Original subtitles

[door opens, shuts]

KEVIN: Hey.

I brought you some breakfast as a peace offering.

Food here is a little tricky.

It's just a closet full of beef jerky.

Apparently, Macho Man Randy Savage was an alum here,

and he left his entire food supply to Ron in his will, so,

snap into a Slim Jim?

- Care to join me for breakfast?

- Of course.

Jerky for two. [chuckles]

Um... look,

I wanted to apologize.

You know, I didn't mean to... - Stab me?

- Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.

Look, Ron-Ron is crazy.

I'm serious. He's-he's nuts.

Sick-in-the-head crazy.

And I'm convinced that that motherfucker killed

a dude named Rodrigo.

And the motherfucker tried to kill me

just for being around his office.

And as far as your arm goes, I know you think I'm lying...

I heard "retractable."

- You know, I've dated guys like you before.

It's always someone else's fault.

- That's not true.

That's not true at all. When I'm wrong, I...

I shouldn't say that 'cause I'm never wrong.

If... if I'm wrong,

I have no problem admitting that I'm wrong.

But in this case, I'm not. He said "retractable."

- Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.

It's a badge of honor.

I heard when Jason Statham came through here,

he got stabbed directly in the heart.

- Did he survive that?

- He shot Transporter, like, a week later.

- What the fuck?

In the heart? They stabbed him in the heart?

- Yep, right through it. - Goddamn it.

Maybe I'm just doing the wrong fucking thing here.

I mean... [laughs]

...maybe this just isn't for me, you know?

- So, just leave.

Go home. I'm sure there's

a real hero somewhere in need of a goofy sidekick.

- Okay, uh, that backfired.

I thought that you would go the opposite direction

and tell me that, no, I should stay,

and that this is for me.

That's what I... thought...

- Well, what do you want me to say?

If you need extra motivation to be the star

of a Claude Van De Velde movie... [chuckles]

...uh, you're in the wrong business.

This is probably my only shot to be a big action star, so

I'm not gonna blow it.

I'll do anything it takes.

- You're right.

You are absolutely right.

I need to stop all the bitching and moaning,

and I need to cowboy the fuck up.

- There you go.

[dramatic music plays]

- When I first started in the business,

training action stars,

every stunt scene was practical.

Or, as Kevin might say, "retractable." [laughs]

- Oh, that's really good. That's great.

It's not funny. - But the industry has changed.

You can't even be an action star without,

well, knowing how to work green.

- Uh, I'm very familiar with the green screen.

I mean, I've done about 15 movies

where we've had a green screen.

- In which of those 15 movies were you the leading man?

Any idiot can jump on a green screen

and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.

Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.

- Oh, hell no!

- Okay, who's finding the time to dress him like me?

It's really... WILCOX: Okay, question.

What does a leading woman or a leading man

get to do on-screen that sidekicks don't?

- Win fights. - Uh, murder bad guys.

- Make love.

Today's lesson is in lovemaking.

- Yes!

[clears throat] On the green screen?

Are we doing it on the green screen?

- Bingo. KEVIN: Nice.

Adding effects to the bed, to the wall, just cracking 'em.

- Okay, I'm gonna be candid.

I-I don't want to do a sex scene with him.

- That's fine, 'cause I don't want

to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.

- [Jordan and Wilcox laugh]

- What's so funny? - Okay, well, look at you,

and then look at her.

And look at you, then her.

Then you, then her. - Okay.

I don't get the joke. What is...? What-what am I missing?

- All right, let me put it another way. Uh...

Look at you, and then look at her.

[laughs] Then look at you, and then her.

- Can we just get this shit over with, please?

- Okay, let's discuss motivation.

All right, now...

after almost killing each other,

Agent Hart and Agent King

discover that they're on the same team.

After diffusing a bomb,

at the top of a skyscraper,

in-in the middle of an earthquake,

they discover this overwhelming passion for each other.

- Wait, wait, wait. We-We're at the top of a skyscraper

in the middle of an earthquake?

- Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!

You are the dumbest actor that I've ever worked with!

Go! Action!

[rhythmic beeping] - Red wire... or blue wire?

- It's got to be the red. - Are you sure?

Agent Hart, are you sure?

- I don't know.

[dramatic music playing]

[beeping speeds up]

[exhales]

- [soft chuckle]

♪

WILCOX: Earthquake. Earthquake!

The building's falling apart!

- Oh, okay, um... - Oh, okay.

WILCOX: Good, great.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

Hold on! Wait! Oh!

Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.- Kevin.

- Hold on, wait, give me a second! Shit!

- Okay. - Okay, all right.

Come on, it's an earthquake. It's an earthquake.

Go. - Yeah.

- Go. - Agent Hart,

I can't believe we just diffused that bomb.

We just saved thousands of lives, maybe millions.

- This earthquake's got to be about a 7.5 magnitude.

This could be our last time being together before we die.

- Now kiss her neck softly and start fucking.

[wires squeaking] - What...? Wait.

Kiss-kiss her neck and then start fucking?

- Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!

- Oh, okay. He... - Uh...

- I'm just gonna do it 'cause that's what he s...

- Yeah, no, it's fine. - Yeah, let me put your...

Give me that. WILCOX: Be sexy! Do something!

- Grab my leg. - Okay, give me this one.

- Have you never had sex before?! Do it!

- That's not... - We need... All right.

One second. That's it. - I think we got it.

WILCOX: Go! Go!

- Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.

It's against Bureau protocol.

- Well, protocol was meant to be broken.

[screams]

Help! Help! Don't drop me! Don't drop me!

Please don't let go! Don't let go!

- I won't! I got you! - Don't let go!

- I've got you, I promise!

CLAUDE: Can you push in a little closer?

KEVIN: Help me! Help me!

I'm too young to die!

- Any closer, they'll see the cameras.

- Okay, good. Hold there.

JORDAN: I got you. - Perfect.

- Help! - Kevin, you're, like, one foot

off the ground. - You cannot teach acting like that.

JORDAN: I'm just gonna let you down, okay?

KEVIN: Aah!

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