Original subtitles

[insects chirping]

[eerie music]

* *

- [gasps]

[cheery vocal music]

* *

- And the Lord said, "Those who desire

"to be rich fall into temptation, into ruin,

and destruction."

"For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evils.

"And it is through this craving that

"some have wandered from the faith

and pierced themselves with many pangs."

You are so right, Saint Timothy.

You are so right.

I am pierced with pangs, that's for sure.

So many pangs.

* *

[motorcycle engines revving]

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Daisy, guests are here.

Stay inside.

Wow.

Y'all like to wake up early, huh?

[motorcycle engines revving]

Oh, more guys to the party.

I like it.

So guys, look, I am so glad that you came out here

because I have had the hardest time

trying to get a hold of you.

I'm gonna be straight with you.

I'm having the teeniest little cash flow problem.

I mean, it happens with every business, right?

I'm gonna get you your money.

In fact, I'm gonna get you more.

Consider it my penance for making you come

all the way out here yet again.

- It sounds like you're yanking my chain.

- Finally, a phrase that I understand.

No. Heaven forbid.

I would never do that to you.

I've got five grand in cash right here, right now.

As for the other 45, I'm gonna give you 100% interest.

That's 90K straight up.

- When?

- Later today.

- Cash?

- Chop-chop. - Ch--[laughs]

* *

Daisy, is that you?

- Andy. Ryan.

- Look at you all grown up.

How's the old man?

- Loving life.

- That's good.

All right, Rev, your lucky day, eh?

Seeing as you're a mate of Daisy's,

Ryan-O here, he's gonna take your deal.

- Good.

- So we'll come back at say, uh, 5:00.

You make sure all of that, uh, leaf is ready to go, right?

- Sounds good, except, let's not do it here, yeah?

It's like Michigan Avenue at Christmas time.

Duncan's Road, 6 p.m.

* *

There you go.

- If you're not there... - I'll be there.

- If you're not,

there's no special favors, priest.

Yeah, 'cause we'll feed you to the crocs.

Won't we, Daise?

Hey, priest, don't be late.

- I'll see you guys there.

[engines revving]

What happened to staying inside?

- You're welcome.

[pensive music]

* *

- Where are you going?

[groans]

- I was trying not to wake you.

I'm heading back to Grace's.

- What?

We just did--

I thought we were back on track.

* *

- Peter...

I had a magical night last night.

Maybe we can do again soon,

but I don't want to fall back

into old routines.

- I don't want to be my wife's one-night stand.

- Was it really that bad?

* *

- Why aren't you freaking out?

- I have for you, Adam and Eve on a raft,

a couple of zeppelins, love apples on the side.

And they are all walked through the garden.

- I literally have no idea what you just said.

- Welcome to my world.

So how about you tell me how a 16-year-old knows how

to disassemble a shotgun like a pro

and is somehow on a first name basis with a gang of bikers?

- Customers of my dad.

- Guessing that he didn't run the local supermarket?

- Glocks, Browning 9-mils, rifles, over-unders.

His specialty was sawn-off shotties.

- Hence, you turning up with a shotgun this morning.

- I've been keeping it under my bed for a special occasion.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

- So that explains the extended vacation.

- So what crazy thing did you promise them?

- A bunch of the chop-chop by tonight,

which means that I have got to dig into the cellar.

- It's not your tobacco to dig into.

- Well, I think I'd rather have Agnes

pissed off than the bikies.

- I'm happy to deliver it.

- No.

Absolutely not.

I will be fine on my own, really.

- Seriously, I used to help my dad all the time.

He wouldn't have won father of the year,

but he taught me some handy life skills.

It's a good thing I didn't need to use this.

It needs some oil and a new extractor.

We're meeting them at 6:00, yeah?

[horn honking "La Cucaracha"]

That's my ride.

Thanks for brekkie.

- Where you going?

- Specialists in Paradise Cove.

Scans are back.

- How you feeling?

- Just over it.

Need some answers.

- Yep.

- Come on, Daisy.

Rattle your dags.

- Morning, Grace. - Hey, Rev.

- Digging your car horn.

- We all could do with a bit more music in our lives.

- Hey, this specialist, what's the worst case?

* *

She deserves some luck, doesn't she?

- Forget about luck.

You get praying, Rev. Talk to that boss of yours.

Come on.

* *

- Oop. Uh, yeah, sorry.

Didn't mean to disturb you, uh, Your Excellency.

- Reverend.

Must feel like such a blessing,

praying in this glorious sanctuary every day.

Just you and God. - Yeah. Yeah, no.

It is such a blessing when I pray.

- Why don't you join me?

- Sure, why not?

- [clears throat]

- Okay.

- I have something to confess.

I came back to Clump to discuss the sale of this church.

- Yeah, I figured that might be it.

- Hasn't been an easy decision to make.

You know, I've worked very hard to become a bishop.

Thought the higher up the church ranks I rose,

the closer to God I'd be.

The truth is, now I make decisions that affect

thousands of parishioners every day,

and I rarely actually get to speak to any of them anymore.

- I mean, honestly, it's overrated.

- You deflect well.

Humor is your shield.

But I know you're not who you pretend to be.

- I'm not? - [laughs] No.

You're the worst minister I've ever met.

You have scant knowledge of the scripture,

you wouldn't know a psalm if you tripped over one,

and you're a compulsive liar.

- Wow. Uh, I may not be perfect, but--

- You have filled the church, yes.

But with delinquents and criminals

and people with no interest in God.

- Seriously, Bishop, you can't sell this church out

from under the people of Clump

just because of what I'm not.

- You know what really irritates me?

Somehow, you are closer to God than I fear I will ever be.

- I'm sorry. What?

- You live Christ's great lesson.

Embracing the outsiders.

Yesterday, I heard you speak to them

in some sort of street-smart gospel gobbledygook.

God knows how anyone understands you, but they do.

- Could work on my gobbledygook.

- No.

Please don't.

Your gobbledygook is exactly the reason why

I am not selling this church.

- I--I'm sorry.

You--you're not selling?

- Yesterday, you opened my eyes and restored

my faith in this little place.

- Phew.

Man, thank you.

Peter and the people of Clump are just gonna be

over the moon about that.

I--we all will.

- He'll be all right.

Just needs a moment to process.

- Lester's been waiting for the church

to close for years so he can buy the land.

- I hope he's not too disappointed.

It's just a phone tower.

- No phone tower, no internet, no tourists.

- And the church site is really the only place

it can be built?

- The only other place in the path of a satellite

that isn't a marine sanctuary 50% of the day.

And the Traders Association's

already purchased all the hardware.

A year of chook raffles and sausage sizzles.

- Oh, and they store all the wretched contraptions

in our spare room.

I have nowhere to do my Pilates.

- Well, I warned Lester that the reverend

was a lightning rod from America.

- Yeah, the church has never been busier.

- No, to be honest, no one could have predicted that.

- Defies logic, really. Hand of God stuff.

- Yes, the reverend has performed

a miracle right here in Clump.

Ope, here we go.

- Excellency, Peter.

- Lester.

- Could I run through our plan B for you?

- You've got a plan B? - Plan B?

- First rule of business, you always have a plan B.

- You told me the first rule was

never take no for an answer.

- Well, clearly, we've moved past that position,

haven't we?

- Well, you are not gonna store

your plan B in my spare room.

I thought the first rule of business

was don't talk about business.

- Can you please just work with me for once?

Your Excellency, what do you say?

Plan B.

- What is it?

[pensive music]

* *

- Hey, Rev. - Ah!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Dude, don't you know how to knock?

Were you born in a tent or something?

- No. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Uh, technically, yeah.

How did you know?

Yeah, and sorry.

The bikies. The bikies are back.

- Okay.

- So I'm hanging around the beach bar and then--

- Okay. - I think they're gonna--

They're gonna break my legs.

- No, dude.

Well, uh, probably not.

Look, uh, you'll be fine as long

as you stay out of their way like I told you to.

Yeah? You know what?

I've actually got a little job for you.

I need you to help me cut this safe up into small pieces.

About yea big.

- Okay. Yeah.

- Good. All right.

And I'm gonna need you to keep this afternoon free.

Okay?

But before that, there's a little appointment

that's supposed to happen here in the church.

So what I'm gonna do is go make sure that they don't come in.

So just wait a few minutes before you start cutting.

Yeah? - Yeah.

- Great. - Cool.

All right.

Thanks, Rev. - Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

- This'll be good, right? - Yes.

- [laughs] This looks serious.

Is this the birds and the bees talk?

- Come on, brother. That horse has bolted.

Can I have a coffee, please? - Yeah, same, Harry.

- Uh, beer for me, please, mate.

- Coming up. - Hey, guys.

This is better than the manse, right?

I mean, it's a little more relaxing.

We can chat.

- Hey. Over here.

- You want me to bark or piss on your leg?

- Local comedian?

- Yeah, he makes us smile.

You're not enjoying yourselves?

- I could smell bacon.

- Definitely. - Yeah.

I swear I can smell bacon.

- That old chestnut.

- You know, I don't need pork, love, but gee whiz,

I'd make an exception for that. - Oi.

- Hey, you know who else didn't eat pork?

Jesus. - Wow.

- Yeah, I know.

He--you know, in addition to being Christ,

he was Jewish, so he didn't eat pork, right?

I'm gonna guess that you guys didn't know that, right?

You mind if I join you? I'm gonna join you.

Yeah, this will be fun.

A lot of people, they get caught up

on the question of whether or not he was a God

or a man, right? And the church isn't helping.

I mean, we call him a Messiah, the Savior, the Lamb of God,

the Light of the World. He was the King of the Jews.

He was a Lord. He was a Master. - I'd love to chat, priest,

but we got to get moving. Let's go.

- I know you guys are believers, right?

So any time on a Sunday you want to drop by, I am free.

My door is open.

See you guys.

Is it something that I said?

- Never underestimate how annoying you can be.

- Hmm.

* *

What's that?

- Pay day.

- Daisy, come on in.

So Daisy, how have you been?

- Good.

- I have asked you in today--

- I've got cancer, haven't I?

- Oh, no. Not cancer.

There's no signs of tumors or cysts

of any kind, which is really good news.

- So it's--it's-- it's all in my head?

I'm crazy.

- No, Daisy.

The pain isn't imaginary.

It's very real.

I think you have a condition called endometriosis.

Do you know what that is?

It's where tissue very similar to the lining of the uterus

grows outside the uterus,

and it can be extremely painful.

The only way for me to confirm that diagnosis,

though, is with an operation.

It could be anything from $5,000 to $10,000.

Or we could put you in the public system,

and I can put you on the waiting list.

I won't lie to you.

It could be years.

Endo is considered elective surgery.

[pensive music]

- It shouldn't be too hard.

Splice it to the thingamajig and brace it

with a couple of whatsits and, yeah, Bob's your uncle.

- Clear as mud, as usual.

- See, that's why you're logistics and I'm strategy.

- Hey, folks.

What are we doing?

- Oh, we're just gonna give your cross

a bit of a makeover.

- Oh, well, it's just a short stick and a long stick.

It has been for--

I don't know-- a couple thousand years.

Doesn't really need a makeover, does it?

- Yeah, well, we're making it bigger, more impressive.

- Oh.

- Then we can get our cell transmitter up there.

[mischievous music]

- Cell transmitter?

- Yep.

Bring Clump into the 21st century.

We can finally have some internet access after--

Spock, when was the internet invented?

- Uh, depends if you mean, um, the internet

or if you mean the world wide web, or--

- Okay. Just a date.

- 1991.

- Right, so finally, after 30 years

of being behind the rest of the world,

this is our chance to catch up. - I don't know.

I mean, I think it's really kind of nice here, right?

I mean, it's not like you're missing much out there.

- Don't you wanna keep in touch with all your friends

and family in Chicago?

- Oh, well, yeah, I mean, obviously--

but look, I don't want to burst anybody's bubble here,

but I really should check in with the bishop.

- Oh, she's already given it the green light.

She'll be online this evening.

- This evening?

Yeah--that--that--wow.

You guys move fast.

- Yep.

This evening, we broadcast Clump to the world.

- Great.

* *

- Have you got the hots for me or something?

- You wish.

What's with firearms in the car?

- Shooting pigs.

You know, we, uh, heard there's feral one around here

giving the farmers a hard time.

- You got a license for those?

- Oh, nice photo.

So Andrew, where's your dog?

- What dog?

- No sane person goes spotlighting

without a pig dog.

- See, mate, I knew we forgot something.

* *

- I'd watch out for that feral pig, if I were you.

She's deadly.

- Oh, hey. - Hey.

- You, uh, stocking up on strike supplies?

- The strike is done.

Yeah, we took the mill's last offer.

- Wow.

- I mean, you saw the difference in everyone

when they got their pay packets.

- Yeah, I'm sure the money made a difference.

But it's a good deal, and you guys got it

because of what you started.

You did that. Seriously.

- Thank you.

- I'm sure everybody's gonna be buying your drinks tonight.

- I don't know if everyone wants

to buy me a drink right now.

- Right.

I heard you and Piper got into a bit of a brawl.

- Mm.

- Well, look, maybe she's just, um, preoccupied by something.

- Yeah. Or someone.

[pensive music]

Come on. You cannot be that blind.

* *

- Yoo-hoo.

- Oh, hey.

- Hello.

Good to see you rebounding.

- No, no, no, no. We're not--

- Oh, no judgment.

I met my wife on the rebound,

and we've been together ten years.

- I think that's great, but we're--you know what?

Never mind. Um, I just spoke to Lester.

- Great.

The satellite's going to be brilliant for the community.

- No, I just think that it--

I think it sends the wrong message.

You know, that--that the church can somehow be bought.

- You have heard of the Crusades, right?

Anyway, the local TV station would like

to interview you today at the launch.

- Me?

Um, no.

No, no, I--

it's just that I'm a little camera shy.

- Rebel Reverend Saves Local Church.

It's the feel-good story of the year.

You'll be all right.

- This is the guy. Andrew Morrow.

I think he had something to do with the mill robbery.

- Do you ever switch off, Baramah?

- That's a negative.

Listen, bikies in town.

He looks like their leader.

Does his name ring a bell to you?

- No.

- He's got a list of priors, including--get this.

Ripped off a gym, broke into the safe.

- That could be a coincidence.

- Bikies had a pay slip from the mill.

- So what's the plan?

- Keep an eye on them.

Wait till they screw up. - Good. Good.

I got to get back to Paradise Cove.

Goodbye drinks for someone I didn't even know worked for me.

Cheers for the cuppa. - Yeah.

- Keep me in the loop, yeah?

- Will do.

- Hey, don't do anything stupid.

Take that as a blanket order.

- Copy that.

[mischievous music]

* *

- Boss, you know, it hasn't been confirmed

100% yet, right?

But, uh, Jesus was definitely a visitor from outer space.

- What?

- You trying to get us struck down by lightning?

- Well, think about it, right? His halo.

Big, round thing around his head.

Looks exactly like a space helmet.

- And you're sure it can bear the weight?

You did check, Ron?

- Listen, love, when you're as experienced as I am,

you don't need to check the size.

- Uh, no, Ron.

I--I think you do.

- Load bearing capacity, wind force.

I don't measure these, I feel them.

- It's fine. I have every faith.

- Oh, you haven't seen our pergola.

[pensive music]

[footsteps]

- [sighs]

* *

- What?

- Just wondering how the doctor went.

- Fine.

- All right, well, good then.

I have got something you can help me with.

- I'm busy.

- Well, yeah--ye--

it's probably a little dangerous

for a teenage girl anyway.

So yeah.

- What?

- Lovely. - Come on, Spock.

Put a bit of beef into it.

- I think I might need you to pick up the end.

- Ease up on him, Ron. - All right, it's got a wheel.

- Yeah. - I put a wheel on it.

- It's 'cause you're vegan.

[curious music]

* *

- All right, here's the last one.

- Agnes is not gonna be happy.

- Well, we'll sort out the bikers first,

and then we will worry about Agnes, yeah?

- It's quite heavy.

- You ever get tired of faking it?

All those balls in the air and just think, what the hell?

I'll let them drop.

- Yeah, sure it happens.

That's what I got you for, though, right?

Catch the ones that I miss.

- Just here in the--

- Yep, just-- I'll show you where.

Careful. Careful. - You bend your bloody knees.

- [grunts] Straight. - For God's sake, you need to--

- Wow. You--you guys weren't kidding.

- Well, I don't know.

I--the whole world will know what's going on in Clump.

- Even in Chicago.

- Uh, look, I'm gonna leave you guys to it, yeah?

We will be back.

- Well, you better pull your finger out, Rev.

You don't want to miss the show.

- Yeah, sure. Yeah. - All right.

- All right, let's move this thing.

- Okay.

Just let it down gently.

Gently, gently, gently, gently! - Mind my--

- That's the wrong side.

- Go on, take all the weight.

[upbeat music]

[engine revving]

* *

[soft suspenseful music]

* *

- Everything all right, Cam?

- Yeah. No.

Uh, yeah, sort of. Yeah.

- What is it?

- Um, it's--uh, it's--

it's probably nothing.

But you know the bikies at the caravan park?

- What about them?

- Yeah, they just went to go meet someone.

- Okay.

- And they--and they had guns.

And like, they were drinking heaps.

- Did they say where they were going?

- No, not--not exactly.

They asked me where Duncan's Road was, so--so--

- They come back to the caravan park,

you make yourself scarce, all right?

- Yeah.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Clump to Paradise Cove.

I'm attending a possible 1-2-1 in progress on Duncan's Road.

Suspects are... - Wait. Hold on.

Is this the mill safe thing you were just observing?

- These guys are armed and dangerous.

I'm gonna need backup.

- Okay, but you do not engage before backup arrives.

You understand? No heroics, Pipe.

- Yep, copy.

Cam. - Yeah.

- Go directly home.

- Oh, yeah. Now?

- Now. - Yeah, okay. All right.

[soft suspenseful music]

- Hey, guys.

Oh, come on.

You don't need those.

* *

Yeah.

So, hey, look, I know you guys get a lot of bad press.

But in my experience, you guys are really punctual.

- Tell me there's no stiff in there?

- Not yet.

Still time.

Hey, how was that drive up, huh?

I mean, are you kidding me?

It's so lush and beautiful.

You really feel like you're in God's country right?

And he-- - Yeah, kumbaya.

- He built that thing in-- - Praise the Lord.

- Yeah. - Let's have a look, eh?

- That's all ten boxes.

* *

I'm gonna let you have your own little private sniff.

So are we good?

- Yeah, we're good, Rev.

- All right.

So any time you guys want to join in on Sunday,

be my guest.

I mean, seriously, you look like you enjoy bread.

You look like you enjoy wine.

- Looking forward to it.

- Watch your toes.

* *

All right, all clear.

How'd it go?

- Um, all sorted.

- Here we go.

Right on time.

- I told you you could trust Cam.

Everyone underestimates him.

- Everyone, including Cam.

- Yeah.

- Where's her backup?

Come on.

There's four of those assholes there.

Surely, she must have called for backup.

* *

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Police! Hands where I can see them.

Don't move!

[guns clicking] - Ah.

[gunshot] Jesus!

- Come on. Hands behind your back.

And back against the wheel!

- Ugh.

It's your lucky day, you know that?

[organ playing]

- Oi, Ma. Can we get the internet?

- And what, so you two can end up

on a government watch list? I don't think so.

- We could do online dating.

Will you, um--you help me do a profile?

- Yep. Easy as, yeah. 195 centimeters, brown hair,

face like a dropped pie. No worries.

- I'm serious. I want to meet someone.

My heart yearns.

It yearns.

- Mike, you realize they hook you up with other locals?

- Yeah, you better be careful. Could be your cousin.

- Right, so what's the point of the internet?

- Good afternoon, everyone.

- Everyone, the bishop.

- Hello. Hello.

[applause]

- Ready when you are, Your Excellency.

- Thank you.

- If you wouldn't mind doing the honors,

Your Royal Excellency.

- Well, I would love to.

- Thank you.

- Up you go.

- Piper to Paradise.

Where's my backup?

[suspenseful music]

* *

[gun clatters]

- [groans, chokes]

* *

[gun clicks]

[gun clicks]

[gun clicks]

[glass thuds]

[organ music playing]

[applause]

- Geez, it's big.

- Always with a hat.

- But where is the reverend?

Why isn't he here?

- Oh, he took off a while ago.

He will be coming.

- Yeah, so's Christmas.

- Oh, look at that.

Whoa. Whoa!

Whoa. Come on. Great!

[applause]

[suspenseful music]

* *

- What are you gonna do, huh?

Shoot me?

[sirens wailing]

- Three. This way.

[light hopeful music]

- This is it now.

So he's just getting those bits.

- Yes.

- They're the things you put together.

- Oh, wow. They look impressive.

Thank you.

- Wait, uh, is it just me,

or is it leaning a bit to the left?

- No. - You sure?

- I think it's leaning a little bit to the left.

- I've never been more certain.

- Yeah. No, I think he's right.

- Oh, Christ on a bike, Margie!

- That cross is not coming down in 100 years.

- And where on Earth could he be?

- No idea. - You know the rev.

He'll be late for his own funeral.

- This is embarrassing.

Cove TV are waiting to interview him.

I practically had to beg them to come.

- Happy to step into the breach, Your Excellency.

As president of the Clump Church Council,

I speak regularly in public. It would be an honor.

- Yeah, I think that we'll just proceed.

We've waited long enough. - Right you are.

- All right, ready, everyone?

- Yeah.

all: Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one!

- And the Lord said, "Let there be light."

Oh, crikey.

Can you--

[cheers and applause]

[exciting music]

* *

- Oh, I got a message.

[phones ringing] [indistinct chatter]

- Press a button and it's on the YouTube.

- Mum! Mum, they're not mine.

Look. Look.

- They look like your balls.

- Tell me they're not your ginger balls.

* *

- Hey, Rev.

- Hey, guys.

- Fish are biting, Rev!

- Yeah, good to hear.

- I can't believe Spock got it to work.

- Yep.

It's a miracle.

- Hey. Is everything okay?

Did Piper get them?

- You did great, kid.

- Might be my turn to shout fish and chips.

- Sweet.

[apprehensive music]

* *

[suspenseful music]

* *

[indistinct radio chatter]

- We'll transfer them to Paradise Cove later.

Make sure we fingerprint all the firearms,

and the banana tool.

Most important, okay?

- Baramah! Oi, you all right?

They told me someone shot at you.

- I'm fine. Really.

Bulletproof.

- I got held up with some bloody--

Oi. You wrapped these guys up on your own?

- There was someone else.

Kept me alive then took off.

- Did you get a good look at him?

- Too fast.

- Right.

We'll talk about you disobeying my order at a later date.

But for now, just tell me what you got.

- Uh, 100-plus kilos. And get this.

The boxes have a piece of safe in every one of them too.

- Mill safe?

- Weird, right?

- Don't look a gift horse, Constable.

- Found this in their ute.

What's the bet these bills match the mill payroll?

- That's, uh, good work.

- Yep.

- I just want to know who your guardian angel was

'cause I owe him, big time.

- Me too.

Me too.

Guys, bag that one.

* *

[pensive music]

* *

[knock at door]

- Can I come in?

- Sure.

- You okay?

I know today was a lot.

- I'm all right.

Are we safe here?

- Yeah, we're good.

Piper didn't see anything.

- What about Andy and Ryan?

It's only a matter of time before they dob you in,

and if they don't get you, the internet will.

I mean, we paid them off.

Wouldn't it have been easier just to let them go?

- No.

People like that keep coming.

And Piper wasn't giving up on the safe investigation

until she had her man.

So two birds with one teenage firearm saboteur.

Listen, you did good today.

You saved Piper's life, you saved mine.

You should be proud of yourself.

- Just lucky that the glue worked.

You know, when I heard the gunshot at the plantation,

I thought I missed-- - I had faith.

In you.

* *

Listen, don't worry about Andy and Ryan, yeah?

They're not gonna say anything to the cops.

They're the kind of assholes who'd rather

deal with me face to face.

- How is that any better?

- Um, because thanks to you, we're not gonna be

seeing them for a few years.

By that time, you'll be in Paris.

Bon nuit, mon ami.

* *

[suspenseful music]

* *