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Thank you.

I appreciate it very much, Mrs. Gordon. Most helpful.

We thought you ought to know. - Absolutely.

We bankers can't be too careful.

Give my best to that nice husband of yours. - Thank you.

Yeah? Yes, sir!

Hey, Stirling, Mr. Munroe wants to see you.

You sent for me, sir?

That's all, Miss King.

Sit down, young man.

Stirling, how long have you been with this bank?

About four years, sir.

Counting the time before the war. - Four years.

My boy, I must speak frankly. There's a great deal of talk going around town,

talk that isn't good for you or the bank. - Yes, sir.

So you know about it? - Yes, sir.

Well, young man, then you can understand.

In the banking business we can't be too careful.

The talk's all nonsense, of course.

But, sir, it's not nonsense.

Utter non... What?!

I mean, it's true, sir.

How can such an absurd, ridiculous-

Stirling, what's the matter with you?

Could I tell you about it?

Tell me? - Yes, if you'd just let me explain.

See here, I'm an extremely busy man. - But, sir, it means my job.

Well, then... make it brief. - Yes, sir.

It all began a few years ago over in Burma. - Burma?

Yes, sir. The jungle was the hottest I'd ever known it.

Still, there was no excuse for me, a second lieutenant,

getting separated from my platoon, no excuse at all.

When I realized I was alone, lost behind the Jap lines,

I was scared.

Then I thought what my commander would say when I told him I'd lost my platoon.

And I was really scared!

At last I took refuge under a tree.

I must've been exhausted because I fell asleep.

Our barrage woke me.

My mouth felt dry.

It's funny how wet you can be outside and so dry inside.

Hey, watch it! If you don't want to live, I do.

Keep your head down.

Who said that?

Who said that?

I did.

Where are you? Come on out or I'll shoot.

Lieutenant, you better put that gun up before you hurt somebody.

Who's speaking? - Me!

Who's me?

Me. The mule.

Don't. Don't be ridiculous.

Coming from a second lieutenant, that's almost ironic.

Must be a booby trap of some kind. - You oughta know.

But it's fantastic. I don't believe it.

What are you?

I'm just an army mule, and my name happens to be Francis.

Frances?

That's a girl's name.

Let's keep sex out of this.

The name is still Francis, with an i.

Must be wired for sound. - Why?

Well, it's some kind of a trick.

It's a cinch, mules don't talk.

We are facing an extremely serious situation.

I must decide upon a course of action. - Brilliant, Lieutenant.

Smack-dab on the button. Brilliant.

I must be crazy to even think it can talk.

That bang on the head must've been worse than I thought

I gotta get outta here!

Say...

Could you carry me outta here?

Carry you and slow myself up?

But I am an officer.

A second lieutenant.

Why, it wouldn't even be patriotic.

You mean, my life isn't worth saving?

The question is, would it be worth risking mine to do it?

What do you mean?

Is there a shortage of second lieutenants? Certainly not!

The War Department has announced they got a large surplus.

But mules? That's a different story.

No, I just couldn't do it.

Not with my interest in furthering the war effort.

Pull your ears in!

My leg. I've been hit. - This would have to happen.

By the tail of my Great Aunt Regret who won the Derby,

I oughta leave you here for Jap bait.

Go ahead. Go ahead, save yourself.

You know perfectly well I can't leave you now.

Well, I thought you said a second lieutenant wasn't worth saving.

A whole one ain't. Wounded, you've become a matter of principle.

Never mind that! Come on. Get on my back and I'll take you to an aid station.

Francis, I'll have you made a corporal for this.

What us mules go through to earn a couple of stripes.

Lt. Stirling? - Yes, sir.

How's the leg? - It's just a flesh wound, Captain.

I understand I'm getting out of here in a couple of days. - Fine.

Cigarette? - No, thank you.

Stirling.

I'm from G-2*.

G-2?

* The military intelligence staff in the US Army.

What does Intelligence want of me?

You had quite an experience out there, didn't you? - Yes, sir.

The men on my patrol, did they all...? - They're all back safe and sound.

It's okay, Lieutenant. Those things can happen on patrol.

We were crawling on the hillside and suddenly I was alone.

I was afraid to call out. Lucky for you that mule found headquarters.

Mule? Francis!

Francis?

The mule, sir, Francis. He spelled it with an i.

You seem to know quite a lot about this mule.

Only what he told me, sir.

What who told you? - Francis.

Francis? - Yes, sir. The mule.

That's what I thought you said.

Lieutenant, this doesn't indicate there's anything the matter with your mind.

Why, there isn't, sir.

But... you just told me a mule talked to you.

He did, sir. - You're sure of that?

Yes, sir. I didn't believe it at first either. But he really did.

Now, take it easy, Lieutenant.

Just... take it easy.

Well, young fellow, how are you getting along?

Huh? Fine, sir.

Had a little bump on the head too, didn't you? - Yes, sir.

Doesn't seem to amount to a thing. - No, sir.

I hear you told Capt. Grant a mule talked to you. That right?

Yes, sir.

Well, my patients like to have their little jokes.

But I wasn't joking, sir. - Come, Lieutenant, this is no time for leg-pulling.

There's a war going on. You know mules can't talk.

That's what I thought, sir. But this one talked to me.

You mean the animal talked to you the way I'm speaking?

Well, maybe not so loud, sir.

Tell me, Stirling.

Is it just one particular mule who talks to you?

Or do all the mules talk? - Just Francis, sir.

Francis? - That's the mule's name, Lieutenant.

He spells it with an i.

Do any other animals talk to you? Elephants? Rabbits?

Chickens? Goldfish?

No, sir. Of course not.

The very thought of such things talking is ridiculous, isn't it, young man?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, yours is not an unusual case. Nothing unusual about it at all.

In no time we'll have you fixed up good as new.

Good morning, boys.

Samuel. Ben.

Hiya, Raymond.

Feeling better?

Come, come, Lieutenant. Upsy-daisy*. * Time to get up.

Colonel Plepper wants to see you. - Col. Plepper?

Yes! He's our top, top psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? But I don't need a psychiatrist.

Now, now, come along.

Col. Plepper, Lt. Stirling is here.

Lieutenant,

this is Col. Plepper.

No, no, my boy, none of that, just come in and sit down.

Make yourself right at home.

Thank you, sir.

How long have you been visiting us? Let me see.

Ten days.

I see you've gained a pound a day.

Yes, sir. I've been on a condensed milk diet.

Remarkable what it can do for a man. Remarkable.

You feel fatter?

Yes, sir. - Perfectly natural.

Wonderful the way the army is able to put weight on a man.

This is going to look beautiful on our chart.

Now, Lieutenant,

suppose you tell us all about your friend the mule who talks.

Well, Colonel, sir, I must've been wrong about that.

Just imagined it. It could've been that bang on the head.

Or perhaps I was just shell-shocked.

No. We call it combat fatigue.

You're thinking of the last war.

I must've been fatigued, but I'm perfectly all right now. - Of course you are.

Why don't you report to Col. Saunders this afternoon for assignment to duty?

See how quickly the army can cure you?

Oh, gosh!

Fine! Then I'll bring Miss Gelder over right away.

Your quarters are arranged. The ladies of the Red Cross are waiting to welcome you.

Merci. They are so kind to let me stay.

You're still under the wing of the army. - Yes.

It may be some time before we're sure it's safe for you to return to your father's trading post.

Monsieur, vous etes si aimable. (You're so kind.)

I am so touched that with a war on you trouble with me.

Papa would be so grateful. - If only we could find him to let him know you're all right.

But who knows where he is?

The Japanese came in so fast we had to take to the hills,

with scarcely time to pack.

Poor Papa and I got separated. I was looking for him when your patrol found me.

We'll do everything we can to find your father.

We'd better get you settled. - Merci, Col. Saunders.

Merci encore, Col. Hooker.

I hope you'll be comfortable in your quarters.

Gentlemen!

I trust you're not too busy to attend the staff meeting this afternoon.

What does the Colonel got I haven't got? - Rank, Captain, rank.

And me only a second lieutenant.

And that is the reason for this staff meeting.

Of course, this opening in Intelligence offers the opportunity for advancement.

Gentlemen, I'd like to ask if there is any officer in this headquarters...

who feels that he has special qualifications for G-2 work.

Lt. Brimm?

Sir, I speak seven languages of the Far East.

I was a professor at Duke University.

Fine. Make a note, Lieutenant. - Captain Norman?

I've spent nine years in Burma, prospecting. I know the country and the people.

You speak the language?

Yes, sir, all dialects fluently.

Very good. Note that, Lieutenant.

Lt. Stirling?

2nd Lt. Stirling! - Yes, sir?

Lieutenant, have you any special qualifications for intelligence work?

No, sir. None at all, sir.

I wouldn't even... No, sir. None.

G-2, Intelligence.

It's hard to picture a beautiful young girl like you living in a jungle trading post.

Do you find it pretty dull? - The jungle dull? Mais, non!

It is myst�rieuse, wonderful, thrilling.

I'm afraid some of the men here don't find it so thrilling.

That is because they are so lonely, n'est-ce pas?

It's a sacrilege the way that luscious armful's being wasted.

Yeah. I can hear the Colonel's last two red corpuscles yelling for reinforcements.

It's unpatriotic, that's what it is.

It's on all their faces.

A sort of... sadness.

No, no, not sadness. Hunger.

They're all hoping I'll drop dead.

And they're all so handsome. So attractive.

Well, it might be good strategy if I did share you with them.

Come, I'll introduce you.

Lt. Stirling, I don't believe you've met our charming guest, Miss Gelder.

No, I haven't, sir. But it's wonderful. - A pleasure, Lieutenant.

Lt. Stirling has just been assigned to Intelligence.

And so very young too.

My compliments, Lieutenant. - Thank you.

You must be Lt. Stirling's friend.

Fascinating.

Simply fascinating.

Aren't you going to ask me to dance, Lieutenant?

You mean, you would? I mean, would you?

Mais, oui. But of course.

After Lt. Col. Saunders and the two majors and-

Lt. Stirling?

Surprise, Lieutenant. Someone's looking for you.

Lt. Stirling was my favorite patient. Such an unusual-

Dance?

Lieutenant, the colonels, the majors, the captains,

what will they think? - What have I done.

Forgive me. I'll take you right back.

Mais, non. I like a masterful man

that sweeps me away from everyone!

Gee, I did, didn't I?

Comment allez-vous? (How are you?)

Monsieur, please.

Please, can you... It is the masterful young Lt. Stirling.

Bonjour, mon ami.

Miss Gelder!

Tr�s bien, merci. I see you study fran�ais.

That is very nice. Oui, but when I say it, it doesn't sound like you do.

It is the same for me with anglais, English.

At the trading post I do not learn.

There is only Papa and he is worse than me.

Tell me, monsieur,

if your army should have a message from Papa,

they would tell me, no?

Well, you see- But you mustn't worry.

Maybe I can, well, look into it and let you know.

C'est tr�s gentil. So very kind of you to trouble.

I would be most grateful.

Until then, au revoir, monsieur.

Au revoir, �madammozle.�

Bonjour, monsieur le sergent.

Good morning, sir.

Morning.

Sergeant, do I look all right?

All right? Yes, sir.

Francis, it's me, the second lieutenant.

Remember me?

Gee, maybe I am a mental case.

Most second lieutenants are!

Francis! - All right!

Then you can talk.

I did hear you the first time.

I didn't imagine it at all! I'm not crazy!

That's debatable, Lieutenant.

Well, then, why did you send for me?

Me? Send for you?

Yes, this note you wrote me.

I never put anything in writing. - But it's signed �Francis�.

Get smart, Lieutenant. You're being ribbed by your buddies!

Ribbed?

Then the joke's on them. You can talk!

I'm gonna bring 'em out here and prove it.

Lieutenant, meet the Sphinx.

You mean, you'd let them laugh at me?

Let 'em think I'm a mental case?

Next thing you know, they'll be sending me home as a psycho.

I know what you think of second lieutenants,

but even we want to help win the war.

Come back here. Your morale's draggin'.

Never thought I'd have to wet-nurse a lieutenant.

How'd you like to be a hero?

Me? A hero?

There's a Jap observation post

spotting your base about 2,000 yards from headquarters.

Don't be an ass.

Be that as it may, that Jap observation post is there.

Well, then why aren't you doing something about it?

I am. I'm tellin' you. - Me? Why?

You know what section you're in?

Certainly. I'm in G-2, Intelligence.

Then don't sound so all-fired surprised when I give you some.

This must be reported immediately!

Look, haven't you been in the army long enough

to know that you don't get medals for just reportin' it?

What else can I do? - What else can you do?

You can go out and capture that post! - Who? Me?

Either you're a soldier or an optical illusion!

And tonight I intend to find out which!

This must be an illusion!

What are you made up for, Lieutenant?

My aching back.

Shush my Great Aunt Regret's tail!

You're making enough noise to wake up the whole Jap army.

What are you made up for, Lieutenant?

What secret weapon have you got hidden in that pack?

It's a shelter half.

In case of rain or do you expect to shack up with those Japs?

Go on. Get rid of it. Go on!

Why that shovel? - We may have to dig entrenchments.

Lieutenant, if there's any diggin' done, it'll be to bury ya.

Get rid of it!

And that gas mask too!

I have been ordered to wear my gas mask at all times.

Do you really believe that two Japs in the middle of the jungle

are gonna launch the first gas attack of the war

against you personally?

That goes too.

Now, how many grenades you got there?

A dozen. - A dozen?

Look, Lieutenant, we're goin' after two.

Get it? Two frightened Japs.

How do you know they're frightened?

Two Japs alone are always frightened.

One grenade's plenty.

A whole dozen grenades!

Now that revolver! - Suppose the tommy gun doesn't work?

Then you won't need anything except flowers.

Francis, you've stripped me. - We're all ready to go.

And for the love of Burma mud, quiet!

Don't yank. I'm sensitive.

I thought you said it was only 2,000 yards!

We haven't even gone 200 yet!

They're right up there.

What do we do now?

I'm gonna get behind 'em.

You stay here. When I yell,

fire a couple of shots in the air. - In the air?

Quiet.

In the air.

Throw down your guns!

You're surrounded!

Come down... on the double!

Close in with your men, Lieutenant.

Coming!

Forward, men!

I'm Lieutenant Sakaya. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Save your bows. One false move and we'll drill ya!

Very good. We'll surrender.

I hope to kiss a duck you surrender!

Get those hands higher!

Come around here, Lieutenant. - Yes, sir!

Get 'em up.

No need to worry, my good fellow. We know when the game is up.

Quite a cultivated accent you got there.

Harvard, I presume. - Harvard? Certainly not.

Yale! - So �solly�. Let's go.

Wha' happened?

�Wha' happened?�

My boy, you are to be congratulated.

G-2 is proud of you. - No, thank you, sir.

Yes, sir!

Here.

How 'bout one of these? - No. Thank you, sir.

Suppose you realize, what you've done, although highly irregular, mind you, is of tremendous value.

And you did it alone! That's the remarkable part.

No, sir. That's not quite-

What's that? - I mean, yes, sir.

The general is delighted!

And now, Lieutenant, just a few questions.

Yes, sir. - The Japanese observation post,

just how did you find out about it?

What's the matter? That's a simple question.

Yes, sir.

I don't know, sir.

What kind of answer is that? - I mean, I'd rather not say.

You capture a Jap post within yards of headquarters,

you tell me you'd rather not say! Why?

If I told you, sir, you wouldn't believe me.

I'll be the judge of that!

You really want to know? - I demand to know.

Well, sir, it all happened like this.

The mule-

Well, Lieutenant, welcome home.

Is it that mule again?

Such a fascinating friend to have! Simply fascinating!

It's Col. Plepper.

Good morning, Col. Plepper. - Morning.

No, no, my boy.

And how are we today? - Fine, sir.

Of course we are. Nothing serious the matter with us.

Nothing at all.

But you do have a cold feeling at the tips of your fingers?

No, sir.

Then you suffer from dizziness? Everything seems to be revolving.

I mean, there are times when you feel faint, out of breath?

No, sir. I don't think so, sir. - No.

I understand!

The thing that's bothering you is here.

You're feeling perfectly all right,

then suddenly there's a sharp pain?

No.

Lieutenant, did they take X-rays of your head? - Yes, sir.

And what did they show? - Nothing, sir.

Lieutenant, what the devil's the matter with you? - Nothing, sir.

Nothing? Fine attitude for a military man.

Drives my doctors crazy, my psychiatrists crazy, my staff crazy!

I'm sorry, sir. - Sorry?

Half of 'em say you're loco. Other half say you aren't.

Me, I'm the head doctor. I think they're all loco.

Give a man a good dose of castor oil and a hot bath; either he's crazy or isn't.

Doesn't make much difference anyway. - Yes, sir.

How did you ever get your commission? - Officers Candidate School.

Pass all your examinations? - Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing. Father and mother living?

Sane? - Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing!

Well, that's it, gentlemen. What do you think?

A clear-cut case of hyper-imaginative reaction

induced by emotional starvation.

Acute symptoms impelled by battle fatigue. - What treatment would you suggest, Colonel?

Activity. Violent activity.

Give him four aspirins and send him back to duty.

Stirling, the medics have recommended activity.

Fortunately, I've got just the thing. - Really, sir?

Yes. See this area, Lieutenant? - Yes, sir.

We have reason to believe there's a Jap patrol in there. - That close?

That's right. We don't know the number of men or just where they are,

so we've decided to send out a patrol tomorrow. - Of course, sir.

And I've chosen you to lead it. - Yes, sir.

Who me? But- - But what?

Who is this? - Francis.

Francis? Francis who? - Lieutenant, please.

Francis! But, you can't talk on the telephone.

I hear you're leading an expedition.

You what? But that's impossible.

For you to lead or for me to hear about it?

You're just guessing. - Is Hill-X246 guessing?

For heaven sakes, that's top secret!

Now you're showing signs of basic intelligence.

Better show a little more and get over here.

Yes, sir. I mean, I'll be there.

How did you know I was leading a patrol?

How did you find out about Hill-X46?

If I found out, you can be sure the Japs know.

But that's terrible! - Why?

They'll ambush us. We'll have to call off the patrol.

Nothing of the sort! That's the beauty of it.

We know they know. All we gotta do is to outmaneuver 'em. - Who is we?

Let's just say that we're gonna work it out together.

Work what out? - Information the Japs have

gives you a great opportunity.

For what?

To carry out your mission successfully!

What do I do? - I don't know why I worry about you, Lieutenant.

I can't even understand why I like you!

I suppose in all of us there's a trace of the mother complex.

Lieutenant, this mule should be in the rear with the rest of 'em.

I want him up in the front. - I know, but that ain't the way it's done.

Sergeant Chillingbacker, I'm in charge of this patrol! - So they tell me.

What's that? - Sir.

Tell the men to close up. - They're close enough.

Sgt. Chillingbacker! - Yes, sir.

Attaboy, Lieutenant.

What do we do now? - Why, just go ahead with the patrol.

This is it. X246.

Take the men down and put out security posts at the edge of the clearing. Tell 'em to keep alert.

Posts are supposed to be 20 yards out in the jungle.

I want 'em at the edge of the clearing.

Tell 'em to pitch their tents in the center.

Out there in the open? - That's right.

But, Lieutenant... - There.

What's that? - Sir...

What now?

Have 'em get a campfire ready. A big one!

What? I will not!

Are we gonna handle this, Lieutenant?

We are.

What a way to fight a war.

What do we do now? Just wait to be wiped out?

Now... we light the fire. - Light the fire?

Splendid. A fine job.

And now, Lieutenant, just how did you know the Japs were going to ambush you?

Good morning, Lieutenant. We have a visitor.

No! Not another doctor. - Not this time.

Col. Plepper says you need stimulation.

Stimulation! Flapdoodle!

Yes, but who is it?

Are we respectable?

You may come in.

Bonjour, mon cher ami. (Hello, my dear friend.)

No, no, no. Please don't get up.

And how is my lieutenant? - Bon-

Fine since you came.

Then I am happy to be here.

Will you be all right? - I will take very good care of him!

I'll be outside.

Just in case.

Please, let me. - Thank you.

I thought this would please you.

Gee. Thanks. And thanks for coming.

Thank you!

Me? What for?

What for? Why, everyone, the whole headquarters, we talk of nothing else.

Killing all those- And not one of your men even wounded.

It was so very wonderful.

Yes, but it wasn't I... - Please, don't be so modest.

Gee. You're so beautiful, Maureen.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Forgive you? For what?

Oh, please.

I like to hear you say Maureen.

Gee. My name's Peter.

Peter.

What is that?

I don't know. - Have you ever seen it before?

No, not that I... Say, it looks almost like-

Could it be someone is trying to send a message to you?

Who'd want to reach me? Gosh, I can't read signals.

At Papa's trading post we had a wireless.

Can you read that? - I will try.

B-U-T

Q-U-I-C-K.

�But quick.� Yes?

F-R-A-N

C-I-S.

What does it mean? - �But quick. Francis.�

There must be trouble. I gotta get outta here.

Going somewhere, Lieutenant? - No, no.

There are guards out there. What am I gonna do now?

You wish to get outside? - I must. I've gotta see Francis.

That is very simple. I will go out.

In two minutes they will not be there.

Francis, where are you?

Francis, you're hurt!

I got here as fast as I could. Tell me what happened.

Nothing. Don't you ever get tired?

I just wanted to tell ya- You brought company.

Peter.

Miss Gelder, I'm...

Why didn't you wait for me? - I didn't think there was time.

What were you saying, Francis?

Who are you talking to, Peter? - Francis.

Why did you send for me? - Lieutenant...

It was you who sent the signals, wasn't it?

Say something!

Don't you realize I had to escape from the psycho ward to get here?

I could be court-martialed for this!

My lieutenant. Do not excite yourself like this.

Come. Let us go back. - No! He can't do this to me.

Why did you send for me? Come on. Start talking.

But, mon ami, come with Maureen.

This is not good for you. You think I'm crazy too.

I tell you, Francis can talk!

Yes! Yes, of course!

And a very intelligent mule he is too.

You must do as he says.

But he hasn't said anything. - Then you were too excited to hear.

He said it was all one big mistake

and you must go back with Maureen and rest.

But, Maureen... - The nurse, she will be angry with both of us.

Let us start walking.

See what you've done! Why won't you talk?

Please, Lieutenant, come. Let us go.

You got me into this, you-

Peter, I know. You wait right here.

I will come right back. Wait... like a good boy.

Just one moment. Wait?

Hubba-hubba! Quite a dame.

Now that you've ruined everything for me, you talk.

I'll have you know Miss Gelder is no dame.

That's a matter of viewpoint. Now maybe we can talk.

Francis, stop treating me like a child. Remember, I'm an officer.

Remember? Lieutenant, it haunts me.

Why did you send for me? - I got some hot information.

Oh, no. Not again.

Look, look at me. You see this? - Pajamas.

G.I. issue, I presume. - Yeah, from the psycho ward where you put me.

Still there's some credit to be had and I thought you might just as well...

Will you please stop trying to build me up?

A few months ago I was a perfectly happy second lieutenant,

minding my own business, bothering nobody.

Then I meet you... and what happens?

I spend half my time in the booby hatch.

Thanks but I've had enough. Maybe now I can stay out of the hospital.

Okay. If you don't mind gettin' yourself blown

to kingdom come this afternoon, I don't know why I should worry.

Are you crazy?

You're the one that's in the psycho ward, remember?

Now wait a minute, Francis.

What do you mean blown to kingdom come? - That's better.

I got some hot information that better be passed on fast.

At 4:35 this afternoon headquarters gets it - three waves of enemy bombers.

An air raid? But this is serious.

I hope to kiss my Great Aunt Regret, it's serious!

Remember, 4:35, three waves of enemy bombers.

Looks like the dame went for help.

What'll I do now? They'll take me back to the psycho ward.

Cousin, there's an old army maneuver known as scrammin'!

Quick, behind those bushes over there. Hurry.

If you're not right about that air raid, I'll be kicked out of the army!

Might be a patriotic gesture. Duck!

You sure this is the place? - Oui, I am sure.

There is the mule. But the poor lieutenant, he is gone.

Never should I have left him, not for a moment.

So that's his talking mule? - Ask him where his pal is.

Do not waste time with this stupid thing

while the poor lieutenant is getting lost in the jungle.

He's probably halfway back to camp by now.

Come then. We must be sure.

My poor lieutenant!

Remember, enemy bombers at 4:35.

�My poor lieutenant.�

Lieutenant, do you realize the seriousness of this information? - Yes, sir.

Where did you get it?

If you tell me it was that jackass again...

Lieutenant, I'm in charge of Intelligence.

You come and tell me our headquarters are going to be bombed by enemy planes, give me their schedule,

then by thunder you- Just who in carnation do you think you're working for?! - You, sir.

You still can't tell me the source? - No, sir.

Lieutenant, one of us is crazy. - Yes, sir.

Don't be impertinent, young man. - No, sir.

All right, I've got to take a chance on your past record. I'm going to trust you,

I can't afford not to. That's all.

Lieutenant!

Do you know the status of a buck* private in this man's army? * Common, meer.

If the information you gave me isn't right, heaven help you.

I'm gonna have you busted so low,

you'll have to use a telescope to look up to a buck private.

Yes, sir.

Base headquarters to engineers. Scramble! It's a three-bell alarm.

Heaven help you, Lieutenant.

Sergeant, get those map cases and take off!

Lieutenant, all I can say is

heaven help you!

Quit your griping. This is for the duration, plus six.

Snap it up. It isn't the heat, it's the Japs!

For heaven's sake, Francis, you're not sleeping!

It's after 4:35!

Usually it's about this time of day.

But nothing's happened!

I hope headquarters didn't go to sleep on that information.

Go to sleep? We've drawn fighter cover from every unit in Burma.

Are you sure of your information?

I suspect it's alright. - Suspect?

Do you know what they're going to do to me?

I'm gonna have to use a telescope to look up to a buck private!

Why did I ever listen to you?

My career, it's ruined.

Dear me! Do second lieutenants have careers?

Wait a minute.

I think I hear something. And they ain't "mosquiters"!

Francis, they're coming! Look. Up there.

I can see 'em. Look!

And here come our interceptors.

I knew you were right all the time, pal.

I'm so happy, I could kiss you.

Relax, Lieutenant, I can take it as well as the next mule,

but there's a limit to everything.

Leuienant? - No. Thank you, sir.

And as I said, this entire command will be eternally in your debt. Eternally.

Come, come. No more nonsense.

You must realize this has gone beyond the joking stage. - But, sir...

You know, Lieutenant, I'm really very fond of you. - Yes, sir?

And I'm old enough to be your father. - Yes, sir.

And, if it's an affaire d'amour*; Lieutenant? * A matter of the heart.

I could understand that.

D'amour? No, sir. There wasn't any girl.

No girl.

Then what in great god Jupiter?! What in thunder so all-fired confidential about your source of information?!

I just can't tell you, sir.

Why? - Because you wouldn't believe me.

Not that mule again!

Yes, sir.

Hello, you. Is it our cute little mule again?

How fascinating. Simply fas-

Lt. Humpert, hasn't anyone come to see me?

If by anyone you mean Miss Gelder, yes,

but Col. Plepper's orders are �no stimulation.�

No one is permitted to visit you except-

Except? Except who? - Except the commanding general.

The who did you say?

Lieutenant General Stevens.

Nobody can stop him from seeing you.

The commanding general to see me? No!

There's nothing to be afraid of.

He's just another man.

Gen. Stevens!

At ease, Lieutenant.

Sit down. - Thank you, sir.

You've been having quite a time of it, haven't you, son?

Yes, sir.

You performed a great service, to your country and my command.

You've also caused terrific turmoil.

You know that, don't you?

I'm afraid I have, sir, but I didn't mean to.

Why, I'm sure that you didn't.

And I think you and I can get to the crux of the situation successfully.

Now, at every interview, you have claimed an army mule talks to you.

Is that right? - Yes, sir.

My boy, I want you to understand the position

in which you place both me and my command.

Now, your actions are worthy of the highest commendation.

But your explanation of those actions is an affront

to the intelligence, to the dignity of my command.

How do you suppose this tale of a talking mule

would sound in a communiqu� to Washington? - But it's true, sir.

Am I to understand

you refuse to tell us the real truth, Lieutenant?

Sir, I have told the real truth. It's just nobody'll believe me.

I'm stumped. Completely stumped!

You really believe a mule talked to you, don't you?

I know it, sir.

Positively the weirdest tale I ever heard.

West Point, 35 years in the army,

nine campaigns, seven children, four of them in the army.

I thought I'd bumped into everything.

But a lieutenant who insists he knows a mule that can talk!

May I make a suggestion, sir?

May you? I insist that you do.

Perhaps you'd go and have a talk with Francis.

Perhaps I'd what?

You mean you want me to meet this animal? - Well, yes, sir.

Then you could ask him if what I've said isn't the truth, sir.

Me? Ask a mule?

Why, if I ever did such a thing, I'd lose my command.

But talk to a mule?

Well, I should say not!

Lieutenant, is this the animal?

Yes, sir. Hello, Francis.

How are you today?

Francis, I'd like you to meet the commanding general.

Francis, the commanding general.

Is something the matter?

Sir, I'm afraid I should have told you this before.

Francis is scared to death the army will discover he can talk. - What?

He was afraid they'd send him to Officers Candidate School.

A mule? - Well, that's what he said, sir.

Well, what do we do? - Francis has been in the army for seven years

and he takes great pride in the military.

I believe if you were to give him orders, he'd obey them.

Orders? What sort of orders?

Perhaps, maybe you could trick him into talking, sir.

Lieutenant, as an officer, I've been required to do some mighty strange things,

but giving orders to a mule to trick her-

him- it- into talking.

Well, I just wonder what the limit is.

Attention!

Right face!

Left face!

About face!

About face!

At ease.

Attention!

Count off!

Would you try again, sir?

One step forward. March!

Report!

At ease.

A remarkably well-trained mule, Lieutenant.

But there's no indication the animal can talk.

May I try again, sir?

Go ahead.

Francis, you and I have been through a lot together.

We've faced death together.

So, for my sake, won't you please,

please talk to the general?

This whole thing is ridiculous. It's inexcusable!

Some of you junior officers are beyond me.

You're full of prunes or prune juice.

You confuse me, you confuse the G.l.'s,

you confuse the whole war effort!

When I think of what you'll do to the post-war world,

the hair I have left stands at attention.

General, you said a mouthful.

Just give me good junior officers and I'll have the best-

Who said that?

It does my heart good, General, to hear you talk that way.

Just echoes what I've been thinking ever since Pearl Harbor.

Lieutenant, you're a ventriloquist!

No, sir.

Attention!

No nonsense, this is an order.

I want direct answers to direct questions!

Name?

Organization? - 123rd mule detachment, sir.

Serial number? - M-5-2-5-1-9.

At ease!

I'll be hanged.

I'll be double and triple hanged.

I'll be hanged in 72 languages.

So you can talk? - Yes, sir!

Lt. Stirling, I owe you an apology.

We all owe you an apology.

Yes, sir.

You, Francis, have done a truly magnificent job for the army.

Shucks. I only tried to do my duty as I saw it, sir.

When America hears about you, it'll cause more furor than the war.

That's the last thing I want, sir.

And pardon the presumption, sir,

it's the last thing you should want too.

What's your point? - My point is

that a three-star general won't get any further with those army psychiatrists than the Lieutenant did.

They'll sing a different tune when they hear you talk.

But they're not going to.

What? You mean you won't talk? - That's right, sir.

What if I order you to talk? - I hope you won't, sir.

But I'm the commanding general.

And I'm a mule, sir, and I have the right to act like one.

Francis, the one thing I won't tolerate in my command is willful insubordination!

I'll obey any ordinary mule order, sir, but that's all.

You'll obey any orders you're qualified to obey, talking included!

And if I don't? What happens to you?

Are you threatening me?

I'm merely reminding you, sir, of what happened to the Lieutenant.

I'm perfectly aware of what happened to the...

Lieutenant, but I...

For the good of the service, sir,

I suggest we forget about this little meeting.

If you're going to be stubborn...

You may have a point at that.

At any rate, under the circumstances you leave me no alternative.

But how am I ever gonna get out of the psychopathic ward?

That'll be taken care of somehow.

Come to think of it, you may be right.

This should go no further.

Very well, then. Are we all agreed? - Yes, sir!

Surprise. Surprise, Lieutenant.

We're gonna start another ducky* new basket. * Pretty.

Here you are. - No, you don't.

Hasn't Col. Plepper heard from Gen. Stevens yet?

Well, yes. In fact, he's with the general right now.

Lieutenant, is there anything wrong with the general?

Half the medical staff is over there.

Orders are orders, Colonel, and I order you to discharge Lt. Stirling!

Sir, regulations are regulations.

I can't discharge a man in Stirling's condition!

For the 10th time, there's nothing wrong with Stirling!

He's perfectly normal.

Normal people normally don't go around holding conversations with mules.

Gentlemen, I was hoping I could avoid this,

but for Lt. Stirling's sake, you force me to-

Colonel Carmichael, in accordance with army regulations,

you have periodically given me a thorough physical examination?

Why, yes, sir.

You've always found my reflexes to be normal? - Yes, General.

You've found no sign of neurosis, abnormality or mental aberration?

No, sir. - Very good!

Gentlemen, I have news for you.

Lt. Stirling's mule can talk.

I've talked with him, and what's more, he's talked back!

Well, really now, General!

Steady, Plepper.

General- - What is it, Col. Carmichael?

Nothing, sir.

I was merely trying to remember when you had your last physical.

Get that look out of your eye, Colonel!

You're not getting me in any psycho ward!

I tell you Francis can talk! Do you understand?

That mule can talk! - Yes, General.

If you say so, that mule can talk.

That's better.

Now, gentlemen, for obvious reasons,

no word of this should get outside this office.

Furthermore, I gave the mule my word.

Tell me, sir. Is it just Stirling's mule who talks to you...

or do all mules talk?

Excuse me, General. Put it right over there, Sergeant.

Hooker, what the devil's the matter with you?

We just made a transcription of the Tokyo broadcast. You should hear it.

Col. Carmichael, when did you last examine Col. Hooker?

This is radio Tokyo

bringing you the voice of your Tokyo correspondent.

Good afternoon, fellows. How's it going?

Before I give you the news of the day,

I've picked up a little top secret that's too good to keep.

Believe it or not, the Americans have a talking mule in their Burma command.

Not mule talk, mind you, but real important conversation.

He reports on Japanese movements and helps plan defense strategy.

At least, that's what their general claims.

And a three-star general can't be wrong.

Can he, fellows?

Well, that's the scuttlebutt*, boys. * Rumor.

Of course, it's just barely possible the poor man can be-

Your guess is as good as mine.

But it does make me wonder which jackass would be the better general.

C'est la guerre*, boys. Now a tune to cheer you up. * That's war for you.

Turn that blasted thing off!

It's obvious the Japs have got wind of Stirling's hallucination

and they have twisted it into damaging propaganda.

Brilliant deduction, Colonel. - I suggest, General,

we issue an immediate denial and state the real facts.

What I'd like to know is how the news leaked out.

I'm sure Francis didn't say anything.

Hardly, unless we share the Lieutenant's delusions about the animal.

It's rather funny at that. Imagine if a mule really could talk.

What do you mean, imagine? It was the mule's idea that this be kept confidential.

I beg your pardon, sir.

A TWX*, sir. Urgent. * Telex message, sent by, in the US and Canada, the Teletypewriter Exchange Service.

We're due for a visit.

A planeload of correspondents on their way to Kunming heard the Tokyo broadcast.

They request permission to land. - Of course you'll refuse, sir.

What, and have them think I'm really crazy?

That mule's gonna have to talk to the press!

Gentlemen, with your permission.

Col. Hooker, release Stirling and have him bring Francis here.

Here, sir? Yes, sir.

Col. Hooker. - Yes, Sir?

Tell him to... brush him up a bit.

Yes, sir.

And if you're thinking of starting me on a basket,

I'll have the three of you court-martialed!

Dismissed!

What's the idea, Lieutenant?

The general's orders, sir.

General, Lt. Stirling and a mule reporting, sir.

Send them in.

At ease.

What kept you, Lieutenant?

Francis didn't want to come. He's here under protest.

He is? - Yes, sir.

He feels he's been double-crossed. He's not going to talk.

What?

I'm sorry, Francis. An unfortunate development, but that's war.

Francis, I want you to meet Col. Hooker. He's been a bit skeptical.

The G-2 men, you know. Hard to convince.

Speak to him.

It's a pleasure, Francis.

The general has spoken very highly of you.

Now listen, Francis. This is no time for personal feelings.

The morale of this entire command is at stake.

Perhaps, he should rest a while, General.

He looks very tired. - Nonsense! He's just a stubborn-

He's just stubborn, that's all.

And that plane's due any minute.

Attention!

General, please, you've got to get hold of yourself.

Get hold of myself, indeed!

My order's being defied by a stupid, insubordinate jackass!

He could be shot for it. - He should be, General.

It would solve a lot of problems.

He can't do this to me.

The ungrateful, unpatriotic, unmentionable!

Believe me, Francis, I don't know how the Japs got the news any more than you do.

Yes, there's a few questions I'd like to ask on that subject.

If he won't talk to me, he won't talk to you!

I wasn't going to talk to the mule, sir.

Lt. Stirling.

Who did you talk to about Francis?

Sir? - Who did you talk to about Francis?

No one, sir. That is, only to Mauree-, Miss Gelder.

Miss Gelder? - I had to prove to her that I wasn't crazy, sir.

And I just happened to mention that Francis had talked to the general too.

That's all I wanted to know.

Sir, I may have the answer to everything. I should know in a few minutes.

May I be excused sir? - Very well.

G-2 Intelligence.

Shoot him and we might win this war.

My sentiments exactly.

Francis, I knew you wouldn't let the general down.

Keep your shirts on. The gentlemen of the press will get no copy out of me.

Use your head, Francis.

You stand on the threshold of fame such as few men,

few people, few creatures have ever enjoyed.

I wouldn't enjoy it, sir.

Now, just picture it, Francis.

A special unit activated to handle you. Waited on hand and foot.

Millions listening to your every word.

One of the most revolting sales talks I've ever heard.

Why, the thought of it, sir, makes me shiver right down to my tail!

Think of the opportunity! Why, you're a nobody.

Well, it's your nobodies, sir, who are winning this mule's war.

I've given 35 years of my life to the army.

And in all modesty, up to now,

I have been considered a pretty sound military man.

But my whole career will be ruined today if you don't talk.

And mine will be ruined if I do!

But, Francis, think of my family.

You've got me there, General. I haven't got a family.

And according to all scientific reports,

I can never acquire one.

But the answer is still no!

And I am still the commanding general of this theater!

I have a good mind to horse-whip you!

Easy now, General. Suppose you raised one little finger to me.

Just a gentle slap, mind you. Then suppose I talked.

I can see the headlines. �Defenseless Mule Beaten by General.�

What a story! - Why, you-

You're not worth the gunpowder to blow you to-

Mess up my life, mess up my command,

mess up the whole war effort!

You too!

Out of my sight, both of you!

Yes, sir. - Come on, Francis.

Well, you certainly cooked our �gooses.� - Geese, Lieutenant, geese.

Get back in there, Lieutenant. You can't leave now.

But the general's orders, sir.

Sir, the correspondents have arrived. They're on their way in.

Get that animal out of sight and keep it out of sight.

Sir, the correspondents mustn't even see the mule.

Why not? Hiding him isn't going to hide my humiliation.

But you're not going to be humiliated,

and the correspondents are going to get a story.

Behind the map board, Lieutenant.

Stop talking in circles, Hooker.

I'm in no mood for guessing games.

General, Miss Gelder has been induced to substitute.

She's ready and waiting for the press conference.

Does that answer things for you, sir?

If she doesn't make them forget what they came for,

I don't know war correspondents.

Very good, Colonel.

I'm afraid I've been a bit testy.

I can well understand, sir.

Come on. Let's meet the press.

Lieutenant, swing him around.

His... tail is showing! - Yes, sir.

And, Lieutenant. - Yes, sir?

Not a word out of either of you. - No, sir!

I wonder what Maureen can do to satisfy the correspondents.

How about a fan dance*? * Where the female performer is apparently nude and remains partly concealed throughout by large fans.

And as you know, this is one of the vital areas of action of this war.

The strategic situation here is entirely dependent

upon the uninterrupted flow of supplies.

The airlift, as you are aware, is definitely limited.

What about this Tokyo broadcast?

In spite of all obstacles, the job is being done.

General, do we get a look at this famous mule?

How 'bout a picture? - How about an interview with this amazing mule?

What's with this Tokyo Rose and the talking mule?

Yes, the story of the mule who's winning the war single-handed-

single-footed.

What we could do with an army of such remarkable creatures, Col. Hooker?

Indeed, General, but I think we'll muddle through without them

despite the enemy's ridiculous propaganda.

Much as it may spoil news value for you, gentlemen,

I'm not quite ready for the psychopathic ward.

But you're not going away empty-handed.

Col. Hooker, suppose you brief the boys on what's in store for them.

Glad to. As you know, both the British and American armed forces

have been operating in this theater with complete cooperation.

Some time back British Intelligence picked up the trail of a beautiful woman,

supposedly French, suspected of being a part

of a network of agents collaborating with the enemy.

She was last active somewhere in Sumatra.

Recently one of our patrols picked up the supposed daughter of a Dutch trader,

also a very beautiful young woman,

helping her papa run a trading post in the Burma hills.

No, that's not true!

We suspect that she was the same girl, but we have no proof.

So we took a rather ingenious young officer,

assigned him to Intelligence, and dangled him as bait.

So that's what you were doing in G-2, a booby-trap.

When you see the girl, and then take a look at Lt. Stirling,

you'll realize that her only interest in him

could have been for the purpose of getting information.

We saw to it that the Lieutenant gave her misinformation.

But, when he concocted the fantastic story of a talking mule,

Miss Gelder couldn't resist it,

sent it over to the enemy, and the trap was sprung.

Well, gentlemen, there's your story. Worth coming for?

Sure, if she looks as good as she listens.

Bring Miss Gelder in.

Let go of me! Laissez-moi!

Cochons! Pigs!

So brave, so strong, these Americans.

Two of them to guard one girl.

You have no evidence against me. - No evidence?

You're the only one to whom Lt. Stirling

told that absurd talking mule tale... story.

And that misinformation got to Tokyo.

What proof have you got that I sent it.

Who accuses me, anyway, that lunatic Lieutenant? - No, Maureen.

I didn't have anything to do with this. I don't believe any of it!

Sir, this has all been a terrible mistake.

She couldn't have done it. - But you could. And you did, didn't you?

Anyone crazy enough to think that a mule can talk

is crazy enough to send messages to the enemy.

Isn't that so, Peter?

Why do you not confess? - Maureen.

Lieutenant, keep your mouth shut. - I'll handle this.

Sir, this dame's got him so goofy, he's liable to say anything.

Silence, Francis, you'll speak when you're spoken to!

So you can talk.

I hope to kiss a duck, I can talk.

And now I'll tell you how she got that information to the enemy.

You know that old Burmese temple up the road a piece?

Well, you'll find a couple of natives hanging around the back door.

They're her messenger boys.

Maureen, why don't you say something? Why don't you deny it?

Deny it? You stupid idiot. It's all your fault.

You and that stinking mule!

Take her out. - No, you cannot do this. You have no evidence.

Laissez-moi! Cochons! - Maureen!

Thank you, Francis. I'm glad I have at least one jackass in my command.

Gentlemen, I didn't want to deceive you, but in the interest of-

Spy stories, they're a dime a dozen, but a talking mule!

I still don't believe it. It's mass hypnosis.

Sure, the whole thing's a gag.

We're either being played for saps or we're all going as balmy as the Lieutenant.

This thing can't talk.

A mule's the stupidest beast in existence.

Next to correspondents.

So you geniuses know eveything?

Well, I got some news for you.

Quote, there's a war going on, unquote.

So go peddle your papers. We got some fightin' to do!

Please remember that these gentlemen have come thousands of miles to meet you.

If I'd have known, I'd have baked a cake.

Francis, these men are leading representatives of the press.

Just goes to prove what I've always said:

The only reliable reading is the encyclopedia.

What am I supposed to do, sir, write their hogwash for 'em?

All we want are a few statements.

Okay, shoot.

How did you learn to talk?

A stupid question! How'd you learn?

Why, my mother taught me. She must've had quite a struggle.

Francis, a little courtesy. That's an order.

Yes, sir.

Francis, how 'bout a couple of shots of you and the general?

Well, that's up to you, sir.

Why, certainly, certainly.

All right, gentlemen,

Shoot!

Attention!

Halt!

You understand, General, I'm making this trip under protest.

Orders from Washington.

They're convinced the correspondents are crazy

and are holding the stories until you arrive.

They've assigned six men to you as orderlies.

You arrive in Washington on Sunday.

From then on, you're under direct orders of the Pentagon.

Everything's being arranged for your comfort.

Just what I deserve for not keeping my big mouth shut.

But think of the good you can do.

War bond drives, speeches, public appearances.

You'll have a tremendous influence.

Horsefeathers! I'm a fightin' mule.

I wouldn't be surprised if I ran out on the whole show.

But you couldn't do that, Francis.

No, I couldn't. Then again, maybe I could.

Well, you better get started.

Good voyage.

You know something? I'm gonna miss you, Lieutenant.

Gee, Francis, it's only for a couple of days though.

I'm to meet you in Washington.

There must be something the matter with me.

Why?

I hate to leave you.

Keep your buttons shined.

Good-bye, Francis.

Yeah, so long.

Take care of yourself. - That's a hobby of mine.

Amazing. Simply amazing!

You have your orders? - Yes, sir, 24 copies of them.

Fine. Proceed directly from the airport to the Pentagon. Francis will be there.

You're to stay with him, reporting to Gen. Fullbright of Morale Services.

Your plane leaves in a few minutes. - Good-bye, sir.

Bye. - Good-bye, sir.

Take good care of Francis.

I will, sir. - Hello? Good trip, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

What? Wait, Lieutenant, wait.

Are you sure?

Official?

All of them?

No word of him?

Yes, just as soon as you get anything.

I'll wait.

There's been an accident.

What, sir?

The plane has crashed.

Francis crashed?

No. What happened, sir?

We don't know. - Where?

The hills of Kentucky, just a few minutes ago. No further details.

The crew?

All parachuted to safety.

The mule refused to leave the plane.

I was returned to the United States.

I searched the wreckage of the plane.

Francis's body wasn't there.

Then I started combing the Kentucky countryside.

I looked everywhere, sir. Everywhere.

And, of course, you never found him.

What, sir? - I say you never found him.

Yes, sir, I found him.

You what?

I found him, sir. - You did?

But what happened to him?

He's living with me at my house.

Living with you, now? - Yes.

Would you like to come and meet him? - Who? Me?

# My bonnie lies over the ocean

# My bonnie lies over the sea

Is this the animal? - Yes, sir. This is Francis.

Wake up, fella.

I've brought our bank president, Mr. Munroe, out to meet you.

He's heard stories, thought I might be a little crazy,

so I want you to put his mind at rest.

It's your mind that needs rest, not mine, young man.

If that stupid-looking thing has a thought in its head, let alone talks,

then I'm a jackass too!

Here we go again!

tt0041387 6.4/1308

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