Original subtitles

WELCOME BACK TO THE ALIEN AWARDS SHOW.

AND NOW THE AWARD FOR BEST ALIEN UNIFORM

WORN IN A NON-VIOLENT MISSION GOES TO--

SALLY, COME ON! THEY'RE DOING UNIFORMS!

THE PLECTO ALIENS!

OHH!

THE PLECTOS ARE GETTING EVERYTHING.

ACCEPTING ON BEHALF OF THE PLECTOS

IS THEIR HIGH COMMANDER...

WHERE'S THAT REMOTE?

LIEUTENANT COLONEL ZORGON--

[DICK MUTES HARRY]

DID I MISS ANYTHING GOOD?

NO, ONLY THE TRIBUTE TO ALL THE ALIENS WHO DIED LAST YEAR.

OH. ANYWAY, HOW DO I LOOK?

OH, FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, ALBRIGHT'S CONTROL-TOP PANTYHOSE

REALLY DO THE TRICK.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

SIT, SIT. COME ON.

OK, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S, UH...

IT'S THE TAIL END OF A PRODUCTION NUMBER.

[DICK UN-MUTES HARRY]

* IT'S THE ALIEN AWARDS SHOW *

AND NOW, THE AWARD FOR BEST MISSION IN A SINGLE-SUN SOLAR SYSTEM.

THIS IS US.

THIS EARTH-BASED CREW HAS TIRELESSLY CHRONICLED

HUMAN FEATS AND FOIBLES IN CENTRAL OHIO.

OH, MY GOD!

I'LL DO THE THANK-YOUS,

THEN YOU STEP IN AND THANK ME.

THEN I'LL WRAP IT UP WITH SOME CRAP

ABOUT HOW THIS BELONGS TO EVERYONE.

OK.

AND THE PROBIE AWARD GOES TO...

TEAM X!

TEAM X?

ARE WE TEAM X?

NO, OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE THE COUGARS.

DAMN!

TEAM X IS ON LOCATION AND UNABLE TO ATTEND.

OH, TURN IT OFF.

ACCEPTING ON BEHALF OF TEAM X

IS SASHINE LITTLEFEATHER--

WHOA! AAH!

DID WE WIN?

NO.

OH, MAN. GREAT.

SO MUCH FOR THE MISSION BEING RENEWED NEXT FALL.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN THAT.

THERE ARE OTHER ALIENS IN CENTRAL OHIO.

HARRY, SALLY, FIND THIS TEAM X.

I WANT TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE,

WHAT THEY'RE DOING,

AND...WHO THEIR PUBLICIST IS.

THAT'S A LOT OF WORK. WAY TOO HARD.

Dick: HEY!

I THINK YOU'RE FORGETTING ONE THING.

COUGAR PRIDE.

Both: COUGAR PRIDE.

ALL: [GROWL]

I MUST PUT THESE PANTYHOSE BACK EXACTLY WHERE I FOUND THEM,

OR MARY WILL GET SUSPICIOUS.

MISSING A LEG. COULD BE WORSE.

HERE WE ARE.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH. DEAR MARY.

SHE SAVED ALL THE LOVE LETTERS I SENT HER.

WAIT A MINUTE. I NEVER SENT HER ANY LOVE LETTERS.

"LOVE, SCOOCHIE."

"LOVE, SCOOCHIE."

"MUCH LOVE, SCOOCHIE." IT'S GETTING WORSE.

WHO IS THIS CURSED SCOOCHIE?

AND WHAT IS THIS WONDERFUL, MANLY SCENT?

MAN, THIS ALIEN HUNTING IS HARD WORK.

I KNOW. BY NOW, I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE ONE GUTTED, SKINNED,

AND MOUNTED ON A WALL.

HARRY, WE'RE NOT GOING TO KILL THEM.

WELL, YOU CAN'T MOUNT A LIVE ALIEN ON A WALL, BECAUSE THEY--

HARRY.

LOOK, JUST KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED

FOR SOMEONE WHO LOOKS A LITTLE OFF, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, LET'S GET US SOME OF THAT PRIZE-WINNING FUDGE.

WE ALSO NEED 2 BOXES OF 5-INCH NAILS

FOR THE BARN RAISING TOMORROW.

OK, THEY LOOK STRANGE.

YEAH.

AND THEY CAN LEVITATE BARNS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU STAY HERE.

I'M GONNA GO FEEL IT OUT, ALL RIGHT?

HELLO. EXCUSE ME, UM...

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

THAT YOU GUYS LOOK REALLY WEIRD.

WE'RE AMISH.

THEY'RE AMISH.

YEAH, THEY'RE FROM THE PLANET AHM.

BINGO! ALL IN A DAY'S WORK!

TEAM X!

YEAH! YEAH!

DICK'S GONNA BE SO PROUD.

I KNOW.

WAIT..

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE ARE SOMEHOW MISREADING THIS SITUATION?

NO

SO THEN WE FOLLOWED THE TEAM X ALIENS IN THEIR HORSE AND BUGGIE

THE MOST BORING CAR CHASE IN HISTORY

YUP.

I HAD TO MAKE ALL THE TIRE-SCREECHING NOISES MYSELF.

GOOD WORK TEAM. STAY ON IT

WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING?

MOPING.

OH THAT'S UNUSUAL. OH, BIG SURPRISE.

APPARENTLY, ANOTHER MAN HAS BEEN SENDING

LOVE LETTERS TO MARY.

A MAN NAMED SCOOCHIE.

I'M DEVASTATED.

OH, GOD. DICK, PLEASE, DO NOT FREAK OUT.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO WAY SOME DUMB LETTERS

COULD AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALBRIGHT.

YEAH. JUST LOOK AT YOU.

YOU ARE A HUGE CATCH.

HUGE.

THANK YOU, HARRY. MAYBE I AM OVERREACTING.

I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO THIS OVERRIPE SAP:

"THERE IS A FLOWER INSIDE ME THAT BLOOMS

"IN YOUR FAINTEST SHADOW.

"THERE IS A HEART THAT BEATS TO LIFE

"IN THE ROCKS AS YOU WALK ABOVE.

"THE TREES, THE GRASS, THE CHIRPING CICADAS

CALL OUT JOYOUSLY, COME TO ME. COME TO ME."

AAH.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO MOVED

LISTEN DICK, OH MY GOD

I'VE NEVER EVEN MET THIS GUY BUT I WOULD MARRY HIM IN A NEW YORK MINUTE

I KNOW EVEN I'M SMITTENED.

READ US ANOTHER ONE DICK

YEAH

GATHER AROUND, I'LL READ THEM ALL.

YES?

OH, HEY. WE'RE SALLY AND HARRY.

THE COUGARS.

UH, AND WE JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON TAKING HOME ALL THAT HARDWARE THE OTHER NIGHT.

YES, I'M PLEASED TO FINALLY HAVE A GALVANIZED MILKING MACHINE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS CALLED THE PROBIE,

BUT WHATEVER.

LOOK, YOU'RE WINNERS. WE'RE LOSERS.

YOU GUYS CLEARLY HAVE THE SUPERIOR MISSION.

YEAH, WE'RE HERE TO LEARN YOUR WAY.

WHO IS IT, FATHER?

OUTSIDERS, PRUDENCE.

WELL, HELLO THERE.

THOU.

OTHERS HAVE COME TO US

AND ASKED TO BE SHOWN OUR WAYS,

BUT THEY LACKED THE WILL.

OH, HEY. WE GOT GREAT STAMINA.

FATHER, IT IS HARVEST TIME.

I SUPPOSE IN YEARS PAST WE HAVE TAKEN ON EXTRA HANDS.

EXTRA HANDS?

OK. THAT WE'VE GOT TO SEE.

OH, GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

FAT LOT YOU KNOW.

OR SHOULD I SAY, FAT LOT YOU KNOW, SCOOCHIE?

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ONE DAY, THERE'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING CALLED A COMPETENCY HEARING,

AND I WANT TO BE PREPARED.

WELL...

SO DO I.

DO I HAVE TO STUDY FOR IT?

MORNING, DICK.

MARY, YESTERDAY, I WENT THROUGH YOUR THINGS,

AND I FOUND THE SCOOCHIE LETTERS.

SOMEONE HAS SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

YOU WENT THROUGH MY THINGS?

THAT PART DOESN'T NEED EXPLAINING.

HOW DARE YOU KEEP LOVE LETTERS FROM ANOTHER MAN! THAT PART.

FRANKLY, DICK, I'M RELIEVED.

WHO IS SCOOCHIE?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, YOU DON'T KNOW.

I SWEAR, I'VE NEVER MET HIM.

I STARTED GETTING THESE LETTERS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO.

HE'S PROBABLY AN OLD STUDENT WITH A CRUSH.

NO STUDENT FROM OUR COLLEGE COULD WRITE THAT WELL.

I KNOW.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THROWING THEM OUT,

BUT NOBODY'S EVER SAID SUCH BEAUTIFUL THINGS ABOUT ME.

MARY, IT'S EASY FOR SOME STRANGER TO SAY NICE THINGS.

THEY DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO.

THANKS.

I FELT GUILTY ABOUT HIDING THEM FROM YOU,

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF EXCITING.

WHERE IS YOUR HEAD? YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS SCOOCHIE.

ONLY THAT HE IS AN EXTREMELY SENSITIVE, INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC MAN

WHO MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL.

FEEL SPECIAL. THAT IS SO RIDIC--

NO IDEA WHO HE IS?

NONE.

NO IDEA WHATSOEVER?

NONE WHATSOEVER.

MARY...

I AM SCOOCHIE.

YOU KNOW, ANNABET, I LOVE THESE OUTFITS.

BUT AS A PRACTICAL MATTER,

HOW DO YOU TELL WHO HAS THE BIGGEST BOOBS?

SALLY, WE ARE NOT CONCERNED WITH SUCH THINGS.

OH.

GUESS I KNOW WHAT YOU GOT.

AH. BOY HOWDY, AM I TIRED.

BUT IT'S A GOOD TIRED.

'CAUSE WITH WORK LIKE THIS,

IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING.

BROTHER HARRY, YOU SOUND LIKE

YOU PLOWED THE ENTIRE SOUTH FIELD.

NO, BUT HE FINALLY GOT BOTH BOOTS ON.

YEAH, I TELL YOU I WAS RACING THE SUN.

I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY, HARRY.

WE SET A MIGHTY TABLE.

MMM. I KNOW.

I SAW ONE OF YOUR FORKS OUT THERE IN THE BARN.

Annabet: SUPPER IS READY. LET US GATHER.

ALL RIGHT!

HARRY, SALLY, NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN SOMETHING

OF OUR WAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

UH, WELL...

HONESTLY, UH, YOU GUYS COULD DO

A BETTER JOB BLENDING IN.

RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE SORT OF SCREAMING,

"WE'RE DIFFERENT."

WE BELIEVE IT'S BEST NOT TO FIT IN.

HUH?

WE REMAIN APART FROM SOCIETY

SO WE DON'T LOSE OURSELVES

AND FORGET WHY WE WERE PLACED ON EARTH.

OH, MY GOD, HARRY.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO US.

WE BLENDED IN TOO MUCH.

YEAH, LIKE CREAMY FRAPPUCINOS.

WHAT'S A FRAPPUCINO?

OH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

ANNABET. 2 FRAPPUCINOS.

OH, NO. MAKE THAT 3, BABE.

3 FRAPPUCINOS.

COME ON. WHAT, AM I SPEAKING CHINESE?

LET'S MOVE.

WELL, MARY. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SLIP BACK

INTO THE TUB AND GET DIRTY?

HA HA HA.

I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MANY SHOWERS

SINCE I CAUGHT LICE IN THE PEACE CORPS.

I'M JUST GLAD THEY LEFT SOME OF YOU FOR ME TO NIBBLE.

OH.

OH, DICK, THESE LETTERS HAVE INJECTED

SO MUCH HEAT INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP.

SCOOCHIE'S GOOD.

MMM.

OOH! BY THE WAY,

I GOT SCOOCHIE'S LATEST LETTER.

OH.

ANY FAVORITE PARTS THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

WELL, SOME OF IT'S KIND OF RACY.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

ANYWAY, I'LL GO GET THE SHOWER CAPS.

OH,

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND

PARTICULARLY INTRIGUING?

OH, OF COURSE I DO.

IT WAS THE SUGGESTION OF FINALLY MEETING SCOOCHIE

AT A SPECIAL RENDEZVOUS.

OH, WELL, I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THAT.

A RENDEZVOUS?!

I WOULDN'T TAKE THAT TOO SERIOUSLY, MARY.

UH, HE WAS PROBABLY JOKING. SCOOCHIE LOVES TO LAUGH.

NO, NO. I WAS SURPRISED AND TITILLATED.

SO, I R.S.V.P.ed WITH A SEXY LITTLE NOTE

TO SCOOCHIE'S P.O. BOX, JUST LIKE HE ASKED.

WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!

I MEAN, THAT'S 34 CENTS

THAT WE COULD HAVE SPENT ON GOOD TIMES.

HELLO THERE, BROTHER.

LET'S SEE...

TV GUIDE...HYDROX COOKIES... THAT NEW 'N SYNC CD...

HEY, IT'S ONE OF THEM.

YOU WANNA GO MESS WITH HIM?

YEAH.

THE AMISH AREN'T SUPPOSED TO FIGHT BACK.

Harry: GEORGE FOREMAN GRILLING MACHINE...

HEY, AMISH BOY, YOU WANT SOME ICE CREAM?

OH. THAT WOULD BE NICE.

WHOOPS.

HA HA HA. HA HA AH.

I GET IT. IT'S ONE OF THEM

"OPEN THE HANGAR, HERE COMES THE PLANE" TYPE DEALS.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

YEAH.

OHH.

MAYBE I'M MOVING AROUND TOO MUCH.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, AMISH BOY?

WELL, I'LL STAND REALLY STILL, ALL RIGHT?

I THINK WE ALMOST HAD IT THAT TIME.

OHH.

IT'S FUNNY HOW THE SIMPLEST THINGS CAN BE SO DIFFICULT.

HARRY? ARE YOU COMING?

OH, HELLO.

LOOK AT THE BIG AMISH GIRL.

SHE LOOKS SCARED.

WHY DON'T YOU GO QUILT YOURSELF A HANKY AND CRY.

Both: HA HA HA.

OH.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, YOU WOULDN'T QUILT A HANKY.

YOU'D QUILT A POT HOLDER.

AND SECOND--

OHH! UNH!

WE'VE ONLY BEEN AMISH FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

HEY!

I GOT AN IDEA.

YOU STAND STILL, AND I'LL COME TO THE CONE.

Sally: HARRY!

GOOD MORNING, DICK.

HELLO, THERE. HEH HEH.

WHAT'S THIS?

OOH, A LETTER FROM SCOOCHIE...

ON MY LETTERHEAD.

SCOOCHIE'S THRIFTY.

"DEAR MARY, HOW ARE YOU? I AM FINE.

"I'M CANCELING OUR BAD NIGHT OF ACTIVITY WE HAD PLANNED.

"INSTEAD, YOU AND I WILL BE EATING

"HOT DOGS AND WIENERS IN YOUR BACKYARD.

FROM YOUR FRIEND, SCOOCHIE."

THIS IS NOT ONE OF HIS BEST.

THE POINT IS, THE RENDEZVOUS HAS BEEN RELOCATED.

I GUESS SO.

GOOD. THAT'S THAT THEN.

MARY ALBRIGHT? HMM?

I HAVE A SPECIAL DELIVERY

FROM A MR., UH, SCOOCHIE.

UH-OH.

THANK YOU.

"DEAREST MARY,

"YOUR VOICE IS A PERFUME THAT FILLS MY LUNGS.

THE VERY WIND IS JEALOUS."

NOW THAT'S MORE SCOOCHIE'S STYLE.

"KINDLY IGNORE MY LAST LETTER."

WHAT?

"AND, INSTEAD, MEET ME TONIGHT

AS PLANNED AT THE MEDIEVAL FESTIVAL."

OH, LET ME SEE THAT! WHAT'S--

DAMN!

WHAT?

UH, UH, UH, UH,

I MISSPELLED MEDIEVAL.

[SALLY WHISTLES THIS OLD MAN]

HEY, THERE, SALL. HEY.

YEAH. DOING SOME LAUNDRY?

NO, HARRY, THIS IS A BUTTER CHURN.

HMM.

NO WONDER MY WHITES CAME OUT YELLOW.

[SIGHS] YOU KNOW, I HAVE LEARNED

SO MUCH FROM TEAM X: PATIENCE, DISCIPLINE.

THE ONLY THING I REALLY MISS ARE ZIPPERS.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER DID GET THE HANG OF THOSE.

I KNOW, SWEETIE.

LISTEN, HARRY, I'VE BEEN THINKING

MAYBE WE COULD TRANSFER

TO THIS OUTFIT FOR GOOD.

JOIN TEAM X?

JOIN A WINNER.

OK. AW!

HA HA HA!

BUT WHAT ABOUT DICK?

FORGET DICK. HE'S AN OUTSIDER NOW.

YEAH. MAYBE HE COULD COME BY FROM TIME TO TIME,

AND WE CAN SHUN HIM.

AH! AH!

BROTHER HARRY. SISTER SALLY.

JEDEDIAH, WE HAVE GREAT NEWS.

HARRY AND I HAVE DECIDED TO JOIN YOUR TEAM PERMANENTLY.

IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

BECAUSE WE WANT YOU TO LEAVE OUR COMMUNITY.

LEAVE? BUT WE'RE MAKING SUCH A DIFFERENCE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

YOU'VE ORGANIZED BUGGY RACES FOR GAMBLING PURPOSES.

AND YOU MADE 1-900 CALLS

FROM OUR COMMUNITY PHONE SHED.

AND WORST OF ALL, YOU'VE CORRUPTED OUR DAUGHTER PRUDENCE.

THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE LIE.

OH, WE FOUND THIS QUILT IN HER ROOM.

OK, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF CORRUPTION, BUT--

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, WE'RE SORRY. OK?

WE TRIED TO LIVE UP TO YOUR PURITY,

BUT I GUESS WE SHOULD GO.

AHEM, BY THE WAY, ANNABET, YOU HIT THE TRIFECTA.

OH!

PUMPKIN, I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME,

BUT SOME NIGHT, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING LONELY,

JUST LOOK UP THERE.

AT A STAR?

NO, AT A SATELLITE,

BECAUSE WHEREVER I AM,

I'M GONNA BE WATCHING SATELLITE TV.

GET OUT! OH, OK.

OOH!

HELLO.

ARE YOU WHO I THINK YOU ARE?

SCOOCHIE? UH, YEAH.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO MEET ME BY THE MOAT.

I DID? THAT'S A STUPID IDEA.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, MARY.

NO! SCOOCHIE?! WE CAN'T LEAVE.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL STAY FOR THE WET BODICE CONTEST, BUT THAT'S IT.

NO! THE BLACK KNIGHT IS ABOUT TO SELECT AN OPPONENT FOR A DUEL.

WHO AMONG YOU IS BRAVE ENOUGH

TO FACE THE BLACK KNIGHT?

YOU, SIR!

UH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

OHH.

VALIANT SIR SCOOCHIE,

DEFEND YOUR LADY.

UH, NO. MARY, UH,

IF--IF YOU FIGHT WITH THE PERFORMERS, YOU HAVE TO TIP THEM.

THAT'S OK.

NOW JUST-- KNOCK THAT OFF!

OR I'LL TAKE THAT CARDBOARD SWORD OF YOURS AND--

UHH, THAT'S GOOD CARDBOARD.

VALIANT SIR SCOOCHIE,

DEFEND YOUR LADY!

UHH. OH, YES.

UH, YES, OF COURSE.

WELL, LET'S GO TO IT THEN.

I WILL DISPENSE WITH YOU PRESENTLY.

UNH. [CHEERS]

YAH, YAH, YAH, YAH!

I'M ONLY FIGHTING WITH YOU TO IMPRESS MY GIRLFRIEND,

SO IF YOU COULD PRETEND TO FALL AT HER FEET,

THAT WOULD BE HUGE.

UNH, UNH!

THAT SCENT.

I KNOW THAT SCENT!

HYAH! HYAH!

THE LETTERS!

SCOOCHIE?

I SHOULD WARN YOU THAT I'VE KILLED WITH EVERYTHING

FROM A STEAK KNIFE TO A PENNY DROPPED FROM A SKYSCRAPER.

SO DON'T BE TOO BRAVE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

[CHEERING]

Crowd: OOH!

YOU ARE SO BRAVE!

YES, I KNOW.

OH, WATCH OUT! HE'LL KILL YOU!

GET BACK IN THERE!

NO, SCOOCHIE!

REVEAL YOURSELF! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

DICK, DID YOU JUST CALL HIM SCOOCHIE?

DICK, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

LIAM, H-H-H-HOW ARE YOU?

OH, SPLENDID. I, UH, RECENTLY WON A PROBIE.

SCOOCHIE IS FROM TEAM X?

NOW, LOOK, I'D LOVE TO CHAT,

BUT THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF YOUR BEHEADING.

UH, SIRE?

NO!

THUMB'S UP MEANS THAT I LIVE!

WELL, NOT WHERE I COME FROM.