Original subtitles

Zoe.

You know I've loved getting to know you.

You're beautiful.

And smart.

And, uh... exuberant.

A strong woman like you

deserves to be with someone who is truly her match.

I'm sorry, Zoe,

but I'm not that man.

Oh.

- Yeah, you are. - Nah.

Like, I'd never even heard the word "exuberant" before you used it.

Yeah, and I'd never heard of high-intensity interval training,

but now look, repping squats all day.

- Seriously. - It's going pretty good.

- Yeah. - Wait, Zoe.

Look, I'm sorry, but you're not my match.

So, what you're saying is, um...

maybe if I'd laughed a little bit harder at your jokes.

- Come on, don't do this. - Or maybe...

Maybe if I'd copped more of a feel

of your balls under the blanket

while 15 people stood around filming.

Maybe then I'd be your match?

Are we still shooting?

I can't believe I got sucked into this shit.

And for what?

For a hot dummy who thinks the moon is the sun's shadow.

- Are you kidding me? - this shit!

Yeah, well, some of us are here for love.

Oh, love? Oh, are you here for love?

- Yeah. - Really?

Because nothing says love

like promoting your online fitness app in between rose ceremonies.

- But I guess I'm the fame whore. - Are we gonna cut?

For hoping that maybe a radio hosting gig would come out of this sexist shit.

- I think we should cut. - Or a podcast at the very least.

This whole show is as fake as your spray tan, mate.

These fake flowers?

- Fake, fake... - Calm down.

Well, that one's real, but it's not attached to anything.

There's no ceiling in here.

Bullshit!

Oh, and the cheese that we never even eat!

- And the doves. - Not the doves.

Don't even get me started on the doves.

- Don't touch my doves. - Out of my way.

- Don't touch 'em. - The love birds,

rats of the sky that make single women everywhere feel shit about themselves.

She's lost the friggin' plot.

- Still rolling. Do not... - you!

- Zoe... - Come on, out you get!

Zoe, just stop.

- Zoe, don't! - Go on! Go! Go on! Go!

Get out of here!

Oh, my God!

This is gold. Don't cut. Do not cut.

It shat in my mouth.

♪ Is there any possibility you'll quit gossiping about me ♪

♪ To hide your insecurities? ♪

♪ All they say is, "Na, na, na, na, na" ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪♪

Oh, no, no, no.

Is this the way it's gonna be between us?

You acting like a little bitch, and me

realizing I'm talking to myself out loud again?

Oi! Thought we were having a moment.

What the fuck?

Bitch, this is an emergency.

I was given a bad edit!

Shit. Okay.

So, besides organizing our reunion, which has kept me busy,

I'm currently on track for pre-selection in 2036

if the bellwether sticks.

Uh, uh, no, no, no.

Teresa, that is your fourth blue one this hour.

Slow down or drink an orange one, for God's sake.

Do you want an orange one?

- Well... I was... - They're really nice.

So, um...

do you know if Zoe mentioned if she was coming or not?

Not a word.

Just because a bird took a dump

in your mouth on national television,

it doesn't mean you get a hall pass on RSVPs.

Yeah.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I know you were school captain, but

you just disappeared halfway through the year.

And, whatever, technically, I was caretaker school captain,

- but someone had to step up. - Of course, no question.

Speaking of upgrades, have you been reintroduced to Saskia 2.0 yet?

Did you know that for every pack of tampon Saskia sells, she donates another pack

to chicks in, like, poor countries?

I mean, don't say people can't change.

Didn't she make your life hell, Genevieve?

Didn't she make your life hell, Amelia?

Anyway, why did you leave?

Rumor is you got expelled for fucking that staff member.

That's not why I left.

You have made that sound way more scandalous than it was.

Well, what then?

Why did you...

- Sorry. - What, you married him?

You didn't include that in your bio.

- You having fun up there, babe? - It's worse than I thought.

They think I ran off with the bloody maths teacher.

Well, a 19-year-old groundkeeper's assistant is way sexier.

So, did she show?

No. Told you she wouldn't.

Ah, come on, you only just got there.

I'm gonna head home.

Oh, but, Mels, it's a six-hour drive.

Stay. She might show...

Hello? Danny?

Reception's shit up here.

I can't even get 3G!

"Go to higher ground, Zoe."

"Yes, Dad, I am."

"You know, your old school is the nearest evacuation point

in a weather emergency, Zoe."

"Uh, yeah, Dad. I know that.

I'm literally going to the school right now."

"How come you never talk to me in your imaginary conversations, Zoe?"

"Now is really not the time, Mum."

"Is that why you decided to hole up in your dad's sad little caravan

instead of coming to stay in my nice big house with me?"

Oh, my God, stop talking to yourself!

He's got over a million followers now.

And the timing of this little event was perfect

because Constable had a cover shoot for Dogue in Seminyak.

So I figured I'd make an appearance while I was in the neighborhood.

You are the best exchange student ever.

- Is he here or... - No, he's at a puppy spa in Bondi.

- Oh. - But here is my baby

at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Oh!

Oh, Teresa, she didn't mean "baby" baby.

Guys, guys, pff, we can, what, we can use the word "baby."

Lots of couples, they fail the first round of IVF.

And somewhere in a little freezer in Brisbane,

my embryos are like, "Whoo!

You party while you can, Mama,

because next time we're gonna stay in your big warm uterus."

And I'm like, "Okay, babies." 'Cause I'm fine.

Ter...

Ah, no! No!

Well, I'm sorry. It's just that I traveled halfway across the world

to catch up with my best friend

and all she can do is bitch about her shriveled fucking womb.

I mean, who even does IVF at our age?

- Guys, I'm going to go. - No, no, no, no.

We haven't even spoken about Zoe and The Match and also why you left school.

- I've really got to go, guys. - Mmm.

Jeez.

So, what is it that you do now, Renee?

- Um, I am a nail technician. - Oh, darling.

You... Don't, don't tell people that.

No exploding water.

Just years of high school scar tissue coming back.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Hey, excuse me.

Where's the emergency meeting point or whatever?

Hello?

Rude.

Nah. Nothing.

I can't believe how well everyone's doing, hey?

Yeah.

All of these rich girls

who were handed every social privilege on a silver platter, you know?

While, um, a scholarship scab like me had to sell my plasma

just so I could afford to go on a ski trip.

- Oh... - But, yeah, everyone's doing so well.

It's nice that you came anyway, Phoebe.

Don't flatter yourself. My boss reckons

he won't give me a bonus till he can see I've done some human shit.

Uh, what is it that you do anyway?

Renny?

It's Renee. Yeah.

Um, I am...

a doctor. Yes.

Nice.

Oh, my God, she came!

Ah!

What the fuck is going on here?

I'm so happy you're here. You know, screw him and his interval training.

He doesn't deserve you.

Is this our reunion?

- Yes! - Ten years, dum-dum.

Too famous to RSVP, are we?

Um, is this still where the evacuation point is?

Didn't you get the emails?

- There have been emails. - No, I haven't been on email.

- But have you guys seen... - No one could contact you.

That was kind of the point.

Zoe, when people don't RSVP, it makes catering impossible...

Oh, shh, Pepé.

- Don't call me that. - Drink up, Zo-Zo.

- Whoo! - Tell us what the mansion was like.

Do you get to keep dresses from the show?

No, they're hired.

But, guys, listen, because the birds outside were flying around in circles...

Hope you had your mouth closed this time, babe.

What does bird shit taste like, Zoe?

It is perfectly fine to be afraid of birds after what you've been through.

The ground was shaking, and then all of these little cracks...

Remember the time she cried wolf about a gas leak in the chemistry labs

to get out of the exam?

"Oh, can you smell that?"

Please, listen! Please, listen!

Or when she said she met Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Or when she got caught smoking and the fire alarm went off,

so she told Sister Bicky...

The fucking Earth is cracking open and gushing everywhere!

And I'm not crazy. I was just given a bad edit.

- Zoe... - Are you okay?

Uh... Uh...

Hey, you've been through a lot.

Why don't you just take a minute? Go and splash some water on your face.

Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Off you go.

God, I love a sequel.

What's wrong with you?

Put your phone away. She's clearly unwell.

Okay, Sas.

As if you wouldn't have been all over that shit at school.

I was a cunt in high school, Sandy. Some of us grow out of it.

See? I told you she's changed.

It's fine, Zoe. It was just some weird weather at Dad's place,

and it's not even happening here.

No cracks, no water explosions.

It's totally fine.

And they're right. They're right. You have been through a lot.

And you do tend to exaggerate.

And you do make drama.

Even though you totally did meet JTT.

But that is not the point. The point is

that everything is going to be fine and you're going to go out there

and you're going to be normal and you're going to have fun.

Mm!

And you're going to stop talking to yourself in the mirror.

I can't have BO on my forehead. I just can't.

- It's the hats. - The hats?

It's the stupid scratchy hats.

Oh!

- Hey! - Hey.

Hi!

Zoe, are you okay?

- You just... You seem... - Batshit crazy?

Yeah, I know.

Um, I think it's just, like, six months off the grid, you know?

My sense of humor's a bit, bit funky.

Okay, good.

Um, I'm glad you're okay. I'm gonna go.

Um, Amelia, hang on.

Hi.

How are you?

How have you been for, like, you know,

every minute of every day for the last ten years?

Not much to tell, really, um...

Danny and I took over the farm from my parents, so we're still there,

farming peanuts.

Danny? Like, "Danny" Danny?

Cool.

But I also have a half-finished online law degree.

That's awesome.

Laying it out like that, that sounds really fucking depressing.

So, yeah, I'm glad you're okay. I'm just, I'm really...

You can't go out there, actually.

Because, um...

Because I need you to sniff my forehead.

I'm serious, because they're all talking shit about me out there

and it's the only thing that makes me feel better,

- so come on, do it. - I'm not going to sniff your forehead.

Sniff it. I need you to, please.

- It's so weird. - Please.

- It's weird. - Please. It makes me feel so much better.

- No. - Come on.

Come on, sniff it.

Oh, you fucking did it!

Oh, my God, Zoe! You made me do that.

- You... - Ah!

Please, just stay here.

Because I don't want the CliffsNotes of your life. Okay?

You can go back out there, back to the farm,

back to real life, any old time,

but for now, please, just stay and have a drink with me.

It's been a decade.

One drink.

- Excellent. - Then I have to go.

Fine, but I'm keeping these for now.

Are Tegan and Megan still here?

Uh, yeah, last I heard, they were out on the fingering bench.

Fantastic. Then I will see you shortly, you friggin' weirdo.

You riding a unicorn that's peeing itself on a pink cloud.

Oh, shit, it's the gracious runner-up herself.

Thought you were MIA.

Tegan.

Megan.

Oi.

Do you remember a chick from our year called Laura Cunningham?

Uh...

- No, why? - She died, dude.

- Yeah, look, there's a sad little plaque. - Buh-bam.

Some bitches getting married, some popping out kids,

this chick is getting hymens wiped all of her memorial plaque

every time there's a school disco.

R.I.P.

Sad.

Um...

Do you have anything stronger?

- Ooh! - Okay.

You want to go up or down, girlfriend?

Up. Real fast.

Fast enough to forget how badly

I interpreted the dress code, right?

- Look, no payment necessary. - Oh!

What you did on The Match was peak TV.

- I was living. - Oh, living.

Happy to be of service.

Thanks.

Um...

Is everything good out here?

Fucking A. Beautiful spot to avoid those judgmental bitches.

Great.

Laura Cunningham, I bequeath this joint upon thine lips.

Puff, puff, puff.

- Better? - Damn fucking yes, bitches!

Ooh, wow.

No, I wouldn't call myself a hero, but if you want to, that's fine.

I don't understand how you can call me your best friend and unfollow my dog.

- Doesn't really seem... - Second wind, here I come.

Ugh!

Oh, my God, and...

But it's more than that...

And it's like, being a doctor, like, it's, it's not a job for me,

you know what I mean? It's more of a vocation.

Uh, Sandy, there's a line.

- Settle down, Pepé Le Poo. - Don't call me that.

Well, don't shit yourself at grade-nine camp and we won't have to, PLP.

She wasn't even here in grade nine.

It's like you never left oh, captain, my captain.

Actually, um, on that topic...

Ooh, Too Cools in the photobooth.

Wait for me, fellow TCs.

Why do white women always feel the need to do shit like this?

Hey, Zoe.

Can I grab my keys? I need to... I need to go.

You can't leave. It's the dance.

I don't know the dance. I wasn't here, remember?

It's okay, it's fine. We'll teach you. It's super easy.

Not all of us are willing to make a fool of ourselves

for excitement's sake, Zoe.

I guess I should just be grateful that you're actually saying goodbye this time

instead of just disappearing, huh?

Can I get my keys, please, Zoe?

Do you know how that felt, Amelia?

Getting shafted between my parents, and then you just ghosted me, too?

I don't know what I was expecting from you.

Oh, yeah, no, cool.

Cool, just bail.

Because that's what you do. See ya.

What the fuck?

Um...

We have a... a situation at the fingering bench.

Uh, just checking, you guys see it too, right?

'Cause either there's water everywhere

or this THC really is the fucking tits,

you know?

Oh, my fucking God!

Guys, guys.

Ladies of Ridge Heights!

Let's stay calm!

It's just a flash flood.

Pepé, we're on top of a fucking mountain.

- I don't think we're tripping. - No, old classic, eh?

Fuck!

No, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Well, someone's gotta help them. They're clearly off their faces.

There might be diseases and stuff in the water.

Uh, medically speaking, it's a bad idea, right, Renee?

Uh...

Yes. Medically speaking, don't do it.

- It's okay. - Zoe.

Wait up, Sas.

Yeah. Yes.

Come. Come.

I'm too young and beautiful to...

Don't abandon us, I'm scared!

I just farted out of my butthole.

Well, I guess we can't go in the water.

- I have an idea. - Melly was fucking there right after me.

It's fuchsia, not salmon.

Shut up, Sandy.

Ladies! Stop!

As former school captain, I believe the best course of action

is to leave Tweedledum and Tweedledickhead up there until the waters go down.

Wait, Pepé, weren't you caretaker school captain?

Stop calling me that.

Are you going to say anything, Saskia?

Little nickname still sticks.

Yeah. Don't call her that.

Okay. I cannot find my fucking bag, and no one is helping me look.

It's not the most important thing.

It is important right now.

I have an idea.

What if we tied all the balloons from the party together

and place the trestle table on top of some kind of flotation device?

Sorry. Who are you?

Laura Cunningham.

Wait, aren't you dead?

Uh, n... No, no.

Uh, yes, you are.

We put a memorial plaque on the fingering bench and everything.

Oh, that's nice.

But I'm not dead.

Wouldn't you have figured that out when you realized there was no funeral?

Which means no one came to my funeral.

- Shit, sorry, Caitlin. - It's Laura.

Net balls will be way more buoyant than balloons,

so why don't we raid the sports shed for all of the net balls that we can find?

And find my bag.

It's a D'Amiré. I...

- Zoe... - Net balls! Let's go

- I can't do it. - Yes, you can.

Just move your fat ass and inch down like I did.

Fuck you, Tegan. Not all of us have man arms like you.

Well, fuck you. Stay there.

Believe in yourself!

Just don't panic!

Slow down your breathing. It'll help!

- Zoe. - Just start backing down, Megan.

Zoe, you said something about cracks rumbling?

What if there's biting dolphins, huh?

- What? - I'm... Mmm.

What did you mean when you said the Earth was gushing?

The seal's not there anymore, Megan.

Can we talk about this a little bit later, please?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Not the seals, the biting dolphins!

What's she talking about?

Now I'm blanking.

Zoe.

Please. Come on!

Oh, the ones that got, like, a pig face.

And they look a bit, "Eh, how are you going?"

- Zoe, what did you mean? - Shut up.

Oh, oh, oh, dugongs!

Dugongs!

Dugong! Yes, a fucking dugong!

Zoe, please. What was leaking?

Oh, my God. Fine, fine.

Okay? All of this fucking weird shit was going down,

and then these cracks started opening up in the ground,

and all this water was gushing out, okay?

You knew it was fucking flooding and you didn't think to say anything?

What? I did. I tried to tell you.

Nobody listened to me. You all thought I was crazy.

Just lower yourself like Tegan!

- No, Zoe. You just got drunk. - You can do it.

Just fucking jump!

This is going well.

It's going really well.

- Say what? - Net, over.

- Net, net, over. - Uh-huh.

- Net, over. - Let's go. Net...

Amelia, hey, what's wrong?

She knew.

She knew it was flooding, or gushing, actually,

if you consult Zoey's thesaurus.

Yeah, okay, I knew some weird shit was going on.

I told you guys that.

I didn't know Noah's bloody Ark was coming up the hill, did I?

You knew?

- You knew? - She just got wasted anyway.

- Hang on. - Oh, my God, America!

Does anybody know what is happening in the Americas?

I need to find Constable! Where the hell is my bag?

- It is a... - D'Amiré.

Jesus, we fucking know.

For God's sake, Zoe, you should have screamed black and blue.

Plus, you owe us 40 bucks for the pill.

Yeah, you don't get freebies when you knew shit and didn't say shit.

I did say shit!

What? Okay. Yeah, fine. Sure.

I knew something was up, but, like,

isn't it better that we're up here instead of out there?

- Huh. - Like, me not harping on about it

actually is kind of the best possible thing for us.

Like, I kind of saved our lives.

You know what? That dude on The Match was right, Zoe.

You're just an attention-craving fame whore.

Good to see you haven't changed a bit.

I haven't changed?

That's a good one, Sandy.

I have been back with you bitches for one night,

and already I know that Genevieve is still a fucking knock.

Saskia is still a bitch.

She's just got a marketing team to hide behind now.

Renee is still a freaking try-hard. Phoebe is a soulless workaholic.

Tegan and Megan, still fucking drug addicts.

Laura, who even are you, honestly?

Sandy, what are you even doing here?

You went to the school for one year and shat on it the whole time.

Like, why did you come?

And you...

You're a disappointment.

You were supposed to be remarkable.

And now you're a redneck peanut farmer living in bumfuck nowhere

with your dead shit high school sweetheart.

Honestly, if I don't see you again for another ten years,

it's fucking fine by me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Pull me back, pull me back!

Mels.

What?

Oh, almost forgot.

Oh, shit!