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1
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,377
OK, I GOT IT.
HERE WE GO.
2
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,445
Dick:
SALLY! HARRY!
3
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,547
SALLY, I HAVE
TERRIBLE NEWS!
4
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,683
DICK, GET IN
THE PICTURE.
5
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:23,357
I DIDN'T KNOW OUR CAMERA
HAD A SELF-TIMER.
6
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,659
WHAT'S A SELF-TIMER?
7
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,728
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
NEVER MIND.
8
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,730
I HAVE SOME
TERRIBLE NEWS!
9
00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,031
LIAM WAS GOING TO GO
THROUGH WITH HIS PLAN
10
00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:33,167
TO TURN EARTH INTO
PLANET MONKEY WORLD.
11
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,035
SO, I HAD TO USE
HIS OWN WEAPON
12
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,504
TO TURN HIM
INTO A CHIMP.
13
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,605
OH, MY GOD.
14
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,039
YOU CHIMPIFIED LIAM?
15
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,274
YES!
16
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,375
BUT THAT'S NOT
THE WORST PART.
17
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,543
MARY SAW ME DO IT.
18
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,978
SHE WITNESSED
SOMETHING ALIEN.
19
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,281
THERE IS NO GOOD WAY
TO EXPLAIN WHAT SHE SAW.
20
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,450
OK, OK.
21
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,219
DAMAGE CONTROL,
YOU GUYS.
22
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,321
WE HAVE TO NORMALIZE
THE SITUATION.
23
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,256
BUT HOW?
24
00:00:55,289 --> 00:01:00,361
WHAT IF WE CHIMPIFY
EVERYONE IN...
25
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,331
SAY, THE UKRAINE?
26
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:07,335
WE TELL ALBRIGHT
THAT LIAM IS UKRAINIAN.
27
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,904
AND IT FINALLY
CAUGHT UP WITH HIM.
28
00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,340
IT'S SETTLED.
29
00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,541
TONIGHT WE FLY
TO KIEV.
30
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,442
WAIT, WAIT.
31
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,344
THAT'S LIKE
A 12-HOUR FLIGHT.
32
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,746
OH, YEAH, AND YOU HAVE
TO CONNECT THROUGH WARSAW.
33
00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:19,580
IT'S A BITCH.
34
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,615
MMM. ONCE YOU
GET THERE,
35
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,351
YOU LOST
THE WHOLE DAY.
36
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,686
OOH! I HAVE
A BETTER IDEA.
37
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:28,122
WHY DON'T YOU JUST DENY IT
38
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,924
AND THEN ACT LIKE IT
NEVER HAPPENED?
39
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,628
THAT'S RIGHT. DENY.
40
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,796
GOOD IDEA.
41
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,899
AND WE HAVE
A KICK-ASS
UKRAINIAN PLAN "B."
42
00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:17,471
NINA, PLEASE,
43
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,973
I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU IN PERSON.
44
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:23,477
I THINK THERE MIGHT BE
SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK.
45
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,814
I THINK I MIGHT BE
IN DANGER.
46
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:31,151
NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN
WATCHING OLD MOVIES.
47
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,787
YES, I HAVE BEEN DRINKING.
48
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:34,688
[KNOCKING]
49
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,989
OH, MY GOD,
THERE'S SOMEBODY
AT THE DOOR.
50
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:38,492
PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE.
51
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:52,606
DICK! HI!
52
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,041
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
53
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:55,209
HOW YA DOING?
EVERYTHING OK?
54
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:56,043
YEAH, YEAH.
55
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,211
MIND IF I COME IN?
56
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,747
NO, NO. WHY WOULD I?
57
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,148
WELL, I GUESS
YOU SHOULDN'T.
58
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,517
YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND,
AREN'T YOU?
59
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:04,785
SURE AM.
60
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:08,356
HAVE BEEN FOR
A LONG, LONG TIME.
61
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,191
I'VE BEEN GOOD
TO YOU.
62
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,827
MARY,
WERE YOU TALKING
ON THE TELEPHONE?
63
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,429
NO, NO, NO.
64
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,365
THERE'S NO DIAL TONE.
65
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,932
HELLO?
66
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,234
NINA!
67
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,336
NO, EVERYTHING'S
FINE HERE.
68
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,171
YEAH, LIKE IT
ALWAYS IS.
69
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,673
TELL HER, MARY.
70
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,409
JUST LIKE HE SAYS,
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
71
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,246
DON'T WORRY, I'LL
TAKE CARE OF HER.
72
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,050
SO, I GUESS
YOU WERE TALKING
ON THE PHONE, HUH?
73
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,186
T-T-T-T-TO NINA.
74
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,289
[NERVOUS LAUGH]
75
00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,557
YEAH, I GUESS
I FORGOT.
76
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:47,295
YOU FORGOT, HUH?
HA HA HA.
77
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,264
OH, WELL,
THIS SURE HAS BEEN
78
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,800
A NORMAL DAY
FOR US, HUH?
79
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,769
I'LL SEE YA!
YEAH, BYE!
80
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:56,570
DRIVE SAFELY!
81
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,405
YES, PLEASE!
82
00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:01,375
[BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
83
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,910
OH!
84
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,149
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
85
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,319
YEAH, THERE MUST'VE
BEEN A ROBBERY HERE.
86
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,386
OH, NO.
87
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,687
I'M GONNA GO WITH MURDER.
88
00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:14,988
NO WAY, ROBBERY.
89
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,023
MURDER.
ROBBERY.
90
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:16,990
MURDER!
ROBBERY!
91
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,226
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT.
92
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,194
HOPEFULLY,
WE'RE BOTH RIGHT, OK?
93
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,696
HEY, RICO,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
94
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:23,764
THERE'S BEEN
A ROBBERY.
95
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,699
AW, DAMN!
YEAH!
96
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,401
YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY,
WE GOT THE GUY.
97
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,569
COOL. IS DON HERE?
98
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,338
NO, HE TOOK
A SICK DAY
99
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,706
TO CATCH UP
ON HIS SOAPS.
100
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:39,813
I'LL TAKE OVER
FROM HERE, RICO.
101
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,849
NAME?
102
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:42,583
SAM.
103
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,685
SAM.
104
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,655
WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND
ONE OF THE ROBBERS,
SAM?
105
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,089
I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
106
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,992
DOESN'T HAVE
A BOYFRIEND.
107
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:55,062
POT PIES,
BELLY STUFFERS,
108
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,830
BREAKFAST IN SECONDS,
109
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,733
AH, HERE WE ARE. PIZZA.
110
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,605
DON?
111
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,873
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN THERE?
112
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,675
I'M, UH, INSPECTING.
113
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:08,642
YEAH, UH...
114
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:10,511
THESE FROZENS
ARE UP TO CODE.
115
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,746
GOOD WORK, PEOPLE!
116
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,648
NOW, ONE LAST THING.
117
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,084
TOMORROW NIGHT
YOU WANNA GO OUT
ON A DATE?
118
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:18,952
HOW ABOUT 9:00?
119
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,622
SLOW DOWN THERE,
LET'S TRY ONE.
120
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,891
SEE HOW IT GOES.
121
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,360
SO, IF YOU KNEW
YOU WERE GONNA BE
ON FREEZER DUTY,
122
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,795
WHY DIDN'T YOU
DRESS FOR IT?
123
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,398
COLD DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
124
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,999
THEN WHY ARE YOU
SHAKING?
125
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,934
WHY AM I SHAKING?
126
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:37,237
I'M SHAKING BECAUSE
THERE WAS A ROBBERY.
127
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,740
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS FREEZER DUTY.
128
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:40,741
WHAT?
129
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,577
I WAS HIDING
FROM THE BAD GUY.
130
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,312
I'M A COWARD.
131
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,314
NO.
132
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,883
THAT'S WHY
I JOINED THE FORCE.
133
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,752
ALL THOSE COPS AROUND,
134
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,622
I THOUGHT I'D FEEL SAFE.
135
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,361
THANKS FOR COMING
OUT WITH ME.
136
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,262
PURGE YOUR SOUL
137
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,031
AND LET'S FLAG
DOWN A WAITRESS.
138
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,100
I THINK THERE MIGHT BE
SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK.
139
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,173
I THINK I MIGHT BE
IN DANGER.
140
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,647
I THINK SHE'S READY
FOR THE TALK.
141
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,716
WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN
SUSPICIOUS OF DR. SOLOMON.
142
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,351
SECRETIVE ABOUT HIS PAST,
143
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,919
SPEAKS MANY LANGUAGES,
144
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,822
PRETENDS NOT
TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.
145
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:31,024
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING--
HE HAS ANOTHER IDENTITY?
146
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:31,992
YES.
147
00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,861
I THINK STUPID
COLLEGE PROFESSOR
148
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,630
IS JUST A FRONT.
149
00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,198
I THINK
HE'S A STUPID
150
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,101
INTERNATIONAL
TERRORIST.
151
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,803
FACE FACTS, MARY.
152
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,372
DICK SOLOMON FITS
THE CLASSIC PROFILE
153
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,575
OF A SERIAL KILLER.
154
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,976
SERIAL KILLER?!
155
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:52,012
MOODY,
HIGH FOREHEAD,
156
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,315
LIVES IN
AN OLD LADY'S ATTIC.
157
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,618
ONLY ONE PIECE
OF THE PUZZLE
MISSING:
158
00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:01,088
YOUR HEAD IN A BOX.
159
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,528
HEY, CUTIE.
160
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,796
HEY, SAM.
161
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,363
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
162
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,732
SAM WORKS
AT THE SUPERMARKET.
163
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,834
BUT THIS PLACE TRIES
TO BE A LITTLE FANCY,
164
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:17,838
SO SAMANTHA WORKS HERE.
165
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,708
WELL, WAIT A SECOND.
SO, THERE'S YOU,
166
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,409
AND THEN
THERE'S SAM.
167
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,443
EXACTLY.
168
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:27,180
OH. WELL,
IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'RE BOTH WORKING.
169
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,649
SO, 9:00 IS GOOD?
170
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,718
FOR WHAT?
171
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,785
WE'RE GOING OUT.
172
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:35,956
WOW, SAMANTHA,
YOU A TAKE-CHARGE
KIND OF GIRL, HUH?
173
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,891
WELL, OK, BUT...OH.
174
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,860
9:00'S NO GOOD.
I GOT PLANS.
175
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,461
HOW ABOUT 7:00?
176
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:44,097
UM...OK.
I'LL BE THERE AT 7:00.
177
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,166
OK.
178
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,669
HI, TABLE FOR 2?
179
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,804
RIGHT THIS WAY.
180
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,208
HOT DAMN,
I'M DATING TWINS.
181
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,983
HELLO, MARY.
182
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,587
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AT MY DESK?
183
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,356
I'M LOOKING FOR SOME
INFORMATION ABOUT YOU.
184
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,793
ABOUT ME?
WHAT'S TO KNOW?
185
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,863
DICK, WHY DON'T YOU
EVER TALK ABOUT
YOUR CHILDHOOD?
186
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,665
HOW COME I'VE NEVER
MET YOUR PARENTS?
187
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,933
WELL, I TOLD THEM
ALL ABOUT YOU, MARY,
188
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,903
AND THEY DIDN'T
WANT TO MEET YOU.
189
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,075
WELL, WHAT ARE
THEIR NAMES?
190
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,409
WHERE ARE THEIR PICTURES?
191
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:30,510
SOME MEMENTOS?
192
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,412
UH, WELL...
193
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,214
OK, MARY...
194
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,718
THIS IS MY FATHER'S
LUCKY $1.00 BILL.
195
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:38,919
AND, UH...
196
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,954
AND THIS PENCIL
WAS GIVEN
TO MY MOTHER
197
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,422
BY BABE RUTH.
198
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:46,059
SEE HIS NUMBER?
NUMBER 2.
199
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:46,827
[SNAP]
200
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,662
HEY! I WAS GONNA
PASS THAT ON
201
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,064
TO MY SON
WHEN I HAD ONE.
202
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,433
YOU HAVE A SON.
TOMMY.
203
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,803
OH. RIGHT.
204
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,840
DICK, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN
HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME.
205
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,074
AND I THINK
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING IT
206
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,309
FROM ME FOR 6 YEARS.
207
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,211
WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
208
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,716
I SAW YOU TURN A MAN
INTO A MONKEY.
209
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,652
ACTUALLY,
IT WAS A CHIMPANZEE.
210
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,486
AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.
211
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,856
THAT'S IT!
NO MORE COVERS,
NO MORE LIES.
212
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,591
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
213
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:18,726
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE,
214
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,392
ALL I KNOW IS THAT I...
215
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,329
I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.
216
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,665
GOOD-BYE, DICK.
217
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,668
MARY, WAIT!
218
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,207
OK.
219
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,812
LOOK, I'VE BEEN WANTING
TO TELL YOU THIS
220
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,081
FOR A LONG TIME.
221
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,316
THIS IS HARD.
222
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,952
I WANT TO MAKE
SURE I SAY IT RIGHT.
223
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:45,953
IT'S OK.
224
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,488
MARY, I'M...
225
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,523
WHAT RHYMES
WITH "SCHMALIEN?"
226
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,591
OH, FORGET IT!
227
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:55,528
MARY, I...
DICK SOLOMON...
228
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,497
AM AN ALIEN.
229
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,368
FROM OUTER SPACE.
230
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,483
[SPUTTERING]
231
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,052
WHERE AM I?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
232
00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:22,222
YOU LIED SO MUCH
YOU PASSED OUT.
233
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:28,028
MARY, IT'S TRUE.
234
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,330
I'M THE HIGH
COMMANDER
235
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,232
OF AN EXPLORATORY
MISSION
236
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,668
THAT CAME TO EARTH
6 YEARS AGO
237
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,937
TO STUDY MANKIND.
238
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:44,211
DOES YOUR FAMILY
KNOW ABOUT THIS?
239
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,681
WE'RE NOT A FAMILY,
WE'RE A UNIT.
240
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,416
TOMMY IS
THE INFORMATION OFFICER,
241
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,984
SALLY IS
THE SECURITY OFFICER,
242
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,520
AND HARRY HAS
AN ENORMOUS TRANSMITTER
243
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,488
IN HIS HEAD.
244
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,858
OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
245
00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,293
EXCEPT FOR THE HARRY PART.
246
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,899
OPEN YOUR MIND.
247
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:06,734
THINK ABOUT
EVERYTHING
248
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,769
YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT ME.
249
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:12,840
AND THEN THINK
ABOUT EVERYTHING
YOU DO KNOW.
250
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,744
THINK ABOUT HOW
EVERY SINGLE TIME
SOMETHING HAPPENS,
251
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,946
IT'S LIKE
I'M LEARNING IT
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
252
00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,981
LIKE A CHILD.
253
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,885
MARY, THINK ABOUT
OUR ENTIRE 6-YEAR
RELATIONSHIP,
254
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:28,621
KNOWING THAT I'M
AN ALIEN.
255
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,757
YOU AN ALIEN.
256
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,692
YES.
257
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,661
WHY DIDN'T
I SEE THIS BEFORE?
258
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,598
BECAUSE YOU'RE
ONLY HUMAN.
259
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,106
DON?
260
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,073
WHAT'S WITH
THE POLICE TAPE
261
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,109
SURROUNDING YOUR HOUSE?
262
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,013
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD
FOR COMPANY.
263
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,680
I'M A COWARD.
264
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,182
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME,
265
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,551
DONALD LESLIE ORVILLE.
266
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,120
EVER SINCE
I HAVE KNOWN YOU,
267
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,521
YOU HAVE GONE OUT
THERE EVERY DAY
268
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,688
AND DONE YOUR JOB,
269
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,057
EVEN THOUGH
YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH.
270
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,093
THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD
FOR THAT KIND OF COWARD.
271
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,029
BRAVE.
272
00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:44,097
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
273
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:46,033
WELL, THINK AGAIN.
274
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,134
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
275
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,502
NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN
HONEST WITH YOURSELF,
276
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,905
YOU HAVE THE POWER
277
00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:54,942
TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO BE,
278
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,777
THE MAN YOU DESERVE TO BE,
279
00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:02,249
THE MAN I FELL
IN LOVE WITH.
280
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,919
I FEEL LIKE I CAN
GO BACK OUT
IN THE WORLD
281
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,355
AND START AGAIN.
282
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,058
I CAN ALWAYS
TAPE MY SOAPS.
283
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,695
THANK YOU, SALLY.
284
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,998
MY PLEASURE.
285
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:18,866
NOW...
286
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:19,900
THAT'S MY BOY.
287
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,402
[YELPS]
288
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,271
WHAT? DID I POKE YOU?
289
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,307
NO, IT'S JUST COLD
AGAINST MY SKIN.
290
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,919
SO, CHECK IT OUT,
DUBIE.
291
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:42,622
I GOT 2
OF EVERYTHING.
292
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,657
FOR THE TWINS.
293
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,994
I ONCE DATED TWINS.
294
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,161
IT WAS SO CONFUSING.
295
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,363
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY DRESS ALIKE.
296
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,299
TWINS DRESS ALIKE?
297
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:56,669
WELL, THESE DID. THEY WERE
THE MINNESOTA TWINS.
298
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,138
Sam: HELLO!
299
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,440
OH, IT'S 7:00.
300
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,142
THAT MUST BE
SAMANTHA.
301
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,310
SHE'S THE POSH ONE,
302
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,914
BUT I THINK
SHE MIGHT BE
THE MOST NAUGHTY.
303
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,124
OH!
OH!
304
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,726
SAM. IT'S YOU.
305
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,128
YOU'RE EARLY.
306
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,595
WELL, MAYBE
A LITTLE BIT.
307
00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,831
IS THAT A PROBLEM?
308
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,602
NO! NOT AT ALL.
309
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,371
HERE, LET ME
SHOW YOU AROUND.
310
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,439
THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM,
311
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,573
THIS IS THE KITCHEN,
312
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,275
AND THIS IS THE BATHROOM.
IN YOU GO!
313
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,045
WHY DON'T YOU GO
IN THERE AND FRESHEN UP?
314
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,316
OH, GREAT, NOW I HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
315
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,289
DICK...
316
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,758
WHEN YOU CAME
TO EARTH,
317
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,193
WAS I YOUR FIRST?
318
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,162
NO, I WAS.
319
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,799
BUT YOU WERE
A VERY DISTANT SECOND.
320
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,634
AW.
321
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,438
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
IF I TOLD MY MOTHER
322
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:06,873
I WAS DATING
AN ALIEN,
323
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,142
IT WOULD KILL HER.
324
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,110
DICK,
LET'S CALL HER!
325
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,680
NO, NO, MARY, NO.
326
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:14,982
IT'S A SECRET.
327
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,349
I'M JUST SO EXCITED.
328
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,517
I HAVE SO MANY
QUESTIONS.
329
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,719
WELL, GO AHEAD.
330
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,920
DID YOU BUILD
THE PYRAMIDS?
331
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,590
ONLY THE ONE
IN LAS VEGAS.
332
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:24,791
WHAT ABOUT
EASTER ISLAND?
333
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,459
EASTER ISLAND
WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE
334
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,494
THAT GOT OUT OF HAND.
335
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,230
OH! HA HA
336
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,666
DICK, WHEN WE DIE
337
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,269
DO WE ALL BECOME PART OF
ONE BIG SOUL?
338
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:39,739
OH, THAT'S AS MUCH A
MYSTERY ON MY PLANET
AS IT IS HERE
339
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,376
BUT EVER SINCE I MET
YOU, I FEEL CLOSER
TO THE ANSWER
340
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,350
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY
BOYFRIEND IS AN ALIEN
341
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:57,324
DICK, ON YOUR PLANET
342
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,159
HOW DO YOU DO IT?
343
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,428
WELL, IT'S SIMILAR TO EARTH
344
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,597
TYPICALLY YOU LAUNCH A
PROTO-PLASMA CAPSULE
INTO YOUR
345
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,699
PARTNERS RECEPTOR PORT
AND THEN
346
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:11,904
WAIT FOR AN IMPACT SUMMARY
347
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:15,242
TAKE ME, SPACEMAN!
348
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,683
I'M SCREWED.
SAM'S HERE EARLY,
349
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,652
AND HER SISTER
SAMANTHA'S
DUE ANY MINUTE.
350
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:26,853
SO, YOU GOTTA
GO OUTSIDE
351
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:29,022
AND DISTRACT
SAMANTHA
WHEN SHE GETS HERE.
352
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,057
HOW CAN I DO THAT?
353
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:34,127
WELL, SHINY OBJECTS
USUALLY WORK FOR ME.
354
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,496
HA HA.
355
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,331
UHH!
356
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,667
OH!
357
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,901
SAMANTHA!
358
00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,436
YOU'RE HERE, TOO.
359
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,271
TOO?
360
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,440
TO...EAT.
361
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,076
IN THE KITCHEN.
362
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,743
WHERE PEOPLE ALWAYS EAT.
363
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:51,911
NOT IN THE BATHROOM,
364
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,680
WHERE THEY HIDE.
365
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,715
STAY CALM.
366
00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,186
HARRY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?
367
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,587
NO!
368
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,223
I'M HAVING
A GREAT TIME!
369
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,957
AND SO ARE YOU.
370
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,593
SO, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SIT HERE
371
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,595
AND COUNT TO 100?
372
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:09,696
NO REASON.
373
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,964
HARRY,
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
374
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,866
TO CHECK ON THE HAM.
375
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,468
IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.
376
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,171
IT'S AN OLD
FAMILY RECIPE.
377
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,576
SAM! QUICK!
378
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:24,944
YOU'VE GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE.
379
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:25,978
HARRY?
380
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,147
I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY.
381
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,117
THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU MISSED HER!
382
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,017
COME ON.
383
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,119
I WANT YOU TO GO
IN THE BATHROOM
384
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,087
AND SNEAK SAM OUT,
OK?
385
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:37,290
I THINK THE OTHER
ONE MIGHT BE
HOTTER, ANYWAY.
386
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,426
HARRY.
387
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,327
YES?
388
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,328
WHAT'S GOING ON?
389
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,164
NOTHING.
LET'S GO EAT.
390
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,234
ISN'T THE HAM
IN THE BATHROOM?
391
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:47,767
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
392
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,836
[KNOCKS FROM BATHROOM]
393
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,870
WHO'S THAT?
394
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,738
IT'S THE HAM.
395
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,440
[KNOCKING]
396
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,807
IT MUST BE READY.
397
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,577
HARRY, I KNOW
SOMEBODY'S IN THERE.
398
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:58,878
LOOK...
399
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,248
I GOT A CONFESSION
TO MAKE.
400
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,650
I MADE 2 DATES
TONIGHT.
401
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:04,851
YOU DID?
402
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,486
WHO'D YOU MAKE
THE OTHER DATE WITH?
403
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:10,022
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
IT'S TOO SICK.
404
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,560
HELLO.
405
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,666
I WISH YOU TWO ALL THE LUCK
IN THE WORLD.
406
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,636
GREAT.
407
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,639
NOW I LOST SAM
AND SAMANTHA.
408
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,876
THEY TOOK THE HAM!
409
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,847
I HAVE LISTENED
TO WHAT YOU'VE HAD TO SAY,
410
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,048
I'VE PROCESSED IT,
411
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,384
I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE MY MIND.
412
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,651
I'M GONNA KILL ALBRIGHT.
413
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,787
BUT YOU CAN'T!
414
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,355
DON'T WORRY,
I'LL USE THE SECOND-MOST
415
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,257
PAIN-FREE MANNER
I CAN THINK OF.
416
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,026
SALLY, SHE LOVES
THAT WE'RE ALIENS.
417
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,528
AND SHE LOVES THE SECRET.
418
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,062
SHE THINKS IT'S SEXY.
419
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,399
DICK,
AS SECURITY OFFICER,
420
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,568
I HAVE TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL SECURITY
BREACHES.
421
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:58,505
ANY HUMAN WHO KNOWS
OUR TRUE IDENTITY
422
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,207
MUST DIE.
423
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,140
NOW, THOSE
ARE THE RULES
424
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,243
AND I'M
STICKIN' WITH 'EM.
425
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,178
OK. FINE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
426
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,646
OK, THAT'S
VERY MATURE.
427
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,348
BIG NEWS, DON!
THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU SHOULD KNOW
428
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,216
ABOUT SALLY, TOMMY,
HARRY AND ME.
429
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,251
OK, FINE, FINE!
430
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:13,420
I WON'T KILL HER.
431
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,588
BUT THIS CONVERSATION
IS NOT OVER, MISTER!
432
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,390
THANK YOU.
433
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:20,126
SALLY, I REALLY
TOOK YOUR ADVICE
TO HEART.
434
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,160
SO, I WENT DOWN
TO THE STATION
435
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,495
AND I MADE
SOME CHANGES.
436
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,931
YOU VOLUNTEERED
FOR THE ANTI-GANG UNIT?
437
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,334
I'M OPENING
A MUFFIN SHOP.
438
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,003
WHAT?
439
00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:32,905
DON, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
440
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,607
YOU WERE MEANT
TO BE A COP!
441
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,843
ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS.
442
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,446
WHENEVER I WAS AT WORK,
I WAS SCARED.
443
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:43,216
BUT WHENEVER
I'M AROUND MUFFINS,
444
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,485
NOT SO MUCH.
445
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,090
DICK, GET IN HERE
AND TELL DON
446
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:54,394
WHAT YOU WERE
GONNA TELL HIM!
447
00:19:57,664 --> 00:20:00,433
SO, IT TURNS OUT
THAT SAM AND SAMANTHA
448
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,570
WERE THE SAME PERSON.
449
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:06,606
WHY ARE THE CRAZY ONES
ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME?
450
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,076
I STILL
CAN'T BELIEVE
451
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,678
DON TRADED IN
HIS BADGE
452
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,714
FOR AN APRON
AND A WHISK.
453
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,348
I'M JUST
REALLY WORRIED
454
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,149
HE'S GIVING UP
HIS CALLING.
455
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:17,850
[SIGH]
456
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,151
NOW THAT MARY
KNOWS ABOUT US,
457
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,920
WE SHOULD INVITE HER
UP HERE
458
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,889
TO MUSE WITH US
ABOUT THE EARTH.
459
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:27,994
OH, THIS DAY JUST
KEEPS GETTING
BETTER AND BETTER.
460
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,863
YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING INTERESTING
ABOUT TWINS--
461
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,933
INCOMING MESSAGE
FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
462
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,202
THE BIG GIANT HEAD
SENDS CONGRATULATIONS
463
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,237
ON A JOB WELL DONE--
NICE.
464
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:39,839
AND NOTICE
OF YOUR MISSION'S
465
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,341
IMMINENT CANCELLATION.
466
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,542
CANCELLATION?
467
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:43,876
AN INTER-ALIEN
COMPLAINT
468
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,813
HAS BEEN LODGED
BY LIAM NEESAM.
469
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,515
AS YOU KNOW,
THE USE OF A WEAPON
470
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,484
AGAINST ANOTHER ALIEN
IS A MISSION VIOLATION.
471
00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:52,852
HE WAS GONNA TURN US
INTO CHIMPS!
472
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:53,820
HE DID IT FIRST!
473
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:57,657
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO STARTED IT.
474
00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,759
THE BIG GIANT HEAD
IS TELLING YOU
475
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,728
THE MISSION IS OVER.
476
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,363
NO!
OVER?
477
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:05,298
YES, AND THAT'S FINAL.
478
00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:08,167
YOU MUST LEAVE BY SATURDAY
AT MIDNIGHT,
479
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,803
WHEN YOUR EARTH BODIES
WILL EXPIRE.
480
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:14,607
TRANSMISSION ENDING
IN 3, 2, 1.
481
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,376
AH-CHOO!
482
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,512
WHAT HAPPENED?
483
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,881
WE HAVE
TO GO HOME.
31221
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