Original subtitles

- You're only making this harder on yourself mate.

- You'll never take me alive.

- Come on mate, keep up. - I'm trying.

- My feet are killing me.

I've seen 20 bloody flats already this week.

- Yeah, I'm sorry you can't use my spare room,

I need it for my home gym.

- It's clearly working.

- Oh!

Gotcha.

- Nice one, Fran.

Run again and I'll shoot you.

- Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?

I'm serving a Mafia mate.

You kill me, someone will come after you.

- Who, Long John Silver? - Crazy, no.

- What are you doing?

- Head shot. - His heads not up there, mate.

He's not ten foot tall. - You sure?

- Honestly.

See.

- Wait, I'll cut in on our next shipment full of steroids.

Worth a fortune. - So where is the head then?

- Surprise, bitches.

- 'Bout there.

♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪

♪ Don't you want me, Oh ♪

- Oh, oh, oh. Found it.

- Oh my god. Stonely High class of 89 reunion.

- Woo hoo.

Oh, my gosh.

- I am so excited that you've actually allowed

us to go to one of these things.

- You know what? I'm actually looking forward to it, you know

we've got the jobs rolling in. - Yeah we've got some proper dosh at last.

Exactly. Thank you very much.

God, who would've thought we'd be rocking up to our old

school in a Mercedes B Class. - Yes.

- We've come a long way from those two girls who left

that place with just an A level and three STDs between them.

- Oh, my God.

- Do you think Danny Kemp's gonna be there tonight?

He was so freaking hot. - Hot? Are you serious?

Wasn't he the guy that had a danger wank at the back of RE?

- What can I say? I've always liked a bad boy.

- Oh, here we are mate.

Let's give it the old salute.

- Oh.

- It's gonna be so nice

to just have one night where we can just have some fun

and not worry about getting our heads blown off.

- As Danny Kemp yelled at the black of RE, "Amen!"

One more time, what do we do for a living?

- Okay, we definitely don't kill people for a living.

We work in security. - Exactly.

- It's fake but cool.

And just a slight hint of danger.

- And in our downtime we breed and train pedigree dogs.

- What? I didn't sign off on that bit.

- Oh, yes. I still hold the record

for the school shot put. - It's all flooding back.

The bunking off, the cheeky .

That time you got so nervous that you

pissed yourself on stage during Oliver.

Why would you bring that up? I still have nightmares about that

- Still too soon? - Yes.

- Okay, got it.

- You don't think anyone else is going to remember that, do you?

- Of course they won't. We're not twelve anymore, are we?

- Yeah, they'll have moved on.

- Hey, hey, hey, Oliver Piss!

- And I'm out of here.

- That is one drunk, come on.

It's our night off, let's have some fun, yeah?

- Absolutely, just don't leave me on my own.

- Of course not mate.

- Come on, come on.

- Oh

- It's so weird. Everyone's back in their old cliques.

I know, you've got goths, the nerds, the footy lads.

- Meanies.

Why aren't we in a clique? - What are you talking about?

We were the funky fresh crew. You, me,

and occasionally a foreign language student.

- Oh, it's our song. Clear a space.

♪ Let's dance. Put on your red shoes and dance the blues ♪

- Fran, you looking exactly the same.

- When you find an iconic look, you tend to stick with it,

you know Steve Jobs, Karl Lagerfeld, Kim Jong-un.

- Oh, Danny Kemp

- You're literally over a child mate.

He was held back three years, it's actually fine.

- Who's she?

- Now I think she left quite soon after you arrived.

- Yes. - We were quite good mates

before that, though. - Wasn't she incredibly shy?

- Yeah. - She didn't say anything at all

I remember it, she was a bit creepy, to be honest.

What was her name? - Kat Gateskill

- Kat!

- It's so good to see you, Jamie.

- You look amazing.

- You look amazing.

Where did you get that outfit?

Because I want it now.

Hey, Fran.

So what are you both up to?

Still doing everything together?

The Inseparable duo.

- We do work together, actually.

- Oh, nice. - For a security company.

- Okay.

- Events, crowd control, that sort of stuff.

It's a little bit more complicated than that, Jamie.

It's surveillance. As such,

it's gathering, close protection. That sort of stuff.

I won't bore you with details, but it's high end stuff.

How about you? - So sorry to interrupt,

but would you mind signing a copy of your book for me?

- Thanks to you, I am becoming who I always wanted to be.

Turns out it's divorced and living in a relationship

with my former therapist.

- That's great. Thank you.

Oh, so embarrassing.

I run a little business.

A few bestselling self help books, speaking tools across

the world of minor luxury products.

I guess it's more of a brand than a business.

- That's incredible.

- I've never heard of your stuff.

Probably because it's targeted more towards people who need help.

And I'm in a really good space right now.

- At least you've still got that sharp sense of humour, Fran.

Oh, I better go check on the buffet.

I'm head of the organising committee.

Control free alert. - Control freak detected.

- I'll catch you later.

What does she mean,

at least I've still got that sense of humour?

- Who are you and what you're doing here?

- I don't know what you mean. I'm here for the reunion.

We were in school together.

- Listen mate. I've been doing this job

long enough to know exactly what it means when some dodgy

little weirdo approaches us with his hand in his jacket.

Please, I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure you don't I guess you were innocently reaching for

- Business cards.

I'm in office supplies now. It's me,

it's Robin Sharma.

- Robin, we are so sorry.

- Honestly, don't worry about it.

It's just when you're in private security. It can get a little bit edgy.

Itchy trigger fingers.

Oh, literally. Obviously.

- Oh, gosh, that sounds exciting.

I mean, it's not every day you get waterboarded when you sell

toner cartridges for a living.

- It's mad, isn't it. You see, it's been so long.

I didn't recognise you at all.

Probably the glasses. Went a bit crazy

and treated myself to some laser surgery.

My 50th, it was either that or installing a smart meter.

But I thought no better to have something to really

look forward to for your 60th.

- Well, you are looking good, my friend.

- Robin Sharma.

Robin Sharma.

I used to sit next to you in geography.

- Pretty sure it was chemistry.

- Oh, my bad with Mr. Dunham.

- Mr. Dunham was history.

Chemistry was Ms. Bole.

Ms. Bole.

I always thought it was Ms. Bole.

- Right! Ms. Bole.

She was always very insistent on that.

- She was, yes she was.

Robin Sharma.

It's amazing what you remember from way back.

- Oh, don't get me started.

If these walls could talk.

We have some fun, didn't we?

Tell you what, I found some cannabis in my stepson's

bedroom and Fran,

I seem to remember you were partial to wacky

Becky, want to go outside for a cheeky puffer-roni?

Come on, schools out.

- We better go mingle. - Yeah, of course.

No worries. Catch you in a bit.

- See you in there mate.

- Man, I have not thought about Robin Sharma in years.

Office supplies? It's crazy what some people end up doing, isn't it?

- Yeah, it's bonkers, isn't it?

- Oh, it's Danny Kemp.

- Oh, shit. - I know, and

he's still got it.

Check it

- You're all good. - Wish me luck.

- Listen, I need a signal if you're going back to the van.

Do you want to put a sock on the exhaust or something?

The signal will be the van bouncing up and down mate.

- So you still got that little convertible, I seem to

remember the back seat being very comfortable.

- Of course I do.

Let me tell you when the roof goes down,

it goes all the way down.

- Listen, it's the first night

I've been able to get away from my kids in six months, fuck off.

- Oliver Piss. - Look at that, it's Oliver Piss

- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.

- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.

- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.

- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.

- Oliver Piss. - Oliver Piss.

- I can't believe I got stuck with Nick Stevens.

It's like I get it.

Your son's got M.E.

What am I supposed to do about it?

- Yeah.

Oh my God. Did you see Oliver Piss?

- Yes. Please sir, can I piss some more?

- You got a piss a pocket or two.

- I wonder what she does now.

- Who cares?

- If that was all I was remembered for,

I would've been way too embarrassed to show my face.

- Yeah, does she even know how tragic she looks?

- Babe, you've got coke-tache.

- Oh.

♪ Kung Fu lovin, is gonna tear us apart ♪

♪ to a roundhouse kick to my heart ♪

- It was Ms. Bole.

♪ Girls love girls, girls love girls ♪

- Jamie, what are you doing all of your own?

I thought you and Fran were joined at the hip.

- There was someone I wanted to dance with,

but it seems like he's already taken.

- It's year nine disco all over again.

Tina Bartrom was always a slut.

I know if I've learned that a thing, Jane.

It so you don't get anywhere by sitting back.

If someone's got something you

want, you need to take control of the situation.

Actually, I've got an idea.

♪ Consider yourself, one of us ♪

- Hey Robin, what are you doing here?

- I saw you were a bit upset.

Just checking you're okay. - Oh no, I'm fine.

Taking a breather.

You know, just hanging out with the old crew.

Too much fun if I'm honest.

Familiar faces and happy memories,

having an amazing time.

- Alright, well, I'll leave you to it.

- No. Come on, sit down.

Come on then, tell old Robin Sharma what's up?

- Sorry, do you mind if I butt in?

Seriously, what is your problem?

- Tina, your husband's on the phone in the school office.

He said he couldn't get through on your mobile.

It sounds quite urgent. - One night. That's all I ask for.

I don't know if you remember me. - It's Jamie, isn't it?

Of course, I remember you.

You're always so bubbly

and if I remember correctly, very naughty.

- So why do I listen to these idiots?

You know I am who I am and if

they don't like it, they can just shove it up their ass.

- Exactly.

I mean, at the end of the day we just have to be ourselves.

No point in pretending to be someone we're not.

- Thanks Robin.

- What's the matter? Piss yourself again?

- Yeah, nice one.

- There it is.

Nickname hanging around my neck like

a sack of shit for the last 30 years.

- God, yeah, the nickname.

Who cares about that now? - Everyone apparently.

I mean, you're the only one

that hasn't brought it up. Haven't mentioned it once.

- I remember how upset you used to get about.

I mean, you wet yourself

in a school production of Cats and suddenly you're

Mr. Pisstofolies for life.

- Mr. Pisstofolies. Kids can be so cruel.

- Listen, if you're still offering

I could really handle that spliff.

- Definitely, it's in my car. Parked out front.

Okay.

- Thanks for listening to all that.

- Anytime.

- We should hang out again.

- Yeah, give me ya number and I'll drop you a line.

- Yeah, well, you can just look

me up on Facebook under Oliver Piss.

- No, no.

- Hey,

you got any coke?

- Ah, ah. Ah.

- Fran, where ya been? - You need to come with me right now, Jamie.

- Oh, one too many was it? I've got some gum. Keep you from vomming.

- Great, excuse us Kat. - Fran, stealing you away?

It's like school again.

- Yeah. - Bye.

- What's up? - Sharma is trying to kill us.

- Sharma?

- Not Sharma, someone pretending to be Sharma.

- Then who's that then?

- Some kind of weird, footy, dumb, pirate meat head.

- I guess he wasn't lying when he said he knew people.

- Any last words,

Robin Sharma?

What is this, fucking Looney Tunes?

Still got it.

- Well,

my peers might not respect me but at least my brains aren't

splattered over an assortment of netball

bibs and shuttlecocks. Swings and roundabouts.

- Thanks for your help mate.

- Ah, come on. What are friends for?

I stove somebody's head in with a shot put this week.

Next week, you'll be dropped kicking some Nutter

down a lift shaft. We are a team.

- Indeed, the old clique of two. Never,

never mess with the funky fresh crew.

Just you and me now.

- Hey, guys.

Fran, are you sure you're okay to drive?

Or did you manage to get most of it out?

- Yeah, I wasn't actually drunk. - Oh right?

Okay, so that's just your normal pallor then?

- Well, I mean, some of us like to keep it natural.

- Jamie, I wanted you to have a copy of my book.

Danny Kemp could be just a start of you becoming.

And I meant what I said about

you crashing at mine for a bit.

Honestly, I'd be delighted to have you. My card is in the book.

- Thanks, Kat.

I'll be in touch.

Oh.

Oh.

- Sorry, you're moving in with Kat Gateskill?

- When I told her about

my living sitch and she's offered me a room when I look

for a new place, it's really kind of her, right?

Wow.

Look how cool Kat's business card is.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to have some made up.

- Oh no, I think that's a really good idea.

Yeah. Like your name,

phone number, and "I kill people for a living".

- The number's fake,

and when you phone it, you get the talking clock.

- God, you're a genius.

So you finally got with Danny Kemp then?

- Yep, 13 years I've been waiting for that. Tongue right in the ear.

- Small victories every day?

♪ There's a loving in your eyes all the way ♪

♪ If I listen to your lies would you say ♪

♪ I'm a man without conviction ♪

♪ I'm a man who doesn't know ♪

♪ How to sell a contradiction ♪

♪ You come and go ♪

♪ You come and go ♪

♪ Karma karma karma karma Karma chameleon ♪