Original subtitles

[music]

We buy ugly businesses. Urgent. Open immediately.

Okay.

Dear Mr. Brown,

we've been buying properties in your area inhabited

by people who are in the final stages of their golden years.

We wanna make an offer on your ugly business.

Please contact us before it's too late.

Who they calling ugly?

-1-800-UGLY. -Well, that was

-an amazing workout! -My legs feel like spaghetti.

You must be in great shape then, 'cause I can't feel mine.

Way out there in the geriatric boot camp or something?

More like geriatric booty camp.

My butt is so sore I can barely move my toe, man.

What is you been working something other than your mouth?

No, man. I sat on that hard bench

for three hours straight, watching them ladies do curls,

sipping on a 40 ounce brewski to stay hydrated, man.

Ooh, too tired to talk. My jaws are sore.

-What the hell? -A hot salt bath...

-Well, I'll be damned. -Is calling my name, Mr. Brown.

My curls are falling. I gotta go catch 'em.

Bunch of scary asses.

What? They intimidated by my body?

What they didn't want you to know that we was

hanging out at the competition.

Pleasurable years, a top rated assisting living spot

across the street.

Oh, so that's where y'all been?

Oh, man, that place got it going on?

And some foxy women, too.

I think I helped one win the potato sack race.

Two of 'em said they're gonna give me a lay,

but all I got were these damn flowers.

-So y'all like it over there? -Like it? Like it?

Man, I did the spa and the dip in the pool,

out the movie theater, man. Filet mignon, man.

Okay, I got it. - Baby--

They got a few more amenities than we do.

A few?

Brown, that place is five star. They got a bidet in the toilet.

You everyhad warm, soapy water shoot up your butt?

Man, I never felt so clean in my life.

Okay, Vinnie, now y'all got

everything y'all need around here.

Brown, Brown, Brown.

Coming from that place over there back to over here

is like leaving the Bellagio back to Motel 2.

-Take it back. -I ain't taking it back.

You take it back.

I ain't taking a damn thing back!

Okay, y'all wanna play like that, huh?

Hello? This is Leroy S. Brown.

The S is for soon to sell.

Yeah, I wanna see what you can offer me on my business.

Yeah.

But you better not call my business ugly

'cause it's gonna get ugly with you.

All right, thank you. Mm-hmm, I'll be down there.

Yeah. Jive suckers wanna see.

See, I'll tell you. So, y'all had that much fun?

[music]

[Male] ♪ No matter what you do, I love you. ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure. ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water, ♪

♪ we'll make it if we stay together. ♪

Cora, I think it's at least worth finding out

what they offering.

I'm gonna go down to the office and get the paperwork

and see if they serious.

Mr. Brown, you cannot sell this place.

-People still live here. -They don't wanna be here.

Cora, even Jesus said we shouldn't stay somewhere

where we're not wanted.

Now, Jesus did not say that, Mr. Brown.

He could have turned them into tigers or something.

-Mr. Brown, it's lepers. -Whatever it is.

Why you think he went back to heaven?

Because he served his purpose on earth.

Well, I done served my purpose on house.

Oh, Mr. Brown, don't be like that.

You should have seen 'em, Cora.

They was coming all in here just, oh, look how we,

we done ate this, we done did that, Cora, acting all happy.

They come in here like they done been

to a senior citizen version of Disney World, Cora.

They could be happy here.

-Mr. Brown... -Why they can't be happy here?

-Mr. Brown, it's... -Hi, Ms. Cora!

Oh, hey, Mr. Reginald, how you doing?

Oh, much better now that I'm freshened up

and stretched out parts of my body

that I just discovered existed.

I heard y'all had a really good time earlier today.

-Like a resort over there. -Okay.

Well, I heard it costs an arm and a leg to live there.

Well, in that case, I should be able to move right in

because I paid this morning with both arms and legs

doing the limbo.

[laughs] Well, how would you feel if this place

was gone, Mr. Reginald?

This is my home 'til death do us part.

-Oh, good. -Or a rich widow comes

from over there to sweep me off my feet.

Well, there's this company claiming

they wanna buy this place.

-Huh? -You know, it sounds like

a shady deal to me, but you know what?

I want you to do a little digging for me, confidentially.

How dare they pull the rug out from under our feet?

-Yeah, exactly. -Take away our safe haven?

- Right! - We love it here.

So happy to hear that. Hey, y'all.

So where y'all headed in such a hurry?

Across the street.

They're having a beach party called Truth or Bare.

-[laughter] -Bye, bye, Ms. Cora.

Bye, bye, Efe.

This is when he tells his new wife that he's

having a baby by his first wife.

He told his new wife that?

Yes. Left his second wife,

hooked up with his first wife, then married his new wife.

-[groaning] -Hey, Honey.

How was the ice breaker?

Yeah, who held the wall up, the boys or the girls?

I did, singlehandedly.

You know what? No more mister nice guy.

What do you mean?

I thought you was about to be in there macking the girls,

getting them punch.

You wanna know who I wanna grab and punch?

-Hm? -Julio, the running back

and Tyrone the hooper.

The girls was all over 'em, Dad.

Oh, the groupies.

No, they're not groupies, mom.

Girls just like guys with that edge.

Baby, listen.

As you get older, the things that matter now

-won't matter anymore. -Wait, wait, wait.

I have to wait 'til I'm old like you guys?

I don't have that type of time!

-Did he just call us old? -Yep.

Dad, they were cracking jokes about my bow tie.

What's wrong with my bow tie?

They were calling me things like coconut

-and suburban brat. -Coconut?

Yes, brown on the outside white on the inside.

-[laughter] -They were taking

my Black card, Dad 'cause I dress to preppy.

What does that eve mean?

Son, those are not the type of girl you want anyway, alright?

Trust me, they are.

No, man.

Those are the type that go after the popular type

and the guys with muscles.

I understand 'cause, you know, that's why your mom

was on me back in the day.

Boy! [laughs] You came after me

afteryI turned you down three times.

See, this was when you was wearing

that reverse shag, looking like you was wearing a hat

with a brim at all times.

Look, I'm just saying that they like that tall,

dark, handsome vibe.

You know, the ones that look like they always

-got it together. -Wow, thank...thank you.

Thank you for the compliment.

But like, everybody...everybody was dancing with someone.

Every guy had a girl but me.

Son, stop being so hard on yourself.

You couldn't have been the only one that didn't get no play.

Oh, really?

There was this short, chubby guy dancing with the tallest girl

on the volleyball team. She picked him up

and threw him across the dance floor twice.

He just got up and got his groove back on.

-Dang! -[Jeremy laughs]

And you told me this bow tie was nice!

-It is nice. -No, it's not.

Especially with that sweater vest.

Uh-uh, he got on that "Kings of Comedy" fit.

Stop talking about my baby like that.

Oh, man. Hey.

My head did not look like I had a hat on all the time.

You're right. It was more like a sun visor.

That was that Nino Brown vibe right there.

I was killing it. I was the man.

Okay, it was the lashes for me, boo.

-Yeah? -Mm-hmm.

I think this place is pretty legit.

It must be, Mr. Brown.

They just bought up a whole bunch of property

down the street.

They just built a drive-thru liquor store.

Yes, and a fried chicken and fish joint.

-And a church. -Shut up!

Yes.

Well, Cora, you can go eat something,

you can get drunk, and you can go to church

to repent for eating and drinking too much.

That's good.

All right, let's see. This the offer they gave me.

-Shut up! -What it say?

Shut up! Cora, look!

They done offered me $1.5 million for this place

with or without tenants.

-I'm rich! -What?

-I'm rich! -Mr. Brown, that can't be true.

-[laughter] -They said truth or bare.

Have you ever taken money from the collection plate?

Vinnie said "Dare".

-Next thing you know... -I'm down to my drawers, buddy!

-[laughter] -He's down to his drawers.

Yeah, I know exactly where y'all been.

'Cause y'all smell like smores.

I wanna play a game called Truth or Share.

What's that?

That's when I tell y'all the truth

or I need to share something with y'all.

-Okay. -Okay, I'll tell y'all.

-Have a seat, have a seat. -All right, all right,

-all right, all right. -Sound like fun. All right.

This is a game that you ain't never played before.

-Okay. -So, aske me a question.

You can ask me anything you want.

-Ask me a question. -Truth or share?

Oh, I feel like sharing. I'll take sharing for 100.

[laughs] Okay, all right.

Okay, listen up. Y'all listening?

- Uh-huh. - I need y'all to look at me.

All eyes on me.

I, Leroy S. Brown, plan to sell this place

to We Buy Ugly Businesses for $1.5 million!

$1.5 million!

S'mores anyone? Jive suckers.

Damn you, Brown.

-[music] -What is a jive sucker?

What?

Brown, you can't sell this place without me.

You know I'm part owner, man.

You need to make a decision whether you wanna stay here

and pay to die or take this half a million dollars

and get paid to live.

Well, hell for me, where do I sign?

-Vinnie! -What?

I've done some reading on this, and apparently this company

wants to, uh, turn this entire area into a strip mall.

Well, I'll be definitely visiting these parts

and I'm gonna need me a stack of ones, baby.

A strip mall, Vinnie, with shops.

We can't be put out on the street.

All because we like to hang out

at the other assisted living home?

- Mm-hmm. - And the only reason

they let us come in is because they feel

they're doing a community service by helping the needy.

I think they even get a tax write-off.

-Ain't none of my business. -Mr. Brown.

Really, Brown?

You about to try to sell this place just like that?

Ya heard me right.

It is hard to say no to $1.5 million.

No, I did once.

-And when was that, Vinnie? -When my ex wanted

to freeze my seed and populate the earth with beautiful babies

-that look like me. -Oh, my.

Look, I'm part owner of this place and you not

selling nothing without my permission.

Well, you know, normally me and Brown don't agree

on a damn thing, but when money talks, Vinnie walks.

Man, we not letting people come in here

and displace our family just because they

waving money around.

Man, as soon as they build that strip,

I'm gonna be right here waving money around.

Get your mind out of the gutter, Vinnie.

It's a strip mall not a club.

-Right. -Oh, no booty.

No booty.

Vinnie, make a decision.

-[Vinnie sighs] -Pay to die, get paid to live.

Pay to die, get paid to live.

Ooh.

Bam, bam.

Damn, damn. Don't play with me, Brown.

Make a decision and live or die with it.

[music]

-How do I look? -You look like you need a bra.

No, no, you look like a half wannabe thug,

half wannabe rapper, with a hint of nerd.

Okay, okay.

Look, what I was going for was, like, cool but with an edge.

Like, approachable, but, but, you know,

you don't wanna be on my bad side.

Like, half hood, but then half holy.

Like, pray with me but don't play with me.

You know what I mean?

We'll see how that works out for you.

Ooh, can't forget the ice.

-Girls love this. -Not this girl.

You know what I'm saying? I just want

to build up enough edge for them to respect me.

What? Can you just take it out?

I can't understand what you're saying?

I said I wanna build up enough edge for people to respect me.

Okay, so what are you gonna do if some big, buff guy tries

to test your toughness?

What do you think?

I'm gonna pop the grill out and be like, look, sir.

I'm really a respectable young man.

Like, I get straight A's

and I like eating Fruity Puffs for breakfast.

Okay.

-Oh, no. -Hold up, P Dumb Diddy.

That's a good nickname, Dad.

It's almost as good as 'Lil Fizzle.

-Bye, Sandra. -Bye, 'Lil Bozo.

Oh, and if you see me on the street,

just act like you don't know me.

-[mumbling] -What's in your mouth?

Oh, these? Man, this is my 14 carat gold.

[mumbling] Oh.

I said, this is my 14 carat gold-plated hip hop grill.

You know, limited edition.

-Are those? -Yeah, fake tats

from Don't Touch My Tats.

-And is this? -Insulated polyfil buff puffs.

And this?

Oh, these my fake abs in washable compression.

Tank top, look good, don't it?

And they didn't make that in black?

Short notice.

Man, take all this stuff off, all right? We gotta talk.

You about fake as a Folex watch.

Boy, you know what they say, fake it 'til you make it.

Who is they?

Dad, does anyone know who they is?

Why are you doing this?

Like I told you and mom, tired of people laughing at me

and calling me coconut and suburban brat.

Teasing me for my clean good looks.

-And that's a problem? -Yes, Dad.

Who wants to be clean and look good?

People are always gonna have an opinion about you, son.

All right, look at me, all right,

'cause I want you to really understand this.

God know who he made when he made you.

Don't you ever, ever, ever let somebody define who you are.

Thanks, Dad.

But like, why do the muscular hard type guys

always get all the girls?

Man, I don't know, all right?

But look, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

And you will hook one, okay?

But you gotta be real 'cause you don't wanna hook a fake one.

Just be who you are. Be who God intended you to be.

All right.

You wasn't gonna really wear that, was you?

Yeah, I mean, half piped little thugaboo

who wore a gold tarnished grill and the girls was

serving him punch all night.

Even though it looked like he got punched.

All right, well, you wear that, your mouth gonna be green.

[music]

Everything must go. Everything must go.

For sale. This for sale, that for sale.

Bam, everything must go. Somebody give me five,

-somebody give me 10. -Mr. Brown, what are you doing?

Cora, I'm preparing for my blow out sale.

Everything must go, Cora. Everything gotta go.

Don't you think you're going just a little too far?

We still have residents here.

Who don't really wanna be here, Cora.

They'd move next door if they had the chance.

And besides, I done already found me a private island.

-Private island? -Yes.

So you gonna spend all your money

for a deserted island and live lonely

for the rest of your life?

Who said I'm gonna be lonely, Cora?

I'm gonna have mermaids coming up to my private island

all the time, just come have a mermaid dock.

Mr. Brown, there's no such thing as mermaids.

Cora, have you ever been on a private island?

Yes, I have.

Not the private island the supermarket.

I'm talking about the private island like mine.

-No, I didn't think so. -Mr...

Cora, I'm gonna have mermaids coming up

on my private island all the time.

Point blank, period.

-What are you talking about? -Cora, because I know

because I'm a millionaire. That's how millionaires talk.

There ain't no such thing.

I'm talking millionaire, you don't understand.

Vinnie, maybe you can tell him something.

Somebody give me 10, somebody give me 20.

Would you shut up, man?

I'm having second thoughts about selling this place.

I think we selling for the wrong reasons, man.

What? Love and happiness?

Ain't nothing wrong with me. I'm good.

You getting a little emotional, Brown.

All right, the place across the street does have more,

but I think I saw you down there doing the cha-cha

with Betty got back.

Okay, just because you seen a bald-headed man

in a colorful short set, don't mean that was me.

Whatever, Brown.

The shirt had Mr. Brown stitched on the back.

-Wasn't me. -It was you!

-That wasn't me! -It was you!

What is all this?

Antiques. Everything gonna go.

Make an offer. It's yours.

You trying to sell my picture for $1,000?

Antique, must go. Everything.

Somebody give me five, somebody give me 10.

$10,000. Is this what I think it is?

Yes, that's a fossil.

That's from my fossil collection.

These are my weekend dentures.

No, uh-uh, no. No.

What this is, these are Eve's teeth stuck in an apple

which she shoulda never bit anyway.

-10,000 G's. -You imbecile.

Whatever that is.

Man, this is foolishness.

You know how fast you can blow through $500,000?

And then what? You gonna die old and lonely?

Not me.

Jeremy's right.

I don't think it's worth it, Brown.

You just weak.

You gonna let him turn that fast?

I'll go call that man and see if he can cut me a side deal.

I'm gonna let y'all come over and have a ride

on my "yachet" for a small fee.

And y'all can have a "low-au" on the thing.

So y'all can have it on my private island.

Instead of that old fake beach y'all been going to.

There will be no island, no yacht, or luau, Brown.

The We Buy Ugly Businesses has just beenyshut down

-by the Attorney General. -Yep.

They were trying to buy property with a fake crypto currency

-called Hood Coin. -Mm-hmm.

You lying. He just lying. Sit there.

He's not lying, Mr. Brown. It's right here in the news.

Cora.

Oh, so you mean to tell me all my hopes and dreams

of becoming a millionaire mermaid lover are gone?

Mm-hmm.

I done went from rags to almost riches

back to rags again, and I got to be here with you peasants

-and your ugly self. -Your ugly self.

I'm sorry for making you feel bad, Mr. Brown.

I mean, I couldn't do without this place

or without any of you.

It's true. We all know where home is.

Here, I can be myself.

Yeah, you have a point.

You know, over there, they have some pretty stuffy people.

One lady stopped talking to me after I told her

I eat my fried chicken with my hands.

I mean, I was living here when the place was abandoned

and I do...I do...

-Love it here? -I agree with you.

I do love it here.

But if you tell anybody, I'll deny it.

This is a real family here, Mr. Brown.

It can't be replaced.

So now, since you're not throwing 'em out on the street,

you can sleep better tonight.

I do kinda semi like, love y'all.

And I wasn't gonna really sell the place.

I just wanted to test and see what y'all...

[laughter]

And Cora, I woulda slept just fine with them mermaids

wrapped in my silk million dollar sheets.

There's no mermaids.

Cora, there's some big-booty mermaids out there.

-Oh, my goodness. -You'll see.

You haven't seen a mermaid that make it jiggle like that.

-There's some big... -There's not even

moving back there, what are you talking about?

I can see just a mermaid just...

Get out of here!

-He is so damn stupid. -[chatter]

[Cora] He don't even have no booty.

Cora, I could get me a big-booty mermaid.

They all over...they be all over me.

[music]

Why we got to watch another judge show?

And why you don't have a judge show?

Couldn't have been that good of a judge.

Wrong connections.

Mr. Brown?

Why are you walking in looking like a mummy?

This is, uh, called pedestrian reflexology,

I think they call it.

Yeah, it's where it takes the oxygen

from the tip of your head, drive it down to your body,

and get it down to your toes.

You're wearing a name tag.

Mr. Brown, did you go across the street?

Are you talking about in the middle of the street,

or across, or which, down three doors?

Oh, come on, fool. You know what he talking about.

Brown went to the Bubble and Buff.

That's just where we wanted to go.

But we stayed here to make you feel better.

Well, I do feel better and it ain't 'cause of y'all.

I wanted to get my dogs done, a butt wax.

[shouting]

You're just damn selfish!

[music]

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