Original subtitles

OK, I GOT IT. HERE WE GO.

Dick: SALLY! HARRY!

SALLY, I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS!

DICK, GET IN THE PICTURE.

I DIDN'T KNOW OUR CAMERA HAD A SELF-TIMER.

WHAT'S A SELF-TIMER?

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, NEVER MIND.

I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS!

LIAM WAS GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH HIS PLAN

TO TURN EARTH INTO PLANET MONKEY WORLD.

SO, I HAD TO USE HIS OWN WEAPON

TO TURN HIM INTO A CHIMP.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU CHIMPIFIED LIAM?

YES!

BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART.

MARY SAW ME DO IT.

SHE WITNESSED SOMETHING ALIEN.

THERE IS NO GOOD WAY TO EXPLAIN WHAT SHE SAW.

OK, OK.

DAMAGE CONTROL, YOU GUYS.

WE HAVE TO NORMALIZE THE SITUATION.

BUT HOW?

WHAT IF WE CHIMPIFY EVERYONE IN...

SAY, THE UKRAINE?

WE TELL ALBRIGHT THAT LIAM IS UKRAINIAN.

AND IT FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH HIM.

IT'S SETTLED.

TONIGHT WE FLY TO KIEV.

WAIT, WAIT.

THAT'S LIKE A 12-HOUR FLIGHT.

OH, YEAH, AND YOU HAVE TO CONNECT THROUGH WARSAW.

IT'S A BITCH.

MMM. ONCE YOU GET THERE,

YOU LOST THE WHOLE DAY.

OOH! I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DENY IT

AND THEN ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED?

THAT'S RIGHT. DENY.

GOOD IDEA.

AND WE HAVE A KICK-ASS UKRAINIAN PLAN "B."

NINA, PLEASE,

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PERSON.

I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK.

I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN WATCHING OLD MOVIES.

YES, I HAVE BEEN DRINKING.

[KNOCKING]

OH, MY GOD, THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.

PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE.

DICK! HI!

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW YA DOING? EVERYTHING OK?

YEAH, YEAH.

MIND IF I COME IN?

NO, NO. WHY WOULD I?

WELL, I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T.

YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?

SURE AM.

HAVE BEEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

I'VE BEEN GOOD TO YOU.

MARY, WERE YOU TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE?

NO, NO, NO.

THERE'S NO DIAL TONE.

HELLO?

NINA!

NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE.

YEAH, LIKE IT ALWAYS IS.

TELL HER, MARY.

JUST LIKE HE SAYS, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER.

SO, I GUESS YOU WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE, HUH?

T-T-T-T-TO NINA.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

YEAH, I GUESS I FORGOT.

YOU FORGOT, HUH? HA HA HA.

OH, WELL, THIS SURE HAS BEEN

A NORMAL DAY FOR US, HUH?

I'LL SEE YA! YEAH, BYE!

DRIVE SAFELY!

YES, PLEASE!

[BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

OH!

OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

YEAH, THERE MUST'VE BEEN A ROBBERY HERE.

OH, NO.

I'M GONNA GO WITH MURDER.

NO WAY, ROBBERY.

MURDER. ROBBERY.

MURDER! ROBBERY!

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT.

HOPEFULLY, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT, OK?

HEY, RICO, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

THERE'S BEEN A ROBBERY.

AW, DAMN! YEAH!

YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, WE GOT THE GUY.

COOL. IS DON HERE?

NO, HE TOOK A SICK DAY

TO CATCH UP ON HIS SOAPS.

I'LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE, RICO.

NAME?

SAM.

SAM.

WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND ONE OF THE ROBBERS, SAM?

I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

DOESN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

POT PIES, BELLY STUFFERS,

BREAKFAST IN SECONDS,

AH, HERE WE ARE. PIZZA.

DON?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

I'M, UH, INSPECTING.

YEAH, UH...

THESE FROZENS ARE UP TO CODE.

GOOD WORK, PEOPLE!

NOW, ONE LAST THING.

TOMORROW NIGHT YOU WANNA GO OUT ON A DATE?

HOW ABOUT 9:00?

SLOW DOWN THERE, LET'S TRY ONE.

SEE HOW IT GOES.

SO, IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE ON FREEZER DUTY,

WHY DIDN'T YOU DRESS FOR IT?

COLD DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

THEN WHY ARE YOU SHAKING?

WHY AM I SHAKING?

I'M SHAKING BECAUSE THERE WAS A ROBBERY.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREEZER DUTY.

WHAT?

I WAS HIDING FROM THE BAD GUY.

I'M A COWARD.

NO.

THAT'S WHY I JOINED THE FORCE.

ALL THOSE COPS AROUND,

I THOUGHT I'D FEEL SAFE.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT WITH ME.

PURGE YOUR SOUL

AND LET'S FLAG DOWN A WAITRESS.

I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK.

I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

I THINK SHE'S READY FOR THE TALK.

WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF DR. SOLOMON.

SECRETIVE ABOUT HIS PAST,

SPEAKS MANY LANGUAGES,

PRETENDS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING-- HE HAS ANOTHER IDENTITY?

YES.

I THINK STUPID COLLEGE PROFESSOR

IS JUST A FRONT.

I THINK HE'S A STUPID

INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST.

FACE FACTS, MARY.

DICK SOLOMON FITS THE CLASSIC PROFILE

OF A SERIAL KILLER.

SERIAL KILLER?!

MOODY, HIGH FOREHEAD,

LIVES IN AN OLD LADY'S ATTIC.

ONLY ONE PIECE OF THE PUZZLE MISSING:

YOUR HEAD IN A BOX.

HEY, CUTIE.

HEY, SAM.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SAM WORKS AT THE SUPERMARKET.

BUT THIS PLACE TRIES TO BE A LITTLE FANCY,

SO SAMANTHA WORKS HERE.

WELL, WAIT A SECOND. SO, THERE'S YOU,

AND THEN THERE'S SAM.

EXACTLY.

OH. WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE BOTH WORKING.

SO, 9:00 IS GOOD?

FOR WHAT?

WE'RE GOING OUT.

WOW, SAMANTHA, YOU A TAKE-CHARGE KIND OF GIRL, HUH?

WELL, OK, BUT...OH.

9:00'S NO GOOD. I GOT PLANS.

HOW ABOUT 7:00?

UM...OK. I'LL BE THERE AT 7:00.

OK.

HI, TABLE FOR 2?

RIGHT THIS WAY.

HOT DAMN, I'M DATING TWINS.

HELLO, MARY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DESK?

I'M LOOKING FOR SOME INFORMATION ABOUT YOU.

ABOUT ME? WHAT'S TO KNOW?

DICK, WHY DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?

HOW COME I'VE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS?

WELL, I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT YOU, MARY,

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MEET YOU.

WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

WHERE ARE THEIR PICTURES?

SOME MEMENTOS?

UH, WELL...

OK, MARY...

THIS IS MY FATHER'S LUCKY $1.00 BILL.

AND, UH...

AND THIS PENCIL WAS GIVEN TO MY MOTHER

BY BABE RUTH.

SEE HIS NUMBER? NUMBER 2.

[SNAP]

HEY! I WAS GONNA PASS THAT ON

TO MY SON WHEN I HAD ONE.

YOU HAVE A SON. TOMMY.

OH. RIGHT.

DICK, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME.

AND I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING IT

FROM ME FOR 6 YEARS.

WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?

I SAW YOU TURN A MAN INTO A MONKEY.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS A CHIMPANZEE.

AND IT NEVER HAPPENED.

THAT'S IT! NO MORE COVERS, NO MORE LIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE,

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I...

I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.

GOOD-BYE, DICK.

MARY, WAIT!

OK.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU THIS

FOR A LONG TIME.

THIS IS HARD.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE I SAY IT RIGHT.

IT'S OK.

MARY, I'M...

WHAT RHYMES WITH "SCHMALIEN?"

OH, FORGET IT!

MARY, I... DICK SOLOMON...

AM AN ALIEN.

FROM OUTER SPACE.

[SPUTTERING]

WHERE AM I? WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU LIED SO MUCH YOU PASSED OUT.

MARY, IT'S TRUE.

I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER

OF AN EXPLORATORY MISSION

THAT CAME TO EARTH 6 YEARS AGO

TO STUDY MANKIND.

DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW ABOUT THIS?

WE'RE NOT A FAMILY, WE'RE A UNIT.

TOMMY IS THE INFORMATION OFFICER,

SALLY IS THE SECURITY OFFICER,

AND HARRY HAS AN ENORMOUS TRANSMITTER

IN HIS HEAD.

OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

EXCEPT FOR THE HARRY PART.

OPEN YOUR MIND.

THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

AND THEN THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DO KNOW.

THINK ABOUT HOW EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS,

IT'S LIKE I'M LEARNING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME,

LIKE A CHILD.

MARY, THINK ABOUT OUR ENTIRE 6-YEAR RELATIONSHIP,

KNOWING THAT I'M AN ALIEN.

YOU AN ALIEN.

YES.

WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN.

DON?

WHAT'S WITH THE POLICE TAPE

SURROUNDING YOUR HOUSE?

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR COMPANY.

I'M A COWARD.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME,

DONALD LESLIE ORVILLE.

EVER SINCE I HAVE KNOWN YOU,

YOU HAVE GONE OUT THERE EVERY DAY

AND DONE YOUR JOB,

EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD FOR THAT KIND OF COWARD.

BRAVE.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

WELL, THINK AGAIN.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN HONEST WITH YOURSELF,

YOU HAVE THE POWER

TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE,

THE MAN YOU DESERVE TO BE,

THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

I FEEL LIKE I CAN GO BACK OUT IN THE WORLD

AND START AGAIN.

I CAN ALWAYS TAPE MY SOAPS.

THANK YOU, SALLY.

MY PLEASURE.

NOW...

THAT'S MY BOY.

[YELPS]

WHAT? DID I POKE YOU?

NO, IT'S JUST COLD AGAINST MY SKIN.

SO, CHECK IT OUT, DUBIE.

I GOT 2 OF EVERYTHING.

FOR THE TWINS.

I ONCE DATED TWINS.

IT WAS SO CONFUSING.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRESS ALIKE.

TWINS DRESS ALIKE?

WELL, THESE DID. THEY WERE THE MINNESOTA TWINS.

Sam: HELLO!

OH, IT'S 7:00.

THAT MUST BE SAMANTHA.

SHE'S THE POSH ONE,

BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE MOST NAUGHTY.

OH! OH!

SAM. IT'S YOU.

YOU'RE EARLY.

WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

IS THAT A PROBLEM?

NO! NOT AT ALL.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM,

THIS IS THE KITCHEN,

AND THIS IS THE BATHROOM. IN YOU GO!

WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THERE AND FRESHEN UP?

OH, GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

DICK...

WHEN YOU CAME TO EARTH,

WAS I YOUR FIRST?

NO, I WAS.

BUT YOU WERE A VERY DISTANT SECOND.

AW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IF I TOLD MY MOTHER

I WAS DATING AN ALIEN,

IT WOULD KILL HER.

DICK, LET'S CALL HER!

NO, NO, MARY, NO.

IT'S A SECRET.

I'M JUST SO EXCITED.

I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

WELL, GO AHEAD.

DID YOU BUILD THE PYRAMIDS?

ONLY THE ONE IN LAS VEGAS.

WHAT ABOUT EASTER ISLAND?

EASTER ISLAND WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE

THAT GOT OUT OF HAND.

OH! HA HA

DICK, WHEN WE DIE

DO WE ALL BECOME PART OF ONE BIG SOUL?

OH, THAT'S AS MUCH A MYSTERY ON MY PLANET AS IT IS HERE

BUT EVER SINCE I MET YOU, I FEEL CLOSER TO THE ANSWER

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ALIEN

DICK, ON YOUR PLANET

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

WELL, IT'S SIMILAR TO EARTH

TYPICALLY YOU LAUNCH A PROTO-PLASMA CAPSULE INTO YOUR

PARTNERS RECEPTOR PORT AND THEN

WAIT FOR AN IMPACT SUMMARY

TAKE ME, SPACEMAN!

I'M SCREWED. SAM'S HERE EARLY,

AND HER SISTER SAMANTHA'S DUE ANY MINUTE.

SO, YOU GOTTA GO OUTSIDE

AND DISTRACT SAMANTHA WHEN SHE GETS HERE.

HOW CAN I DO THAT?

WELL, SHINY OBJECTS USUALLY WORK FOR ME.

HA HA.

UHH!

OH!

SAMANTHA!

YOU'RE HERE, TOO.

TOO?

TO...EAT.

IN THE KITCHEN.

WHERE PEOPLE ALWAYS EAT.

NOT IN THE BATHROOM,

WHERE THEY HIDE.

STAY CALM.

HARRY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?

NO!

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME!

AND SO ARE YOU.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT HERE

AND COUNT TO 100?

NO REASON.

HARRY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO CHECK ON THE HAM.

IT'S IN THE BATHROOM.

IT'S AN OLD FAMILY RECIPE.

SAM! QUICK!

YOU'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

HARRY?

I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU MISSED HER!

COME ON.

I WANT YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM

AND SNEAK SAM OUT, OK?

I THINK THE OTHER ONE MIGHT BE HOTTER, ANYWAY.

HARRY.

YES?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOTHING. LET'S GO EAT.

ISN'T THE HAM IN THE BATHROOM?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

[KNOCKS FROM BATHROOM]

WHO'S THAT?

IT'S THE HAM.

[KNOCKING]

IT MUST BE READY.

HARRY, I KNOW SOMEBODY'S IN THERE.

LOOK...

I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I MADE 2 DATES TONIGHT.

YOU DID?

WHO'D YOU MAKE THE OTHER DATE WITH?

I CAN'T TELL YOU. IT'S TOO SICK.

HELLO.

I WISH YOU TWO ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD.

GREAT.

NOW I LOST SAM AND SAMANTHA.

THEY TOOK THE HAM!

I HAVE LISTENED TO WHAT YOU'VE HAD TO SAY,

I'VE PROCESSED IT,

I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.

I'M GONNA KILL ALBRIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN'T!

DON'T WORRY, I'LL USE THE SECOND-MOST

PAIN-FREE MANNER I CAN THINK OF.

SALLY, SHE LOVES THAT WE'RE ALIENS.

AND SHE LOVES THE SECRET.

SHE THINKS IT'S SEXY.

DICK, AS SECURITY OFFICER,

I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SECURITY BREACHES.

ANY HUMAN WHO KNOWS OUR TRUE IDENTITY

MUST DIE.

NOW, THOSE ARE THE RULES

AND I'M STICKIN' WITH 'EM.

OK. FINE. YOU'RE RIGHT.

OK, THAT'S VERY MATURE.

BIG NEWS, DON! THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW

ABOUT SALLY, TOMMY, HARRY AND ME.

OK, FINE, FINE!

I WON'T KILL HER.

BUT THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT OVER, MISTER!

THANK YOU.

SALLY, I REALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE TO HEART.

SO, I WENT DOWN TO THE STATION

AND I MADE SOME CHANGES.

YOU VOLUNTEERED FOR THE ANTI-GANG UNIT?

I'M OPENING A MUFFIN SHOP.

WHAT?

DON, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU WERE MEANT TO BE A COP!

ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS.

WHENEVER I WAS AT WORK, I WAS SCARED.

BUT WHENEVER I'M AROUND MUFFINS,

NOT SO MUCH.

DICK, GET IN HERE AND TELL DON

WHAT YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM!

SO, IT TURNS OUT THAT SAM AND SAMANTHA

WERE THE SAME PERSON.

WHY ARE THE CRAZY ONES ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME?

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE

DON TRADED IN HIS BADGE

FOR AN APRON AND A WHISK.

I'M JUST REALLY WORRIED

HE'S GIVING UP HIS CALLING.

[SIGH]

NOW THAT MARY KNOWS ABOUT US,

WE SHOULD INVITE HER UP HERE

TO MUSE WITH US ABOUT THE EARTH.

OH, THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.

YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT TWINS--

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

THE BIG GIANT HEAD SENDS CONGRATULATIONS

ON A JOB WELL DONE-- NICE.

AND NOTICE OF YOUR MISSION'S

IMMINENT CANCELLATION.

CANCELLATION?

AN INTER-ALIEN COMPLAINT

HAS BEEN LODGED BY LIAM NEESAM.

AS YOU KNOW, THE USE OF A WEAPON

AGAINST ANOTHER ALIEN IS A MISSION VIOLATION.

HE WAS GONNA TURN US INTO CHIMPS!

HE DID IT FIRST!

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO STARTED IT.

THE BIG GIANT HEAD IS TELLING YOU

THE MISSION IS OVER.

NO! OVER?

YES, AND THAT'S FINAL.

YOU MUST LEAVE BY SATURDAY AT MIDNIGHT,

WHEN YOUR EARTH BODIES WILL EXPIRE.

TRANSMISSION ENDING IN 3, 2, 1.

AH-CHOO!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE HAVE TO GO HOME.