still have this?

Yeah. Can you believe that?

- You know I made this? - I know.

Oh, I loved doing these.

There's no need to rush.

You don't even know how to spell my last name yet.

- No one does, literally. - Oh, my God.

I don't think your parents know how to spell

Zu-zu-zu... All right.

You want to go back?

Oh, I can't. My dad's in town

and I promised I'd visit, so

But I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna go. Look, I'm going. Bye.

Yeah. Rubber duckie.

It's the biggest rubber duckie I've ever seen.

It's huge.

Aw, Whitey, hey, man,

uh, there's not enough legroom, really.

I think it's kind of too crowded in here

for another person, really,

'cause, I mean, I'd love to hang out with you

and everything, but, you know.

I don't want to go in there anyway.

I seen her eat a burrito earlier.

That's fine. I don't like to share anyway.

Rubber duckie's having fun.

Although I don't know about this guy.

You got to loosen up, man.

You know, double your pleasure, double your fun.

Why don't we go inside for a bite to eat?

Uh, b-bye.

Brought you something.

Fuck.

Here you go.

Ehh.

What is this, Vicodin or Viagra?

- Wow. - Take a look at your dick.

- You'll know. - Turn off the sun.

- It's too bright. - Viagra.

- Ooh. Sorry. - You got a hard-on?

- I got a headache. - What up, fucktards?

- Hey. How are you? - Aw, get off me.

- Ooh. - What the fuck is that?

- Yeah. - We had a good time

in the hot tub last night. Right?

Yeah. We sure did.

- That's right. See? - Huh?

You know, boys? I wanted no part

of your lurid little bet

till I heard Paddy dog me in the bathroom.

I swore to Christ that vengeance would be mine.

May I present the first-ever fully documented

Alabama hot pocket

with an oral twist?

- Oh, my God. - No!

- Yeah. - No.

What the fuck is he doing?

Oh, enough. Just...

Ew!

Oh, yeah. I've seen you do worse, Paddy.

- Carla, you are... - You're evil.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

And the first-ever

female winner of a fook-off contest.

Congratulations on shattering that glass ceiling.

To the victor goes the spoils.

I don't want that fucking tape.

Oh, it is mint. It's amazing.

Look at that. Cool.

It's Dougal.

Answer it.

Hey.

Where you at, little Shaft?

Don't want to miss my last hurrah

before my little vacay in County.

I'm going to dinner with Ali,

and I promise you, it is not your last hurrah.

Unbelievable. With the baby

and sentencing on the way and all.

- Traitor. - Ooh.

He's such an infant.

Just go. Have fun.

I am having fun.

Although his pregnant girlfriend is laying down the law.

You know what? maybe we should go together.

I'm not going. You know that's not my scene.

Besides, I can get a lot of work done.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Just I'm gonna have to get you another ice cream

- 'cause you're so - So sweet?

You are sweet.

- Yeah. - Vodka.

Hit it.

Try it out.

- Hey. - Ah!

- Hello! - Mick is in the fucking house!

- That's a goddamn entrance. - Yeah!

In honor of my brother today, I say l'chaim.

- Ah. - I'm sorry, Father.

What did I tell you? Right on the beach!

- Caw! - Hey, guys, I'm a cop.

Fuck the chauffeur.

Oh. Yeah.

What is that, Mexican sharing?

Don't touch my girl.

Don't touch my beer.

Seriously?

I am

Yeah!

- Ow. - Oh!

- Listen, I got to hold... - Hang on, you little fucker.

Ah. Hang on a second!

You're not... You're not...

You see, you always abandon us.

You always fucking abandon us.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

- Wow. - Oh, yeah. Look at this.

Ooh. Ow!

Wildcat.

Which one of you is Tasha?

It's Tacha.

Seamus!

Quick, put Savannah and Mary in with Mick.

Ali's coming. Go, go, go, go.

Miss

Seamus.

Oh. Nice work.

Oh, hey, sugar tits.

Dougal, where's Seamus?

To the left, the left. Your bachelor's on the left.

Ouch! Aah!

Wow.

- Hey, asshole. - Hey.

Hi. Having fun?

- Yeah. - Whee!

Well, guess what.

Steve's about to raze Callahan's,

and I don't know why I thought

someone around here might give a shit.

- No, no, no. Hey. - You deal with it.

No, no, no. What... Ali!

Fuck.

Ali. Hey.

A... Come here.

Ali. Ali. Ali, come here.

Hey, come here. Hold on a second.

I don't know what you thought that was.

That wasn't... Come on.

- I wouldn't... - No?

You wanted me to come here.

You know what they did.

Come on. You really think that I was

- What? No? - I was... No!

Oh, it looked pretty clear to me.

You know, you talk so much shit about your brother,

but at least he doesn't pull any punches, all right?

What you see is what you get.

I

You know the pub is gone?

- What? - Your boss took over the pub.

How is that even possible?

'Cause your dad defaulted on the mortgage!

And all those petitions signed?

Delvecchio, he controls it all.

Did you guys never read the fine print,

neither of you, on the mortgage

that you commissioned?

I know... I know Steve's a creep,

but I think he's right about you.

I don't think the neighborhood is the problem.

I think you're the problem.

Okay.

- Ali, no, no, no. - No. Stop it.

Hey, crew boy, slow down, you little shit bags,

and follow the posted speed limit!

Whoo! Guess what.

Your boy fucking did the impossible.

- I fucking got this. - Got what?

Crabs, probably.

I bagged the fucking Yeti.

Ali knows 'cause she heard Eddie go.

But no points for hookers.

They weren't hookers, asshole.

They were fucking the ladies choir

of fucking Darby Heights, okay?

And one of them is in an early stage divorce,

and the other one is transitioning.

And I'm fine with all of it.

And I just hope to God I was like.

- And her friend... - Was that you or her?

tongue-darted my asshole.

Bullshit. She doesn't exist.

Yo.

Dude, come on, man.

If a tree falls in the woods,

like this fucker.

Look at this fucking

- Sack. - We signed this petition

thinking it was helping you, Mickey.

It's helping all of us, okay?

- I did you a favor. - Oh, come on.

Oh, yeah, by losing our fucking houses?

Fuck we supposed to go? Our lives in the Heights.

You should be fucking thanking me!

Oh, yeah? Give me a fucking break.

Who's gonna buy a piece of shit house

in the Heights? Think about it.

What makes you think we want to go anywhere?

Did you ever think about that?

What is the fuck wrong with you?

Do something with your fucking lives!

Get the fuck out of here.

Boot your ass back to Rittenhouse.

Fucking people over.

That's not who I am.

It's not how I was raised.

Mm.

you know, Emerson once said,

"To be yourself in a world

constantly trying to make you someone else

is the greatest achievement."

Hmm.

I just want to go crabbing with my dad.

- Huh. - Then go to the boat, Mick,

and free yourself. Open yourself up

to the love that's available for your now.

Here. Let us emanate your destiny

through vibration, shall we?

Mm, baba kai.

Baba kai.

S'il vous plait.

S'il vous plait.

Namaste.

Namaste.

Very good.

- All right. - Very good.

- Thank you. - That'll be 250

- with the chanting. - 250.

Hmm. Seems like too much.

Never throw the first punch. Always throw the last one.

Make sure they never see it coming.

Public vulnerability will get you punked in the clink.

Do not cry. Do not show fear.

Hell, don't even urinate

any more than is absolutely necessary.

Come on.

What the...

You fucker. You kids.

Condoms?

Jesus!

Oh, my God, man! Come on!

Yo, but seriously, I don't like jail.

There's the wrong kind of boys in there.

Are you...

fucking condoms?

It's what I should have used with your mother.

Yo, Ali!

Yo, Ali.

I just want to apologize for the other night.

Look, I'm caught between the shit and the wind here.

I want to set the record straight.

Look at that. They won't let each other go.

You're gonna need a manicure.

That ain't all, Pops.

Watch out. You got clean crabs.

You couldn't leave it alone, huh?

Couldn't take that I'm fucking happy.

Ah, you should be thanking me.

Thanking you? Thanking you for what?

For fucking what, you degenerate?

You can't even take care of yourself.

I'm supposed to take advice from you?

At least I know where I'm from. Son of no one.

Why, you fucking... I'll throw you off this fucking boat.

Yeah. Do it. Do it. That's the Mick I miss.

My last time in the clink, I hoped like hell

they would have sold the Bucket and moved out of the Heights.

But you know what? They didn't.

Pops be in a better spot, maybe Mom would still be here.

So what are you gonna do this time

- when they lock me up, huh? - What I always do, all right?

I'm gonna prop you fuckers up,

and then I'm gonna go work for the man.

You're smarter than that. You should be working for yourself.

All right? There's plenty of things we could do

if we utilize the skills of our boys in the Bucket.

I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done.

You know, your girl's got the cojones

to stand up to Kelly and your douchebag boss.

She got more Heights in her than you do.

Mick, he's scared. Huh?

Ahh.

- I noticed... What's going on? - I hope you're happy.

- W-What do you mean? - I lost my business.

No, no, no. Hold on a second. I-I

The mortgage ballooned.

Kelly came in and called it, and now we have to leave.

I... Hold on a second.

- No, no, he... - You promised.

I know I did.

We built this place from scratch.

I know... I know it's not much, but it's ours.

- I... - It's ours.

- I want you to know... - I wanted

to give this to my kids,

and now... now it's gone.

- You promised. - I know I did.

I believed you. Just... Just leave.

- No, no. - Don't... Leave!

I want you to know something.

That I had nothing to do with this, okay?

Just leave!

You sold out the whole neighborhood, huh?

- That was going in. - No, it wasn't.

who the fuck did you pay off at City Hall?

- What are you talking about? - You and Delvecchio

are doing some shady shit right now.

It never goes down this fast.

I can't help you, Mickey.

You're not gonna give me anything, huh?

Nothing. You're fucking pathetic.

That casino was never being built.

What are you talking about?

Fraud, basically.

Those houses were never in jeopardy,

but he'll use them to get another loan,

fund his lifestyle, buy a yacht.

Do your homework. He does this shit all the time.

You know, you and I are the same people, Mickey.

- No, we're not. - Sons of immigrants,

turning a blind eye as we forge ahead.

Do you think I like being the guy

everyone hates in the hood?

I'm just trying to make a buck,

just like you.

So

I don't know what you want from me,

but

You could either just take the money

and be done with it all,

or I don't know.

Take the fall with them.

Well, it's about fucking time.

Sorry. I was pouring water out of my boots.

You know what? I found the instructions.

They were in my heel the whole time.

What?

- The signatures. - Yeah.

- Excellent. - Wire frauds, mostly,

with some, uh, racketeering and tax evasion

sprinkled in for good measure.

All right, this is bullshit.

Your boy Kelly... You're right. He's a good builder,

but you know what he's even better at? Singing.

He can hit the fucking high notes.

Stupid bastard.

Madoff-level crimes, man.

Federal offenses.

Let me tell you something, boyo.

If I go down, we all go down, including you.

Yeah. I already prepared for that.

I got friends on the inside, but, you know, you?

You're a big fish.

And the fish stinks from the head down.

If you want me, you know where to find me.

Damn it.

Car, car! C-A-R!

Son of a bitch.

Yeah, let him get hit.

And clear.

They got you yet again, huh?

Yeah, my kid and his shitbag buddies.

That's flattering. I don't know if you have that type of girth.

It's... It's close to accurate.

The future of Darby Heights is a pathetic mess, isn't it?

- Tell me about it. - Yeah.

Anyway, your brother ever show up for that warrant?

Probably not.

You still friends with that guy Lombardo?

Marto Lombardo.

- Lombardo from Huey Street? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I know him.

I heard he became a fed.

Yeah, I know him.

He's some kind of big bullshit now.

What's this?

That, my friend,

is the biggest collar you'll ever make.

Yeah, right.

Want to be the hero of Darby Heights?

Holy shit.

The great Sun Tzu said, "The art of war is

to subdue the enemy

without fighting."

- No fighting? - Pussy.

- Sun who? - S... Forget it.

Fuck you doing here, traitor?

Look, I piss and moan about being back in the Bucket,

and the reality is

I had it ass-backwards.

You been at sea too long.

No, no, no. Seriously.

I'm going to save Darby Heights.

No shit, genius.

Operation Save the Hood's already in motion.

- Right here. - Good old-fashioned blackmail.

I'm gonna save the Heights.

That was easy, huh?

Knock down one, put up ten.

Mr. Delvecchio.

Uh

Special Agent Williams.

That's Agent Lomardo.

You're under arrest.

Arrest? No, no, no, no.

you got it all wrong.

For embezzlement, fraud.

Fraud? I'm going on vacation.

Oh, yeah. You're going on vacation, all right.

Oh, son of a bitch!

Thought you had Darby Heights figured out, huh?

Yeah, figure this out, you jack-off.

Fucking get in the car.

Stick it up your ass, stupid rent-a-cop.

Right. Don't drop the soap, you fat bastard.

- Get in the car. - Soap on a rope.

Yeah, okay. Good job, Seville.

- Uh-huh. - Thanks a lot, Lombardo.

Call my wife.

I'm still a prick, though.

Do you even know what you're doing?

I have no idea, or else I wouldn't be hanging out

with the likes of you.

Just put your fucking screwdriver in there,

- and I'll turn it over. - Okay, boys,

I guess that's last call on the Delfuckio.

Mick, I don't know what to say.

You have a thicker skinned dildo

than I ever gave you credit for.

You coming in for a session?

Give me a minute.

Trying it. Put your tool in there

or whatever the hell you're using.

Screwdriver.

Maybe you want to bring him back for some baklava?

Hey, have fun.

I'm sorry about...

I am sorry about that night, seriously.

Thank you. Same.

- I talked to Dougal. - Oh.

I know a way that we can earn more bonus points,

if you're game.

Madam.

Beware.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, don't do that in front of me.

All right. Copy that, Coach.

- Never again. - All right. Fair enough.

Never again. It's sick.

You're sick. Try this thing again.

Tried it until my pants...

When's the last time anyone tried to kiss you?

I live on Altoids, bud.

All right, then give us a kiss. Come.

All these Irish are drunks and a little gay.

- What's wrong with that? - Maybe.

And freckles all over.

You know something I just realized?

You look like that guy on The Outback & Under.

About the dogs

or whatever it's about.

Yeah.

Oh, babies.

- Peace and quiet. - Ah.

All I wanted nine months ago

was a little peace and some quiet.

Whoa. Twins look good on you.

Ah, fuck off.

When the doctor said there was another head up there,

I was like, "Grabbing a two-headed kid?"

'Cause it'll always be a ball.

It was a strike.

Can we just watch the tape

before these kids are old age?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm working hard over here.

Always be a fucking ball.

It was a strike. Watch.

Way to go, Jim!

Go, go, go! Don't swing, don't swing!

- Don't swing! - Yo, yo, yo.

Yes! Fuck me like a jackhammer!

- Aah! - Da!

Ahh!

I dropped my fucking glasses.

Mom?

Ah!

Ugh.

Oh, that looks like Arby's

Ah. Ahh.

Ah, you did it.