Original subtitles

[music]

[phone ringing]

[clears throat]

[deep voice] Jere--

Hello?

M-Ma'am, ma'am, can you stop screaming

into the phone, please?

Th-thank you.

Yes, yes, this is he, Je-Jeremy Washington,

father of Phillip Washington.

Yeah, yeah.

He what?

Oh my goodness.

I am beyond disappointed in my son, Phillip Washington,

because I am his father.

Yeah. No, don't worry, don't worry.

I'll deal with it.

I'll--I'll, uh...

I'll break--break both his legs,

because that is what you do to discipline your son.

Yes, okay, thank--thank you.

God bless America. Yes we can.

[whispers] Killed it!

That lady was not a stranger, Jeremy.

Yes, she was.

I met her before.

Yeah, you met her before we went in the store,

in the parking lot.

It's not that big of a deal.

You asked her could you hold her baby.

Looked like she needed some help.

She was nursing!

Hey, Leah. Hey, Jeremy.

-Hm? -Scuse?

My friend's mom is a teen psychologist,

and she says that calling parents by their first names

helps with separation anxiety.

Oh, oh, okay, well, that's some new generation stuff.

We old school.

That'll get you hurt and us in jail.

Now, why you carrying that big-old bag?

Why didn't you tell Phillip to bring it in?

-Phillip came home early. -Oh, he didn't have practice?

I guess not.

Oh, what's in your bag?

Just some stuff from my locker.

Starting to clear things out.

Oh, my baby is graduating.

I'm gonna be out, Miss Independent, grown.

Uh, you not grown until you stop asking for money.

Okay, well, that probably won't be until I get my AARP card.

Hey, yo. Is this somebody kissing on you?

I told you about him.

That's the guy who asked to take a selfie with me

and snuck one in.

You don't look surprised by it at all.

And you--and you framed it.

I frame all my photos.

Mm-hmm.

Did you really just take a curling iron

out of your bag?

You really need this stuff at school?

Yeah. How do you think I stay looking so good?

I'm out.

She don't even have curls.

I was thinking...

you and I could have a mother-daughter day.

You know, there's a funny movie out.

We could...have some popcorn,

some laughs, some gossip!

Sorry, Mom, but I'm going out with my girls tonight.

Oh yeah? Where to?

A funny movie.

Hm, um, well...

Maybe we can--we can go to the mall tomorrow.

I heard they're having some great sales.

Ooh, great idea!

Mmm, okay!

Okay, I will sure wear my best drip.

[laughs] 'Cause I know--

I know you don't like me looking old, so...

I mean, you can wear a nightgown if you want, Mom.

No one's gonna see you drop me off.

I'm just gonna meet my friends there.

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪♪

[somber music on TV]

[sniffs]

Babe, you know these kids?

No, it's just a really cute commercial.

Here we go, Bears Gone Bad.

Oh, look at the little cubs!

I need to find a horror flick or something, sci-fi, you trippin'.

[laughs]

Oh, you went to Babble and Booties!

Aww...

They had a big sale on baby clothes.

Whew! It ain't mine.

Yeah, I think it's a little too late for that, Vinny.

Hell if it ain't, man. I'm still fertile.

I could populate a small island in under five years flat.

That old seed would need a whole lot of sunlight

to generate enough potency to produce any offspring, Vinny.

My boys can swim.

Oh, look at-- these are so cute!

I bought them for my great niece.

She was born 7 pounds, 3 ounces.

Oh, honey! Aw, that's like--like Sandra!

[sighs] I've forgotten what it's like to have a baby around.

I haven't.

Sleepless nights, long days, poopy diapers,

-and most importantly-- -[Both] No booty.

My fourth husband wanted me to have a child,

but I told him I couldn't risk it

coming out looking like him.

Oh, his face was the best birth control ever.

That's cold. That is cold.

Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and, uh, pack these up

and get them shipped out.

Aww...

I'm gonna pack these up and get them shipped out.

I can help you wrap them. I can fold them.

That's--that's quite all right, Leah.

I don't think they'll make it to the box.

Let me just put it in here. Look at the baby--hey!

[babbles]

Whoa, whoa, boy,

what in the hell is wrong with you, man?

-You wanna draw back a nub? -I can't go back.

-What? -No, no Lord, no, uh-uh.

I'm too old to be starting over.

What are you talking about, man?

I've already trained my little minions

to swim in the opposite direction!

Man, what is wrong with you, man?

You've been in my damn stuff?

No.

I think Leah got baby fever.

Well, then hell, take her to the doctor.

See if he can find a cure for women in heat, man.

That's all you gotta-- and give me this.

This ain't nothin' to play with.

This'll bring fire to your penis, boy!

[music]

My ear's ringing.

[music]

Oh, my gosh.

I told Mom and Dad you came home early

'cause you weren't feeling well.

Well, good.

I did say that, so I guess you didn't lie.

You know, when the school calls

and Mom and Dad find out the truth,

not only are you gonna be suspended,

but you may have to get used to rolling around on a wheelchair

when they're finished with you.

Look, uh, the school already called and I handled it.

What did you say?

Well, I--I pretended to be dad.

And when they broke the news, I got mad and was like,

[deep voice] don't worry, I'm gonna break both his legs.

-That sounds nothing like Dad. -You don't think so?

-[Sandra] Not at all. -What about this?

[deep voice] Yes we can. God bless America.

Sounds like Grandpa. [giggles]

Hey look, I handled it, okay? Just don't say anything.

I won't, unless they ask me. And then it's snitch city.

[knocking on door]

One second!

Shh, shh, shh!

[exhales quickly]

Come in!

Sweetie?

[groans]

Sandra said you came home early.

Yeah...

[hacks, coughs]

Yeah, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, this was the little book that I read to you

when you were little!

Oh!

You okay, Mom?

Mm-hmm, yup!

Just--oh, probably just coming down with whatever Phillip has.

Stupiditis is not contagious.

[groans]

Okay, I'll call the school.

No, no!

[groans, coughs]

No, no, no.

I can just bring a note on Monday.

Okay, I'll still call the school so I can get your homework.

No!

[groans] It hurts.

Everything hurts. [coughs]

S-S-Sandra-- Sandra can get my homework.

I can?

Uh, not believe this lip gloss is so glossy.

[music]

[giggles]

-Aww! -It looks so cute!

I don't know what's wrong with me.

The closer it gets for Sandra to go, the sadder I get!

-Oh! -Well, it's normal, it's normal.

We all want our kids--

Oh, okay, ladies?

We want our kids to go out and experience the world.

I remember when we saw our daughter off on her own.

My second husband and I got her to the airport

and watched the plane take off.

That sounds so sad.

Are you kidding me?

That was the day I handed him my divorce papers

and I was back on the market in search of my next man adventure.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, hey!

You know, I remember this couple, um,

they wanted to have another baby.

And their last son turned 18, and they wanted to start over.

But it's okay if that's what you wanna do.

Nine months with a life inside you,

kicking you like a fifth-degree black belt.

It's exhausting!

I enjoyed all of it.

Where did the time go?

Well, I think you're just going through

a new phase in life, Leah--

Okay, ladies!

Wait a--wait a minute! Wait a minute! Hey!

Leah, Leah, I really think

that maybe you should talk to Jeremy about this.

You think he can handle it?

[Cora] He's a mature young man.

-Hi, honey. -We talked him up.

Hey, bay--sweetie.

Uh, did I interrupt girl time?

No, no, no, no, you right on time.

We--we--we--thank you.

Go on and--thank you. You helped us!

You are just the person I wanted to see, mm-hmm.

What happened to the couch?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Do you remember when we, um...used to go to dinner?

And then would come home, and then we would...

light a candle and get busy, hm?

[unzips zipper]

You mean like last night?

Maybe with a little more intention.

You know, more purpose driven?

Goal oriented?

-Goal oriented? -Uh-huh.

I don't know, I got it in the goal.

I hope you're not talking about what I--

I think I wanna have another baby, Jeremy.

No, no!

Baby!

I...heard...you... the...first...time!

Aaah!

[hyperventilates]

Aaaaaaahhhhh!

Hmph! A mature young man, huh?!

[music]

I want another baby.

[music]

That's about right.

[phone ringing]

Yo. Yo.

Yeah, that man is dumb.

Yeah, he thought BLM stood for Be Like Mike.

He should be teaching stupid, not science.

Right? And he had the audacity to suspend me.

Like--like I'm not the one who--

Like I'm not the--not the--

[coughs] Not the one too sick to go to school.

Let me call you back.

"Let me call you back."

You must think I'm Boo Boo the damn Fool, boy!

Well, if you switched eyes, I can see the similarities.

-Uh, I can explain. -Look, save your damn breath.

The school called here this morning

and said you cheatin' the system.

Damn it, that's my job, Phillip!

Grandpa, this--this teacher is dumb, man.

Nobody likes him.

Phillip, you plagiarized, man!

Of course I did!

Why am I writing stuff in my own words

when somebody already did it for me?

Now I'm trying to figure out if you're just stupid

or you're just stupid.

This teacher is always on me.

He's like, "Phillip, make sure--

"make sure you turn your assignments in on time.

"Phillip, make sure you proofread your essays.

Phillip, make sure you come to my class on time."

What does he think this is?

Something like school.

He has 28 other students to worry about,

yet he always calls me out.

Well, maybe he sees something in you.

I take it your mom and dad don't know about this, right?

No.

You're gonna let them keep thinking you sick?

What good is that gonna do?

Mom's homemade soup and--and binge-watching TV shows?

Come on, Phillip, real men tell the truth, right?

So you tell the truth all the time?

Well, okay, well...

Real men tell some folks the truth.

Man, tonight was the night Mom was making

her famous upside-down cookies.

And I want to finish the last two seasons of

Get a Girl in 15 Minutes.

[music]

[music]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

I'm sorry!

For what?

You don't want another little baby to hold and...

play things with, and dress up?

It's fine.

Come on, don't say it like that.

[sighs]

Sorry I scared you.

You almost fainted, bay--

Sweetie.

You can call me baby, come on, now.

Hmm...

Is it so wrong for me to want another baby, Jeremy?

I just feel like I'm losing something.

Yeah, you are losing something.

You're losing your damn mind, okay?

Now, we're not losing her.

She's gonna be leaving soon, Jeremy,

and she is always with her friends.

She just doesn't need me anymore.

Uh-uh, that's not true.

She needs us in different ways now.

Mom, Dad, can I have some money?

See? [chuckles]

Is that all we're good for, baby munchkin?

I haven't heard you call me that in a while.

You used to grin from ear to ear when I called you that.

Just like you're grinning now.

Mmm.

Can I have some money now?

Um...you promise me a girls night?

We're definitely overdue, Mom.

Okay.

My purse is in the kitchen.

Thank you, Mom.

[sighs]

Look.

[groans]

She's a young lady now.

And we raised her for this moment right here.

So we gotta let her get out there

and experience the real world, just like we did.

That should scare you.

Nope, having another little "baby munchkin"?

Yeah, that scares me more.

Dad, can I use your credit card?

Your mom just gave you some money.

It's not enough.

[sighs] Boy...

[music]

All right, Grandson, I ain't gonna take it easy you.

Watch this, here we go. Eh, eh, eh, eh.

King me.

You can't jump me like that.

Boy, that's that hot tamale move.

You don't know nothin' about that, man.

You just did the electric slide across the board.

You see, this why nobody want to play with you.

You look nice and fresh.

It's a miracle.

I was just about to start brewing up

some lemon drop tea because we hadn't seen you down here.

Hopefully none of us get whatever it is that you've got.

Yeah, Phillip, what was it you got?

Okay, there's--there's nothing to be got.

Mm-hmm.

What you mean?

Mom, you, uh--you might want to sit down for this one.

I'm about to break both his legs.

I'ma help you, too.

The reason--the reason I've been staying home is

not because I've been feeling sick.

Boy, you've been fakin' sick!

You had me in the kitchen, sweating over a stove,

making some free range chicken soup

and mixing medicinal smoothies for nothing!

Nothing!

So--so what was it?

I got suspended.

[Leah and Jeremy] Suspended!?

Why were you suspended, Phillip?

Plagiarism.

Oh, I once knew a girl named Plagiarism...

No, no, plagiarizing, as in, like, taking somebody's stuff

and passing it as your own?

You know I know that, right?

So what made you steal from another person's work, Phillip?

I was tired of coming home from practice and school,

and I forgot the essay was due.

And I didn't wanna fail,

so I copied an article I found online.

Son, you're a smart kid.

You don't have to do things like this, all right?

Now, this is just poor time management.

Mm-hmm, if you're tired, take a catnap.

Get up, get to work.

There are no shortcuts in life, Phillip.

That's right, a shortcut just ends you up in a place

you don't wanna be.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats hard work!

I'ma go take a nap. Excuse me.

We are really disappointed in you, Phillip.

I know. Look, I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well, when you know better,

you do better, all right?

Now, I'm gonna call the principal.

I'ma see if we can go down to that school

and have you make up this work

whether you get credit for it or not.

Yes, sir.

You don't have to copy anybody.

God made you an original, so act like it.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, you are on restriction until further notice.

Well, my social life is dead anyway.

Teacher called me out in front of everyone,

and Cindy Davis and all her cute friends laughed at me.

I'll never get a date.

Yeah, well, I bet you're real embarrassed.

Yeah, that's an understatement.

Yeah, well, guess how embarrassed you gonna be

when I put this size 12 footprint on that ass.

-Chill, chill! -Come here, baby, come on.

[music]

[laughing]

[Leah] Oh my goodness!

I love the part where--where she said

she would only charge him half price

because he was so short!

[laughing]

That's funny.

Look like you two had a good mother-daughter day out.

-It was wonderful! -And we're not done yet.

-We still have to do our nails. -Okay, I'll go get the polish.

Hmm, I'm glad you made time for your mom.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to do it more often.

-We're gonna miss each other. -You know what?

You can do it as often as you like,

'cause then that'll get me some years,

and then, by then, maybe menopause will hit,

and I'll be in the clear.

As long as you keep giving me your credit card.

[music]

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