Original subtitles

- ♪

- Come on, man. Take it to the hole, man.

- No, shoot from the outside. Get the three.

- Oh, man, how you missed that layout, man?

I could have made that with my eyes closed.

- Well, he shouldn't have taken it to the hole.

- Oh, no, he shouldn't take it to the hole.

You should never take it to the hole, man.

- Oh, he's an outside shooter.

- Oh, man, you don't know what you talking about.

- I know more than you think.

I used to shoot from the outside.

- Outside of what?

A three-foot Nerf basketball hoop?

That don't count.

- [laughter]

- Yeah, you take that. Now here we playing horse.

Let me see you make that shot.

- Hey y'all. - VINNY: Boom! [giggles]

- Whew! What is that? Am I in the right place?

What's that smell?

- Well, if it smells old, it's uh Reggie's cologne.

- Swish. Now take that!

We were playing HORSE,

you got an R, that makes you H-O-R.

- Well, I've been called worse.

- Who left the toilet seat up last night?

I went to do my business and almost fell in.

- It wasn't me. I'm a gentleman.

- Well, I don't need to lift it up

because I'm a straight shooter.

- Where are my alligator socks?

- Is that why this place smell like a swamp?

- I got a good workout in last night, and there's nothing more

inspiring than keeping something that reminds me of my hard work.

- [laughter] - [coughs]

- Can somebody please explain to me why this place looks like

the headquarters of a sanitation department?

- Because I went on strike

and Leah left with Jeremy this morning.

- What--what does that mean, Ms. Anastasia?

- It means that if Leah or I

left it up to these guys, we'd be living with the rodents.

- You know what? But that's about to stop.

- Who ate my curry goat cabbage I left on the table?

- I don't know who ate it, but it tastes like chicken.

- Did you not see that "do not touch

or draw back a nub" sticker on it?

- Yeah, I saw it.

- And?

- Go ahead, pick one. That's right.

I had them insured years ago

for $100,000 when I was training for the mixed martial arts.

- You'd get all that money but you wouldn't be

able to defend yourself.

- You know what, I don't need hands

to kick you where the sun don't shine.

- [whistle blowing]

- Alright, that's enough! Emergency meeting!

Everybody take a seat.

- Oh man.

- Where'd you get a whistle from?

- I keep it in my purse for the kids down at the church.

- Well, we're not kids. Y'all move over!

- You know what? I can't tell by the looks of this place.

You know what?

It's time to set some new house rules.

I cannot believe this place looking like this.

Y'all ought to be ashamed of y'all selves.

It's like a pigsty in here!

- I told you guys. - Ohhh...

- I'm sorry I ate your chicken, man.

- ♪

♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪♪

- ♪

- I need everybody to just take

a look around and tell me what you see.

- Ooh, I like this game, "I Spy."

I spy with my little eye

a thief that stole my food.

- Okay, I spy with my little eye

a fool who should have taken his food to his room.

No, you're the one--

- But you know what I spy with my big eye?

Some spoiled brats who don't

know how to clean up behind themselves.

- Well, none of this mess is mine.

- Wha? - [chuckles]

- Well, whose salad box is that

with "Reginald" written on the front from two weeks ago?

- And who wears briefs that say

"You be the judge" stitched on the front?

- Well, this is everybody's house, so everybody will

participate in the "King of Clean" Challenge.

Ms. Anastasia has made a list

of everything that needs to be done around here.

- Teacher's pet.

- Take a look at it.

- Well, I ain't cleaning no toilets.

- Well, you use the toilet, don't you?

- Well, my ass stays clean.

Won'tcha let their dirty butts clean it up?

- This house won't be the only thing

being cleaned up around here.

Your mouth also, Vinny.

Every time you file off a word, you'll put a dollar in this jar.

- It's like cleaning up inside and out.

- Yes.

- He's going to fill up that jar by himself.

- It also includes insults.

Anyone insulting each other will also put a dollar in this jar.

- Vinny, it looks like you've

been silenced for the duration of the challenge.

- That's an insult, Mr. Reginald.

All right. Okay.

Here you have...

a chore chart.

Ms. Anastasia and Leah will no longer clean up your playpen.

- I object to these authoritative demands.

Hell, I'm older than any of this

dirt you're trying to get us to pick up around here.

- According to the contract you signed to live here,

you agreed to behave orderly and respectfully.

But if you don't participate,

you can be fined from $300 to $5,000.

Worst case, you will be sent on your way.

- You have my full participation, Ms. Cora.

- Thank you.

Then what's Ms. Anastasia going to do?

- Well, she's going to be

in charge of the gold stars according to you clean.

Now, once whoever gets the most stars will be crowned

"King of Clean." So let's get started cleaning.

All right? Come on, guys.

- VINNY: Stupid.

- CORA: Come on, you didn't take your time making a mess.

Come on, let's clean up! Come on, come on, clean up.

- Cleaning up. - Yes, clean up, Vinny!

- ♪

- Okay.

Yeah, what's your mom's name?

Okay.

All right, well, how about we have you come

through for a tour later

and then you can decide for yourself?

All right. Sounds good.

Yes. Thank you.

- What?

- Dad, can I go to this party at the arena?

- Does it cost money? - Yeah.

- No.

- LEAH: [chuckles] Let me guess.

He asked for money and you said "No."

- He's always asking for somethin'.

So, look, this guy called and he said

that his mom is a little spry and she's trying to find a place

to live where she can still do her thing.

- Then tell her don't come here. Ain't nothing but hard labor.

- Why would you say that, Grandpa?

- Can you believe Ms. Cora

wants us to clean up behind ourselves?

- No!

- But I said

too many damn Christians in this house, man.

- Oh man.

- Will we get to meet them?

- Yeah, he's going to bring his mom by later to see the place.

- Nice. - JEREMY: Uh-huh, yeah.

- Seem like a cool dude, too.

Yeah.

Sterling Lovelace.

- Huh wha... You-- you-- you said-- you said who now?

- What, water hot?

Sterling Lovelace.

Hey, the hell's wrong with you?

You spiting water all over the place.

What's going on?

- Nothing. Mm-mm.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

That's just a strange name.

It's a strange name.

- Okay, well, I like the name. Name like that.

You think you might

better get Billy D. Williams a run for his money.

- Vinny, you brought the dishes in, but you didn't wash them.

No gold star for you.

Leah, it's too early for hot flashes.

Oh la la.

You know I do do some cougaring.

- This is my ex-boyfriend. - Oh okay.

No double-dipping. I get it.

- He-- he called Jeremy,

and they're looking for a place for his mom.

She can't-- she can't-- she can't stay here.

She can't stay here.

- Okay, yeah, that would be awkward.

But you know what?

Sometimes jealousy keeps men on their toes.

I remember one time, my third husband and I went out

and we ran into my second husband.

And the moment he saw how big...

his feet were, he became instantly insecure.

It was probably because

I couldn't stop staring at his feet.

- Uh... - Look.

- He can't come here, Ms. Anastasia.

He admitted his mama.

She can't come here. He can't come here.

- We will figure it out darling. We will figure it out

- He can't come here.

- It's okay, sweetie, we will figure it out.

- [hard fake coughing]

- [hard fake coughing]

- Vinny, I think you've earned

your first gold star for dusting.

- And I put some dishes in the sink.

- Did you wash them?

- Hell, no.

- Foul jar.

- Damn!

- Foul jar.

- I am picking up the trash for the entire building.

And the neighbors as well.

- Efe, you really want to win this prize.

- In the words of my late father,

"Don't go for the calf, boy. Go for the whole herd"

[laughter]

Please put a star up on my name.

- Oh, Philip.

My favorite grandson.

- I'm your only grandson.

- Oh look, I'm trying to win

the clean challenge, but I ain't doing no cleaning,

so I figured I'd pay you to do it.

- Okay, well, what do you need to be done?

I'm glad you asked.

Bam.

Dang. All of this?

- You still need money for the dance, don't you?

There you go. Here, now I want you to do

everything on that on the low, you know,

check everything off, and then get back to me,

and I'll be crowned the "King of Clean."

[chuckles smugly]

- Whatever that means. Cool.

- Get to it. Here you go.

Bam.

I'll be in my room.

- Now what do I do with this?

- Leah?

I tried calling your ex-boyfriend to spook him,

you know, tell him that the place is haunted.

No one answered the number.

I'll think of something.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Babe.

- Hey.

- That uh Sterling guy and his mom are going to stop by later.

- It's not a good idea. Look at the place.

- Man, this place will be cleaned by then.

What'cha you talking about?

- How do you know if this guy ain't trying to rob us, Jeremy?

Huh? Or trying to, like, case the joint

so somebody else can rob us?

You know how these people are out in these streets nowadays.

- Have you seen this guy? - Huh?

- Have you seen him? Look, look he's a Wharton M.B.A,

an investment banker on Wall Street,

coauthored two books on finance, is a philanthropist.

Hell, I'm about to ask him for a job for me.

- All good on paper, but cuckoo up here.

- I don't care if he cuckoo or not.

His mom seemed cool, all right?

And Anastasia need a new friend around here.

- She got me.

- Somebody her age.

- Well, what about Cora?

- I mean, you know, give or take 15...

10, 5, 20 years something like that.

- Look, baby, this is going to bring us more money.

And get this.

She's a retired chef.

- We don't need no chef, Jeremy.

We got Chef Boyardee.

We got Betty Crocker, and we got Jolly Green Giant, boy fine.

- What's gonna on with you?

- [yawning]

Oh my gosh. I'm so sleepy, Jeremy.

- That was a real long yawn.

- Take a nap. Wake me up after the tour okay?

I'm going to go to sleep. I'm tired.

[yawning]

- Son.

- Heeyyy...

- Is that a mop?

- Is that what you call this?

- Whatcha you doing with that?

- I um... I uh...

[chuckles nervously]

I was going to sweep the floor with it.

Like I saw in this Dingdong video.

Oh, okay.

All right, with a mop, you mop.

You don't sweep with a mop, Son.

- Right, yeah.

- You sure you mean to have that?

Because I ain' never seen you

with nothing in your hands that used to clean something.

- First time for everything, right?

- All right, everybody's acting weird around here.

- What is in your room, man?

I've done see some stuff. - I know.

- I almost got trapped under

an avalanche of magazines of nude woman, man.

- I know, I told you to clean

that room with your eyes closed, man.

- I touched something sticky.

- Look here, man. Um, uh, where's my list?

- Here. I did everything.

- Let's see what you got. All right.

Everything and I didn't have to do nothing.

[laughs gleefully]

- It's called being lazy, man.

- I know. I know. I know. - Okay, where's the invoice?

- Here. Here's the invoice right there.

- Okay, who is the "Mean Teen Cleaning Service"?

and what is the $500?

- Okay look, I give you a deal.

If you pay me in the next ten minutes, I'll make it 250.

'Cause you're family.

- Boy, you've lost your damn mind, man.

And you need to go find it.

[unintelligible]

- I need to go find it? Oh, what if I just go--

- Whoa whoa. OK, all right, damn.

Here we go. Let's go, five--

- Uh, mm-mm-mm-mm!

- Okay, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.

- You counting that wrong, man!

- Oh man, ridiculous.

- That's good enough. - My own grandson.

- It looks like me and Efe tied.

- Now see, fellas, this is how this place supposed to look.

It smells so good.

It don't smell like a locker room...

- And the winner is...

- What you got, what you got? - Drumroll, please!

- [table drumroll]

- Vinny! - No!

- That cannot be!

- Oh, it can be, Efe.

- Fake news. The only thing that we've seen

Vinny move since it started is his mouth.

- Insult. - I demand a recount.

- Me too! There's no way that this

couch potato got his hand dirty as dirty as mine.

- Well, you don't know where my hands have been.

And that is another insult.

- So Vinny, you mean to tell me

you washed down all the countertops?

- Check.

- Took out all the trash?

- Check.

- Wash the dishes and clean the toilets?

- Check, check.

- You mean to tell me you dust the cobwebs off of Efe's Bible?

- Praise the Lord. Check.

- And watered the fake flowers? - Check.

- When did you have time to do all of this?

- Obviously, when you weren't looking. Whoa!

- Clean the gutters. Now, who are you fooling?

- Okay, now cleaning the gutters

was a little joke I put in there.

Because the only gutters I've cleaned is

five foot six, big hips, and sexy lips.

- Well, look, I see the foul jar is full.

And this goes to whoever didn't

say a foul word or speak any insult.

And the winner is...

[imitates drumroll]

- Efe! - CORA: Efe!

- Congratulations.

- Come on, let's give him a clap.

- Thank you. I will add this $12 to my 401K.

- Okay, what does the "King of Clean" win?

- Okay, so this is what we have right here.

The uh...

- Oh! - You like that?

- The Old as Dirt Buster 2.0! - Yes! Latest and greatest.

- You know, I saw infomercial on this thing on television.

It can do a Brazilian wax in five minutes.

I wanted that for Christmas.

- Well, the good news is that it'll benefit everybody.

- You know what? Technically, you're wrong.

But practically you're right.

I have to program it so it responds to my voice command.

- Does it understand Ebonics?

- No, but it will understand "Yo, Old as Dirt Buster!

Give Reggie a Brazilian head wax."

- But I would like to use it to tidy up

my own domain, too.

- Okay, here's what we do.

$50 a day with a 24 hours a day or $200 a day.

No refund. - REGGIE: Hold it--

- Okay. $40.99 - Vinny!

- What is this?

- Oh...

- Ms. Cora, look at this.

- What is it? Let's see.

- This from "Mean Teen Cleaning Services."

- For services rendered at this address.

- It-- it is.

- Now, who would hire a cleaning service?

- Speak up, tell the truth, and shame the devil.

- Well, I'm too old to be doing

all that damn cleaning, so I paid Philip to do it.

- Oh, so much for child labor laws.

- I knew it! You blew it. This belongs to me and Efe.

- Give it up now. You cheated!

- Wow. - Well, it's--

- Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

- Well, it's like the old saying goes,

if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying to win.

- What? Who would say something like that?

- My daddy.

- You and your Daddy need Jesus.

- ♪

- [crickets chirping]

- I can't believe Vinny.

Oh!

Someone get me a glass of ice water.

Oh my goodness, you look hot, hot, hot!

That is beautiful, Leah.

- Oh, this old thing.

- But isn't it going to look

obvious you dress that way for a routine tour?

- Right, I'll remove the lipstick.

- And don't smile. - Don't smile.

- And don't let him know that you remember him.

- Got it. - Okay.

- No smile.

- Whoever said loving you right is loving you wrong was genius,

but sometimes it's just plain stupid.

- Okay, Babe. They'll be here any minute.

- Damn, why are you dressed like Black Panther?

- Okay, Sterling and I dated in high school, baby.

But it was before you.

I didn't even like him.

He had little feet. We don't do that.

He got a big old head. We used to call him Topple.

[laughter]

He used to, like, topple, topple over... baby?

Baby, I love you. I'm so glad I'm married to you.

- Okay, you feel better now?

- Yep.

- Okay, good, 'cause he ain't coming.

[snickers]

Yeah, yeah, his sister called

and said they was going to have the mom stay with her.

- Jeremy why are you playing?

- Look, man, I knew you used to date that guy.

You told me about him years ago,

and then you started acting all weird,

I realized this is the same

person that you dated back in high school.

Okay? Now, look, it don't matter.

- I just didn't want you to feel awkward.

- Why did you get dressed up?

- I just wanted to look good. - Mm-hmm.

- Every woman wants her ex to know what he's missing.

- Mm-hmm. Is that right?

Well, you do look kind of good.

And, uh, ain't no point in letting that dress go to waste.

- What you trying to do?

I'm trying to...

- [clapping]

- Slow down.

- You trying to do that slow clap.

- [laughter]

- I love you. - I love you too.

- This is crazy, man.

- Look, Grandpa Vinny,

I'm sorry our cleaning deal didn't work out.

- You know what?

If you hadn't left that paper trail,

that Old as Dirt Buster would be mine right now.

- Look, I did a lot of work.

- Yeah, well, it didn't work out for me.

- [text chime]

- Ah, but it did work out for me.

"Mean Teen Cleaning Service" is a hit.

In fact, I'm meeting with my next client right now.

Coming, Mr. Reginald!

- Mr. Reginald?

I'ma get me another grandson,

I swear I'ma get one.

- ♪

- ♪

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