Original subtitles

- Why didn't you say you love me back?

- Uh... I don't know.

We're j-- we're just kind of getting to know each other,

and... [gunshot]

[shouts]

- [panting]

[dramatic music plays]

♪

- Any last words before I blow your brains out?

- Don't shoot me, okay?

You ain't got to do this.

You ain't got to do this, man.

Yeah.

Just let me...

[kissy noises]

- Why are you doing that?

Cut it out! -[kissy noises]

- Stop it!

You look at me when I kill you.

Look at me!

I know that there's nothing up there.

[screeching] [shouting]

[high-pitched ringing]

- [panting, grunts]

Ah! Shit.

Ah!

Ah... Ah!

JORDAN: Go home.

I'm sure there's a real hero somewhere

in need of a goofy sidekick.

[Kevin panting]

JORDAN: Well, you're not alone...

anymore.

- [panting]

I've got you, I promise.

Kevin!

Focus.

[screaming]

[thudding]

[squirrel chittering]

KEVIN: I owe you one.

[chitters] [kissy noises]

[chitters]

[dramatic music plays]

[pulsing music plays]

It's a simple jump.

Three, two, one.

[dramatic music plays]

[hawk screeches]

Yes.

Hey.

Hey, come on. Jordan, no.

Come on, get up, get up. Jordan, no.

Look at me, look at me.

No. Don't you die, don't you die.

I'm not gonna let you die.

Come on, Jordan, you c...

you can't, you can't die, not...

[sniffles] Come on, Jordan, get up.

Don't d... [cries]

Jordan! Jordan!

I jumped. I got over here.

Jordan?

I fucking jumped.

[crying]

I fucking jumped.

[dramatic music plays]

I fucking...

Breathe. - [clapping]

Bravo. It's a wrap, everybody.

- [cheering, applause] CLAUDE: Bravo.

- [quietly]: The fuck...?

A wrap?

- Agent Hart!

- Coach Ron?

- [whoops] Yeah!

- Yeah. - [laughs] Oh, yeah.

- The fuck is happening?

- [laughs] Hey, man, it was good working with you.

No hard feelings, man. Sorry.

- [cheering, whooping]

- Hi.

- Oh, no. Come on, Jordan.

This was a part of it, too?

- Yeah. Sorry, Kevin.

- Jordan.

But I really thought that I lost you.

- Oh, Kevin. - No...

- Well, I guess I'm glad that you're alive.

- Well, movie magic. [chuckles]

- [laughs softly]

CLAUDE: Very good. KEVIN: Movie magic.

CLAUDE: Very good.

[dramatic music plays]

KEVIN [over speaker]: Jordan, no.

Come on, get up, get up.

Jordan, you can't do this. Don't die.

[sniffles] Come on, Jordan, get up.

Don't d... [cries] Jordan!

Jordan!

I did it, I jumped. I got over here.

Jordan? I fucking jumped.

- [crying]

- I fucking jumped.

- [exhales] Well?

- That may be the strangest movie I've ever seen.

So bizarre and-and... violent.

And yet...

authentic.

- [exhales] - You can't teach

acting like that.

- So you liked it? - Like it?

I like kidney-shaped swimming pools.

I like reduced-fat eggnog.

This movie, I loved.

- He loves it.

- How does it feel to be a leading man

in your own action movie?

- Wow. CLAUDE: Kevin.

Please. - Oh, the center stage.

- [applause] - Uh...

No, stop, stop. Guys.

Well, I learned two things.

The first thing is that it's dangerous.

It's dangerous as hell. I mean, I was set on fire,

I was hit in the head with a bat... - [laughter]

- ...punched, kicked.

I'm really gonna be scarred. - That was f...

- No, I'm serious-- I don't know

why you're laughing. I'm being very serious.

I'm gonna have real issues because of this guy right here.

- Fuck yeah! - It's-- no...

It's not a "fuck yeah." It's-it's a serious thing.

[dramatic music plays]

The second thing that I learned is that, uh...

...there's no such thing as a leading man.

Because you're nothing without your costars.

And I had that in-in you guys, so thank you-- Come on.

Get up here. Seriously. - [applause]

- Get up here. - Buddy.

- Take this in. Take it in with me.

[chuckles] Wait, wait. Do I get top billing?

- [whispers] Yeah. You have top billing.

- Nice. I didn't-- I forgot to ask.

- Well, I think it's time to celebrate. - Yes!

- Looks like we've got a hit on our hands.

- Claude. Congratulations. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey. Congratulations, everybody. - [applause]

LEAH: [laughs] Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a real treat for you today.

- Okay-- wait, wait, wait, wait, easy with the spoilers.

This requires a little dramatic buildup.

- Okay. Here it is.

Now you know that I'm not a big fan

of these high-budget action films.

- Here she goes again, with her love of fancy foreign films.

- I have discerning taste. This is my buildup.

This is what you requested. - Continue.

- This movie by Claude Van De Velde moved me.

I got to say. - It's an incredible film.

- And... - I've seen it 27 times.

Team Van De Velde right here. - [cheering, applause]

- The hero of this movie

is not the action star that you would expect.

The one that really saves the day.

Well, we have him here today.

Ladies and gentlemen... - [cheering, applause]

- ...Sassy the Squirrel. [chitters]

- Aw, Sassy...

- Oh, you're a lot bigger in person.

- Oh, hell no.

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