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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,262 --> 00:00:03,481 ♪ Summertime blows me away ♪ 2 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:06,963 ♪ And summertime I can't stay ♪ 3 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,573 ♪ It's not sensible ♪ 4 00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:10,358 ♪ But I'm desperate ♪ 5 00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:12,751 ♪ I'm a part of it... ♪ 6 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,016 ♪ What a find ♪ 7 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:17,626 ♪ I can't stay ♪ 8 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,062 ♪ It's inevitable ♪ 9 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:20,977 ♪ Though I can't let go ♪ 10 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:23,414 ♪ I will never know ♪ 11 00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:26,330 ♪ Oh, baby ♪ 12 00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:30,117 ♪ Why does all this get the best of me? ♪ 13 00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:33,859 ♪ September comes and I am too hot to say ♪ 14 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:38,168 ♪ My heart keeps burning for you... ♪ 15 00:00:39,082 --> 00:00:42,868 [Peter] This is more retarded than when I got that gumball stuck up my nose. 16 00:00:43,913 --> 00:00:47,960 Or the time I wanted to be the first white Harlem Globetrotters. 17 00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:52,313 And this has got to be more embarrassing than the time 18 00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,315 my mom walked in on me 19 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,534 while I was trying to simulate vaginal friction 20 00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:59,276 by rubbing my boner between the mattress and box springs. 21 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,278 [mother] Why don't you go out and play. 22 00:01:01,452 --> 00:01:03,019 It's such a beautiful day. 23 00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:06,240 No. This tops it. 24 00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,503 -And it's all because of Erica. -[laughter] 25 00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:11,549 [children giggling] 26 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:14,944 -[Peter] Erica. -[laughter] 27 00:01:15,118 --> 00:01:16,511 It sounds so much like 28 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,600 erotica. 29 00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,211 And it's fitting. 30 00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,300 She's a walking wet dream. 31 00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:26,129 [water splashes] 32 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,959 The kind of girl whose mere glance at you 33 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,093 could get your pecker to stand up and say, "Howdy" 34 00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:35,704 and not your normal, run-of-the-mill erection. 35 00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:38,794 We're talking the kind that could be picked up on radar. 36 00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,536 The kind you could hang a flag from. 37 00:01:45,496 --> 00:01:47,063 [giggles] 38 00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,936 [Peter] Mm... and her breasts... 39 00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,330 They must have tractor beams in them. 40 00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,550 They pull my hands toward them 41 00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:58,640 like the death star dragging in the millennium falcon. 42 00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:03,949 -[Peter] Oh! -[Erica laughs] 43 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,259 Come on, guys! Whoo! 44 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:11,174 [children screaming, giggling] 45 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:26,494 [in an Italian accent] If I had breasts like that I could have ruled the world. 46 00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,151 You are in love with her, no? 47 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,197 No, I'm not. 48 00:02:35,198 --> 00:02:37,200 Then why are you sitting so funny? 49 00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:39,942 I don't know. 50 00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:42,901 Don't be shamed. 51 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:48,080 A man is two people, himself and his penis. 52 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,779 A man always takes his friend to the party 53 00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,521 but of the two, the friend is nicer 54 00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:56,785 because he is more able to show his feelings. 55 00:02:58,613 --> 00:02:59,918 Does this, uh, 56 00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,399 Erica know what you think about her? 57 00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,794 She's got a boyfriend. 58 00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,883 Oh. They are not lovers? 59 00:03:09,624 --> 00:03:11,930 -I don't think so. -That is good. 60 00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:14,803 One pubic hair between a man and a woman 61 00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:17,414 can be stronger than the Atlantic cable. 62 00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:19,199 You're telling me. 63 00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:21,636 What is your problem with the bella? 64 00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:23,768 She goes off to college on the east coast 65 00:03:23,942 --> 00:03:25,988 -in three months. -Ahh! 66 00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:29,252 Then you must declare your love to her immediately. 67 00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:30,340 -Are you crazy? -You must. 68 00:03:30,514 --> 00:03:31,776 It is the only way. 69 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,169 Oh, no, no, no. 70 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,171 She'll think I'm a spaz. 71 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:39,306 Then you prefer to sit funny the rest of your life? 72 00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,830 Now, listen, ragazzo, 73 00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,484 I will you tell you a story. 74 00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:47,009 It is about your great, great grandfather 75 00:03:47,183 --> 00:03:49,577 Giuseppe Luigi Bendini. 76 00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,188 When he was a boy your age, 77 00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:55,409 he was in love with the most beautiful girl 78 00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,498 in the village of Cascata. 79 00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,935 But thebella, 80 00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,243 she did not see anything in Giuseppe. 81 00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,680 So, one day, Giuseppe, 82 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,464 an enterprising young boy, 83 00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,597 declared his love to her. 84 00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:11,033 He said... 85 00:04:11,947 --> 00:04:15,167 "I, Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, love you 86 00:04:15,342 --> 00:04:18,388 and to prove that I will always be there for you 87 00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:24,133 I will stand under your balcony day and night without relent 88 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:27,136 until you fall in love with me." 89 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,443 [romantic Italian music] 90 00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:36,014 So, Giuseppe stood outside that balcony 91 00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,060 day and night, 92 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,236 -night and day... -[rooster crowing] 93 00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:42,586 ...until, finally, 94 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,024 his love came out to the balcony and cried... 95 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:50,551 [mimics woman's voices] "Giuseppe Luigi Bendini, I love you." 96 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:55,164 So, Giuseppe climbed up to the balcony and into her bed. 97 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,428 They made love so passionately 98 00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,561 that the ground shook... 99 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,608 ...and villagers today still believe 100 00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:08,090 that's what caused the 1874 earthquake. 101 00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,746 [Erica and kids laughing] 102 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,182 I can't do that. 103 00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,184 [Giuseppe] You can, my friend. 104 00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:18,535 Women are like breaking into a bank, 105 00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:20,494 it takes nerve, 106 00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,017 it takes daring, 107 00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:27,065 sometimes, you need a little bit of dynamite to blow the vault. 108 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,288 [Peter] I don't know what it was. 109 00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:35,117 Maybe all the benzoyl peroxide in my zit cream 110 00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,988 had affected my brain. 111 00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,643 Or maybe I had a strange fetish for humiliation 112 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:41,166 at the hands of a woman. 113 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,386 I could only figure this somehow stemmed 114 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,433 from watching too many episodes of Julie Newmar 115 00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:49,436 as the catwoman in all thosebatman re-runs. 116 00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,960 But it seemed like an audacious idea. 117 00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:53,744 I decided to try it. 118 00:05:54,919 --> 00:05:57,095 Peter, that is so sweet. 119 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,402 I was beginning to think this just might work 120 00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:00,882 when she said the most dreaded 121 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,058 two words in the English language. 122 00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,016 But Peter, we're just friends. 123 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,323 -[dramatic music] -[Peter] "Just friends." 124 00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:10,370 The words hit me like screaming lead shot from a. 38. 125 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:11,893 I want to be... 126 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:12,894 [gasps] 127 00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:14,983 ...just friends. 128 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:16,550 -[gunshot] -Oh! 129 00:06:16,724 --> 00:06:17,594 -[gunshot] -Oh! 130 00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:19,596 -[gunshot] -Ooh! 131 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:24,862 [Giuseppe] It's just a flesh wound, my friend. 132 00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,429 It will not kill you. 133 00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,692 Get back up and fight. 134 00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:31,303 [Italian music] 135 00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:35,482 I'm not going to give up so easily. 136 00:06:35,656 --> 00:06:37,397 -But Peter... -[engine whirring] 137 00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:41,226 I was rudely interrupted by Erica's boyfriend, Nick. 138 00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,491 [rock music blaring] 139 00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:50,279 [Peter] He's what I call a gaping asshole. 140 00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,716 [tires screeching] 141 00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,719 You know, the type of guy that's going to college 142 00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,895 on a football scholarship. 143 00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:01,246 But what bothers me most is, he's one of those macho dicks 144 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:05,033 who's always grabbing his crotch and adjusting his balls. 145 00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:07,427 I mean, what's the deal? 146 00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:10,299 He acts like he's a guard at the Tower of London. 147 00:07:10,473 --> 00:07:11,909 He's got to check every ten seconds 148 00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:15,043 to see if the crown jewels are still there. 149 00:07:18,612 --> 00:07:20,440 [hawking, spitting] 150 00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:23,791 [Peter] And how come every asshole I know has to make that noise? 151 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:27,403 [hawking, spitting] 152 00:07:27,577 --> 00:07:30,450 You can hear a symphony of those in any boys' locker room. 153 00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:32,539 Is it like a lion roaring? 154 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:34,584 The asshole who can hawk a loogie the loudest 155 00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:37,195 -is the leader of the herd? -[hawking, spitting] 156 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:40,285 Needless to say, Nick has been my nemesis since I was five. 157 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,809 [hawking] 158 00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,027 [spitting] 159 00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,249 [Erica's dad] I forbid you to go out dressed like that. 160 00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,425 -Dad. -No self-respecting Christian girl 161 00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:50,992 would be seen in public in a... 162 00:07:51,993 --> 00:07:54,299 -Get in the house. Just get in the house. -[sighs] 163 00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:00,001 [Erica's dad] Erica... 164 00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:01,872 -Erica! Erica! -[laughs] 165 00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,922 [Peter] Erica looked more doable than Barbara Feldon inGet Smart. 166 00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,358 Erica! Erica! Get your... 167 00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,794 [Peter] She kissed Nick so hard 168 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:11,795 I'm sure they could have swallowed 169 00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,231 each other's uvulas. 170 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:14,668 [Erica's dad] Erica, if you... 171 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,108 [whispering] What the hell is his story? 172 00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:22,589 [Peter] She then proceeded to tell Nick 173 00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,329 what I was up to. 174 00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,593 [snickering] 175 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:34,383 [laughing] 176 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,254 [imitating Nick's laughter] 177 00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,996 [Peter] And if things weren't hard enough 178 00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:41,477 I encountered more unexpected problems. 179 00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,827 Our prayers have been answered. 180 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,960 I've been asking God to send someone 181 00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:48,658 to take her away from that heathen boyfriend, Nick. 182 00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,704 -You're a miracle. -Yes. 183 00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,619 [Peter] Erica's dad could never have a conversation 184 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,838 without quoting some guy named Zig Ziglar, 185 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:56,971 a Christian motivational speaker. 186 00:08:57,145 --> 00:09:00,061 Frankly, I'd never be caught dead quoting someone named Zig. 187 00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:03,630 The difference between you and that barbarian Nick 188 00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:05,588 is that you-- Remember what he said, 189 00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:10,898 -have a swelled heart, not a swelled head. -Ah. 190 00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,291 [Peter] I wanted to tell him that his daughter gave me both, 191 00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:14,902 but I didn't. 192 00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,078 Peter, I thought you might be hungry 193 00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:19,733 so I brought you some cookies I made for the church bake sale. 194 00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:22,518 I wasn't all that surprised by the cookies. 195 00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,652 This is the same woman who encourages her youngest daughter, Mary, 196 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,915 to play with nun dolls. 197 00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,569 Now say 50 more. 198 00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,527 Hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary 199 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,530 hail, Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Mary... 200 00:09:34,704 --> 00:09:36,140 -Thanks. -[both] Yeah. 201 00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:37,315 [Peter] Now, let's face it. 202 00:09:37,489 --> 00:09:38,578 It's a proven fact 203 00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,231 that girls do not fall in love 204 00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:42,625 with any boy her parents actually like. 205 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,409 I vowed at that very moment 206 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,760 that I would find a way to make her parents hate me. 207 00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,110 I set Giuseppe to work on it. 208 00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:50,502 [Italian music] 209 00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,461 [Mary] ...Mary, hail, Mary, hail... 210 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,419 Go ahead, Peter, try it. 211 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,378 [Mary] Mary hail, Mary, hail, Mary 212 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:59,076 and hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary 213 00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,035 hail, Mary, hail, me-Mary 214 00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:03,951 hail, ma-- Mary, hail, Mary... 215 00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:05,430 Huh? 216 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,475 [Mary] Hail, Mary, hail, ma-- Mary... 217 00:10:06,649 --> 00:10:07,955 Mm... 218 00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,609 [Mary] ...Mary, hail, Mary, hail, Ma-- 219 00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:11,611 hail-- ugh... 220 00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,571 [Peter] My dad's reaction to my plan 221 00:10:15,745 --> 00:10:17,355 when he heard about it from mom 222 00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,227 registered on the Richter Scale at Caltech. 223 00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,185 Peter... Peter! 224 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,839 Stop acting like you don't hear me. 225 00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,101 Peter... 226 00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,538 [grunts and sighs] 227 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,150 Hell's bells. You get inside right this instant. 228 00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,326 I'm not leaving this spot. 229 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,675 Yes, you are. 230 00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:33,676 No, I'm not. 231 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:34,634 Yes, you are. 232 00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:35,809 You stop listening 233 00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,201 to your grandfather's nonsense. 234 00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,463 He's not all there. Now, come on. 235 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,248 Let go. I'm not hurting anyone. 236 00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,293 You are acting like a fool. 237 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,034 -Now, come on. -No! 238 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:45,253 -Give it up, son. -Mom! 239 00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:46,515 Listen to your father, 240 00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:47,603 -Peter! -This is ridiculous. 241 00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,083 What will the neighbors think? 242 00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:50,737 Some of them are my patients. 243 00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:51,825 They might stop coming to me 244 00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,304 if they think my son's a pervert 245 00:10:53,478 --> 00:10:55,132 who stands under young girls' windows. 246 00:10:55,306 --> 00:10:58,092 -You're just-- Our entire family... -Dad! 247 00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,746 -[Peter's dad] Now, let's go, Peter. -[grandpa] I'm sorry. 248 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,486 [fence creaking] 249 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:02,487 Oh, oh! 250 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,533 My new guinea impatiens! 251 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,362 -I'm sorry. -What are you doing? 252 00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:08,145 -I'm sorry. -[Peter] Good old Nonno. 253 00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,146 I'm sorry. 254 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:09,973 Whenever a situation 255 00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:10,974 calls for it 256 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,149 my grandfather pulls 257 00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:13,716 his infirm-old-man routine. 258 00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,676 He's saved my life hundreds of times. 259 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:19,374 [sobbing] I'm sorry. 260 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,247 [Peter] The same couldn't be said for my best friend, Matt. 261 00:11:23,857 --> 00:11:25,859 -This is my last chance. -Look, you know, 262 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,296 I just don't want to see you setting yourself up like this, man. 263 00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,994 I've been in love with Erica since we were kids. 264 00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,214 We used to play cowboys and Indians together. 265 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,781 -[screams, laughs] -When we were little 266 00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,696 we used to do everything together. 267 00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:40,090 When you get mad at someone, you go like this. 268 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,266 It was great. 269 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,878 It'll never work, uh-uh. 270 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:47,881 -Why not? -'Cause we're losers. 271 00:11:48,577 --> 00:11:51,406 Look, we've been picked by genetic selection 272 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,017 to be the world's biggest living proof 273 00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:55,323 that this world is fucked. 274 00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:56,411 How's that? 275 00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,892 We lost the DNA lottery. 276 00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:01,459 We didn't get the asshole gene. 277 00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,548 See, we're the nice guys. 278 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,289 We're never going to succeed. 279 00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:08,031 Only the assholes get the girls and the dough, bro. 280 00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,338 You've got it all figured out? 281 00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:11,687 Damned straight I do. 282 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,255 My parents think I'm going to college in the fall. 283 00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:17,258 I'm not going to college so I can be one of those jerks with a degree 284 00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,260 who ends up assistant managing a burger king. 285 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,610 "Would you like fries with that, please?" No way. 286 00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:22,916 So, you're just going to give up? 287 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,091 Yep. 288 00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,093 Oh, and I suppose you want me to give up, too. 289 00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:31,011 Exactly. You got to become comfortably numb. 290 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,188 You can't let anyone or anything disappoint you. 291 00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,146 You got to be self-sufficient. 292 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,800 I mean, look at me. 293 00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,629 Do I need a girl like Erica? No. 294 00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,850 Hey, as long as you're going to be here all summer 295 00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,547 mind if I use your mailing address? 296 00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:47,941 -What for? -I sent away for something 297 00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,291 and I don't want my mom to accidentally open it. 298 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,596 So I figured you'll be out here, you know, 299 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,728 you can intercept it for me 300 00:12:52,902 --> 00:12:53,773 before anyone else will get it. 301 00:12:54,686 --> 00:12:55,862 -Okay, I guess. -Yes. 302 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,560 Hey, look, admit it. 303 00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,128 Sometimes, you wish you had a girlfriend. 304 00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:02,564 No way. 305 00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,653 Blockbuster, domino's pizza 306 00:13:04,827 --> 00:13:06,655 rosy palm and her five friends 307 00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,614 are all I need for a great Saturday night. 308 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,355 Maybe if you're 14. 309 00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,705 Okay. You do have a point. 310 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:17,622 Sometimes I do need to spice up my love life a little bit. 311 00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:22,105 I'd like you to meet my date for the evening, Peter. 312 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,328 You know, I read in Barely Legalmagazine 313 00:13:27,502 --> 00:13:30,679 about this guy who got off humping fruit. 314 00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:32,333 You're a sick puppy. 315 00:13:32,507 --> 00:13:35,902 Ah, the sun is going to make it nice and warm, 316 00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,295 just like the real thing. 317 00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,080 Well, what about the seeds? 318 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,604 Well, come on, I'm not going to go down on it. 319 00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,346 [upbeat jazzy music] 320 00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:50,394 [kids chattering] 321 00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,744 [Peter] I amuse myself by watching the neighborhood. 322 00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,529 Life is my tv, 323 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,271 and it was a little more interesting than network television. 324 00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,621 There was Mr. Mays. 325 00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,624 My parents think he works for the CIA or the FBI. 326 00:14:02,798 --> 00:14:04,756 It's because every time he comes home 327 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,063 he drives his car around the block again and again 328 00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,239 -to make sure he's not being followed. -[laughter] 329 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,938 There's a kid on the street that's a pyromaniac. 330 00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:14,114 [firecracker exploding] 331 00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:16,638 [kid laughing] 332 00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:22,383 Matt made sure his parents had left him alone in the house. 333 00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,298 Bye, guys! 334 00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,431 He then went to the upstairs bathroom 335 00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:29,869 to makeamore with his watermelon. 336 00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,002 And the guy across the street, 337 00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:34,569 I forget his name, 338 00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:36,571 but he seems so sad. 339 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,312 His wife has cancer. 340 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,922 He dutifully takes her out 341 00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,011 for a breath of fresh air every day. 342 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,275 It's a good thing Erica isn't around. 343 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,800 I got a woody watching Ms. Lewis work out toBuns of Steel. 344 00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:50,890 [Buns of Steel host] And pull and pull and pull... 345 00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:53,109 Mr. Mays put in a second lap. 346 00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,683 The crazy lady next door eats her dinner in the car. 347 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:06,079 -[kids fighting] -I was dismayed to see history repeating itself. 348 00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:10,735 Maybe Matt is right. Some people are born with the asshole gene 349 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,389 and some of us aren't. 350 00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,701 There was nothing much happening to keep me amused at night. 351 00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:23,009 At about ten, I saw Matt go out to the upstairs balcony. 352 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:25,707 If he had been in there all that time 353 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:28,797 that watermelon now had more holes in it than a wiffle ball. 354 00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,756 Only the crazy lady was out. 355 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,671 She was cutting her grass. 356 00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,717 [TV playing] 357 00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,505 Looked like there was something good on TV over at my house 358 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,377 and I wanted to watch it 359 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,858 but something got in the way. 360 00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,253 So, I watered the plants instead. 361 00:15:50,427 --> 00:15:51,602 [zipper unzipping] 362 00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:55,867 I figured I should take advantage 363 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,869 of all the time I had on my hands. 364 00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,307 I vowed that if I were to become Erica's boyfriend 365 00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:03,788 I had to become the greatest lover she had ever known. 366 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:08,793 In pursuit of that goal I decided I would become an expert in love. 367 00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,188 I started by reading The Joy of Sexuality. 368 00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:16,497 It wasn't the descriptions of the wildly uninhibited Chinese-style sex positions 369 00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:19,326 like the "wailing monkey clasping a tree" 370 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:21,850 or "wild geese flying on their backs" 371 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,765 that I found most enlightening. 372 00:16:23,939 --> 00:16:26,594 It was the guy they picked to illustrate 373 00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,813 all the exotic conjugations. 374 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,251 The guy was butt-ugly! 375 00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,470 -[moaning] -And the girl was a babe. 376 00:16:34,297 --> 00:16:37,997 This was inspiring. I mean, if this quest for fire reject could get laid, 377 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,086 why couldn't I? 378 00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:42,175 [moaning] 379 00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,829 [erotic chanting] 380 00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:52,620 [car approaching] 381 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:53,751 [tires screech] 382 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:56,015 [dog barking in distance] 383 00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,016 [door closes] 384 00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:05,981 Oh, good. My parents aren't home from church yet. 385 00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:09,985 I'll meet you inside. 386 00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,335 I'm going to have a little talk with your friend Peter. 387 00:17:12,509 --> 00:17:13,293 Okay. 388 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,990 [tense music] 389 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:17,036 [footsteps] 390 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,561 [door opens, closes] 391 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:32,834 So, you're still here, huh? 392 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,707 You know, I'd have thought you'd gotten smart and given up by now. 393 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:39,406 [hawks and spits] 394 00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,625 Why do you guys always make that noise? 395 00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:42,974 What noise? 396 00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,585 This noise. 397 00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,761 [hawks loudly and spits] 398 00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,634 I mean, you guys spit so much. 399 00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,072 Makes you wonder what you been sucking on. 400 00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,336 Shut up! 401 00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:02,081 Oh, what, what a demonstrative display of masculine aggression. 402 00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:04,953 Did you know that such behavior is a sign 403 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:08,565 of latent homosexuality? 404 00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,136 I think it's time you left. 405 00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,449 -I'm not leaving. -You want to fight? 406 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,146 I'll give you a free shot. 407 00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:27,367 Go for it, my friend. 408 00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:29,586 [Peter] How could I refuse this invitation? 409 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,893 -[creepy laughter] -I was going to lose this fight 410 00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,374 but at least I could get one killer shot in 411 00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:36,593 so I charged the prince of darkness 412 00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:38,639 then I realized my mistake. 413 00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:40,597 -It was a trick! -[muffled scream] 414 00:18:40,771 --> 00:18:42,730 It felt like my nuts had exploded 415 00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,212 and it sounded like a pair of water balloons dropped off a building. 416 00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:50,129 [yelling] 417 00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,479 [Nick chuckles] 418 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,089 [groaning] 419 00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:57,005 [laughs] Mm, that'll teach ya, huh? 420 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,488 [door creaks open, closes] 421 00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,012 [dog barking in distance] 422 00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:06,014 [calm music] 423 00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:11,019 [Peter] I took it as a good sign that Erica was curious to see if I was still there. 424 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:13,282 [birds chirping] 425 00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,987 [Peter] It was important that Erica never see me 426 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,425 flag in my devotion by leaving my post 427 00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:27,122 but on the other hand 428 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:28,993 I didn't want to smell like my uncle Lou 429 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,083 when Erica buckled under my romantic vigilance. 430 00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:35,348 So, I figured while she was getting ready for the day 431 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,132 I'd pop inside for a quick shower 432 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,873 and some cheerios. 433 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,440 What are you doing? 434 00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,006 Changing the locks. 435 00:19:42,572 --> 00:19:44,661 When you finally give up this nonsense, 436 00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,186 I'll let you back inside. 437 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:49,971 Dad, give me a break. 438 00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:51,581 Forget it. 439 00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:54,889 [dead bolt locks] 440 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,156 -Mom. -[Peter's dad] Hmm. 441 00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:02,418 [Peter] This was desperate. 442 00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:03,419 -[sighs] -No food. 443 00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:04,551 No water. 444 00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:05,595 Nice. 445 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:06,901 And I really needed 446 00:20:07,075 --> 00:20:08,772 to do some low-altitude bombing. 447 00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:12,820 [William Tell Overture by Gioachino Rossini] 448 00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:23,657 I had no choice but to impose on my best friend, Matt. 449 00:20:23,831 --> 00:20:25,485 [jiggling door handle] 450 00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,095 [Peter] Hey, Matt, open up! 451 00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:28,357 [Matt] I'm showering, man! 452 00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:30,098 The side door's open! 453 00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:35,277 [William Tell Overture continues] 454 00:20:35,451 --> 00:20:36,757 [door opens, closes] 455 00:20:36,931 --> 00:20:39,586 [footsteps running up stairway] 456 00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:43,764 -[door opens] -[Matt] Hey! Whoa! 457 00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,418 What about a little privacy? 458 00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,595 -Oh, oh, man, light a match. -[toilet flushes] 459 00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:51,206 -[Peter] Sorry. Hey, where's your toothpaste? -[Matt] Get out of here. 460 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,077 People are going to think we're queer or something. 461 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,558 [footsteps running down stairway] 462 00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:56,994 [door creaks open] 463 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,346 [William Tell Overture continues] 464 00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:11,748 [hair dryer whirring] 465 00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:30,854 What the hell are you doing? 466 00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,816 I started reading The Joy of Sexuality. 467 00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:37,731 I checked out the part about cunnilingus. 468 00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,124 I wanted to make sure I was in shape. 469 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,170 Mm, cunnilingus. 470 00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,172 Yo, you been checking out for my mail? 471 00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:46,174 Nothing came yet. 472 00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:47,480 Brought you some food. 473 00:21:49,264 --> 00:21:51,135 -No, thanks. -Come on. It's good. 474 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,963 [sighs] 475 00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:55,226 [loud whirring] 476 00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:01,320 Sorry about the noise, Peter, but I'm putting locks in all the windows. 477 00:22:01,972 --> 00:22:04,584 I don't want Erica pulling another stunt like she did yesterday. 478 00:22:08,979 --> 00:22:10,111 Man. 479 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:12,983 I wish you'd give this up, man. 480 00:22:14,811 --> 00:22:18,206 Listen, I'm not so sure I believe your theory about the asshole gene. 481 00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,687 Oh, come on. 482 00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:22,297 Look, I mean, it's everywhere you look. 483 00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:24,430 -Hey, you want a taste? -Yeah! 484 00:22:25,692 --> 00:22:27,346 That's an isolated case. 485 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:28,521 [bully laughing] 486 00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,871 All right. What if I told you 487 00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:34,831 that even our founding fathers were assholes? 488 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,137 What are you talking about? 489 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,835 Mm, take the Boston Tea Party for instance, 490 00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:40,402 all right? 491 00:22:40,576 --> 00:22:42,143 Even with taxation 492 00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:45,189 the British tea cost less than the colonial tea 493 00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,628 produced by those guys like John Hancock and Sam Adams. 494 00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,847 -No, don't do it! -[laughing] 495 00:22:51,021 --> 00:22:52,196 Mom! 496 00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:54,285 -[firecracker exploding] -[screams] 497 00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:56,766 [hysterical laughter] 498 00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,900 See, the Boston Tea Party wasn't a political act. 499 00:23:00,074 --> 00:23:02,163 It was an industrial espionage. 500 00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:05,079 It was a scam by John Hancock and Sam Adams 501 00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:07,342 to put the British out of business. 502 00:23:08,474 --> 00:23:11,955 See, even our founding fathers were a bunch of assholes. 503 00:23:13,043 --> 00:23:14,436 You've got a point, uh, 504 00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:15,916 but I've been thinking about this 505 00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:18,484 and I got a couple of theories of my own. 506 00:23:19,223 --> 00:23:20,616 Shoot. 507 00:23:21,138 --> 00:23:24,794 Well, I think you can tell a lot about a woman's personality 508 00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:26,579 from the shape of her breasts. 509 00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:28,450 [woman] What are you getting into right now? 510 00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,060 -Take Mrs. Olsen, for instance... -What have you done? 511 00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:31,932 Where did you get this? Is that a firecracker? 512 00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:33,586 [Peter] Her boobs look like the turret on a tank. 513 00:23:34,543 --> 00:23:36,806 Her mammaries look like they could shoot a mortar charge 514 00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,329 and blow you to smithereens. 515 00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:41,289 You can see she has the same ironfisted personality 516 00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:42,856 -that matches her hooters. -[Mrs. Olsen] ...trouble 517 00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:44,771 you have ever been in in of your life! 518 00:23:45,336 --> 00:23:46,773 All right, you got a point. 519 00:23:46,947 --> 00:23:48,688 Go on. 520 00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:51,255 -Now, take the crazy lady next door. -[whimsical music] 521 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,735 [Matt] Don't give me the willies. 522 00:23:53,344 --> 00:23:55,825 [Peter] No, look, she's got mashed potato breasts. 523 00:23:56,391 --> 00:23:57,697 Dude, they're so weird. 524 00:23:57,871 --> 00:23:59,916 [Peter] Yeah, right. She's weird, too. 525 00:24:00,090 --> 00:24:03,572 All right. But you know you're just giving me easy examples. 526 00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:07,141 -[Peter] All right. Ms. Lewis. -[Matt sighs] 527 00:24:07,750 --> 00:24:10,536 Her bosoms are like melons that have been in the store a little too long. 528 00:24:11,362 --> 00:24:12,625 You may be taking a chance buying them 529 00:24:12,799 --> 00:24:14,191 after the expiration date 530 00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:16,846 but if you're lucky, they might still be good. 531 00:24:17,456 --> 00:24:19,066 She's the same way. 532 00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:22,548 She's a little older, but I bet she's a good woman. 533 00:24:25,725 --> 00:24:31,295 Okay, now, what can you deduce from Erica's breasts? 534 00:24:32,296 --> 00:24:34,081 -[sighs] -[heavenly music] 535 00:24:34,255 --> 00:24:36,779 [Peter] I've done a lot of thinking about this. 536 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,869 As you can see, her breasts are extremely firm, 537 00:24:40,043 --> 00:24:42,045 so taut you expect the nipples 538 00:24:42,219 --> 00:24:45,048 to blow off like a cork out of a champagne bottle. 539 00:24:46,093 --> 00:24:52,839 I see this as a reflection of Erica's effervescent, wild, life-is-a-party personality. 540 00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:56,059 It's also self-evident that her breasts are on the small side. 541 00:24:56,233 --> 00:24:59,323 I suspect it's going to take centuries for them to droop 542 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:03,023 meaning that she'll always be young at heart. 543 00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:05,721 But here's something that you may miss 544 00:25:05,895 --> 00:25:07,549 upon a cursory glance. 545 00:25:08,463 --> 00:25:13,250 Some women's nipples can become hard like pink pencil erasers. 546 00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:15,731 So hard that you could dial the phone with them, you know? 547 00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:20,475 These women, I suspect are often more concerned with the particulars in life 548 00:25:20,649 --> 00:25:23,260 like avoiding laying in the wet spot. 549 00:25:23,739 --> 00:25:24,871 But with Erica, 550 00:25:26,350 --> 00:25:32,618 notice how the nipple merges almost effortlessly 551 00:25:33,270 --> 00:25:34,620 with the areola... 552 00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:38,885 ...bringing a softness to her nippular area. 553 00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:42,279 I think this suggests a softness of heart. 554 00:25:43,411 --> 00:25:45,892 I mean, this is a girl more concerned 555 00:25:46,066 --> 00:25:49,460 with passion than particulars. 556 00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:54,291 Am I right? 557 00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,773 Matt? 558 00:25:57,947 --> 00:26:01,211 Um, Pete, I got to go. 559 00:26:01,385 --> 00:26:03,910 Uh, there's something I got to do at home. 560 00:26:04,084 --> 00:26:05,564 -See ya. -[chuckles] 561 00:26:05,738 --> 00:26:06,695 [dog barks] 562 00:26:12,701 --> 00:26:14,007 [door creaks open, closes] 563 00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:17,140 [Peter] I'm really hungry. 564 00:26:17,967 --> 00:26:19,839 Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry. 565 00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:23,059 The only thing I'd eaten that day was Matt's watermelon. 566 00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:25,888 -I hadn't eaten all of it for obvious reasons... -[door opens] 567 00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:29,152 ....so I was pretty hungry by the time Nonno snuck out of the house. 568 00:26:29,326 --> 00:26:31,981 [whimsical music] 569 00:26:37,683 --> 00:26:39,815 [dramatic music] 570 00:26:40,555 --> 00:26:41,512 Get down. 571 00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:54,743 Nonno, what are you doing out here? 572 00:27:02,098 --> 00:27:03,012 Goal! 573 00:27:03,186 --> 00:27:04,448 Goal! 574 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,015 Goal! 575 00:27:06,189 --> 00:27:08,452 -Goal! -Okay. Okay. 576 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:09,671 -Goal! -Okay, okay. 577 00:27:09,845 --> 00:27:11,064 Marge, your dad thinks 578 00:27:11,238 --> 00:27:12,718 he's in the world cup again. 579 00:27:21,596 --> 00:27:22,728 I'm not cool enough. 580 00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:24,512 She's never going to fall for me. 581 00:27:25,165 --> 00:27:27,646 Standing out here doesn't make any sense, Nonno. 582 00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:30,170 It makes all the sense in the world. 583 00:27:30,344 --> 00:27:33,739 You are trying to make love to a woman. 584 00:27:34,609 --> 00:27:37,656 You must know deep in your heart of hearts 585 00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:40,310 that people are supposed to make love. 586 00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:43,313 It is our main purpose in life. 587 00:27:43,487 --> 00:27:46,839 All those other activities, uh, playing the violin 588 00:27:47,013 --> 00:27:51,104 washing dishes, reading novels, drinking wine 589 00:27:51,278 --> 00:27:56,979 are just ways of passing time until you can make love again. 590 00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:00,026 Then my whole life is passing time. 591 00:28:00,983 --> 00:28:02,332 This is never going to work. 592 00:28:02,506 --> 00:28:04,247 [Nonno] This bellaErica, 593 00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:06,206 she will fall for you. 594 00:28:06,380 --> 00:28:07,642 Impossible. 595 00:28:07,816 --> 00:28:09,035 [chuckles] 596 00:28:09,209 --> 00:28:10,819 Crazier things have happened. 597 00:28:10,993 --> 00:28:13,387 -Let me tell you another story. -Oh, great. 598 00:28:13,561 --> 00:28:16,259 Look at all the trouble your last one got me into, Nonno. 599 00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,045 It is about a young navy pilot. 600 00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:23,397 He could perform incredible maneuvers in his plane. 601 00:28:23,571 --> 00:28:25,834 [imitates engine] 602 00:28:26,008 --> 00:28:28,054 Then one day, he nearly crashed. 603 00:28:28,750 --> 00:28:32,711 The pilot went to the doctors and declared his problem... 604 00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,365 ...hemorrhoids, 605 00:28:35,539 --> 00:28:38,673 a mass of dilated veins in the rectum. 606 00:28:39,152 --> 00:28:40,544 The doctor had them removed. 607 00:28:41,110 --> 00:28:42,982 What's so romantic about this story? 608 00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:45,724 The pilot met this nurse. 609 00:28:45,898 --> 00:28:48,030 Twice a day, she would change his dressings 610 00:28:48,204 --> 00:28:51,642 and apply ointment to his traumatized sphincter. 611 00:28:52,426 --> 00:28:54,123 The two got to talking. 612 00:28:54,297 --> 00:28:56,822 The nurse fell for the young pilot. 613 00:28:57,561 --> 00:29:01,827 Now, if that isn't love I don't know what is. [chuckles] 614 00:29:02,001 --> 00:29:04,177 After two weeks, the couple got married. 615 00:29:05,047 --> 00:29:08,224 And if it wasn't for a swelling anus 616 00:29:08,398 --> 00:29:10,879 the two would never have met. 617 00:29:11,837 --> 00:29:14,622 Now, I don't believe anyof your stories. 618 00:29:22,151 --> 00:29:23,196 [zipper unzipping] 619 00:29:27,635 --> 00:29:28,636 [zipper unzipping] 620 00:29:32,031 --> 00:29:33,119 [Nonno] It's all true. 621 00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:35,861 Ask your mom and dad. 622 00:29:37,079 --> 00:29:39,821 -That was Mom and Dad? -Yep. 623 00:29:39,995 --> 00:29:42,302 [rock music] 624 00:29:53,879 --> 00:29:56,490 ♪ They laugh at me aloud they say I'm just a clown ♪ 625 00:29:56,664 --> 00:29:58,274 ♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪ 626 00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:00,276 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 627 00:30:01,103 --> 00:30:02,539 ♪ The girls look really cute ♪ 628 00:30:02,713 --> 00:30:04,019 ♪ They really make it work ♪ 629 00:30:04,193 --> 00:30:05,673 ♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪ 630 00:30:05,847 --> 00:30:07,153 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 631 00:30:08,415 --> 00:30:09,764 ♪ I never could sit still ♪ 632 00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:11,374 ♪ I never was too hip ♪ 633 00:30:11,548 --> 00:30:13,028 ♪ I never caught the ride ♪ 634 00:30:13,202 --> 00:30:14,769 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 635 00:30:14,943 --> 00:30:16,205 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 636 00:30:16,379 --> 00:30:18,599 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 637 00:30:18,773 --> 00:30:21,776 ♪ This is where it all begins ♪ 638 00:30:21,950 --> 00:30:24,605 ♪ I'm on the outside lookin' in ♪ 639 00:30:24,779 --> 00:30:26,215 ♪ Lookin' in ♪ 640 00:30:26,389 --> 00:30:28,043 ♪ At you ♪ 641 00:30:28,217 --> 00:30:30,959 ♪ I'm just an alien through and through ♪ 642 00:30:31,133 --> 00:30:34,093 ♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you, oh ♪ 643 00:30:34,267 --> 00:30:35,529 ♪ Tryin' to fit ♪ 644 00:30:36,573 --> 00:30:42,101 ♪ Just a stranger on the outside lookin' in ♪ 645 00:30:44,407 --> 00:30:46,366 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 646 00:30:47,236 --> 00:30:49,673 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 647 00:30:55,505 --> 00:30:59,161 [Peter] My massive manhood must have been sapping all the blood from my brain. 648 00:30:59,335 --> 00:31:01,642 That's the only way I could explain my acceptance 649 00:31:01,816 --> 00:31:03,557 of this retarded, quixotic quest. 650 00:31:03,731 --> 00:31:05,864 Hours passed into days. 651 00:31:06,342 --> 00:31:09,258 -[grunts] -Nick and I got to know each other better. 652 00:31:09,432 --> 00:31:10,651 [laughs] 653 00:31:10,825 --> 00:31:12,261 [hawking] 654 00:31:12,435 --> 00:31:14,046 [Peter] I had time on my hands. 655 00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,570 I read the entireKinsey Reports 656 00:31:16,744 --> 00:31:18,964 and found out that ten percent of all males 657 00:31:19,138 --> 00:31:20,748 attempt self-fellatio 658 00:31:20,922 --> 00:31:23,838 and that point 3% actually succeed. 659 00:31:25,971 --> 00:31:28,799 I had plenty of opportunity to watch the TV of life. 660 00:31:28,974 --> 00:31:31,063 [rock music] 661 00:31:33,239 --> 00:31:35,328 [laughs] 662 00:31:36,807 --> 00:31:39,767 All summer, I never saw Erica wear the same thing twice. 663 00:31:40,768 --> 00:31:42,509 ♪ ...my tongue is hanging out ♪ 664 00:31:42,683 --> 00:31:44,424 ♪ For your love ♪ 665 00:31:44,598 --> 00:31:46,556 ♪ Don't leave me hanging out ♪ 666 00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:48,515 ♪ For your love ♪ 667 00:31:48,689 --> 00:31:50,604 ♪ I'm just hanging out ♪ 668 00:31:50,778 --> 00:31:52,519 ♪ For your love ♪ 669 00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:55,261 -[groans] -[Peter] And for Erica's sister, 670 00:31:55,435 --> 00:31:56,871 Halloween came early. 671 00:31:57,045 --> 00:31:59,221 -Now say 20 hail Marys. -Hail Mary, hail Mary... 672 00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:00,875 [Peter] My dad couldn't figure out 673 00:32:01,049 --> 00:32:02,964 why his new guinea impatiens wouldn't grow. 674 00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:04,574 -Neither could I. -[chuckles] 675 00:32:04,748 --> 00:32:06,925 I had been watering it regularly. 676 00:32:08,187 --> 00:32:10,450 -♪ I've been... ♪ -And surprisingly enough, 677 00:32:10,624 --> 00:32:12,452 I earned some extra money on the side. 678 00:32:12,626 --> 00:32:14,236 Since I know that you're going to be here all the time 679 00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:16,673 I thought maybe you could baby-sit Robert tonight. 680 00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:20,068 [Peter] Hey lady, did you ever think that tonight might be the night 681 00:32:20,242 --> 00:32:23,158 that Erica and I tried the wailing monkey clasping a tree act? 682 00:32:23,811 --> 00:32:26,814 Erica's father took a sculpting class that summer. 683 00:32:26,988 --> 00:32:27,858 What is it? 684 00:32:28,468 --> 00:32:29,512 It's baby Jesus. 685 00:32:30,426 --> 00:32:31,862 I figured I'd get a little head start 686 00:32:32,037 --> 00:32:34,387 on our nativity scene for next Christmas. 687 00:32:34,561 --> 00:32:37,651 Little Jesus looked more like an aborted fetus 688 00:32:37,825 --> 00:32:39,087 but I kept my mouth shut. 689 00:32:39,653 --> 00:32:40,959 -[Robert] Give me my plane. -[boy] No! 690 00:32:41,133 --> 00:32:42,699 -[cross-talk] -Give me it. 691 00:32:42,873 --> 00:32:44,353 [Peter] I took a liking to young Robert. 692 00:32:44,527 --> 00:32:45,702 My plane! 693 00:32:47,139 --> 00:32:48,792 [Peter] I was his guardian angel. 694 00:32:50,446 --> 00:32:52,100 Sort of. 695 00:32:52,796 --> 00:32:56,235 Next time this guy bothers you all you have to do is stand up to him. 696 00:32:56,409 --> 00:32:58,454 All bullies are cowards. 697 00:32:59,368 --> 00:33:00,456 Trust me. 698 00:33:01,501 --> 00:33:03,590 Days soon passed into weeks. 699 00:33:04,156 --> 00:33:07,072 The guy across the street stopped taking his wife out. 700 00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:09,683 Now he just walks around the block alone. 701 00:33:10,466 --> 00:33:11,815 I hope she's all right. 702 00:33:12,947 --> 00:33:15,863 On Saturdays, things got a little boring. 703 00:33:16,037 --> 00:33:20,781 "What is the sea of galilee called in the old testament?" 704 00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:22,391 That's an easy one. 705 00:33:22,565 --> 00:33:24,263 -The Sea of Kinnereth. -Oh... 706 00:33:24,437 --> 00:33:25,655 [chuckles] My turn. 707 00:33:27,527 --> 00:33:29,529 "Was there any money on Noah's ark?" 708 00:33:30,269 --> 00:33:31,835 -No. -[Erica's dad] Wrong. 709 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,621 The duck had a bill, the skunk had a scent 710 00:33:34,795 --> 00:33:36,318 and the frog had a green back. 711 00:33:36,492 --> 00:33:38,929 [all laughing] 712 00:33:39,104 --> 00:33:40,409 [Peter] Listening to Erica's parents 713 00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:41,671 play biblical pursuit 714 00:33:41,845 --> 00:33:43,586 only strengthened my resolve 715 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,415 to find a way to piss them off and impress my beloved. 716 00:33:46,589 --> 00:33:48,417 I had Giuseppe working on it. 717 00:33:48,591 --> 00:33:50,289 [TV host] Now pull, and pull. 718 00:33:50,463 --> 00:33:52,421 [Peter] Some nights were better than others. 719 00:33:52,595 --> 00:33:54,641 [TV host] Let's get it. Last time. 720 00:33:54,815 --> 00:33:58,906 All right, ladies. Great workout. Okay, great. 721 00:34:10,091 --> 00:34:14,008 But twice a month, I would hear the most distressing sound I could hear... 722 00:34:14,182 --> 00:34:16,750 [man grunting loudly] 723 00:34:16,924 --> 00:34:20,232 The noise of my parents... [whispers] making love. 724 00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:23,191 What's up, Pete? 725 00:34:24,105 --> 00:34:25,106 [grunts] 726 00:34:26,847 --> 00:34:29,415 Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet? 727 00:34:29,589 --> 00:34:30,416 Nope. 728 00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:34,420 -The guy across the street has found... -I have to do it. 729 00:34:34,594 --> 00:34:36,857 -...a lady friend. -I'm warning you, don't do it. 730 00:34:37,031 --> 00:34:40,078 It wasn't until later that I began to have suspicions 731 00:34:40,252 --> 00:34:42,384 as to what the woman was imploring him 732 00:34:42,558 --> 00:34:44,082 not to do. 733 00:34:44,256 --> 00:34:46,475 "Captain nemo walked ahead of us 734 00:34:46,649 --> 00:34:49,391 and his herculean companion strode a few steps behind us. 735 00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,698 Conseil and I walked side by side 736 00:34:51,872 --> 00:34:54,004 as if a conversation might still be possible 737 00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:55,745 through our metallic helmets." 738 00:35:02,970 --> 00:35:05,015 "Already, I no longer felt the weight of my suit 739 00:35:05,190 --> 00:35:06,408 of my lead-soled boots 740 00:35:06,582 --> 00:35:08,018 of my air tanker, of my helmet." 741 00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:09,803 More than half the summer had passed 742 00:35:09,977 --> 00:35:12,414 and everything still sucked the big one. 743 00:35:12,588 --> 00:35:15,548 I was nowhere near my beloved objective. 744 00:35:15,722 --> 00:35:18,116 -[panting] -Finally, in august, 745 00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:20,161 Erica spoke to me. 746 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:21,641 Peter? 747 00:35:30,432 --> 00:35:31,390 Erica. 748 00:35:32,652 --> 00:35:33,783 Hi. 749 00:35:34,871 --> 00:35:38,962 I was wondering if maybe you could help me do something? 750 00:35:39,137 --> 00:35:40,312 Anything. 751 00:35:40,486 --> 00:35:42,575 Well, see my parents have grounded me 752 00:35:42,749 --> 00:35:45,230 and I really want to go see Nick tonight. 753 00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:48,450 So, I was hoping you might help me get down. 754 00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,062 Okay. 755 00:35:52,628 --> 00:35:54,064 It was against my principles 756 00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:55,370 to help Erica with Nick 757 00:35:55,544 --> 00:35:56,676 but this was at least a way 758 00:35:56,850 --> 00:35:58,025 to talk to her. 759 00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,461 And in that short skirt 760 00:36:00,245 --> 00:36:03,248 -I caught my first glimpse of Xanadu. -[gasping] 761 00:36:04,988 --> 00:36:06,251 Oh... [screams] 762 00:36:06,425 --> 00:36:07,643 [Peter grunts] 763 00:36:07,817 --> 00:36:08,949 [Erica] My God, are you all right? 764 00:36:10,603 --> 00:36:12,300 I'm... I'm fine. 765 00:36:12,474 --> 00:36:14,520 "Never better" was more like it. 766 00:36:14,694 --> 00:36:17,000 -And that's how Erica and I began talking. -I'm so sorry. 767 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,526 Every night, she would sneak out to visit Nick and I would help her. 768 00:36:20,700 --> 00:36:22,397 And every night I would find a new way 769 00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:24,965 -for Erica to fall on me. -[laughs] 770 00:36:29,274 --> 00:36:30,797 Pussy galore, she was like... 771 00:36:30,971 --> 00:36:31,928 [Peter] And we talked. 772 00:36:32,102 --> 00:36:33,103 She was like this tough chick. 773 00:36:33,278 --> 00:36:34,714 And there is no doubt about it, 774 00:36:34,888 --> 00:36:37,934 Roger Moore is by far the best James Bond. 775 00:36:38,108 --> 00:36:39,588 [Peter] Roger Moore? 776 00:36:39,762 --> 00:36:41,460 Come on. 777 00:36:41,634 --> 00:36:43,940 Everybody knows Sean Connery is the best James Bond. 778 00:36:44,114 --> 00:36:45,986 Yeah. Yeah, you're right. 779 00:36:46,682 --> 00:36:48,554 Uh, Roger Moore is the best James Bond. 780 00:36:48,728 --> 00:36:51,209 My God, what was I saying? 781 00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:54,386 Erica's beauty had more power over me than I thought. 782 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:59,129 I mean, for me Sean Connery is just way too hairy. 783 00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:02,132 And it really bugs me the way... 784 00:37:02,307 --> 00:37:04,222 [with a Scottish brogue] ...he talks like this. 785 00:37:04,396 --> 00:37:06,789 Where's "M," miss Moneypenny? 786 00:37:07,616 --> 00:37:11,664 Thank God they never replaced Desmond Llewelyn. He is so great as "Q." 787 00:37:11,838 --> 00:37:15,711 [Peter] Wow. Erica even knew that Desmond Llewelyn played "Q." 788 00:37:15,885 --> 00:37:17,191 Now I know I'm in love. 789 00:37:18,018 --> 00:37:21,456 This may sound crazy, but sometimes when I'm depressed 790 00:37:21,630 --> 00:37:23,850 that the world is a really terrible place 791 00:37:24,024 --> 00:37:27,462 I find myself sympathizing with the Bond villains. 792 00:37:27,636 --> 00:37:29,508 -What do you mean? -Well, 793 00:37:30,073 --> 00:37:31,945 remember how Curt Jurgens in The Spy Who Loved Me 794 00:37:32,119 --> 00:37:34,382 wanted to create a perfect society under the sea 795 00:37:35,209 --> 00:37:38,430 and in MoonrakerHugo Drax wanted to do the same in space? 796 00:37:38,604 --> 00:37:41,259 -Right. -These guys really weren't so bad. 797 00:37:41,868 --> 00:37:44,436 They were just tired of the war, the politics, pollution 798 00:37:44,610 --> 00:37:46,873 and, and wanted to change things. 799 00:37:47,482 --> 00:37:50,137 Then this handsome womanizer who's afraid of commitment 800 00:37:50,311 --> 00:37:52,008 pulls up in his fancy sports car 801 00:37:52,182 --> 00:37:56,012 and messes things up just to protect the status quo. 802 00:37:57,144 --> 00:38:01,931 I mean, sometimes I wish the world could just start over, you know? 803 00:38:03,237 --> 00:38:05,500 Wow. That's deep. 804 00:38:06,327 --> 00:38:09,243 [Peter] ...nah, I think the blue M&Ms. They were a good choice. 805 00:38:09,417 --> 00:38:12,464 -[laughs] No way. -[Peter] I talked to her more in those few weeks 806 00:38:12,638 --> 00:38:15,728 than I did the previous 14 years I lived across the street from her. 807 00:38:15,902 --> 00:38:18,165 So, if you were to be afflicted with either of the following 808 00:38:18,339 --> 00:38:19,688 which would it be? 809 00:38:19,862 --> 00:38:22,430 -Halitosis or incontinence? -[chuckles] 810 00:38:24,084 --> 00:38:28,306 Halitosis. I figure I could always stock up on breath mints. 811 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,656 [laughs] Okay, I have one for you. 812 00:38:31,221 --> 00:38:36,662 Would rather lose your eyesight or the use of both of your legs? 813 00:38:37,271 --> 00:38:39,752 -That's too hard. -No, come on. You have to answer. 814 00:38:39,926 --> 00:38:41,101 Those are the rules. 815 00:38:41,971 --> 00:38:44,713 Probably, I'd lose my eyesight. 816 00:38:45,714 --> 00:38:47,499 Your face is etched into my memory. 817 00:38:48,413 --> 00:38:49,892 I'd always be able to see you 818 00:38:50,066 --> 00:38:52,547 and with my legs, 819 00:38:53,113 --> 00:38:54,680 I could still make love to you. 820 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:56,856 [laughs] 821 00:38:57,030 --> 00:38:59,511 [soft pop music] 822 00:38:59,685 --> 00:39:01,208 Good night, Peter. 823 00:39:02,644 --> 00:39:03,906 Bye. 824 00:39:12,654 --> 00:39:14,656 [sensual music] 825 00:39:47,776 --> 00:39:49,082 [zipper unzipping] 826 00:40:01,529 --> 00:40:02,835 [gasps] 827 00:40:03,923 --> 00:40:05,054 [grunts softly] 828 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:08,580 [dog barks] 829 00:40:10,669 --> 00:40:11,496 Hey. 830 00:40:13,759 --> 00:40:14,760 What's up? 831 00:40:16,022 --> 00:40:17,676 All right, you promise you're not going to laugh? 832 00:40:19,242 --> 00:40:20,200 Sure. 833 00:40:24,726 --> 00:40:26,119 [chuckling] 834 00:40:26,293 --> 00:40:27,599 Come on, man. You said you wouldn't laugh. 835 00:40:27,773 --> 00:40:28,774 I'm sorry. 836 00:40:30,906 --> 00:40:32,386 -Can I feel? -Get off. 837 00:40:33,996 --> 00:40:35,607 Look, I was trying to spice up my love life, right, 838 00:40:35,781 --> 00:40:38,348 and my parents came home a little bit early. 839 00:40:38,523 --> 00:40:39,698 They wanted to talk to me about something 840 00:40:39,872 --> 00:40:41,047 and ended up searching all over for me. 841 00:40:41,221 --> 00:40:42,527 So I figured the best thing to do 842 00:40:42,701 --> 00:40:44,180 was just get out of the house. 843 00:40:45,617 --> 00:40:47,793 Here, unhook me. 844 00:40:48,924 --> 00:40:50,404 Wow, you know, I don't know how girls do this 845 00:40:50,578 --> 00:40:52,232 because this thing was a bitch to get on. 846 00:40:53,538 --> 00:40:54,364 Come on. 847 00:40:55,235 --> 00:40:56,366 Yeah, it's a bitch. 848 00:40:57,324 --> 00:41:00,196 Here, can you hang on to it 'til I can sneak it back it in? 849 00:41:00,370 --> 00:41:02,155 And stop smirking. 850 00:41:02,329 --> 00:41:04,244 I'm not the first guy that's tried this. 851 00:41:06,115 --> 00:41:08,204 What does that Kinsey book say about it? 852 00:41:11,730 --> 00:41:14,472 I think maybe you should give it a rest for a while. 853 00:41:15,255 --> 00:41:16,996 You know, save some for your true love. 854 00:41:19,128 --> 00:41:22,436 Peter, remember that story we read in seventh grade? 855 00:41:22,610 --> 00:41:24,046 The one in scholastic magazine 856 00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,527 about the heroin addict who was so whacked out 857 00:41:26,701 --> 00:41:28,355 that he pulled out his eyeballs? 858 00:41:29,051 --> 00:41:31,750 They said that the dude's eyeballs was like hanging down below his knees 859 00:41:31,924 --> 00:41:34,709 -still attached to his veins or something like that? Yeah. -Yeah, I remember. 860 00:41:34,883 --> 00:41:36,232 It wasn't true. 861 00:41:36,842 --> 00:41:38,670 They just printed that to scare us. 862 00:41:39,235 --> 00:41:41,934 Look, it's all propaganda, Pete. 863 00:41:42,108 --> 00:41:43,631 Just like true love is. 864 00:41:44,197 --> 00:41:47,722 You know what? You and me ain't never going to find it. 865 00:41:51,030 --> 00:41:54,163 Whoa! Did you see that point 3% of all males 866 00:41:54,337 --> 00:41:56,078 succeed in self-fellatio? 867 00:41:56,252 --> 00:41:57,819 Have you noticed that the guy across the street 868 00:41:57,993 --> 00:42:00,082 -never takes his wife out anymore? -No. 869 00:42:02,041 --> 00:42:03,564 Anything come in the mail for me yet? 870 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,001 You remember that weird conversation 871 00:42:06,175 --> 00:42:08,526 we saw him having the other day with that woman? 872 00:42:08,700 --> 00:42:11,746 And she was saying... [whispers] "Don't do it, don't do it." 873 00:42:12,704 --> 00:42:14,183 [Matt] Yeah. 874 00:42:14,357 --> 00:42:17,752 Hey, maybe the other woman is his lover, right? 875 00:42:18,231 --> 00:42:20,407 And he says, "I'm going to kill my wife." 876 00:42:20,581 --> 00:42:24,019 And she says... [with high-pitched voice] "No, don't do it, don't do it." 877 00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:25,194 You think? 878 00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,850 Well, I know if my wife were an invalid, I'd be that horny. 879 00:42:29,895 --> 00:42:31,070 You're sick. 880 00:42:32,114 --> 00:42:33,681 Come on, Pete. Everybody is. 881 00:42:34,508 --> 00:42:35,901 The question is... 882 00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,992 ...what's he done with her body? 883 00:42:40,949 --> 00:42:42,472 [laughs] 884 00:42:44,910 --> 00:42:48,043 [hacksaw sawing] 885 00:42:48,957 --> 00:42:50,829 How exactly would you go about 886 00:42:51,873 --> 00:42:53,571 cutting up a dead body? 887 00:42:55,529 --> 00:42:56,661 Well, that's a hacksaw. 888 00:42:58,227 --> 00:42:59,489 Me... 889 00:43:00,447 --> 00:43:01,970 I'd use a chain saw. 890 00:43:02,144 --> 00:43:03,885 [imitating chain saw] 891 00:43:06,453 --> 00:43:08,281 [dramatic music] 892 00:43:21,381 --> 00:43:22,730 [Peter] The next day, little Robert decided 893 00:43:22,904 --> 00:43:23,992 to take my advice and stand up 894 00:43:24,166 --> 00:43:25,820 to the tyranny of assholes. 895 00:43:25,994 --> 00:43:27,909 [rock music] 896 00:43:33,959 --> 00:43:35,264 -[grunts] -[groans] 897 00:43:35,743 --> 00:43:38,616 -[laughing] -[yelling] 898 00:43:38,790 --> 00:43:41,009 -[crash] -[Robert crying] 899 00:43:41,183 --> 00:43:42,881 [Peter] Little Robert was all right. 900 00:43:43,055 --> 00:43:45,927 He only needed 40 stitches and two casts. 901 00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:48,669 But I began to wonder whether or not I should have tried tampering 902 00:43:48,843 --> 00:43:50,715 with the cosmic order of things. 903 00:43:51,933 --> 00:43:55,154 I was practicing my one-handed technique when disaster struck. 904 00:43:55,328 --> 00:43:57,025 [tires squealing] 905 00:43:57,199 --> 00:43:59,506 Nick and Erica had just come back from the lake. 906 00:44:00,246 --> 00:44:03,336 Unfortunately, Erica's parents let her out once in a while. 907 00:44:06,295 --> 00:44:08,602 No, come on. You remember in that one movie. 908 00:44:08,776 --> 00:44:11,039 I mean, that just proves that Roger Moore 909 00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:13,128 is by far the best James Bond. 910 00:44:13,302 --> 00:44:15,609 Erica looked great, of course. 911 00:44:16,131 --> 00:44:18,481 He's all right. I, I agree he's not bad. 912 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:22,572 But I nearly hurled at the sight of Nick in his speedo. 913 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:28,535 He washuge. It immediately makes you think of the words "Apollo Rocket." 914 00:44:28,709 --> 00:44:30,798 How the hell was I going to compete with that? 915 00:44:30,972 --> 00:44:34,802 I was India's space program compared to his Cape Kennedy. 916 00:44:35,716 --> 00:44:38,806 Hey, you brought the protection, right? 917 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,288 The protection? Where were her parents? 918 00:44:42,462 --> 00:44:44,682 Where was Christ's vice squad when I needed them most? 919 00:44:44,856 --> 00:44:45,944 [man] Come in, apollo 12. 920 00:44:46,118 --> 00:44:47,772 We have you cleared for takeoff. 921 00:44:47,946 --> 00:44:49,164 [man 2] Roger that, mission control. 922 00:44:49,338 --> 00:44:50,557 We are ready for liftoff. 923 00:44:52,559 --> 00:44:55,257 We have liftoff in ten... nine... 924 00:44:55,431 --> 00:44:56,824 -eight... seven... -[Peter] I had to do something. 925 00:44:56,998 --> 00:44:59,566 I had to abort Nick's trip to Venus. 926 00:44:59,740 --> 00:45:03,178 -I did the only thing I could think of. -[man 2] ...two, one... 927 00:45:03,352 --> 00:45:07,530 ♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪ 928 00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:11,360 ♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪ 929 00:45:11,534 --> 00:45:15,147 ♪ O come ye, o come ye ♪ 930 00:45:15,321 --> 00:45:17,062 -♪ To Bethlehem... ♪ -I don't know why this came to me. 931 00:45:17,236 --> 00:45:19,455 It must have been a word association with "come." 932 00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:23,329 ♪ Come and behold him ♪ 933 00:45:23,503 --> 00:45:26,680 ♪ He, the king of Israel ♪ 934 00:45:26,854 --> 00:45:30,162 ♪ O, come let us adore him ♪ 935 00:45:30,336 --> 00:45:33,469 ♪ O, come let us adore him ♪ 936 00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:39,954 ♪ O, come let us adore him ♪ 937 00:45:40,128 --> 00:45:46,352 ♪ Christ the lord ♪ 938 00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:48,136 It seemed to do the trick. 939 00:45:48,310 --> 00:45:50,182 [Erica] Nick, stop. 940 00:45:50,356 --> 00:45:52,706 [man] Apollo 12, we've had a malfunction. 941 00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:53,925 Abort liftoff. 942 00:45:55,448 --> 00:45:56,841 -[grunts] -I had visions that I could 943 00:45:57,015 --> 00:45:58,973 take Nick out with my expert knowledge 944 00:45:59,147 --> 00:46:00,279 of the martial arts. 945 00:46:00,453 --> 00:46:01,410 [high-pitched scream] 946 00:46:05,197 --> 00:46:06,241 Finish him. 947 00:46:07,155 --> 00:46:08,722 But that's not what happened. 948 00:46:10,506 --> 00:46:13,727 Towering above me Nick hawked the biggest loogie ever. 949 00:46:13,901 --> 00:46:16,556 I trembled, knowing it was intended for me. 950 00:46:19,907 --> 00:46:21,387 Oh, my God. 951 00:46:23,084 --> 00:46:24,129 You stuff. 952 00:46:24,999 --> 00:46:26,914 [laughs] You stuff! 953 00:46:35,227 --> 00:46:36,794 If you tell anybody, you're dead. 954 00:46:42,756 --> 00:46:45,803 [laughs] 955 00:46:47,195 --> 00:46:50,155 [man] Houston, we have liftoff. 956 00:46:50,329 --> 00:46:51,896 [dramatic music] 957 00:46:55,769 --> 00:46:57,902 [people chattering] 958 00:47:11,916 --> 00:47:13,221 Dad, what are you doing? 959 00:47:13,395 --> 00:47:14,875 Having a yard sale. 960 00:47:15,049 --> 00:47:16,877 -This is my stuff. -Well, since you don't live 961 00:47:17,051 --> 00:47:18,661 with us anymore, didn't figure you needed it. 962 00:47:18,836 --> 00:47:21,273 Hey, hey, how much for the Sandy Koufax baseball card? 963 00:47:21,447 --> 00:47:22,709 Uh, what... 25 cents? 964 00:47:22,883 --> 00:47:24,102 That's a collector's edition. 965 00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,277 It's worth 50 bucks. 966 00:47:25,451 --> 00:47:26,495 Really? 967 00:47:26,669 --> 00:47:28,280 25 cents, not a cent less. 968 00:47:28,454 --> 00:47:30,064 [chuckles] Sold. 969 00:47:34,634 --> 00:47:35,765 Mom... 970 00:47:37,158 --> 00:47:39,160 Oh, how much for the electric toothbrush? 971 00:47:39,334 --> 00:47:41,075 For you a special price, 972 00:47:41,249 --> 00:47:42,903 -a buck. -Yeah. 973 00:47:43,817 --> 00:47:45,166 -There you go. -Thank you. 974 00:47:46,733 --> 00:47:47,995 Matt, what are you doing? 975 00:47:48,169 --> 00:47:49,431 I use one of these at my grandma's. 976 00:47:49,605 --> 00:47:50,563 If you do it right 977 00:47:50,737 --> 00:47:52,695 it feels just like a vibrator. 978 00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:54,741 [speaks in Italian] What the hell are you doing 979 00:47:54,915 --> 00:47:57,135 -with your boy's things? -[Peter's dad] They're not his things. 980 00:47:57,309 --> 00:47:59,180 I'll give you five bucks for this collection of Playpens. 981 00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,791 -[stutters] I'll give you six. -You're not a customer. 982 00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:04,359 -And you have no right to sell Peter's things. -The pages are, like, sticky. 983 00:48:04,533 --> 00:48:05,970 -You have no right. -This is disgusting. 984 00:48:06,144 --> 00:48:07,101 -Okay, okay, four bucks. -No, you have no right. 985 00:48:07,275 --> 00:48:08,320 -Four bucks. -Four bucks? 986 00:48:08,494 --> 00:48:09,669 -I'll take it. -[Nonno] No, no. 987 00:48:09,843 --> 00:48:11,584 You have no right! You-- 988 00:48:11,758 --> 00:48:13,020 [gasping] 989 00:48:13,194 --> 00:48:13,978 Papa? 990 00:48:14,152 --> 00:48:15,327 Nonno? What's happening? 991 00:48:15,501 --> 00:48:16,937 -[grunts] -What's the matter? 992 00:48:17,111 --> 00:48:18,460 -Are you all right? -Papa! 993 00:48:18,634 --> 00:48:21,289 Okay, okay. Give the man some room. Come on. 994 00:48:21,463 --> 00:48:22,987 -[cross-talk] -[Peter] Good old Nonno. 995 00:48:23,161 --> 00:48:25,641 He saved the best trick in his arsenal for now. 996 00:48:25,815 --> 00:48:27,382 He was so convincing 997 00:48:27,556 --> 00:48:29,602 I almost believed he was having a heart attack. 998 00:48:29,776 --> 00:48:31,038 Yard sale's over. 999 00:48:31,212 --> 00:48:32,257 [Peter's mom] Papa, speak to me! 1000 00:48:32,431 --> 00:48:33,649 [whispering] Good one, Nonno. 1001 00:48:33,823 --> 00:48:34,737 [Peter's dad] Is anyone a doctor? 1002 00:48:35,434 --> 00:48:37,697 Please, we need some help here. 1003 00:48:43,746 --> 00:48:45,661 -[Peter's mom] What's happening here? -[Peter's dad] I don't know... 1004 00:48:45,835 --> 00:48:48,447 What is wrong? Daddy? 1005 00:48:48,621 --> 00:48:50,579 -He's not breathing. -What do you mean he's not breathing? 1006 00:48:50,753 --> 00:48:52,451 He doesn't have a pulse. Somebody call 911! 1007 00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:55,019 -Somebody call 911! -Please call 911! 1008 00:48:55,193 --> 00:48:56,934 -Nonno. -[Peter's dad] Do it now! 1009 00:48:57,108 --> 00:48:58,109 -Hurry! Hurry! -[Peter's mom] Oh, God. Oh, no, no. 1010 00:48:58,283 --> 00:49:00,372 -[crying] -Nonno? 1011 00:49:00,546 --> 00:49:02,330 Tell them you're faking. Come on. 1012 00:49:02,504 --> 00:49:03,984 -Come on, Nonno. -Are you faking, Daddy? He's not faking. 1013 00:49:04,158 --> 00:49:05,464 He's not faking. 1014 00:49:05,638 --> 00:49:07,466 Papa? Papa, speak to me. 1015 00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:09,120 [sobbing] 1016 00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:10,599 Oh, no! 1017 00:49:10,773 --> 00:49:13,646 [crying] 1018 00:49:20,261 --> 00:49:21,871 [Peter] I didn't stand under Erica's window 1019 00:49:22,046 --> 00:49:23,743 for the next couple of days. 1020 00:49:23,917 --> 00:49:25,788 I figured I was allowed. 1021 00:49:25,963 --> 00:49:27,877 My Dad blamed me for what happened. 1022 00:49:28,574 --> 00:49:31,533 He said if I still decided to continue with my lunacy 1023 00:49:31,707 --> 00:49:33,361 he would continue to lock me out. 1024 00:49:34,014 --> 00:49:35,973 With an asshole like my Dad I'm surprised 1025 00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:38,801 -that I didn't inherit the asshole gene. -[Erica] Peter... 1026 00:49:51,553 --> 00:49:53,599 Is that what I think it is? 1027 00:49:56,645 --> 00:49:59,083 Jesus. I'm getting excited 1028 00:49:59,257 --> 00:50:01,650 right after my grandfather's own funeral. 1029 00:50:02,782 --> 00:50:04,349 You must think I'm sick. 1030 00:50:07,743 --> 00:50:12,009 I just think it means Nonno's spirit runs strong in you. 1031 00:50:13,532 --> 00:50:15,751 [romantic music] 1032 00:50:18,754 --> 00:50:20,452 [kids screaming] 1033 00:50:24,456 --> 00:50:27,241 Hey, brought back your electric toothbrush. 1034 00:50:31,724 --> 00:50:35,815 -How thoughtful. -You know, it doesn't vibrate as good as I thought it would. 1035 00:50:35,989 --> 00:50:37,904 -Here, feel. -No. I'm not touching that 1036 00:50:38,078 --> 00:50:39,819 let alone putting it in my mouth. 1037 00:50:40,646 --> 00:50:43,518 -I washed it off, I swear. -Just keep it. 1038 00:50:44,737 --> 00:50:47,305 You're just in a crappy mood 'cause you realize this Romeo act 1039 00:50:47,479 --> 00:50:48,915 is a dumb-ass idea. 1040 00:50:50,090 --> 00:50:52,049 I haven't decided whether to give this up yet. 1041 00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:54,051 Erica was so sweet today 1042 00:50:54,225 --> 00:50:56,749 you could have poured her over pancakes... 1043 00:50:58,359 --> 00:50:59,839 ...but she hasn't given me any indication 1044 00:51:00,013 --> 00:51:01,797 that I have a chance with her. 1045 00:51:01,971 --> 00:51:04,365 Well, I'll tell you, the fact that Nick's giving her 1046 00:51:04,539 --> 00:51:07,890 the old roto-rooter ain't a good sign. 1047 00:51:08,456 --> 00:51:11,155 Nonno was the only one who thought this was a good idea. 1048 00:51:12,678 --> 00:51:14,549 Maybe I should just bite the big one 1049 00:51:14,723 --> 00:51:16,160 and call it quits. 1050 00:51:17,378 --> 00:51:18,988 Bite away, my friend. 1051 00:51:19,598 --> 00:51:21,078 [kids screaming] 1052 00:51:21,252 --> 00:51:22,557 [dramatic music] 1053 00:51:26,692 --> 00:51:28,998 [yelling] 1054 00:51:34,526 --> 00:51:35,918 [groaning] 1055 00:51:36,615 --> 00:51:39,052 [children laughing] 1056 00:51:39,226 --> 00:51:42,273 You see? Nice guys don't always finish last. 1057 00:51:44,579 --> 00:51:46,364 You're not going to give up now, are you? 1058 00:51:47,278 --> 00:51:48,757 [cheering] 1059 00:51:49,410 --> 00:51:50,585 No. 1060 00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:52,152 Oh, man, your grandfather croaked 1061 00:51:52,326 --> 00:51:53,675 and it was your perfect out. 1062 00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:59,377 [Peter] I started reading Casanova. 1063 00:51:59,551 --> 00:52:02,380 I didn't know he got syphilis five times. 1064 00:52:02,554 --> 00:52:04,251 I should be so lucky. 1065 00:52:04,425 --> 00:52:05,905 All the excitement of the past days 1066 00:52:06,079 --> 00:52:07,559 has completely lobotomized me 1067 00:52:07,733 --> 00:52:09,082 to what was going on across the street 1068 00:52:09,256 --> 00:52:11,128 until I saw my man carry out 1069 00:52:11,302 --> 00:52:12,651 some suspicious bags 1070 00:52:12,825 --> 00:52:14,392 and put them in the trunk of his car. 1071 00:52:14,566 --> 00:52:16,394 [suspenseful music] 1072 00:52:22,748 --> 00:52:24,445 [engine starting] 1073 00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:39,721 A couple of nights later, I had an unexpected visitor. 1074 00:52:40,940 --> 00:52:42,898 It was Ms. Lewis, 1075 00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:45,205 the pretty divorcee from down the street. 1076 00:52:45,858 --> 00:52:48,774 Her body was smoldering like a lit cigarette. 1077 00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:51,298 [sensual music] 1078 00:52:52,908 --> 00:52:54,258 Hello, Peter. 1079 00:52:56,260 --> 00:52:57,609 Ms. Lewis. 1080 00:52:58,305 --> 00:53:00,525 I was hoping you could cut my grass. 1081 00:53:02,831 --> 00:53:04,703 I'm not mowing lawns this year. 1082 00:53:05,530 --> 00:53:07,488 I'll make it worth your while 1083 00:53:08,141 --> 00:53:11,927 and you won't have to bag it. 1084 00:53:14,016 --> 00:53:15,322 I can't. 1085 00:53:16,628 --> 00:53:18,151 What am I to do? 1086 00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:24,157 It needs to be cut at least twice a week. 1087 00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:29,554 It grows... so... fast. 1088 00:53:29,728 --> 00:53:30,990 [Peter] She was coming on to me. 1089 00:53:31,164 --> 00:53:32,513 I was paralyzed. 1090 00:53:32,687 --> 00:53:34,211 I didn't know what to do. 1091 00:53:34,733 --> 00:53:36,474 Fortunately, I didn't have to do anything. 1092 00:53:36,648 --> 00:53:37,953 She did it all. 1093 00:53:39,999 --> 00:53:42,567 I thought, this might be my chance. 1094 00:53:42,741 --> 00:53:45,396 If Erica comes to the balcony and sees me with another woman 1095 00:53:45,570 --> 00:53:46,440 she'll be jealous. 1096 00:53:47,049 --> 00:53:49,269 Stay away from him. He's my man. 1097 00:53:49,443 --> 00:53:51,706 [Peter] Then I had the fear that Erica was just the type of girl 1098 00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:53,447 who would enjoy watching. 1099 00:53:54,970 --> 00:53:56,798 I decided to put my all into it. 1100 00:53:57,582 --> 00:54:00,976 If Erica saw how good I was, she would want me even more. 1101 00:54:01,150 --> 00:54:02,848 [crowd cheering] 1102 00:54:03,892 --> 00:54:05,503 But I also worried she might be as harsh 1103 00:54:05,677 --> 00:54:07,331 on my performance as an east German judge. 1104 00:54:07,505 --> 00:54:09,463 [crowd booing] 1105 00:54:09,637 --> 00:54:12,379 What was I doing? If Erica sees me like this 1106 00:54:12,553 --> 00:54:15,295 I will jeopardize all I had worked for all summer. 1107 00:54:15,469 --> 00:54:17,254 I had to stop, but Ms. Lewis... 1108 00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:19,038 -[zipper unzipping] -...was most persuasive. 1109 00:54:19,647 --> 00:54:21,301 How could I tell her no now? 1110 00:54:21,475 --> 00:54:25,174 I tried to think of anything other than sex. 1111 00:54:26,306 --> 00:54:27,873 -[crash] -[pig grunts] 1112 00:54:28,047 --> 00:54:28,917 [woman screams] 1113 00:54:30,789 --> 00:54:32,138 [moaning softly] 1114 00:54:34,532 --> 00:54:35,968 [breathing heavily] 1115 00:54:36,142 --> 00:54:37,317 What happened? 1116 00:54:42,366 --> 00:54:43,541 I don't know. 1117 00:54:44,455 --> 00:54:46,457 Maybe now is not a good time. 1118 00:54:47,849 --> 00:54:49,155 Perhaps it's... 1119 00:54:49,938 --> 00:54:51,200 ...perhaps it's 'cause I've been trying 1120 00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:53,725 -to get this girl to notice me. -[sighs] 1121 00:54:54,943 --> 00:54:56,728 Yes, I know. 1122 00:54:57,990 --> 00:54:59,339 [sighs] I know all about it. 1123 00:54:59,513 --> 00:55:01,298 It's what makes you so exciting. 1124 00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:04,562 -[sighs] -I'm sorry. 1125 00:55:10,872 --> 00:55:12,309 [Matt] Hey. 1126 00:55:13,353 --> 00:55:14,398 [grunts] 1127 00:55:16,138 --> 00:55:17,444 What happened to you? 1128 00:55:18,010 --> 00:55:20,447 I tried to become part of that point 3%. 1129 00:55:22,101 --> 00:55:23,232 -[grunts] -What do you mean? 1130 00:55:24,973 --> 00:55:27,976 [sighs] Your Kinsey Reports. 1131 00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,111 I tried to suck myself off and I hurt my neck. 1132 00:55:32,285 --> 00:55:34,026 Now I've got to wear this stupid thing. 1133 00:55:35,636 --> 00:55:38,291 Hey, anything come in the mail for me yet? 1134 00:55:38,465 --> 00:55:40,424 -Nope. -What's the matter with you? 1135 00:55:41,816 --> 00:55:42,904 Nothing. 1136 00:55:43,557 --> 00:55:45,124 Something's wrong. 1137 00:55:45,298 --> 00:55:46,430 Nothing's wrong. 1138 00:55:46,604 --> 00:55:47,953 Yes, there is. 1139 00:55:49,302 --> 00:55:52,740 See, normally, you would have asked me 1140 00:55:52,914 --> 00:55:55,308 if I succeeded in my venture of self-fellatio. 1141 00:55:55,482 --> 00:55:56,831 But you didn't ask that. 1142 00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,139 Well, did you? 1143 00:56:00,835 --> 00:56:02,010 I will only tell you 1144 00:56:02,184 --> 00:56:03,708 when you tell me what's wrong. 1145 00:56:05,057 --> 00:56:06,101 [sighs] 1146 00:56:07,189 --> 00:56:08,103 Okay. 1147 00:56:09,061 --> 00:56:10,192 I succeeded. 1148 00:56:10,367 --> 00:56:11,280 You didn't. 1149 00:56:11,455 --> 00:56:13,761 Yeah. Only for a second, though, 1150 00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:16,111 before I snapped something in my neck. 1151 00:56:16,938 --> 00:56:18,766 Did you know it tastes like roast beef? 1152 00:56:19,767 --> 00:56:21,290 Which I actually found reassuring. 1153 00:56:21,943 --> 00:56:24,859 See, I always thought that girls must hate giving head. 1154 00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:26,295 But if you think about it, 1155 00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:27,862 it's kind of like a trip to the sizzler. 1156 00:56:29,951 --> 00:56:31,953 Come on, tell me what's bothering you. 1157 00:56:33,651 --> 00:56:35,000 I'm running out of time. 1158 00:56:36,001 --> 00:56:37,916 Erica leaves for college in a couple of weeks. 1159 00:56:38,090 --> 00:56:40,222 I'm beginning to think this isn't going to work. 1160 00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,311 She probably thinks I'm even more of a schmuck than before, you know? 1161 00:56:42,486 --> 00:56:44,052 Yeah, well, I told you so. 1162 00:56:44,618 --> 00:56:46,141 I don't need to hear that from you. 1163 00:56:46,707 --> 00:56:48,666 You're supposed to be my friend. 1164 00:56:48,840 --> 00:56:51,930 I was just trying to give you some good advice. 1165 00:56:52,104 --> 00:56:53,497 Good advice. 1166 00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:57,370 Why would I take advice from a guy who broke his neck 1167 00:56:57,544 --> 00:56:58,850 trying to suck his own dick? 1168 00:56:59,851 --> 00:57:01,896 Because I am enterprising. 1169 00:57:02,070 --> 00:57:03,550 Ah-ah. 1170 00:57:04,812 --> 00:57:07,989 [Peter] There was one thing I hadn't tried yet to become Erica's love slave 1171 00:57:08,163 --> 00:57:10,905 and that was impressing her by pissing her parents off. 1172 00:57:11,079 --> 00:57:13,342 Giuseppe had been working on a plan. 1173 00:57:13,517 --> 00:57:15,867 We were just waiting for the right opportunity. 1174 00:57:16,650 --> 00:57:18,217 Finally, it presented itself. 1175 00:57:18,783 --> 00:57:20,567 Erica's father and his friends were competing 1176 00:57:20,741 --> 00:57:22,830 for some easter pageant contest 1177 00:57:23,004 --> 00:57:25,354 one where 12 guys in bedsheets hold a pose 1178 00:57:25,529 --> 00:57:27,356 of Leonard da Vinci's last supper 1179 00:57:27,531 --> 00:57:28,836 for over five minutes. 1180 00:57:29,402 --> 00:57:31,186 The team with the best tableau gets to perform it 1181 00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,407 at the national cathedral for the president or something. 1182 00:57:34,581 --> 00:57:36,278 [Catholic music] 1183 00:57:37,323 --> 00:57:38,846 Darn it, Phil. You moved. 1184 00:57:39,325 --> 00:57:41,458 I couldn't help it. I had an itch. 1185 00:57:42,023 --> 00:57:43,895 We were only two minutes and 13 seconds into it. 1186 00:57:44,069 --> 00:57:45,766 We have to hold it over twicethat long 1187 00:57:45,940 --> 00:57:47,594 if we stand any chance at all to win this thing. 1188 00:57:47,768 --> 00:57:49,161 Well, it's easy for you. 1189 00:57:49,335 --> 00:57:50,902 You get to rest your elbows on the table. 1190 00:57:51,076 --> 00:57:53,165 Try holding your arms out like this for five minutes. 1191 00:57:53,339 --> 00:57:54,253 Erica's father it's not that hard. 1192 00:57:54,427 --> 00:57:55,950 Yeah, then, you try it. 1193 00:57:56,124 --> 00:57:58,344 Why do you get to be Jesus every year? 1194 00:57:58,953 --> 00:58:01,478 Because I organize this thing. I'm the leader. 1195 00:58:01,652 --> 00:58:03,349 Well, I'm tired of playing Judas all the time. 1196 00:58:03,523 --> 00:58:05,743 Come on, Phil, you make a great Judas. 1197 00:58:07,527 --> 00:58:08,963 What is that supposed to mean? 1198 00:58:10,878 --> 00:58:13,011 And where do you think you're going, young lady? 1199 00:58:13,751 --> 00:58:16,014 Nick got tickets to Lollapalooza. So we're going. 1200 00:58:16,188 --> 00:58:18,190 Well, don't you remember? I banned you from going out. 1201 00:58:18,364 --> 00:58:21,367 -[sighs] Well, can't you make an exception this one time? -No. 1202 00:58:21,541 --> 00:58:22,934 You're not leaving this house. 1203 00:58:23,108 --> 00:58:24,544 [Erica] Dad, what are you talking about? 1204 00:58:24,718 --> 00:58:26,154 -This is not fair. -[Peter's dad] Nobody said 1205 00:58:26,328 --> 00:58:27,591 -growing up was fair. -It is time, my friend. 1206 00:58:28,069 --> 00:58:29,897 You're treating me like I'm ten! 1207 00:58:30,071 --> 00:58:31,551 You're acting like you're ten! 1208 00:58:31,725 --> 00:58:33,901 No, I don't usually do this but it is my res-- 1209 00:58:34,075 --> 00:58:36,469 Let her go. Or the baby Jesus gets it. 1210 00:58:37,557 --> 00:58:38,863 Peter, what...? 1211 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,039 I mean it. 1212 00:58:41,605 --> 00:58:43,650 [dog barking] 1213 00:58:46,087 --> 00:58:48,786 [voice shaking] I cannot have you desecrate the baby Jesus. 1214 00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:54,052 All right, Erica, you may go. 1215 00:59:00,101 --> 00:59:01,712 Now, give him to me. 1216 00:59:01,886 --> 00:59:04,149 I'll give him back at the end of the summer 1217 00:59:04,323 --> 00:59:05,977 when Erica leaves for college. 1218 00:59:06,455 --> 00:59:08,327 It's not fair you keep her locked up in here. 1219 00:59:08,501 --> 00:59:09,415 Why, you... 1220 00:59:10,068 --> 00:59:11,852 -Get him! -[clamoring] 1221 00:59:13,898 --> 00:59:15,682 [laughing] 1222 00:59:17,684 --> 00:59:19,512 [men gasping] 1223 00:59:19,686 --> 00:59:20,644 [all groan] 1224 00:59:21,340 --> 00:59:22,602 [snickering] 1225 00:59:23,951 --> 00:59:25,474 So, how do you think Jesus really feels 1226 00:59:25,649 --> 00:59:27,999 about having his name on all those bumper stickers? 1227 00:59:30,001 --> 00:59:30,741 [car door closing] 1228 00:59:30,915 --> 00:59:32,264 [car departing] 1229 00:59:32,438 --> 00:59:35,528 [dog barking in distance] 1230 00:59:38,270 --> 00:59:40,664 So, my father's pretty pissed. 1231 00:59:42,187 --> 00:59:43,101 Yeah. 1232 00:59:46,408 --> 00:59:48,367 You didn't have to do that, you know. 1233 00:59:50,804 --> 00:59:52,023 I wanted to. 1234 00:59:55,548 --> 00:59:56,505 Thanks. 1235 01:00:05,732 --> 01:00:06,907 [chuckles] 1236 01:00:07,081 --> 01:00:08,213 Well, good night. 1237 01:00:14,654 --> 01:00:17,396 [creaking] 1238 01:00:18,745 --> 01:00:20,965 -[rock music plays on radio] -What? 1239 01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:24,098 She only gave you a peck on the cheek after what you did for her? 1240 01:00:24,708 --> 01:00:26,405 I know. What does that mean? 1241 01:00:26,579 --> 01:00:28,015 Well, I'll tell you what it means. 1242 01:00:28,189 --> 01:00:29,538 It means you ain't never going to make 1243 01:00:29,713 --> 01:00:31,758 the beast with two backs with her, my friend. 1244 01:00:32,367 --> 01:00:34,456 I don't know. We've been talking a lot lately. 1245 01:00:35,109 --> 01:00:36,894 Yeah, sure. You're in the friends zone. 1246 01:00:37,459 --> 01:00:40,114 -Is that bad? -Bad? It's the worst. 1247 01:00:40,288 --> 01:00:41,768 Come on, girls don't want a friend. 1248 01:00:41,942 --> 01:00:43,161 They want a human piston. 1249 01:00:43,901 --> 01:00:45,729 Well, maybe I still got a chance 1250 01:00:45,903 --> 01:00:48,470 of becoming her human piston,as you put it. 1251 01:00:49,036 --> 01:00:50,603 We're not that good of friends. 1252 01:00:50,777 --> 01:00:52,736 Are you kidding me? You're doing life in the friends zone. 1253 01:00:53,388 --> 01:00:55,216 -You think so? -I knowso. 1254 01:01:02,484 --> 01:01:06,793 So, um, what's up with our, uh, psycho killer over there across the street? 1255 01:01:06,967 --> 01:01:09,753 Well, I snuck over there the other night 1256 01:01:09,927 --> 01:01:11,537 to take a peek at what he was up to. 1257 01:01:12,016 --> 01:01:13,974 -He nearly caught me. -See, I told you. 1258 01:01:14,148 --> 01:01:17,021 -I knew it. The guy's nuts. -I'm not so sure. 1259 01:01:17,717 --> 01:01:20,546 The past couple of nights I've seen him take several garbage bags out 1260 01:01:20,720 --> 01:01:24,811 -filled with something. -Bet you he was taking his wife out, piece by piece. 1261 01:01:24,985 --> 01:01:26,639 That's a lot of bags for just one person. 1262 01:01:27,292 --> 01:01:28,989 Maybe he was taking out his whole family. 1263 01:01:29,773 --> 01:01:31,383 I know I've thought about it myself. 1264 01:01:32,732 --> 01:01:33,994 I don't think he has any family. 1265 01:01:35,604 --> 01:01:37,519 Oh! It's here, man! [laughs] 1266 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,434 -There you go. -[laughing] Yes, it's here! 1267 01:01:39,608 --> 01:01:41,654 -It's finally here! -What's finally here? 1268 01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:43,787 It's an Orgasmatron. 1269 01:01:43,961 --> 01:01:46,964 I ordered it in shaved magazine. Check it out. See? 1270 01:01:47,138 --> 01:01:49,183 It runs on battery or A.C. 1271 01:01:49,357 --> 01:01:50,924 It's a new era, Pete. 1272 01:01:51,098 --> 01:01:52,883 Look, you know they have a name now 1273 01:01:53,057 --> 01:01:54,754 for electronic sex? 1274 01:01:54,928 --> 01:01:55,886 What's that? 1275 01:01:56,060 --> 01:01:57,409 "Dildonics." 1276 01:01:57,583 --> 01:01:59,367 Pretty cool, ah-ah? 1277 01:02:00,455 --> 01:02:02,022 Dildonics. 1278 01:02:03,154 --> 01:02:04,851 It kind of makes you sound like a homo. 1279 01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:08,115 Wow. 1280 01:02:08,289 --> 01:02:09,682 I never thought of it like that. 1281 01:02:10,422 --> 01:02:12,859 Anyway, it's a bold, new frontier, man. 1282 01:02:13,425 --> 01:02:14,992 I'll let you borrow it any time you want. 1283 01:02:17,037 --> 01:02:17,951 Hmm... 1284 01:02:18,735 --> 01:02:20,432 [sucking] 1285 01:02:22,913 --> 01:02:26,481 -That's okay. -Listen, with the way things are going with you 1286 01:02:26,655 --> 01:02:29,267 you may want to consider my plan of self-sufficiency. 1287 01:02:29,441 --> 01:02:30,485 [sucking] 1288 01:02:30,659 --> 01:02:32,009 [slurping] 1289 01:02:32,183 --> 01:02:34,098 Ha! Whoa! 1290 01:02:34,663 --> 01:02:37,623 [Peter] The friends zone had an incredible hold on me. 1291 01:02:37,797 --> 01:02:40,539 I couldn't escape its hellish grasp. 1292 01:02:40,713 --> 01:02:44,151 So, who would you rather be, Paul McCartney or John Lennon? 1293 01:02:44,325 --> 01:02:46,110 That's obvious, John Lennon. 1294 01:02:46,284 --> 01:02:48,634 -Yeah, but you'd be dead now. -So what? 1295 01:02:48,808 --> 01:02:51,158 At least I'd be the coolest of all The Beatles. 1296 01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:54,118 I don't know. He did marry Yoko Ono. 1297 01:02:55,336 --> 01:02:57,164 I think people underestimate Paul McCartney. 1298 01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:58,557 I mean, he's written some pretty good music. 1299 01:02:58,731 --> 01:03:00,864 Like "Ebony and Ivory"? 1300 01:03:01,995 --> 01:03:03,562 Okay, you're right. 1301 01:03:04,519 --> 01:03:07,087 You know, I don't think it'd be so hard being a songwriter. 1302 01:03:07,261 --> 01:03:09,611 -Oh, yeah? -I mean, if you're a novelist 1303 01:03:09,786 --> 01:03:11,831 you have to come up with every sentence and every word. 1304 01:03:12,005 --> 01:03:13,920 If you're a businessman, your reports have to be 1305 01:03:14,094 --> 01:03:17,097 well thought out with real sound financial conclusions, right? 1306 01:03:17,271 --> 01:03:19,534 -Right. -But if you're a songwriter 1307 01:03:19,708 --> 01:03:22,059 and you can't figure out how to end a song 1308 01:03:22,233 --> 01:03:23,625 you just fade out. 1309 01:03:24,626 --> 01:03:25,497 It's easy. 1310 01:03:25,671 --> 01:03:27,455 Yeah, you're right. 1311 01:03:27,629 --> 01:03:31,503 What other job let's you finish it up by just fading out? 1312 01:03:32,199 --> 01:03:33,810 A film director. 1313 01:03:39,250 --> 01:03:41,295 [Peter] So, it went on like this. 1314 01:03:41,469 --> 01:03:45,560 Maybe Erica was right we were "just friends." 1315 01:03:45,734 --> 01:03:47,388 So, you never told me. 1316 01:03:47,562 --> 01:03:49,260 What's the worst thing your parents ever did to you? 1317 01:03:49,826 --> 01:03:51,958 I guess the worst thing my dad ever did was 1318 01:03:52,132 --> 01:03:54,656 speak at career day to my third-grade class. 1319 01:03:55,483 --> 01:03:56,833 He talked for over half an hour 1320 01:03:57,007 --> 01:03:59,139 about the joys of being a radiologist 1321 01:03:59,618 --> 01:04:02,534 and then proceeded to treat the entire class 1322 01:04:02,708 --> 01:04:04,231 to a chocolate barium. 1323 01:04:04,405 --> 01:04:05,754 That's bad. 1324 01:04:05,929 --> 01:04:07,539 [laughing] 1325 01:04:07,713 --> 01:04:08,845 So, what about you? 1326 01:04:10,063 --> 01:04:12,196 It must've been the time I was five. 1327 01:04:12,674 --> 01:04:15,547 My dad and I were at the lighthouse Christian store. 1328 01:04:15,721 --> 01:04:19,507 It was January and he was buying Christmas cards. 1329 01:04:19,681 --> 01:04:22,684 He always does that, buys Christmas cards in January 1330 01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:24,991 when the previous year's selection go on sale. 1331 01:04:25,165 --> 01:04:27,167 Anyway, I had just learned to count 1332 01:04:27,341 --> 01:04:28,603 so I was always counting things, 1333 01:04:28,777 --> 01:04:29,953 you know, like the number of stoplights 1334 01:04:30,127 --> 01:04:31,563 on the way to the store, stuff like that. 1335 01:04:32,564 --> 01:04:35,915 When the cashier gave my dad his change back, I had noticed 1336 01:04:36,089 --> 01:04:37,743 that she had given him the wrong amount. 1337 01:04:38,352 --> 01:04:40,354 She'd given him too much... 1338 01:04:41,399 --> 01:04:43,792 And I looked up at my dad and he had noticed, too. 1339 01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,012 But he didn't do anything. 1340 01:04:46,839 --> 01:04:48,362 He just took the money 1341 01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:50,408 and put it in his wallet and we left. 1342 01:04:50,582 --> 01:04:51,800 Wow. 1343 01:04:52,323 --> 01:04:54,194 It was right then, I guess, 1344 01:04:54,934 --> 01:04:57,806 that I stopped believing my parents were perfect people. 1345 01:04:59,460 --> 01:05:00,722 [dog barking in distance] 1346 01:05:01,941 --> 01:05:02,986 Well, 1347 01:05:03,900 --> 01:05:05,249 good night, Peter. 1348 01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:09,818 Night. 1349 01:05:12,343 --> 01:05:15,085 If Erica had lost all trust in her parents 1350 01:05:15,259 --> 01:05:16,651 how could she trust anything? 1351 01:05:17,478 --> 01:05:19,176 How could she trust that I loved her? 1352 01:05:19,741 --> 01:05:22,527 I was beginning to think Matt was right. 1353 01:05:22,701 --> 01:05:26,661 I had tried everything to win over my beloved Erica, but nothing had worked. 1354 01:05:26,835 --> 01:05:28,576 Nothing was going to work. 1355 01:05:28,750 --> 01:05:30,274 All it had done was strand me in the friends zone 1356 01:05:30,448 --> 01:05:31,971 like Charlton Heston being marooned 1357 01:05:32,145 --> 01:05:33,494 in thePlanet of the Apes. 1358 01:05:33,668 --> 01:05:35,061 -I was so unhappy... -[moaning] 1359 01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:36,323 ...whereas my best bud Matt 1360 01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:37,498 had fallen in love with a robot 1361 01:05:37,672 --> 01:05:39,196 which gives blow jobs. 1362 01:05:39,370 --> 01:05:41,241 -[Orgasmatron sucking] -[Matt moaning] 1363 01:05:41,415 --> 01:05:44,027 Maybe I was the strange one, not him. 1364 01:05:44,201 --> 01:05:45,158 At least he was happy. 1365 01:05:45,767 --> 01:05:47,073 -[Matt screaming] -[electric buzzing] 1366 01:05:47,247 --> 01:05:48,509 My dick! 1367 01:05:48,683 --> 01:05:49,946 My dick! 1368 01:05:51,295 --> 01:05:53,601 [opera music] 1369 01:06:22,674 --> 01:06:24,110 Here, you try. 1370 01:06:25,590 --> 01:06:27,505 -It's silly. -So what? It's fun. 1371 01:06:27,679 --> 01:06:29,333 It'll make you feel like a kid again. 1372 01:06:29,507 --> 01:06:31,117 Now, go on! 1373 01:06:31,291 --> 01:06:32,640 That's it. 1374 01:06:33,206 --> 01:06:35,382 Go! Have fun. 1375 01:06:39,865 --> 01:06:41,649 [music continues] 1376 01:07:18,469 --> 01:07:20,514 [music continues] 1377 01:07:31,351 --> 01:07:33,527 You know, everybody thinks you're crazy. 1378 01:07:33,701 --> 01:07:34,920 So what? 1379 01:07:36,748 --> 01:07:39,316 Well, I mean, you got to admit 1380 01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:40,665 you do some pretty weird things. 1381 01:07:40,839 --> 01:07:42,275 I don't think so. 1382 01:07:44,147 --> 01:07:45,104 Well, 1383 01:07:46,192 --> 01:07:49,108 explain why you sometimes go out to your car and eat dinner. 1384 01:07:49,848 --> 01:07:51,502 My car radio gets better reception 1385 01:07:51,676 --> 01:07:52,938 than the one on my stereo. 1386 01:07:53,112 --> 01:07:55,071 I go out there to listen to my opera. 1387 01:07:58,422 --> 01:08:00,424 What about doing your gardening in a scuba mask? 1388 01:08:00,598 --> 01:08:03,514 I love to garden, but I'm allergic to pollen. 1389 01:08:04,645 --> 01:08:06,212 It's the only way I can work in the yard 1390 01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:08,519 without having my eyes all tear up. 1391 01:08:11,391 --> 01:08:12,131 Okay, 1392 01:08:12,305 --> 01:08:13,741 but admit it, 1393 01:08:13,915 --> 01:08:15,874 cutting your grass in the middle of the night... 1394 01:08:16,918 --> 01:08:18,094 ...it's a little strange. 1395 01:08:18,268 --> 01:08:19,791 With this humidity? 1396 01:08:19,965 --> 01:08:22,794 Night time's the only sane time to cut the grass. 1397 01:08:23,621 --> 01:08:25,753 What about sitting on your roof with the telephone? 1398 01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:27,190 [laughing] Oh, that. 1399 01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,062 My best friend Mabel lives 1400 01:08:30,236 --> 01:08:32,282 just a couple of blocks away from here. 1401 01:08:33,979 --> 01:08:37,374 She's going senile, but she won't admit it 1402 01:08:37,548 --> 01:08:40,028 and she insists on driving her car. 1403 01:08:40,203 --> 01:08:44,207 So, when she's coming over to visit, I go up on my roof. 1404 01:08:45,556 --> 01:08:47,949 I can see her back out of her driveway 1405 01:08:48,515 --> 01:08:52,693 and, if she makes a wrong turn I call her on her car phone and give her directions. 1406 01:08:52,867 --> 01:08:53,999 Voila! 1407 01:08:57,698 --> 01:08:58,612 It all makes sense. 1408 01:08:58,786 --> 01:09:00,614 Everything does. 1409 01:09:02,225 --> 01:09:04,444 It just depends on your perspective. 1410 01:09:05,445 --> 01:09:07,012 [air hissing] 1411 01:09:08,927 --> 01:09:10,972 This is the worst day of my life. 1412 01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:13,497 The Orgasmatron shorted out on me... 1413 01:09:14,411 --> 01:09:16,587 ...gave my penis an electric shock. 1414 01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,241 You didn't like that? 1415 01:09:18,415 --> 01:09:19,677 No, you don't understand, okay? 1416 01:09:19,851 --> 01:09:21,331 I can't get it up anymore. 1417 01:09:21,505 --> 01:09:22,854 It doesn't work. 1418 01:09:23,028 --> 01:09:24,595 Just leave it alone for a little while. 1419 01:09:24,769 --> 01:09:26,640 I'm sure it just needs a little R&R. 1420 01:09:26,814 --> 01:09:28,164 Yeah, I know, I tried that. 1421 01:09:28,338 --> 01:09:30,470 I waited all morning and then tried it again. 1422 01:09:30,644 --> 01:09:32,037 It still doesn't work. 1423 01:09:32,211 --> 01:09:34,300 I can't even get it to go to half-mast. 1424 01:09:35,606 --> 01:09:39,871 Hey, what if you're right? What if a guy only has a finite number of erections 1425 01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:41,742 and I've used all mine up? 1426 01:09:42,961 --> 01:09:44,136 Well, what are you going to do? 1427 01:09:44,963 --> 01:09:47,400 I do have an emergency plan for such an event 1428 01:09:48,140 --> 01:09:51,056 but, uh, I'm going to need your help. 1429 01:09:52,884 --> 01:09:54,233 No way, man. 1430 01:09:54,407 --> 01:09:55,539 It's too weird for me. 1431 01:09:56,496 --> 01:09:57,845 Come on, man. 1432 01:09:58,019 --> 01:09:59,847 Look, it's nothing like that, okay? 1433 01:10:01,545 --> 01:10:04,374 I got some money saved up and there's this lady on the boulevard, right? 1434 01:10:05,070 --> 01:10:07,420 Let's just say she's an experienced lady. 1435 01:10:08,639 --> 01:10:11,250 For 100 bucks, she'll do it any way you want. 1436 01:10:11,424 --> 01:10:12,860 What do you need me for? 1437 01:10:13,034 --> 01:10:15,515 I can't do this alone. I need you to go with me. 1438 01:10:15,689 --> 01:10:17,604 Now, I got $150 saved up. 1439 01:10:17,778 --> 01:10:19,998 Hey, we can work a two-for-one deal. 1440 01:10:20,607 --> 01:10:21,826 No way. 1441 01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,567 Come on, man. 1442 01:10:23,741 --> 01:10:25,569 I'll even take sloppy seconds. 1443 01:10:29,486 --> 01:10:31,662 -Just forget it. -[sighs] 1444 01:10:31,836 --> 01:10:34,447 I've only got a few days left to win Erica's love. 1445 01:10:34,621 --> 01:10:36,797 Even if she doesn't fall in love with me 1446 01:10:37,450 --> 01:10:39,713 I've decided to stick it out until the end of the summer. 1447 01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:41,759 That way, I know I've tried everything. 1448 01:10:42,281 --> 01:10:43,543 Please, man. 1449 01:10:44,588 --> 01:10:46,590 Come on, man, it's an emergency. 1450 01:10:46,764 --> 01:10:48,026 I need your help. 1451 01:10:49,506 --> 01:10:50,985 I can't. 1452 01:10:51,682 --> 01:10:53,249 What kind of friend are you? 1453 01:10:53,901 --> 01:10:56,295 I mean, you spend our last great summer together 1454 01:10:56,469 --> 01:10:58,515 standing under some stupid girl's window 1455 01:10:58,689 --> 01:11:00,168 and do I say a word about it to you? 1456 01:11:00,343 --> 01:11:01,735 No, not once... 1457 01:11:01,909 --> 01:11:03,302 But, then, when I need you 1458 01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:04,651 in the middle of the biggest crisis 1459 01:11:04,825 --> 01:11:05,739 of my entire life 1460 01:11:05,913 --> 01:11:07,611 you don't even consider it? 1461 01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:09,961 You're a dickwad, you know that? 1462 01:11:10,135 --> 01:11:12,572 Yeah, no wonder Erica doesn't like you. 1463 01:11:14,182 --> 01:11:15,009 Take it back. 1464 01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:17,011 No. No. 1465 01:11:17,185 --> 01:11:18,709 You know what? You're an ass-wipe 1466 01:11:18,883 --> 01:11:20,232 and she's never going to love you. 1467 01:11:20,885 --> 01:11:22,190 -Take it back! -No! Come on! 1468 01:11:22,365 --> 01:11:23,540 Yeah, yeah, take it back! 1469 01:11:23,714 --> 01:11:24,671 -No! -Yeah, yeah! 1470 01:11:24,845 --> 01:11:26,238 Come here! 1471 01:11:26,412 --> 01:11:27,413 Ow! My neck, man! 1472 01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:28,501 Come on! My neck! 1473 01:11:28,675 --> 01:11:29,502 Get off! 1474 01:11:30,677 --> 01:11:33,158 -[thud] -[groaning] 1475 01:11:34,159 --> 01:11:36,596 Pretty stupid, too, pal. [chuckling] 1476 01:11:36,770 --> 01:11:38,598 [Peter] Maybe I was stupid. 1477 01:11:38,772 --> 01:11:40,600 That afternoon my dad gave me proof 1478 01:11:40,774 --> 01:11:43,211 that I have inherited this trait from him. 1479 01:11:43,386 --> 01:11:45,213 I had just finishedCasanova 1480 01:11:45,388 --> 01:11:47,694 and had begun reading the love poems of Robert Browning 1481 01:11:47,868 --> 01:11:49,914 and his wife Elizabeth Barrett Browning. 1482 01:11:50,088 --> 01:11:52,133 She's the one who wrote, "How do I love thee? 1483 01:11:52,308 --> 01:11:54,005 Let me count the ways..." 1484 01:11:54,179 --> 01:11:56,137 Anyway, it was my parents' anniversary 1485 01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:59,227 and my father made the mistake of getting the wrong gift. 1486 01:11:59,402 --> 01:12:01,142 [Jazz music] 1487 01:12:07,366 --> 01:12:09,150 [Peter's dad] I'm sorry, honey. 1488 01:12:11,065 --> 01:12:12,980 ♪ Life was good... ♪ 1489 01:12:14,591 --> 01:12:16,419 [Peter] My dad tried to salvage the situation 1490 01:12:16,593 --> 01:12:18,290 by rushing out to the jewelry store. 1491 01:12:19,117 --> 01:12:20,118 [car engine starting] 1492 01:12:20,684 --> 01:12:21,946 But that wasn't enough. 1493 01:12:22,120 --> 01:12:23,600 When he came home, 1494 01:12:23,774 --> 01:12:26,080 he was in for a big surprise. 1495 01:12:27,212 --> 01:12:29,649 ♪ I saw a change ♪ 1496 01:12:30,911 --> 01:12:33,653 ♪ In the heart of love ♪ 1497 01:12:36,482 --> 01:12:39,746 ♪ Under a liar's moon... ♪ 1498 01:12:42,706 --> 01:12:44,621 Honey, come on, let me in, please? 1499 01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:50,017 Sweetheart, I, I got you another present, see? 1500 01:12:51,671 --> 01:12:54,544 ♪ You tell me that you love me ♪ 1501 01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:58,199 ♪ But you don't get my style ♪ 1502 01:12:59,766 --> 01:13:01,768 ♪ You just don't care ♪ 1503 01:13:03,466 --> 01:13:05,859 ♪ And I care too much ♪ 1504 01:13:07,513 --> 01:13:10,864 ♪ I'm under a liar's... ♪ 1505 01:13:11,038 --> 01:13:12,605 May I join you? 1506 01:13:17,654 --> 01:13:18,611 Guess so. 1507 01:13:40,894 --> 01:13:42,766 [Peter] I always thought my dad was pretty lame. 1508 01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:47,379 What did it say about me now that my dad was using my strategy to win Erica 1509 01:13:47,553 --> 01:13:49,425 to score points with mom? 1510 01:13:50,121 --> 01:13:51,035 [dog barking in distance] 1511 01:13:53,298 --> 01:13:55,256 I hoped my dad would have more luck with my mom 1512 01:13:55,431 --> 01:13:57,171 than I was having with Erica. 1513 01:13:57,824 --> 01:14:00,044 He was beginning to get on my nerves. 1514 01:14:04,222 --> 01:14:05,615 You ever tried that one on Mom? 1515 01:14:06,224 --> 01:14:07,355 No. 1516 01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:10,924 How about that? 1517 01:14:12,535 --> 01:14:13,666 No. 1518 01:14:15,973 --> 01:14:18,497 You've been married 18 years, you haven't tried that? 1519 01:14:20,325 --> 01:14:22,327 Uh, that area's a big mystery to me. 1520 01:14:22,501 --> 01:14:24,416 I've, I've never been able to figure it out. 1521 01:14:25,112 --> 01:14:26,723 No wonder she's so mad at you. 1522 01:14:28,333 --> 01:14:29,900 Do you really think she wants that? 1523 01:14:31,989 --> 01:14:32,990 Of course, she does. 1524 01:14:33,164 --> 01:14:34,513 You read what the book says. 1525 01:14:44,654 --> 01:14:45,437 Thanks, Peter. 1526 01:14:45,611 --> 01:14:46,743 [soft music] 1527 01:14:59,146 --> 01:15:00,757 [sensual music] 1528 01:15:22,169 --> 01:15:23,431 [thudding] 1529 01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:24,694 [glass shatters] 1530 01:15:24,868 --> 01:15:26,086 [moans] 1531 01:15:36,357 --> 01:15:38,229 [moaning passionately] 1532 01:15:47,281 --> 01:15:49,414 [moaning continues] 1533 01:15:52,635 --> 01:15:53,897 [louder moaning] 1534 01:15:54,071 --> 01:15:55,942 [Peter] Jesus Christ! 1535 01:15:56,116 --> 01:15:58,902 Now even my dad was getting more action than I was. 1536 01:15:59,380 --> 01:16:00,556 [car door closes] 1537 01:16:34,415 --> 01:16:35,547 Hey-ho, Peter. 1538 01:16:36,026 --> 01:16:38,463 [humming] 1539 01:16:40,378 --> 01:16:43,337 -What's this? -This is breakfast. 1540 01:16:47,733 --> 01:16:49,039 But I thought that... 1541 01:16:49,213 --> 01:16:51,998 Look, I was all wrong about all this. 1542 01:16:52,172 --> 01:16:54,044 I'm... I'm very sorry. 1543 01:16:54,218 --> 01:16:57,003 Oh, and, uh, here's a copy of the house key. 1544 01:16:57,177 --> 01:16:59,658 You can come back inside anytime you want. 1545 01:17:06,709 --> 01:17:07,535 Thanks. 1546 01:17:07,710 --> 01:17:08,624 [sighing] 1547 01:17:08,798 --> 01:17:09,842 And, son... 1548 01:17:12,715 --> 01:17:13,759 I love you. 1549 01:17:17,284 --> 01:17:19,722 [Peter] You know the sad man across the street? 1550 01:17:19,896 --> 01:17:21,462 You know, the one who pushes his wife around 1551 01:17:21,637 --> 01:17:22,681 in the wheelchair all the time? 1552 01:17:23,421 --> 01:17:26,642 Well, I don't see her around there anymore, 1553 01:17:27,425 --> 01:17:29,296 like she's, she's gone. 1554 01:17:30,167 --> 01:17:31,734 And I've been watching them all summer 1555 01:17:31,908 --> 01:17:33,170 and secretly, he's been taking things 1556 01:17:33,344 --> 01:17:35,433 in and out of the house. 1557 01:17:35,607 --> 01:17:38,305 Wait, so you think he killed his wife? 1558 01:17:38,479 --> 01:17:39,480 Yeah. 1559 01:17:40,177 --> 01:17:41,047 That's bull. 1560 01:17:42,353 --> 01:17:44,442 -I don't believe that. -Yeah? 1561 01:17:45,008 --> 01:17:46,836 Well, why don't you go over there 1562 01:17:47,010 --> 01:17:48,141 and check it out? 1563 01:17:48,838 --> 01:17:50,056 'Cause I got better things to do 1564 01:17:50,230 --> 01:17:51,667 than prowl around some guy's backyard. 1565 01:17:52,972 --> 01:17:54,017 I dare you to go. 1566 01:17:54,191 --> 01:17:55,801 Oh, I'm not going over there. 1567 01:17:55,975 --> 01:17:57,585 I almost got caught last time. 1568 01:17:57,760 --> 01:17:58,978 I dare you both. 1569 01:18:01,241 --> 01:18:02,373 Look, we'll all go. 1570 01:18:04,897 --> 01:18:06,594 [Peter] So, we crossed the street 1571 01:18:06,769 --> 01:18:08,901 to find out what happened to the man's wife. 1572 01:18:09,641 --> 01:18:12,296 Making sure we didn't get run over by Mr. Mays. 1573 01:18:14,733 --> 01:18:16,300 -[whispers] It's locked. Come on. -Erica, wait. 1574 01:18:16,474 --> 01:18:18,171 All right, all right. 1575 01:18:21,827 --> 01:18:24,438 -No, don't open the door, don't. -It's unlocked. 1576 01:18:24,612 --> 01:18:26,310 [ominous music] 1577 01:18:26,484 --> 01:18:27,615 -Go... -[man clears throat] 1578 01:18:30,531 --> 01:18:31,968 I knew you'd come back. 1579 01:18:32,969 --> 01:18:35,188 You want to see what's inside? 1580 01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:37,625 Want to see what I've done? 1581 01:18:39,192 --> 01:18:41,107 I'll show you what I've done. 1582 01:18:42,152 --> 01:18:43,762 [whimpering] 1583 01:18:48,462 --> 01:18:51,117 -No, no, no! No, no. -No! No! No! 1584 01:18:51,291 --> 01:18:52,815 [vehicle approaches] 1585 01:18:53,903 --> 01:18:55,208 [thudding] 1586 01:18:55,382 --> 01:18:57,210 [groaning] 1587 01:18:57,384 --> 01:18:59,299 -Please, no... -You've been waiting all summer long. 1588 01:18:59,473 --> 01:19:01,214 -[Erica] Relax, relax. -[Peter] No, we haven't. 1589 01:19:01,388 --> 01:19:02,868 No. Let us go. 1590 01:19:03,042 --> 01:19:04,435 Come on, we didn't do anything! 1591 01:19:04,609 --> 01:19:06,611 -Get in the swimming pool. -[cross-talk] 1592 01:19:07,394 --> 01:19:08,613 [Erica screams] 1593 01:19:10,441 --> 01:19:11,311 [shrieks] 1594 01:19:11,485 --> 01:19:13,052 [hearty laughter] 1595 01:19:17,013 --> 01:19:20,059 This... this is what I've done. 1596 01:19:20,625 --> 01:19:22,453 You built a swimming pool in your living room? 1597 01:19:22,627 --> 01:19:24,934 No, not just a swimming pool. 1598 01:19:25,891 --> 01:19:28,589 [tropical music playing] 1599 01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:30,809 [man] I built paradise. 1600 01:19:30,983 --> 01:19:34,857 A tropical... paradise. 1601 01:19:37,294 --> 01:19:38,295 Honey... 1602 01:19:40,123 --> 01:19:41,864 What's going on? 1603 01:19:42,342 --> 01:19:43,300 Nothing, my dear. 1604 01:19:43,474 --> 01:19:45,041 Just some guests. 1605 01:19:47,217 --> 01:19:48,522 My wife and I... 1606 01:19:50,742 --> 01:19:52,875 ...wanted to go back to Tahiti 1607 01:19:53,049 --> 01:19:54,833 for our second honeymoon. 1608 01:19:56,966 --> 01:19:57,880 But then... 1609 01:19:59,272 --> 01:20:00,796 ...she got so sick... 1610 01:20:02,928 --> 01:20:06,062 ...she really loves the water, you see? 1611 01:20:07,846 --> 01:20:11,023 I wanted to build a pool in our backyard, 1612 01:20:11,197 --> 01:20:16,028 but the city wouldn't give me the permit in time. 1613 01:20:17,813 --> 01:20:19,075 So... 1614 01:20:19,727 --> 01:20:23,862 I built it here, secret. 1615 01:20:25,908 --> 01:20:27,083 For her... 1616 01:20:29,215 --> 01:20:30,782 So that my love and I... 1617 01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:34,612 ...can go back to paradise. 1618 01:20:39,747 --> 01:20:41,749 You won't tell anyone, will you? 1619 01:20:45,057 --> 01:20:47,755 "Where the apple reddens, never pry 1620 01:20:48,844 --> 01:20:51,585 lest we lose our Edens, Eve and I." 1621 01:20:55,763 --> 01:20:58,244 [soft rock music] 1622 01:21:06,949 --> 01:21:07,950 Hi. 1623 01:21:09,386 --> 01:21:10,300 Hi. 1624 01:21:11,867 --> 01:21:15,000 So, listen, um... I'm leaving tomorrow. 1625 01:21:17,307 --> 01:21:18,438 Where you going? 1626 01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:21,398 You're not going to believe this 1627 01:21:21,572 --> 01:21:24,531 but, uh, I decided I'm going to go to college. 1628 01:21:26,490 --> 01:21:27,752 Right. 1629 01:21:27,926 --> 01:21:29,319 Good. 1630 01:21:29,493 --> 01:21:31,321 Erica's leaving for college, too. 1631 01:21:31,495 --> 01:21:32,583 Uh-huh. 1632 01:21:34,367 --> 01:21:35,412 Where is she? 1633 01:21:36,239 --> 01:21:37,109 She's with Nick. 1634 01:21:37,762 --> 01:21:38,632 He broke his leg. 1635 01:21:39,416 --> 01:21:41,418 -Too bad. -Yeah. 1636 01:21:41,592 --> 01:21:43,072 Lost his football scholarship. 1637 01:21:43,246 --> 01:21:45,074 Mm, like I said, too bad. 1638 01:21:45,248 --> 01:21:46,292 [chuckles] 1639 01:21:50,731 --> 01:21:53,430 So, um, I guess I won't be seeing you around. 1640 01:21:55,432 --> 01:21:58,304 No, um... I guess not. 1641 01:22:02,700 --> 01:22:03,831 Peter, listen... 1642 01:22:05,833 --> 01:22:07,574 ...I, I was kind of hoping that 1643 01:22:08,401 --> 01:22:10,360 we could spend my last day here together. 1644 01:22:11,448 --> 01:22:12,753 Elliot's having this party 1645 01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:14,233 and I thought, you know, maybe we could go. 1646 01:22:16,540 --> 01:22:17,715 Sounds good... 1647 01:22:19,021 --> 01:22:21,501 ...but what if Erica, 1648 01:22:21,675 --> 01:22:23,416 -you know...? -Yeah. Erica. 1649 01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:27,203 Well, I'll, um, I'll see you. 1650 01:22:33,035 --> 01:22:34,166 Screw Erica. 1651 01:22:37,561 --> 01:22:38,475 What? 1652 01:22:39,171 --> 01:22:39,998 I said 1653 01:22:40,607 --> 01:22:41,957 screw Erica. 1654 01:22:43,871 --> 01:22:47,701 I mean, if she's not willing to give me a chance by now then she's nuts. 1655 01:22:47,875 --> 01:22:50,835 No other man would go through what I did for her. 1656 01:22:52,358 --> 01:22:54,665 If that love isn't good enough for her, well, so be it. 1657 01:22:55,840 --> 01:22:58,712 I mean, there are plenty of other beautiful 1658 01:22:58,886 --> 01:23:00,758 mature women that want me. 1659 01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:05,850 I even passed up a night with Ms. Lewis for Erica. 1660 01:23:06,894 --> 01:23:09,288 You passed up "melon breasts" Lewis? 1661 01:23:09,462 --> 01:23:12,552 If she doesn't love me by now, then I don't love her. 1662 01:23:13,379 --> 01:23:14,772 Besides, she even thinks Roger Moore 1663 01:23:14,946 --> 01:23:16,295 is the best James Bond. 1664 01:23:16,469 --> 01:23:17,688 Huh? 1665 01:23:19,820 --> 01:23:20,778 Come on, let's go. 1666 01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:22,258 All right. 1667 01:23:24,608 --> 01:23:27,045 [Matt] So, listen, did I, uh, tell you 1668 01:23:27,219 --> 01:23:29,526 I revised my theory on self-sufficiency? 1669 01:23:29,700 --> 01:23:32,007 I'm against it now. It's a little lonely. 1670 01:23:36,446 --> 01:23:39,753 Peter? Peter, I need to talk to you. 1671 01:23:40,798 --> 01:23:42,017 Peter? 1672 01:23:42,669 --> 01:23:43,540 [dog barking] 1673 01:23:49,067 --> 01:23:50,112 Peter? 1674 01:23:54,159 --> 01:23:55,900 [calm music] 1675 01:24:12,351 --> 01:24:13,396 [Ms. Lewis] Hi, Peter. 1676 01:24:13,570 --> 01:24:14,527 [Peter] Hi, Ms. Lewis. 1677 01:24:15,441 --> 01:24:16,921 What have you boys been up to? 1678 01:24:18,966 --> 01:24:19,837 [Peter] Well, 1679 01:24:20,403 --> 01:24:21,708 we just got back from a party. 1680 01:24:21,882 --> 01:24:23,449 Now everybody's going off for college 1681 01:24:23,623 --> 01:24:26,496 so it was the last hurrah. 1682 01:24:27,279 --> 01:24:28,541 Oh. Sounds like fun. 1683 01:24:29,629 --> 01:24:32,415 Would you boys like to come in for a cup of 1684 01:24:32,980 --> 01:24:34,199 hot cocoa? 1685 01:24:37,681 --> 01:24:39,248 Uh... No, thanks. 1686 01:24:42,947 --> 01:24:44,253 This is my friend, Matt. 1687 01:24:44,949 --> 01:24:46,429 Ah-ah. 1688 01:24:47,038 --> 01:24:47,995 Hi! 1689 01:24:48,822 --> 01:24:49,736 Hi. 1690 01:24:51,912 --> 01:24:53,479 I would, uh, 1691 01:24:54,001 --> 01:24:55,612 love a cup of cocoa. 1692 01:24:56,743 --> 01:25:00,704 ♪ ...but I can't get you out of my heart ♪ 1693 01:25:00,878 --> 01:25:02,619 ♪ Come on in ♪ 1694 01:25:02,793 --> 01:25:05,752 ♪ When the birds sing all about you ♪ 1695 01:25:05,926 --> 01:25:07,580 ♪ The saddest harmony ♪ 1696 01:25:07,754 --> 01:25:10,279 ♪ Is always to part... ♪ 1697 01:25:10,453 --> 01:25:11,454 Ah-ah. 1698 01:25:11,628 --> 01:25:13,760 ♪ ...with you ♪ 1699 01:25:13,934 --> 01:25:17,155 ♪ You change everything that's blue... ♪ 1700 01:25:17,329 --> 01:25:18,069 [Matt] It works. 1701 01:25:18,243 --> 01:25:19,592 It actually works! 1702 01:25:19,766 --> 01:25:20,724 Ah-ah! 1703 01:25:20,898 --> 01:25:22,117 It works! 1704 01:25:22,943 --> 01:25:24,684 [music fades] 1705 01:25:48,708 --> 01:25:49,927 Erica? 1706 01:25:53,974 --> 01:25:54,888 Peter. 1707 01:26:08,293 --> 01:26:09,381 I missed you. 1708 01:26:16,867 --> 01:26:19,478 ["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven] 1709 01:26:31,316 --> 01:26:33,710 [music intensifies] 1710 01:27:36,163 --> 01:27:39,341 [music continues] 1711 01:27:54,312 --> 01:27:57,446 [rattling] 1712 01:28:04,366 --> 01:28:05,802 [Peter] So, that's my story. 1713 01:28:05,976 --> 01:28:07,325 It's all true 1714 01:28:07,499 --> 01:28:09,632 give or take a few minor details. 1715 01:28:09,806 --> 01:28:11,764 My grandfather was right. 1716 01:28:11,938 --> 01:28:13,592 I now know in my heart of hearts 1717 01:28:13,766 --> 01:28:15,768 that people are supposed to make love. 1718 01:28:15,942 --> 01:28:17,857 It is our main purpose in life. 1719 01:28:18,031 --> 01:28:19,424 All those other activities, 1720 01:28:19,598 --> 01:28:21,600 playing the violin, washing dishes 1721 01:28:21,774 --> 01:28:23,907 reading novels, drinking wine, 1722 01:28:24,081 --> 01:28:28,085 are just ways of passing time until you can make love again. 1723 01:28:30,217 --> 01:28:34,134 ["Ode to Joy" by Beethoven] 1724 01:29:27,405 --> 01:29:30,321 ["On The Outside" by Oingo Boingo] 1725 01:29:40,287 --> 01:29:41,985 ♪ They laugh at me aloud ♪ 1726 01:29:42,159 --> 01:29:43,552 ♪ They say I'm just a clown ♪ 1727 01:29:43,726 --> 01:29:45,118 ♪ That I ain't got no pride ♪ 1728 01:29:45,292 --> 01:29:46,511 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1729 01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:49,122 ♪ The girls look really cute ♪ 1730 01:29:49,296 --> 01:29:50,602 ♪ They really make it work ♪ 1731 01:29:50,776 --> 01:29:52,169 ♪ They think I'm just a jerk ♪ 1732 01:29:52,343 --> 01:29:53,997 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1733 01:29:54,998 --> 01:29:56,129 ♪ I never could sit still ♪ 1734 01:29:56,303 --> 01:29:57,653 ♪ I never was too hip ♪ 1735 01:29:57,827 --> 01:29:59,568 ♪ I never caught the ride ♪ 1736 01:29:59,742 --> 01:30:02,440 ♪ I'm on the outside I'm on the outside ♪ 1737 01:30:02,614 --> 01:30:04,964 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 1738 01:30:05,138 --> 01:30:07,706 ♪ This is where it all begins ♪ 1739 01:30:09,404 --> 01:30:10,883 ♪ Right here ♪ 1740 01:30:11,057 --> 01:30:13,320 ♪ On the outside looking in ♪ 1741 01:30:14,539 --> 01:30:16,411 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1742 01:30:20,197 --> 01:30:21,851 ♪ I never was a punk ♪ 1743 01:30:22,025 --> 01:30:24,419 ♪ I never shot junk I never even tried ♪ 1744 01:30:24,593 --> 01:30:26,290 ♪ Counter culture passed me right by ♪ 1745 01:30:26,464 --> 01:30:27,552 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1746 01:30:27,726 --> 01:30:28,858 ♪ Don't talk to debutantes ♪ 1747 01:30:29,032 --> 01:30:30,294 ♪ Don't eat in restaurants ♪ 1748 01:30:30,468 --> 01:30:32,209 ♪ The patrons sit and stare ♪ 1749 01:30:32,383 --> 01:30:34,080 ♪ The waiters make wisecracks behind my back ♪ 1750 01:30:34,951 --> 01:30:37,649 ♪ The teachers there in school They flunked me by the rule ♪ 1751 01:30:37,823 --> 01:30:40,478 ♪ They say I had no motivation brains or dedication ♪ 1752 01:30:40,652 --> 01:30:42,349 ♪ I guess the imbeciles were right ♪ 1753 01:30:42,524 --> 01:30:43,481 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1754 01:30:43,655 --> 01:30:45,178 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1755 01:30:45,352 --> 01:30:47,572 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 1756 01:30:47,746 --> 01:30:50,183 ♪ This is where it all begins ♪ 1757 01:30:50,880 --> 01:30:53,012 ♪ On the outside looking in ♪ 1758 01:30:54,057 --> 01:30:55,145 ♪ Looking in ♪ 1759 01:30:55,319 --> 01:30:56,886 ♪ At you ♪ 1760 01:30:57,060 --> 01:30:59,192 ♪ Just an alien through and through ♪ 1761 01:31:00,063 --> 01:31:02,892 ♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you ♪ 1762 01:31:03,066 --> 01:31:04,937 ♪ Tryin' to fit ♪ 1763 01:31:05,416 --> 01:31:09,594 ♪ Just a stranger on the outside looking in ♪ 1764 01:31:35,054 --> 01:31:36,186 ♪ Disco makes me sick ♪ 1765 01:31:36,360 --> 01:31:37,579 ♪ I wear the wrong clothes ♪ 1766 01:31:37,753 --> 01:31:39,581 ♪ I say the wrong things ♪ 1767 01:31:39,755 --> 01:31:41,104 ♪ You know I can't dance my feet are much too wide ♪ 1768 01:31:41,278 --> 01:31:42,322 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1769 01:31:42,497 --> 01:31:43,976 ♪ You think you set the trends ♪ 1770 01:31:44,150 --> 01:31:45,674 ♪ You wear your hair just right ♪ 1771 01:31:45,848 --> 01:31:47,327 ♪ Your clothes are out of sight ♪ 1772 01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:49,286 ♪ Your house is modern early kitsch ♪ 1773 01:31:49,460 --> 01:31:51,114 ♪ You get so macho when you're with your bitch ♪ 1774 01:31:51,288 --> 01:31:53,856 ♪ I see them go to work I see them go to sleep ♪ 1775 01:31:54,030 --> 01:31:55,335 ♪ I see them on TV ♪ 1776 01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:56,946 ♪ I see them laugh and cry ♪ 1777 01:31:57,120 --> 01:31:58,425 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1778 01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,775 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1779 01:31:59,949 --> 01:32:02,517 ♪ I'm on the outside... ♪ 1780 01:32:04,519 --> 01:32:05,607 ♪ Now ♪ 1781 01:32:05,781 --> 01:32:08,697 ♪ This is where it all begins ♪ 1782 01:32:08,871 --> 01:32:11,221 ♪ On the outside looking in ♪ 1783 01:32:11,917 --> 01:32:13,223 ♪ Looking in ♪ 1784 01:32:13,397 --> 01:32:14,311 ♪ At you ♪ 1785 01:32:15,268 --> 01:32:17,227 ♪ Just an alien through and through ♪ 1786 01:32:18,141 --> 01:32:20,883 ♪ Tryin' to make believe I'm you ♪ 1787 01:32:21,057 --> 01:32:22,232 ♪ Tryin' to fit ♪ 1788 01:32:23,233 --> 01:32:29,369 ♪ Just a stranger on the outside looking in ♪ 1789 01:32:31,502 --> 01:32:33,330 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1790 01:32:34,374 --> 01:32:36,638 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 1791 01:32:37,595 --> 01:32:39,249 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1792 01:32:40,555 --> 01:32:42,513 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 1793 01:32:43,645 --> 01:32:45,342 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1794 01:32:46,648 --> 01:32:48,650 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 1795 01:32:49,694 --> 01:32:51,478 ♪ I'm on the outside ♪ 1796 01:32:52,828 --> 01:32:54,917 ♪ I'm on the outside now ♪ 123645