Original subtitles

(TOMMY VOICE-OVER): LAST TIME ON 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN...

YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT TWINS--

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

THE BIG GIANT HEAD IS TELLING YOU

THE MISSION IS OVER.

NO! OVER?

TRANSMISSION ENDING IN 3, 2, 1.

AH-CHOO!

WHAT DO THEY MEAN OUR MISSION'S CANCELED?

DISCARDED LIKE A LEMON RIND

OR SOME KIND OF HAT

THAT PEOPLE DON'T LIKE TO WEAR ANYMORE.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

THOSE HATS COME BACK INTO STYLE!

AND YOU WISH YOU STILL HAD 'EM.

YOU DO. YOU DO!

CANCELED? I WAS ABOUT TO BECOME

VERY ATTRACTIVE TO GIRLS OVER 12.

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING.

THIS IS HORRIBLE. HOW AM I GONNA LEAVE MARY?

SHE'S EVERYTHING TO ME.

I'M GONNA ASK HER TO COME.

OH! NO!

YOU CAN'T BRING HER. SHE'D BE CLASSIFIED AS CONTRABAND.

YEAH, IF I CAN'T BRING SALTWATER TAFFY,

YOU CAN'T BRING ALBRIGHT.

BUT HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT HER?

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT DON?

I CAN'T LEAVE HIM THE PATHETIC, MUFFIN-MAKING MESS

THAT HE IS.

AH, PIPE DOWN.

YOU KNEW THE MISSION WAS GONNA END.

NOW IT'S ENDING. GET IT TOGETHER.

OK, SEE? HERE IT COMES.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GET LIKE THIS

WHEN MISSIONS COME TO AN END?

YEAH. GOOD-BYE, TEENAGER.

HELLO, CROTCHETY OLD MAN.

AH...

GET YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE HAVE TO LEAVE ON SATURDAY ANYWAY,

WE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A BIG GOING-AWAY PARTY.

HARRY, THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.

IT WILL GIVE US A CHANCE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

RIGHT. "GOOD-BYE HUMANS, WE'RE GOING BACK

TO OUR HOME PLANET IN OUTER SPACE."

THEN THEY CAN DISSECT US ON THE TARMAC.

WE'LL HAVE A PARTY. A PARTY WITH A SPACE THEME.

OH, THAT'S NOT ANNOYING.

AND PEOPLE WILL BE ENCOURAGED

TO GET THEIR SWERVE ON.

EXACTLY.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A DESIGNATED DRIVER

FOR THE FLIGHT HOME.

NOT IT!

NOT IT. NOT IT.

DAMN.

HEY, SALLY.

HEY, DON.

I'M ON MY WAY TO TURN IN MY STUFF DOWN AT THE STATION,

AND I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST

TO TRY MY BRAND-NEW, WORLD-FAMOUS...

BANANA BREAD MUFFINS!

OH.

IT'S--IT'S BIG.

I COULDN'T FIND THOSE LITTLE CUPCAKE PAPERS,

SO I HAD TO USE COFFEE FILTERS.

OH, MY GOD, DON. PLEASE BECOME A COP AGAIN.

NO WAY.

I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THAT LIFE.

I'M FRAGILE.

I'M GONNA LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET...

YOU KNOW HOW I'VE WON EVERY LUMBERJACK COMPETITION I'VE EVER BEEN IN

WITHOUT ANY PREVIOUS LUMBERJACKING EXPERIENCE?

YEAH.

AND REMEMBER THAT TIME I SHOWED YOU HOW TO MAKE A CANNON OUT OF A COCONUT?

YEAH.

OK, WELL... [CLEARS THROAT]

I'M A HIGHLY TRAINED SECURITY AND WEAPONS SPECIALIST.

YOU ARE?

NO.

OH, YES.

WOW, SALLY.

ANY TIME I'VE TAKEN MY GUN APART, I HAD TO BUY A NEW GUN.

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, WITH THE FEDS OR SOMETHING?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BUT A LITTLE BIT BIGGER.

INTERPOL?

I'VE BEEN UNDERCOVER HERE FOR YEARS.

I CAN'T TELL YOU MY MISSION--

IT WILL PUT YOU IN JEOPARDY--

BUT WHAT YOU JUST SAW ME DO TO THAT GUN,

I'M GONNA DO TO YOU.

I'VE GOT SCIATICA.

DON, I'M GONNA REBUILD YOU FROM THE GROUND UP

MAKE YOU BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER THAN YOU EVER BEEN BEFORE

WHY?

'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, DONNY.

'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.

DID YOU FINISH THE PARTY PLAN?

OH, YEAH. CHECK IT OUT...

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT?

"MUSIC: AM RADIO"?

"FOOD: FANCY MIXED NUTS"?

"PAPER NAPKINS: QUESTION MARK"?

THIS IS PATHETIC, MAN.

IF WE HAVE TO THROW A PARTY,

LET'S AT LEAST DO IT RIGHT.

DUDE, WE ARE BROKE.

WE HAVE BEEN BROKE FOR 6 YEARS.

OK.

WE'LL CHARGE IT.

MAX OUT OUR CREDIT CARDS.

WHOA, WE CAN DO THAT?

YEAH, BY THE TIME THEY SEND US THE BILL,

WE'LL BE IN ANOTHER GALAXY 30 TRILLION MILES AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY DOESN'T DO THAT.

[PUMP IT UP BY ELVIS COSTELLO PLAYING]

* I'VE BEEN A TENTER HOOKS *

* ENDING IN DIRTY LOOKS

* LISTEN TO THE MUZAK, THINKIN' 'BOUT THIS AND THAT *

* SHE SAID THAT'S THAT

* I DON'T WANT TO CHITTER CHAT *

[GUNSHOT] [CAT YOWLS]

* TURN IT DOWN FLAT

* PUMP IT UP, WHEN YOU DON'T REALLY NEED IT *

* PUMP IT UP, UNTIL YOU CAN FEEL IT *

* DOWN IN THE PLEASURE CENTER *

* HELL BENT OR HEAVEN SENT

* LISTEN TO THE PROPAGANDA LISTEN TO THE LATEST SLANDER *

* THERE'S NOTHING UNDERHAND *

* THAT SHE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND *

* PUMP IT UP, UNTIL YOU CAN FEEL IT *

* PUMP IT UP, WHEN YOU DON'T REALLY NEED IT *

* HEY!

ALL RIGHT, DON.

CHOOSE.

MUFFIN...

OR GUN?

WHO ARE YOU, DON?

ARE YOU A COP...

OR ARE YOU A MUFFINEER?

I'M A COP!

I'M A COP WHO WANTS A MUFFIN.

AND THE STUDENT BECOMES THE MASTER.

WHEN WE WERE FIRST HERE,

I USED TO COME TO THE PLANETARIUM

WHENEVER I FELT HOME SICK.

AWW.

WHICH ONE'S YOURS?

MINE?

YEAH.

YOU SEE THE LITTLE BRIGHT ONE DOWN BY THE HORIZON?

THAT'S HOME.

NICE, HUH?

YEAH.

I WISH I COULD SEE IT UP CLOSE.

HOW'S SATURDAY...

AROUND MIDNIGHT.

WHAT?

MARY, THE MISSION'S OVER.

I HAVE TO GO BACK.

FIRST YOU TELL ME YOU'RE AN ALIEN,

AND THEN 2 DAYS LATER YOU TELL ME YOU'RE LEAVING EARTH?

I DIDN'T SAY FOREVER.

OH, SO YOU CAN COME BACK?

NO, IT'S FOREVER. OH!

COME WITH ME.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, BUT...

TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE ON ANOTHER PLANET?

MARY, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START DATING AGAIN?

ESPECIALLY AT YOUR AGE?

SATURDAY, HUH?

OK, I'LL DO IT!

THIS PLACE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

IT'S AMAZING WHAT $19,000 CAN DO TO AN ATTIC.

OH, HEY, BY THE WAY, I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

IT SAYS "TOMMY."

OH, THANKS, MAN.

I LIKED IT SO MUCH, I GOT ME ONE, TOO.

YOURS ALSO SAYS "TOMMY."

YEAH, YOU WERE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA MISS EARTH EVEN A LITTLE BIT?

YOU KNOW, A MISSION STARTS, A MISSION ENDS, FRIEND.

I'VE DONE THIS TOO MANY TIMES.

I DON'T EVEN UNPACK ANYMORE.

LET'S JUST ENJOY OUR LITTLE PARTY, SHALL WE?

WELL, I'M GONNA GO MINGLE.

OK.

AW, MAN!

OH, GOD.

OW! OW! CATERERS.

GREAT, GREAT. WHERE'S THE SPATULA?

WHERE'S THE SPATULA?

SPATULA...WE ALWAYS HAVE THE SPATULA RIGHT HERE.

WHERE'S THE STUPID SPATULA?

WHERE'S THAT EARTH SPATULA?

[SOBBING] I...DON'T...WANNA...GO!

MMM...

SPINACH PUFFS.

GOOD PARTY.

MARY!

HI, DICK!

THIS IS SO IRONIC.

ALIENS THROWING AN ALIEN PARTY.

IS ANY OF THIS STUFF AUTHENTIC?

THE DIP IS.

MARY, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE COMING WITH US TO THE HOME PLANET.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU OFF.

SO, I GUESS IN SPACE I'LL BE YOUR TROPHY GIRLFRIEND.

YOU'LL BE THE SIZE OF A TROPHY.

WHAT? OH, LOOK, TAPENADE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, DICK?

YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS A MASQUERADE BALL

RECREATING THE COURT OF KING LOUIS XVI.

I KNOW, ISN'T IT GREAT?

I AM GONNA GET YOU BACK, DICK SOLOMON.

DON'T SPEAK.

I WANNA REMEMBER YOU JUST AS YOU ARE.

HA HA HA!

AND NOW FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT

IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN OUR DREAM

TO GET THE GUY WHO PLAYS WIPEOUT ON PAINT CANS

OUT IN FRONT OF THE BUS STATION

TO COME AND PLAY OUR PARTY.

TONIGHT, THAT DREAM HAS COME TRUE.

BUT FIRST, WE GOT THIS OTHER GUY...

ELVIS COSTELLO.

* FLY ME TO THE MOON

* AND LET ME PLAY AMONG THE STARS *

* LET ME KNOW WHAT SPRING IS LIKE *

* ON JUPITER AND MARS

* IN OTHER WORDS

* HOLD MY HAND

* IN OTHER WORDS

* DARLING, KISS ME

OH, HARRY, OUR LITTLE TEATIME NOONER TODAY

WAS ONE OF THE BEST EVER.

SHH!

LOOK, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LAY LOW FOR A WHILE, OK?

I'M GOING OUT OF TOWN.

AW, YOU'LL BE BACK.

SHH!

THEY ALWAYS COME BACK. YEAH.

HA HA HA!

SALLY, I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU AND MARY HAVE BECOME SO CLOSE.

OH, NO, SHE'S COMING.

THEY SAID THAT WE COULD BRING SPECIMENS.

I'M BRINGING A ROCK, A TWIG, AND MARY.

FINE, WHATEVER.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE'S SITTING ON THE HUMP.

NOW, IS THAT FAIR? SALLY?

* IN OTHER WORDS

* PLEASE BE TRUE

* IN OTHER WORDS

* IN OTHER WORDS

* IN OTHER WORDS

* I LOVE YOU

[APPLAUSE]

HEY, ALBRIGHT, WHAT'S THE DEAL HERE?

I CAN TELL YOU ANYTHING, RIGHT?

WELL, YOU HAVE.

DICK IS AN ALIEN,

AND I'M GOING TO TRAVEL WITH HIM ON A SPACESHIP

AND BE THE SIZE OF A TROPHY.

OK, GO EASY ON THE CHAMPAGNE.

I'M NOT DRIVING YOU HOME AGAIN.

I JUST FINISHED SHAMPOOING MY CARPETS

FROM THE LAST TIME.

NO, NINA...

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

LOOK, I THINK THE CATERERS FIXED UP A LITTLE PLATE

FOR YOU AND THE REST OF THE GUYS IN THE KITCHEN,

BUT I'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T EAT IN FRONT OF THE GUESTS.

WELL, THAT'S FINE,

BUT I'D SURE LIKE TO GET PAID SOMETIME, HARRY.

YOU BOY BANDS ARE ALL IN IT FOR THE MONEY, AREN'T YOU?

OH, OH, OH!

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OHH!

UM, EVERYBODY PLEASE, I,

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TONIGHT

I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS A SPACE THEME, HE DIDN'T TELL ME

FRIENDS, WITH YOUR HELP AND LOVE

YOU'VE SHOWN US HOW TO MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD

AND WHEN THE WORLD HASN'T MADE ANY SENSE AT ALL,

YOU'VE TAUGHT US TO SIT BACK AND ENJOY IT.

YOU'VE TAUGHT US WHAT'S RIGHT, WHAT'S REAL,

AND WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THIS PLANET,

AND FOR THAT, WE ARE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP.

I WANNA LEAVE, BUT THERE'S A SPACESHIP BLOCKING MY CAR.

SPACESHIP? HA HA HA!

HA HA-- LET'S GO! HA HA-- LET'S GO!

OH, GREAT! THEY DIDN'T TRUST US TO LEAVE ON OUR OWN,

AND NOW WE'RE BUSTED.

Harry: DICK--

OK. START OUT BY TELLING THEM

WE'RE NOT GOING TO HARM ANYBODY.

WE HAVE NO SPECIAL POWERS.

RIGHT. DICK--

IF THEY DON'T BUY THAT, TELL THEM WE DO HAVE SPECIAL POWERS.

DICK?

HARRY, SHH!

UH...

AHEM!

PEOPLE OF EARTH, WE COME IN PEACE.

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID PEOPLE OF EARTH.

SALLY, TOMMY, HARRY, COME JOIN ME HERE, MY FELLOW ALIENS.

THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID MY FELLOW ALIENS.

Y--

HUH?

CITIZENS OF RUTHERFORD...

WHOSE VEHICLE IS THIS?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I TRIED TO TELL YOU.

I GOT IT FOR THE PARTY.

WELL, IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE MOON BOUNCY THING.

HARRY, IS THIS YOUR VEHICLE?

YEAH.

WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRITE YOU UP.

ALL NOVELTY VEHICLES MUST HAVE A PERMIT DISPLAYED.

EVEN THE WIENERMOBILE'S GOT ONE.

HEY, DONNY,

YOU DID IT.

YOU'RE A COP AGAIN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SORRY I CAN'T STAY.

I GOT A 3-12 OVER IN ATHERTON,

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME,

I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

WELL, HEY, GIVE ME A MINUTE, WILL YOU?

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE TAKING A POWDER.

DON'T GO SOFT ON ME, SOLOMON.

WHEN WAS I EVER SOFT?

AND, SALLY...

THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO BE A MAN.

THAT'S NOTHIN'.

THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO BE A WOMAN.

OH, GO--

OH!

[PANTING]

IF YOU EVER NEED BACKUP...

I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.

DON! DON, DON'T GO, DON!

SALLY!

TOMMY, WE HAVE TO GET TO THE FIELD!

WAIT! I WANT TO TAKE ONE LAST LOOK AT MY FRIENDS.

UH, MARY, TO BE FAIR,

THEY'RE MOSTLY OUR FRIENDS.

I'M NOT EVEN PAYING THIS.

Sally: HOW LONG?

5 MINUTES.

I'M GONNA MISS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLANET.

I ONLY HOPE THAT IN SOME SMALL WAY,

MY HANDSOME GOOD LOOKS HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE.

WELL...

GOOD-BYE, GIRLS.

VERONIQUE...

CINDY. CINDY.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MISS THE MOST, TOMMY?

UH...

THE WAY THE SKY LOOKS FROM MY BEDROOM WINDOW.

I'M GOING TO MISS THE FIRST TIME YOU PUT ON A NEW SHIRT.

HOW ABOUT FIBER?

SHOES!

FEET.

BROTHERS WHO SELL MATTRESSES ON TV.

SNEEZING.

MEL GIBSON.

AHH. AHH. AHH.

SNOW?

EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO THIS!

MARY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, I'M SO SORRY!

WHAT, WHAT IS IT?

OH, I CAN'T. I'M AFRAID.

I'M LEAVING MY--MY PLANET, MY--MY FRIENDS, MY BODY, EVERYTHING!

BUT WE'LL HAVE EACH OTHER.

OH, BUT IT WON'T BE THE SAME.

WE'LL BE TOGETHER.

NO, I--I CAN'T!

I--

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU BELONG HERE, MARY.

WE FELL IN LOVE BECAUSE YOU WERE A HUMAN ON EARTH,

AND SO WAS I.

OH.

I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.

IF IT WOULD HELP,

I CAN MAKE YOU FORGET.

BUT HOW? I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD ANY SPECIAL POWERS.

NO, IT'S NOT A SPECIAL POWER.

IT'S MORE OF A GIMMICK.

NO, THAT SOUNDS AWFUL.

I DON'T WANT TO FORGET YOU.

BUT, MARY, IT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM HURT.

WHAT WE HAD TOGETHER WILL REMAIN,

DEEP INSIDE YOU,

AND YOU'LL KNOW IT'S THERE.

IT'LL BE A FEELING.

DICK, IT'S TIME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OK.

AS LONG AS I CAN ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

YOU WILL,

AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

NOW, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO STAND VERY STILL.

OW! JEEZ!

TOO LOW. I'M SORRY. I--I ONLY JUST READ ABOUT THIS.

LIEUTENANT.

INFORMATION OFFICER.

TRANSMITTER.

All 3: HIGH COMMANDER.

MY FAMILY.

DICK, I'M LEAKING.

[CRYING]

* ACROSS THE VOID WE COME A-WARPING *

Harry joins in: * ACROSS THE FIELD OF STARS WE... *

* SOAR

* SOAR

All: * WE PLEDGE TO LAND AND SOMETHING-SOMETHING *

* SOMETHING SOMETHING...

* SPACESHIP

* AND WHEN AT LAST OUR MISSION'S FINISHED *

* IN DUTY, HOMEWARD SHALL WE FLY *

* OUR GLORY CANNOT BE DIMINISHED *

* BACK TO THE HEAVENS IN OUR MIGHTY SPACESHIP *