Original subtitles

What do you have?

I don't have Laura.

Hey, what do you have?

Baby Ruth.

LAURA: Give 'em to me.

Hi, Laura.

Give me your glasses.

Come and get 'em.

Hey, what's going on under there, huh?

Not much.

I'm wet, too. Can you dry me off the same way?

Ah, don't you wish.

You still haven't gotten these fixed.

I don't have anything to wear in the meantime.

They can fix 'em while you wait.

- They can? - Sure.

How do you know things like that?

How do you not know things like that?

(LAUGHS) I need you to come live with me

to tell me things like that.

Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SAM HUMMING)

- Hi, Susan. - Hi, Sam.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hey, Sam!

(HUMMING)

Yeah.

(SAM COUGHS)

What are you trying to do? Protect the food from the rats?

- (LAUGHING) - What's going on here?

- Hey... - I thought I forgot to invite you to dinner.

That's all right. I forgot not to come.

- Yeah, yeah. - What are we having?

Laura's chili.

Uh, excuse me, don't you mean Laura's recipe for chili?

Yeah, Laura's recipe for chili.

Oh, well, you had me worried.

For a minute there, I thought you meant Laura made the chili

and it's still in the icebox a year later.

Uh-uh.

So, who's the redhead?

She's Elise. She's Susan's college roommate. Mmm.

- Elise, huh? - Yeah.

- College roommate? - Yeah.

- I believe class has begun. - Yeah?

Excuse me, won't you?

- Go get her. - I'll be right back.

Ooh, hot.

Terrific. Here. How about some cheese?

No, there's enough cheese on the table there.

- (GIRLS LAUGHING) - It, uh, walked off the... I can't help it.

It just jumped out of the plate. It's unbelievable.

Hey, listen, do you still work at that awful men's store?

That's cute. I happen to be lucky to have the job.

- Yeah. - Wait till you get out of school, all right?

(PHONE RINGING)

(SUSAN AND SAM EXCLAIMING)

- Touchy. - Uh-huh.

Um, you wanna answer the phone, Charles? Maybe it's Laura.

- Shut up. - Uh-huh.

- Mmm. - Why would Laura call?

She wouldn't. Your brother lives in hope.

Because I'm going to get her back.

- Oh. - I'll drink to that.

- Who is Laura? - It's a long story.

Hi, Mom.

(CRYING) I'm so glad you're there.

I was gonna kill myself.

(SIGHS)

Here's how I met Laura.

It was a year ago. I was hard at work in my usual conscientious fashion.

I work for the State of Utah. Department of Development.

My job is to read reports. Then I write reports on the reports.

I give them to my boss, Mr. Patterson.

I've never figured out what he does with 'em, but, uh,

I've been promoted twice.

After I make out my reports, I put them in my "out" basket

and one of the typists comes in and gets them.

BETTY: Is this all you have?

- What? - Is this all you have?

That's a profound question.

What?

That's all I have.

Oh, Mr. Patterson wants you to go to the vault.

Well, why? What's wrong?

Oh, Jeannette's out sick.

(DRAWER OPENING)

(DRAWER CLOSING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(HUMMING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi.

Hi.

- Can I help you? - Oh.

You're from Mr. Patterson. Where's Jeannette?

- (STAMMERS) What? - Jeannette. Where's Jeannette?

Oh, she's, uh... She's out sick.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

You can wait at the desk. I'll bring 'em to you.

- I'll help you. - I can manage.

Some of 'em might be up high.

Uh, we have these little ladders.

Oh, I'll hold the ladder so you don't fall.

I do this all day, you know.

- Have you ever fallen? - Nope.

- You're lucky. - Will you do me a favor?

- Sure. - Wait at the desk.

Oh, come on. I like this room.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay. Come on.

Excuse me.

Hey, need your little ladder?

Oh, no, I can reach this one.

Oh, okay.

Uh, one of these is isn't in.

Good. Come back every day to see if it's been returned.

Are you nuts?

No, completely normal.

What's your name?

LAURA: Tell Mr. Patterson I'll call Jeannette when the other file comes in.

You're not gonna tell me your name?

Yeah, I'll tell you my name. It's Laura.

- Laura. What a... - What a beautiful name.

(LAUGHS) No, I wasn't gonna say that.

I wasn't gonna say, "What a beautiful name."

I was gonna say, "What a coincidence."

What is?

That your name is Laura.

My name is Charles.

I don't get it. What's the coincidence?

(LAUGHS) There isn't any.

I just wanted to tell you my name.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Charles what?

Richardson. Laura what?

Connelly.

- What a beautiful name, Connelly. - Yeah, it's lovely.

Uh, I have to get back to work.

- Oh. - Bye, Charles.

(SIGHS)

Well, bye, Laura.

Nice meeting you.

It was, wasn't it?

(LAURA LAUGHS)

Yeah.

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

You scared me.

Sorry.

I thought you'd be back.

I thought you might wait until tomorrow at least.

Why wait until tomorrow? I think we ought to go out tonight.

Why do you think we should go out tonight?

Because we get along. I like you.

I'm married.

I don't believe you.

(SIGHS) Well, we'll have to disregard it.

- Okay. - Okay?

Uh, we're having some problems.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm not.

I am. It makes me feel awful.

Well, I don't want you to feel awful. I want you to feel terrific.

Nah, I haven't felt terrific in a long time.

If I make you feel terrific, will you marry me?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Just joking. I mean, after all, we hardly know each other, right?

(LAUGHS) Just met.

I'm still here, Mom.

(SIGHING)

CHARLES: Laura took me home with her on our first date.

Just moved in?

(CHUCKLING) No, six weeks ago.

It wouldn't be bad if I fixed it up or got some furniture.

I thought maybe this might be your minimalist period.

(CHUCKLES)

I'll, uh, just put my coat on this chair here.

Well, I'll put my purse on the table.

I think I'll put my coat, uh, on the chair next to it.

(CHUCKLING)

It looks good there.

I have some wine.

I don't know if you like wine.

I love wine.

No, I really do have some wine.

- Real wine? - Uh-huh.

I don't know if I'm up to that.

Oh.

I was kidding. Get the wine.

Okay.

She didn't have much, a picture of a kid.

Cute kid.

Uh, Laura, do you... Do you want me to go home?

I just don't know if I did the right thing.

I went out to buy a chair last weekend.

Only I couldn't decide what to buy.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, if I... If I go back to Jim,

there's no point in investing in a lot of furniture.

So I thought to myself,

"Okay, I'll buy a folding chair."

Then I thought how depressing,

how awful it would be to live in a place with a mattress and a folding chair.

I turned right around and came home and didn't buy anything.

I think you ought to come and live in my house.

- Your house? - Yeah.

I can't do that.

Well, then you ought to get some furniture for this place.

It is depressing.

I don't seem to be able to do that, either.

Well, then you ought to come and live in my house.

Charles, I just met you this afternoon.

Yeah.

Well, how long would you have to know me before you'd come and live in my house?

(LAUGHING)

I have two rooms. You wouldn't have to sleep in my bedroom.

I'd like it if you did, but I wouldn't make it a condition.

I think I'll stay here for the time being. Thanks anyway.

Sure.

I'll ask you again some other time.

CLARA ON PHONE: Is the appendix on the right or on the left?

Yeah, I... Yeah, I'm... I can hear you, Mom.

We'll be right over, okay?

...in the bathtub...

We'll be right over! Bye.

(SIGHS) We have to go over to Mom's. She's in pain.

She's thinking of killing herself, again.

Well, the day my grandfather killed himself, he also shot two grouse.

He went out in the morning for the birds and in the afternoon for himself.

My grandmother cleaned and cooked the grouse anyway.

- (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) - Hi, Mom.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, the pains are over here.

- Did you take something? - No.

No, I didn't take a laxative.

I knew I shouldn't take a laxative.

- You're gonna be all right. - You hate me.

You don't want me to be all right.

I do want you to be all right.

Of course he wants you to be all right. What a thing to say!

- I was gonna kill myself. - I know.

Of course you weren't!

Try to help a little, Mom!

I'm in pain!

Another bathtub deal?

CHARLES: Yeah.

Oh, boy.

No, it's okay. She's asleep.

Yeah, she's always tired after one of those.

Hey, how about a drink as long as you're here?

Oh, well, not tonight, Pete. Maybe some other time.

If you were my own kids instead of my stepkids,

I'd bet you'd stay and have a drink.

We have friends. Otherwise, we would.

You're not coming to dinner Sunday either, are you?

Uh, I have to get back to school.

He doesn't have to get back to school.

All right, I'll be there.

Good, good.

Charles, what would you like, huh? What can I get you that you especially like?

Olives.

Olives? Any special kind?

No, just regular olives.

Big ones or the small kind?

Big ones.

Big ones. All right. We'll have olives with celery, huh?

All the trimmings, huh? How's that sound?

- It sounds great. - Good.

- Good night, Pete. Thanks. - Yeah.

- Good night. - Good night, honey.

How's the car coming along? How's it holding up?

It's pretty good. It uses a lot of gas.

Listen, if you need any wax for your car, let me recommend Turtle Wax.

- I'll remember that. - No, you won't.

Turtle Wax.

Yeah, you don't like me, huh?

I'd still like to have you over for dinner, though.

Good night, Charles.

What happened to Mom all of a sudden?

You wanna know what I think?

I think one day that she just decided to go nuts because it's easier that way.

That way she can lie around in the bathtub

and say whatever she wants and hit the scotch whenever she feels like it

and just not do anything.

It's sort of tempting, isn't it?

This is where Laura lives with her husband Jim and his stepdaughter Rebecca.

In college, Jim played football. They used to call him Ox.

(LAUGHS) Can you imagine living with a man named Ox?

- Yes, if she's happy. - She's not happy.

Are you?

What's happy?

Why are you showing me Laura's house?

I thought you might like to see it.

- Do you do this a lot? - No.

- Does she know you're doing it? - I hope not.

Can we go home now?

Sure.

(SAM AND ELISE LAUGHING)

(SAM AND ELISE MOANING)

SAM: Ow!

- Hmm, I might have known. - What?

Uh, Sam and Elise in my bed.

Oh.

(COUGHING)

(SIGHING)

I'm going to bed. Good night.

Good night.

(LAUGHING)

It's gorgeous. Uh, okay, now where should we put it?

Uh, by the window. I think by the window.

It'd be beautiful. Sit there and rock back and forth, look out.

No, by the door?

Well, where?

- What do you think? - Right here.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SMACKS LIPS)

You could be a Cordon Bleu chef, you know.

I always wanted to open a little restaurant.

Why didn't you?

I don't know.

You ever make this before?

Nope.

Promise me you'll never make it for anybody but us.

Come on, I bought you the chair, didn't I? You like it, right?

I love it, but you shouldn't have.

Oh, I didn't buy that for you.

I bought it for me.

You won't come over

- and live with me, right? - Right.

So I have to come over here

- all the time, right? - Right.

- So I need a place to sit, right? - Right.

- So it's my chair. - Wrong, wrong.

- It's my chair. - No, it's not. It's my chair.

It's my chair.

- All right, it's your chair. - Okay.

It's my chair!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I finished the report.

Hey, did you hear anything from Laura lately?

That's right, you know Laura.

Well, just casually from when she used to work here.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since she went back to her husband.

Did you know she went back to her husband?

Yeah, I heard. How's she doing?

Fine, I guess. I didn't see her over the holidays.

Married people are always so busy over the holidays.

Single people are left out in the cold.

(CHUCKLES)

True.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, then.

Okay.

(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

Okay, Laura, when I turn around, be there.

(CHUCKLES)

A problem, Charles.

(LAUGHS) Oh, excuse me, sir, I'm sorry.

Uh, you've met my son?

Oh, no, sir. I've heard you mention him.

He's at Dartmouth, isn't he?

Of course, he wants to be at Harvard, but he didn't get in.

I was thinking that maybe

you knew some poets or singers

or people like that who could help him to loosen up a bit.

Well, sir, right off the top of my head,

I can't think of any poets or singers or anybody

that could help anybody with agonizing over not getting into Harvard.

Well, I think it's actually a sexual problem.

CHARLES: A sexual problem? Yeah, it figures.

(CHUCKLES) But, uh, I'm not as up on these things as he thinks.

Get on it right away, will you?

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, sir.

(SIGHS)

Don't start remembering about Laura. Why not?

Because it drives you crazy. I am crazy.

Oh, right, right, right, yeah.

Go ahead.

Hi.

Hi.

(SIGHS) Gee, you're pretty.

Thanks.

It got late so I ordered.

Good. I don't want anything.

Hmm, you don't know what you're missing.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you have a nice day yesterday?

Yesterday, Sunday?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.

What'd you do?

Just slept late, went over to my mother's house for lunch, which wasn't so great.

Then I went over to Sam's, had a few drinks.

Uh, some of his friends called. We went out and had spaghetti.

I got home around midnight.

What'd you do?

I sat around and waited for you.

Well, maybe you should've said something about it on Saturday night.

I didn't know I had to. I just thought you'd be there like always.

Well, as a matter of fact, I thought of calling you

from the phone booth in the restaurant, but, uh,

there was somebody in it.

(LAUGHING)

Terrific.

Hey, I was...

How much do I owe you?

- Oh, um, you, uh... - Here. Pay me next time.

Uh...

Come on. I wasn't sure whether you cared whether I showed up or not.

I got used to it.

Oh.

I like it when we're together.

So do I.

You still want me to stay at your place?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

In the spare bedroom, okay,

because I'm just... I'm not ready for, you know...

I shouldn't be doing this at all. I mean...

I left Jim to live by myself for a while and really think things out.

- (LAUGHING) - Then all of a sudden, you come along.

Oh, God!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Can I bring my chair?

Yup, you can bring your chair.

We have to take the mattress back to my girlfriend.

We'll take the mattress back.

I get on your nerves, you can kick me out.

- (LAUGHS) - Okay. No.

- Yeah. - Fat chance.

Nice place you got here.

Oh, it was my grandmother's.

She left it to me in her will, along with the fuel bills.

Okay, here's some extra hangers if you need 'em, right?

- Great. - You wanna unpack and everything, right?

- Yeah. - Okay, well, if you need anything,

- just give me a holler, okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Good night. Good night. - Good night.

- Bye. - Bye.

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Laura?

Hi.

Hi.

I can't seem to fall asleep.

Yeah, me neither.

I wanna sleep with you.

I don't have to if you don't want me to.

I want you to.

Do you have a bird feeder?

No, not on me.

Well, do you have one in the yard?

- Yeah, no. - Can we get one?

Sure, if you want one.

Yeah, I like to have birds around.

(IMITATING BIRDS CHIRPING)

(LAUGHING)

We'd probably only get sparrows now, but,

in the spring, we could get, uh, robins.

(LAUGHING) We could get yellow-headed blackbirds.

In the summer, we could get a birdbath.

Oh, don't push it, Charles.

Okay. I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna beg her.

(RINGING)

- Hello? - CHARLES: Hi.

It's a voice from your past.

Charles?

- Uh... - Can you talk?

Uh, yeah. Jim's not here. He's at work.

Why don't you just assume that he's out cheating on you

and, uh, cheat on him with me?

(LAUGHING)

I thought I might as well get right to the point.

Uh, how are you? How have you been?

I'm miserable. I miss you.

Laura, uh, I'd like to see you.

Come on, Laura, I haven't seen you in months.

Okay.

(LAUGHS) Great. When?

What's tomorrow? Is tomorrow Saturday? Tomorrow's good.

Tomorrow is good, yeah.

- Great. - Uh, when?

Rebecca, use the spatula for that. What time?

- Uh, how's 2:00? - 2:00? A perfect time.

Where?

Uh, a parking lot by Rebecca's school.

Charles, we're talking about five minutes, okay?

Uh, no question.

I love you.

I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye.

- What do you have? - I have hope.

- I'm gonna see Laura tomorrow. - What do you have?

Oh, an Almond Joy.

Sam moved in last night. He was fired from his job at the men's store

even though he's been selling a lot of jackets lately.

He's staying here temporarily until he finds another job, that is.

I felt so good about seeing Laura that I let him get away with it.

They always get you when you're up.

(IMITATING BIRDS CHIRPING)

Come and get it.

- What time is it? - It's 12:00 noon.

What time is your date?

- Uh, 2:00. - Are you nervous?

Nah, I'm not nervous.

Can I give you a little advice?

Sure. You're gonna give it to me anyway.

Why don't you get some new clothes?

I don't have any money.

(SIGHING) You've got $15 or $20, don't you?

Everybody's got $15 or $20.

I don't.

What new clothes can you buy with $15 or $20?

A new sweater.

What's wrong with the sweater?

- Look at it. - Nothing that I can see.

- Thank you. - What do you want from a child her age?

She never even went to Woodstock.

Well, neither did we.

We could have.

That's true.

Look, Woodstock was just a bunch of people

walking around in the mud looking for a place to pee.

- What? - I saw the movie.

Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you said you were on the trampoline team in high school.

I was on the trampoline team in high school.

It must've been before it became a competitive sport.

(LAUGHING)

I never said I was any good, you know.

I only joined the team because I was bowlegged.

Somebody told me if you jumped a lot on a trampoline,

it straightened out your bowlegs.

How can jumping up and down on a trampoline straighten out bowlegs?

I was misinformed.

Hey!

(LAUGHS) Hey, that was great.

Is your husband tall and athletic?

(LAUGHS) What?

You heard me.

What do you wanna know for?

I'm curious.

He's 6'3".

I thought so.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, I liked it that Jim was tall.

Yeah, what else did you like about him?

You don't wanna know this.

Sure I do.

I don't know. He was nice to me.

He had the house and Rebecca. I loved her the minute I saw her.

I'd been knocking around by myself for so long, I was sick of it.

I went to his house for dinner on our first date and I never left.

(SIGHS)

He didn't make a lot of demands on me.

If I wanted to work, that was okay.

If I didn't, it was okay.

(SIGHS)

He was real easy to get along with.

Maybe he didn't care.

That's not fair.

Did you ever think that what he may have wanted

was a live-in housekeeper and a mother for Rebecca?

Yeah. Look, I left him, didn't I?

Sort of. You feel guilty about it.

Because he never mistreated me,

he never did some horrible thing to me.

I bet even if he did, you'd think it was your fault.

It probably would've been.

(LAUGHING)

Right. Perfect.

That's not funny.

(MUSIC ON RADIO) In this world, if you read the papers, Lord

You know everybody's fighting on with each other

(MUTTERING)

You got no one you can count on, baby

Not even your own brother

So if someone comes along

He gonna give you some love and affection

I'd say get it while you can

Yeah, honey, get while you can

Janis, how can I get it if she won't come out of her A-frame?

Hey, hey, get it while you can

Don't you turn your back on love...

(TURNS OFF RADIO)

Hi.

I'm sick. I just came to tell you.

What's the matter with you?

Flu, I guess. I ache all over.

You shouldn't have come out.

I thought of you sitting here. I knew you'd wait for hours.

Roll your window up.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Hi.

Oh, don't look at me. I look awful.

You should be in bed.

I know.

I wouldn't have waited for five hours.

Yeah, you would.

And if you'd been home when I called, you wouldn't have believed I was sick.

What are you doing?

Checking to see if you have a temperature.

I think so.

You still haven't gotten your glasses fixed.

- I'm waiting. - For what?

Oh, Charles, I gotta go.

I wish I could take you home and take care of you.

I could rub your back and bring you aspirin.

We could watch TV together in bed.

During the commercials, I could bring you liquids.

That'd be some Saturday night.

That would be a perfect Saturday night.

Sure, we could ask Jim to change the channels.

(SIGHING) I'm sorry.

I'm sick. I'll see you another time.

- Promise? - Mmm-hmm.

I'll follow you home. You're too sick to drive. Okay?

- Okay. - You'll call me?

- Yeah, I'll call. - I love you.

I know.

CHARLES: Maybe she is sick. Maybe she isn't sick.

I still love her.

Hi, Ox, old buddy. I bet that sweater set you back more than 15 or 20 bucks.

(HEADLIGHT SHATTERING)

(SIGHING)

Hey, you okay, pal?

I'm okay, pal.

You, uh, seem to have broken a headlight, or was it like that before?

(LAUGHS)

Well, I, uh... I guess I can't do anything about that either.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

OX: You're wedged against the tree. Hold on. I'll give you a push.

You're okay now. Go on.

(LAUGHING)

(SAM PLAYING PIANO)

- Whose car? - SAM: Susan's boyfriend.

A Cadillac?

He's gonna be a doctor, isn't he? I guess they start early.

SUSAN: Oh, good. I was afraid we were gonna miss you.

Mark, this is Charles.

- How do you do? - Glad to meet you.

Nice to meet you. You leaving already, huh?

Mark wants to get an early start.

Oh, Sue, Sue, if you put the sweater more like this,

it's against the crevice, see?

(SOFTLY) Okay.

A cup of coffee before you go or anything?

I take no artificial stimulants.

A glass of milk?

I'm loaded with calcium for the day. Thank you.

We're gonna stop by Mom's later, so we'll probably get something there.

- (LAUGHING) - Yeah, some Hawaiian Punch.

I'm sorry I can't accept your hospitality, Charles,

but I do want to meet your mother and stepfather.

Okay.

We better skedaddle, okay?

I think we'll meet you outside in a second, okay?

- Okay. - All right. Goodbye.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Do you like him?

He's one of the most incredible men I've ever met.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

Susan. Susan always appears to be happy and normal.

She must know something.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm sorry this took so long, sir,

but this ought to do it for your son.

It's, uh... Especially Get It While You Can on side two.

Uh, Janis Joplin. Get It While You Can.

Well, I'll take a chance and send it. Thanks, Charles.

- Yes, sir. - I knew you'd come through.

- Hi. - Hi.

I don't know how I can eat this after the dinner I had at Laura's last night.

(STAMMERING) You were at dinner at Laura's last night?

Uh-huh.

- How is she? - She's fine.

She had the flu a couple of weeks ago, but she's fine now.

Wait a minute.

I just wish she weren't such a good cook, though.

(LAUGHS) I'm trying to lose weight,

but with dinners like that, I'll never make it.

What did she cook?

Uh, Lobster Newburg. It was delicious.

- With rice? - Mmm-hmm, with rice.

Yes, and she had a very nice salad with an unusual dressing.

What about dessert?

- Dessert? - Come into my office.

Oh. Okay.

I don't see anything for me.

Oh, I just meant just to talk.

So what about dessert?

Dessert? Oh, um, it was a fruit compote thing with liqueur in it.

It was very refreshing.

How come you're so interested in what Laura served for dinner?

I'm not. I'm, uh, interested in menus

because I'm thinking of having a few people over

for a... Like a party one of these evenings.

Maybe you could come.

(LAUGHS) No, I don't like big parties.

Just a few people.

Oh, more like a get-together?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Oh, well, that sounds nice.

(LAUGHS)

I could come early, Charles, to help you get organized.

I mean, help you fix the hors d'oeuvres.

- Hors d'oeuvres? - Mmm-hmm.

Great.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, okay then. Let me know when.

I will.

Hey, what do you have?

A headache. Laura promised me she'd call when she was well, and she didn't.

Hey, what do you have?

Oh. Peanut butter cup.

Why do I always have to ask you twice, huh?

- I'm sorry. - Gee.

CHARLES: I read an article in a magazine about Jacques Cousteau.

He had this dolphin that he was working with that liked him so much

that she always had her head out of the water.

Then she got sunburned.

Christ, even if you're a dolphin lover, you get a headache.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER)

Home sweet home.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Mom?

CLARA: Coming.

I dressed myself.

- Wow, you look great! - Thanks.

- Where's Pete? - He went to Atlanta.

- Atlanta? - Atlanta.

One of my men might be gone...

But I have two others.

Can we sit down?

How are your parents, Sam?

Where are they living?

Well, my father's living in an apartment on Lee Road

and my mother's still in the house.

Did you hear that, Charles? Sam's parents don't live together.

You knew that, Mom.

Sam's parents haven't lived together since Sam and I were in the eighth grade.

I certainly did not know that.

That must make you very sad, Sam.

- I'm accustomed to it. - Brave boy.

Do you want me to get the food, Mother?

What food?

The turkey.

There isn't any turkey.

Well, whatever it is that you prepared,

would you like me to go into the kitchen and get it?

I didn't prepare anything. There isn't any dinner.

(LAUGHING) There isn't any dinner!

I guess the joke's on us.

(CLARA AND SAM LAUGHING)

That's right. The joke's on you.

- Isn't my old lady a gas? - (LAUGHS)

It was a little bizarre, but it was nice to see your mother

enjoying herself for a change.

Christ, poor Pete.

Why "poor Pete"?

He's probably somewhere in Atlanta eating his dinner right now.

"Poor Pete" because he has to live with her.

I don't feel sorry for him.

At least he has someone to care for.

Laura didn't want anybody to know about us.

As she pointed out more often than necessary,

she was still married to another guy.

So she made me drop her off two blocks from work every morning

so nobody would catch on. Pretty crafty, huh?

- Bye. - Wait a minute.

- Bye. - Wait a minute.

(GIGGLING)

Wait a minute.

Why do you like me so much?

I don't know. I don't know.

I guess 'cause you got beautiful green eyes and your hair is, uh, wrinkled.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You understand the Dewey Decimal System, don't you?

- Yeah. - That's why I like you.

- See you. - Goodbye.

That night for dinner, when he came home,

his mother put the dog on the table and said, "What's this?"

And the dog was like...

- (BOTH LAUGHING) - It's frozen to death.

CHARLES: The only one who knew about us was Sam.

Of course it was a true story. I wouldn't tell it unless it was a true story.

I was a little nervous about that one.

(MUSIC ON RADIO) Skylark

Have you anything to say to me?

How'd you like Sam?

He's funny.

Yeah, all the women go for Sam.

You're kidding?

Is there a meadow in the mist

CHARLES: Say what you want, it was perfect.

Where's he just waiting to be kissed?

Skylark

Have you seen a valley green with spring

Where my heart can go a-journeying

Over the shadows and rain?

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

That's it. Let him... That's it. Why don't you leave the court?

You're doing great, great.

I'm going for a ride. You wanna come?

Where to, as if I didn't know?

Sam, why don't you get yourself another job?

Why don't you get yourself another girl?

Get some beer. That's good.

That's good.

CHARLES: All right, maybe things weren't exactly perfect.

Little signs here and there, you know.

Don't wait for me after work today.

I have a doctor's appointment.

What doctor? What's wrong?

Dr. Davis. Nothing's wrong.

Could I have some cream, please?

Are you sick?

Un-uh, it's a regular checkup. Miss, cream.

What kind of doctor is he?

A gynecologist.

Are you late?

(LAUGHING) Am I late?

- Yeah? - No, it's a regular checkup.

I go to see him once a year.

Today's the day I happen to have the appointment.

Do you want me to drive you there?

Nope, he's right in the medical building in the Square.

I'll walk from work.

Well, what time are you finished? I'll pick you up afterwards.

Charles, you wanna be with me 24 hours a day.

(EXCLAIMS)

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. It's one of two things that I like to do by myself.

One of them is go to the gynecologist.

Hi.

I think you're right, Laura.

I think we are together too much.

It isn't natural.

So I've made some plans for the next couple of weeks,

and they don't include you.

Good.

But I don't want you to feel neglected.

But I don't see why I should have to give up drinking with the guys, do you?

What guys? You mean Sam?

Sam isn't my only friend, Laura.

I have a lot of friends, most of whom I've yet to meet.

And my bowling night?

I don't see why I should have to give up my bowling night, do you?

I love you, Laura, but I'm not gonna sacrifice everything.

And Saturday night, I'll be playing poker with the guys.

Same guys?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

And if you don't like 'em, you can keep it to yourself.

And I don't wanna hear any more about the fact that I'm always neglecting you

because I'm always out with the guys.

- You're asking for it. - You can't take it, can you?

- Yeah, I can take it. - No, you can't.

I think I can.

(LAUGHING)

Are you seeing someone else?

- What? - You can tell me.

Let go of me!

Then why so mysterious about a doctor's appointment?

I wasn't!

You scare me.

You scare me, too, the way you're acting.

Dr. Davis is a gynecologist.

I go to see him once a year!

It was a regular checkup. He found nothing wrong.

Dr. Davis? Dr. Davis? I know Dr. Davis.

Tall, distinguished, good-looking, older but still attractive,

gray hair, took a little too long examining your breasts.

I'm going over to Dr. Davis' house tomorrow

and I'm gonna beat the shit out of him

and then I'm gonna come back here and I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.

I was only kidding. I'm not really gonna beat you up.

(SIGHING)

CHARLES: I guess she thought I was weird sometimes.

Not in general, though.

In general, she loved me.

If she still loves me, I'll get her back.

She has to still love me.

She just has to.

- You got beer. - Yeah.

I don't believe it. You know how sick this is?

You slink over to Laura's house every night, and now this?

What's the point of it?

There isn't any point.

Ah, you just intend doing it anyway.

Yeah, I intend doing it anyway.

Charles, go over to Laura's house, ring the bell, ask her if she's coming back,

and get an answer once and for all.

Uh-uh.

Why not?

Well, because I don't want no for an answer.

(SIGHS)

The days go by, but Laura doesn't call.

I go to work. I go to my mother's.

(CRYING)

I go home.

Good night, Ox.

Good night, Laura.

Good night, Charles.

Good night, Sam.

Hmm.

Guess she'll have to go to a foster home.

I might as well tell you the rest of what happened.

By this time, Laura and I'd been together for almost

two months.

She still made me the famous dessert.

- (EXCLAIMING) - Hey, wait till it cools!

(LAURA LAUGHING)

It serves you right.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no!

She'd never been to a skin flick,

and she insisted I take her to one.

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

Is this one more disgusting than usual?

It's about average.

Wanna go?

No.

You're prettier than she is.

Oh, now I'm prettier than a porno star.

Will you stop it?

What did I say? All I said was that you're prettier than...

I am not prettier than she is.

We go to a movie, you say I'm prettier than the movie stars.

We go to the best restaurant in town,

you say I'm a better cook than the chef.

You have this exalted view of me, and I hate it.

If you think I'm that great, there must be something wrong with you.

I don't think you're that great.

As a matter of fact, there's quite a few things about you that I don't like.

Yeah? Name one.

Well, the fact... The way you're talking to me right now, for example.

All right, the fact that you happen to have such a lousy opinion of yourself.

I don't have a lousy opinion of myself.

I do not have a lousy opinion of myself!

I have a realistic opinion of myself.

I'm an ordinary person!

I can't live up to this thing that you have about me.

What "thing"?

In fact, I'm worse than an ordinary person,

since I left a perfectly decent man for no good reason.

No good reason?

You weren't happy. That's the only reason anybody leaves anybody.

I'm not very happy right now.

I'm sorry.

I decided to be more casual about things.

But before I had a chance, another bomb dropped.

Did you play with Tara?

Uh-huh.

Hold on, hon.

Would you excuse me? It's kind of a private call.

Oh, sure. You want me to close this?

Yeah, thanks.

I'm here.

Can I call you tomorrow?

Sorry.

CHARLES: Why didn't I meet you first?

LAURA: I don't know.

I wish you had.

You do?

But you didn't.

Are you leaving me?

Yes.

No, you're not.

(CRUNCH)

Oh, God, your glasses.

- Forget the glasses. - It's okay.

Forget the glasses! Forget the glasses!

LAURA: I can fix it.

Laura...

Laura, we're good together.

We have fun together.

But we don't even have to do anything and we have fun together.

I love you. I wanna marry you.

(SIGHING)

We can get custody of Rebecca.

So what if he's her father?

He's probably a lousy father.

He's a good father.

We can have our own children, Laura.

We could sell this place, and we could get a restaurant,

and we could... You could be a chef,

and all you have to do is take the chance.

(SOBBING)

(CHUCKLES) I mean, it's... It's not the hundred-yard dash.

It doesn't make any difference who got there first.

I'm talking about a lifetime between us, together.

These'll hold you until you get to the optician.

Why would you choose someone who loves you too little

over someone who loves you too much?

Because it makes me feel less of a fraud.

I'm gonna rape you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

She left that night.

It will be a year on March 19th.

(SIGHING)

I thought you were going to Unemployment.

- I went. - In your pajamas?

I changed back again. If I'm gonna be depressed,

I might as well be comfortable.

Charles, I have something to tell you. It's not too pleasant.

Your mother's in the bin again.

It seems she went on a crying jag and ate a whole cart of laxatives.

Pete called?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

(HUMMING)

I was demonstrating how to turn.

- Go ahead. - I already did.

Charles, I'm going home tomorrow.

They knew it was a mistake to put me here.

(SIGHS) That's great.

How do you feel?

- I'm not dead. - Yeah.

You were my first baby.

(CLEARING THROAT)

I want you to meet a very fine friend, Mrs. Delillo.

How do you do?

The Lord have mercy on your soul.

Thank you.

Do you smoke?

Matches?

Are you allowed to have matches?

What good are cigarettes without matches?

Good point.

(GASPS)

(GIGGLING)

Come here, Charles.

Bye.

Pete wants me to take dancing lessons.

You should. It sounds great.

Hey, do you hear that, honey?

I enrolled us at the Alexis Dance Studio.

We're gonna learn all the new disco dances, huh?

CHARLES: Yeah, that's great.

Too bad the class is filled, or we could bring him along, huh?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I don't think he'd...

Oh, you mean he wants you to go, but he won't go?

Sure I'd go. It sounds like a lot of fun.

It's just, uh, too bad that the class is full.

I could call. I mean, maybe there's a cancellation.

- Where'd you get those ribbons? - When the nurse put it on me,

I said, "Oh, the yellow ribbon at the old oak tree."

To tie a yellow ribbon on the old oak tree...

And I sang...

Tie a green ribbon round the old oak tree...

Uh, mine's a real song.

So is mine!

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh!

PETE: Mommy always knows her music, huh?

(SCOFFS)

Miss Delillo knows her music, too.

DELILLO: Thank you.

Sorry I made Mommy upset.

I had to keep on the good side of that woman in there.

Mrs. Delillo?

Yeah, she's a dog killer. A cat killer. Yeah.

She had a house full of cats and dogs. She killed them all.

I don't know the details.

I'll be glad to get Mommy home and away from her, you know.

- You never know. - (SIGHS) Oh, Christ.

Yeah. I'm glad what you said about dancing lessons sounding good.

Yeah, well, I only said that because I didn't want Mommy... Mother to think...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I know she probably won't go anyway, huh?

Oh, she wouldn't go alone.

(HUMMING)

Shh, Pete!

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Blue moon Now I'm no longer alone

(LAUGHING)

Without a dream in my heart

Without a love of my own

(LAUGHING)

Hey, that was... That was really great. You're a great dancer.

(CHUCKLES) I'm a great dancer.

Ah, in my day, I wasn't bad.

Hey.

Charles, you know what I want?

- You know what I really want? - Nope.

A new car. A Subaru.

Well, why don't you get one? Your car's getting pretty old.

- You think so, huh? - Yeah, I do.

- You could use a new car. - Hmm.

Did you and Mom used to dance like that?

Sure. What do you think, huh?

She was the prettiest girl on the floor, too.

Yeah?

I guess you want me to get a new car, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, people should get what they want once in a while, huh?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

- I'll see you. - Okay.

(ALL CHATTERING)

CHARLES: Maybe I could wait around 10 or 15 years for Rebecca

because it sure doesn't look like I'm gonna get Laura.

Betty, why can't I love Betty?

She's nice. She likes me. She doesn't have a husband.

Yeah.

Go talk to Betty.

Put a little romance in your life.

- Hi. - Hi. Is that your lunch?

Yeah, I'm trying to lose 12 pounds.

I was just reading this and they've got a whole section this month on dips.

- Dips? - Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) For your party. I mean, your get-together.

Oh, right, right, dips.

You might not want dips.

No, no, no, dips would be fine.

Well, most people like them.

And the people on diets, well, they can just eat the vegetables.

Do you think it'll be on a weekend or on a weeknight?

I mean, it doesn't matter.

Well, I don't know. A weekend, I guess.

(CHUCKLES) That's what I thought.

Yeah, well, now I'll get back to work.

Do you have anything for me?

Betty, I don't have anything for you.

I wish I did, but I don't.

Don't worry about it.

I still have to finish the one you gave me this morning.

Right.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

What a winsome guy.

I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna win.

Just keep moving.

(SAM CHUCKLES)

SAM: This is it? CHARLES: Yeah, this is it. Come on.

SAM: May I ask why we're doing this?

CHARLES: Well, I wanna see what I'm up against. Come on.

Look at this thing.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi there.

- Hi. - Jim Connelly.

Hi. My name's Charles Richardson, and this is my friend,

Sam McQuire. We were interested in an A-frame.

Great. We build 40 different models.

We modify or customize to suit your lifestyle.

SAM: I thought they came to a point.

CHARLES: Ox appears to be a nice dull guy.

But then I'm a nice dull guy.

You know you lose a lot of headroom upstairs.

We want a lot of headroom.

My wife and I live in one, though.

- Oh, you're married? - Uh-huh.

- You mind if I smoke? - Uh, as a matter of fact, I do.

What do you guys do?

I'm a civil servant.

Oh, unemployed jacket salesman.

I see. Listen, I'll be glad to show you around.

CHARLES: She has a choice between an oversized nice dull guy

or a medium-sized nice dull guy.

(CHARLES LAUGHS)

Poor Laura.

You're looking at $45,000.

Are you insulting us?

Hey, not at all. Why don't I show you around?

Great. Come on, Charles.

Now you'll see that the kitchen is directly related to the living area.

- Oh, that's good. - Uh-huh. Now, the walls are solid cedar.

- Good. Mmm-hmm. - The beams are Douglas fir.

The ceiling is hemlock or spruce.

Isn't this the same room?

As a matter of fact, it is.

Where're you living now, Charlie?

I, uh... I live on Kenmore Road, Jimmy.

Yeah, that's a nice street.

Are you renting or what?

- No, I own my own house. - Ah.

And how about you, Sam?

Oh, I live with Charlie.

Of course. Sorry.

Why?

Does it look odd, our living together?

I don't think it's anybody's business.

It's no trouble. If you wanna see a traditional A-frame,

I'll be glad to show you mine.

It's about 10 minutes from here,

- if you wanna follow me. - Be glad to, sure.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Hey, don't I recognize that headlight somewhere?

Did you bump into a tree recently?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

- You mean that was... - That was you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, then.

All right, all right. Good.

SAM: We'll follow you.

- Laura? - Yeah, up here.

We have company, babe.

Remember that time that guy ran into the tree out in front?

Well, here he is. Let me take your coats.

They were over looking at an A-frame.

I kept thinking, jeez, this guy looks familiar,

but I just couldn't place him.

Uh, she must have something on the stove.

Make yourselves comfortable. I'll see what's going on.

(DOOR CLOSING)

He calls her "babe."

I noticed.

Now we're gonna have a couple of drinks.

Try to be a little friendlier. They're very touchy.

- They're gay. - They're what?

Bring in some potato chips and pretzels and stuff.

They're real interested in an A-frame.

She'll bring some goodies in.

Boy, I wish you guys had been here last week.

She made pâté. Have you ever had homemade pâté?

Yes.

Charlie, why don't you go help Mrs. Connelly?

He's fantastic in the kitchen.

- No, no, no. - Go on.

- Go ahead. He's shy. Go ahead. - No, I don't feel like it.

- Go ahead. Okay. - Okay.

Excuse me.

(DOOR CLOSING)

- What is this? - Let me do this.

Answer me one question, huh? Are you happy?

I guess I have my answer.

I don't deserve to be happy.

How can you say that?

(SHUSHING) Fix the ice.

- Does he know about us? - No!

Where does he think you were for two months last winter?

With friends. I told him I stayed with friends,

and he just accepted it.

That's the way he is.

Oh, Christ. And I would have made you account for every minute, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Now, see, the lumber is measured in Washington.

- Uh-huh. - Right over here, Charlie.

Yeah, what're you guys gonna have?

- Scotch rocks all around? - Fine.

Doubles? I'm having a double.

I'll keep you company.

On second thought, I'd rather have a Coke if you have one.

- Sure. - I like to keep my wits about me.

That's right. We can't have you bumping into any more trees, can we?

(SAM LAUGHING)

Say, babe, where's Rebecca?

Playing up the street.

OX: Oh, that's too bad.

You guys are gonna miss her.

Ah, maybe next time.

Here you go.

Cheers.

Well, here we are.

I read an article in the paper the other day.

You wanna hear about it?

About some doctor in some South American country somewhere

who pulled a woman's eyes out of the sockets,

picked off all the tumors, cleaned them up,

put the eyes back in again.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) That's sickening.

Did it cure her migraines?

Uh-huh. And her double vision.

Ah, I get it. You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding. I wish I was, actually.

You're right, it is disgusting. But it was some time ago.

It was in the same paper that some representative of Frank Zappa

was quoted as saying that Frank Zappa had not had a bowel movement on stage.

You can learn all kinds of interesting tidbits by reading the paper.

- (LAUGHING) - For example, did you know that

if you take yogurt and you spread it on your nipples, it makes 'em pink?

SAM: I didn't know that.

Let's pick up some yogurt on the way home.

CHARLES: Right. SAM: Now you're talking.

(SIGHING)

I love Laura.

What?

You heard me. I love your wife.

I love Laura.

Well, you show very good taste.

- It's not a joke. - SAM: Now, Charles...

It's not a joke!

SAM: Come on, Charles.

I think you'd better leave now, pal.

CHARLES: I love Laura!

- I love her. - SAM: Yeah, come on, Charles.

- Just kidding. Will you, please... - I love Laura!

- Get him outta here! - Just a minute. I was invited.

- I know you were invited. - But I love Laura. I wanna marry her.

I'm gonna marry her.

- Creeps. - Bye.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I was pretty good in there, wasn't I?

Yeah, you were great. Get in the car.

He can't say I didn't warn him.

Right. Get in the car.

Man, are you gonna be suffering when you come down.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hi.

- These creeps in bars. - I know.

Women don't like me anymore.

I don't understand it.

Sam, I didn't blow it in there with Laura, did I?

I wouldn't say you blew it, no.

All right.

After what I did, she's got to know that I love her, right?

Whatever doubts she had are definitely cleared up.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

She'll call me.

Hi, Mom.

Are you getting married?

What? Why would you ask that?

I'm going to sleep.

No, I'm not getting married.

How do you feel?

I'm not dead.

I'm glad.

Young people don't want to get married anymore.

Do you remember your dad?

Of course I remember him.

He had a heart attack on a bus when he was 39.

I know.

And look at me, I... I'm not dead yet.

That's good. I want you to live a nice, long life.

(SNIFFLING)

Thank you, Charles.

You're as good-looking as your dad was.

Thank you, Mother.

Have you still got a job?

Uh-huh.

Well, then... Then why can't you find a girl?

I don't know. I'm working on it, though.

The weeks go by and Laura still hasn't called.

(SIGHING)

Sam. Sam?

Yeah?

I feel crummy.

I got drunk last night. I started thinking about Laura

and how stupidly I acted and I couldn't get any sleep.

Well, why don't you... Why don't you call in sick?

I don't wanna do that. What I want you to do is

I want you to go to the grocery store.

I want you to buy the groceries,

and I want you to fix the dinner, okay?

- Okay. - I left $20 on the kitchen table.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Yeah, don't worry about anything. - Okay.

- Okay. - Good.

- Sam? - Okay.

How do you feel about Rumaki?

- What? - Rumaki...

Oh, water chestnuts wrapped in bacon.

Now I know we're planning some dips,

but I thought we might also have a selection of hot hors d'oeuvres.

Listen, I had a bad night last night, I didn't get a lot of sleep,

and I don't feel like talking about hors d'oeuvres and dips right now

if you don't mind.

Okay, then. Shall I come in later?

(SIGHS) No.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Charles. I've been looking for you since 9:00.

I was late today, sir.

Oh, any special reason?

Yes, sir, because I... I didn't get here on time.

(LAUGHS) Oh, sure, I see.

I just wanted to say that the kid is doing better, Janis Joplin and all.

I'll keep you posted.

I wish you wouldn't.

Uh, what?

Sir, I don't feel that your son's sexual problems are any of my business

and I don't wanna hear about them anymore.

You got a point there, Charles.

Integrity, that's... That's the ticket.

Well, I'll let you get back to work.

You want this shut?

Please.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Betty? Betty, Betty, Betty, Betty.

How about coming over to my house for dinner tonight?

- I'm a little tired tonight. - Ah, come on. Come on.

I have a friend staying with me. He can fix the dinner.

- We'll have a mini-party. - I don't think so.

Rehearsal for the real thing.

No. No.

We can discuss the hors d'oeuvres situation.

Okay. I mean, if you'd really like me to.

Yeah, I really would.

Oh, can I get my notebook?

It's right upstairs. Is that okay?

'Cause I've got all my lists and certain recipes, too.

- Excuse me. Two minutes. Sorry. - Right.

(SIGHING)

What do you want?

What do I want?

I wanna marry Laura. That's what I want. I thought everybody knew that.

I'd be willing just to date her. I'd even settle for living with her.

That's what I want. What do I want?

Let's talk about what I have, huh?

You know what I have? I have...

I have an unemployed jacket salesman living in my spare room.

I have a mother who won't get out of the bathtub.

I have a stepfather...

I have a stepfather who wants me to take disco lessons.

I have a sister who always wants me to be happy.

And you know what else I have?

I have a typist who wants me to throw parties so that she can make dips.

And I have a boss.

I have a boss... Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Shh!

I have a boss... I have this boss...

- Yeah. - ...that wants me to give his son

advice on his sexual problems.

Oh, you've been up all night.

That always makes everything look worse.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, sure.

I thought I was having a nervous breakdown there for a minute, you know?

Oh.

- I'm gonna go home and sleep. Thanks. - Yup, it's a good idea.

- Lots of sleep. - Yeah, thank you. Thanks a lot.

Sure.

Ah, the breadwinner's home.

Hi, Sam. Sam, this is Betty. Betty, Sam.

- Hello. - Hi.

What's with all the wine?

Oh, I stopped by the liquor store.

They were having a sale on Cabernet Sauvignon. $3.50 a bottle.

I figured that's a pretty good price, 3.50.

So I just picked up a couple of bottles and then...

- Sam, where's the dinner? - Dinner?

The dinner, the food?

Did you spend the $20 at the liquor store?

No, not entirely, no.

It must be wonderful having a roommate to share expenses with and all.

Yeah, well, except in my house, it didn't quite work out that way.

I pay for everything.

You're a kindhearted person.

(CHUCKLING)

Yes. I'll go get the milk.

Well, everything is delicious, Charles. Very tasty.

Thank you.

I can't get over how many men cook these days.

Well, it's either that or go out.

Oh, what a darling dollhouse.

You know, it looks just like the one Laura used to live in.

Very sharp, Betty.

Sam, what are you doing?

Don't worry, they go out before they hit.

I was in physics, remember?

Wait a minute. What do you mean used to?

Did they move?

Oh, no, she did. She moved out.

She seemed pretty unhappy about it

because of the little girl.

Did you ever meet the little girl?

- She brought her by work one day. - Wait a minute.

She couldn't have moved. Where did she move to?

I don't know. I forget the name of the street.

That one didn't go out.

Here.

CHARLES: You're kidding me.

You're kidding me, right? You're pulling my leg, right?

Did I say something wrong?

Sam, Laura left him.

She... She didn't call me.

Don't worry, she'll call.

I didn't know you knew her so well.

Oh, I just had no idea that they weren't still living together.

What happened?

- Look, the water's dripping on this... - What happened?

I don't know!

She just said that she'd left him

and she'd moved into this apartment.

Yeah, but is there a phone?

- Did she... Do you have a phone number? - It's unlisted.

Charles, I've got it somewhere.

Where is it? Where is it? Do you have it with you?

- It's in my purse. - Where's your purse?

- It's over there! - Where?

Over there!

Here. Can you give it to me?

Can you get it for me?

Could you hurry up? She might die.

It's under "C."

I know. I know it's under "C."

Good night, Betty. Thank you very much for everything.

- I appreciate it. - Good night, Charles.

- The keys are in the car? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot.

I really appreciate it. Good night.

Good night.

(SIGHS)

She left him!

That ought to do it.

Gift-wrapped, please.

- Gift wrap the Turtle Wax? - Yeah.

Don't beg her to come back.

Don't beg her to come back.

Don't tell her that she's beautiful.

(LAUGHS) That's a rough one.

- Hi. - Hi.

Come on in.

These are for you. You're sort of attractive.

I'm what?

Well, I remember you telling me you don't like me to tell you you're beautiful.

Tulips.

They're lovely. Thanks.

Who lives here?

My roommate, Frances. A graduate student.

Hmm.

Are you staying?

Oh, yeah.

You look great.

Thanks, so do you.

Oh... Can I get you something,

coffee, tea, a drink?

(COUGHS) No, no, no, not right now.

Kitchen, eh? On my way over here,

I remembered that dessert you used to make,

the chocolate and orange thing.

Oh, I remember the one you mean.

Come over sometime, I'll make it for you.

What do you mean "sometime"?

You coming back to me?

I'm not gonna do anything.

I'm gonna think about things and try to make the right choices for once.

Was going back to your husband the wrong choice?

Definitely.

So maybe leaving me was the wrong choice, too.

Maybe.

Don't you remember the fun we had?

Remember the chair, your chair?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, my chair. Do you still have that?

Sure I still have it.

You don't think I'd let anything happen to it, do you?

- No. - Do you remember the trampoline?

Yeah, I remember everything. It was fun.

Well, then come back to me.

I don't know.

Is there somebody else?

Nobody I'm serious about.

Who?

I just went out with this guy a couple of times.

Who?

A taxi driver. I went out with him for a couple of drinks.

Two times?

Yeah, two.

Where would you meet a taxi driver?

In his taxi.

You're kidding. You picked him up?

Oh, look, I don't want to get into an argument.

I'm feeling very low right now.

I don't have a home. I don't have a job.

I couldn't make my marriage work. I've lost Rebecca!

My whole life is falling apart in front of me,

and I don't need you to start in on me!

Yeah, but, well, how the hell am I supposed to feel?

You get in a cab and you pick up the driver!

So what?

Yeah, so what?

I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna talk about this.

Please go home.

Will I see you again?

I'll call you.

Can I call you?

I wish you wouldn't. I promise I'll call.

We're not gonna do it that way, Laura.

I'm not gonna sit and wait for you to call.

I'm not gonna wait for you to think things over.

I did that for a year and I almost went crazy

and I have no intention of going crazy.

I know you're scared. So am I.

That's why I ask you all these stupid questions.

But I love you and I want us to be together.

I wanna marry you,

but you have to make up your mind.

So, what is it? Is it yes or is it no?

Goodbye, Laura.

Take care of yourself.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

SAM: Hey, you're home.

Yeah.

How did it go?

Uh...

It's...

- It's over. - Oh, no.

What happened?

Nothing.

Nothing. It's just over.

Oh, gee.

Where are you?

I'm in a phone booth.

We're going to the movies, but I can come home if you want.

Oh, no, no, go to the movies.

Yeah, she's nice.

Charles, I'm really sorry about Laura.

- Yeah. - Are you okay?

- Have fun. - Yeah, see you.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHING)

It's over.

Yeah, it's over.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

CHARLES: It's not that it doesn't still hurt,

it's that you get used to it.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(SIGHING)

- Uh, what do you have? - Oh Henry!