Original subtitles

[inhales sharply]

[grunts, groans]

[sputters]

- Welcome to Ron Wilcox's Action Star School.

I'm Ron Wilcox, and that was your first lesson.

- Getting hit in the head with a bat?

- Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.

It was made of plastic. - Wasn't goddamn plastic.

I've been hit with a bat before.

I know what a metal bat fucking feel like.

- All right, hey. Mr. Van De Velde told me to tell him

if you complain about anything being too difficult.

- No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not complaining.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm not complaining about nothing. I loved that.

- Mm-hmm. - I thought it was great,

to be honest with you. Gave me a rush. - Good. Let's take the tour.

- Yeah. - Come on.

This place used to be a slaughterhouse

up until the '70s, and then, as legend has it,

the animals revolted against their tormentors

and they slaughtered the humans.

KEVIN: Oh, my God. - And my pal Charles Norris--

you know him as Chuck-- well, he needed a place to train.

- Mm-hmm. - I bought it, I mentored him.

And that's why he's the badass that he is today.

[exhales sharply] Yeah.

He nearly died within these walls.

And that's how Ron Wilcox's Action Star School got born.

- Ron Wilcox's ASS for short.

- What the fuck did you just say to me?

- Did Matt get... Matt Damon go here?

[laughs] Oh, Matty boy!

Fuck yeah!

Matt Damon. Before he came to me,

he was a no-name actor from New England.

He was nothing. He was 100 pounds soaking wet.

- Uh, you sure we're talking about the same Matt Damon?

- Hell yeah. Matt Damon.

- Huh. Okay. [phone ringing]

Yeah. If you say... - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Rule number one: no phones till you graduate.

- Okay, I-I run an empire, so unfortunately, I need my...

- Okay, fine. You know what I'll do?

I'll just call Mr. Van De Velde, and I'll tell him, "Oh,

"the phone policy wasn't working for him.

It-it wasn't to his liking."

- I never s... - I know what you're gonna do with this.

You're gonna make calls to Hollywood, you're gonna say,

"Hello, Hollywood, Ron's school is too tough for me.

I need more drugs."

- No. - Yeah. You're gonna say,

"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart. I need more caviar and champagne."

- I just want to talk to my employees.

- That's fine, but I'm still keeping it.

- Okay.

[dramatic music plays]

[sighs]

- Okay. Until you graduate, you are forbidden

from visiting the outside world.

You'll stay here.

- Say what? - You got your bed,

you got your toilet, you got your sink.

All the modern amenities.

[metal thudding, creaking]

- Okay. It's supposed to toughen me up.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah. I'm good with that.

Yeah.

Might be a little too good with it.

- And rule number two: no fucking on the premises.

No anal, no blowjobs, no nothing.

- Who else is here?

- Just me.

- So those-those two Colombian guys that hit me

in the head with the prop bat, they were actors, right?

- Yeah. Exactly.

Okay, rule number three:

when you're under this roof, your name is no longer Kevin.

It's Agent Hart.

And you'll refer to me

as Ron Wilcox or Ron or Wilcox or Coach Ron.

- I like Coach Ron. - And I refer to you as?

- Agent Hart. Right? See, I'm on it. - Right. Yes.

- Now I assume you got me in this FBI jacket and stuff

for a reason, so what is it? - Hey.

Uh, would you do me a favor? - Yeah.

- Uh, Kevin, would you grab that chair for me?

- Yeah, you need this one?

- No, goddamn it!

I said respond only to "Agent Hart."

- Fuck. [sighs]

You just said that. I fucked up.

I'm sorry. That's not gonna happen again.

Why don't you just call me Kevin?

- Okay, in your life, have you ever heard

an action star leading man ever called "Kevin"?

- I mean, Kevin James in Mall Cop. -No, no.

- Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.

Ethan Hunt. That is an action star name.

Tom Cruise-- who's my alumni-- for nine years of his life,

he only responded to "Ethan Hunt."

Whether he was on camera

or off camera, whether he was... - Wow.

- ...in the shower or on the toilet, whether he was fucking

or not fucking. - All right, okay.

I fuck-- I understand, Coach Ron.

- Do you? Do you really?

I hope so.

For your sake, 'cause your life depends on it.

[dramatic music plays]

Okay, next lesson.

Every leading man needs to know how to run

into a burning building and save a stranger.

- Mm.

Wow.

Holy shit, how'd you do that? - And the stranger

that we are going to save today is our own Action Star dummy

Lil Kevin.

- That supposed to be me?

- I don't see the resemblance.

- Are you fucking kidding... - No, w--

We-we've had this dummy for years, buddy.

DUMMY: Oh, hell no!

- Bitch, that's my line.

I've said that line in, like, 12 movies.

- Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?

- No. - Do you think the whole world is all about you?

- That's not, I'm not... - No, no.

You look at you and then you look at him.

- That's why I... - Look at you and look at him.

Do you see any resemblance?

- Kinda sorta, man.

O-Okay. All right, okay.

Maybe I'm crazy.

DUMMY: Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no! Help!

Help me! Oh, hell no!

- Now, safety during stunts is of the utmost importance.

- Yeah, but I mean, that's why you got stuntmen, right?

- Watch it.

- No, for the other guys. Not for me.

The-the lightweights. I don't...

- Okay. Your jacket is flame-retardant,

which means that if you catch on fire,

don't panic, I will come in and put you out.

- Okay. Y-You're gonna...

Ok-- I feel, I feel good, I feel good about that.

- When you're ready, I want you to storm the house,

find the victim and bring him to safety.

- [growling]

- What is that?

- [growling]

- What are you doing? I-I don't...

I don't... - [barking]

Psyching myself up.

[barking]

[growling]

[howling]

It's hot.

Hot.

[barking]

[coughing]

[hacking]

It's fucking hot! Where the fuck are you at?

Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.

Lil Kev?

- Excuse me?

Are you Ron Wilcox? - Well, hello.

How are you? - Jordan King.

- We've been waiting for you. - [chuckles]

DUMMY: Help! Help me! - I got you, buddy.

I got you, Little Kev! - Oh, hell no!

I'm about to save your little beautiful black ass.

[coughing] - Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

KEVIN: What the fuck? - Help! Help me!

- Who's this? What the...? - Oh, hell no!

- Oh! [screams] - Help! Help me!

[screams]

Oh, hell no! - It's fucking hot!

- Help! Help me! - Get your ass up.

- Yeah, um, I'm just so nervous.

[chuckles] I've never been in an action movie before.

I just want bring my A game here.

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - 90% is mental, okay?

- It's hot! It's hot! - You are gonna be fantastic.

- Coach Ron! [screaming] - I just know it.

- Oh, shit, is he okay?

- Oh, Christ, you leave this guy alone for five seconds. Geez.

KEVIN: Put me out! Put me out, put me out, put me out!

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