Original subtitles

Dick: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A WALK IN THE PARK.

HEY, ALBRIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME ICE CREAM?

WELL, YES, HARRY, I SUPPOSE I WOULD.

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY IT, THEN,

'CAUSE MY MONEY'S NO GOOD HERE.

YOUR MONEY'S NOT GOOD ANYWHERE.

IT'S NOTHING BUT PHOTOCOPIES OF MONEY.

COME ON, HARRY.

[GASPS] HEY, DICK.

LOOK, A PARTY! LET'S CHECK IT OUT.

SALLY, WHY WOULD A GROWN MAN

TAKE THE SLIGHTEST INTEREST IN A CHILD'S B--

[GASPS] THEY HAVE BALLOONS!

SO, HARRY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, IT'S QUITE A DAZZLING SELECTION,

BUT I THINK I'VE GOT A HANKERING FOR A BOMB POP.

BUT I'VE GOT A RECEDING GUM LINE,

AND THE BLUE PART TENDS TO STING.

COOKIEWICHES ARE GOOD.

YOU SEE, WITH THEM, YOU GET THE DOUBLE WHAMMY.

YOU GET ICE CREAM AND A COOKIE.

BUT IT'S TOO MUCH OF BOTH

AND NOT ENOUGH OF EITHER.

JUST GET THE PUSH-UP.

OOH, THAT'S-- THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.

OOH, I WANT THE ROSE!

TOO LATE. I CALLED IT IN MY HEAD.

NO!

[APPLAUSE]

FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I WILL NEED A HELPER.

HOW ABOUT ONE OF THE DADDIES?

YOU, SIR.

ME?

WILL YOU HELP ME OUT ONSTAGE?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE'RE NOT HERE TO MINGLE!

I'M THE HELPER DADDY.

STEP RIGHT UP, SIR.

NOW, WHICH ONE SHOULD I EAT FIRST?

YEAH, HOLD THIS. I HAVE TO PAY.

OH. THAT LOOKS GOOD.

HEY, HEY! HELP, HELP!

OHHHHH!

AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SIR?

DICK SOLOMON.

AND DO YOU WASH BEHIND YOUR EARS?

YEAH.

WELL, THEN, HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

[GASPS]

CAN YOU READ THAT NOTE?

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMMA."

A BIG HAND FOR DICK.

OH, WOW.

HA HA HA HA!

OH, MAN, YOU WERE AWESOME!

OH, THANK YOU!

Albright: DICK! SOMEBODY STOLE MY PURSE!

JUST NOW? YEAH!

YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T SEE ME UP THERE?

THANKS A LOT!

MARY, THIS IS A COMPOSITE SKETCH OF YOUR ASSAILANT

BASED ON ALL THE EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS.

WHY IS HIS HEAD SO BIG?

WHY IS HE HOLDING A TENNIS RACKET?

WELL, THE DEPARTMENT CAN'T AFFORD A FULL-TIME SKETCH ARTIST,

SO WE HAD THE CARICATURE GUY FROM THE BIRTHDAY PARTY DO IT.

HE ALSO DID A GREAT ONE OF DON AS A COWBOY.

HA HA HA.

OH, I FEEL SO VULNERABLE

KNOWING THAT HOODLUM IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

MY POOR, TRAUMATIZED MARY.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?!

I MEAN, YOU ONLY HAD IT HAPPEN TO YOU.

I HAD TO STAND THERE

AND WATCH IT HAPPEN TO YOU.

I GOTTA LIVE WITH THAT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

[HIGH-PITCHED MOANING]

WAY TO GO, ALBRIGHT.

MARY, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED,

I TEACH A SELF-DEFENSE COURSE DOWN AT THE Y.

THANKS, DON.

I JUST MIGHT TAKE YOU UP ON THAT.

SHOULD I FILL OUT A REPORT?

AH, WHAT'S THE POINT?

I MEAN, OH, SURE, YEAH.

THANK YOU, DON.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER, WILL YOU?

SALLY, TODAY WAS JUST AMAZING!

I KNOW!

WHEN I WENT UP ONTO THAT STAGE

IN FRONT OF THAT SEA OF FACES,

IT WAS JUST EXHILARATING.

THEY WERE ALL STRANGERS,

AND YET I FELT THIS WAVE OF LOVE WASHING OVER ME.

YEAH, YOU KINDA LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE SWEATING.

I WANT TO FEEL THAT FEELING AGAIN.

AND I WILL.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

GO AROUND TOWN VOLUNTEERING TO HELP MAGICIANS?

NO. I WILL MAKE MY OWN MAGIC.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.

OH, PLEASE

WHAT THAT MAN DID WAS NOTHING MORE THAN

HUH?

SLIGHT OF HAND.

TRICKERY WITH RIGGED PROPS.

HE PULLED AN EGG OUT OF YOUR EAR.

SALLY, EVERY ILLUSION HAS A RATIONAL EXPLANATION

WHEN A MAGICIAN PULLS A DOVE OUT OF A HAT

THE HAT HAS A SECRET POCKET

THE FLOATING BALL?

ATTACHED TO TWO INVISIBLE STRINGS,

THE CHINESE MYSTERY BOX?

MYSTERY BOX.

MADE IN CHINA.

MY GOD, HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?

I'M A PHYSICIST.

I OBSERVE THE MYSTERIOUS PHENOMENA

OF THE UNIVERSE, AND I EXPLAIN THEM.

PLUS, WHEN WE WERE WAITING FOR THE COPS TO COME,

I WENT THROUGH THE BACK OF THAT GUY'S STATION WAGON.

GOOD ONE.

BUT YOU KNOW, DICK...

EVERY GREAT MAGICIAN NEEDS A GLAMOROUS ASSISTANT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU HAD A NATURAL PRESENCE.

REALLY? OH, MY GOD.

IT'S SO FUNNY YOU SAY THAT, 'CAUSE IF I HADN'T

GOTTEN MY DEGREE IN INTERSTELLAR EXPLORATION,

I DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING IN THE ARTS.

WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME IN THE MYSTICAL ARTS?

MR. SIEGFRIED.

ROY.

Albright: I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS CLASS.

I THINK LEARNING SELF-DEFENSE WILL COME IN HANDY.

INDEED, MARY.

I AM SO TIRED OF GOING TO THE BARS

AND BEING GROPED BY EVERY STRAIGHT MAN IN RUTHERFORD.

WAS SHE KDDING?

I CAN NEVER TELL.

ALL RIGHT. FOR ALL THE NEW PEOPLE--

THANK YOU--

I'M OFFICER DON ORVILLE.

OVER THE PAST 20 YEARS,

I'VE STUDIED SELF-DEFENSE

AT SOME OF THE TOP GOVERNMENT AGENCIES,

DEVELOPING SIMPLE YET EFFECTIVE COMBAT TECHNIQUES.

EXCUSE ME.

DOES THE SMALL PRINT ON YOUR SHIRT SAY

"FEDERAL BIKINI INSPECTOR"?

YES.

BUT FOR THE RECORD,

THIS SHIRT WAS GIVEN TO ME

AFTER SPRING BREAK '81,

AND I DID EARN IT.

[DOOR OPENS]

Don: HARRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, NOTHING. YOU KNOW,

JUST THINKING ABOUT MAYBE TAKING THIS CLASS.

OH, UH, UH, THIS CLASS IS FOR WOMEN ONLY.

COME ON, DON.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE AFRAID ANYMORE.

I WANT THE NIGHTMARES TO GO AWAY.

WELL, I--I SUPPOSE YOU COULD OBSERVE.

I NEED SOMEBODY TO WEAR THE PADDED SUIT.

WHAT? I CAN'T WEAR THAT!

YOU'LL BE PERFECTLY SAFE.

OH, NO, NO. IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S JUST IT'LL MAKE ME LOOK REALLY HEAVY.

NEXT UP, A COUPLE OF FIRST-TIMERS

AT OPEN MIC NIGHT.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

LET'S ASK "THE AMAZING SOLOMONELLAS."

I AM DICK, AND THIS IS MY LOVELY ASSISTANT...

SALLY. I'M SALLY. HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

SALLY.

EVEN THOUGH MY TUX IS RENTED,

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS VERY REAL.

SALLY!

I WILL-- I WILL NOW CUT SALLY

INTO 2 SEPARATE BUT EQUAL SLICES.

UH, CAN WE GET SOMEBODY FROM THE AUDIENCE

TO COME UP AND INSPECT THIS BOX?

UH, YEAH, YOU.

NO, STAY. HOW'S IT LOOK FROM THERE? GOOD? GOOD.

UH, NOW-- [CLEARS THROAT]

NOW THAT THE BOX HAS UNDERGONE

THE STRICTEST SCRUTINY,

SALLY WILL RECLINE DANGEROUSLY IN THE BOX.

SALLY?

Dick: THIS TRICK...

IS SURE TO AMAZE AND APPALL YOU.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES

SHOULD YOU TRY THIS AT HOME.

SALLY IS NOW SECURELY IN THE BOX.

CAN YOU HEAR ME, SALLY?!

YES.

THEN WE ARE READY...

TO PROCEED.

THESE...ARE 2 RAZOR-SHARP,

TEMPERED-STEEL BLADES.

[CLANG] OHH!

ARE YOU READY, SALLY?

UH-HUH.

DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST WORDS?

UH-UH.

THEN HERE WE GO.

[GROANS]

[MEEKLY] TA-DA.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

TA-DA!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

YEAH!

TA-DA!

OK. WE MISDIRECT AND KNEE.

MISDIRECT AND KNEE.

MISDIRECT AND KNEE.

OH, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, HARRY. HARRY.

WHY DON'T YOU START BY APPROACHING JUDITH?

OK.

HEY, JUDITH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

NO!

HEY, CALM DOWN!

NO, NO, NO!

DON! JUDITH IS TOTALLY FREAKIN' OUT.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S OK, HARRY. YOU'VE GOT THE SUIT.

YOU CAN'T BE HURT.

NOW JUST TRY AND HELP THESE WOMEN

BRING OUT THEIR AGGRESSIVE SIDE.

OH, YOU MEAN PISS 'EM OFF?

OH, I CAN DO THAT.

HIYA!

HIT ME!

WITH PLEASURE. UNH!

OOH, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?

UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH!

OH, BABY. SO NICE.

HOW ABOUT YOU, SWEET MAMA?

NO, I CAN'T. I--

COME ON, STUMPY. SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

I--I--I--

COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, HARRY, HARRY, HARRY.

THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY.

YEAH? WELL, I DON'T THINK IT IS.

HEY, WATCH IT!

NOW WATCH IT.

THE LAST PERSON YOU WANT TO TANGLE WITH

IS A SELF-DEFENSE INSTRUCTOR.

YEAH? WELL, COME ON, SWEET CAKES.

WHY DON'T YOU INSPECT MY BIKINI?

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

HELP ME!

OH, MY GOD, SALLY.

THAT WAS A LOVE-FEST OUT THERE.

THEY WORSHIPPED US.

OH, HO HO.

HI. I'M CY SPURNDLE, THE OWNER OF THIS CLUB.

THAT MAGIC YOU DID? MAGIC.

OH. THANKS.

I'M GONNA CALL YOU LATER.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANY PROMISES,

BUT THE WAY YOU SCORED IN THE CABARET,

YOU MAY BE READY FOR THE BIG ROOM.

WOW.

AMAZING. WHERE'S THE BIG ROOM?

IT'S THE CABARET.

WE JUST ADD 2 MORE TABLES.

SEE, WELL...

THANK YOU, MR. SPURNDLE.

THANK YOU, MR. SPURNDLE. BYE.

SALLY?

OH, DICK. OH, HO HO!

APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.

APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.

THANK YOU,

BUT THE BEST MAGIC IN THE WORLD

IS THE MAGIC SHARED BY TWO.

AND I COULDN'T DO THE MAGIC I DO

WITHOUT YOU AND YOU.

Both: AND NOW, ADIEU.

APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE.

ALL RIGHT. WAS IT BETTER THAT TIME?

DID IT EQUAL THE STAGECRAFT OF HOUDINI?

IT'S AS CLOSE AS WE'LL GET TODAY.

OH. YOU WANT TO DO IT AGAIN, OR WHAT?

NO, NO.

FINE. I'M GONNA GO FEED THE DOVE.

CY, A MOMENT.

Sally: HEY, I THINK WE SHOULD

PUT A FROG IN THE ACT!

WE ALREADY HAVE A FROG IN THE ACT.

SHE'S 6 FOOT TALL.

CY, WE HAVE TO TALK.

LOOK, THIS HAS BEEN WONDERFUL.

I MUST TELL YOU, I LOVE WHAT I DO.

SO DOES RUTHERFORD.

IF THIS KEEPS UP,

I'LL BE ABLE TO BUY REAL SMOKE ALARMS.

BUT, CY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

DOES A REAL MAGICIAN NEED AN ASSISTANT?

HONESTLY, NO,

ESPECIALLY A MAGICIAN AS GOOD AS YOU,

BUT EVERYBODY LIKES A LITTLE EYE CANDY.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S JUST SO HARD.

I KNOW, I KNOW. SHE'S A PIECE OF WORK.

JUST REMEMBER EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE THE STAR.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, CY.

I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

I'LL GO GET THE CAR, DARLING.

TERRIFIC, SWEETIE.

HEY, CY, YOU GOT A SECOND?

FOR YOU? ANYTIME.

UH, WAS DICK JUST TALKIN' ABOUT ME?

NO.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICE, BUT, UH...

HE EXHAUSTS ME,

AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE IT'S HURTING THE ACT.

THE ACT IS FINE. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE OF YOU.

SO, SO YOU AGREE HE'S DEADWOOD, RIGHT?

OH, TOTALLY. YEAH.

THIS SHOW ONLY HAS ONE STAR AND THAT'S YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, SWEETIE. THANK YOU.

Dick: SALLY!

WHAT?!

I'M GONNA SQUASH YOU LIKE A BUG, HARRY SOLOMON.

DIE, DIE, DIE! AAH! AAH! AAH!

IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

I THINK I JUST RELEASED MY INNER ANIMAL.

THANK YOU, HARRY.

OH, WELL, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

OH! OH!

Don: MARY, WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I'M SORRY, DON.

I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS CLASS.

MY MOTHER TOLD ME THAT GIRLS DON'T HIT,

AND I GUESS I NEVER GOT BEYOND THAT.

ALL RIGHT, BUT NO REFUNDS.

HEY, ALBRIGHT.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME MOTHER THAT SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE FAT?

YES.

YEAH, AND DIDN'T SHE ALSO SAY

THAT YOU'D ALWAYS BE A FAILURE?

YES.

UH-HUH, AND DIDN'T SHE ALSO TELL YOU

THAT YOU'D NEVER GET MARRIED

UNLESS IT WAS TO A BIG FAT FAILURE LIKE YOURSELF?

YOU OLD BAG!

HOW'S THE HOUSE TONIGHT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK THROUGH THE CURTAIN.

GARLIC FOR LUNCH? HOW CONSIDERATE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU SKIPPED LUNCH

SO YOU COULD CHEW THE SCENERY.

OH, SHOW BIZ LINGO.

DID YOU FIND THAT IN YOUR HOW-TO-PERFORM- ON-STAGE BOOK?

BECAUSE MAYBE YOU SHOULD START WITH THE CHAPTER ENTITLED,

"HOW TO PERFORM ON STAGE."

THAT'S SWEET.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD START WITH THE CHAPTER ENTITLED,

"DON'T DO CARD TRICKS

IF THEY'RE GONNA REFLECT OFF YOUR BIG, SWEATY FOREHEAD."

Cy: AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

GIVE IT UP FOR DICK AND SALLY, THE SOLOMONELLAS.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

YOU ALMOST KILLED ME.

WELL, YOU CUT OFF MY BEST LINE.

I WAS COMPLETELY UPSTAGED.

OH, YOU JUMPED EVERY CUE.

AND YOU'RE HOGGING THE SPOTLIGHT AGAIN.

OH, DEAL WITH IT.

IT'S SABOTAGE!

YOU'RE RUINING THE ACT.

I NEED ARTISTIC FREEDOM.

I AM SUFFOCATING.

YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN DECORATIVE TINSEL.

OH, REALLY?

YOU KNOW, I GET MORE APPLAUSE

SHAKING RABBIT PELLETS OUT OF THAT HAT

THAN YOU GET FOR YOUR WHOLE ACT.

I AM THE SHOW!

OH, WAKE UP. I AM THE SHOW!

NO. YOU'RE JUST AN AMATEUR.

HAM! DIVA!

HACK! I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU MORE!

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO US?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.

NEITHER DO I.

SALLY.

DICK. OH!

GUYS, YOU READY FOR THE NEXT SHOW?

NO. WE'RE NOT GOING ON.

BUT I GOT A CROWD OUT THERE.

FORGET IT. WE QUIT.

YOU'RE EVIL.

WHAT ABOUT THE SHOW?

DO IT YOURSELF.

KEEP THE PROPS.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, SALLY.

WE'RE WALKING OUT THIS DOOR,

EATING OUR FREE MEAL AT THE BAR,

AND TURNING OUR BACKS ON THIS HELL HOLE OF YOURS FOREVER!

HARRY, WE'VE BEEN OUT HERE FOR 2 HOURS.

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

I TOLD YOU, ALBRIGHT.

WE'RE TAKING BACK THE PARK.

FROM WHOM?

FROM HIM.

THAT'S THE GUY WHO STOLE ALBRIGHT'S PURSE.

REALLY?

I DON'T KNOW, MARY.

HE'S NOT CARRYING A TENNIS RACKET,

AND HIS HEAD'S A NORMAL SIZE.

OH, THAT'S HIM ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD ARREST HIM.

BUT WHO'S THE PADDED MAN HERE?

YOU ARE. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HELLO.

ENJOYING YOUR LATTE BOUGHT WITH ILL-GOTTEN GAINS?

HUH?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

THIS PARK IS FOR NICE, LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS,

NOT LOW-LIFE SCUM LIKE YOURSELF.

YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

MY NAME IS HARRY, AND THESE ARE MY ANGELS.

NOW GET HIM! GO GET HIM!

[FIGHTING GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

UM, I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS HIM.

I JUST DON'T GET IT, SALLY.

HOW COULD PERFORMING

FOR A ROOMFUL OF TOTAL STRANGERS DO THAT TO US?

THE LIGHTS, THE APPLAUSE, THE ROAR OF THE CROWD.

IT'S LIKE A DRUG.

YEAH. A DRUG THAT WE COULDN'T KICK.

IT TURNED US INTO SELF-ABSORBED, EGO-DRIVEN MONSTERS.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY THINK

WE SHOULD JUST LEAVE THE PERFORMING TO THE PROFESSIONALS.

YEAH. IT NEVER HAPPENS TO THEM. NOPE.

WOULD YOU GUYS SHOW ME A MAGIC TRICK?

WHY, SURE, HARRY, BUT FIRST...

I THINK YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE.

WHOA. THAT'S WEIRD.

NOW LET'S SEE SOME MAGIC.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?

OH. EWW.

I WONDER HOW LONG THAT'S BEEN THERE.

NOW LET'S SEE SOME MAGIC.

OH, BY THE WAY, HARRY. WHAT TIME HAVE YOU GOT?

WELL, IT'S...

OK, I'M GONNA GET A VASE FOR THESE,

AND THEN I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME MAGIC.