Original subtitles

- Ah, baby. Baby, please.

We got an emergency. Call 911.

- What's wrong? Do you have a fever or chills?

- No. - Okay.

What? Did you hurt something? - No.

- Are you having chest pains? Problem breathing?

- No, it's worse. - What?

- It's worse, I got a gray hair.

- Boy, you've been gray since you were in your 20's.

- Baby, not on my head.

- Boy, if you don't get on somewhere.

I thought you was really talkin' about somethin'.

- Baby, this is serious. I'm too young to have gray hair.

It's gotta be some type of, some type of virus or something.

- You might have Morgan Freemanitis.

- It's called aging.

I can't believe you're overreacting.

- No. No, no, no, no.

I'm still a young man. I'm in my prime.

- Prime? - Young?

- You threw your back out the other night in bed.

- Hey, oh, hey. I did not need to know that.

- Relax.

He was just getting the remote control.

- So I could turn the volume up so you didn't hear me in there-

- Hey, hey, hey. That is disgusting.

I just, I just thought you guys couldn't hear the TV.

- How do you think you got here? - I didn't need to know

that it was during the reruns of "Martin".

- Can we change the subject please?

- And get me a therapist.

- No, no. I am too young to be old.

- It is not the end of the world.

Calm down.

- Yeah, calm down, old man.

We don't want your heart rate too high at this age.

- Oh yeah?

How 'bout we step outside and handle this like men?

- [sighs] You are not gonna hurt my baby.

- No, no. I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'm challenging you to a foot race.

- Mm, I accept that challenge.

Get your joint ointment ready.

- ♪ No matter what you do, I love you ♪

♪ No matter where you go, I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember, love ain't never walked ♪

♪ We'll make it if we stay together ♪

- Dirty, low down, hateration, trickeration.

- Mr. Brown, would you calm down?

- Cyrus, son of a biscuit eater. - What? Hey, hey, hey.

Mr. Brown, you need to watch your language.

- Ooh, Cora, he got me about to cuss.

- Mr. Brown, who got you so upset?

- Oh, I'm so mad. I can't even talk about it right now.

Cora, you gotta tell her.

- Um, deacon at- - Deacon Dumond, better known as

Demon Deacon Dumond, was a deacon at our church.

- Okay, well what did he do to get you so upset?

- I'm so hot. I can't even talk about it.

I'm hotter than stolen fish grease.

Cora, tell her.

- Yeah, all he did was- - All he did was went and died.

That's what he did.

- Oh, the audacity! How dare he!

- Okay, wait, there's more.

He had the nerve to ask me to speak at his eulogy

on his dying bed.

Cora, if you're gonna tell the story, tell the story.

- Well, that was a bad thing?

- If you say one more thing,

I'm gonna take your bottom lip and staple it to your forehead.

- Some people can't get a word in edgewise.

- Well, Deacon Dumond was loved by everybody at the church,

but him and Mr. Brown had this silly little rivalry for years.

- That man was spreadin' rumors about me.

He was prostitutin' my name.

And tell everybody I was the one

eatin' all the communion crackers.

- It's persecuting and it's not a rumor if it's true.

- Cora, you know the pastor's sermons be long

and my sugar was low.

- You were the one who was trying to cover it up

by replacing the crackers with wheat bread.

- Well, Cora, I sure wasn't gonna use white bread.

You know the Lord's hair's like lamb's wool and his skin is

the color of wheat bread. And that's Bible.

- Mr. Brown, so why don't you just write the eulogy

and be done with it?

- No, he think it's dishonest to say something nice about

somebody just because they died.

- He knew I was gonna either have to stand there and lie

or tell the truth and have everybody mad at me.

And I don't lie.

I don't lie. Right, Cora?

- I don't lie either, Mr. Brown. - You a liar.

- Wow, that is pretty devious.

- You know what? I think he died on purpose

just to get the last laugh.

- Babe, have you seen my runnin' shoes?

- Wait a minute, you runnin'? - Mm-hmm.

- You know, I don't understand why people run for fun.

I'm either running from something

or running to something.

- Oh no, me and Philip are about to have a race.

- Jeremy found a gray hair this morning,

so now he's trying to prove he's not gettin' old.

- Okay, I got, I gotta go get my thoughts together.

Yeah, I gotta find one of those books with a whole bunch

of words that say the same thing.

- A thesaurus. - Okay, I'm talking about books

and you want to go start talking about dinosaurs.

First gray hair, now you're losing your mind.

Ugh...

- Oh, boy. - Hey Jeremy.

Before you run off, I've got some papers

I need you to look over and sign, okay?

- Okay.

Oh. I think it's something wrong with your printer

'cause this is real blurry. - Mm-mm.

Nothing's wrong with the printer, those are your eyes.

I've been telling you all week. You need to go get 'em checked.

- Uh-uh. - Okay, here, here.

I got somethin' for you, baby. Here you go.

Try these out.

I'm tellin' you, they'll help you.

- Oh, that cleared right up. - [chuckling]

- Uh, excuse me, ma'am, can you tell my dad I'm ready to race?

- Ooh.

- Oh, you wrong for that.

- Boy, you crazy.

Oop, I ain't laughin'. - Sorry.

- How's the eulogy comin', Mr. Brown?

- [sighs] Cora, uh, it's comin' all right.

Here's what I got so far. - Okay.

- Here lies Deacon Dumond. - That sounds good.

- He dead. Thank you for coming.

- Is that it?

- Oh yeah, and uh, we got fried fish in the fellowship hall.

- Mr. Brown, how about you talk about his life

and some of his biggest accomplishments?

- His biggest accomplishment was dying.

I ain't fittin' to lie. - Well, I know.

I'm not gonna tell you to lie, but you could talk about, uh,

some positive attributes and some of his hobbies.

- Okay, okay. Here, try this one.

- Okay. - Here lies Deacon Dumond.

- That's good. - He had two arms, two legs,

and he was a pain in my butt til the day he died.

- Mr. Brown, that is not good. - Oh, oh.

And don't forget Shirley's potato salad right there.

- Okay, all right, look, I think I got an idea.

How about you use somebody around here to do a eulogy on?

I mean, it'll get your creative juices flowing and-

- Uh-uh, Cora, I don't feel comfortable doin' that.

- Why? - It's like I'll be

jinxing somebody with death. I can't do-- Mm-mm.

- You can. That's a good idea.

- What you two dummies doing? - What was you sayin'?

I'm gonna leave you to it. - Okay.

- Would you bring me a beer?

- Who he talkin' to, Mr. Brown? - He's talkin' to you, Cora.

- No, he's not talking to me, 'cause if I bring it,

you better not drink it. - Well, I'm telling you, man.

These kids today, they ain't got no respect.

- No, not like back in the day.

Back in the day, they used to have respect.

It ain't like friends that, uh, would let people practice

eulogies on 'em and stuff.

- What the hell are you talking about, Brown?

- Okay, I gotta write this stupid eulogy,

and I'm having a mental block.

- Well, I'm pretty sure you was born with that.

- Anyway.

Nah, I gotta write this eulogy for a guy that died

at the church and, uh, y'all kinda act alike.

- Oh, you mean like funny, handsome and charming?

- No. Mean, ignorant, and a pain in the butt.

No shade. - Oh, none taken.

Well, I'll let you do it, if you go get me a beer.

- Oh, that's gonna be easier than I thought, then.

- See, I'm cheap and easy like that,

but you gotta say nice stuff about me, you know,

like your mama.

No shade. - None taken.

- The champ is here. - What the hell? What?

- The champ is here. - What's wrong with you?

- Ah, ah. I finally beat my dad in a race.

Ma, everybody, I did it! I did it!

- [laughing]

- Where is he? Where he go?

- He went to tell everybody you suck.

- Man, I can't believe you let that boy beat you, man.

You know, technically he is now the man of the house.

- What?

- He gets the biggest piece of chicken now.

- You ain't supposed to let your son beat you at nothin', man.

That's the rules of nature. What is wrong with you?

- Man, he got the start on me. What was I supposed to do?

- You were supposed to fake an injury,

then forfeit the race and never give him a rematch.

- First my hair, then I need reading glasses.

Now this. I'm not ready to be old.

- You just gotta suck it up, man.

As long as you aren't having no problem downstairs,

you're good, man.

- Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm good.

I'm good.

You know, I may have had a couple of flats,

but that's 'cause I was tired.

- Well, it's downhill from there.

Join the club.

- First you get the Kangol,

and then you get some brown liquor, man.

- And don't forget the hair dye and the Brut.

- And I can hook you up with some Viagra, man.

- Nah, uh-uh, uh-uh, you know what?

I'm good. Y'all can keep that Kangol,

the brown liquor, the old folk's cologne and the hair dye.

I'm not goin' out like that.

But uh, what's up with that fix a flat?

- Oh, man, I got a box full in my room, man.

I know what you need. I got all kinds of stuff--

- Oh no, I ain't doin' love. I'm syllabus.

- Okay, that's my bud. - [laughing]

- Yo. [laughing]

Yeah, yo, comin' to you live from the crib 'bout to turn up.

[laughing] - Jeremy, what are you doing?

- Huh? - Why you got on Sandra's jeans?

- Oh, you wildin'. These are mine.

Yo, we up in the crib. I got my fam with me, yo.

This is my baby mom right there. - You mean your wife?

- No, this is my queen- - Yeah, and I'm his son.

- His only son. - Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, I just beat him in a race, a foot race.

Just right now for the first time.

Oh, you want my tag? Yeah, Philip the Kid.

Hey, why you only got three viewers?

- Yeah, go ahead, bro.

- Oh, wait, it's goin' up, four viewers.

- All right. - Hey, what's up, Mr. Brown?

- Aight. - Aight.

- Aight, aight, look- - Man.

- Look, it's my time right now, aight?

You ain't even beat me in that race.

First of all, you cheated.

Secondly, the sun got in my eyes.

Thirdly, it was black ice, yo.

- First off, it was 80 degrees outside.

Second off, your knee went out.

I told you about that joint cream.

- [clears throat] - So you're a weatherman now?

Okay, aight. Well, look, we can race again right now.

It's nothin'. - I would, but I got homework

and, and Mom wanted me to do some stuff, so-

- Yeah, I bet you do, nerd. - What?

- Hey, you're my dad.

You're supposed to encourage me to do my homework.

- Yeah, oh, whatever. Player hater.

- Player hater? - Whoa.

- You know what? No, forget it.

We can race. Yeah, let's do it.

- Oh, aight, aight. Look, y'all heard it here first.

This is about to go down again.

Uh-huh, yeah, it's about to be a lituation.

Okay, J-Rock out.

- J-Rock? - Lituation?

- Yeah, what's the problem?

- Nobody says that. You just made that word up.

- Yeah, man. Y'all some suckers.

- Suckers! We're suckers?

- You mixing all types of years right now.

- Oh my gosh.

- Look, Peep. - Peep?

- We're about to do one of them dance challenge videos.

Aight? Okay? - A dance challenge video?

- Yeah. - What's goin' on, man?

- Nah, nah, it's gonna be litty. It's gonna be litty.

- Litty? No, the jeans are gettin' to you.

Go take 'em off, man.

- Uh, uh, I gotta go... finish up some stuff.

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, we gonna do this real quick.

Come on, come on. We gotta turn up.

Do it for the gram. Let's do it for the gram.

- Nobody says that anymore.

- Okay, look, come on, come on-- - I brought it back, come on.

- Let's just do it. Come on.

- The next thing he's gonna say is jive turkeys.

- [laughing]

It's 1972 in his mind.

- Okay, look, y'all just get back, line up, line up.

Now, look, I don't got time to be doing this all day.

I gotta get back to my followers, all right?

- You talkin' about the three of 'em?

- [laughing]

- Look, it's like six steps. Real easy, all right?

- Okay. - Pay attention.

It's boom, boom.

Cat, cat.

Boom, boom.

Twiddle dee,

twiddle dum,

freeze,

then slide, all right?

- All right. You want me? Okay.

All right, so boom, boom,

cat, cat,

boom, boom,

twiddle dee,

twiddle dum,

freeze. - Yeah, there you go.

- Slide. - There you go, there you go.

- Yeah, that's nice, nice.

You got it. - Come on.

- Boom, boom? - Mm-hmm.

- Cat, cat? - Mm-hmm.

- Yo, yo. - There's no passion in it.

- It's cat, cat. - There's no passion in it.

- Boom, boom, cat, cat.

- No, no, don't change your voice.

Just do the dance. - Oh-hoo!

Okay. Boom, boom? - Yeah.

- Cat, cat? - Mm-hmm.

- Boom, boom? - Right.

- Tweedle dee. - Mm-hmm, you lost it.

- Tweedle dum? - Yeah, what's up with your mom?

- You lost the energy.

- He looks so peaceful, Mr. Brown.

They did such a good job. They got his makeup right.

- Cora, he looks like he's asleep, but oh,

it looks like he's just asleep. - Yeah.

- I am asleep, y'all. I mean, come on.

Can we just get on with this? Let's just do this, huh?

- Okay, okay. - Damn.

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to say good-bye to Vincent "Vinny" Washington.

Vinny was a man that really loved...

- [Vinny snoring]

- Vinny was a man who...

Who was asleep at his own funeral.

Vinny wake up, don't be snoring! - What? What is it?

What now? Can we just do this?

Come on, now. - No, you-

- I'm up! I'm up! Okay, I'm up!

- Well, you fell asleep and you were snoring,

and you distractin' Mr. Brown.

- Okay, I'm up. - Start over.

- I'm up.

- It sound like he draggin' furniture across the floor.

- Okay, I'm up. All right, I'm good.

Here we go.

- We are gathered here today to say good-bye to

"Vinny" Vincent Washington.

Vinny was a man who, who really,

really loved from his heart.

Vinny was a man, what?

Who watches TV at their own eulogy?

What? Vinny, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to watch my stories, man.

Veronica's tryin' to kill David and Jesse, man.

Come on, man.

- Why don't you just DVR, record it or somethin'?

- Look, I just got rid of my damn pager.

I don't know about no damn DVR.

- Would you give me that remote? - Okay.

- Give me this remote. I'll record it for you.

- All right, all right, all right, we gonna do it.

We'll do it. We got it. Here we go.

- Can you just lay there and play, just play dead.

- Okay. I got you.

- Without snorin' or watching TV.

- I'm dead. Okay. No problem, I'm good.

- Get back quiet. Get back deep.

- I'm deep. - Vinny loved his family.

- He did.

- He always cared for his family.

He would do anything for his family.

How's that look, Cora?

- [crying] - What you doin'?

- I'm just chillin' at a little ol' funeral.

[laughs] Who? Mine.

You ever get busy with a dead man?

You know, rigor mortis is about to sit in my-

- Vinny! - Vinny!

- What now? What? What is it?

- I mean-- - We can hear you.

- Yes, put the phone down.

- Why y'all eavesdropping? That's why.

- You've got to be the most selfish man I've ever seen.

And you're nasty.

- Well, y'all ain't got no business eavesdropping on me.

I'm tryin' to have a phone call.

- All I asked you to do was lay there and be dead,

so I can say something nice about you.

But no, you couldn't do that.

You got to sit there and just do all kind...

You couldn't just lay there and let me say nice stuff.

- Uh, you know what?

I-I think, I think we need, uh, we need an intermission.

- And who told you to go and die and leave me

with one less friend?

- Okay, all right, Mr. Brown.

I think we really need to take a break.

- That's a good idea 'cause I got some unfinished business

I need to take care of.

Hey there, girl. Guess who has arisen?

I'm on my way. Oh, excuse me.

- Cora, I don't know what came over me.

It's like I was possessed by a Karen or something.

- Well, you know, Mr. Brown,

I think deep down within,

y'all were friends. You need a tissue?

- I don't even know why me and Deacon fell out

in the first place.

- Well, that's usually how it happens.

- Cora, before, before me and Deke fell out, boy, we...

We had some good times. - Y'all did?

- Yeah. - Yeah, like what?

- Uh, oh, like the time that the ladies were having

the women's conference and we switched the sign

from the women's conference to where they was having the

drag queen conference next door. - Y'all didn't?

- It took Sister Shirley a half a day to figure out

she was in the wrong place.

- [laughing] Now that's funny.

- Her makeup was much better after that conference.

- Oh, I bet it was. You know, they can beat a face.

- Yeah. Hey, at least she recruited some bass singers

for the female choir, the woman's choir, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Boy, I miss ole Deke so much. I miss him.

- I know. I know, Mr. Brown. - Cora, I miss him.

- I know. I know. I know. - Cora, I'm missin' him.

- You missing him? - I'm breakin' down, Cora.

- Don't break down, don't break down. But you know what?

- I'm fittin' to break down like a used box, Cora.

- Wait, wait, wait. Mr. Brown?

- Hmm, I miss him, Cora.

- You got your eulogy. - Yeah.

I'm trying to keep from crying. - Oh, okay, well...

- We gotta talk about this

early midlife crisis you're going through.

- Whatever. It's all good in the neighborhood.

J-Rock chillin'.

- Uh, the only people that speak in third person are

rappers, athletes and Elmo.

You are none of the above.

- You just ain't hear my mixtape yet.

- Seriously? Okay, Jeremy, look, now, we got to talk about

these smedium jeans and all these dance videos.

- Yo, it's nothin', aight? I'm doin' me.

I'm doin' me. Yo, just relax.

Always on my back.

- Always on your back?

You bullied your son into a foot race

and you're acting like high school Jeremy.

And all of this because of a single gray hair?

- Look, it's not just the gray hair.

It's everything.

I feel like I'm gettin' old and it's terrifying.

- You are not getting old. You're growing up.

You have two beautiful children.

You own your own business and you have a stunning wife.

- Yeah, see, that's just the thing.

I woke up this morning

and suddenly I don't feel like a kid anymore.

I mean, I got a daughter that's about to

graduate from high school.

I got a son that I'm no longer faster than.

- And you have a stunning wife. - Yeah, that too.

- [sighs] And I'm thankful for all of that.

It's just I'm at that age where men start fallin' off

and stop enjoying life.

And baby, I just don't want to fall into that rut.

- You aren't because you are the cool dad and you always will be,

baby, no matter how old you get.

- Boy, you still prancin' around in them skinny-ass jeans?

You too old for them jeans, son.

- I wasn't prancin' and I'm not old.

- Well, that's what it look like, man.

Them jeans is so tight, look like you got

a home vasectomy kit.

- I was just telling Jeremy that it doesn't matter

how old you get as long as you stay young at heart.

- Man, forget all that.

Where I'm from, getting old is a privilege

that you ought to be grateful for, man.

- Grandpa, we from two different generations.

- Are they really that different?

How many of your friends are locked up or died young?

Huh? How many?

- More than I can count.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The big dog is back on top.

Order has been restored to nature.

- Hey, I take it you won? - What?

I got him. I beat that boy like he stole somethin'.

Good race, Son.

But that daddy speed always prevails.

The joint cream is in the cabinet.

I'm gonna take a shower. - Okay, baby.

Ooh, goodness gracious. Um.

You let him win, didn't you? - Yeah, I did.

I was tired of the J-Rock and the skinny jeans

and the live with only three viewers.

Yeah, I can't let him go out like that.

- Thank you, baby.

- He really, he really needs a...needs some help, like,

like a shoutout maybe or... - Yeah?

- Go live with other people. - Right, right, right.

- Get some more viewers. - I know.

- But y'all's social media presence isn't that good.

- Whoa, we talking about your daddy, not me.

- I mean, like 63 followers? - I got more than him.

- Yeah, 27, 63. They're both not good.

They're not good, Ma. - Keep talking.

We gonna have peas tonight, okra...

- Okay. - Liver.

- You right. I'm sorry.

- Boy, what are you lookin' at? Get off my head.

- You got lint or something. - Get it out.

- Oh, wait. That's, that's a gray hair.

- What? What did you just say?

- A gray hair? - Right here?

- Right. [screaming] Get my tweezers.

- Ma, embrace the gray!

- ♪

- ♪

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