Original subtitles

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May I, Mr. Arkan? May I?

Be my guest.

Thank you!

It's for the boys. They like ears.

It's an ear for the kids.

Earring and all. Fags.

Arkan, forgive me.

Pipo, Pipa! I've got an ear!

An ear! With earring and all!

- Come on. Come get it! - Give it to me!

Get it! Get it!

- Who wants it? Get it! - It's for me! I want it!

Get outta here, you little rascal!

It's for you, sweetie.

All those dirty things we do at night have their pay- offs. Now give me a kiss.

Fuck. Come on. Leave her alone!

Give me!

Good evening, my lady.

I have a present for you.

And I promise that soon, all will return to how it was before.

He has returned, madame, to help us.

Fortunately, we are once more under his diabolic protection.

Help me, Arkan.

I feel so hopeless.

We will be victorious again, madame.

Help me, Arkan.

Help me...

THOSE BLUE HEAVENS WE ALL BEHOLD ARE NEITHER SKY, NOR BLUE

I fall in love

To keep my health

I'm gonna kill

And you'll be my man

I fall in love

To keep my health

I'm gonna kill And you'll be my man

When I was five I got a knife

I killed a cop for the seventh time

Full moon tonight The time is right

I feel so good I don't want to die

I want your love I need your blood

Bye- bye, my love I just need your love

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

Don't hope for things I want to see

I kill to live I'm alive to kill

I kill with knives I kill With guns

But I prefer to have some fun

No one will say 'kay 'kay

The rep you take Don't believe the tale

I want your love I need your blood

Bye- bye, my love I just need your love

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I fall in love To keep my health

I'm gonna kill And you'll be my man

When I was five I got a knife

I killed a cop for the seventh time

I love you

I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you, I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you, I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you, I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you, I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

I love you, I love you

I'm gonna kill you tonight

Hey, Rafa!

That's all?

Quit complaining.

Hash?

- You want hash, man? - Beat it!

Fine, man.

Some peace and quiet.

Take that, peace!

- Is this the right way? - What?

- Are we going the right way? - Yeah.

- I said, are we going the right way? - I said, “yeah.”

- How far is it? - Another 200 kilometers or so.

- How much? - About 200 miles.

Jesus Christ.

God, what an appetite.

Hey, Sharon, why not make some sandwiches?

I'll do this. This slut's already eaten anyway.

You're not hungry anymore, are you, slut?

You sure this is the way?

The directions were pretty damn clear.

The road seems awfully rocky.

Rocky? Rock on!

Be careful.

And you, keep your hands to yourself, please.

Jealous bitch.

Eat your heart out.

Shit!

Damn, man, you're gonna get us killed!

Hey, I taught Carlos Sainz everything he knows.

Goddamn it.

Shit!

Give me the flashlight.

Fuck, fuck!

What the hell is wrong with this thing?

It broke in Zamora. Remember? It fell in the river.

- And you couldn't buy new batteries? - Me? Why me? He's the manager.

The manager. Looks like he's managing this.

I think the axle is broken.

What the fuck do you know?

What are you doing here?

Having a grand old time, as you can see.

- Know much about cars? - A bit.

- Can you take a look, please? - Yes, please.

- Are you British? - Yes, I am. And they're Spanish.

Rafa, Flavia...

And the owner of these legs is Sharon.

One leg is from Belgium, and one leg is from Mallorca.

Looks like it's the suspension.

Great, just what we needed. Is there a garage around here?

Not for 62 kilometers.

I'll call a tow truck. I'll make sure they come first thing tomorrow.

Not tonight?

At this hour? I'm afraid not.

We're fucked.

Come stay at the house. We can call the tow truck from there.

Is your house nearby?

Yes, up there.

But the house is not mine. It belongs to the Countess Fledermaus.

I am her secretary.

Do you think she'll mind?

No.

She likes young people.

No, no, we'll sleep here. That's fine.

The house will be better.

You guys are disgusting. Stop fucking.

Stop fucking for just a while.

- What's your fucking problem? - We're staying here tonight.

So I hear.

There's a house up there. Let's go.

We'll stay behind. We have some things to take care of.

You disgusting rats.

- Let's go. - Come on, leave them alone.

Hey, if you guys need a hand, here I am.

He's got me covered. Thanks.

Well, enjoy, then.

The path ends here. What was your destination?

We're headed to El Algar. We're musicians and we're performing there tomorrow.

Dirty mongrels, at it again.

Is there somewhere we could rent a van or a big car?

Yes. The same place with the tow truck can help.

This is the palace of the countess. It's a lovely building, isn't it?

Yeah, this place is beautiful. Must be good for your health, too.

Wait here. I'll announce your arrival to the countess.

I recognize this lady.

I don't, but damn, she's hot.

Well, she's pretty, but she's not my type of broad.

First Countess of Fledermaus.

She was the darling of the court of Luis II.

Wife of Count Fledermaus.

He received the title because of his services to the king.

She was a great singer.

Comic opera.

Lady Olga.

Lady Olga.

They are here.

Five young fellows full of energy and health.

Tomorrow your pains will be over for a few months.

I need...

I need...

Now.

- Please. - I've given you the last drop.

Please.

It's like an old horror film.

I love it.

Respect this sacred place.

Now I will show you to your rooms.

Each room has its own bathroom.

I hope you will forgive the state of things.

Please, no need to worry. It looks great.

Much better than in the van.

I wish you all a good night.

And the countess?

The countess begs your pardon.

She's feeling slightly indisposed.

But you will meet her tomorrow, without a doubt.

You'll take care of the tow truck?

I'll call the garage. Don't worry.

- Anything else? - No, thank you.

- No, thank you. - Good night.

This room is mine.

I'm gonna sleep like Queen Victoria.

Good for you!

I'll take something more intimate.

This is Mercury?

Yes, miss.

I need a tow truck. First thing tomorrow, around 7:00.

Thanks.

- May I help you, sir? - No, no. Thank you very much.

The truck will come first thing tomorrow. If there's anything else you need...

No, no. Thank you very much. Thank you.

- This isn't a telephone. - I mean, if he's just talked...

Hello?

It's an intercom.

Didn't you see those old English series on TV?

It's so the servants can talk to the masters.

- You mean that... - He wasn't talking to no garage.

It's impossible.

Holy shit.

I don't like this one bit. Let's go.

Rafa's gone!

What's that about Rafa?

Fucking...

The water's not that hot,

but you better believe I feel like royalty right about now.

Something's not right here.

- He called a tow truck. - Fantastic.

But he didn't actually call.

The phone may look like a phone, but it's not.

It's one of those old gadgets. Know what I mean?

No clue.

Haven't you seen Upstairs, Downstairs?

What?

You know, that British TV series.

The only British series for me is Mr. Bean. Cool it.

We'll sleep and have some dinner. Tomorrow we'll deal with the tow truck.

Come on, take a shower and stop imagining things.

Tell me how much you love me.

Madame...

I love you more...

than anybody who loved somebody never before.

More than Francesca loved Paolo,

Cyrano, Beatrice,

and Romeo loves Juliette.

Do you think...

Do you believe that I'll become beautiful again?

I am sure of it.

You will be once again the goddess you were before.

Yes, you will shine, by every standard.

Awesome!

Who, that chick?

No, the little dolls.

Daddy, are you jacking off?

There's a monster inside! A monster! A devil!

What do you mean, a monster? For real?

Yes. No, it's a puppet.

- It's just a do”. - It's horrible.

Speaking of horrible. Damn.

Let's go to the house, Sharon. It's up there.

Besides, a shower and some breakfast will do us wonders.

Come on, Billy. Let's get out of here.

Of course, we're going.

Twelve o'clock? No way.

- What time do you have? - Twelve o'clock.

The sun is coming up, man. There's no way it's 12:00.

What the hell? Come on, let's find the others.

It looks like an old convent, or a prison.

Weird.

Is that a monk? Looks like he's hanging there.

It's a dreadful old legend.

He appears on the wall from time to time.

They say he comes when he's needed.

Who was he?

A satanic monk.

He tormented and killed many innocent youths.

The story has it he once fell in love with a great noblewoman.

Horror stricken, she rejected him.

He looked her up in that cell.

He broke her and eventually tortured her to death.

In the lady's terrible death throes,

the monk, who loved her with all his heart,

using his own blood and semen as a base,

prepared a magic potion that saved her at the very last instant.

Her servant came to her rescue.

- What happened to the monk? - He hanged himself in his cell.

It was walled up, as was the window.

You can see a window is missing.

And when he returns, is it for good or evil?

Do you know the boundary, miss, between good and evil?

Do you know what time it is?

- I haven't worn a watch for some time. - And in the house?

All the clocks are stopped.

- At 12:00, I bet. - Don't say that!

He's gone.

What is this music? It's beautiful.

It's mine.

This one, too.

Hey, where are the others?

Fucking, I presume. Like you.

There's a bathroom upstairs. Use it.

Is there anything to eat?

Cookies and chocolate. Look in the room next to the bathroom.

Billy!

Billy!

Billy, let's get out of here.

Look at the state I'm in. Let me wash up.

We have to get back to the van.

Fine, let's go.

Don't you think this place is sinister?

Wouldn't you rather the two of us went back to the van?

Baltasar!

Baltasar!

- Gimme the skull. - I won't.

- Gimme. - No, I won't!

- Gimme. - I won't.

Give it here.

- The skull. - No!

Enough, you two!

- It's mine. - No!

- Gimme the skull. - I won't.

- It's mine. - I said no!

- Give it. It was for me. - I won't.

Gimme.

Baltasar.

Baltasar.

- Is it time? - Yes.

Can I take the kids? The little ones? The kids?

No, let them play for now.

Look, look.

What about the scythe? Can I use it?

It's fresh off the sharpener.

I love it. It's fantastic.

There's nothing better than a good knife.

A good knife is the best.

Please! Let me. Let me, please.

- All right, then. Come on. - Thank you.

Thank you, master.

- We'll get this out of the way tomorrow. - Yes, master.

The kids behaved yesterday. They're really smart.

I can see that. Well done.

They've done us proud.

Just look at 'em.

The kids. Throw them out.

- Out! - Yes, yes.

Boys, boys, listen to the master.

Go away! Go away!

Go on, get a move on.

My balls! My...

No, boss. Let me. Let me, Arkan.

It's like hunting down a young vixen. A little fox.

I smell her, boss. I smell her. She must be nearby.

Just be careful what you do. We need her alive.

Don't worry. I'll treat her like a little doll.

Come on, slutty little vixen. Come out of your foxhole.

I can smell her, I can smell her.

She smells like fear.

I can smell her.

I smell her, I smell her, boss.

She's gotta be close.

Someone's not so horny anymore.

Come on, little vixen. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

It's your fault we lost her. Idiot!

She must be nearby.

There's no use. Let's return to the house.

Shut up, you fool. I'll take care of her myself.

Come on, little vixen! No need to lose your head.

I'll take care of that for you.

I smell you, slut!

I smell you!

Enough of your nonsense. Let's return to the other dock.

You've gone and spoiled her.

No, boss. She's better without her head!

Son of a bitch.

What a drag. Such a wonderful instrument.

You kidding? It's from the Late Stone Age.

Nothing beats a good synthetic keyboard.

I know this lady.

Fuck, of course I know her. It's Olga Lujan.

- No fucking clue. - Olga Lujan! Of course.

She did film, she was a singer.

She went into Hollywood, Paris...

You know, she did that...

Yeah, that's it! And that risqué old number.

Between my legs There's hidden treasure

- That one was a hit. - Stop fooling around.

The butler told us she was the favorite of Luis II.

When she sang “Between my legs, there's hidden treasure,”

she must've been at least 100 years old.

But I'm sure she was a babe nevertheless.

All right, all right. It's impossible.

But is it the same woman?

- I don't know, man, I'm not sure. - Look at her.

I've come to inform you that your van will be repaired in a matter of hours.

No shit, they already came for it?

They certainly have.

By the way, the countess invites you for lunch.

She will come downstairs to pay her respects.

Thanks. I was starting to doubt her existence.

Well paid You were well paid, woman

Come on!

Daddy, Daddy! Oh, boy!

Daddy!

- Great! Do her, do her! - She's pretty.

Are you out of your mind? Can't you see she's still fresh?

You have no decency. No tact at all.

Out of the way!

We have to wait a few days.

Well paid You were well paid, woman

You were well paid, woman

Woman

You were well paid

You were well paid

Since I bought your kisses

Well paid, well paid

There you are. Don't go anywhere, now.

Must be ready by now.

The countess grows impatient.

She's an antsy one, that countess.

Please, help yourself, master.

It's ready. Serve yourself.

Get out. Get out!

Get out!

Leave me!

Ladies, gentlemen.

Behold, the legendary Olga Lujan.

To youth.

And to the beauty of our guests.

To the finest damn woman I've ever seen in my life.

Entrails a la toscana.

Perfect, Arkan.

You really are Olga Lujan, then?

If you think so.

You sure look the part.

But I'm a little confused.

You'd be 100 years old by now, at the least.

People are only as old as they appear.

You're a light eater.

I eat very little.

This is wild. I can't believe it.

Now I know why all those cheesy actors like Tyrone Power and Errol Flynn

drooled all over themselves over a babe like you.

Looking at you, he understands

why all the old romantic actors fell in love

with beautiful ladies like you.

But I'm real.

My hand is real.

My breasts are real.

This is the breast of a woman of a hundred?

Come with me.

I will teach you all my secrets.

Come.

How old are you?

Nineteen.

I hope you are not jealous of a poor old woman.

Some nerve she's got!

Why? Maybe she'll teach him a thing or two.

It's not that. I'm just pissed I wasn't invited.

No. No.

Please.

No. No.

No, no!

No!

If you've come to rape me, you picked out the wrong door.

I had a terrible nightmare.

Not surprised. What was it about?

I don't know. I can't remember.

It was awful.

You can stay here if you want.

What can I do with you?

You can strike my ass. I rather like that.

Hey.

Anyway, you never know.

As they say, while there's life, there's hope.

No, I'm serious now.

Slept with a girl a little while ago.

I don't believe you.

Bitch tricked me. I thought she was a transvestite.

So what did you do?

What could I do? I sacrificed myself.

Anyway, it was too late to go back.

Did you hear that?

Your friend Rafa is getting his rocks off.

Where are you going? Don't be a masochist.

I know his tone fucking. It's not him.

Will you be cross if I don't come?

No, Why?

Because even if you are cross, I'm not coming.

Fucking idiot.

More!

Help.

Flavia.

Flavia, my God.

What happened to you? How did you end up here?

They're bloodthirsty monsters.

They want our blood for one of their own.

The countess?

But... And Sharon! Why?

They killed her just now.

They thought I was dead.

We have to get out of here.

Let's go to the river.

We can't leave without Rafa and Mario.

I ask you nothing I owe you nothing

There are some really nice things for making music.

- Shall we take them? - Yeah, yeah.

Yes!

What if the owners get mad?

I don't think we have to worry about them.

The van, too?

The van, too. All of it!

Now it's rock and roll, well paid!

Techno, techno!

They're in the van.

The door. Let's shut it.

Good idea.

Techno, techno!

Stop! Stop right there!

Game over, foolish little girl.

Who's there?

No!

I'm a pacifist. I don't know a thing about weapons.

Where's Rafa?

You'd think he would've heard all this racket.

Techno, techno. Come on! Come on, total techno!

Come on, dance, dance, dance.

That's it. Techno, techno.

You two can't dance for shit.

Dance, dance. Techno, techno.

Come on, dance. Face the rhythm.

I don't know which of you dances worse.

Come on, you godforsaken midgets, dance.

Techno, techno, techno.

Get that techno.

You're terrible dancers.

Come on, total techno time.

Total techno, total techno.

How did you two end up so ugly?

You don't look a thing like me.

Come on, techno, techno.

Come on, move it. You could use the exercise.

Hit it! Techno, techno.

What's the deal, you won't dance unless I give you pills?

Come on, dance! Techno, techno.

Total techno, total techno.

Faster, faster!

Techno, techno. Techno, techno, techno.

Come on, dance to the techno. Dance to the techno.

You want to see the last act of the play?

Olga Lujan, the dead woman.

Come! Come with me.

Come.

Yes, it's me.

It's me. It's me!

It's me.

Come, come with me.

Yes, it's me, Olga Lujan.

The goddess.

My servant showed me the path to eternal youth.

Blood is warm.

The blood of youth is beautiful life.

Life.

I have shown to him the way of the pleasure.

The ecstasy of dying.

You shall endure the pleasure with me, too.

Come, come, come.

Share with me the way of the pleasure.

Techno, techno, total techno.

Techno, techno.

Hey, leave my dad alone, you bastard!

Open the door!

- Leave him alone! - Dad, Dad!

Open it! Open it!

- Dad! - Let him out, you bastard.

Billy!

Shit.

Mario, Mario!

Let's go to the river!

Look at all the boats.

Mario!

Mario!

I didn't know you could drive.

Cars, no way. But steamrollers...

Steamrollers!

This one's loose.

FORTUNATELY, FLAVIA AND MARIO MADE IT BACK TO THE BIG CITY

WHERE THEY CONTINUE THEIR MUSICAL CAREER

THEY ARE CLOSE FRIENDS

OLGA LUJAN AND ARKAN PERISHED, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN

THE MANSION WAS CONVERTED INTO A STATE- RUN HOTEL

BALTASAR WAS ROADKILL FOR SEVERAL DAYS

HE LATER RETURNED TO THE WALL TO AWAIT HIS NEXT OPPORTUNITY

THE KILLER BARBYS GOT A NEW VAN AND THEY ARE STILL ON THE ROAD

NONE OF THEM ACTUALLY DIED

AS PROOF, THEY ARE PERFORMING TONIGHT IN VALENCIA

FORTUNATELY, OUR STORY IS NO MORE THAN PURE FANTASY

I'll remember it forever

Comic books show me the way

I have fun reading Mad Monsters and Custom Cars

I'll remember it forever

The old shop near home

Jack “King” Kirby drives me crazy

And I want you today

Comic books showed me the way

Silver Surfer, Iron Man

The Thing and Spider- Man

I'll remember it forever

Comic books showed me the way

Jack “King” Kirby drives me crazy

And I want you today

Comic books showed me the way

Silver Surfer, Iron Man

The Thing and Spider- Man

Comic books showed me the way

Silver Surfer, Iron Man

Comic books showed me the way

Red Skull and Lava Men

The Avengers and X- Men

THE END?

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