Original subtitles

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THROWING STUFF IN THE TIME-SPACE PORTAL.

DICK SAYS WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

SO, IT'S FUN!

BESIDES DICK'S NOT HERE. WE'RE ALONE.

COME ON, LET'S DO IT.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T WANT TO GET A BAD REPUTATION.

I WON'T TELL.

WELL...OK.

BUT JUST THIS ONCE.

[ELECTRONIC HUM]

AAH!

OH, THAT WAS QUICKER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

OH!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! NO.

HAVE YOU 2 BEEN THROWING STUFF IN THE TIME-SPACE PORTAL?

NO! NO.

YOU BETTER NOT.

BECAUSE IF I EVER CATCH YOU DOING THAT,

YOU WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

MY, YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD.

OH, IN FACT, I AM.

I'M HAVING DINNER TONIGHT

WITH MARY AND HER HORRIBLE MOTHER.

[ELECTRONIC HUM]

YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWING AROUND WITH THE PORTAL, HAVEN'T YOU?

LIKE WE'D DO THAT WITH YOU IN THE HOUSE!

THAT'S JUST GROSS. YEAH.

WELL, YOU WON'T MIND OPENING THE CLOSET DOOR THEN,

WILL YOU?

OK. NO, THAT'S COOL.

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AW, CRAP!

OHH, I KNEW IT!

AN ALIEN FROM THE HOME PLANET!

MY PRONGS ARE GONE.

MY PRONGS ARE GONE!

HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

I WAS HANGING AROUND THE TERRESTRIAL VORTEX,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I GOT SUCKED IN.

OHHH.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU LEAVE THE RECEPTOR OPEN,

YOU DIDN'T USE PRECAUTIONS,

AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE GOT. ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.

WAIT A SECOND! WE DON'T WANT TO BE SADDLED WITH HIM!

WE GOT OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF US!

YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU HAD YOUR FUN.

30 SECONDS OF PLEASURE...

AND A WHOLE LIFETIME OF RESPONSIBILITY.

Harry: THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

OH, YOU ENJOYED EVERY SECOND OF IT!

Harry: WELL, I GUESS WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO PUT OUR LIFE ON HOLD.

TAKE CARE OF HIM.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. HE IS KIND OF CUTE.

AH-CHOO!

SO, MARTHA, HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR VISIT

WITH OUR MARY?

IT'S TERRIFIC!

QUITE A HOSTESS, MY LITTLE MARY MARGARET.

THANK YOU, MOTHER.

IT'S NOT EVERYDAY YOU GET TO SLEEP ON A MILDEWED METAL COT.

I DID OFFER YOU MY BED.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT IT JUST DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT.

LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH HISTORY THERE, HUH?

PUMPKIN, DON'T LEAN OVER YOUR PLATE.

THIS IS A RESTAURANT.

YOU'RE NOT IN A FEDERAL PRISON.

I COULD BE.

REAL SOON.

WOULD YOU 2 EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THOSE CAPE CODS GO RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

I AM IN HELL!

OH, MY POOR MARY.

I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS.

ALL MISERABLE AND FRECKLED WITH BREAD CRUMBS.

I DREAD THESE VISITS. IT'S PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE!

I MEAN, THIS IS THE REASON I WAS FAT WHEN I WAS A CHILD.

FOOD WAS MY ONLY FRIEND.

WELL IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU 2 HAVE STAYED IN TOUCH.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER HOW YOU FEEL?

OH, I CAN'T. HOW CAN YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER

SHE'S A TERRIBLE MOTHER?

THIS IS A PERFECTLY LOVELY RESTAURANT

YOU PICKED OUT, MARY MARGARET. THANK YOU.

NICE WOMAN IN THE LADIES ROOM GAVE ME THIS COMB.

THERE YOU GO. PUT IT TO GOOD USE.

SO, MARY, FIRST A TOAST TO MARTHA.

YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I'M SORRY, THAT DIDN'T COME OUT QUITE RIGHT.

TO MARTHA, THE WORST MOTHER IN ALL THE WORLD.

DICK!

IT'S OK, MARY. IT'S OK.

I FOUND A WAY TO TELL HER.

HOW DARE YOU.

I MEAN, REALLY. HOW DARE YOU!

IF THIS DRINK WASN'T SO BLOODY GOOD

I'D TOSS IT IN YOUR FACE.

OH, YEAH? WELL, BRING IT ON!

COME ON! COME ON, MARTHA!

COME ON, LET'S TAKE IT OUT BACK!

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS HE--

DICK! YOU WILL NOT HAVE A FISTFIGHT WITH MY MOTHER!

IT'S OK, MARY.

I'LL USE THE OPEN HAND.

COME ON. COME ON, MARTHA, GET OUT HERE!

WAIT A MINUTE!

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

I'M LEAVING NOW! I'M LEAVING!

I'M TELLING YOU, MARY,

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO SETTLE THIS.

YOU PISSANT!

OW!

MY HIP!

WAITER, WE'LL HAVE AN AMBULANCE FOR THE LADY,

AND I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SALAD!

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE FELLA.

OH!

YEAH, YOU CAN'T GO OUT

TILL YOU GET USED TO THAT NEW BODY OF YOURS.

BUT I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS ONE.

THERE'S A HOLE IN THE BACK.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, SMILE!

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

THE MOMENT'S OVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WOULD HELP IF YOU WOULD TAKE

A LITTLE MORE INTEREST IN THIS.

FINE.

Sally: LET'S GIVE HIM A NAME.

IT'LL BE EASIER TO YELL AT HIM.

WELL, LET ME SEE.

HE'S JUST A GUY.

LET'S CALL HIM...

GUY.

WHO'S GUY?

OK, SEE? HE'S SLOW.

STOP SAYING THAT!

I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT!

I HATE IT WHEN YOU FIGHT!

SEE? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

IT'S OK. HEY!

WHO'S GOT YOUR NOSE?

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

MORNING.

MARY, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT.

OH, NO, DICK. I HAD A VERY RESTFUL NIGHT

WITH MY MOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL.

I WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

I KNOW. BUT YOU JUST MADE THINGS WORSE.

NOW WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL

SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO STAY WITH ME.

OH, I'M SO SORRY, MARY.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO

TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR YOU.

AS LONG AS MARTHA ALBRIGHT IS IN MY--MY LIFE,

THERE'S NOTHING ANY OF US CAN DO.

OH, I'LL FIND A WAY, MY DARLING.

FOR YOU, NO SACRIFICE IS TOO GREAT.

UH-HUH.

OH, BY THE WAY, WITH ALL THE RUCKUS AT DINNER LAST NIGHT,

I ACCIDENTLY OVERTIPPED.

YOU OWE ME A FIVER.

FINISH YOUR LUNCH.

WELL, THERE WAS A SALE ON CHOPS, AND THE MARKET WAS A ZOO.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOU CAN'T JUST PLOP HIM DOWN IN FRONT OF THE TV.

WHERE ARE HIS PHONICS FLASHCARDS?

WHEN I LEFT, YOU AGREED THAT YOU WOULD DO HIS PHONICS FLASHCARDS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE TOOK A BATH WITH THEM.

THE SHAMPOO BURNED MY EYES.

LOOK, I'M GOING STIR-CRAZY HERE.

IT IS SO BORING HAVING TO WATCH HIM.

IF YOU'RE BORED, LET'S PLAY DOORBELL.

WHAT'S DOORBELL?

DING-DONG.

NO, NO, NO!

YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM. OF COURSE HE'S HYPER.

YOU'VE BEEN FEEDING HIM CANDY ALL DAY.

HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT CANDY IS CHOCK FULL OF NUTRITIOUS SUGAR,

AND IT'LL ALSO HELP HIM LEARN HIS LETTERS.

WELL..."M."

HEY, WHO WANTS TO PLAY ANOTHER GAME?

NO WAY, MAN.

COME ON, PLAY WITH THE BOY.

FINE. AS LONG AS IT'S NOT "DOORBELL."

DOUBLE DOORBELL! DING-DONG.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

OH, OK. FINE THEN.

YOU JUST GO, YOU DEADBEAT. WE DON'T NEED YA.

GUY AND I WILL PLAY DOORBELL.

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU MARTHA ALBRIGHT'S DOCTOR?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF THE ALBRIGHT FAMILY.

SADLY, WE'VE DECIDED IT'S BEST TO...

TO PULL THE PLUG.

W-WHAT? SHE JUST HAD A HIP REPLACEMENT.

LOOK, THIS IS A QUALITY OF LIFE ISSUE.

SHE'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

NO, NOT HER QUALITY OF LIFE,

HER DAUGHTER'S.

I'M CALLING SECURITY.

UH...COME ON! IT'S ALMOST SKI SEASON.

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED THE BEDS!

WHO THE HELL UNPLUGGED MY FAN?

HELLO, MARTHA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? THE PSYCH WARD'S ON 6.

GOOD TO SEE THE MORPHINE HAVEN'T DULLED

THE NEURONS WHERE MEAN IS STORED.

DICK, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO TALK TO YOU.

THE TRUTH HURTS, DOESN'T IT MARTHA?

BUT THERE'S NO SPACE-AGED TITANIUM HIP REPLACEMENT

TO MEND MARY'S BROKEN CHILDHOOD.

MARY'S BROKEN CHILDHOOD..

PLEASE!

MARY WAS LOVED, DICK.

MARY HAD A LOVELY HOME, DICK.

MARY WENT TO THE BEST SCHOOLS, DICK.

WE EVEN BOUGHT HER A PONY WHEN SHE WAS 8!

A PONY?

YES.

MARY NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

SHE TRADED THAT PONY FOR A POSTER OF RINGO.

OH, THAT IS SO THOUGHTLESS OF HER

PAUL WAS THE CUTE ONE.

I KNOW.

AND WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER

OH! WHAT A HANDFULL.

DO YOU KNOW

I HAD TO LACE HER ORANGE JUICE IN THE MORNING

WITH CRUSHED BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

S-SO, YOU MADE SURE SHE GOT HER VITAMIN C

AND KEPT HER FROM GETTING KNOCKED UP?

THAT IS SO CARING.

ALL RIGHT. I WAS HARD ON HER,

BUT I JUST WANTED HER TO BE THE BEST MARY MARGARET EVER.

I LOVED HER, DICK.

AND I STILL DO.

I JUST LOVE HER.

I NEVER REALIZED THERE WAS ANOTHER SIDE TO THIS STORY,

THE MOTHER'S SIDE.

MARTHA, FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL WANT FOR NEITHER GRATITUDE NOR AFFECTION.

BECAUSE, GENTLE MOTHER,

I WILL TEND TO YOUR EVERY NEED.

OH, DICK.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE JOHN.

I'LL RING FOR THE NURSE.

THIS IS NICE. WE HAVEN'T BEEN OUT IN A WHILE.

THAT WAS THE NICEST WASHROOM I'VE EVER SEEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE WOMEN WERE SCREAMING ABOUT.

OH, GOD. SIT DOWN.

DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

I'M NOT HANDLING FOOD, AND I'M NOT AN EMPLOYEE.

OK, DROP THAT SARCASM RIGHT NOW, BUSTER.

WHEN ARE YOU TWO GOING TO GET OFF MY BACK.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

IT'S OBVIOUSLY TOO SOON TO TAKE HIM OUT IN PUBLIC.

HE'S NOT READY. LET'S GO.

I AM READY!

ALL RIGHT, THEN ACT IT!

HEY, SHE'S HERE.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO INTERACT WITH A REAL HUMAN BEING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

DO NOT SCREW IT UP!

OH, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME.

HI, HI, HI, HI! I'M SORRY TO BE LATE.

ANOTHER PHARMACY IS ONTO ME.

MISS DUBCEK, THIS IS GUY.

OH, HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, SO WHAT DO YOU DO, GUY?

I USED TO BE A PHOTON SHUNT IN THE WAVELENGTH CONTINUUM,

BUT NOW I WEAR PANTS AND TALK.

CAN YOU TALK WITHOUT THE PANTS?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I CAN PUT THAT ON MY LIST.

OH...HA HA HA.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

YOU LIKE?

DICK! YOU'RE A GENIUS!

HOW'D YOU GET MY BANGS TO SPLIT APART LIKE THAT?

A LITTLE LOVE, A LITTLE TALENT,

AND A LITTLE VOLUMIZING SPRAY

MAKE FOR MIRACLES.

OH, THANK YOU, DICK. YOU ARE ADORABLE.

BACK AT YOU, CUTE THING.

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO'S GETTING A NEW CAFTAN.

NOW, YOU JUST SIT A SPELL,

AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO WORK THAT SHINY NEW HIP OF YOURS.

YES, YES, YES. OH, NO, NO, NO!

Mary: DICK! DICK!

IS THAT MARY?

DON'T YOU WORRY. I'LL TALK TO HER.

DICK, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

MARY, PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN. YOUR MOTHER IS RESTING.

I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TO PICK HER UP,

AND THEY SAID HER SON CAME AND GOT HER.

NOW, I KNOW IT CAN'T BE MY BROTHER ROY.

SHE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER OUT ON HIM.

NO, MARY. IT WAS ME.

WELL... I'M HERE TO GET HER.

WHY? SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF HER

IN SOME SORT OF PERFUNCTORY MANNER?

WELL...YEAH.

MARTHA DESERVES MORE THAN THAT.

SHE SHED SOME NEW LIGHT ON YOUR PAST, MARY.

YOU WERE QUITE THE REBELLIOUS LITTLE TART.

DICK, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS LIKE

LIVING WITH A MOTHER LIKE THAT!

AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO A MOTHER!

YES.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I THINK I HEAR MOTHER CALLING.

I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LISTENING WITH YOUR EARS...

AND NOT YOUR HEART.

I GOTTA SAY, HE'S NOT SCREWING UP LIKE I THOUGHT HE WOULD.

YEAH, HE'S DOING GREAT. SHE THINKS HE'S AS NORMAL AS WE ARE.

THAT STRAW'S ON FIRE!

YET YOU SEEM TO LOVE IT.

GIVE ME ONE.

YOU TOUCH THAT, YOU DIE.

OH, NO, NO, NO. SEE, IF YOU SAY NO,

THAT'LL JUST MAKE IT TABOO,

AND HE'LL WANT IT THAT MUCH MORE.

IT'S YOUR DECISION.

UH...

GIVE ME THAT CIGARETTE.

GIVE IT. RIGHT NOW!

HEY! AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF,

YOU LIVE BY MY RULES!

YOU 2 ARE SO ANNOYING!

LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY FRIENDS.

YOU HEARD THE GENT.

I'LL DROP HIM OFF LATER.

OK. NO PROBLEM. THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

SEE YOU AT HOME, HARRY.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BY THE WAY, LET ME SEE THESE CIGARETTES, DUBCEK...

THERE YOU GO!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, MR. "I'M COOL 'CAUSE I SMOKE," HUH?

SMOKE 'EM! SMOKE 'EM ALL!

ALL RIGHT! GOOD!

YOU MADE IT ALL THE WAY AROUND THE KITCHEN.

BIG DEAL.

I'VE GOT CLOSETS AT HOME BIGGER THAN THIS KITCHEN.

YEAH, IT IS RATHER COZY, ISN'T IT?

DICK...

A COTTAGE IS COZY.

THIS IS MORE LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D KEEP A CRICKET IN.

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION.

PUT THAT ON HOLD, PLEASE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

WHAT I NEED IS 10 CCs OF VODKA.

I--I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MIX ALCOHOL WITH YOUR PILLS.

OH, REALLY?

WELL...

I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD MIX

THAT HAIRCUT WITH THAT FOREHEAD.

MARTHA, THAT SOUNDED A LITTLE SHARP.

OH, I'M SORRY. DID IT?

NEVER MIND. AH, ICE CREAM!

YEAH, GOOD.

THAT'S THE STUFF.

DICK, IF YOU'RE GOING TO SNACK LIKE THAT,

YOU OUGHT TO START WEARING A LOT OF BLACK.

BLACK?

YES, BLACK.

SLIMMING.

BUT I... I DON'T NEED THAT.

WELL, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT DOES TEND TO HIGHLIGHT YOUR DANDRUFF.

OH! I NEED A BREAK.

SHE'S A MADWOMAN!

THAT LITTLE SQUINTY GUY'S NOT SO GREAT, EITHER.

SHE'S LIKE A SNIPER!

I DROP MY GUARD FOR ONE SECOND, AND BANG!

A VERBAL SHOT ABOUT MY CHILD-BEARING HIPS.

THEY WON'T LET ME OUT WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION.

I'M LIKE A RAISIN IN A CAGE.

A RAISIN IN A CAGE?

I BEEN HERE 3 DAYS, MAN. LAY OFF!

WHY IN HELL WOULD ANYONE PUT UP WITH SUCH ABUSE?

WELL, HARRY AND SALLY WERE THERE FOR ME

WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN BILL PULLMAN AND BILL PAXTON.

ONE'S A LITTLE BEEFIER.

I KNOW THAT!

YOU'RE RIGHT. I GUESS THESE RELATIONSHIPS LINGER

BECAUSE WE FEEL INDEBTED TO THOSE

WHO TOOK CARE OF US IN OUR INFANCY.

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE SO ANNOYING!

THAT'S WHAT YOU AND I AND MARY

AND ANYONE ELSE WITH PARENTS HAS TO PUT UP WITH.

BUT...HARRY AND SALLY AREN'T MY PARENTS.

WELL, MAYBE NOT IN THE SAME WAY

THAT MARTHA IS MY MOTHER.

HOLD ON!

YEAH! YOU CAN WALK AWAY FROM THIS SITUATION

ANYTIME YOU WANT!

YEAH! YOU'RE RIGHT!

IT'S TIME TO BAG THE OLD BAG!

YOU COULD GET OUT, TOO!

YEAH!

WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK THERE'S ONE THING

WE'RE BOTH FORGETTING ABOUT!

THE GATE ON THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

YOU PUSH THE TABS TOGETHER

AND PULL IT BACK.

OH, MAN!

YOU'RE THE GREATEST!

W-W-WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

DICK!

DICK?

I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

Martha: DIIIICK!

WHAAAAT?!

I WANT YOU TO RUB A LITTLE SALVE ON MY LUMBAR.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO CUT THIS MILLSTONE FROM AROUND MY NECK.

DIIIICK?

WHAAAAT?!

DICK!

OH!

OH, I... I'M SORRY, MARY.

FOR A MOMENT THERE YOU SOUNDED

UNNERVINGLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

NOW MARY, I'M GOING TO GO IN THERE AND TALK TO YOUR MOTHER,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN.

NO! NO! YOU'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME.

NOW, I KNOW I'VE HAD A ROUGH HISTORY WITH THAT WOMAN,

BUT THERE'S ONE THING THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

SHE'LL ALWAYS BE M-M-MY MOTHER.

SHE'S MY RESPONSIBILITY.

NOW, LIKE IT OR NOT, SHE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.

MARTHA, YOUR RIDE'S HERE!

WELL, THIS IS IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO MISS YOU GUYS?

LISTEN, GUY. BE CAREFUL OUT THERE.

OOH! AND YOU'RE PROBABLY GOING TO NEED A LITTLE MONEY.

WELL, I GUESS I ALWAYS KNEW THAT THIS DAY WOULD COME, BUT...

NOTHING EVER QUITE PREPARES YOU FOR IT.

I'M SORRY! I PROMISED I WOULDN'T DO THIS!

IT'S TIME, HARRY.

YOU TAUGHT ME WELL.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SPREAD MY LEGS AND FLY.

GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE, SIR.

WELL, SALLY...

NOW I GUESS WE'LL HAVE THE TIME

TO DO ALL THOSE THINGS WE ALWAYS DREAMED OF.

WELL, LIKE WHAT?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, DOUBLE DOORBELL.

AAH!