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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,377 OK, I GOT IT. HERE WE GO. 2 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,445 Dick: SALLY! HARRY! 3 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,547 SALLY, I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS! 4 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,683 DICK, GET IN THE PICTURE. 5 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:23,357 I DIDN'T KNOW OUR CAMERA HAD A SELF-TIMER. 6 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,659 WHAT'S A SELF-TIMER? 7 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,728 OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, NEVER MIND. 8 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,730 I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS! 9 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,031 LIAM WAS GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH HIS PLAN 10 00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:33,167 TO TURN EARTH INTO PLANET MONKEY WORLD. 11 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,035 SO, I HAD TO USE HIS OWN WEAPON 12 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,504 TO TURN HIM INTO A CHIMP. 13 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,605 OH, MY GOD. 14 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,039 YOU CHIMPIFIED LIAM? 15 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,274 YES! 16 00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,375 BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART. 17 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,543 MARY SAW ME DO IT. 18 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,978 SHE WITNESSED SOMETHING ALIEN. 19 00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,281 THERE IS NO GOOD WAY TO EXPLAIN WHAT SHE SAW. 20 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,450 OK, OK. 21 00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:51,219 DAMAGE CONTROL, YOU GUYS. 22 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,321 WE HAVE TO NORMALIZE THE SITUATION. 23 00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:55,256 BUT HOW? 24 00:00:55,289 --> 00:01:00,361 WHAT IF WE CHIMPIFY EVERYONE IN... 25 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,331 SAY, THE UKRAINE? 26 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:07,335 WE TELL ALBRIGHT THAT LIAM IS UKRAINIAN. 27 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,904 AND IT FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH HIM. 28 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:12,340 IT'S SETTLED. 29 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,541 TONIGHT WE FLY TO KIEV. 30 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,442 WAIT, WAIT. 31 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,344 THAT'S LIKE A 12-HOUR FLIGHT. 32 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,746 OH, YEAH, AND YOU HAVE TO CONNECT THROUGH WARSAW. 33 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:19,580 IT'S A BITCH. 34 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,615 MMM. ONCE YOU GET THERE, 35 00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,351 YOU LOST THE WHOLE DAY. 36 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,686 OOH! I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. 37 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:28,122 WHY DON'T YOU JUST DENY IT 38 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,924 AND THEN ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED? 39 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,628 THAT'S RIGHT. DENY. 40 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,796 GOOD IDEA. 41 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,899 AND WE HAVE A KICK-ASS UKRAINIAN PLAN "B." 42 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:17,471 NINA, PLEASE, 43 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,973 I NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PERSON. 44 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:23,477 I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK. 45 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:26,814 I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER. 46 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:31,151 NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN WATCHING OLD MOVIES. 47 00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:33,787 YES, I HAVE BEEN DRINKING. 48 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:34,688 [KNOCKING] 49 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,989 OH, MY GOD, THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR. 50 00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:38,492 PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE. 51 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:52,606 DICK! HI! 52 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,041 HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU. 53 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:55,209 HOW YA DOING? EVERYTHING OK? 54 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:56,043 YEAH, YEAH. 55 00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,211 MIND IF I COME IN? 56 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,747 NO, NO. WHY WOULD I? 57 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,148 WELL, I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T. 58 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,517 YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU? 59 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:04,785 SURE AM. 60 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:08,356 HAVE BEEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. 61 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:11,191 I'VE BEEN GOOD TO YOU. 62 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,827 MARY, WERE YOU TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE? 63 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,429 NO, NO, NO. 64 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,365 THERE'S NO DIAL TONE. 65 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,932 HELLO? 66 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,234 NINA! 67 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,336 NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE. 68 00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,171 YEAH, LIKE IT ALWAYS IS. 69 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,673 TELL HER, MARY. 70 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,409 JUST LIKE HE SAYS, EVERYTHING'S FINE. 71 00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,246 DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER. 72 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,050 SO, I GUESS YOU WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE, HUH? 73 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,186 T-T-T-T-TO NINA. 74 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,289 [NERVOUS LAUGH] 75 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,557 YEAH, I GUESS I FORGOT. 76 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:47,295 YOU FORGOT, HUH? HA HA HA. 77 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,264 OH, WELL, THIS SURE HAS BEEN 78 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,800 A NORMAL DAY FOR US, HUH? 79 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,769 I'LL SEE YA! YEAH, BYE! 80 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:56,570 DRIVE SAFELY! 81 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,405 YES, PLEASE! 82 00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:01,375 [BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] 83 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,910 OH! 84 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,149 OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS PLACE. 85 00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,319 YEAH, THERE MUST'VE BEEN A ROBBERY HERE. 86 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,386 OH, NO. 87 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,687 I'M GONNA GO WITH MURDER. 88 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:14,988 NO WAY, ROBBERY. 89 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,023 MURDER. ROBBERY. 90 00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:16,990 MURDER! ROBBERY! 91 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,226 YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT. 92 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,194 HOPEFULLY, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT, OK? 93 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,696 HEY, RICO, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 94 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:23,764 THERE'S BEEN A ROBBERY. 95 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,699 AW, DAMN! YEAH! 96 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,401 YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, WE GOT THE GUY. 97 00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,569 COOL. IS DON HERE? 98 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,338 NO, HE TOOK A SICK DAY 99 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,706 TO CATCH UP ON HIS SOAPS. 100 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:39,813 I'LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE, RICO. 101 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,849 NAME? 102 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:42,583 SAM. 103 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,685 SAM. 104 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,655 WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND ONE OF THE ROBBERS, SAM? 105 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,089 I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 106 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,992 DOESN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 107 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:55,062 POT PIES, BELLY STUFFERS, 108 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,830 BREAKFAST IN SECONDS, 109 00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,733 AH, HERE WE ARE. PIZZA. 110 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,605 DON? 111 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,873 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? 112 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,675 I'M, UH, INSPECTING. 113 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:08,642 YEAH, UH... 114 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:10,511 THESE FROZENS ARE UP TO CODE. 115 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,746 GOOD WORK, PEOPLE! 116 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,648 NOW, ONE LAST THING. 117 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,084 TOMORROW NIGHT YOU WANNA GO OUT ON A DATE? 118 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:18,952 HOW ABOUT 9:00? 119 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,622 SLOW DOWN THERE, LET'S TRY ONE. 120 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,891 SEE HOW IT GOES. 121 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:26,360 SO, IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE ON FREEZER DUTY, 122 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,795 WHY DIDN'T YOU DRESS FOR IT? 123 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,398 COLD DOESN'T BOTHER ME. 124 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,999 THEN WHY ARE YOU SHAKING? 125 00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,934 WHY AM I SHAKING? 126 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:37,237 I'M SHAKING BECAUSE THERE WAS A ROBBERY. 127 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,740 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREEZER DUTY. 128 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:40,741 WHAT? 129 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,577 I WAS HIDING FROM THE BAD GUY. 130 00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,312 I'M A COWARD. 131 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,314 NO. 132 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,883 THAT'S WHY I JOINED THE FORCE. 133 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,752 ALL THOSE COPS AROUND, 134 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,622 I THOUGHT I'D FEEL SAFE. 135 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,361 THANKS FOR COMING OUT WITH ME. 136 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,262 PURGE YOUR SOUL 137 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,031 AND LET'S FLAG DOWN A WAITRESS. 138 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,100 I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK. 139 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,173 I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER. 140 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,647 I THINK SHE'S READY FOR THE TALK. 141 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,716 WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF DR. SOLOMON. 142 00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,351 SECRETIVE ABOUT HIS PAST, 143 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,919 SPEAKS MANY LANGUAGES, 144 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,822 PRETENDS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. 145 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:31,024 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING-- HE HAS ANOTHER IDENTITY? 146 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:31,992 YES. 147 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,861 I THINK STUPID COLLEGE PROFESSOR 148 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,630 IS JUST A FRONT. 149 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:38,198 I THINK HE'S A STUPID 150 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,101 INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST. 151 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,803 FACE FACTS, MARY. 152 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:45,372 DICK SOLOMON FITS THE CLASSIC PROFILE 153 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,575 OF A SERIAL KILLER. 154 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:48,976 SERIAL KILLER?! 155 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:52,012 MOODY, HIGH FOREHEAD, 156 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,315 LIVES IN AN OLD LADY'S ATTIC. 157 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:57,618 ONLY ONE PIECE OF THE PUZZLE MISSING: 158 00:06:57,651 --> 00:07:01,088 YOUR HEAD IN A BOX. 159 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,528 HEY, CUTIE. 160 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,796 HEY, SAM. 161 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,363 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 162 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,732 SAM WORKS AT THE SUPERMARKET. 163 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,834 BUT THIS PLACE TRIES TO BE A LITTLE FANCY, 164 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:17,838 SO SAMANTHA WORKS HERE. 165 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,708 WELL, WAIT A SECOND. SO, THERE'S YOU, 166 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,409 AND THEN THERE'S SAM. 167 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,443 EXACTLY. 168 00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:27,180 OH. WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE BOTH WORKING. 169 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,649 SO, 9:00 IS GOOD? 170 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,718 FOR WHAT? 171 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,785 WE'RE GOING OUT. 172 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:35,956 WOW, SAMANTHA, YOU A TAKE-CHARGE KIND OF GIRL, HUH? 173 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,891 WELL, OK, BUT...OH. 174 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,860 9:00'S NO GOOD. I GOT PLANS. 175 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,461 HOW ABOUT 7:00? 176 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:44,097 UM...OK. I'LL BE THERE AT 7:00. 177 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,166 OK. 178 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,669 HI, TABLE FOR 2? 179 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,804 RIGHT THIS WAY. 180 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,208 HOT DAMN, I'M DATING TWINS. 181 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,983 HELLO, MARY. 182 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,587 WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DESK? 183 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,356 I'M LOOKING FOR SOME INFORMATION ABOUT YOU. 184 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:12,793 ABOUT ME? WHAT'S TO KNOW? 185 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,863 DICK, WHY DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD? 186 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,665 HOW COME I'VE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS? 187 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,933 WELL, I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT YOU, MARY, 188 00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,903 AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MEET YOU. 189 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,075 WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? 190 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,409 WHERE ARE THEIR PICTURES? 191 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:30,510 SOME MEMENTOS? 192 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,412 UH, WELL... 193 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,214 OK, MARY... 194 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,718 THIS IS MY FATHER'S LUCKY $1.00 BILL. 195 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:38,919 AND, UH... 196 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,954 AND THIS PENCIL WAS GIVEN TO MY MOTHER 197 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,422 BY BABE RUTH. 198 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:46,059 SEE HIS NUMBER? NUMBER 2. 199 00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:46,827 [SNAP] 200 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,662 HEY! I WAS GONNA PASS THAT ON 201 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,064 TO MY SON WHEN I HAD ONE. 202 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,433 YOU HAVE A SON. TOMMY. 203 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,803 OH. RIGHT. 204 00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,840 DICK, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME. 205 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,074 AND I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING IT 206 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,309 FROM ME FOR 6 YEARS. 207 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,211 WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? 208 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,716 I SAW YOU TURN A MAN INTO A MONKEY. 209 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,652 ACTUALLY, IT WAS A CHIMPANZEE. 210 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,486 AND IT NEVER HAPPENED. 211 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,856 THAT'S IT! NO MORE COVERS, NO MORE LIES. 212 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,591 I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, 213 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:18,726 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, 214 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:19,392 ALL I KNOW IS THAT I... 215 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,329 I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE. 216 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,665 GOOD-BYE, DICK. 217 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:27,668 MARY, WAIT! 218 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,207 OK. 219 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,812 LOOK, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU THIS 220 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,081 FOR A LONG TIME. 221 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,316 THIS IS HARD. 222 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,952 I WANT TO MAKE SURE I SAY IT RIGHT. 223 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:45,953 IT'S OK. 224 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,488 MARY, I'M... 225 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,523 WHAT RHYMES WITH "SCHMALIEN?" 226 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,591 OH, FORGET IT! 227 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:55,528 MARY, I... DICK SOLOMON... 228 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,497 AM AN ALIEN. 229 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,368 FROM OUTER SPACE. 230 00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,483 [SPUTTERING] 231 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,052 WHERE AM I? WHAT'S GOING ON? 232 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:22,222 YOU LIED SO MUCH YOU PASSED OUT. 233 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:28,028 MARY, IT'S TRUE. 234 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,330 I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER 235 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:32,232 OF AN EXPLORATORY MISSION 236 00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,668 THAT CAME TO EARTH 6 YEARS AGO 237 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,937 TO STUDY MANKIND. 238 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:44,211 DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW ABOUT THIS? 239 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,681 WE'RE NOT A FAMILY, WE'RE A UNIT. 240 00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,416 TOMMY IS THE INFORMATION OFFICER, 241 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,984 SALLY IS THE SECURITY OFFICER, 242 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,520 AND HARRY HAS AN ENORMOUS TRANSMITTER 243 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,488 IN HIS HEAD. 244 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,858 OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 245 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:00,293 EXCEPT FOR THE HARRY PART. 246 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,899 OPEN YOUR MIND. 247 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:06,734 THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING 248 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,769 YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME. 249 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:12,840 AND THEN THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DO KNOW. 250 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,744 THINK ABOUT HOW EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS, 251 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,946 IT'S LIKE I'M LEARNING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME, 252 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,981 LIKE A CHILD. 253 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,885 MARY, THINK ABOUT OUR ENTIRE 6-YEAR RELATIONSHIP, 254 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:28,621 KNOWING THAT I'M AN ALIEN. 255 00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,757 YOU AN ALIEN. 256 00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,692 YES. 257 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,661 WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE? 258 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,598 BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. 259 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,106 DON? 260 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,073 WHAT'S WITH THE POLICE TAPE 261 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,109 SURROUNDING YOUR HOUSE? 262 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,013 I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR COMPANY. 263 00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,680 I'M A COWARD. 264 00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,182 ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, 265 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,551 DONALD LESLIE ORVILLE. 266 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,120 EVER SINCE I HAVE KNOWN YOU, 267 00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,521 YOU HAVE GONE OUT THERE EVERY DAY 268 00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:35,688 AND DONE YOUR JOB, 269 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,057 EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH. 270 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,093 THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD FOR THAT KIND OF COWARD. 271 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,029 BRAVE. 272 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:44,097 I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 273 00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:46,033 WELL, THINK AGAIN. 274 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,134 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 275 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,502 NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN HONEST WITH YOURSELF, 276 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,905 YOU HAVE THE POWER 277 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:54,942 TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE, 278 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,777 THE MAN YOU DESERVE TO BE, 279 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:02,249 THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH. 280 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:05,919 I FEEL LIKE I CAN GO BACK OUT IN THE WORLD 281 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,355 AND START AGAIN. 282 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,058 I CAN ALWAYS TAPE MY SOAPS. 283 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,695 THANK YOU, SALLY. 284 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,998 MY PLEASURE. 285 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:18,866 NOW... 286 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:19,900 THAT'S MY BOY. 287 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,402 [YELPS] 288 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,271 WHAT? DID I POKE YOU? 289 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,307 NO, IT'S JUST COLD AGAINST MY SKIN. 290 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,919 SO, CHECK IT OUT, DUBIE. 291 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:42,622 I GOT 2 OF EVERYTHING. 292 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,657 FOR THE TWINS. 293 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,994 I ONCE DATED TWINS. 294 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,161 IT WAS SO CONFUSING. 295 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,363 ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRESS ALIKE. 296 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,299 TWINS DRESS ALIKE? 297 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:56,669 WELL, THESE DID. THEY WERE THE MINNESOTA TWINS. 298 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,138 Sam: HELLO! 299 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,440 OH, IT'S 7:00. 300 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,142 THAT MUST BE SAMANTHA. 301 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:03,310 SHE'S THE POSH ONE, 302 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,914 BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE MOST NAUGHTY. 303 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:17,124 OH! OH! 304 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,726 SAM. IT'S YOU. 305 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,128 YOU'RE EARLY. 306 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:22,595 WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT. 307 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,831 IS THAT A PROBLEM? 308 00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,602 NO! NOT AT ALL. 309 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,371 HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND. 310 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,439 THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM, 311 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,573 THIS IS THE KITCHEN, 312 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,275 AND THIS IS THE BATHROOM. IN YOU GO! 313 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,045 WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THERE AND FRESHEN UP? 314 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,316 OH, GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 315 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,289 DICK... 316 00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,758 WHEN YOU CAME TO EARTH, 317 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,193 WAS I YOUR FIRST? 318 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,162 NO, I WAS. 319 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,799 BUT YOU WERE A VERY DISTANT SECOND. 320 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,634 AW. 321 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,438 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IF I TOLD MY MOTHER 322 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:06,873 I WAS DATING AN ALIEN, 323 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,142 IT WOULD KILL HER. 324 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,110 DICK, LET'S CALL HER! 325 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,680 NO, NO, MARY, NO. 326 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:14,982 IT'S A SECRET. 327 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,349 I'M JUST SO EXCITED. 328 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,517 I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. 329 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,719 WELL, GO AHEAD. 330 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,920 DID YOU BUILD THE PYRAMIDS? 331 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,590 ONLY THE ONE IN LAS VEGAS. 332 00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:24,791 WHAT ABOUT EASTER ISLAND? 333 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:26,459 EASTER ISLAND WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE 334 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,494 THAT GOT OUT OF HAND. 335 00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,230 OH! HA HA 336 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,666 DICK, WHEN WE DIE 337 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,269 DO WE ALL BECOME PART OF ONE BIG SOUL? 338 00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:39,739 OH, THAT'S AS MUCH A MYSTERY ON MY PLANET AS IT IS HERE 339 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:43,376 BUT EVER SINCE I MET YOU, I FEEL CLOSER TO THE ANSWER 340 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:50,350 I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ALIEN 341 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:57,324 DICK, ON YOUR PLANET 342 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,159 HOW DO YOU DO IT? 343 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,428 WELL, IT'S SIMILAR TO EARTH 344 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,597 TYPICALLY YOU LAUNCH A PROTO-PLASMA CAPSULE INTO YOUR 345 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,699 PARTNERS RECEPTOR PORT AND THEN 346 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:11,904 WAIT FOR AN IMPACT SUMMARY 347 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:15,242 TAKE ME, SPACEMAN! 348 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,683 I'M SCREWED. SAM'S HERE EARLY, 349 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,652 AND HER SISTER SAMANTHA'S DUE ANY MINUTE. 350 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:26,853 SO, YOU GOTTA GO OUTSIDE 351 00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:29,022 AND DISTRACT SAMANTHA WHEN SHE GETS HERE. 352 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,057 HOW CAN I DO THAT? 353 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:34,127 WELL, SHINY OBJECTS USUALLY WORK FOR ME. 354 00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,496 HA HA. 355 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,331 UHH! 356 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,667 OH! 357 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,901 SAMANTHA! 358 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,436 YOU'RE HERE, TOO. 359 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,271 TOO? 360 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,440 TO...EAT. 361 00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,076 IN THE KITCHEN. 362 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,743 WHERE PEOPLE ALWAYS EAT. 363 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:51,911 NOT IN THE BATHROOM, 364 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,680 WHERE THEY HIDE. 365 00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,715 STAY CALM. 366 00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,186 HARRY, IS SOMETHING WRONG? 367 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,587 NO! 368 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:03,223 I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME! 369 00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:04,957 AND SO ARE YOU. 370 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,593 SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT HERE 371 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,595 AND COUNT TO 100? 372 00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:09,696 NO REASON. 373 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,964 HARRY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 374 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,866 TO CHECK ON THE HAM. 375 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,468 IT'S IN THE BATHROOM. 376 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,171 IT'S AN OLD FAMILY RECIPE. 377 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,576 SAM! QUICK! 378 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:24,944 YOU'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. 379 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:25,978 HARRY? 380 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,147 I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY. 381 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,117 THAT'S BECAUSE YOU MISSED HER! 382 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,017 COME ON. 383 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,119 I WANT YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM 384 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,087 AND SNEAK SAM OUT, OK? 385 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:37,290 I THINK THE OTHER ONE MIGHT BE HOTTER, ANYWAY. 386 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,426 HARRY. 387 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,327 YES? 388 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,328 WHAT'S GOING ON? 389 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,164 NOTHING. LET'S GO EAT. 390 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,234 ISN'T THE HAM IN THE BATHROOM? 391 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:47,767 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 392 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,836 [KNOCKS FROM BATHROOM] 393 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,870 WHO'S THAT? 394 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,738 IT'S THE HAM. 395 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,440 [KNOCKING] 396 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:54,807 IT MUST BE READY. 397 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,577 HARRY, I KNOW SOMEBODY'S IN THERE. 398 00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:58,878 LOOK... 399 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,248 I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE. 400 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:03,650 I MADE 2 DATES TONIGHT. 401 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:04,851 YOU DID? 402 00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:06,486 WHO'D YOU MAKE THE OTHER DATE WITH? 403 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:10,022 I CAN'T TELL YOU. IT'S TOO SICK. 404 00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,560 HELLO. 405 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,666 I WISH YOU TWO ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD. 406 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,636 GREAT. 407 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,639 NOW I LOST SAM AND SAMANTHA. 408 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,876 THEY TOOK THE HAM! 409 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,847 I HAVE LISTENED TO WHAT YOU'VE HAD TO SAY, 410 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,048 I'VE PROCESSED IT, 411 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,384 I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND. 412 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:38,651 I'M GONNA KILL ALBRIGHT. 413 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,787 BUT YOU CAN'T! 414 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,355 DON'T WORRY, I'LL USE THE SECOND-MOST 415 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,257 PAIN-FREE MANNER I CAN THINK OF. 416 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,026 SALLY, SHE LOVES THAT WE'RE ALIENS. 417 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,528 AND SHE LOVES THE SECRET. 418 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,062 SHE THINKS IT'S SEXY. 419 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,399 DICK, AS SECURITY OFFICER, 420 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,568 I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SECURITY BREACHES. 421 00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:58,505 ANY HUMAN WHO KNOWS OUR TRUE IDENTITY 422 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,207 MUST DIE. 423 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,140 NOW, THOSE ARE THE RULES 424 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,243 AND I'M STICKIN' WITH 'EM. 425 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:05,178 OK. FINE. YOU'RE RIGHT. 426 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,646 OK, THAT'S VERY MATURE. 427 00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,348 BIG NEWS, DON! THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW 428 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:09,216 ABOUT SALLY, TOMMY, HARRY AND ME. 429 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,251 OK, FINE, FINE! 430 00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:13,420 I WON'T KILL HER. 431 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,588 BUT THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT OVER, MISTER! 432 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,390 THANK YOU. 433 00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:20,126 SALLY, I REALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE TO HEART. 434 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,160 SO, I WENT DOWN TO THE STATION 435 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,495 AND I MADE SOME CHANGES. 436 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,931 YOU VOLUNTEERED FOR THE ANTI-GANG UNIT? 437 00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,334 I'M OPENING A MUFFIN SHOP. 438 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,003 WHAT? 439 00:19:31,037 --> 00:19:32,905 DON, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 440 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,607 YOU WERE MEANT TO BE A COP! 441 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,843 ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS. 442 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,446 WHENEVER I WAS AT WORK, I WAS SCARED. 443 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:43,216 BUT WHENEVER I'M AROUND MUFFINS, 444 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,485 NOT SO MUCH. 445 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,090 DICK, GET IN HERE AND TELL DON 446 00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:54,394 WHAT YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM! 447 00:19:57,664 --> 00:20:00,433 SO, IT TURNS OUT THAT SAM AND SAMANTHA 448 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,570 WERE THE SAME PERSON. 449 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:06,606 WHY ARE THE CRAZY ONES ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME? 450 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,076 I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE 451 00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:11,678 DON TRADED IN HIS BADGE 452 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,714 FOR AN APRON AND A WHISK. 453 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,348 I'M JUST REALLY WORRIED 454 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:17,149 HE'S GIVING UP HIS CALLING. 455 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:17,850 [SIGH] 456 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,151 NOW THAT MARY KNOWS ABOUT US, 457 00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,920 WE SHOULD INVITE HER UP HERE 458 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,889 TO MUSE WITH US ABOUT THE EARTH. 459 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:27,994 OH, THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. 460 00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,863 YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT TWINS-- 461 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,933 INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD. 462 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,202 THE BIG GIANT HEAD SENDS CONGRATULATIONS 463 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,237 ON A JOB WELL DONE-- NICE. 464 00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:39,839 AND NOTICE OF YOUR MISSION'S 465 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,341 IMMINENT CANCELLATION. 466 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,542 CANCELLATION? 467 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:43,876 AN INTER-ALIEN COMPLAINT 468 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,813 HAS BEEN LODGED BY LIAM NEESAM. 469 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,515 AS YOU KNOW, THE USE OF A WEAPON 470 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,484 AGAINST ANOTHER ALIEN IS A MISSION VIOLATION. 471 00:20:51,518 --> 00:20:52,852 HE WAS GONNA TURN US INTO CHIMPS! 472 00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:53,820 HE DID IT FIRST! 473 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:57,657 IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO STARTED IT. 474 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,759 THE BIG GIANT HEAD IS TELLING YOU 475 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:01,728 THE MISSION IS OVER. 476 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,363 NO! OVER? 477 00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:05,298 YES, AND THAT'S FINAL. 478 00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:08,167 YOU MUST LEAVE BY SATURDAY AT MIDNIGHT, 479 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,803 WHEN YOUR EARTH BODIES WILL EXPIRE. 480 00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:14,607 TRANSMISSION ENDING IN 3, 2, 1. 481 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,376 AH-CHOO! 482 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:19,512 WHAT HAPPENED? 483 00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,881 WE HAVE TO GO HOME. 31221

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