Original subtitles

- ♪ ♪

- Grandpa Vinny, you cannot drink beer for breakfast.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- What are you doing?

- You said don't drink beer for breakfast,

so I'm eating it! Come on, now!

- No, just, no!

- Look, Leah, come on now,

just let me enjoy what life I have left, please!

- You keep this lifestyle up, what's left won't be long!

- All right, so I drank. What's the big deal?

- It's not just the drinking.

You eat horrible,

and you smoke way too much for one person.

- You know, me smoking, I'm just doing my patriotic duty

like the president said.

- Oh, the president told you to smoke weed?

- Sure he did, when he said go green.

- Why are you like this?

Didn't your parents raise you better?

- Yeah, my daddy taught me a very valuable lesson:

don't drink, don't cuss, and never fool around

with a woman that's got more kids than teeth.

- I don't hear much about him, but he sounds like a moral man.

- Oh, he was, he taught me a very valuable lesson

on the day he died.

- To live a clean life?

- No, he was hit by a bus. - That's terrible.

- I know, imagine living your entire life

and never having any fun.

- You're terrible!

- That's when I decided to drink 'til I'm faded,

smoke 'til I'm blazed, and never ever passing up

the opportunity to swing on the monkey bars.

I was in elementary school when he died.

- I really wish you would

take better care of yourself, Grandpa Vinny.

You know, Cora is coming over here

to teach an exercise class in an hour.

- Oh, I'ma pass. I'm in good shape.

- [Leah sighing]

- Leah, hold up, hold up.

Could you, um, pass me that remote control?

- Get up and get it yourself, lazy.

- Man.

- Mm, hey, baby girl, you decide what you're wearing

to the Spelher campus tour tomorrow?

- I'm not wearing anything.

- A chip off the old block!

Streaking on campus. - Ew.

No, I'm not wearing anything 'cause I'm not going.

- Chip off the old block!

Skipping out on responsibilities.

- Sandra, what are you talking about?

Why aren't you going on the campus tour?

- 'Cause I'm not going to college.

Oh, hey, Sheila! - Ooh!

Ooh, I guess she told you.

- Grandpa. - You want a beer?

- No, thank you. - Weed?

- No, no!

- ♪ ♪

- ♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go ♪

♪ I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember ♪

♪ Blood ain't never water ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

- LEAH: Sandra, you don't drop a bomb and walk away, okay?

You are going on that campus tour tomorrow.

- But-- - No buts!

We made a reservation, you will uphold your commitment.

- Okay, I'll go to the campus tour.

I just, I honestly don't think I'm going to college.

- Sweetheart, we talked about this.

Having a college degree

just increases your chances of having a great career.

- Okay, well, Bill Gates didn't go to college,

and he's, like, the richest person in the world.

Jay-Z didn't go to college and he married Beyoncé.

- Let's see, you can't build a computer,

and the only bars you have are on your phone.

Oh, Miss Anastasia!

You went to college. Was it worth it?

- Oh, absolutely.

- My goodness, Mom, I cannot believe you're doing this.

- I'm so very glad I went.

You know, coming from a small town,

college expanded my horizons exponentially.

I'm talking French, Spanish, Russian, Japanese.

- Wow, you learned all those languages?

- Oh, don't be silly. Those were my foreign lovers.

A foreign exchange student can take you

on an exotic trip around the world

without you even leaving your dorm room.

Write that down, dear.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm, don't write that down, dear.

Oh, Miss Anastasia, okay, your degree,

did you find it valuable later in life?

- Oh, I never used that old thing, honey!

I was an actress. I made millions.

- Oh, whatever. You can't act either, girl.

Ah-ha, Mr. Reginald!

You went to college, you used your degree, right?

- Yeah, I most certainly did.

My bachelor's degree and subsequent Juris Doctorate

enabled me to practice law and become a judge.

- See, Sandra, college is-- - Was the worst time of my life.

Grueling 15-hour study sessions,

anxiety attacks from pressure-packed exams.

I tell you, luckily, my dorm room window

wouldn't open or I would've flung myself--

- Whoa, no, okay, hey, Mr. Reginald, okay.

Bye-bye, thank you!

I'ma bring your medicine in your room later.

- Wow, Mom, college sure sounds amazing.

- Okay, all right, those were bad examples,

but your father and I went to college,

and we loved it, and we both used our degrees.

Oh, what happened to you?

- Had to unclog Efe's toilet.

It fought back.

- Oh, what's your degree in again, Dad?

- Ah, finance.

- I think we're done here.

- Nice job, Jeremy.

- What'd I do?

Well, you told me to fix the toilet!

- [Leah scowling]

- Make up your mind!

- First it's your grandaddy, then it's your daughter!

- ♪ ♪

- What y'all doing in here?

- Are you working out with us this morning, Vincent?

- Oh, no, the only workout I'm doing is on my grub

as soon as that microwave goes, "ding!"

- What is that you eatin', skunk?

- Oh, no, man, you smellin' what I'm smokin'.

- You know marijuana gets in clothes.

- Marijuana gets into more than that.

My doctor says my blood type is THC.

- [microwave beeping] - Oh, bye-bye, munchies!

Later, y'all!

- Where is Cora? It's not like her to be late.

- I know. - MR. BROWN: Oh,

Cora can't be here today, so she asked me to sub for her.

Sub for substitute. - Ah.

- Okay, uh, she want me to take the roll to attendance.

All right, all right, let me do attendance.

Reginald Junie?

- Present.

- Oh, he's here. - For Heaven's sake, Mr. Brown!

I'll call Cora and give her the names of

the two whole people in attendance.

Can we get this show on the road, please?

- Oh, you anxious to work out.

Okay, I don't want nobody to be distracted--

- [Vinny chuckling] - --by Vinny's nasty food.

- [Vinny humming]

- Concentrate on the workout.

Do your best, okay?

I want y'all to just concentrate on nothing but working out.

- [Vinny chuckling]

- Mr. Brown? The workout?

- MR. BROWN: Workout, workout, okay, okay.

All right, we gonna work out, and we gonna do like this.

A boom, boom, boom, like that.

Come over there. Boom, boom, boom!

Just get your hips so you won't break 'em if you fall, okay?

Boom, boom, boom! - ANASTASIA: Boom, boom, boom.

- Get in there! - Boom, boom, boom!

Boom, boom, boom!

- Is that pasta with gravy?

- You know it. I call this Jay-Ziti.

I got 99 problems, but a snack ain't one.

- Oh. - REGINALD: Brown! Our workout!

- Oh, yes, okay.

We need to do three sets of cha-cha-cha, boom!

Like this, cha-cha-cha, boom!

- Cha-cha-cha, boom! - Cha-cha-cha, boom!

Like that. - ANASTASIA: Cha-cha-cha.

- Cha-cha-cha.

- Is that black-eyed peas with a hint of bacon?

- You know it. I call this Alicia Peas 'cause I can't stop

fallin' in and out of love with this food, man.

- What sane man can't? - Focus, Brown!

- Focus, okay, all right, listen.

I want y'all to give it your all.

No pain, no gain!

I'ma teach y'all some boxing techniques

that I used when I was in the Silver Gloves, okay?

You ready?

Boom-boom, bam! Hold the head. Hold the head right there.

Get it, do it like that. Get it, move it, right there.

Hey, is that chitlins a la mode?

- You know it.

I call this Destiny's Chitlins, man.

- Wow, say my name, say my name!

- I cannot be a part of this anymore!

- Vin, let me hit one of 'em. Let me hit a little bit.

- Man, there's some more in the microwave.

Run along and get you some. - Okay, that's good.

Let me just lick the plate. - No, man, walk to the kitchen!

- ♪ ♪

- We can't just order Sandra to go to college.

How did trying to get her to stop dating Lindor work out?

- It worked out good for him.

He ended up taking her to the prom.

- Exactly.

She's a teenager.

We push her in one direction,

she goes further in the opposite direction.

So how about we just help guide her?

- Mm-hmm. - Gently?

- [Jeremy sighing]

- Trust me, I got it, I got this.

- All right, I hear you.

Oh, uh, wish me luck.

It's time for round two with Efe's toilet.

Ding, ding, ding!

- Sandra, baby, I wanna talk to you

a little more about-- - Oh, sorry.

I know it's disrespectful to check your phone

in the middle of a conversation.

Please, continue.

- Why are you having second thoughts about college?

I know you don't want to invent computers

or start a rap career.

- No, of course not.

But, I mean, it's just that. I don't know what I want to do.

Why go to college if I don't even know what I'm going for?

- Well, what are you passionate about?

- Oh, sorry, you were saying?

- Look, one of the best ways to become successful

is to find your passion and make a career out of it.

- [Sandra giggling]

- You're fine, go ahead.

What is it?

- I just realized what I'm passionate about.

I mean, it's the first thing that I think of

when I wake up in the morning, the last thing on my mind

before I go to sleep. - Okay, I'm happy for you.

It takes people years to find their passion.

So what is it? - My cell phone!

- Get serious!

- No, but I am.

I mean, it brings me joy.

It's the only thing that I'm enthusiastic about.

It completes me.

- Okay, I get it. You love your smartphone,

but you can't make a career out of it.

- I can if I become a social media influencer.

I mean, I don't even have to go to college for that.

Thank you, Mom.

I finally figured out what I want to do with my life,

and all because of you.

Thanks, Mom!

- Oh, Lord, what am I gonna do with my child?

- [Mr. Brown screaming]

- Grandpa Vinny, what happened?

- [Mr. Brown screaming] Vinny!

- Grandpa Vinny, what happened?

How'd you fall? - I'm dying, I'm dying.

I need Miss Anastasia for some mouth-to-mouth.

- Stop playing!

You look fine. How'd he fall?

- Uh, well, I ate his last Alicia Pea.

- Alicia Pea? - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's his stoner food.

But it was scrumptalicious, too!

But he got up to chase me, and he was so lit,

he tripped and fell and hit his face, bam!

And we know his face is the last thing

that need any more damage. - He lyin'.

Somebody moved the chair and I bumped into it,

that's all that happened.

- Grandpa, nobody moved anything,

and you don't look fine.

- [Vinny groaning] - Get up, here.

- Oh, man.

- You are living an unhealthy lifestyle,

especially for a man your age.

You gonna kill yourself if you don't quit.

- I ain't no quitter, okay?

- Well, maybe we need to have an intervention.

- Now, we don't need to have no existention.

- Intervention. - MR. BROWN: No, no,

what we need is an exorcism.

- Oh, man, I don't need no intervention.

Intervention is for addicts,

and I ain't addicted to nothing, okay?

- Boy, you drink so much,

I bet you your pillowcase is a Crown Royal bag.

- Now that's not a bad idea. - And he smokes so much,

when he poot, I get a contact high.

- Y'all the one who need an intervention, not me.

- Well, I don't need no intervention.

All I drink is communion wine,

and I get a little tipsy drinking that.

- Brown, look at you. You need a fashion intervention.

You look like polyester had a love child

with a box of crayons.

- Grandpa Vinny, we're not criticizing you.

We're just trying to help. - I'm criticizing him.

- Look, I ain't got time for this mess, okay?

- ♪ ♪

- Oh, hey, Mom.

I finally decided on my outfit for the campus tour tomorrow.

- Uh, this look like you're going to a funeral.

- I am. Tomorrow's the day

I finally lay my college aspirations to rest.

- That's not funny, Sandra.

Your father and I just don't understand!

College was always the goal, always.

You worked so hard to get the grades,

the SAT scores,

the perfect college application essay,

and now that your dream has come true,

you just don't want it anymore? - Look, I'm not saying that

I'm not going to college for sure for sure, okay?

I'm just saying that, you know, I'm kind of pretty sure

for the most that I'm not really going to college, maybe.

Does that make sense? - No, it doesn't.

You wanted to go to college ever since you were little.

You remember that Halloween, you were seven?

You wanted to dress up like a college student.

- Yeah. You and Dad got into this huge fight

because you wanted me to wear your sorority sweater

and he wanted me to wear a basketball jersey.

- Everybody has their own idea of college,

but that's what makes it special.

It's a place to learn, to grow, to find yourself,

to make lifelong friends.

- Okay, Mom, I literally have so many friends,

I can't accept any more. - Really?

'Cause I only ever see you with Courtney and the fast girl

with the dookie braids?

- Okay, for your information, I have 5,000 friends.

See, I'm all maxed out.

- For your information,

social media friends are not real friends.

They aren't friends that you share

a unique four years of ups and downs with.

Speaking of friends, didn't you promise Courtney

that you all would go to Spelher together?

- Oh, yeah, we're supposed to be roommates.

Hey, maybe we can both be

social media influencers together instead.

- Or maybe you can keep your promise to her,

and to your parents,

and to yourself and go to college.

- Look, Mom, I'm sorry, I just, I don't know. I can't commit

to that right now. - Sandra.

- I will go to the campus tour tomorrow.

That much, I can promise.

- ♪ ♪

- All right, here he come.

- VINNY: All right, all right, all right, where's the brew,

where's the brew? Where is it? I don't see it.

- All right, all right, look, Grandpa,

this ain't no malt liquor tasting, all right?

Now, I know if I told you the truth about

why we brought you here, then you probably wouldn't have came.

- Oh, this is one of them damn interventions!

Man, I ain't got time for that! - Oh, grab him!

- No, no, no, I don't want to hear that!

I don't have time for this, man! - Please, sit down.

All right, now, listen.

- We all wrote letters that we'd like to read aloud

from the heart.

Mr. Reginald, won't you start?

- Why he got so many pages?

- It's a brisk read, I assure you.

- Mm-hmm.

- Four score and seven months ago,

I met a guy who was in shambles.

His name was Vinny. - Oh, hell no,

I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this! I'm out!

- Hey, hey, sit down. - No, I don't wanna hear that!

- What? Okay. Miss Anastasia, why don't you kick us off?

- Gladly. - Cool.

- Four score and seven-- Meant it, got it.

- Dear Vincent...

- Oh my god.

- Our vices are similar, yours and mine,

as I've always thought of men like alcoholic beverages.

They come in a variety of flavors,

but all intoxicate me just the same.

From hard brown liquor to sweet white wine,

from a quick shot

to a slow sensuous sipping session

that lasts hours and leaves you breathless and spent--

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Anastasia, please.

With all due respect,

can you please skip down to the part after

your inappropriately sexual metaphors?

- Yes. - Thank you.

- In conclusion, Vincent, I would hate for something bad

to happen to you due to your poor health choices

because I am truly your biggest fan.

Sincerely, Anastasia Devereaux, XXXO.

- Thank you.

- That was very touching, Miss Anastasia.

Mr. Brown?

- Brown!

- This remind me of testimony service at church.

First, giving honor to God, who is the head of my life and--

- We have a church here.

- I thought it was church like the-- Okay.

Vinny, I know we get along

like my stomach and a milkshake.

I'm lactose-intolerant, so.

But I sincerely want you to clean up your act,

and I please, please, I want you to stop drinking,

and I definitely want you to exercise and stop smoking.

I'm begging you, please.

Thank you, and I love you.

God bless the church, amen.

- Isn't it moving how much even Mr. Brown cares about you?

- I don't care nothing about him.

I just don't want him to fall and bump his head

and kill his self in this property.

His family be trying to sue me, try to get all the money I got.

I got $40,000 in here. - Come on, Mr. Brown.

You don't want nothing to happen to Grandpa Vinny.

I know you care about him a little bit. Don't you?

Deep, deep inside?

Deep, deep, deep down inside?

- Okay, Vinny, I want you to clean up your act

'cause I consider you a--

I'm--

A [stammering]--

- You sound like a hooptie engine trying to turn over.

- Come on, you can do it. You can do it.

- Friend! - Yes.

- There, I said it, a friend!

- See?

Everybody cares about you.

We all want you to be healthy, even Mr. Brown.

- Kind of.

A little.

Yes.

- So what you say?

- I would say

that my beer is warm and my weed is stale,

and if y'all want me,

I'll be in the hot box in the pantry!

I don't have time for this! - Wait, Grandpa,

you didn't even hear my letter yet.

- Look, Leah, let me just say to you,

there's nothing you can say to me

that's gonna make me stop drinking and smoking

and living the Vinny lifestyle, so if y'all want me,

I'll be in the hot box in the pantry, okay?

- Excessive drinking, smoking, and lack of exercise

can lead to erectile dysfunction.

- Hmm. - You got my attention.

- Older gentlemen who live a clean lifestyle

and exercise regularly perform better sexually,

and they are able to keep their performance active

long into their twilight years.

- I knew there was a reason behind that good eating!

- I could vouch for that. - LEAH: [gasps]

- Miss Anastasia!

Stay out of that east hallway.

- Brown, don't just sit there! Let's go exercise, man!

Come on, man!

- I'm exercising in case I wanna do love!

- Ain't nobody gonna do love with you!

- How was the campus tour?

- It was amazing.

I met so many smart women from all over the country.

I mean, we had so much in common.

I made, like, 20 new friends.

I can't wait to go to college.

- You should be so proud of yourself, Leah.

You're quite the motivator. - It wasn't me.

Honestly, it was the campus and the college atmosphere.

It really inspired her!

- Oh no, I'm talking about the letter you read to Vincent,

about clean living, exercise, and sexual performance.

- I'm sorry? I don't follow.

- All the boys did.

That warning letter motivated them all!

- MR. BROWN: Come on! Two, three, come on!

- Oh, my baby's out there!

Go, baby!

- ♪ ♪

- ♪ ♪

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