Original subtitles

[SIGHING DEEPLY]

OH, WILL THIS NEVER END?

WE'VE BEEN WAITING IN LINE FOR A MONTH!

DICK, DO RECALL NINA AND I EVEN INVITING YOU?

WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S A KISSING BOOTH AT THE END.

THAT'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

THERE'S NO KISSING BOOTH AT THE END.

AND I SPECIFICALLY SAID, "DON'T COME.

YOU'LL BE BORED, AND YOU'LL ANNOY US."

OH, GOD! I NEED CAFFEINE OR I'M GOING TO FALL ASLEEP.

UH, NINA, BE A LAMB AND FETCH ME A CAPPUCCINO.

I'M HERE TO GET CLAIRE VOLK TO SIGN MY BOOK AND THAT'S ALL.

WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION WITH CLAIRE VOLK AND HER SIGNATURE?

IT CAN'T BE HEALTHY. IT C BE HEALTHY!

CLAIRE VOLK'S FIRST BOOK

TAUGHT ME TO LOVE MYSELF

DURING SOME REALLY ROUGH TIMES.

SHE'S A FULLY ACTUALIZED PERSON

WITH SO MUCH TO SHARE.

THERE ARE 2 THINGS I'M CERTAIN ABOUT.

SHE IS NOT FULLY ACTUALIZED,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THERE ISN'T A HUMAN BEING ALIVE

THAT COULDN'T BENEFIT FROM THIS BOOK.

OH. HERE, LET ME SEE IT.

"A ROAD MAP TO PERMANENT HAPPINESS."

I'LL GIVE THE INTRO A SKIM

AND GET BACK TO YOU WITH MY THOUGHTS.

UH! BALONEY.

CRAP.

NONSENSE.

MORE CRAP.

INTERESTING.

HMM.

NEXT.

HI. I'M MARY ALBRIGHT

AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME--

MISS VOLK!

IN THE LAST FEW FEET OF THIS LINE

YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SIGN YOUR BOOK?

BOOK, NOTHING! SIGN MY BREAST.

AND SEE IF YOU CAN USE THE NIPPLE TO DOT THE "I".

COME ON. I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.

OHH. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

WELL, WHO WAS THAT?

TOMMY.

HOW'S HE DOING AT COLLEGE?

OH, TERRIBLE. HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A FRATERNITY

AND BEING HAZED BY GREEKS AND IT'S HELL WEEK.

HE DOESN'T KNOW IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT.

HELL WEEK? HELL WEEK?

HE COULD BE IN MORTAL DANGER.

FAMILY MEETING! FAMILY MEETING!

LOOK, DICK. I CAN'T. I GOT TO GET UP TO TOMMY'S SCHOOL.

HE COULD BE DEAD ALREADY.

NOW?

BUT I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY NEW BOOK.

LISTEN TO ME. I WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP TOMMY

OR ANY MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY FROM BEING KILLED

EVEN IF IT MEANS KILLING YOU

OR ANY MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY.

HARRY, ALL THROUGH OUR TUMULTUOUS EXISTENCE

ON THIS PLANET,

WE HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED BY OUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

MMM. THAT'S SO TRUE. I GOT TO RUN.

[SPUTTERING]

ARE YOU HAPPY?

YES.

REALLY HAPPY?

YES.

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAPPY?

NO.

WITH THIS BOOK, WE ARE GOING TO MASTER OUR EMOTIONS.

NO MORE UPS AND DOWNS, ONLY UPS.

FROM NOW ON, THE QUEST FOR PERMA-HAPPINESS

MUST BE OUR FIRST AND OUR ONLY PRIORITY.

CALM, CALM. HAPPY, HAPPY.

OK. I PAID TO GET THAT LEAK IN THE KITCHEN ROOF FIXED.

NOW ONE OF YOU GOT TO GO UP AND PAINT THE CEILING

OR I'M KEEPING YOUR SECURITY DEPOSIT.

OK, HARRY, YOU PAINT THE CEILING, I'LL GET HAPPY FOR BOTH OF US.

TOMMY! TOM--

OH, MY GOD, TOMMY.

THEY'VE BRAINWASHED YOU INTO THINKING THE FLOOR IS YOUR TEETH.

SALLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OK. I CAME TO SAVE YOUR ASS.

NOW, JUMP ON MY BACK AND I'M GOING TO BUST YOU OUT OF THIS DEATHTRAP.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HELL WEEK. YOU TOLD HARRY YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

TOMMY?

TOMMY, ARE YOU IN THERE?

SALLY! I MEANT I WAS AFRAID

I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT INTO THE FRAT.

THE FRAT. RIGHT. OK.

WELL, THAT WAS WORTH A 4-HOUR BUS RIDE.

SALLY, THIS PLACE HAS THE BEST PARTIES,

THE NICEST GIRLS, AND SOME OF THE SKANKIEST GIRLS.

WHICH IS WHY THE FRAT BROTHERS

ARE PUTTING US THROUGH A SERIES OF TESTS...

TO MAKE SURE NONE OF THE WEENY GEEKS GET IN.

OH, I SEE. SO YOU'RE WORRIED 'CAUSE YOU'RE A WEENY GEEK.

NO! I MERELY HAVE SOME CONCERNS

THAT THE FRAT SELECTION PROCESS MIGHT NOT BE SCIENTIFIC.

I JUST WISH I KNEW

WHAT THE PLEDGEMASTER HAS PLANNED.

TOMMY, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU HERE.

AS IT HAPPENS, I'M NOT JUST A MASTER OF ESCAPE,

BUT I AM ALSO A MASTER OF GETTING INTO PLACES

AND...SNEAKILY SECRET FINDING.

INFILTRATION?

THANK YOU. INFILTRATION.

OH, YEAH. YOU'RE NOT A GEEK.

OH, DICK. I CAN'T BELIEVE

HOW INTO THIS BOOK YOU ARE.

IT'S WONDERFUL. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, MARY. NOW, CLAIRE VOLK SAYS THAT I DON'T NEED

ANY AFFIRMATION BUT MY OWN,

SO I'M GOING TO PRETEND THAT I SAID THAT.

NOW. THE BOOK SAYS THAT STEP ONE TO PERMA-HAPPINESS

IS THE FORGIVENESS CEREMONY.

SO, AHEM.

SHOULD I GO FIRST?

NO, NO, NO. I'VE BEEN SAVING UP.

I FORGIVE NINA FOR EATING MY LUNCH TODAY.

DICK, NINA DID THAT BECAUSE YOU ATE HER LUNCH.

MARY, IS THIS A FORGIVENESS CEREMONY

OR A WHO ATE NINA'S LUNCH INQUISITION?

YOUR TURN.

I FORGIVE...

MY MOTHER FOR MAKING A MESS OF MY CHILDHOOD.

UH!

BUT YOU'RE STILL MAD. I CAN TELL.

IT'S DICK, ONE. MARY, ZERO.

DICK, THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING.

OK. IT'S--IT'S MY TURN.

I FORGIVE YOU, MARY...

FOR THOSE 5 POUNDS YOU PUT ON LAST CHRISTMAS.

DICK!

NO, NO.

IT'S DONE.

COME ON. YOUR TURN.

I FORGIVE...

THE WORLD...

FOR ITS CAPRICIOUS--

THAT MAKES ME THINK OF ONE.

NO, YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

FORGIVE ME?

YES, BUT--

OK, THEN IT'S MY TURN AGAIN.

I FORGIVE THE WORLD FOR ITS CAPRICIOUS...

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO PUT ON THE END OF THAT, MARY?

OH, DICK, MAYBE WE SHOULD DO THIS THING SEPARATELY.

THE THINGS I'M TRYING TO FORGIVE ARE SNOWBALLING ON ME HERE.

BUT, MARY!

I WAS GOING TO FORGIVE YOU FOR SNORING,

FOR--FOR CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN,

AND FOR A LOUD PHONE VOICE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO MISS ALL THAT?

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

COME ON, MARY.

NO, NO. JUST GO AWAY.

IMPATIENCE, TOO.

NO, GET OUT.

I FORGIVE YOU.

GET OUT!

HEY, HARRY.

HERE'S THE PAINT AND BRUSHES FROM WHEN

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME PAINT MY APARTMENT.

HMM. THANKS FOR HURRYING OVER TO HELP ME, NINA.

HELP NOTHIN'. I CAME TO GET MY HUNDRED BUCKS BACK

FROM WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME PAINT MY APARTMENT.

YEAH. HOW'D THAT GO?

WELL, ACTUALLY, YOU NEVER EVEN SHOWED UP--

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

I GOT A CEILING TO PAINT,

SO EITHER PAY ME THE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU OWE ME OR GET OUT.

NO, YOU OWE ME, SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SO FIRED UP ABOUT?

WELL, IT'S NOT EVERYDAY THAT DICK GIVES ME AN ASSIGNMENT.

AND I WANT TO PUT MY HEART AND SOUL INTO IT.

YOU KNOW? MAKE IT A LABOR OF LOVE.

HARRY, IT'S A CEILING.

PICK A COLOR AND SLAP IT ON.

I CAN'T JUST PICK ANY COLOR!

IT'D HAVE TO SPEAK TO ME.

IT'D HAVE TO REFLECT THE GOLDEN RAYS OF SUNLIGHT OFF MY CHEERIOS IN THE MORNING

OR STIR MY INTEREST AS I STARE UP AT IT WHILE DICK'S TALKING.

HI!

HI THERE. HI.

YOU KNOW, I WAS WALKING ACROSS CAMPUS

ON MY WAY TO A CAMPUS BUILDING,

AND I THOUGHT I'D JUST SWING BY AND ASK YOU WHAT YOUR HAZING RITUALS WERE.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'VE TAKEN A SOLEMN VOW

NEVER TO REVEAL THE SECRETS OF THIS PLEDGE BOOK.

YOU TELL ME, I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU.

LET ME WALK YOU THROUGH IT.

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

HOW CAN PAINT THAT TASTES THIS GOOD

LOOK THIS BAD?

ALL RIGHT, LINE UP! COME ON. LINE UP!

OK, LADIES, WE'VE GOT A NEW ASSISTANT PLEDGEMASTER.

HER NAME'S SALLY.

WELL, STAN IS HALF-RIGHT. MY NAME IS SALLY,

BUT FROM NOW ON, YOU'LL ALL KNOW ME AS...

OW! OW! OW!

THAT'S RIGHT. SALLY OW OW OW!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M BUCKY.

OH, MY GOD. YOUR PARENTS ARE SO CRUEL,

BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET.

AAH!

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M JIM.

NOT ANYMORE.

FROM NOW ON, YOUR NAME IS ROSE

AND YOU'RE A 78-YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER.

GO RUN 6 MILES WITH A WALKER. GO, GO, GO!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, TOMMY?

I'M TOMMY.

Stan: EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME!

DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

UH, NO, NOT AT ALL. I NEVER MET HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

NO SPECIAL TREATMENT HERE.

SHE'LL TREAT ME EXACTLY LIKE SHE TREATS EVERYONE ELSE

SHE DOESN'T KNOW, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, RIGHT?

YEAH.

OK.

REALLY?

[WHISPERING] Yes!

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

ONE QUESTION. YOU WEARING BOXERS OR BRIEFS?

BOXERS.

WRONG ANSWER. AAH!

MARY, YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT

I'M DEEP INTO STEP 2.

I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ELIMINATED

ALL THE NEGATIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN MY LIFE--

JUDITH, STRUDWICK, THE CHANCELLOR.

I'VE EVEN STOPPED YELLING AT THE LITTLE VOICE

THAT COMES OUT OF THE CLOWN'S HEAD

WHEN I'M AT THE DRIVE-THROUGH.

WOW, YOU'VE REALLY GROWN!

YES, I HAVE, MARY.

I'M ALMOST PERMA-HAPPY DICK.

OHH!

ANYWAY, YOU'RE HISTORY.

WHAT?

YEAH, YOU'RE GONE.

I CAN'T BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE.

TOO MANY UPS AND DOWNS.

YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME BECAUSE OF THIS BOOK?

YEAH. I'M AFRAID SO.

NO.

I KNOW IT'S HARD, MARY.

NO, IT'S NOT HARD, DICK. IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING.

WHAT?

WELL, WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM THIS BOOK IS THAT

"ON THE FERRIS WHEEL OF LIFE, I AM THE CARNY HOLDING THE THROTTLE."

I CHOOSE NOT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU.

REALLY?

CAN YOU DO THAT?

YEAH.

YEAH. I MEAN, I THINK "YOU HAVE A TENDENCY

"TO UNDERESTIMATE THE-- THE SICKNESS

OF THE CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP,"

AND WE'RE IN ONE, MISTER, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I NEED TO, UH...

"STEP OFF THE DESPERATION TREADMILL

"AND FROLIC THROUGH THE FOREST OF SOLITUDE

WITH MY SELF ELF."

SELF ELF?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

IT IS THE SPRIGHTLY INNER HAPPINESS THAT YOU ACHIEVE

WHEN YOU SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE SELF,

BUT YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU'D READ THE BOOK.

I'M AT THE HELM. I'M AT THE HELM.

Dick: CALM, CALM. HAPPY, HAPPY.

I'M AT THE HELM. I'M AT THE HELM.

CALM, CALM, HAPPY, HAPPY! I'M AT THE HELM.

I'M AT THE HELM. I'M AT THE HELM!

GRANDMA ROSE, GET ME ANOTHER BEER

YES PLEDGE MASTER SALLY!

PERMISSION TO SPEAK WITH THE ASSISTANT PLEDGE MASTER

AND PUT THIS THING DOWN?

DENIED AND DENIED.

COME ON SALLY!

OH!

THAT IS HIGHLY UNSEEMING.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME OUT

THAT IS WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M HELPING YOU BUILD CHARACTER.

I JUST WANT YOU TO HELP ME GET INTO THIS FRAT.

AND YOU WILL.

I WILL?

OH, YEAH! IF YOU GET THROUGH HELL WEEK.

IF I GET THROUGH?

TOMMY, LISTEN TO ME.

I TOOK AN OATH HERE, OK?

I MUST UPHOLD THIS FRATERNITY'S HALLOWED TRADITIONS.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST ON A POWER TRIP.

THAT'S A BIT DISRESPECTFUL, PLEBE.

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU.

MAYBE NOT,

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID OF--

ME.

MAYBE SO,

BUT ANYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH

ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER.

OK, SO YOU'RE SUPPORTING MY INITIAL ARGUMENT.

THEN I RECANT.

IF YOU RECANT, THEN YOU QUIT.

THEN I QUIT.

OH, YOU ARE SUCH A COWARD.

YOU NEVER DESERVED TO BE IN THIS FRATERNITY.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, HIT ME WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

20 PUSHUPS NOW!

HOW ABOUT 10?

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!

JEEZ, AREN'T YOU DONE YET?

MADAME, THESE THINGS TAKE TIME.

DID YOUR REPUTATION AS A GIN-SOAKED GOOD TIME GIRL

HAPPEN OVERNIGHT?

NO, IT HAPPENED OVER SEVERAL NIGHTS.

AND IT REALLY STUCK AFTER THAT CONVENTION.

LOOK, I DON'T NEED YOU NAGGING ME, OK,

WHEN THIS HAS BEEN MOCKING ME DAY AND NIGHT!

STOP IT!

SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

WHAT'S THAT? I DIDN'T THINK I HEARD YA!

EEW!

EEW!

WHOA!

IT'S FINISHED.

HEY, THAT--THAT'S GOOD.

SO YOU GOING TO PAINT THE GARAGE NEXT?

IMPOSSIBLE.

I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.

AHEM!

UH-UH, NO, NO.

JUST THE ONE.

HEY, GOOD-LOOKING.

HAVING A GOOD TIME?

OF COURSE.

QUITE A DIFFERENCE, EH?

NOW THAT YOU'VE ELIMINATED ALL THE PROBLEM PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE,

ONLY THE HAPPY ELITE REMAINS--YOU...

AND ME.

I GUESS.

IS SOMETHING WRONG, DICK?

WRONG? WHAT COULD BE WRONG?

NO ONE'S CONTRADICTING ME. NO ONE'S TELLING ME TO LOWER MY VOICE.

NO ONE'S TOLD ME NOT TO LICK THE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS.

I'M CALM AND--AND--AND...

I'M HAPPY.

IT'S BORING, ISN'T IT?

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT IS.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THERE'S NO CONFLICT HERE, DICK,

AND I THINK YOU NEED THAT.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

ARE YOU SO SURE?

WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME HERE,

AND FRANKLY, NEITHER AM I.

YOU KNOW WHOSE FAULT THAT IS?

YOURS?

IT'S THE BOOK'S FAULT.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT!

I SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO YOU AND NOT THAT STUPID BOOK.

I ALMOST THREW AWAY MARY.

YEAH. AND SHE'S THE ONLY GOOD THING YOU'VE GOT GOING.

HA. YEAH, NEVER A DULL MOMENT WITH MARY.

WE'D BETTER GET OVER THERE.

YEAH. I'M WITH YOU. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE--

OH, BY THE WAY,

ABOUT THE CHECK.

I KNOW. I KNOW. I'LL GET IT.

YOU GO.

THANKS, DICK. YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

NO.

CHECK PLEASE!

THIS IS GOOD.

WE JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS LAST TEST

AND WE'VE MADE IT.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO BREAK ME. SHE'LL BREAK ME.

TOMMY, RELAX, MAN.

YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING SHE'S THROWN AT YOU.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I HAVE.

I'M A MOUNTAIN.

I AM A MOUNTAIN!

STAND UP, PLEBES!

HI, LADIES.

BOY, ARE YOU IN FOR A TREAT TODAY!

I HAVE 3 TASTY POPOVERS RIGHT HERE.

LADIES LIKE POPOVERS, DON'T THEY, LADIES?

HUH?

OK. HOLD OUT YOUR HANDS.

ONE IS CHERRY.

HUH?

ONE IS APRICOT.

AND ONE MAY OR MAY NOT BE SPIDER.

UHH!

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT ONE OF YOU

IS PATHOLOGICALLY AFRAID OF SPIDERS.

DON'T WORRY, TOMMY. IT'S JUST A PSYCHE-OUT.

NO ONE WOULD ACTUALLY PUT A POISONOUS SPIDER IN A POPOVER.

POISONOUS?

DID SHE SAY POISONOUS?

LADIES...

AHEM!

TAKE EAT OF THE POPOVER!

MMM! APRICOT.

OH!

SPIDER?

NO, CHERRY! I HATE CHERRY.

CONGRATULATIONS, MEN. THAT'S FANTASTIC!

YOU'VE JOINED THE FRATERNITY!

[CHEERING]

SADLY, EVERYONE EXCEPT TOMMY.

TOMMY, BITE THE POPOVER...

AND JOIN THE COVENANT OF YOUR BRETHREN.

YEAH, COME ON, TOMMY. DO IT.

YOU CAN DO IT!

I CAN'T DO IT!

All: BITE IT! BITE IT! BITE IT! BITE IT!

BITE IT! BITE IT! BITE IT! BITE IT!

BITE IT! BITE IT!

WAIT! GUYS, LET ME EXPLAIN.

SALLY IS MY AUNT,

AND I WANTED TO GET INTO THIS FRAT SO BADLY,

THAT I DID WHAT ANY OF YOU WOULD'VE DONE.

I ASKED MY AUNT FOR HELP,

BUT NOW, SHE'S GONE MAD WITH POWER,

AND I THINK WE NEED TO KICK HER OUT.

RIGHT?

BROTHERS, UNITE!

GET THE WEENY.

MARY! AAH!

WAKE UP, UP, UP, UP, UP!

WHAT? I'M SLEEPING!

HENCE THE DEMAND.

I'M HERE FOR A FIGHT!

WHAT DID I DO?

NOTHING

BUT LET'S FIND SOMETHING

OR, OR, BETTER YET, SOMETHNIG I DID

THAT'S A MUCH RICHER AREA.

IS THIS FROM THE BOOK?

OH, FORGET THE BOOK!

THE BOOK JUST WANTS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY?

NOT ALL THE TIME. IT'S NO FUN.

I NEED CONFLICT.

IT MAKES ME FEEL. IT MAKES ME LEARN!

SO COME ON, BRING IT.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I'M HAPPY.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YES, I AM.

YES, I AM. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YES, I AM!

YES, I AM! NO, YOU'RE NOT!

THIS IS THE FACE OF PEACE AND TRANQUILITY--

PERMA-HAPPY MARY!

OH, GOD, YOU'RE SEXY WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY.

KISS ME.

MMM!

MMM!

AH, SO TOMMY IS REALLY BUMMED

HE DIDN'T GET INTO THAT FRATERNITY.

GOOD! LET HIM FEEL MISERABLE NOW.

THAT WAY, HE'LL APPRECIATE HOW GOOD HE FEELS

WHEN HE FINALLY DOES GET IN.

AH, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I REWROTE THE BY-LAWS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WEIRD.

IF A HUMAN WANTS TO BE RICH OR THIN OR HAPPY,

THEY GOT TO READ ABOUT HOW TO DO IT IN A BOOK.

YEAH, BUT ALL THE NEGATIVE CRAP SEEMS TO COME EASILY.

THERE'S NO BOOK THAT TELLS YOU HOW TO BE

SELFISH, STUPID OR OBNOXIOUS.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE ONE.

WELL, I COULD, BUT I'M TOO LAZY.

YEAH.