Original subtitles

JORDAN: Is he okay? - [coughing]

WILCOX: Oh, he's fine.

When Gal Gadot was training with me,

she was on fire for 12 minutes.

She put herself out with a blanket.

He barely lasted 12 seconds. - [both chuckle]

- This is funny to you? - Hey.

A leading man must learn not to sweat the small stuff.

- What are you talking about, the small stuff?

I was on fucking fire,

Coach Ron! - Hey! Knock it off.

There's a lady present, and I want you to meet her.

Agent Hart, this is Agent Jordan King.

She'll be your bunkmate.

- It is a pleasure to meet you. My pleasure.

Okay, you want to explain to me why she gets

this nice introduction?

Why isn't she getting hit in the head with a bat?

When you gonna bop her?

- Excuse me? - Okay, you know...

[chuckles] Just, when he does this kind of thing,

I just zone him out, when he starts to whine.

Come on, I'll give you a tour. - Okay.

- Now, this used to be a slaughterhouse years ago,

up till the '70s.

[dramatic music plays]

WILCOX: This brings me to rule number two:

there will be no sexual intercourse on the premises.

- [chuckles] Uh, yeah, um, that won't be a problem.

- [both laugh]

- I didn't think it would be.

- I know you have to say it.

It-it's fine, we're good. [laughs]

- All right. So, hey, take a beat.

Okay? Relax, and we'll see you out in 20

on the training ground, okay?

- Thanks, Ron. You're the best.

- Hey. It's a pleasure.

[laughs]

[door closes]

- Dude is a fucking sociopath.

- How do you mean?

- How do I mean?

Do you really want to know how I mean?

'Cause I was here a couple days ago when shit hit the fan.

There was a guy in here accusing him

of murdering some dude named Rodrigo.

- Rodrigo? - Yes, Rodrigo.

Saw the whole thing. And, when I first walked in this bitch,

they hit me in the head with a bat.

Not no plastic bat. With a fucking metal bat.

And today, today, he let me catch myself on fire.

- "Let me catch myself on fire."

- I don't know why you got to sound it out. Yes.

Let me catch--

No, I see right there, that, 'cause if you slow it down...

You slow it down, it don't sound right,

but you get what I'm saying.

It happened. It fucking happened.

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just,

I don't have my phone, it's weird in here.

Stuff is just starting to fuck with me.

Maybe, maybe I'm going a little stir-crazy.

I don't know.

Mmm-- That's shit.

It's shit water.

[sniffs] Yep. Goddamn it.

- Well, you're not alone anymore. So...

- Yeah, well, maybe, but...

Hey, do I know you?

- Uh...

- [gasps] I do!

Fuck! You're the girl from that sitcom, with the robot.

The robot that was a butler, right?

You used to argue with the butler.

"Uh-uh, get the fuck out of here, bu..."

You'd do the thing. "Butler bitch."

Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

That's me. - Wow.

- Well, was. I just quit.

Kathryn Bigelow offered me the lead

in her next movie, which is huge...

- Get out. - ...since there are, like,

what, three total action roles for women?

- Well, it's a lot more than that, but congrats.

Are you-- I mean, want me to name 'em?

[chuckles] Let me go down the list.

You got Wonder Woman, right? You have the Black Widow.

You got, um... What's the one, with the woman?

With the, uh... [snapping fingers]

She's, uh...

The-- What's... That's three.

- Anyway, um, it's all riding on this action school.

Just got to prove to Ron that I've got the chops,

that I'm fit enough.

- You ain't got to prove that to nobody. You are fit.

[chuckles] When you walked in that door, I said, "Goddamn."

[laughs] Not like that.

I'm not saying it like that.

I don't mean it that way.

- I'm just here to train,

not make friends. - Yeah.

- So, just to be clear.

- We're-we're here for the same thing, right? Fuck friendship.

- Good. - Yeah.

- Mind if I use the bathroom?

- Do what you got to do. Bathroom right there.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna need you to just...

- Oh. You got to shit.

[dramatic music playing]

WILCOX: Now, in this lesson,

we're going to focus and explore the action star's motivations.

Agent King. What is your motivation?

- After working undercover in Paris,

I go down to the basement of the Louvre,

where I thwart the theft of an ancient Egyptian artifact,

when I'm accosted by a rogue agent.

- Good. Agent Hart?

- "Accost"? That's a little strong, isn't it?

- What the fuck?

Focus. Focus.

And...?

- Okay, all right. I'm-I'm an agent.

- Yes. - I'm an agent, and,

um, basically, I got to, I got to go get

Agent King-- I got to seduce,

I got to seduce Agent King in the basement of the Louvre.

And wh-- Just a question, is this, like, some James Bond

fan fiction or something? What...? - And action.

[suspenseful music playing]

Agent King?

- Who wants to know?

- Agent Hart.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Not so fast.

Look, you're in great danger.

And the only cure for it is to come with me to my bedroom.

[squeaks]

[yelping] - Seduce her, goddamn it!

Seduce her!

Lure her into the car!

- [yelps]

[wheezes]

[high-pitched]: Get in my car.

Get in my car?

Fucking creep.

- [regular pitch]: What'd you call...? [grunts]

[grunting]

[groans]

What the fuck was that? WILCOX: Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep going, keep going.

- What the fuck you mean, "keep going"?

What the fuck, man? - You have a problem, Agent Hart?

- Yeah, I got a problem, motherfucker. - What is it?

- She's Bruce Lee and I'm some weird creeper.

- Oh, it's too challenging for you to seduce her. Is that it?

- Uh, yes, it is, when you got me looking...

I see what you're doing. [laughs]

You're trying to get me all riled up.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not falling for your little trap,

and I'm not going back over here to fight

this fucking jiujitsu master with sexy talk.

- Oh. You want a change of motivation.

- Yeah, I do. - Okay. This is your new motivation.

She's a Russian mole pretending to be an FBI agent.

You eliminate her with this.

[whispers]: It's a prop knife, right?

- Retractable.

Now go in there and show her who's boss.

- Now we're fucking talking.

You say she a Russian mole, right?

Okay. I don't like that.

Down goes the mole. Huh? [grunts]

Shit. Goddamn it.

[whispers] Hey. I'm about to stab you in a sec, okay?

Wait a minute.

It's a prop knife. Knock it off-- No.

Ow! What the... Oh, oh, you got to sell it,

make it look real.

Fuck! Ow!

- [screams] What the fuck?!

[groans] - Real blood.

[knife clatters] [belches]

JORDAN: Oh, my God. WILCOX: What have you done to her?

What have you done to her?

- I'm so sorry. I thought,

I thought you said it was a retractable.

- Oh, God. - I said it was "practical."

It's a practical knife! It's a real knife!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God, she's passing out.

- Oh, shit. - I'm gonna have to stitch her up.

- I've got a medical kit in my office.

- All right, I'll go grab it. - No.

-Ow, ow, ow. -Go to your room!

You're grounded!

- No. What are you talking about? I'll go grab it.

- No!

My office is off-limits to students.

I said my office is off-limits.

If you disobey me again,

the next time I throw that knife,

it'll be through your fucking skull.

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