Original subtitles

What? Are we ready? Okay.

All right, settle everyone, please.

Quiet on the set.

Okay, let's do this.

What I want you to do is when the camera starts moving forward,

just start to drift back to that day...

that moment...

when you knew.

Right?

And roll sound.

Speed.

- Roll camera. - Rolling.

Marker.

Action.

What happened?

Now, he was master of the world.

And though he was not quite sure what to do next,

he would think of something.

-- Subs OCR'ed and corrected by darthfrede --

Look, it's a soldier. He's going to throw a grenade.

Cut.

Action.

Patrick Read Johnson!

Mom!

Patrick Read Johnson!

What did you even need it to be a zebra for, anyway?

It's for one of my films. You don't understand.

You're not a filmmaker.

I'm trying real hard to understand you.

On the good news front,

he did promise the horse would be brown again by dinner.

So I was thinking...

Maybe it's time we thought about adopting another baby.

How many babies do you want to have, exactly?

A dozen?

I'm not sure...

Jesus Christ!

Editing is when you see something in your story that you don't like,

and you just...

take it out.

Take it out.

Cut.

I already got blown up in the grenade scene.

Just jump!

He deserves a childhood.

Everybody deserves a childhood.

I'm not sure it's the childhood they think they deserve.

I think the childhood that people deserve

is the one where they learn how the world works.

- Mom? - I haven't always been wise...

- Line. - ...or done what's right?

We all made mistakes.

It's what we do after we make the mistake that's important.

I don't think we learn how the world works at the movies.

When is the time?

When is he going to learn?

Patrick Read Johnson!

Where's your brother?

Mom, do you mind?

I'll be back... with a shotgun!

Mom! Help... me.

Patrick!

One of you is in big trouble.

Steven Spielberg?

Who the hell is Steven Spielberg?

- You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding?

The guy who made Jaws, the most successful movie of all time?

The movie we're making a sequel to here?

By make, do you mean he produced it?

No, directed it.

Careful, you're bleeding on Moonbase Alpha.

Okay, so tell me, Pat.

What the hell's the difference between a director and a producer?

- Well... - Patrick!

Patrick!

I don't know where you're hiding,

but I'm going to Gunther's in fifteen minutes,

and if you want me to pick up any more film,

you better clean up this shark attack mess before I go.

And don't forget, it's your turn to do the runs.

Producer, director.

Anyway, in Steven Spielberg's first movie, Duel,

this guy's being chased by this old diesel fuel truck he cut off on the highway,

and this truck is, like, the unstoppable ghost truck from hell.

A truck that's been on the highway since the beginning of time and always will be.

And every time this guy thinks he's gotten away from the thing...

Wham! It's right there behind him.

Or in the case of this one shot, in front of him, waiting.

And the way Steven Spielberg shoots it,

he doesn't just have a dorky close up of the guy going...

"Whoa!"

...to his POV of the truck on the road to another shot of the guy reacting.

No, of course not!

No, Spielberg has this car racing up the highway in a long shot,

and suddenly, the car slams on its brakes...

Wham! The camera pulls back to reveal the underside of this dark,

oily, smelly, rumbling, smoldering, mechanical monster waiting for him.

Could you get Hooper's torso?

So the car hitting its brakes is the reaction shot.

The squeal of the car's tires is the main character's scream of terror.

I still don't get how you think you can get away with making a Jaws 2.

I mean, at the end of Jaws 1, the shark's nothing but red mist and bone meal.

No, no, no... Not if it's like the truck in Duel.

Not if it's a shark that's been swimming in the ocean since the beginning of time,

and always will be,

the primordial carnivore instinct made manifest by its insatiable desire to feed.

What the hell are you talking about?

The pool filter will get the rest out?

And what happened to the other six films we started?

We're a movie studio, Bill.

If we're going to make it, we need to work on as many movies as we can.

Or maybe we could just finish one.

Requiem to the Planet of the Apes is almost finished.

Almost finished?

You've been working on it since you were twelve years old.

Well, I want it to be perfect.

Well, shit, Pat,

it's already got a bunch of other twelve-year-olds running around a cornfield,

and bad rubber monkey mask chasing you in a loincloth

pretending to be Charlton Heston.

What could be more perfect than that?

Are you ever going to start taking this stuff seriously?

- Hell no! - Why not?

Because I don't think that making little super eight movies

in Pat Johnson's backyard is my ticket to Hollywood.

Then why do you keep showing up to help?

Because I feel sorry for you, Pat.

Why?

Oh, shit!

What's that?

That wasn't a shotgun. It was my stupid brother Pat!

Patrick, when you dragged your box spring mattress out into the woods

so your German snipers could fall out of the trees without getting killed,

what did I say?

You said, "Patrick..."

Electrons, please!

"...when you painted your sister's horse to look like a zebra,

what did I say?"

After that.

You said that you would always support whatever road I chose to follow,

as long as I was willing to pay the toll.

And I always have been.

I painted Jody's horse brown again.

You were ten.

That was a noble gesture, but you're not ten anymore.

And I'm not paying for another pool filter.

Mom, we don't need a new pool filter.

Why is it that every time I blow the circuit breakers in this house, you panic?

That's what circuit breakers are for... For blowing,

to keep things from breaking when you push them too far.

That's exactly my point. You're pushing things too far.

Mom, the shark attack had to look like it was taking place out at sea, at night.

We couldn't take the shark out to Lake Michigan past the waves,

or it'd be too deep to operate.

Plus, we had to shoot it day for night, because...

I don't have any decent lights,

and we couldn't use them on the water without electrocuting Bill anyway.

So the perfect solution was to shoot it in an insert tank.

It's a swimming pool.

Playing the best music. WLS.

Your car shouldn't blow all your hard earned dough.

She's ready to go with Vesuvio.

Lot of requests for this one to start your day.

Have little Queen along the way.

Good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Warren High School.

And all freaks hiding behind the ROTC jet smoking pot.

This is this year's president of the student body, Bill Holmes,

along with this year's resident of the student body, Pat Johnson.

And these are the morning announcements for... August 23, 1976.

The new school year got off to a rousing start at the pep rally yesterday

with over a hundred members of the Warren Township marching band

all blowing and beating their instruments in unison.

Wrap it up, boys.

Okay, today's menu is an old favorite.

That's right. The cafeteria is serving muttloaf,

served with green'ish beans and your choice of mashed potatoes or tater tits...

I mean tots!

Damn it, Holmes, you cannot say tits in the morning announcements!

Well, you just did.

Besides, my tits was the a typo "tits."

I'm pretty sure it should have read "tots," not "tits."

Damn it, Holmes!

And finally, in the sports report,

the varsity football team, led by quarterback Doug Austerlin,

trounced Stephenson yesterday.

At the victory party, Doug had this to say...

"Oh, man, I think I'm going to hurl!"

What are you idiots doing?

Practicing our pick up routine for parties.

If one of us spots a girl we want to meet, the other one picks a fight

and pretends to beat the crap out of the guy that wants the girl.

Then, the girl comes over and makes sure the guy who got beat up is all right,

and gets him some ice and offers to drive him to the hospital, and...

Finds out he's a lying, cheating ass, and hits him with a shovel?

Only you would think this could work!

Oh, man... I think you're going to hurl.

Today's lesson... Never mess with the alpha male.

Are you okay, Patty?

Did he just say "alpha male"?

Somebody give him some ice.

See, it does work.

I'm the Amazing Alfredo, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll guess your age, your weight, your month of birth.

Who's next?

You? All right.

- What's up with your head? - Some kid threw up on my face.

Again.

It seems you're a lot heavier than I expected.

Grab yourself a prize, young lady,

and try not to eat so many hot dogs?

Oh, you.

You there. What can I guess for you today, young lady?

Come on.

I am the amazing Alfredo, ladies and gentlemen.

Step right up! I'll guess your age, your weight.

- Who's next? - Something up with you and Robin?

All right.

- What can I guess for you today, lady? - What?

- My age. - No.

- Very well. - No.

I'm writing my answer on my official Amazing Alfredo...

Jeez, Donny, she's my best friend's girlfriend.

- Broke up weeks ago. - What?

She wants to get married.

He doesn't.

- What? - That's cheating!

Just making a little conversation here!

Okay, so...

You got anything else, Patty?

This is like old man food.

That's all there was left.

What is "vermouth" anyway?

Did you bring us all out here with the promise of alcohol,

and the most amazing view in Lake County,

and this is what we get?

Patrick!

More booze, Pat.

Go buy some.

With what? This is Pat.

Every dollar he makes shoveling shit goes towards building spaceships for his latest epic.

Get a real job, Pat!

We'll all like you better if you keep giving us more booze.

I'll like you better if you get under this blanket and keep me warm.

It's a free country.

Though, you have to married.

Go to hell, Bill!

What?

Nothing.

What?

Patrick!

Patrick?

Patrick!

What?

Why am I giving you a ride home?

Because my car's in the shop.

Why is your car in the shop?

Have you ever seen Duel?

Okay, well, anyway...

I can't get it out until I earn some money.

And I can't earn some money until I get a job,

which I wouldn't be able to go to if I had one because my car's in the shop.

Why don't you come work at Games?

I don't think I should work in Games...

if, you know...

you and I are...

You and I... aren't.

Because of Bill?

No! Not because of Bill!

I don't give it one damn... damn, about Bill!

This, right now, is because of Bill,

and his journey to the center of Debbie What's-her-pants.

Okay, I...

Well, if you guys are broken up for good,

then why... why not?

Because you're a goofy boy.

But mostly because you're leaving.

What are you talking about?

So go.

Okay.

Wait.

Wait, come here.

Be quiet.

You are going to find the perfect girl for you really soon.

And then you'll finally lose your virginity.

And then I'll be kicking myself because... I didn't get to add it to my collection.

Well, add it, please!

- Pat... - Yeah.

Get out!

Get out.

I'd marry you!

Guys.

Guys.

Check it out.

Is this the coolest thing ever or what?

It's obviously not a natural rock formation.

It's got to be some kind of... exotic alien unobtainium.

But what does it all symbolize?

Does the monolith represent a wall that we're...

destined to throw ourselves against forever,

a headstone for the already doomed human race,

or... is it a doorway...

to the infinite potential afforded by a boundless universe?

There's only one way to find out.

We have to touch it.

Don't be afraid.

This is our big moment.

Just think, somewhere beyond the far corners of the mind's eye,

powerful beings beyond our ten are watching.

For all we know, Douglas Trumbull himself could be watching us,

waiting for us to walk through this quantum mechanical door.

So come on, fellow hominids. Gather round.

Walk right up, walk upright, and touch the monolith.

I can fix this. I...

Patrick Read Johnson!

Oh, no.

What?

Where's your dresser?

Are there schools around that teach you how to be a producer?

Director.

Okay, are there directors schools where you could learn how to really do this

without painting everything we own flat black?

The only good ones are in New York and California,

and they cost way more than we could ever afford.

Well, didn't anyone ever become a director who didn't go to film school?

- Douglas Trumbull. - Well, how did he do it?

Well, he was the visual effects supervisor for 2001: A Space Odyssey.

And he was so good at his job

that when he went to Universal Studios and said that he could do his first film Silent Running for a million dollars,

they actually believed him.

And then he actually did it.

And now he's director.

So to become a director, you have to become a visual effects person first?

No. No, but it's one way.

And it's a way I might have a chance at.

If I could go to L.A. and... and maybe just talk to him,

meet him for a few minutes,

maybe show him one of my films or some of my models,

maybe he'd understand what I'm trying to do.

Maybe I could work for him.

You know, just gluing model parts onto a spaceship for his next movie.

So why don't you call him?

On the phone?

No, just stand in the backyard and shout west.

Yes, on the phone.

Well, first of all, I don't have his number.

Well, did you look for it?

It's probably top secret.

Yeah, to keep dorks like him from calling up all the time,

wanting to meet him.

I think he'd be flattered to know that people are trying to meet him.

Not if he wants to get any real movie work done.

Hey, my movies are real.

Yeah... Real bad.

I know.

Why don't you offer to answer his phone for him?

That way you could meet him and stop the competition from meeting him.

Yeah, okay. All right, fine.

Don't act like your father.

Don't say you're going to try and then chicken out.

I won't.

But if I can't find it, which I probably won't be able to...

Dare to dream, Douglas Trumbull.

...then what?

Then I'll stand in the backyard and shout west.

Well, that might work.

We're sorry.

You have reached a number that has been disconnected

or is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached this recording in error,

please check the number and dial again.

Calling Debbie Froynt again?

No.

I wasn't calling Debbie.

Did she ever smile at you?

Of course she smiled. Why?

Because that's how it works with you, Pat.

You see a girl you like, you stare at her like a puppy hearing a strange noise,

and then you smile this goofy smile,

and if she smiles back, God help her, you fall in love.

- I do not! - Happens every time.

I was trying to find Douglas Trumbull, okay?

Holy shit.

Yeah, I know.

You're gay!

- What? - Come on!

You ignored Debbie Froynt just to call some guy on a Saturday flight?

You're gay, Pat.

I'm not gay, and Douglas Trumbull isn't just some guy.

He's the guy who did the special effects for 2001: A Space Odyssey.

So you're gay for a guy who makes unwatchable movies.

- What? - 2001!

Man, I hate that movie.

No, Bill, you don't really hate it, you just don't understand it.

No, I do really hate it, and nobody understands it.

- I do. - Okay, then...

What the hell is the ending supposed to mean?

Guy flies a spaceship into a hotel room, gets old,

drops his wine glass, and turns into a giant baby floating over the Earth...

What the hell is that?

The hotel room was designed by the alien intelligences observing Dave Bowman

to approximate his natural habitat.

The aliens wanted to know if Dave could try to figure out

how to take the next step in human evolution.

But he can't. He doesn't know what they want from him.

Neither does the audience.

Yeah, exactly, because Dave represents the audience,

and like the audience, he's not ready to see beyond what he expects to see.

So with each moment of missed opportunity to evolve,

he gets older,

his years passing before him in the blink of an eye,

or in this case, a changing of a camera angle, till finally,

maybe just as the answer to the riddle is finally within his grasp,

he's too old to reach out and touch the monolith and receive his final gift of enlightenment.

So the aliens send him back to the evolutionary cradle to start all over again.

No, they don't!

They send him back as a giant baby floating over the Earth.

It's called symbolism, Bill.

Pat.

What the hell does a giant baby floating over the Earth symbolize?

Well, if you're Arthur C. Clark, who wrote the book and is an eternal optimist,

then Dave was sent back as the star child,

the first born in a new breed of man who might one day touch the stars.

If you're Kubrick, who's such a realist, he won't even fly,

then Dave was simply sent back as a cosmic mirror,

held up before the Earth, as if to say to humanity,

this is who you are, and this is all you'll ever be,

a race of selfish, uncomprehending children.

What the hell are you talking about?

You know, you could save a lot of time destroying my reputation

if you just wore a propeller beanie

or spray painted "geek mobile" on the doors of my car.

Oh, my God, you're so gross!

Argent, Hold Your Head Up.

WLS Music Radio 89.

What part of Jaws 2 takes place in a shopping mall?

We're not shooting Jaws 2.

So what? More Requiem for the Planet of the Apes?

And at the end, you're riding up the beach on a horse,

and you see a JC Penney sticking out of the sand?

My God!

They finally really did it.

They marked down the world.

Damn you!

Damn you all to hell!

We're shooting... The Visitor.

What the hell is... The Visitor?

He's this alien that's stranded on Earth...

- ...after these Air Force F-14's... - Pat.

...that were scrambled to find out just what the hell went down...

- ...in the cornfields of Northern Illinois... - Pat.

...spot the heat signature of the car that contains these high school kids...

- ...that saw the alien crash... - Pat!

You don't have enough money to buy lunch.

How the hell are you going to pay for an F-14?

Can you let me out of this thing? It's hot as hell in here.

Yes.

Anyway, for a time,

the visitor believed he might just be able to fit in on this planet.

But now something is changing inside him.

And in this scene, he's finally decided it's not worth living

if he can't live as the alien being he really is.

Hi, Pat.

So he decides to reveal his true self to the people he's lived with all these years.

No matter what the cost.

Fine.

Today's lesson...

Never pretend...

to be part of something...

you're not.

You okay, Patty?

Want me get you some ice?

Why doesn't he ever hit me?

Shut up and lift, Bill.

He's fine. He's used to it.

Oh, no.

Patty.

No, Pat.

No.

Definitely, no!

Hi.

Linda.

You like dog?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I got about forty-three at home.

Linda, would you please do something with that yapping mutt?

We just got one good one.

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to find the exact acoustical center of the theater.

Focus.

Focus!

Got it!

What's my plan?

What's my plan? Yeah.

Of course, I have a plan.

Good morning, Mr. And Mrs. Warren High School.

And a love-sick, sci-fi geek former best friend

skipping school to go make out with their girlfriend.

The plan is... I go out there, I meet Douglas Trumbull...

Laundry's done.

Pat, want to help me with the laundry?

...show him some of my models and drawings,

and maybe some of my films... and get a job.

This doesn't bother you?

Hey!

Does the Pepsi-Cola company know you're using their product as a floor cleaner?

This is your student body president, Bill Holmes,

and my imaginary friend, Pat Johnson.

Hi. I'm Pat.

Let's watch Star Trek. Do you want to see my model shop?

Did you know that the mechanical shark in Jaws is named Bruce after Steven Spielberg's lawyer?

- Can you believe I'm still a virgin? - Really?

Damn it, Holmes.

What? I can't say "virgin"?

Well, there's something we have in common.

Really?

And in the meantime,

I'll be staying with my dad while I save up to get an apartment.

Yes, my dad.

Yes, that dad.

Hey!

Pat said your center speaker is distorting again.

He also asked how the penicillin was working out,

you know, for your...

Yes, he does know about the plan, kind of.

He thinks I'm coming out to check out medical schools.

And what can I guess for you today, little boy?

Guess who I'm in love with?

Let's see... Could it be Douglas Trumbull?

Get off my stage.

What about Linda? Of course she knows the plan.

We planned the plan together.

Cut.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm tired and hungry and full of burrs,

and I can't see anything in this stupid mask.

Maybe he could come up on all fours?

No, a superior being from another planet beckoning us to join him out there,

where we might learn the secrets of the universe,

would not go up his boarding ramp on his hands and knees.

Yeah.

Probably wouldn't arrive in a hubcap filled with Christmas lights either.

Yeah, probably not.

Hey, can I take this stupid thing off?

It smells like feet.

Yeah, go ahead. We're done tonight.

But we didn't get the shot.

We're done. Good night.

Girls ruin everything.

You give me hope for mankind.

Go to hell, Bill.

So have you ever seen one? A UFO?

Well, when I was a kid, I used to watch planes take off from Waukegan Airport.

You could see them just over those trees there.

But you couldn't hear them.

There were just these blazing silent lights coming this way.

And every time a plane took off I thought... or wished...

that it was a UFO coming to take me back.

Back?

I thought that maybe I was an alien.

What could possibly have changed your mind?

Well, my dad said that UFOs didn't exist.

And to prove it,

he drove me down to the airport to watch a plane take off.

Plus, the aliens never did take me.

So where do your alien relatives come from?

A distant star system.

Yeah, what's it called?

Hollywood.

Sounds like you need to go there then.

Not without you.

I never thought I'd find anyone who understood me,

who'd accept me for who I really am.

And then there you were, reading 2001: A Space Odyssey.

And it was like...

That's the first thing you noticed about me?

- That I was reading 2001? - Yeah.

It was so weird.

It was like we were meant to find each other.

What?

Now, he was master of the world,

and he was not quite sure what to do next.

But he would think of something.

Tray?

God, I love this book.

Sorry.

So then I figured... Hey, if I skim through this,

maybe I'll finally understand the movie.

Well, it's really not that hard to understand when you really think about it.

Or if you stay awake.

Don't be mad.

I still love you, even if you're the only sci-fi geek in town.

Patrick Read Johnson!

Great.

Don't worry. I got it, ma.

WLS Music Radio... Holdin' on to Yesterday.

This is Ambrosia.

Calling your gay special effects lover again?

Linda, happy?

Not a great conversation.

No conversation.

She's always working.

What a tramp.

- What? - I was just thinking.

- What? - You should come with me.

Where?

Hollywood.

What? You're a funny guy.

Yo, hey. I got a tow.

Take care of the shop till I get back.

I'm also a practical guy, Pat.

My name's on the sign of Bud's and Sons.

Your name is apparently up in the lights,

somewhere out there, or maybe just in the theater of your mind.

Either way, I'll leave the Hollywood stuff up to you.

Well, if it isn't Mustang Sally and the Pinto Kid.

- Hi, Pat. - Hey.

So I see the SS Bondo is still afloat.

Why don't you let my dad crush that thing and put it out of its misery?

Your dad hasn't seen a car this nice since he was conceived.

- Bill. - At least when my dad rebuilt this baby...

...he put the weight where it counts...

- Bill! - ...under the hood.

He put your mom under the hood?

Try a 454 Holley carbonated V8.

Any time you want to embarrass yourself...

Any time I want to embarrass myself,

I'll borrow your mustache.

- Jeez, Bill. - Come on, guys.

What did you say?

- Time to go home. - Great, look what you did now!

Tony, stop!

Hurry up!

Open up, you pussy!

Who the hell is this guy?

- Tony Vasuvio. - Of Vasuvio's junkyard?

Dino and Lorenzo's brother?

Stupider brother, if you can believe that.

Just go. He can't kill us if he can't catch us.

He can catch us!

- I thought you said there was a V8 under here. - Open the door, nerds!

- There was. - What do you mean, was?

My dad replaced it with something a little less thirsty when the gas prices hit.

- How much less thirsty? - Four cylinders less.

Oh, shit!

Maybe if we run in two different directions, it'll confuse him.

Get down!

You know, he knows we're in here.

He may have a faster car, but I'm a better driver.

Well, you'd have a better chance to prove it if you drove.

- Tony, please. Please, stop! - On the count of three.

- One. - One.

- Two. - Two.

Three!

Jeez, you guys, relax.

Why would we do that with this maniac out here?

Because Tony's cool now.

How did you get him to calm down?

I told him who you were.

And who am I?

My boyfriend.

And who is he to you?

Tony...

His mom and mine have worked together for years.

We've known each other since we were six years old.

He's like an overprotective brother.

I thought you were working the game tonight.

I was, but by the third quarter, Antioch was beating our butts,

and there was nobody left in the stands to buy anything.

Jenny Boziak said she'd cover for me.

My car's still in the shop, so Tony said he'd give me a ride home.

Well, we can give you a ride home.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

And you'd rather ride home with him?

Yes.

If I want to see you again in this lifetime, which I do.

Mom trusts him.

Why not me?

Tony doesn't look at me the way you do.

So I'll quit looking at you like that.

You better not.

- I should go. - I love you.

- That'll help. - With what?

The rest of our lives, silly boy.

Did you just get engaged?

The best thing about an Airedale

is it can take down a grizzly bear

and still be the best playmate your child can ever have.

Did Linda call?

I'm ready to die a horrible, agonizing death in the cold vacuum of space.

All right. Ready?

- Yep. - Here we go.

Now, you're in space so float.

Now you're asphyxiating.

What's "asphyxiating"?

You can't breathe. You don't have any air.

Come on. Like this, like this...

There you go.

Don't look at the camera.

Why would I be looking at anything? I'm dying.

- What if I throw up in space? - You're not going to throw up.

- Wouldn't that be cool? - Don't throw up.

- I'm going to do it. - That's very funny.

- Here I go. - Better not throw up!

That's disgusting.

Don't do that again, okay?

You got it on the lens.

Patrick!

What?

- I have to go to the bathroom. - Can you just hold it?

I guess.

What?

It's Linda.

Misty, knock it off!

Linda, will you please do something about this damn yapping mutt?

Hey! Misty, shut up!

- No, stop. - What?

I thought we were going to get married and have a big house and 2.3 kids.

We don't have to have them tonight.

No, like nine months from now.

What are you in such a hurry for?

You're seventeen years old.

Don't you want to see the world a little,

sow you're wild oats and all that?

No. No, I don't.

I want to be with you. That's all I want.

Oh, shit!

Stop!

He kept asking if you got the shot.

He wanted to make sure that he'd done it right.

He didn't want to waste film.

I feel bad enough, okay?

It isn't just about you.

It's about him too.

He needs a man to be around right now.

- And that's my fault? - No, it's not.

But that doesn't change the fact that with your father gone,

you're the one they all look up to.

They count on you to be there for them.

Yeah, well maybe they shouldn't.

Maybe I'm not ready to be counted on.

Well, maybe you shouldn't be moving so fast with Linda then.

Maybe you should mind your own business.

You are my own business!

I think you should graduate high school first

and find out what it's like to live in the real world.

This isn't the real world. This is your parents' basement.

I just think that before we move in together,

you might want to find a job that pays more than minimum wage.

Yeah, but there aren't any part time jobs in Lake County

that pay more than minimum wage.

That's why I got a second job.

You what?

Mom got me on the late shift at Solo.

Doing what?

Injection molding cups in the machine right next to hers.

Okay, well, maybe your mom could get me a job at the machine next to yours.

Actually, that's where Tony works.

You know, there's an opening at Weebolts managing the men's department.

Well, I'm not real comfortable in a tie.

Were you comfortable in my parents' basement?

And that'll be it for this Amazing Alfredo.

But luckily, due to the miracle of our patented identical costume technology,

you'll hardly even notice the difference,

as I turn things over to... the Amazing Alfredo.

Okay, Rick's watching. Don't embarrass me.

Do I ever?

Oh, my God.

Hi.

Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to introduce myself..

I am...

I am...

Now, he was master of the world...

and he was not quite sure what to do next,

but he would think of something.

I am...

the Amazingly...

Wet Alfredo.

So, I'll guess your age, your weight.

Guess who I'm in love with?

What on earth?

- Janet Johnson, Stoneridge Heritage. - I got the job.

We're going to Gauge's Lake with Bill and Robin to celebrate.

Have I got a dog for you.

He's had all his shots.

He's completely house trained, very well behaved.

He needs a haircut, but we do grooming here as well.

But seriously,

he's been making these little movies since he was nine.

You know, with the home movie camera his dad left behind.

But they're really something.

He did this one which is like those Planet of the Apes movies.

And he and his friends stuck straws up their noses so they could breathe,

and put plaster all over their faces,

and made molds, and sculpted ape faces, and made masks out of liquid latex.

And then they went out and put together sets, and little models,

and shot the whole thing themselves. And it's really good.

And they showed it at all the grade schools around the area.

And he was even in the local paper.

But now all he thinks about is getting out to California and meeting those movie heroes of his,

like what's-his-name... the guy that did all the trick photography on 2001.

Special effects!

Yes, that's right... Douglas Trumbull.

But here we are, in Wadsworth, Illinois, and I just...

I don't know how to help him.

And I certainly don't know anybody in Hollywood.

So here's what I was wondering...

If I could save enough money and get him out there,

do you think maybe you could talk to him, and give him some pointers,

and maybe introduce him to this Douglas Trumbull person?

You're kidding. Of course.

I know there are no guarantees. There never are.

Okay, wonderful.

I'll get him out on a plane this weekend.

Thank you so much, Herb.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

# Hooray for Hollywood! #

# I got you all set up in Hollywood. #

# I called a guy I never met there, #

# now let's cut your hair, and find you something to wear. #

# Who will pay the airfare? #

# Hooray for credit cards! #

# Credit cards! #

Can I help you?

I'm Pat Johnson.

Hi.

I'm Herb Lightman.

Welcome to Hollywood.

Thank you.

I'm also Malcolm Higgins, and Steven Blum,

and Ari Roscoe, and Colin Anderson,

and Felipe Castero Junior.

You write the whole magazine?

When I'm not entertaining the folks from out of town...

and answering the telephone.

S... So,

how does one get to be the editor of American Cinematographer Magazine?

One sets out to become a big Hollywood director.

Again, I just want to thank you so much... for doing this for me.

Thanks a lot.

I take it that thanking people a lot

in advance of their having done anything for you...

is a Johnson family trait.

Herb Lightman.

Hello...

again.

Yeah, he's here, hair and all.

No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

No, it's fine.

No, a haircut won't be necessary.

The Incredible Hulk look is all the rage these days.

Is he what?

Yes, he's still wearing his tie.

No, no... No... No, really, that won't...

No, that won't be necessary.

My thanks is the look in a young person's eyes when I help make their dream come true.

No, really.

I'm happy to help.

What's that?

Of course.

I Will.

I Will.

Yeah.

Okay, you got it.

I can do that.

As soon as I get off the phone.

Okay, bye.

You will never guess who just called.

Yeah. Sorry, she's...

She asked me to remind you...

to thank me...

for doing this.

Thank you.

Sorry. Right, right...

Your thanks is the look in a young person's eyes when you help make their dreams come true.

That's right.

And you know how many times I've had the pleasure of seeing

that look in a young person's eye when their dream comes true?

Precisely never. Why?

Because I've never done this for anyone before. Why?

Because I never wanted to see the look in a young person's eyes

when they realize that their dream is probably not going to come true.

Why?

Because Hollywood is the least conducive place on the planet Earth for anyone's dream

to ever come true.

So why are you doing this for me?

Cause your mother has huge, clanging steel balls.

Because you're here anyway and because you say "thank you" a lot.

Shall we go?

So, tell me something...

Of all the people in Hollywood you could pick to meet, why Douglas Trumbull?

Have you ever seen 2001: A Space Odyssey?

Well, it took a while to finally get to Los Angeles,

but yes, I've seen it.

- Did you understand the ending? - Of course.

Do you?

Let me guess, you're a hand grenade,

and I just pulled the pin.

The riddle is nearly within his grasp,

but he's too old to reach out and touch the monolith and receive his final gift of enlightenment.

So they send him back to the evolutionary cradle to start...

all over again.

Kaboom!

Well, I'm Herb Lightman, if you could call him.

- One minute. - Good.

- Okay. I'll do that. - Sure.

Well, the good news is...

You can go in now.

Thank you.

What's the bad news?

The bad news is that Douglas isn't here today.

Did you tell them I was coming?

I told him I was coming.

Well, I mean...

there's still probably a bunch of cool stuff to see, right?

I could leave him a note.

I have some pictures of my models.

I could leave him my movie and my projector.

I mean, it's worth a try, right?

You're asking the wrong guy.

It's worth a try.

Okay, we have cumulocity.

Roll camera.

Give us a little more speed on the color changes.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Just... Okay, just pull back slowly.

Starting further back and push through the cloud.

So what is this movie called anyway?

It's called Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

What does that mean?

Contact.

Close encounter of the first kind is... a sighting.

Close encounter of the second kind is physical evidence of an encounter.

Close encounter of the third kind is actual contact with the aliens.

It's True UFO Stories Magazine, April 1974.

- Don't swing. - You want a Pepsi?

Sorry... Wait, stop.

Are you serious? Yeah, thank you.

You're messing up the cloud. You've messed up the cloud.

Cut.

How long to reset?

Twenty-five minutes.

Are you the...?

I really think it's four hours.

- You're Steven Spielberg. - Steven.

Hey, Herb.

Come on. Let me show you guys around.

How old is he?

Eleven.

Okay, let's recycle the tank and order some dinner.

When I was a kid, I used to watch planes take off from the local airport.

- Anyone seen Doug? - Of course, to me they weren't airplanes...

- ...they were spaceships. - Doug!

Growing up on all those '50s films with flying saucers

full of aliens coming down to Earth to destroy mankind.

- Where is Doug? - Did you tell him I was coming?

Which may explain why my first real film was a little epic called Firelight...

Doug!

...which was essentially about aliens coming down to my backyard and destroying my sisters.

Where's Doug?

So obviously, you've come a long way from making little Super 8 movies in the backyard.

Yeah, now I make big Super 8 movies in the back lot.

Still,

knowing what you know now...

about how difficult it is... to really do this,

I wonder what you would say to the seventeen-year-old kid in the backyard

who thinks he's got... it all figured out.

I say, if you're so smart,

what are you still doing in your backyard?

But if the kid were to get up the courage to leave the backyard

and show up on your doorstep looking for help?

I'd say, get your own Douglas Trumbull,

if you could find him.

Speaking of which,

could we talk for just a bit about

exactly what Douglas and his team are doing for you here?

I knew I wanted to show flying saucers in a way that they'd never been shown before...

- Well, Close Encounters is a very effect heavy film. - ...and I had to go to...

...a real alien. His name is Douglas Trumbull.

He worked on a little film called 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Rejecting the sketches, we created force perspective planning

so much as Greg, Gene, and his model crew created miniature landscapes

with an amazing sense of distance and very little actual space.

Before it was paintings based on rough sketches, and then Doug and Vilmos and I work out the color scheme.

Who is Vilmos?

The DP.

The director of photography.

I know.

Okay.

The worry was that the stars would become diffused blobs

instead of crisp little points of light.

So Richard Yuricich came with the idea of burning the star fields directly in the interpositive,

which meant doing a latent image pass through the optical printer,

and bypacking the star field element with the original...

...projection that will allow us to put these large format images on the Scotchlite screen,

reflected back exactly on axis so that any foreground object will block its own shadow,

providing a perfect comp with no need for blue screen or motion control.

What?

Sorry... What's "motion control"?

So I told the guys at the studio that I needed five airplanes,

and they tried to give me three.

I told them, you can't make a circle with three airplanes.

You can make a triangle with three.

You can make a square with four.

But if you're going to make a circle,

you're going to need at least five airplanes.

You're Greg Jein.

You built the Dark Star, and the penis ship in Flesh Gordon.

Star Log Magazine.

Security!

Relax.

We don't really have security... obviously.

That's... You got me.

Looking for Doug?

- Yeah, how did you know? - Everybody's looking for...

Because you had an audience with Steven Spielberg,

and you ended up in his model shop.

I got lost.

I know you did.

So here you are at the intersection of fantasy and reality,

just as far from Douglas Trumbull as you were back in Wadsworth, Illinois, population 750.

Hey, Doug!

Doug!

Hey... Hey, hey, Doug.

Hey, Herb.

Sorry, about twelve million things came up.

We can do the interview another time. It's not important.

Anyway, I just want to tell you that I brought somebody along today

who has been anxious to meet you since he saw 2001 when he was eight years old.

And he understood it, no less.

But anyway, he's a film director himself,

and that's because he was so turned on and so inspired by your first film.

So if you could have half a second, just say hi.

Hi.

Nice meeting you.

What... What, you... you had nothing to say?

Well, that's so sweet.

- So... - Stupid!

I can't believe you said that!

- Said what? - Nothing!

It was a good start.

"Hi, my name is," might have been a good follow up.

Oh, boy.

Saying goodbye to Steven might have been a good idea too.

And that's it?

After all this crazy hoping, and trying, and dreaming?

You're nearly killing me making dumb movies in your backyard.

That's all you got from your one chance at Hollywood?

Well... There is one other little, little thing.

Hi, guys. John Dagster. Welcome to Industrial Light and Magic.

As you can see from the poster, we're a little behind schedule,

which means we're all a little over-caffeinated here.

So please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.

No flash photography.

Most importantly, remember to forget every single thing you see here...

except for the cool stuff.

The surface of the Death Star, a small artificial moon that goes around blowing up other planets.

So we had to make a lot of it.

So we made wood patterns and took molds off them with this Dow Corning Silastic liquid rubber,

which is normally used to seal basements against flooding,

inject the molds with expandable urethane foam,

like the stuff they squirt in the walls of houses for insulation.

Wham-o! Repeatable lightweight modular sections.

They're really easy to throw around.

Those are X-wings, part of a small fleet of battleships used by the Rebel Alliance to fight the Empire.

There's the escape capsules, right over here.

And over here, we've got the...

we've got the Millennium Falcon.

It belongs to a space pirate named Han Solo and his Wookiee, Chewbacca.

That's the rebel blockade runner, right here.

And where are we?

Over here, we've got the Star Destroyer.

And here is Luke's Land Speeder.

Now, that's Luke, destroyed C-3PO,

and that's Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Wait... That's the Bionic Man action figure.

Yeah, don't... don't tell anybody.

We're making this whole movie out of things...

- ...you could find lying around your garage. - That's so cool.

Over here, we have our breakaway models.

They're made from a brittle resin which explodes really nicely.

- Go ahead, break it. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Here, check it out. - No, no, no, no!

What are you doing?

Cool?

I can fix this.

Now, understand a lot of the blue screens still aren't composited.

There's no music or sound effects yet.

It's still got footage from World War II,

and stuff from Dam Busters and 633 Squadron

standing in for the dogfight scenes.

And this is our screening room.

Everyone's fixed up,

and then... and suddenly, they all turn around,

and this huge crowd of hundreds of Rebel pilots give them a standing ovation.

And... that's it.

That's the end.

Okay.

So I just have one... one question for you.

Go ahead.

What the hell were those hundreds of other Rebel pilots doing

while their pals were getting their asses kicked attacking the Death Star?

I don't know. Who cares?

I'm telling you, when this movie comes out,

it's... it's going to be like Woodstock.

I'm thinking Nerdstock.

When and where does this thing come out?

May 25th at theaters everywhere!

You really met Steven Spielberg?

Yeah, I really did.

Did you show him your Planet of the Apes movie?

- No. - Good.

Man, we have to go opening night. We have to.

Why?

Go see this movie again when it comes out.

See it opening day, first show.

If it doesn't make you jump in your car and drive like hell to get back out here,

then maybe I'm wrong about you.

But I don't think I am.

Hi.

Pat Johnson says your center speaker's distorting again.

Okay, bye.

- Come on, do it. - No, I'm eating popcorn.

The butter ought to make it easier.

What are you guys talking about?

Robin can stick her entire fist in her mouth.

Don't ask her to prove it, though, even with something smaller.

- I could put my entire fist in your mouth. - Well, now we're starting something.

- Welcome to the Genesee Theater. - Okay, okay.

- Please refrain from talking... - What?

- ...during the feature presentation. - Pat, there's no one else in the theater.

This might be it, Bill.

What? You say that every time.

And every time, we end up staring in awe struck wonder

at the coming attractions to Logan's Run,

or Breaker Breaker starring Chuck Norris.

I like to Chuck Norris.

And really, Pat, if this Space Wars thing is so great,

then why hasn't there been any hoopla about it?

- It's Star Wars! - "Hoopla"?

Know what I think? I think you're making this whole Space Wars thing up.

It's Star Wars, and why would I do that?

So you had something to tell people about your trip to Hollywood...

- ...other than, "I blew it." - I didn't blow it, Bill!

You met Steven Spielberg and Douglas Trumbull, and you came back.

Why would you come back if you didn't blow it?

- Are you serious? - You guys are having one of your fake fights.

- Why did I come back? - You're wasting your time.

- I came back because I had to finish high school. - Somewhere in space, this may all be happening right now.

The guy who directed Jaws.

And now you're acting like you knew that? I told you that.

Maybe because I'm too busy watching the coming attractions...

- ...to Space Wars. - It's Star...

What?

He's coming in too fast!

It's an epic of heroes...

villains...

aliens from a thousand worlds.

Star Wars!

A billion years in the making, and it's coming to your galaxy this summer.

Oh, my God.

What do you mean, "Oh, my God"? That was the goofiest thing I've ever seen.

May 25th? That's like a month from now.

I know.

No, Pat, you don't.

I have you now!

Right, like I'd waste my time on some dorky sci-fi movie.

So you don't have your little Star Trek parties anymore?

Shut up!

You probably shouldn't see Star Wars, anyway.

Why is that?

Well, there's this thing in it called the Death Star, which could take out the Enterprise with one shot.

The Enterprise has deflector shields!

Bud's Garage.

Again?

Bill, I'll find a way to pay for it.

What? No. No, I don't get paid by the pile.

- Patrick! - I'll call you back.

- What? - Your friends are here.

Hey.

Hey.

I heard about your car.

Yeah.

Look, we got off to a bad start, and...

I was thinking, if you and Linda...

are going to be getting married... or whatever...

you're going to need money.

Okay. So?

So Tony thinks his dad would be willing to fix your car for free.

Linda, being family and all.

Cut.

Do you mind?

No, I don't mind bringing in the groceries even though it's your turn.

Bill, you don't need to check the mirror with your whole head.

Just glance with your eyes.

I was trying to show concern.

Hey, you should be concerned.

The corn's moving about 3,000 miles an hour.

Excuse me?

Corn's going by too fast.

The corn can never go by too fast.

You know what? This is stupid.

- What's stupid? - This whole movie thing.

I mean, what do you think?

That one of these movies is going to end up being seen by anyone...

- ...other than you, me, and your mom? - Bill...

You think having a premiere at the Gurnee Public Library

is going to get you noticed in Hollywood?

Okay, Bill, I'm sorry I said you were corny. You're a good actor.

No, I'm not. I'm terrible!

But at least I know it.

Well, if you know you're so terrible, why do you keep doing it?

Because it used to be fun.

Why do you keep doing it?

Because you certainly aren't having any fun.

And when you're not having fun, you are definitely not fun.

I do it because I'm not terrible.

I'm just here.

So it's here that's the problem?

"Here," meaning all your well-meaning but talentless friends holding you back, right?

No.

Fine! Go to Hollywood, so you can be not terrible there.

See how far that gets you.

Music radio WLS Chicago!

Don't be alarmed.

It's only the death breath of the Dark Lord.

Star Wars starts today at select theaters.

Rated PG. Parental guidance suggested.

Good morning, Mr. And Miss Warren High School.

And all geeks sitting on top of the buses,

looking into the girls' locker rooms.

This is your student body president, Bill Holmes.

And these are your morning announcements for...

- ...May 25, 1977. - May 25, 1977.

- The menu today... - A day that will live in infamy.

All right, kids.

I'd like to send a special message to the entire Warren Family.

Jocks, brains, nerds, freaks, cheerleaders, Devilettes,

chess club members, valedictorians, thespians,

lesbians.

Can he say "lesbians" on the morning announcements?

No, he cannot.

Today is the last day of life as we know it on this planet.

Today, a new and golden age lies upon us.

Today is the day that every last character name, scene description,

and vocal sound effect you've heard from these past few months...

- ...will entirely make sense. - Open the door, Holmes.

Don't be alarmed. It's only the death breath of the Dark Lord.

- Very bad... Very bad. - Don't be scared.

It's only an Imperial Cruiser making the jump to light speed.

Relax.

It's only a movie, and it's all for fun.

Director George Lucas and 20th Century Fox present...

When I find it, and I will...

Star Wars!

Enjoy. Laugh it up, monkeys.

Parental guidance suggested.

It starts today at theaters everywhere.

Everyone meet at the Genesee at 3:00 PM.

The first forty people to show up get in free!

What are you doing here?

Linda had a conniption fit because she had work for me today.

So Dr. Kallen let her off the hook,

even though I called in sick.

So where's Linda?

She went to the mall.

She said she had to buy something nice to wear for big event.

Is that your brother?

Genesee Theater, 3:00 PM. Come on.

- No. - We've got to go, guys.

Star Wars!

Never mind.

Hey...

Come on, guys. We got to go.

Star Wars. 3:00 PM.

Where's Bill?

He's hiding in his car.

Hey, guys, don't forget. There's a party at my house tonight, 6:00.

Thanks, Ann. That's great.

Drive, Bill.

Just drive.

I'll need your park ID.

Can he do that?

Do you realize what you just did?

Yeah, I got my severance pay,

which is more than I would have gotten if I'd worked for another month,.

which means I can now pay for the first forty people to show up.

Oh, shit!

Now you realize what you just did.

No, it's 2:14.

Time flies when you're throwing your life away.

No, I mean I got to cash this.

So, we'll cash it.

The theater's fifteen minutes that way.

My bank is fifteen minutes the other way.

Pat, relax. My dad will cash your check at the station.

It's five minutes away.

Sign it over to him.

I'll go get the cash and meet you at the mall at 2:45.

But... No, it takes fifteen minutes to get to the theater.

We can get there in ten.

That gives five to buy your popcorn,

talk the manager into selling you the poster with all the money you won't have,

and still find the exact acoustical center of the theater.

- Okay? - Okay.

Slow down! You're going to get all sweaty.

Girls hate that.

It's not like there's going to be a line around the block to get in.

Hey.

Hey.

- Hey. - What are you doing here?

Picking you up.

Bill's meeting us at 2:45.

- What? - I can't go.

Why not?

Mom needs me to take Misty to the vet.

We'll... We'll take her afterwards.

Tony is giving me a ride.

- Why? - My car's in the shop.

- Again? - Yeah, again.

That's... That's convenient.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, let's see.

First, Tony's dad can't seem to find the left front fender for a Ford Pinto

for over a month,

and then after managing to finally scrape together enough money to pay him,

he tells me he's been charging me a storage fee on top of the original amount.

And now, your car's back in the shop,

and suddenly Tony is the only one left with a car that works,

which you have to go back to your house in,

with your new underwear.

And no, can you tell me what's wrong?

Yeah, I can.

You don't know when to stop thinking.

What? Wait.

Wait, what?

I'm the proud owner of a brain refined by six million years of evolution.

How am I supposed to stop thinking?

Try feeling.

Come on. Wait, wait, wait...

Don't touch me!

I'm sorry.

Don't even talk to me. And don't call me either!

Wait, don't leave.

Don't leave. Come on.

Don't leave!

I said I'd meet you here. I didn't say I'd go to bed with you.

Why would you agree to meet me in a hotel room, if you weren't going to go to bed with me?

I can't believe you're being such a bitch.

Hey! Open this door!

What the hell do you want?

I want you to leave my sister alone, you punk!

Okay.

Star Wars!

A billion years in the making, and it's coming to your galaxy this summer.

Hey!

She's ready to go...

when you got the dough!

So did you see it?

No.

I thought you were going to be first in line.

Things got messed up.

What happened?

Dodgeball accident, then I missed the bus.

And next thing I know, it starts raining,

and Jody saw me walking home.

You should have run him over.

What's wrong with her?

She's sixteen.

She's a girl.

Plus, she hates me.

- She doesn't hate you. - I do so!

If she hated you, why would she drive you home?

So she could enjoy not driving me to the theater.

Can I borrow the van?

Eric took it down to O'Hare.

What for?

To ship a dog I sold some people in Atlanta.

They wired the money, thank God.

Great.

Could I borrow... two hundred dollars?

I don't know. When you walked by the runs,

did you notice two million piles of poop?

What the heck do you need two hundred dollars for?

To pay for forty of my friends to get in to see Star Wars.

You know, they say if you have three good friends

in your entire life, you're a very lucky...

Mom, this is really serious!

I need to get as many people as I can to the Genesee Theater,

especially me.

Well, it stopped raining.

Why don't you ride your bike down to the theater?

No, I sold my bike to buy film for Requiem for the Planet of the Apes, remember?

What about Eric's bike?

Reshoots.

Okay, what about Jody's bike?

- It's pink. - It's here.

- It's got tassels. - It's got wheels.

It's got a lock!

You can use my bike.

Hey, can you hold on to this for a sec?

Hey.

Hey, Pat. I was just heading out to find you.

Where the hell have you been?

- Jeez! Will you relax? - Relax?

I missed the 3:00 PM showing of Star Wars because of you,

and the 5:15, and the 7:30.

And the 9:45 starts at twenty-five minutes,

and it takes twenty minutes to get to the Genesee Theater.

Will you calm down? It's the damn movie!

No, it's not just a "damn movie."

I've been waiting my whole life to see this movie.

You've been waiting your whole life to get laid too,

but I don't see you yelling at Linda Altastiniac.

Okay, you know what?

Forget it. I'll go by myself.

Just give me my check, okay?

It's in my glove compartment. I parked like a mile away.

Besides, what good is it going to do without a place to cash it,

and without me to take you there?

Why didn't you catch it before? Why didn't you come back?

Remember that night last fall, when Robin gave me a ride home?

Yeah.

She came over later.

She was really drunk.

She told me, if I didn't want to marry her,

there was a guy she knew that would.

Bill.

I didn't come back because I found out who that guy is.

Look, just hang here for a little while.

Let me try to figure this out with Robin,

and I'll take you to the midnight show.

Hey, Pat.

Hey, Donny.

How was Star Wars?

It was great.

Yeah, it was great, in fact, that I went to the 5:15 and the 7:30 show.

I mean, later I'm going to the 9:45.

Hey! What is this movie about?

- What's with Johnson? - And R2-D2's bouncing around going...

Big smudge mark on her boob is gone,

and her hair's all different, and she hands Luke and Han medals,

and everybody turns around, and literally this crowd, hundreds of rebel soldiers,

all give him a standing ovation.

And that's the end.

All right... So I just have one question.

- What? - What the hell are you on?

Fine, fine... Laugh it up, laugh it up...

But in a few days, you'll all be going up to the...

the... the door of the ark, and just pounding on it and screaming,

"Let me in! Let me in!"

Hey!

What the hell does that look for?

What the hell were you doing making out with Doreen Blandis?

I thought you said you were going to work things out with Robin.

Yeah, well, I also said I'd get you to your movie,

and I'm going to get you there. So come on. Let's go.

Hey, Moon Watcher...

You can't get there from here. This ain't Cape Kennedy.

And it sure as hell ain't Hollywood.

It's just Gurney.

I'm not even from Gurney.

I'm from Wadsworth, population 750, the edge of the edge of nowhere.

Hey...

A lot of famous people came from the edge of the edge of nowhere.

Ray Bradberry grew up in Waukegan, and Jack Benny.

And Marlon Brando went to high school right over in Libertyville.

Yeah, and where are they now?

Ray Bradbury, California.

Jack Benny, California.

Marlon Brando.

Tahiti!

Yeah!

What? Is this how you want to live?

What? In a big house with a bunch of people having fun?

Sure.

Yeah, but what are you going to do? What are you going to be?

What do you want from the one shot that you get at living?

I don't know... Money, a big house, a wife and 2.3 kids.

I have no fucking idea.

Bullshit!

You want to make people laugh.

That's what you want. That's who you are.

Okay, Pat.

Let's do our fight thing.

- Ready? - No.

Ready? Now!

- You want to be an actor or comedian. - No, I don't!

That's what you want me to be,

so you can feel like you're not the only one chasing after an impossible dream.

React!

But you're lying. That's all you've ever wanted.

And yet... but you're too afraid of failing to try.

- You hit me in the forehead, man. - I didn't hit you.

- Yeah, you did. - No, I didn't.

So you... you act like you don't care.

Shut up and fight.

Come on.

You go along with the rest of the herd...

that needs to believe that being intelligent and having hopes and dreams

is for nerds, or geeks, or dorks,

but inside, you know it isn't.

- Come on. - Cut it out, man!

What do you care what I do?

What are you still hanging around for? Just go!

They do this all the time.

What are you waiting for?

I'm waiting for you.

Why?

You don't need me to drive you to California.

You don't even need me to drive you to the Genesee Theater.

Shit, Pat, you could have walked there and back five times today.

I'm not the one who's afraid here. It's you, man!

You're afraid you're going to go see this movie and everything will be the same.

You'll still be Pat Johnson making his little movies in his backyard.

They're not little.

We've just got a big backyard.

Pretty good right hook too.

Orson Welles.

- What? - What?

Orson Welles... grew up in Kenosha.

That's like ten miles from here.

It doesn't matter where he grew up! Okay?

What matters is that he's not sitting around some house full of people who don't care about anything

but getting stoned so they can forget about the fact that they're going to spend the rest of their lives

wondering why the hell they're still here.

I mean, really, somebody... anybody... do something new,

do something interesting.

Okay.

Oh, man.

Marry me!

Did you just get engaged?

What time is it?

9:55.

Why do you want everyone to see this movie so bad?

I don't know. I guess it's just...

If everyone sees it, and everyone likes it,

then I won't be the only sci-fi movie geek in town anymore.

Pat, if every person in town loved this movie,

you would still be alone because to everybody else,

movies are something to do when you're tired of real life.

To you, real life is something to do when you're tired of watching movies.

But I'm never tired of watching movies.

My point exactly.

Some people live to work, other people work to live.

Yeah, well I'm going to do both...

because, unlike everybody else around here,

I'm going to love what I do for a living.

How do you know?

Well, because I've always known.

I started making movies when I was nine years old.

Why?

Why what?

Why did you start making them when you were nine?

Why that age in particular?

Because... I don't know.

What the hell kind of question is that?

You started making movies to keep your family together.

- What? - Like it or not, that's the truth.

You are so full of shit.

Where do you come up with that crap?

Advanced placement psychology.

You were my term paper.

Come on, Pat. Your parents start talking divorce,

you start making movies. Why?

- Because I like to. - You did it to get their attention.

So they'd have something else to think about,

like you had something other than them that made you happy.

You figured, if they saw they were losing you,

maybe they'd stop fighting.

Sorry, Sigmund, but you're wrong on this one, okay?

So what happens?

Your mom fawns over every frame, thinks every shot is wonderful.

And you know it's not true. So you start to distrust her.

She's not leveling with you.

She's just treating you like her little baby that needs protecting.

And your dad, who's drunk half the time anyway,

can only see you as his younger self who wanted to be an artist.

So his dad threatened to disown him if he didn't go into medical school, right?

So here you come with your first little Super 8 Planet of the Apes movie...

- ...and what does he do? - Okay, Donny.

He shits all over it!

- Okay, Donny. Enough! - It looks like a model.

You ever heard of focus?

And they invented tripods for a reason, you know?

And how about this little gem? Is that like a Charlton Heston?

It looked like a twelve-year-old with delusions of grandeur.

You were a twelve-year-old with delusions of grandeur!

Donnie, shut up, okay? Just shut up!

Fine, as soon as you admit the real reason you want to make movies.

Because it cuts through all the stupid high school social caste system bullshit, okay?

Okay.

It gets past all those stupid god damn armor everyone wears.

Go on.

When you're watching a movie, you're sitting with five hundred people

who wouldn't even sit next to you in lunch,

and you're laughing at the same jokes,

and crying at the same painful moments,

and you're jumping at the same scares.

There aren't any cliques in the movie theater.

There aren't any jocks, or geeks, or nerds, or brains, okay?

As long as it's dark, and there's something you've never seen before on the screen,

it's like you're family, where nobody yells or fights or leaves.

Oh, shit.

You know, years from now, are you going to pay someone hundreds of dollars

to do what I just did for free?

Congratulations. It's a fist.

You've got her hand out?

No problem with that.

Doctor gave her a little muscle relaxant.

Here. You may need just for the drool.

What?

Come on, I'll take you home.

Wait... What about Star Wars?

It's dark in the theater.

Music Radio MLS Chicago!

It's me.

I told you not to call.

I know. I'm sorry. It's just...

I realized something tonight.

I thought that it was going to be the most important day of my life because...

it would finally give me the strength to go out to L.A. and start up a life I thought we both wanted.

But when today finally came,

it wasn't enough for me to just see Star Wars by myself.

I felt I had to take everyone I knew with me,

because I think what I really wanted was for everyone to finally understand me

and approve of me.

So that it would change this place enough, in my mind and in my heart,

that I wouldn't have to leave it,

because... I don't really want to go.

I just want to belong.

Okay, Linda-chan.

- I go to work now. - Okay.

Drive carefully, mom.

Pat, you've been waiting a really long time for this night.

And maybe I didn't seem as interested as you sometimes,

but I really did want to be with you the first time.

And I really want to be with you.

Okay, then...

Come and get me.

Beam me up, Jody.

You ready?

Why the long face?

Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry. I can't help it.

Making jokes, it's what I do.

Duh!

Are you sure about this?

Wait.

You want to watch baseball?

I want the neighbors to think we're watching baseball.

Plus, it'll cover any, you know, noise we might make.

Now, close your eyes.

When I was a kid, they used to show these...

short films before the feature called serials,

and they weren't very good.

In fact, they were actually kind of terrible in a wonderful sort of way

because you could almost imagine the actors suddenly turning to look out at you and saying,

"Look, we know you can tell we made these sets out of cardboard,

and we know you can see the wires holding up our spaceships,

but look how much fun we're having."

And those stupid little films

meant more to me than any big budget Hollywood extravaganza

because they gave me hope that, with a little allowance,

a little ingenuity,

and a little stolen time with my dad's old wind-up movie camera,

I could make movies too. And I did.

Boy, did I.

How much do you want to be a director, Patrick?

I want it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.

Are you... Are you really sure about this?

Do you need to be one?

Then you might just make it.

You really think so?

If it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

So how was it?

It was amazing.

How about for you?

I meant Star Wars.

I don't know. Too many things came up.

You could go tomorrow.

I could maybe get off work.

No, I have to work.

I got to start saving up for... everything we want.

I'll try to see it on my next day off, if it's still playing.

The crowd's loving it.

Now the big guy, hitting .342 with 92 RBIs.

More baseball after these messages.

Hey, Pete Rose...

- ...what do men really want from his after shave? - Are you sorry we did this?

- No. - No fancy perfumes or fancy bottles.

Did you want to wait till you get married before your first time?

A man wants to smell like a man.

That's why I like...

And so Refreshing and masculine.

What? What? What did I say?

Shut up. Just shut up, okay?

What?

What? What did I do?

You didn't do anything.

Okay, well then tell me what's wrong.

This wasn't my first time.

Well, that's okay.

No, it's not.

- I don't care. - I care.

Why? Why?

What does it matter what we did before we met, right?

I don't have to be your first.

I just have to be your best and your last.

It matters!

What?

It matters...

because my first time...

was while you were in Hollywood.

I didn't know if you'd be coming back.

You were so excited about going and maybe getting a job.

I didn't know you'd come back just for me.

You were the only reason I came back, okay?

You said you loved me.

I do love you.

Well, you have a funny way of showing it.

You know, this wasn't your first time either.

Yeah, it was.

No, it wasn't.

Your first time was the day you saw the coming attractions for Star Wars.

What?

When it was over, I looked over at you, and you had tears in your eyes.

So?

So how could I ever hope to compete with that?

Why Tony?

What the hell is so great about him?

Is it his car, or his gold chains,

or his feeble little mustache?

- His zip code. - What?

- He's here. - I am here!

But he's not going anywhere... and I'm okay with that.

In fact, it's what I want.

Just remember something...

Life doesn't move at twenty-four frames per second,

it moves a lot faster.

And on this picture...

you only get one roll film.

Hey.

Mom wants us to go grocery shopping.

Come on.

Why are you helping me?

Because numbskull, how could you leave without a car?

Bye.

Patrick Read Johnson!

What are you still doing in your backyard?

Where do you think you're going?

To get my car.

Is that so?

Yeah, I paid all I'm going to pay for it.

Besides, you don't need to hold it hostage anymore.

I'm not going to stop you.

Scrawny piece of shit!

You couldn't stop rain from hitting the ground.

Yeah, well... I'll tell you what...

I'll try to gain weight,

you try to gain intelligence.

We'll see who wins.

I already know who wins, and it ain't you.

And you're going down.

Get up.

Jeez, Tony...

"Down!" "Up!" Make up your mind.

I said get up!

It's time someone kicked your ass.

What's wrong?

Don't you think you've done enough to me?

What are you talking about?

You knew that Linda was scared to go with me,

and you played on it until you finally brought her down to your level.

My level?

What's my level?

I work for a living!

I don't expect the world owes me fame and fortune like you.

You know, you think because you can direct little Super 8 movies,

you can direct how people's lives are going to turn out?

I mean, come on...

How are you going to direct your way out of me dislocating your shoulder if I want to?

How are you going to direct your way out of me shoving your face into the dirt

until you choked to death if I want?

Your brain may think of better fantasies than mine,

but it ain't going to think of nothing if I beat it out of your head

with a fucking tire iron, now, is it?

Is it?

Never fuck with a Kubrick fan!

A what?

We may be geeks on the outside, but on the inside,

we're all killer apes.

You're fucking nuts is what you are.

Oh, no. I'm not nuts.

I'm evolved.

My ancestors touched the monolith.

Your ancestors watched.

Jesus, back off, man. Please!

You mated with my mate.

What?

You reigned on my evolutionary parade.

No, wait, wait.

You want to compete with me for scarce resources on this dusty African plane?

Well, step to the plate.

I am Moon Watcher, hear me roar!

No, stop!

We didn't really do it, okay?

I tried, but she wouldn't go for it.

She said she was in love with you.

She wanted to be with you, I swear.

She waited for you. We never did it.

Then why would she tell me you did?

Popcorns, two Cokes, and one Sugar Baby.

Is this film ever going to stop showing here?

Okay, bye.

What are you doing here?

Why is that up there?

Why is what up where?

That... That... That's not... That's not what's playing here.

Yes, it is.

Todd, okay.

I know you're most likely messing with me right now.

And it's funny. It really is.

And any other day, I would laugh at it.

I would find it thoroughly amusing.

This is the thing...

I just want you to tell me that Star Wars is playing here,

and then we can just, you know, be friends after that.

And I just want you to be honest with me now.

Please, buddy.

Todd, I love you.

Come on, just tell me what's playing here.

Star Wars, right? Star Wars.

Star Wars?

Yes! Yes!

Star Wars!

Okay, you know what?

Look!

Star Wars!

Star Wars! "Starts today... today... at theaters everywhere."

Theaters everywhere!

This isn't everywhere.

This is Lake County.

"Everywhere."

Todd.

Todd.

You're killing me.

Todd.

Todd.

Your muttloaf, sir.

What are you doing here, Johnson?

Eating muttloaf.

Well, it's Senior Skip Day.

Why aren't you skipping?

More muttloaf for me.

You're a weird kid, Johnson.

Not weird enough, apparently.

Don't underestimate yourself, Patty.

Let's go.

Where?

Someplace dark and quiet, where I can take away your virginity.

Well, you're too late.

I don't think so.

The lobby cards are gone, and they've stolen all of the posters.

They just picked the locks and ripped them right out of the cases.

I was afraid they were going to take the film,

so I put Eddie on guard outside the projection booth.

Hey! Hey! Balcony's closed!

Just don't forget I did this.

Never.

Patrick Reed Johnson!

What happened?

Just remember... If you end up seeing farther than others,

it's only because you've stood upon the shoulders of Giants.

Who are you?

See ya.

Hey, buddy.

Make good movies...

and watch out for girls.

I'll try.

Have a nice trip.

He'll be back in a week.

Shut up, Jody!

You don't have to say anything.

Yeah, I do.

Thank you.

Go on.

Go west, young man.

I'll shout if I need you.

Hey.

Forgot something.

Why didn't you just give me this last week?

Because you didn't really need it last week.

Now, you do.

Practicality, Pat... That's what I'm all about.

I'll leave the fantasy stuff up to you, Mr. Hollywood.

Hollywood's just my monolith.

It might be a door. It might be a wall.

I won't know till I touch it.

What the hell are you talking about?

Forget it.

Just don't come back as a giant baby floating over the Earth.