Original subtitles

AH. ARENA FOOTBALL.

COUNTRY COUSIN OF THE MONSTER-TRUCK RALLY.

THE DEADBEAT DAD OF ROLLER DERBY.

ARENA FOOTBALL.

FOOTBALL IN AN ARENA.

Man on P.A.: WELCOME TO THE RUTHER-DOME.

PLEASE RISE FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

THAT'S THE MOST PATHETIC WAVE I'VE EVER SEEN.

ARE THESE PEOPLE PLAYING A DANGEROUS GAME?

THEY'VE CRESTED FOR FAR TOO LONG.

SOONER OR LATER THEY'VE GOT TO CRASH.

* OH, SAY, CAN YOU SEE

* BY THE DAWN'S...

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT

FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM, HUH?

YES, SIR.

WHAT DO WE DO, DICK?

JUST DO WHAT THE OTHERS ARE DOING.

* YEA, THOUGH I WALK

* THROUGH THE VALLEY OF DEATH *

* I KNOW THAT

OH, CHECK IT OUT.

THE WORDS ARE ON THE RUTHER-TRON.

* GALLANTLY STREAMING

* AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE *

* THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR *

* GAVE PROOF THRO' THE NIGHT *

* THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE *

* OH, SAY DOES THAT STAR-SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE *

* O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE *

* AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE? *

[ALL CHEERING]

ONE MORE TIME!

[HUMMING]

I CANNOT GET THAT SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.

I KNOW. IT IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT,

ONE OF THE CATCHIEST SONGS I'VE EVER HEARD.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

ACHY BREAKY HEART IS DEAD TO ME.

AND NOW I CAN'T GET T SONG OUT OF MY HEAD.

HEY, GUYS,

CHECK OUT WHAT I FOUND IN THE CLOSET.

IT'S THE ORIGINAL COPY

OF THE DECLARATN OF INDEPENDENCE.

NO!

YEAH, AND IT'S ON ONE OF THE ORIGINAL COPIES

OF A RUSTY BURGER PLACE MAT.

LOOK AT THIS WAR-TORN DOCUMENT,

STAINED WITH THE BLOOD AND MUSTARD OF PATRIOTS PAST.

THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

YOU KNOW, HUMANS HAVE SUCH A DEEP LOVE

FOR THEIR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN,

THEY'D EVEN LAY DOWN THEIR LIVES FOR IT. WHY IS THAT?

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE ANY SAY IN WHERE THEY'RE BORN.

IT'S TOTALLY RANDOM.

YEAH, ALTHOUGH A LOT OF CHINESE

TEND TO END UP IN CHINA.

HEY, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AMERICAN.

WE'D BETTER GET WITH THE PROGRAM,

OR IT'S GONNA LOOK AWFULLY SUSPICIOUS.

TOMMY, YOU STUDY THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS

THAT CREATED THIS COUNTRY, AND SEE WHAT'S THERE.

WILL DO. HARRY...

YOU COVER ANTHEMS, AND AMERICAN EPIC POETRY.

OK. AND YOU, SALLY,

I WANT YOU SEARCHING SO MUCH MICROFICHE AT THE LIBRARY

THAT YOU'LL WISH WE HAD AN INTERNET CONNECTION.

SIR, YES, SIR!

GODSPEED.

OK, YOU HEARD THE MAN.

COME ON, AMERICANS, LET'S GET OVER HERE.

LET'S START WITH THIS THING.

UM, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF EVIDENT

"THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL,

BUT THAT THEY ARE ENDOWED--" WAIT, WAIT, WAIT--

WHAT?

"THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL."

WE'RE ALL EQUAL? WELL, THAT'S COOL.

YEAH.

SO THEN, FOR US TO BE THE BEST AMERICANS WE CAN BE,

WE NEED COMPLETE EQUALITY.

YES, YES, YES.

WE NEED TO SHARE EVERYTHING.

THE FOOD, THE LAND, THE WORK.

WE'LL COMMUNE TOGETHER.

EXACTLY!

ALL RIGHT, BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.

WHO'S IN CHARGE?

NO ONE, THAT'S THE POINT. WE'RE ALL EQUAL.

RIGHT. GOOD CATCH. OK, GOOD.

DON'T YOU THINK LIKE, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED SOMEBODY TO BE IN CHARGE OF EQUALITY?

YOU KNOW, JUST TO MAKE SURE THINGS STAY EQUAL?

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. JUST A LITTLE EXTRA PAPERWORK,

NOT MUCH GLORY... BUT WHO?

HARRY?

YOU INTO IT?

ME? WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

IT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON YOUR RESUME.

YEAH.

THEN I'D BE THE GUY WHO'S IN CHARGE OF EQUALITY,

AND TEACHES MATH TO INNER-CITY SCHOOL CHILDREN.

HARRY, YOU DON'T TEACH MATH.

OK, SO I PADDED IT.

MARY, JUST CURIOUS...

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE AMERICA

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10?

OH, I'D GIVE IT A 10.

A 10?

WHY, WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE IT?

OH, IT WOULD BE UP THERE. A 7 OR 8.

7 OR 8?

WELL, IT'S NOT SET IN STONE. WOW ME.

OH, DICK, THERE ARE PLACES IN THIS WORLD

WHERE YOU WOULD GO TO JAIL, OR EVEN WORSE

FOR GIVING YOUR COUNTRY A 7 OR AN 8.

REALLY?

AMERICA GIVES YOU SO MANY FREEDOMS.

FINE, I'LL GIVE IT A HARD 8.

I'M SORRY, I GET A LITTLE PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS.

YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY CAME OVER ON THE MAYFLOWER.

THE MAYFLOWE?

OH, BOY.

THAT'S RIGHT. NETTIE ALBRIGHT

WAS ONE OF THE FIRST SETTLERS

TO COME TO AMERICA ON THE MAYFLOWER.

NINA, WAS YOUR FAMILY ON THE MAYFLOWER?

NO, WE CAME OVER ON A DIFFERENT BOAT,

BUT I'M SURE WE HOOKED UP WITH THE ALBRIGHTS

SOON AFTER WE ARRIVED.

OUR FAMILY IS A MORE RECENT ARRIVAL,

SO I--I GUESS WE'LL NEVER BE

AS AMERICAN AS YOU ARE, HUH?

OH, NO. YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

WE'RE A LAND OF IMMIGRANTS.

THE ALBRIGHTS FOUNDED AMERICA

SO THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO COME FROM NEAR AND FAR

COULD SHARE IN ITS FREEDOMS AND PROSPERITY.

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS TOO FAR?

OF COURSE NOT...

TOO MANY, MAYBE.

SO WE'RE THE SAME. 2 AMERICANS.

OH, I'VE NEVER FELT AS CLOSE TO YOU

AS I DO RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE AMERICANS

SLIP INTO THE COPY ROOM

AND DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM OUR PANTS?

OH!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT'S WITH THE NEW SHOES?

THEY'RE NOT NEW. I GOT 'EM 4 HOURS AGO.

HARRY.

THE EQUALITY LEADER HAS DECIDED

THAT THERE WILL BE NO COMPETITION IN DRESS.

IF ONE OF US GETS NEW SHOES,

WE ALL GET NEW SHOES.

I'M DOWN WITH THAT.

NICE JOB, EQUALITY LEADER.

AND YOUR SUNDAES ARE READY.

AND OOP.

HEY, TOMMY GOT MORE ICE CREAM THAN ME.

NOPE. EQUAL.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.

THE EQUALITY LEADER HAS RULED.

YEAH. 1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

UH...

I--I DIDN'T GET ANY WHIPPED CREAM.

THE EQUALITY LEADER HAS RULED.

EH, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH.

4 CHERRIES.

HOW'S HE GONNA DIVIDE THAT UP?

[SIGHS] THE LEADER HAS RULED.

I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

PLEASE RISE FOR THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE.

[ALL CHATTER]

YES, THE PLEDGE. UP, UP, UP!

AND NO FANCY ALTERNATE WORDING.

I WANT IT PERFORMED EXACTLY AS IT APPEARS

ON MY LAMINATED BOOKMARKER.

AND BEGIN.

WAIT. WHERE DO WE LOOK?

UH, PAIR OFF AND LOOK AT YOUR PARTNERS.

DON'T--DON'T WE HAVE TO LOOK AT A FLAG?

UH, YES, OF COURSE. UH, WHO HAS A FLAG?

NO ONE BROUGHT A FLAG TO CLASS?

CARYN HAS A FLAG ON HER PANTS.

OH, UH, GREAT. UH, CARYN,

PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PANTS

AND PASS THEM TO THE FRONT OF THE CLASS.

NO, DR. SOLOMON, I'M NOT GONNA REMOVE MY PANTS.

OH, I'M SORRY. YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT WOULD BE DEGRADING.

JUST GET UP ON THE DESK.

COME ON. UP, UP, UP...

AND UP!

AND, UH...

AND BEGIN.

All: I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG--

WHAT FLAG IS THAT?

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA--

COME ON, SELL IT, SELL IT!

AND TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS--

TO THE REPUBLIC FOR WHICH IT STANDS!

ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE--

INVISIBLE? WHO SAID INVISIBLE? LEON!

AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

WHAT KIND OF A PLEDGE IS THAT?

WHERE'S THE PASSION? WHERE'S THE ENTHUSIASM?

OH, NEVER MIND.

CARYN, GET OFF MY DESK!

HURRY UP. HARRY'S DAILY ADDRESS IS ABOUT TO START.

I DON'T LIKE THIS.

OH, I DO.

EVER SINCE I CAME TO THIS PLANET,

I'VE HAD TO OBSESS OVER WHAT TO WEAR,

AND HOW MUCH TO EAT, AND HOW TO FIX MY HAIR.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S ORDER AGAIN,

AND ALL MY DECISIONS ARE MADE FOR ME.

BUT WE'RE LOSING OUR INDIVIDUALITY.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT, NUMBER 1258?

CITIZENS OF AMERICA, I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE

THAT THINGS HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EQUAL.

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

ENOUGH! I HAVE INSTALLED INTERCOMS

THROUGHOUT THE APARTMENT

TO BETTER FACILITATE COMMUNICATION.

NO MATTER WHAT ROOM YOU ARE IN,

I WILL HEAR YOU...

OR YOU CAN COMMUNICATE WITH ME

ON ANY AND ALL ISSUES OF EQUALITY

YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP!

AND NO MORE SHOES!

WE WILL BURY THESE SHOES!

THAT IS ALL.

Dick: FAMILY MEETING! FAMILY MEETING!

OH, YOU ALL LOOK FETCHING.

YOU REALLY THINK SO?

I DON'T CARE.

TOMMY, WAS THE NAME OF THE SHIP THAT BROUGHT US HERE

CALLED THE MAYFLOWER?

NO, I THINK IT WAS CALLED THE Z-5000.

THE Z-5000 FLOWER?

UH, NO. JUST THE Z-5000.

OH, TOO BAD.

YOU KNOW, I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME WITH MARY TODAY.

IN THE PAST, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN

THIS HUMAN-ALIEN BARRIER,

BUT TODAY, WE WERE JUST 2 AMERICANS.

YOU'RE CANADIAN.

WHAT?!

YOUR PASSPORT HERE SAYS YOU'RE CANADIAN.

GUILTY.

NO! HOW COME I'M NOT AMERICAN?

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOK PRETTY SUSPICIOUS

IF ALL 4 MEMBERS OF OUR FAMILY

WERE FROM THE SAME COUNTRY.

I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT LOGIC.

BUT WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

HOW AM I GONNA TELL MARY

THAT SHE'S SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY?

MMM...

I DON'T THINK THIS IS 4 CHEESES.

I THINK THIS IS 5 CHEESES.

YOU KNOW WHO I'D REALLY LIKE

TO SIT DOWN AND SPEND SOME TIME WITH?

WHO? CANADIAN SONGSTRESS CELINE DION.

GOOD, DICK.

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID CANADIAN.

WHO KNEW? I DIDN'T...

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE

IN-YOUR-FACE CANADIANS.

SHE'S JUST A NORMAL PERSON LIKE YOU AND ME, ONLY...

CANADIAN.

GOOD FOR HER.

YOU KNOW, I--I THINK THE 2 OF YOU

WOULD BE GREAT FRIENDS.

I'M SURE WE WOULD.

OH, MARY, DO YOU MEAN IT?

NO, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER.

I DON'T LISTEN TO HER MUSIC.

SO, HER SHRILL, CANADIAN VOICE

SOUNDS TRAMP-LIKE TO YOU?

I DO NOT HAVE A STRONG OPINION

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

CARE FOR A CANADIAN LAGER?

OH, PUT THAT AWAY! WE'RE AT SCHOOL!

FINE, FINE.

MMM, MARY, THIS CANADIAN BACON IS GOOD STUFF.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER HAD CANADIAN BACON.

OH, MARY, YOU'VE BEEN HAVING IT FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS!

NEXT.

NEXT!

HELLO, CITIZEN.

HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

I NEED TOILET PAPER.

SORRY, TODAY WE ARE DISTRIBUTING POTATOES.

BUT I REALLY NEED TOILET PAPER.

WELL, WE'VE GOT SAND PAPER.

FINE. I'LL TAKE A POTATO.

TOMMY, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

I NEED TO BECOME AN AMERICAN.

WELL, I'M FINDING AMERICA

PRETTY OPPRESSIVE THESE DAYS.

I THINK YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE A CANADIAN.

OH, THERE'S ONLY ONE LUCKY CANADIAN,

AND HIS NAME IS PETER JENNINGS.

FINE. IF YOU WANT TO BE AN AMERICAN SO BADLY,

I'LL JUST PRINT YOU UP A FAKE PASSPORT.

DON'T YOU GET IT, MAN?

I'VE BEEN FAKE FOR TOO LONG.

FOR 5 YEARS, I'VE BEEN PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN WITH MARY,

BUT FOR ONE BRIEF, SHINING MOMENT, WE WERE BOTH REAL.

REAL AMERICANS. I WANT THAT BACK!

WELL, THEN, YOU'LL HAVE TO DO IT THE HARD WAY.

APPLY FOR CITIZENSHIP.

THE HARD WAY IS THE AMERICAN WAY.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I'M WEARING STANDARD ISSUE UNDERWEAR,

AND GUESS WHAT? IT RIDES.

UNTIL I GET MY AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP,

I'LL--I'LL JUST BE CAREFUL WHAT I TALK ABOOT AROUND MARY.

UH, UH...

ABOOT?

DID I SAY "ABOOT?" OH, I'M SORRY,

I'VE BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, EH?

EH? OOH!

SO, TOMMY...

I UNDERSTAND SOMEONE'S NOT TOO HAPPY

WITH HIS UNDERWEAR.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

I HAVE EYES AND EARS EVERYWHERE.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'M, UH...

HERE FOR MY CITIZENSHIP.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE HERE TO TAKE THE TEST?

A TEST? OH, NO, NO, NO.

NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

I THINK I'M EXEMPT.

I REGULARLY "DO" A WOMAN

WITH CLOSE TIES TO THE MAYFLOWER.

REALLY?

YES, THE MAYFLOWER, AND YES, "DO."

YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

UM, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THESE STUDY MATERIALS

AND JUST COME BACK WHEN YOU'RE READY?

NO, I--I'M READY NOW.

I--I'VE LIED ON MY TAX RETURNS,

I'VE BEEN ARRESTED, AND I DON'T VOTE. I'M A TRUE AMERICAN.

TEST ME. TEST ME NOW.

OK, QUESTION ONE...

"HOW IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ELECTED?"

UH, NO, I KNOW THIS.

HE OR SHE-- YEAH, RIGHT--

IS CHOSEN ON THE BASIS

OF HOW PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE,

AND THEIR DEFINITION OF ADULTERY.

AND IT DOESN'T HURT TO KNOW BARBRA STREISAND.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THIS PLACE?

A REVOLUTION.

TOMMY, DID YOU SEE WHO DID THIS?

IT WAS ME!

I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE

WHERE I CAN BE AN INDIVIDUAL.

WHERE I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF FREELY

AND PURSUE MY OWN HAPPINESS.

AND YOU'RE GONNA GIVE UP AMERICA FOR THAT?

DON'T YOU SEE? THIS ISN'T EQUALITY, THIS IS CONFORMITY.

THE GRAND DREAM IS DEAD.

SALLY...

I KNOW THAT YOU'VE GOT SOME HISTORY WITH THIS FELLOW.

WHAT, ME? NO.

THEN PROVE IT. TAKE HIM OUT.

FINE. GO AHEAD. STRIKE ME DOWN,

BUT THERE ARE MANY MORE LIKE ME

WHO WILL STAND UP TO YOU.

WHO WILL PICK UP THE BURNING TORCH OF FREEDOM

AND HOLD IT HIGH IN MY PLACE.

AND IT'S NOT A QUESTION

OF IF OR WHEN SOMEONE PICKS UP THAT TORCH.

IT'S A QUESTION OF WHO.

I WILL.

I WILL...

PICK UP THAT TORCH.

SALLY, ARE YOU WITH US?

I WILL...

KILL YOU BOTH IN YOUR SLEEP!

DICK, ARE YOU IN HERE?

YES. QUILTED IN DARKNESS, LIKE A TINY SNOW BEAVER

ON THE PLAINS OF SASKATCHEWAN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU, MARY.

OH, DICK, WHATEVER IT IS,

WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE,

YOU KNOW I'LL STAND BY YOU.

I'M A...

I'M A CANADIAN.

WHAT?!

A CANADIAN.

WHY WERE YOU AFRAID TO TELL ME THIS?

BECAUSE I WAS ASHAMED.

SOMEONE WITH YOUR LINEAGE WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY CONSORT

WITH SOMEONE WHOSE MONEY IS 65 CENTS TO YOUR DOLLAR ON A VERY GOOD DAY.

DO YOU HATE ME NOW, MARY?

NO, I STILL LOVE YOU.

YOU DO?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL A LITTLE BETTER.

THIS EXPLAINS ALMOST ALL OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.

I WANTED SO BADLY TO BE YOUR AMERICAN BOYFRIEND.

I EVEN TOOK THE CITIZENSHIP TEST,

BUT IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED THAN I THOUGHT.

DICK, WE AMERICANS HAVE A RICH AND STORIED HISTORY.

IT TAKES TIME AND PERSEVERANCE TO LEARN IT ALL.

YOU WOULD HAVE ACED THAT TEST.

YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN WHO ELECTS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE, DARLING,

IT'S THE PEOPLE.

NO, IT--IT'S THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE.

WAIT, WHAT, NO-- YES! THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE!

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT. OH, YES, I DID.

THEN TELL ME WHO BECOMES PRESIDENT

IF THE PRESIDENT AND VICE PRESIDENT BOTH DIE.

SECRETARY OF STATE.

WRONG! SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE!

SWING AND A MISS! STRIKE 2, YANKEE!

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME ON TRIAL?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL

TRYING TO PROVE THAT I'M WORTHY TO BE HERE,

WHILE YOU, A GREAT AMERICAN,

A DESCENDENT OF BOAT PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW JUST AS LITTLE ABOUT AMERICA AS I DO.

I KNOW PLENTY.

NO, YOU DON'T. NEITHER DO I.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS COUNTRY. ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

I LOVE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN IDIOT.

GO TO HELL, YOU BIG, DUMB CANUCK!

NO!

YOU KNOW, AMERICA IS SUCH AN ENIGMA.

IF YOU'RE NOT BORN HERE,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A TEST TO LIVE HERE,

BUT MOST OF THE PEOPLE WHO WERE BORN HERE

WOULD FAIL THAT TEST AS MISERABLY AS I DID.

SO THEN, MAYBE TO BE TRULY AMERICAN,

IS TO BE IGNORANT OF AMERICA

AND TO TAKE IT FOR GRANTED AT EVERY JUNCTURE.

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

THE GREATEST AMERICANS IN THIS COUNTRY

ARE SITTING ON THIS ROOFTOP.

AIN'T YOU PROUD, HARRY?

* AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE *

* THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR *