Original subtitles

Previously on "Ezra."

But I like tea.

We're so sorry to see you go, I mean,

we would love to have people like you in our club.

Just leave your email at the door.

People like what?

You know, diverse?

Do you even talk to your family?

Does Satan still talk to Jesus?

At all? Not even cool cousins?

I have one cousin and she's actually insane.

Like, trust me, these people are wicked.

Did you hear?

We found your little cousin, Ezra.

What?

If you're wondering what the fuck is going on?

Literally, same.

As part of my psychology degree,

I have to run student-led counseling sessions.

And when I was eight, my mom explained

that maybe my dad would've stayed if I'd eaten my vegetables

but that only made me hate vegetables more.

As you can see, Derek is getting pretty close

to a major breakthrough.

Faculty doesn't care that these sessions

are a huge waste of time,

or that most of the psychology students

end up giving terrible advice; frankly, neither do I.

It's not like I'm here to give advice anyway,

I'm just here to browse the menu.

And I've done everything, man, but I can't go near

a piece of fucking broccoli without getting sick.

Have you tried drinking? Sex?

Light drug use.

Uh.

Grinder? Scruff?

Uh no, I've been avoiding those things.

Why?

I'm trying to find healthier ways to deal, to cope,

to better myself.

Okay.

Listen, Derek, you're gonna die someday,

probably by some freak accident when you fall off cliff

or get bludgeoned death by the puritans

for wearing cuff jeans and yes, I picked up on that, mama.

You gotta ask yourself, "What really matters?"

Is sitting around wishing mommy and daddy

were drinking mimosas on the beach truly helpful?

Exactly.

Well would you look at the time, oh my gosh,

thank you so much for coming.

Thank you for coming.

Go home.

Write out a list of all the things you look forward to,

this way you can focus on the future

and not obsess about the past;

trust me, it's not worth it.

Okay, fuck that.

Here's Mr. Broccoli, just relax, calm down.

Take him out, have a drink, have a cocktail,

show him a good time.

Just really get to know each other.

Yeah.

Brutal.

Reminder for all students,

use the buddy system while entering the school locker room.

♪ Me and my girls yeah call us a coven ♪

♪ When it comes to lovin'

♪ They got my back when I go on trustin' boys like you ♪

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ The cemetery

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ You're gone and buried

♪ I hope you're ready

♪ Boy ain't it scary

♪ R.I.P you're dead to me

♪ Cross my broken heart I hope you die ♪

♪ Die

♪ Cross my broken heart I hope you die ♪

♪ Die R.I.P you're dead to me

I used to envy this world;

they got to live a life not hidden in the shadows,

but out in the open and free.

Now I see that that's not the case,

these people are caged by their insecurity.

Yo, move it.

Uh, believe this is the men's room.

Yeah, thanks for the tour, now move.

Wait a minute, are you like, one of those transformers?

You deaf?

How much more time you need?

Just about finished.

Sick.

♪ How you spend a day

♪ Wishing on flowers

♪ Phone calls listen for hours

♪ Start sweet but it don't matter ♪

♪ The apathy but so what

Hey, what could I get for you?

Uh, hey, can I get a medium iced?

Make sure it's iced, oat-milk latte with room.

Sure, it'll be $6.60.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Oh, my Gaga.

Sorry, I do not mean to be Joe from "You" stalker vibes rn,

but if my little ears didn't deceive me,

did you just order an iced coffee with oat milk?

Yeah, dairy hurts my stomach.

Yes! That is so cute, you are adorable.

Love those necklaces, are you going to the vigil tonight?

Excuse me?

Yeah, the remembrance club is hosting it,

it's gonna be in the actual locker room

where the guy was actually murdered;

there's blood still leftover and everything.

But it's not really for the weak-hearted, you know?

It's kinda graphic, like an escape room but real?

Remembrance club?

Mm-hm, lots of people are being like,

violently murdered right now.

Be careful or you might be next.

No, that's not funny, it's not.

Because if you were murdered? Oh my God,

that would be a hate crime.

That would be a hate crime, okay?

No, that's worse than a real crime and we love the gays.

I am an [slurring]-plus community ally

and I cannot have that, we cannot-

Oh God.

Do you watch "Drag Race?"

"Drag Race?"

You're actually killing me.

"Drag Race," come on.

Lipsynch for your life.

Come on.

Miss Vanjie.

You're gay, right? I'm not getting this wrong?

Oh, not you sipping.

Queen of sipping, slay her, bestie.

I don't slay women.

Um...

Hello.

Hi, lesbo, what do you want?

Excuse me?

Sorry, me and my newfound gay bestie are actually having

a social, hunty, kiki gathering, of course.

It's a "Drag Race" reference.

And oh, right, there's that exhibit, the scissor exhibit

at the front hall that you would love to go to, right?

You have tickets to that?

You'd love that, right?

Lots of vaginas and eating out and boobie.

You're so funny, Amber, you know what?

I was just looking for you.

You know when you Facetune your ass,

it's not supposed to be noticeable? We stan warped ass.

Maybe it wasn't Facetune.

Mm.

It's funny, it's actually really funny.

It's not funny because I come from a dynasty-long thread

of family members who have small asses,

so it's actually one of my biggest insecurities.

Thanks, thanks Gwen, my day is ruined.

I swear it was really great to meet you

and I'm sorry that we had to end on this note,

so see you guys later.

Girls, let's go.

Okay, so what the fuck?

Not you being a gay icon.

Shut up.

Heads up, physique from economics is coming.

Hey Ezra.

Oh, hey Ian, this is Gwen.

Hey, you're in my economics class right?

Oh, I am failing your economics class.

What did I just miss?

Honestly, I don't know.

So what did you get?

Pfizer.

I meant the coffee.

Oh! I got an iced vanilla oat-milk latte;

it's really good.

Iced.

Really, I didn't expect that.

Why not?

You know, you just seem more

like a regular-milk type of guy, but what do I know?

Yeah.

I mean, oat milk's a safe bet;

it's the same everywhere you go, it's usually a good...

good choice, you good man?

Never better.