Original subtitles

DAVID: It's one month's rent in advance,

one month's deposit.

Just watch the step.

Nice view of the garden.

[ Birds chirping ]

Mm.

I like the cooker.

Under-floor heating.

Nice.

It's a great flat.

Mm-hmm.

Isn't it just a tiny bit sick?

Look at all this natural light. I know.

It's fabulous.

One door closes, another door opens.

You see her signing a new lease?

I don't think so.

It's such a great fireplace.

Yeah. I'm loving that, too.

Gorgeous. Oh.

Hey, Naz.

Meet my new partner.

Naz Omar, D.I. Kate Bishop.

Kate's just transferred from Bristol.

Hello. Hi.

So, um, what's the verdict?

If you don't want it,

I'm gonna need to put an advert in the paper.

[ Shutter clicks ]

I guess I'll take it. Great.

What do you want to do about the carpet?

Oh. Um...

What you want to do is you want to soak it in cold, salty water.

Cold water? Yeah. It's got to be cold.

You know, it might be too dry. Do you think?

I could just put the sofa over it.

Where are you gonna put the TV?

TV will go over here.

You can't put your TV there. Look at your sight lines.

You put the TV there.

And you put your sofa...

[ Clears throat ]

...here.

How's that?

Yeah.

Now, that's what I call feng shui.

Subtitling made possible by RLJ Entertainment

"The Atkins Diet." "The South Beach Diet."

"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus."

[ Chuckles ] "Love Actually."

"Bridget Jones's Diary." "Mamma Mia!"

There's everything you need to know about our victim

right here.

"He's Just Not That Into You:

The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys."

KATE: So?

So she was single, desperate,

and probably blubbed herself to sleep every night.

And you can tell all this from looking at her books and DVDs?

I'm sure she was very happy.

Are you saying if a woman eats a bit of chocolate...

A bit?

...and drinks a few glasses of wine...

That's bigger than my head.

...it means she is therefore emotionally unstable?

Surprised she hasn't got a cat.

[ Telephone ringing ]

What if it's a relative?

Oh, God.

Oh, maybe they'll hang up.

[ Ringing continues ]

I've got to have a look in the bedroom.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Hello.

[ Cat yowls, Kate screams ]

Ah. I see you found the cat.

Doesn't actually prove anything.

Proves she has a cat and I was right.

But who's counting?

Where are we going?

That was a friend of Sally Jacobs on the phone.

She wants to meet us at the office.

So, you married?

Yeah. You? No.

Girlfriend? Define "girlfriend."

A woman you have an intimate sexual relationship with.

Intimate? No. Kids?

No. You? Probably.

Donated sperm while I was at college.

Did my bit for the perpetuation of the species.

Ah. We're all very grateful.

Easiest 15 quid I ever made.

Hobbies? Not really.

You? No.

Cat?

Just checking.

[ Siren wailing, indistinct conversations ]

JACK: No, no, no, no, no. Not that office.

That office.

You ever tried the coffee in there?

It's terrible.

Haven't been in there since 1992.

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

Hey, Charlie. Hi, Jack.

[ Laughter, indistinct conversations ]

Oh, wow.

Hey, Tony.

Hey.

Tony, Kate. Kate, Tony.

Hi. Great place. Thank you very much.

Tony's my old boss from the force.

There isn't anything that this guy doesn't know.

What's the word on the street, Tone?

Well, the word is your new partner here

has just bagged herself a fantastic little flat

with under-floor heating and plenty of natural light.

How do you know that?

Voodoo. Oh. Okay.

Wait.

You think all black people practice voodoo?

No.

You said...

I didn't say anything.

Just messing, babe. [ Laughs ]

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Anyone ask for me?

There's a distraught young lady waiting for you at table 4.

No worry. I gave her some ice cream.

[ Chuckles ]

Ooh. I fancy a smoothie.

Give me a Mango Mash-Up please, Tone.

TONY: Coming up.

Um, give me an Apple Attack, no cinnamon, please, Tone.

Thanks.

She was so happy.

Sally Jacobs?

We talking about the same woman here?

She couldn't stop smiling.

Well, she was on medication. Sounds like Prozac.

No. She finally met somebody.

Ah.

But she was miserable before, right?

Drinking too much, comfort eating?

All the time. Mm.

Who did Sally meet?

His name's Ben.

I don't know his surname.

Sally met him in a bar.

It was amazing.

They had so much in common.

They liked the same books, music...films.

[ Voice breaking ] He loved cats.

The musical?

It's like they were made for each other.

Did Sally say what Ben looked like?

She said he was very good-looking.

He had blond hair, blue eyes.

Come on. We're going.

Oh.

Here you go.

Thank you.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Jack, what's going on?

Couple of weeks ago, another woman --

Jessica something-or-other -- was beaten to death with a wok.

And it's connected?

Jessica's friends said she'd just met a guy

called Richard, uh...

Richard, uh...

Anyway, he had blond hair and blue eyes.

Let's get over to Jessica's place.

How's your smoothie?

Really good.

Yeah? Yeah.

Atkins, South Beach...

"French Women Don't Get Fat."

Is that true?

Sure I've seen some fatties waddling around Paris.

Maybe they were Yanks.

"He's Just Not That Into You."

Mm.

Got ourselves another comfort eater.

This is still a crime scene, right?

"Love Actually." "Bridget Jones." "Mamma Mia!"

It's all the same stuff as Sally Jacobs.

Meow!

This can't be a coincidence.

JACK: There's got to be a connection.

How is he finding them?

KATE: Ah. Honeybee.

The loyalty card.

Sally Jacobs had the same letter.

We should check it out.

What do you mean you've got plans?

I've got a fitting for a suit.

Classic -- two-button, navy-blue.

Beautiful.

We're -- We're in the middle of a case.

Yeah, and if we solve it today,

we'll only have to start another one.

What, you think they'll let us chill for the rest of the week?

It's almost 5:00 anyway.

It's 3:30. Exactly.

Where can I drop you?

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

Then we call it a day

'cause he's got a fitting for a new suit.

[ Sighs ] Can you believe that?

He has his suits made to measure?

How does he afford that on a police salary?

According to him, right, if a woman watches "Mamma Mia!"

so much as looks at a bar of chocolate,

it means she's mental.

Well, you hate "Mamma Mia!"

Yeah, but I don't think liking it constitutes a mental illness.

What about those women

that have been to the sing-along version 20 times?

Well, I'm not talking about those nutters.

This way.

Oh, he so fancies himself.

Just that...

[ Grunts ]

Yeah.

Where does the TV go?

Over here. Huh?

Yeah. That works.

So...

Do you want to christen the flat?

Uh...

We should get something to eat. Got to go by 8:00.

Where are you going?

The sales conference in Leeds. I told you about it.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

I've got to go. The Japanese are over.

It's like "Tenko" when that lot are here.

Dan.

You wanted me to take the promotion and come up here.

We wanted to move up here.

Yeah. That's what I meant. Now, come on. Don't start.

I'm not starting anything.

I just thought you might want to have sex with me.

Obviously not. Someone died in here.

Ooh. Someone died. We better never have sex again.

I'm hungry.

Come on. What do you want?

Indian? Thai?

Mexican?

[ Asian accent ] Huh? Fajitas?

[ Normal voice ] I kind of fancy Thai.

Glad you fancy something. What do you want?

Nothing. I'm not hungry.

I'll have the green curry and coconut rice.

And a prawn -- Oh. It's work.

Hiya.

Yeah, I can spare a minute.

For yo I can spare five. [ Laughs ]

[ Door closes ]

WOMAN: Honeybee reception. Can I help you?

EMMA: Just this way. Hello.

Hi. Can I get a pass for upstairs?

Just one moment.

[ Whispering ] Blond hair, blue eyes. Huh?

Cheers. Second left.

There you go, man.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oy, oy. Blond hair, blue eyes.

Blond hair, blue eyes.

You are kidding me!

These guys got to look at their equal-opportunities policy.

It's like the Aryan Nation in this place.

EMMA: This way.

MIKE: Just a minute.

Sorry.

The police are here.

Right.

Blond hair, blue eyes.

Mm-hmm.

Mike Reynolds.

D.I. Bishop.

D.I. Armstrong.

Hope we're not interrupting anything.

No, no. We just finished.

This is Suzie Miller, our sales director.

Hi.

I'll, uh, leave you to it.

Uh, the figures for the, um, thing.

Uh, good work.

Great...numbers.

Please. Take a seat.

So, um, what can I do for you?

We're investigating the murder of two women.

Sorry.

[ Door closes ]

Both of whom received iden...

...identical letters from your company.

Well, over 12 million people use a Honeybee card.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Are you?

That makes you sound guilty for a start.

What?

Where were you on Sunday evening?

Me? A-Am I a suspect?

Mm. Unless you've got a watertight alibi.

Otherwise it's not looking so good.

Um...

I was at a charity auction for Afghanistan.

Or, uh, was it Kurdistan?

One of the Stans.

Uh, a drought...or a flood.

You mean the earthquake in Kazakhstan?

Yes. That's it.

I bought a luxury weekend for two at a spa.

Here. Check with the organizers.

We will. Thank you.

[ Exhales deeply ]

If you really think there is a link,

I'm happy to get one of my project managers to assist you.

That would be great.

Emma, could you ask Robert to come in, please?

JACK: [ Clears throat ]

You looking for this?

Oh.

Here we go. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

ROBERT: Your loyalty card generates a record

of everything you buy.

Your purchase history.

And from that, we know

pretty much everything there is to know about you,

from your likes and dislikes,

right down to when your periods start.

You might as well have a bar code stamped on your forehead.

So say a psychopathic killer wanted to identify

single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable,

desperate, comfort-eating women.

Piece of cake.

Provided you have access to the Honeybee database.

WOMAN: Do you have a Honeybee card?

ROBERT: He knows you live alone.

He knows you're lonely.

[ Beeping ]

He knows you're looking for love.

He knows you're vulnerable and insecure.

He knows your tastes, hobbies, and interests.

He knows where you live.

He'd engineer a seemingly chance encounter.

He'd make it seem like you're made for each other.

You like the same magazine.

You like the same music and films.

I can't believe you like "Mamma Mia!"

That's ridiculous.

ROBERT: He'd gain your trust and affection.

Then he'd cave in your skull with a claw hammer.

[ Woman screams ]

Well, something like that, anyway.

Where were you on Sunday evening?

I was at home. Can anyone confirm that?

No.

Where were you on the evening of the 21st of July?

I-I don't know. Why? Do you think I killed these women?

You seem very familiar with how it would work.

You asked me.

Give us one good reason why we shouldn't suspect you.

I'm a Buddhist.

Give us two good reasons why we shouldn't suspect you.

I'm gay.

You're a gay Buddhist? Yes.

You don't look gay.

Does he look gay to you? What?

Let's have a look at your shoes.

What?

Do you work out? What is this?

Jack. The gays in my gym are ripped.

Ow! He's flabby. Feel it.

You got any piercings? Ow!

You're not allowed to do that. Just -- Sorry. Sorry.

Wow. Is that a plane?

Ow! Stop touching his nipples.

There's nothing there. Okay. Let's see you dance.

KATE: Jack. On your feet, sailor.

Stop it. Get -- Get off!

Okay. I'll prove it.

Okay. Okay.

His name's Henry.

We're in a committed relationship.

He's a quantity surveyor.

Happy?

Can I...

Oh. That's very nice.

Sorry, sir, but we, uh, had to be absolutely certain.

That's a... That's a good look on you.

There's something about handcuffs and a truncheon.

Henry gets horny just passing a police station.

We're going to need the names

of everyone who can access the loyalty card database.

Right.

So, is that how you usually interview suspects?

Yeah. It worked, didn't it?

Psst. Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Blond hair and blue eyes.

Right.

Never trust the guy mopping the floor in the background.

Look at him. Mr. Innocent.

[ Indistinct talking on P.A. ]

I always feel guilty for not buying fair-trade coffee.

Me too.

But it's rubbish, isn't it?

It's crap.

That's what happens when you pay people a living wage.

I'm being ironic, obviously.

Yeah, I got it.

Well, I guess I'll stick with the Costa Ricans, then.

Costa Ricans.

Good people.

What is wrong with you?

"Costa Ricans. Good people."

You...

[ Beeps ]

Thank you.

WOMAN: Do you have a Honeybee card?

No.

Do you want an application form?

Uh, I think I'll pass. Thanks.

[ Register clicking ]

Thank you.

JACK: Thanks for meeting me so early.

Right.

Completely hypothetical situation.

Say you were in a supermarket. You see someone -- I don't know.

Perhaps a woman -- using a loyalty card.

Is it possible to find out who they are?

ROBERT: The only woman using a Honeybee card

in that supermarket at 8:32 last night was Lauren Roberts.

She buy any ground coffee?

250 grams of Costa Rican Red Mountain Reserve.

Great. Print up everything you have on her.

This is official police business, right?

You think we're playing games here?

This is fun? I'm having a good time?

Two women are dead!

Sorry.

[ Printer whirring ]

Thank you.

Jesus.

Mm.

[ Cellphone rings to tune of "William Tell Overture" ]

Yep.

No. No. I'm -- I'm at the dentist.

When was this?

[ Birds chirping, vehicles passing ]

Kate?

What were you doing?

Nothing.

Oh. You don't want to share.

There's nothing to share. That's fine.

Fine.

So, uh, what's the story?

Just like the others -- diets,

there's romantic comedies, comfort eating.

There's a big ginger cat somewhere.

Did I say something funny?

Sorry.

[ Laughs ]

KATE: What?

It's nothing.

Well, you're laughing at something.

What is it?

It was just that when you said "big ginger,"

I thought you were gonna say "pussy."

[ Laughs ]

Ginger hair. Ginger cat.

Ginger pussy.

I get it.

[ Cat meows, Jack laughs ]

Come on!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] Jack?

Are you're still laughing at that?

That's it. I'm done.

Right. I've got a plan.

Me too. You first.

What if we set me up with a fake purchase history

that matches the victims'?

We use a safe house as my address.

Maybe the killer will come after me.

That could work. What's your plan?

Oh, forget about it. Yours is better.

Great.

Um...obviously if I'm going to be the bait,

I...I want proper surveillance.

Hey, trust me.

I'm a professional.

Is this someone's purchase history?

No.

Yes.

Who's Lauren Roberts?

You are unbelievable.

Come on. What's the harm?

It's not like I'm gonna cave her skull in with a claw hammer.

You call yourself a professional?

When did I call myself a professional?

Just now!

I was joking. Oh!

Okay. It's unprofessional.

But it was one of those moments, you know --

you -- you meet a girl, you're getting all the signals,

you know you got to say something --

Get out of my car.

Like, "Do you want to have a drink?"

or, "You've got beautiful eyes."

Well, maybe not that. Get out!

My mind goes blank.

I say, "Costa Ricans. Good people."

I-I've never even met a Costa Rican.

I'm sure they're great, but you know...

Coffee.

There was something there.

I think I could really like her.

I just want to see her again, see if I was right.

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

Fine.

Do whatever you want.

Did you even have a plan?

[ Engine turns over, tires squeal ]

KATE: Well, it sounds like you're having fun, anyway.

[ Soft music playing ]

Who is that?

Well, it's obviously someone.

I'm not being arsey.

Okay. Fine.

Okay. Bye.

Call me t--

Your husband?

Mm.

He's, uh, away at a conference.

Oh, is he?

Linguine al basilico e pomodori secchi.

Um, I haven't ordered yet.

I'm sorry. What was it that you wanted?

Right. Um...

I'll have the...

linguine.

Bon appétit.

[ Indistinct conversations, laughter ]

ROBERT: Okay.

Your purchase history matches the victims'.

You're a single, lonely, needy, neurotic, vulnerable, insecure,

desperate, comfort-eating woman.

Thank you.

Is there something else? Yes.

I need you to check someone's purchase history.

His name's Dan Bishop.

Postcode?

BS12 3CP.

ROBERT: Here we go. What do you want to know?

Has he bought anything this week?

Yesterday.

Um, two Danish pastries,

pain au chocolat, ham and cheese sandwich,

four onion bhajis, a king-size Twix,

12 roses, DKNY Be Delicious perfume --

Was that...roses and perfume?

Sorry. Bishop.

Isn't that your surname?

Yeah.

He's my husband.

Go on.

Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.

[ Clears throat ]

A pack of 12 Pleasure-Max condoms.

Um, a steak and kidney pie and a lemon meringue pudding.

I'm sorry.

[ Keys clicking ]

[ Geese honking ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

WOMAN: One coffee?

JACK: Thank you.

Hi.

Sorry. We met in the supermarket.

Uh, coffee.

Oh. Yes.

Sorry.

Hi. How are you?

Good.

I-I was just passing, and I saw you sitting here.

I live next door.

Wow. You live here?

Yeah. Ah.

Oh, my God.

That is the weirdest coincidence.

I just bought that book yesterday.

You like Rushdie?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Would you like to join me?

I'd love to. Thank you.

Great. Great.

Uh, can I get you a drink?

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Hey. No trouble.

Really. No trouble.

[ Laughs ]

Does this feel weird to you?

Good weird. Great weird.

You know, us -- us liking the same things and...

I sound like a nutter.

Definitely great weird.

So I'll, uh, I'll see you for lunch on Friday?

I'll look forward to it.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you.

You're right.

Costa Ricans. Good people.

[ Laughs ]

What can I say?

Beautiful women make me nervous.

Nice recovery.

I thought so, too.

[ Laughing ] Bye. Bye.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hi. This is Dan Bishop.

Leave your number. I'll call you straight back.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Birds squawking ]

JACK: Kate, good morning. It's Jack.

I'll meet you at the safe house in 20 minutes.

Bye, kitty.

[ Smooches ]

I love you.

Nice touch.

So, uh, want to do a sound check?

KATE: How was the date?

Oh, it was great.

It's true what they say.

A little information goes a long way.

It's almost too easy.

Lying and cheating often is.

Well, you're coming through loud and clear.

Let's do the park first and then the bar.

Uh-huh.

[ Dance music playing ]

KATE: [ Sighs ] 10 more minutes and I'm leaving.

You should have a mojito.

I don't want a mojito. I want to go home.

Come on. Dash of rum. Bit of mint.

Give you a little zing.

Miss, you see the lady over there?

The angry-looking one.

Can you, uh, can you get her a mojito?

[ Squealing ] Jesus!

Motherf...

Sorry. Perforated eardrum.

Diving accident.

Saving a baby dolphin from a fishing net.

Okay, okay. You don't want a mojito.

I'll get you something else.

How about...an appletini?

I'm leaving. Alabama Slammer?

You're an idiot.

OLIVER: Snap.

I just bought the paperback today.

KATE: [ Laughs ]

Wow!

Sarah Jessica Parker is one of the truly significant women

of our generation.

JACK: Ooh. This guy's warped.

It's so cruel how some people say she looks like a horse.

Does she look like a horse to you?

Aw, no. Not really.

JACK: Imagine her with a saddle on.

I guess some people are just really ignorant.

[ Neighs ] [ Squeals ]

Would you like a drink? Yeah. Why not?

Cosmopolitan?

Of course.

Thank you.

Cheers. [ Laughs ]

Okay. If you're so good at reading people...what about me?

Let me see.

I'd say you're kind...gentle.

[ Snorts ]

I bet you're a cat person.

How did you know?

OLIVER: You can tell.

I just got a kitten.

Aww. It's a tiny little thing.

So cute! [ Laughs ]

What's yours called?

Keith.

Keith?

JACK: Keith? Yeah.

I named him after my granddad.

Your granddad's called Keith?

What?

Oh. Sorry. I...

Just suddenly struck me how beautiful you are.

[ Snorts ] This guy's so full of --

Aah.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Radio chatter ]

That's all we have on file for Oliver Young.

Mm.

Okay.

There you are.

Right.

Couple of speeding tickets. That's it.

The Yorkshire Ripper was done for speeding.

I don't think he's our guy.

He was using his real name.

He was nice.

Oh, yeah. He's lovely. Super. Really great guy.

Right up until he smashes you in the head

and your brains dribble all over your face.

There is something else. Uh-huh?

He works for Draker Associates.

They're the I.T. consultants for Honeybee.

Which means he had access to the loyalty card database.

So much for Mr. Nice. [ Chuckles ]

[ Geese squawking ]

JACK: That's our guy.

Is that a fashion statement, or do you think she's having chemo?

Do people with cancer jog?

Can't be good for their knees.

Shin splints are a nightmare.

Aqua aerobics. That's what they should do.

It's low-impact.

If you went bald, would you wear a wig?

Hmm?

Sorry. Am I disturbing you?

I'm trying to get some rapport going here.

You know -- I talk, you talk, ba-bing, ba-bong.

With you, it's all ba-bing and no ba-bong.

I need something to come back at.

I'm yin, you're yang.

That's how it works. I need some ba-bong.

Come on! Give me some ba-bong.

My husband's having an affair.

Ba-bong.

How do you know he's having an affair?

He made up some conference he's supposed to be at.

And now...he's not returning my calls.

What? That's your evidence?

[ Chuckles ]

He bought some things.

Things? What kind of things?

Roses. Perfume. [ Sighs ]

Present for his mum.

An Agent Provocateur "Fifi" lingerie set.

Present for his sister.

It's a little weird.

A pack of 12 Pleasure-Max condoms.

Present for a painfully shy younger brother.

He hasn't got a brother.

I'm sorry.

Hang on.

How do you know all this?

You checked his purchase history, didn't you?

I wasn't doing it to pull some bit of skirt

I met in a supermarket.

"You call yourself professional? Call yourself professional?"

Oh, shut up. It's completely different.

Of course it is. It's you!

He's my husband.

What? Run out of ba-bing?

I can't have a go at you, can I? Your marriage is over.

I'm sure you'll work it out.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Engine turns over ]

JACK: He'd better not be going far.

I've got a lunch date.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

It's okay. I already paid.

What, you paid for lunch while I was in the toilet?

Mm-hmm.

Wow. I'm sorry.

That's just never happened to me before.

I hate these women who magically lose their purse

when it's time to pay for something.

Me too.

Hey, Tone.

Sorry, Jack.

Um, we just received some information about Oliver Young.

You need to see it. Naz, Lauren. Lauren, Naz.

Hi. Hi.

Are you sure this is right?

I've double-checked it.

Sorry. I've just got to make a call.

Go ahead. I'm gonna watch the football.

You like football?

Who are you?

[ Grunting ]

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Hey, Kate. It's Jack.

I just got some information about Oliver Young.

Give me a call when you get this.

Aw! [ Crowd booing on television ]

Need any help?

Ooh! [ Laughs ]

Oliver!

I was, uh, driving past, and I saw you.

You live here?

I thought you said your place was down by the river.

I moved.

Oh. Let me give you a hand.

Oh. It's fine.

No, no. Don't be silly. No. Honestly.

No. I've got -- It's heavy. That's it.

Okay.

In you go.

Okay.

So...

So, where is it gonna be?

Um, on the chest.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, it's a lovely flat. Thank you.

I've got to get the rest of my things.

Oh, I'll tell you what.

You make me a cup of tea and, uh, I'll give you a hand.

Oh, no. It's -- There's hardly anything.

Well, it's even less with two of us doing it.

I insist.

Where's Keith? Who?

Keith -- your cat.

Keith the cat.

He's dead.

He got run over by a car.

I'm so...

Tea? Yeah.

I'm sure you didn't say you were moving.

Didn't I?

Oh.

That's weird.

OLIVER: No.

[ Glass clanking ]

I would've remembered.

Oh.

[ Exhales deeply ] Well, yeah.

I was probably trying not to think about it.

You know.

All that packing...

unpacking.

So do you, uh, come 'round this area often?

My gym is just down the road.

Oh.

I had a really great time last night.

Thought about you a lot.

Do you always have that effect on men?

Not usually.

Oh, I think you do.

You're being modest.

You're beautiful.

[ Grunts ]

Didn't you get my message?

The night Sally Jacobs was murdered,

Oliver Young was on a water-sports holiday in Tahiti.

It's just a coincidence.

He really has just bought a kitten.

Oliver, um, there's been a dreadful misunderstanding.

I only wanted a kiss, you mad bitch.

Very sorry.

OLIVER: I'm glad your cat's dead.

[ Gurney rattling ]

Keith.

Ah.

[ Vehicle doors closing ]

It's a -- It's a New Zealand pinot noir.

I hope that's okay.

It's my favorite wine.

Oh.

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

It's a lovely flat.

How do you afford it on a police salary?

I'm not really sure myself.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm.

There's something I-I need to tell you -- want to tell you.

Yeah?

Uh, when we met at the supermarket,

it wasn't exactly an accident.

What do you mean?

Well, I-I saw you earlier at the deli counter.

You were buying some Camembert,

and -- and you smiled at the shop assistant.

[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.

She made that xenophobic remark about the French.

I'm not one of those freaks who talks to random strangers.

I hate those people -- their inane conversation.

It's just that it's...

it's -- it's really difficult to meet anyone -- anyone nice.

And I just thought...

Hey.

I'm glad you did.

Well, I just wanted to be honest.

So you don't think I'm a stalker?

[ Laughs ] No.

[ Both moaning ]

There's something else. What? What?

I only buy serious literature because I think I should.

I've never finished any of Rushdie's books.

Me neither.

He freaks me out with his weird, squinty eyes.

That ridiculous beard.

They should've let the Iranians have him.

One more thing.

I don't usually buy fresh coffee.

We can work on that.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I think this could be really special.

Me too.

[ Ringing continues ]

Ignore it.

[ Ringing continues ]

[ Grunts ] All right!

What?

I just found this shampoo in my bathroom.

Is that a joke? It's not mine.

So...it must have belonged to Sally Jacobs.

It's from the Framlin Hotel.

I had them check the register.

She stayed there the night before she was murdered.

But the card used to pay for the room was Mike Reynolds'.

Who?

The chief executive of Honeybee.

He's our guy. Great. Fantastic.

We'll pick him up tomorrow.

What? W-Wait.

What do you mean, tomorrow? Well, it's Friday night.

He's probably out with his mates.

I checked. He's still at the office.

Right. Well, he's working late. Good for him.

Jack?

Oh.

You stay and enjoy yourself.

I'll pick him up myself.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, I worked out what your problem is.

My problem?

You hate other people having a good time.

What?

Other people enjoying themselves --

It cuts you up, doesn't it?

That is the most -- Oh.

I'm not even responding to that.

I don't hate people enjoying themselves, actually.

You can't stand it...

Oh, you are just unbelievable!

All week long, all you've done is bitch and moan.

You know nothing. You know less than nothing...

We have an amusing incident involving a big ginger cat...

You are the least professional, most incompetent,

laziest... Not so much as a smile.

You can't even get a girlfriend without deceiving her.

It's been so long...

You think about that, stalker boy.

"Stalker boy"?

Stalker boy.

Joy hater.

That's not even a term.

Yeah. You know why?

I just made it up especially for you, joy hater.

All right. That is it. I can't work with you.

I quit.

Suits me. Great!

Well, let's just get this done.

Then we never have to speak to each other.

Fine. Good.

Great.

Idiot.

MAN: Mr. Reynolds isn't answering his phone.

He may have just slipped out of his office.

I know he's in, though.

Thank you.

You stay down here. I'll check upstairs.

Hey.

Why don't I check upstairs and you stay down here?

You're just arguing for the sake of it.

Am I?

Fine. Whatever.

[ Moans ]

Ow.

Oh.

Oh, God.

[ Groans ]

It was the cleaner, wasn't it?

I bloody knew it.

Mopping away. Butter wouldn't melt.

It's always the guy mopping the floor in the background.

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunting ]

Oh, this is when you wish you were freakishly double-jointed.

[ Grunting ]

It wasn't the guy mopping the floor in the background?

You killed those women?

Hm.

Well, that's pretty bloody obvious, isn't it?

Okay. Let me rephrase the question.

Why'd you kill those women?

Because I found out he was picking them up in bars,

taking them to hotels.

You said you love me.

[ Mumbling ] I do love you. [ Liquid falling ]

[ Laughing ] Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

They were so pathetic.

[ Muffled sobs ]

So grateful.

Thought they'd found the man of their dreams.

[ Groans ]

I was doing them a favor.

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold the phone! What have I done?

Well, you see, you're all the same -- men.

You lie and you cheat and you never want to talk on the phone.

That's because we'd rather talk to you face to face.

Liar!

Okay! Okay! Okay! [ Spits ]

Okay!

We don't have the same endless capacity

for mundane conversation about every little thing.

[ Spits ] Jesus!

Look, you still love him, right?

You do this, huh? What then?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You see, I'm coming with you.

What? Yes!

That way...

we can be together.

Oh, Jesus. Ooh!

Forever!

You don't want me there! Huh?

I'll just get in the way. Three's a crowd.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't --

You don't want to do that. You don't want to do --

Don't do that!

See you on the other side.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

What if there is no other side?

What if the whole idea of an afterlife

is an artificial construct

designed to control and manipulate the masses,

encouraging them to accept religious doctrine

in return for some imaginary reward after death, huh?

Now, you think about that. You just think about it.

Well...I guess we'll find out, won't we?

Aah!

Aah!

[ Gasps, sighs ]

Oh, it's diesel.

[ Laughs ] It's diesel!

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ]

Light as many matches as you want, babe.

Diesel doesn't ignite on contact with naked flame.

You think you can rewrite the laws of chemistry?

Good luck. [ Groans ]

[ Laughs ]

Did you know she was insane

when you first started going out with her?

[ Mumbling ] How do they do that?

What are you doing? You shut up!

I'm gonna cave your skull in!

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

Trust me. I know how you feel.

You took your time.

Oh. You're welcome.

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

[ Radio chatter ]

I'm not saying I couldn't have talked my way out of it.

Oh, that what you were doing?

Right.

[ Clears throat ]

Anyway...thanks.

Well, I suppose this is goodbye.

Yep.

Some things are just not meant to be.

Not enough ba-bong.

A little too much ba-bing.

Mm.

Maybe.

Lauren?

Nice bedding.

400-thread Egyptian cotton.

Well, are you coming in or what?

Hi. This is Dan Bishop.

Leave your number. I'll call you straight back.

It's me again.

Can you call me when you get this?

It's important, so...

Just call me.

[ Telephone beeps ]

Hey, how do you like your eggs?

Scrambled, poached... unfertilized?

Oh, please!

Come on. It's a classic postcoital gag.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, funny guy.

Where do you keep the cutlery?

In the drawer just down there.

What do you fancy doing this afternoon?

We could go to the zoo. Laugh at the monkeys.

What is this?

Ah.

You've got a file on me? Where did you get this?

Lauren...this isn't as bad as it looks.

Okay. Okay. It is pretty bad.

Look, this doesn't change anything!

Please, Lauren. Lauren.

I'm sorry, okay? Don't go.

Great.

Kate?

Heya.

Any food in the fridge? I'm starving.

[ Smooches ]

Ooh. Can I have this Scotch egg?

What?

Do you want some?

I know.

You know?

Don't make me say it.

Say what?

Are you okay?

Do not touch me.

What is up with you?

Dan, I know. What?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

What did I do now?

Did I forget to do the washing up or something?

Jesus!

What are you doing?!

Who is she? What?

Who is she?

Who?! You're insane!

[ Thud ] Ow! [ Groans ]

Jesus!

You broke my knee!

Aah!

I know about the roses and the perfume...

and the "Fifi" lingerie.

What?

I know about the pack of 12 Pleasure-Max condoms.

Since when could you do it 12 times a night, hmm?

That just for her? [ Gasping ]

You're Mr. 12 Times a Night for her!

[ Thud ] Ow!

All that sex must have made you a bit peckish, did it?

How about a nice steak and kidney pie?

Mmm!

And a lemon meringue pu--

What?

[ Inhales sharply ]

I hope you really enjoyed it!

What are you talking about?!

I know everything!

What's this?

Oh.

What -- It's not -- Who is she?

It was Ryan!

He was buying stuff for his wife's birthday!

[ Breathing heavily ]

It was on your loyalty card.

He doesn't have one! I was with him!

We used my card to get the points!

I'm saving up for a Porsche track day!

[ Groans ]

Ask Ryan! Ask him! I'm not cheating on you!

[ Inhales sharply ] Dan...

Get me an ambulance!

[ Groans ]

[ Mid-tempo jazz playing ]

Rolling pin. Ouch.

Cheers.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey.

How is he?

Well...you fractured both his kneecaps.

So they're going to keep him in overnight.

Right.

Did he say anything?

He says he's not gonna press charges.

And that he's -- he's gonna go

and spend some time with a friend.

So you get the house.

Result.

Huh? Huh?

[ Voice breaking ] That's all right. Just...

Oh, God. I can't believe this.

[ Sighs ]

Just -- Just give him a chance to calm down...

Yeah.

...and, uh, you know, for his -- for his knees to heal.

Yeah.

He got the hang of the wheelchair okay.

Did he? Yeah. Yeah.

[ Glass shatters ]

[ Cheers, laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

So, did you speak to Lauren?

[ Sighs ]

She won't listen to a word I've got to say.

Oh.

I really liked her.

Yeah.

You like Lauren so much,

you're already looking at other women's arses.

That? That's a reflex. That's nothing.

[ Laughing ] Unbelievable.

A woman bends over, you check her out.

All men do.

Not all men do it.

Well, how would you know? You're bent over.

What, you don't check out your own arse

when you're buying new clothes?

Who's that for?

Not you.

[ Laughs ]

You're doing it again.

She keeps bending over.

You're no better than a baboon.

A woman bends over, I look at her.

That makes me a baboon?

Uh-huh. You're a baboon.

What, you got a problem with baboons?

Look. You missed one. She's doing it again.

You know what you are? You're baboonist.

Am I? Yes.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

There's a body in here.

[ Grunts ]

JACK: I think that was his head.

[ Gunshots ]

You see where that came from? Are you insane?

You think I was hanging around to take a look?

You... [ Grunts ]

...take... [ Gunshots ]

...incompetence... [ Grunts ]

...to an entirely new level.

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