Original subtitles

79, 80, 80-jump, 82,

83, 84, 85, 86...

Come on, Harper!

Come on, Yale.

J Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care

j my master's gone away j&

Jeff: Take that, my good man.

Oh, you are fast, Muhammad Ali.

You're fast, all right.

Ooh!

Rabbit punch!

Jesus, ref, are you blind?

You're a credit to your race.

Male newsreader: Damage estimated in the millions.

It's the third such outbreak in this area this month,

and reflects the unrest that has plagued the area

since early last year, when similar conflagrations

arose all across the country.

- Morning, troops. - Many attribute the action to...

- Hello, sweetheart. - A predictable seasonal unemployment.

- Hey, Burton. - The governor pointed out that,

should another such incident occur,

he would be compelled to ask

for special federal riot troops,

an action that no-one wants, least of all the white house,

which has been hopeful that such disturbances were over,

at least for the time being.

That's got to be the smallest screen in the world.

They look like ants.

They're getting very dangerous.

A screen that size ought to only have 15-minute shows.

Get it? Small screen, small shows.

You said that yesterday.

You didn't get it yesterday, either.

It wasn't funny yesterday, any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.

Critics everywhere.

Aren't you concerned with the civil rights issue?

Yeah, sure.

Most people are just crazy. They think that, at any moment,

a negro's gonna hit 'em over the head with a watermelon,

and steal their high school ring.

I think white people have to show greater interest and understanding.

- How else... - Look, althea...

Your bus'll be coming by soon.

I like to give 'em a head start. Makes a contest out of it.

It is now post time!

Thank you, my dear.

Off to another smash week in the insurance game.

I want you to know that I feel

I'm leading a boring life.

I am so advised.

You were so advised yesterday.

It wasn't funny yesterday, either.

- Don't kiss me. - I wasn't gonna kiss you.

It's just that my shorts are too tight, that's all.

Mommy, can we watch daddy run out the door?

- No, you may not. - Oh, boy.

There goes your stupid bus.

Doesn't stand a chance.

Passenger: There he is!

The son of a bitch!

Step on it, you got him by fifty yards!

Sorry, folks, I got to make a stop at this corner.

Passenger ♪2: Have your exact change ready, folks.

Come on!

Passenger: Hurry up! Hurry up!

Passenger: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Passengers: Oh, shit!

Winner, and still undefeated, folks!

Pay some respectful homage, please.

Some applause, please?

Shows you have good taste, lady.

Fare, please.

Jeff: Arrogant, arrogant. They're all arrogant!

In the good old days, back in the old south,

you'd have to drive from back here!

- Get it? Back of the bus? - Why don't you take

all the money you save racing this bus, and race a cab?

Jeff: That is very funny.

Hey, driver, you hear that?

I'm only good for

short distances.

Hundred yards, maybe.

But over a long haul,

they just don't have it in 'em.

J camptown race track five miles long

j doo-dah

j camptown race track five miles long... &

Jeff: See you tomorrow, fans! Same time, same station.

Yeah, not such a big shot when it rains, are ya?

When it rains, you ride.

Come on, Joe.

Hey, Joe, come on, come on, come on!

Mornin', mr gerber.

Ah, mornin', Joe. How goes it?

Oh, okay.

Any rioting in the neighbourhood last night?

Er... I don't see any broken windows.

What's the matter? This place ain't good enough to... to loot?

Oh, mr gerber!

The usual, mr gerber?

Oh, yes! Ah, but make mine a double.

I'm feeling a bit under par this morning, hmm?

One double polynesian health juice comin' up!

Hey, er... no offence about that, er... That looting remark, you know?

Oh, no, mr gerber.

I know you don't go for that sort of thing.

No, okay.

And, of course, if you did,

it would be very hard for the police to identify you.

I mean, an hour later,

all you cats look alike!

All us guys look Ali... Oh, mr gerber!

Here's to your health!

Oh, 'scuse me, mr gerber.

Hello? No, goodbye!

Hey, Joe,

there's an extra nickel in there for you.

- Oh, thank you, mr gerber. - Tip.

- Thank you, mr gerber. - Forget it.

Okay, buddy, this is a hijack.

Take this elevator to Harlem.

Hey, how'd you do on the poker game, Andy?

Er, er... okay. Fine.

Hey, er... When are you and dotty

comin' over to the house to try out my new barbecue?

Oh, er... soon, soon. R... real soon.

Five Saturdays in a row I asked you.

I'm beginnin' to think y'all don't like us.

Don't be silly, it's... It's just that, er...

Okay. Then we'll expect you next Saturday at five o'clock,

and no more excuses about the children being sick.

Andy: Well, actually, er... Dotty hasn't been feeling well.

Get her cured by the weekend.

Sluts, sluts, all of you, sluts!

Next thing you know, you'll be smoking cigarettes.

Hello, there, Erica,

you gorgeous hunk of Sweden.

Erica: Norvay.

Norvay, sveden, what difference does it make,

as long as you're a blonde?

Are you?

Just curious. I mean, how many girls

are really blonde all the way?

Collars and cuffs?

Excuse me, mr gerber,

but I must get back to my desk.

A dollar if you walk fast and stop short.

Two dollars if you trot. Five dollars if you run.

And ten dollars if you're really a blonde.

Gerber! In here.

Yassuh, mr townsend.

And fifty dollars if you're a fella!

Ah, the top of the morning to you, mr townsend,

and how are ya?

Gerber, sit down and stop being so damn happy.

- It's depressing. - Yes, sir.

Gerber, I am not going to mince words.

You have turned in a very disappointing month.

Well, I must say I agree with you.

But, considering the time of year...

Look, I'm just pointing out it's a sub-productive month.

- I'm not asking why. - It's income tax time.

And, though people die, they seldom buy.

Gerber, look, I may as well come right out and say this.

It's time somebody told you...

I've got bad breath. Bad breath.

You got something much worse than that.

Offensive perspiration? Midriff bulge? Er...

Dingy dentures? Asiatic crud!

There! That's exactly that kind of a remark.

You, gerber, are a smartass.

A number one, king-size smartass!

I'm the best salesman in this office.

You were.

But your rate of new policies is dropping.

Here, I've been going about

particularly trying to sell policies

only to younger men

who can live longer, and pay premiums longer,

and you don't appreciate it.

Anybody can sell a policy to a 90-year-old man

with a cough and the shingles.

Listen to me, gerber, your customers curl up their toes

at the same rate as all of our other customers.

Yeah, well, of course, if 23 of my customers

go down in a sailing boat accident,

that's bound to raise the mortality rate!

What sailing boat?

- Er... in the squall. - What squall?

Oh, no, no, it was the train. The train.

Thirty-three of them went right off the trestle.

- What train? - Er...

W-would you believe a-a tidal wave in Kansas City?

A-a-a volcano in poughkeepsie?

Er... mass suicides in fire island.

- Gerber! - Okay, Mr...

Mr townsend,

about your breath...

Hey, look, make it easier on yourself.

Home, office? Your house.

Okay, then. Tuesday?

Five-thirty. Very good.

Good show. See you then, John.

Six outta six. The kid does tricks.

Clark dunwoodie, please.

Oh, hi. Hey, Clark.

Jeff gerber, superior standard life.

Hey, how about that lunch I've been promising you, huh?

Good show.

Anytime you say.

Male newsreader: Local black leaders doing their utmost

to keep their pledge to the mayor.

The police are ready if violence suddenly erupts...

What are you trying to prove with all that running?

Don't bug me, althea, I had a traumatic day.

Thirteen appointments out of fifteen calls.

Is that all you watch?

Race riots? What are you, perverse?

- It's an important problem. - Newsreader: It was announced that,

should a request be made for federal intervention,

army units would be immediately made available...

I was watching!

I'm gonna have my dinner

without watching a bunch of uppity darkies

jigging up and down on my TV screen.

Why are you so hateful?

I'm not hateful, and don't start telling me

I have a personality problem.

I said no such thing.

I merely tried to point out that there is an issue

in this country today that has to do with

the equal rights of man.

What kind of dinner is this, huh?

Eskimos chew on blubber.

There's your old persecution complex.

Whenever you're hurt, attack.

Well, that's what this is all about.

Althea: I don't want you staying up too late, Burton.

You should've done that this afternoon.

Go to sleep, dear.

Maybe tomorrow morning I'll let you watch

your father run out of the house.

Burton: Why can't he walk like everybody else?

Perhaps he's afraid somebody will catch him.

Kids at school laugh at him.

They call me "son of speedy".

Why does daddy race buses, mommy?

Nobody seems to know, dear.

Is it like some people save stamps?

Althea: Yes, exactly.

Some people save stamps, some make model airplanes,

some drink, some smoke pot.

Well, your father races buses.

If he smoked pot, he'd get there faster.

Good night, children.

Jeff: Our house is worth $37,000 on the open market.

Althea: Mmm, that's nice.

Jeff: That's 17 per cent more than we paid for it.

- Althea: Mmm, you need a haircut. Jeff: Oh.

Are we gonna get ready for bed early tonight? It's Wednesday.

- Jeff: Wednesday? Althea: Mm-hmm.

Jeff: It's Monday.

- Althea: Let's pretend it's Wednesday. - Jeff:

Althea: Forget it.

I'm going to bed.

You'll know where to find me.

Yes.

How come you're not watching the riots?

Haven't started yet.

What's the movie?

I don't know.

What's the commercial?

I don't know.

Keep yourself pretty well-informed, don't you?

I think we have to face up to something.

- Oh, look. Don't start. - You can't stand the sight of me.

I can so. You can't stand to touch me.

Wrong again.

There's no passion in our life.

There's plenty of passion in our life.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

Huh?

- Look, sweetie, I've had a hard day. - I know you're tired, but...

At least let me wake up on your side of the bed

like we used to, Thursday mornings.

As soon as Janice was born, we stopped going to bed.

Now, that's an exaggeration.

We can't afford more than two children.

Unless we have six at one time.

That way, everything's free.

And we can give them all away, except the spotted one.

We can make love without having children, you know.

There are methods, there are devices.

They're not foolproof.

They are if you use them all at the same time.

I'm not making love to any heavy tank.

I've still got some good years left, Jeff.

Oh, Jesus.

I take something,

and I wear something,

and I keep count, and if you...

_jeffl

Jeff.

Man on TV: We were so right to come here, dearest.

To get away.

Woman: Yes, Ralph, I know.

It's lovely.

Ralph: Being with you, Sylvia.

Sylvia: Being with you, Ralph.

Newsreader: It marks the first time

federalised troops have been used in this city.

Black leaders have warned that should such a situation...

How... now...

Brown... cow.

It's a nightmare.

That's what it is, old buddy. A nightmare.

Must be something you ate.

That's right, something you ate.

Put up your hands!

Give me your high school ring!

A nightmare.

Or too much sun lamp.

Boy, what a great sun lamp.

Althea.

I'm having a nightmare about my sun lamp.

So don't wake up,

and try and talk me out of it.

It's just a little nightmare

about a great sun lamp.

I'm going back to bed now,

and I know that when I wake up again in the morning,

my skin'll be lovely and white.

So just stay asleep, althea.

Because as long as you're asleep,

it's a nightmare.

But if you wake up,

and begin screaming,

it won't be a nightmare anymore.

And I don't want that to happen.

So just stay asleep, althea.

As long as you're asleep, it's a nightmare.

And all night long, it'll be a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.

It's not a nightmare!

Sure is an even tan.

What a great sun lamp!

What a great nightmare about a great sun lamp.

That's an old wives' tale.

Daddy?

Mommy says I can watch you run out of the house today.

- Dad, you in the shower? - Jeff: Yes!

I'm having a nightmare.

Can we watch you run out of the house?

Er... no, sweetheart, I... I won't be going to work today.

I'm not feeling well.

But mommy said!

Dad, whole house is getting steamed up.

So's your old man.

Listen, Burton? Yeah?

Tell your mother to get you both off to school,

and then come in here.

You mean you won't be racing the bus today?

Don't ever bring up the race issue again.

Jeff: Oh, lord, I've never been a religious man.

I won't try to kid you about that.

I don't go to church, and I only pray

when I'm feeling scared or rotten.

I meant to pray last night.

Perhaps you're angry because I didn't.

Anyway, lord, I'm in trouble now,

which is why I'm trying to make contact.

Please, lord, make it all be a terrific nightmare,

and will you see a nice person come out of this shower?

I want you to know that I am a true believer.

There are no atheists in this shower.

I'm prayin' now, lord. Do you hear me?

If you hear me, don't say or do anything.

Good. Okay, lord,

I'm comin' out now,

and I wouldn't care if I gained 20 pounds,

as long as I'm white.

Here I come, lord.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, there's a negro in your shower!

Jeff: It is not a negro!

Althea: Yes, yes, yes, it is, it is.

I saw him. Call the police, he'll kill us.

Jeff: I am not a negro. I'm me.

Althea: If this is another one of your jokes...

Jeff: Now look, althea,

I'm coming out of the shower again

and I want no screaming, you hear?

Now, there's a logical answer to this,

but we'll never find out

if I dry up into a prune in this shower.

Now, I'm coming out again, you hear? Okay?

Yes. Okay.

Jeff: Now, hand me a towel.

All right. Here I come,

ready or not.

Open your eyes, althea, I need a friendly opinion.

Did you have to give me a white towel, you simp?

Boy, you sure have a warped sense of humour, baby.

Oh, my god! Oh, my good god!

Oh, shut up! There is no god.

He don't give a damn.

You... you look like a negro.

I know what I look like. Shut up!

I mean a dark one. I mean...

I mean, if I didn't know you...

Will you shut up, althea?

Oh, oh, should I hide the money?

Oh, you are hilarious.

How do you know you're you?

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.

Of course I know it's me.

I can tell from my bridge work. Look. See? Huh? Huh?

Your teeth are very white.

That's the contrast.

And your hair.

My hair's always been naturally curly.

Wh... what about your birthmarks?

I can't find them anymore.

Maybe I've been overdoing the sun lamp a bit.

A bit! If you spent as much time in bed

as you do under that sun lamp,

maybe we would have more children.

This is no time to discuss additional children.

No, I should say not. What would the neighbours think?

A lot of half-coloured kids running around!

- I am not coloured! - Well, that's your story.

When's the last time you looked in the mirror?

It's the sun lamp, isn't it?

Because you wouldn't be teasing me like that

if it wasn't the sun lamp,

'cause you're not a cruel person.

- Don't you touch Mel! - Oh, boy, you are a treat.

You're something to have around in an emergency.

You know... you know, it's very strange.

My mother always thought you were a little on the dark side.

I mean, she never came right out and asked me.

Your mother is in no position to judge other people's races.

The way her eyes slant up, my mother always thought she was Chinese.

- Silliest thing I ever heard. - Oh, yeah?

Well, then, how come her feet are so small?

And how come, whenever you asked her when she was born,

she always says "the year of the dragon"?

And how come she was always so anxious to...

To wash my shirts?

Does that sound like a white woman to you, huh?

My mother has almond-shaped eyes.

So has mao tse-tung. And she eats too damn much rice.

If you ask me, she's a member of the red guard.

All right, Jeff, all right,

but it isn't a Chinese issue we are discussing.

We're discussing a negro issue.

- It's a sun lamp issue! - Well, that may very well be,

but you certainly can't go to the office like that.

Oh, my god, what time is it?

Gladys is in the office now.

That is the first thing. I gotta report in sick.

You can't tell her that you woke up sunburned.

Sometime, althea, sometime...

Look, I won't be coming in today.

Well, I'm, er... Feeling a bit off colour.

Anyway, um... Gladys,

er... look, just cancel all my appointments for the day, okay?

Tell 'em [I'll call 'em tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Thank you.

The trick is to be logical and rational.

I got a warranty around here for that sun lamp.

Let's see, logical and rational, yeah.

You really think it's the sun lamp, don't you?

Oh, you'd like me to be coloured, wouldn't you?

Well, not really. But it would serve you right

with that attitude of white supremacy.

Well, 1 didn't see you exactly runnin' over to hug and kiss me

when you thought I was a negro.

I was upset because I thought you were a stranger.

Oh, beans! If it was a white stranger

came out of that shower, you'da humped him.

Ah, here it is.

They're a reputable company.

I'm sure this has happened before.

Althea: Yeah, all over Africa.

Oh, just keep it up, baby. Just keep it up.

Hello, I'd like to speak to somebody with regard to

your sun lamp model lt34x.

Oh, it's working, all right.

A little bit too well. Ah, thank you.

They're switching me to the manager.

Hello, my name is gerber.

I've got one of your model lt34x sun lamps.

Er... serial number 36677231.

Ah, yeah. Well, the problem is...

That's an old wives' tale. Excuse me.

Er... the problem is, er... It's made me rather dark.

Whew!

Well, a little darker than was necessary.

Ah, yes, once in the morning, and, er... once at night.

Yes, I... l use a lotion.

Well, it's kind of my own concoction.

Baby oil, cocoa butter, iodine, and soy sauce.

About one third soy sauce.

Well, of course you never heard of it.

It's my own formula.

Look, you don't seem to understand.

It's left me very tan.

Yes, very.

Dark.

Very dark.

Yes, very.

You stupid...!

No, it's not a joke.

I am not sid percival pulling your leg.

42, tangerine Lane, and I'm a dissatisfied customer.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Can you beat that?

They want to send me a new sun lamp.

Althea: That's very sporting of them.

What the hell am I going to do with a new sun lamp?

Well, maybe you could mate them.

You're just having a dandy time, boy.

Oh, relax, Jeff.

Althea,

you wouldn't hug me unless you really thought I was white, right?

Oh, poor baby, don't worry.

You'll be white again.

Hey, wait a minute. “What is it?

There are things that we can do.

I mean, what do they do when they want to look white?

They must use salves and creams.

And hair straighteners.

I don't want my hair straightened,

I want my skin straightened!

What the hell else are we talkin' about?

Where are you going?

To one of their drugstores. Call me a cab.

Your cab's here.

What are you doing?

The door's not open on the cab.

Go on out there and open the door on the cab.

Go on!

Take me to the coloured section.

Nice neighbourhood. What do you do there?

Mow the lawn?

What do they pay you?

I get to sleep with the lady of the house.

Would you put your hands down?

All I want is a pair of sunglasses. Now, look,

I got a skin problem.

What's this, and this? Get me a paper bag.

No, better yet, get me a box, a box, big box.

There you go. All right, let's see now.

Uh-huh, white, yeah.

Okay, give me some of these. Yeah. Pearl sheen.

Uh-huh, all right. Now, let's see, now.

Ah, try some of this white folk stuff here.

Now, let's see here, that's good.

"Beautiful bleach." That probably is great.

"Miracle wash."

Hair straightener. That'll help.

More processing stuff, there.

All right.

You remember, if anybody asks you if you ever saw me in here,

you never laid eyes on me. Okay?

Mum's the word.

Any change?

No.

But I don't imagine it would be immediate.

I mean, I don't think any intelligent negro

expects it to be immediate. Don't be so militant.

It's different. I'm not militant, I'm white.

I expect it to be immediate.

We've rubbed in four different brands.

Don't you think we ought to stop?

Well, come on, put on some more hair straightener. Come on. Here.

Jeff, I... I don't want you to get all excited, but...

I do think you're a little lighter.

It's hard to tell through the cream, but...

Yeah, I think you're right.

Around the neck here, right?

Especially around the neck.

- Uh-huh, and around the chin? - Yes, the chin, too.

And around the nose, mmm? Yes.

You're lying to me, althea!

Don't lie to me, althea. Just don't lie to me.

Oh, this is crazy. I don't want to be this colour.

What are you doing up there?

Calm down.

Oh, I'll yell all I want. He can't hear me.

He's the white man's god.

Jeff, you are not a negro.

Oh, my goodness, I'm getting darker. I can see it.

Come on. Get all this crap off me.

Come on, quick. Oh, my god, I need more.

Oh, come on, I'm getting darker.

Jeff, calm down.

I can't take a... I can't take a shower,

'cause if I take a shower, my body'll shrink,

and the skin I have won't fit. Aaah!

Will you calm down? The children will be coming home from school soon,

and I don't want you getting them upset.

Upset? Wait until they find out they have a coloured daddy.

Huh? Wait till I get down my knee and I sing "mammy".

You're gonna talk yourself into it, Jeff.

Oh, my goodness, th-th-these creams don't work.

No wonder negroes riot.

I mean, these are worthless hoaxes.

Jeff: Hi.

Hi.

I'm your father.

Sure. Hi, dad.

Janice: Hi, dad.

Um...

Don't you have anything you want to say to me?

Your face is dirty.

That's a nice thing to say to your father.

Sure is a heck of a tan you got, dad.

You look like a coloured man.

That's very good. Thank you, Burton.

We could use you at the un.

Come on, kids. I'll get your dinner ready.

Burton: What are we having?

Oh, black-eyed peas, hominy grits, corn bread, ham hocks.

Burton: What's with him?

Didn't get to race his bus this morning. He's a little upset.

Why are you doing that, daddy?

Doing what, sweetheart?

- Racing buses. - Althea: Come on, Janice.

You don't want your ham hocks to get cold.

In here, or in the dining room?

What is it?

I gotta see.

Maybe it's the lighting in here.

Maybe in the daylight, I'll look less coloured.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Where to?

In our backyard.

How brave of you.

Well, you're certainly getting whiter whites these days.

Aren't you, mrs Johnson?

Mrs Johnson: Oh, yes, I'm using a new detergent.

Well, I wish you'd tell my wife the brand,

because we have a few things around our house

that really need whitening.

Jeff, are you all right?

Yeah.

You're hardly breathing.

I don't want to ruin it.

You look like a birthday cake.

Well, it's getting very late.

Can't you at least lie down in bed?

Jeff: No, I'm afraid I'll roll over and destroy the mould.

Althea: Oh, all right.

Althea? Yes?

My last words:

"Pray for me."

Jeff? Jeff, are you asleep?

My god, you've set!

Jeff, Jeff, are you breathing?

How to do this?

I'll try not to hurt you.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry about that.

Jeff, can you speak? How do you feel?

- Can you speak? - Like a broken leg.

Oh, thank god you're all right.

My god, it's going to strangle me.

I'll have you out in a jiffy.

Be careful with that chisel.

Careful with that chisel, I've got enough dimples.

I think I'm getting the hang of it now.

What colour am 1?

Er... well, er...

Er... I'll have to open the blinds.

Wait a moment, do it gradually.

Remove a little around the ears.

All righty.

What colour am 1?

Er... did you drink any more milk?

Yeah, I had another quart,

and then my hand was paralysed.

Oh, poor thing. You know, if we'd only known,

I could've rigged you up a tube or something.

What colour am I, althea?

Well, er... let's see.

Tell me the truth, but tell me I'm white, althea.

You're white.

Oh, god.

Dark white.

What?

Well, I'm sure you're white,

but you're a little on the dark side.

Wait a moment. Get me to a mirror!

I'm black! I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm black!

I'm a nigger!

I'm a nigger!

Jeff, you'll have a stroke!

I don't want a stroke. I want appendicitis.

I want to throw myself under a bridge, out of a window.

Althea, I want my whiteness back!

On!

Where's that schmucky white knight on that schmucky white horse?

Stick me! Stick me! Turn me white. Rinso-white!

- Rinso-white! - Jeff, the neighbours!

The neighbours, the neighbours, the neighbours!

The neighbours'll crap when they see me!

There goes the neighbourhood! There it goes, boys!

Jeff, stop that!

I'm black!

Oh, milk.

Oh, cleanse me, o great milk.

Ah!

Oh, clean me, great milk.

Make me free again.

You're white. You're a nut, but you're white.

I want all the mirrors removed from this house, woman.

That's a direct order from your husband, othello.

Oh, you stupid little boy!

Is this the way you face a problem?

- What? - Shut up!

You've abused your skin.

You've dyed your skin.

Yes, yes, I... I did. Wasn't that silly of me?

It was stupid.

Yes, stupid. Insane.

Insane.

- Crazy. - Crazy.

- Idiotic. - Shut up!

Well, I gotta get back to work.

You might as well forget this day, and...

So just relax. The kids are off to school.

Come on down, I'll make you some breakfast.

I am not sure this emotionalising isn't retarding your skin

from returning to its normal colour.

You're making great sense, althea. I don't know, maybe...

Maybe we needed this little emergency to, er...

Make us realise how much we...

Need and love each other.

I sure hate to think every married couple

has to get all shook up like this

just to see how much they're in love!

No riots yesterday. Maybe that's a good omen.

Jeff, the ku klux klan never rings the bell.

Ah, gerber? Yes.

Couple packages here. I want you sign right here.

We didn't order anything.

Sun lamp!

Now, just put it there, right on here.

Jeff, stop it!

Jeff!

Jeff!

- Wait a minute! - Jeff! Jeff, stop!

Get me out of here!

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff!

I don't think I know you!

Althea: Jeff, back! I said, back.

Jeff! Jeff!

Althea: Back! Back, I said! Back!

Back! Back! Back, Jeff, back!

Back, back, I said! Back!

Way back. Just get back.

Althea: Back, back, back.

Back, back, back. I said, Jeff, back down.

Jesus! Talk about black power.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

That's all right. Never mind.

I must have the wrong address. Put it on my head.

- Why? - Huh? Why?

That guy needs a sun lamp like Fred Astaire needs dancing lessons.

Look, just close the door behind me, that's all. Let me go.

I heard. I heard him.

- Althea: So, you heard. - He thinks I'm coloured.

So what? You thought you were coloured

until you learned the fact you thought you were coloured, right?

So?

So why shouldn't he think you're coloured?

You're right again, althea.

I tell you, you're a growing source of strength to me.

- You could've killed that man. - I suppose so.

The negroes in this city have enough trouble

without your killing a white man.

And what is that supposed to mean?

What's wrong with dad, mom?

Too much sun lamp.

Jeff: "Ooga, booga, doo.

"I'm getting whiter and whiter.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo." Me, friend.

Not funny.

You got enough milk?

Yeah.

You think you're getting any whiter?

No, but my skin is getting lovely and soft.

You know, you've been in there three hours.

You're going to marinate.

Isn't it cold?

Yeah, a little.

Want me to warm it up a little?

You know I hate warm milk.

Have you decided whether or not you're going to work tomorrow?

I'm going to work.

I promised the kids they could watch you run out of the house.

Did you promise them they could stay up

and watch the cross burn on our front lawn?

Well, is there anything I can get you?

A box of Graham crackers, or some bosco?

I don't need companionship.

I've got my book.

Yes, I know. Voodoo without killing chickens.

They tell me at the library it's number one in Haiti.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

Althea: "Ooga, booga, dooga, doo."

Bon voyage.

"Ooga, booga, dooga, doo.

"Ooga, dooga, booga, do."

The bus! The bus is coming! Yay!

Both children: Yay!

Passenger: There he is! Back in action!

Passenger ♪2: Let's go, man. Let's go. Let's go.

Passenger ♪3: Is that him?

What happened to him?

Passenger ♪4: Of course it's him.

Has to be him.

Passenger ♪4: What happened to him?

Son of a bitch! Look, somebody might've killed him by now.

It's him!

Passenger: He's catching up! He's catching up!

Passengers: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Police!

Stop! Thief!

Where are you running, seabiscuit?

My bus!

Sure. What's in the case?

Shoes.

Whose?

Mine.

Woman ♪1: Neighbourhood isn't safe anymore.

Jeff: I didn't do anything!

Woman ♪1: Neighbourhood isn't safe anymore.

Woman ♪2: It's terrible. Just terrible.

Break it up.

Jeff: Shoes. I told you.

Try 'em on, cinderella.

What?

Well, they're yours, all right.

I told youl!

Somebody got a complaint against this man?

Somebody see him steal anything?

Speak up!

Man: Well, I didn't see him, but he must have.

What is it, officer? What did this man do?

Woman ♪1: Oh, they stick together, they do.

- Policeman: What did he do? - Woman ♪1: He stole something.

Jeff: What did I steal? Who saw me steal something?

Policeman: Anybody see this man steal anything?

Jeff: A purse, a wallet?

How about a brand-new colour TV set?

You know this man?

This man's a regular passenger on my bus.

He was runnin' for the bus.

Since when is there a law against runnin' for the bus?

All right, break it up, folks.

Break it up. Shoo! Shoo!

Come on.

Hey, er... What happened to you, man?

How come I never noticed you were coloured before?

Because I was never coloured before!

Oh, it happened just like that, huh?

Just like that.

Well, when you get back on the bus,

just sit down and cool it. They don't love you, you know?

Nobody loves me! Big deal.

Well, just don't make any trouble.

Jeff: Listen, I am not coloured!

I know. I'm Spanish, myself.

J sometimes I feel like a motherless child! J

hasta ja vista.

Hey!

Health drink. Double.

And don't be a wise guy.

Hey,

don't I know you from somewhere?

I'm mr gerber. Jeff gerber.

Well, I ain't gunga din.

I never noticed.

Look, come on, hurry up with my health drink.

I'm late as it is now.

Slow your roll, man.

I told the owner the lights in here wasn't no good.

Hey, Jeff.

You certainly set a good example.

A good job like you got.

What's draggin' you, brother?

I'm wondering what's, er... In this health drink?

Oh, that? Orange juice,

papaya's juice,

lime juice,

and soy sauce.

Soy sauce!

What the hell are you puttin' in soy sauce for?

Well, we was all out of worcestershire sauce.

- What? - Cool it, Jeff.

That's why they don't want us in these places now.

Us?

I'll sue the entire naacp.

Look at my skin!

I don't have to look at your skin.

I can look at my own.

Here, now, what's goin' on?

I'm gonna have this entire place shut down as a homosexual hangout.

Who is that gentleman?

Soy sauce!

Oh, now look, mr soy sauce, I don't want any trouble.

I've always gotten along well with members of your race.

Ask Joe here.

I'm not negro. I'm Spanish. Soy sauce!

Not one word.

Not one word.

"Us!"

Can I help you?

No-one can help me.

Whom is it you wish to see about what?

I'd like to see Abe Lincoln about this equality bullshit!

Mr gerber!

Well, it ain't soy sauce.

What happened to you?

I'm pledging for a fraternity.

- Mr gerber! - Never heard of him.

But, mr gerber...

Get out of my way, Erica,

unless you want to feel the wrath of my switchblade.

I would like to feel the wrath of your switchblade.

Morning, Gladys.

Mr gerber, what happened?

Is there anything I can do?

Hide your high school ring.

Mr townsend said for you to see him as soon as you come in.

All right.

- All right? - All right.

Yes?

Miss Regan: Mr townsend is waiting.

Yes.

Okay.

Jeff: I'm coloured, mr townsend. I'm a negro.

Gerber, what the hell have you been doing?

Sitting under a sun lamp?

Oh, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, sir.

Did you get that tan in just the two days you were out?

Yes, yes, I did. The secret is soy sauce.

Lots and lots of soy sauce.

Don't you think you overdid it a bit?

Yes, yes, I do. I... I really do.

It was a frightening experience.

Yeah, I should think so.

Now, look, there's no need to come apart at the seams.

It'll fade and you'll be fine.

You still have got to pick up your sales.

Until I spoke to you, mr townsend, I must confess,

I was pretty shook up.

All right, now go on back to your desk, and don't let me down.

All right, sir. God bless you, sir.

There still is a god, you know, sir.

Miss Regan...

Yes, mr townsend?

Would you get my optometrist on the phone?

These tinted contact lenses he gave me,

I think they're a bit on the dark side.

Hello, palefaces. Come on, girls.

Get back to work or you'll be back on the streets

working for real money.

What's the matter, fella?

Ain't you never seen an aztec before?

What the hell have you done to yourself, Jeff?

How do you like my golden glow, Andy?

Don't I look like a friggin' bronze god?

That's not what they're sayin'.

I have it on no less an authority

than dj townsend that I have a glorious tan.

I... I gotta tell you, Jeff. If I didn't know you, I'd have to say...

Look, Andy, if you have inherent racial prejudice, that's your hang-up.

I personally think I have a beautiful colour.

Gladys, bring in my appointment book, please, dear.

J there'll be pennies from heaven

j for you and me j

Clark dunwoodie, please.

Hello, Clark?

Jeff gerber. Well, I hopped down the islands for a couple days.

Get that old tan in shape, you know?

How's about today? Lunch? Well, you name it.

Okay, your club, twelve-thirty. See you then.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm lunching with Clark dunwoodie. - Not in here, you're not.

Hey, come on! You're kidding!

You know me! Jeff gerber!

Mr dunwoodie's expecting me.

Come on, fella, I got my orders.

Now, this club has got rules.

Fun is fun, but don't make me angry.

- You better let me pass. - What's your name, sir?

Er... Jeff gerber. I'm having lunch with, er... Clark dunwoodie.

Oh, yes, mr gerber.

Er... mr dunwoodie wanted me to give you his apologies.

He had to go back to the office.

Er... some kind of an emergency board meeting,

and he's going to call you later this afternoon and explain it.

Don't pull that crap on me!

Well, I'm very sorry for the inconvenience.

Now, move along, please.

- Hey, look, there must be some mistake. - Come on. I said "move along".

Hey, hey, hey, look, I ask you, is this America?

- Is this America? - Yeah, man!

J no, this ain't America

j you can't fool me j

hey, look, why don't you let him go in there?

I belong in there!

Van peebles: J if you don't fit the right image

j they just pull out their ddt

j if they just don't like the way you look

j they just law and order and pricks!

J they're prickin' me! I

come in.

Excuse me, mr townsend? Yes.

This man says he works for you.

Good grief!

Gerber, is that you?

Er...

Yes, officer, he... He works for me.

Very well. I'll leave him in your charge.

He stole something. We don't know what it is yet.

Jeff: Brutality, brutality.

You can leave him with me, officer.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Gerber, w... what happened?

- If I didn't know you myself, I'd sw... - I'm black. I've become black.

You ask anyone on the street,

they'll say, "that man, he's black.

- "Mm-hmm, sure, he's black." - Now, get ahold of yourself.

Yowser. I'm gonna get ahold of myself.

Yowser, boss.

You know, this could work to both our advantages.

Boss have heap big sense of humour.

Stop that foolish vaudeville routine, and listen to me a minute.

Look, I don't care what colour you are.

You're an intelligent, educated man,

and, damn it, gerber, there is a whole market out there

that has never even been approached by our company

because we have never had a negro salesman.

Why, you can make yourself a fortune.

That negro insurance market is virtually untapped.

Look, I tell you what you do. You run back to your office...

I can't run anywhere.

They'll arrest me before I get halfway down the hall.

Go back to your office and wait there for me,

I'll bring you the statistics. They're shocking.

I'll just shuffle along.

Er... give me 15 minutes.

Oh, you don't have to hurry yourself

over little old, po' little me, mr townsend.

Make a list of all those articles that have been stolen.

And any of you who have been raped,

please report to the dispensary.

Any of you who are interested in tap dancing,

gospel singing, boxing lessons,

please come into my office.

Gladys?

Dr Wainwright, please.

Jeff gerber. Thank you.

Dr Wainwright, I gotta see you right away.

Unclean! Unclean!

Beware the black scourge!

Double trouble, boil and trouble!

Take your children, gather them.

Take them to the high ground!

Doctor? Mr gerber's here.

- But, er... “Wainwright: Well, show him in.

No swelling.

If it were overexposure, there'd be swelling.

Your lips, as I recall, were always rather full.

High cheekbones, wide face.

You're trying to tell me something.

Uh-huh. I don't see how it could be the sun lamp.

Anything unusual in your diet?

Crow.

I've laid a lot of crow, doc.

It could be some kind of an allergy.

But it's more apt to be something else.

Well, go ahead, tell me. I won't blab.

Well, it's more apt to be something in your family lineage.

You mean like insanity?

It's quite possible that, somewhere in your lineage,

there is a negro strain.

You're looking at a strained negro right now, doc.

If that were the case,

it would be apparent from birth, not in your middle years.

And it would seem logical that your parents

would have said something to you about it.

They never called me a nigger.

No matter how angry they got, they never called me a nigger.

Oh, they might have revealed it in other ways.

Ways more... freudian.

Um... what's your full name, Jeff?

Jefferson w gerber.

Mm-hmm. What's the "w" for?

Washington.

Jefferson Washington gerber.

Do you realise that, when the slaves were set free

and they were allowed to pick any names they wanted,

many of them chose the names of presidents?

Jefferson Washington gerber.

Um... what's your wife's name?

Althea jemima gerber.

You're kidding me.

What are your children's names?

Beulah and rastus.

You're trying to prove that I'm a negro, and I'm trying to prove that I'm not.

I am only trying to compile some facts.

All right, facts. Well, what about my skin, huh?

What about... That's a fact, isn't it?

Now, look, something happened to cause this phenomenon.

Somewhere, there's a medical explanation for this,

and we'll find it.

When do you want to do that, doc?

Right now.

About how long do you think it'll take?

Maybe three hours. The rest is up to the laboratory technicians.

Jeff: Hello, althea?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

The children are in bed. Even Burton.

I thought it best.

What's wrong?

Wrong? Wrong? Wrong? Nothing's wrong.

Well, how come you're on fire?

Don't answer it.

- I beg your pardon? - Don't answer it.

And may I ask why?

It's a wrong number.

Oh, then by all means, let's not answer it.

But I feel I should ask you this, althea.

How do you know it's a wrong number?

It has a different sound.

Wrong numbers sound more neurotic, because the circuits are confused.

- I see. - And it just upsets it if you answer it.

Uh-huh, that's strange, but it sounds like a right number to me.

No, you're wrong. You're nuts.

- Hello? - Man: Jeff gerber?

- Yes? - Move out, nigger!

It was a wrong number.

They've been calling all day.

What "they"? It was one voice.

Don't make it sound like the entire west point glee club.

Well, who do you think it is?

It's avon calling, and the bell's stuck.

Jeff, I have to tell you, I'm frightened.

You don't have to tell me. It's fairly noticeable.

Well, how did it go today?

Oh, it was the usual day.

I was thrown out of one of the better clubs.

I was picked up twice for purse snatching.

What?

Nothing.

Well... did they notice anything... Anything different at the office?

There were a few remarks.

What about townsend?

Oh, he seemed quite pleased.

It seems I'm one of his hottest negro salesmen.

You hungry?

Yeah, I guess so.

Jeff: What? Are you crazy?

Is that supposed to be funny?

I didn't realise... until after...

Well, listen, jemima, you're in this too.

Jemima?

Your middle name, baby.

- My middle name is Janine. - Oh?

So don't you "jemima" me, Jeff gerber.

If you've been keeping some racial secret about yourself from me,

well, just don't you "jemima" me!

Oh, I get it.

You're getting a little worried.

You're just not certain about things anymore, are you?

Well, there are children to consider.

What do you think?

Right number or wrong?

I don't care anymore. It's been ringing all day.

Every bigot in this town is honing in on us.

- Hello? - Jeff? It's dr Wainwright.

Yes, er... what is it?

- It's not hay fever. - Oh, good!

- Thought I'd let you know. - Yes, er... thank you.

Let me know as soon as you find out about ragweed.

I'll call immediately.

Doctor Wainwright.

You'll be happy to know I'm not suffering from hay fever.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm going to bed.

Oh, I thought we'd stay up a while and do a little humming.

I'm going to sleep. You can turn off the phone if you like.

I can't. It might be my ragweed calling in.

Suit yourself.

Don't be frightened. It's just me, black Bart.

- Did you have something to eat? - Just chicken.

Watermelon doesn't taste good to me unless it's freshly stolen.

Mind if I get in bed?

Newsreader: This is Tom harkness in the downtown business area

where police are just now bringing under control

a riot that began about noon today.

Within minutes the area was overrun with pickets, militants,

and housewives for lower food prices,

when an unidentified drunken negro

was denied admission to the hagstrom yacht club,

though the actual identity of the man is not known for certain...

If only they wouldn't be so pushy.

- Hello? - Man: Jeff gerber?

- Yes. - Move out, nigger.

- Was it dr Wainwright? - I certainly hope not.

Look, althea,

it's Wednesday night.

- Why don't we have a little drink and... - Wednesday? No, it's Thursday.

Let's pretend it's Wednesday.

I'm in need of some human affection.

I understand, but not tonight, okay?

I hate to tell you this,

but I'm beginning to feel just a little bit unloved.

I mean, it may be old-fashioned, but, where I come from,

a guy's wife sticks real close to him in time of stress.

- Well, er... not tonight. - Something I said?

- We could change sides if you'd like. - That's damn white of you.

- Hello? - Dr Wainwright: Jeff?

It's not ragweed, asthma or anything to do with the kidneys.

Good. Keep me posted.

I'm staying with it all night.

Thanks, doc, appreciate it.

- Hello? - Man: Jeff gerber?

He's out baling cotton. Can I take a message”?

Move out, nigger.

Jeff, don't anger them. Just don't anger them.

Don't anger them? You mean they're not angry already?

What must I do to get 'em angry?

Try and get into one of their yacht clubs?

Good morning, mr gerber.

Morning, Erica.

When do I get to see your switchblade?

God's sake, call me.

Um... morning, Gladys.

Mr townsend's waiting to see you.

He's fit to be tied and, er...

Well, dr Wainwright called twice

and wants you to call as soon as you come in.

Thank you, Gladys.

Dr Wainwright: Jeff, it's no longer a joke.

It has nothing to do with allergies,

blood counts or electrocardiograms,

and it has nothing to do with soy sauce.

We've run 18 different tests on soy sauce, and the opinion is

that soy sauce is more apt to make you oriental than negro.

C'est la guerre.

Jeff: That's... logical.

I spent the entire night in the trenches

with doctors Carson, harcourt, whittemore, o'Neil, and Hamilton.

And they're firmly of the opinion that...

Jeff, I'm not one of those doctors

who believes in keeping the truth

from a patient.

Did you know that the first man to die in an American war

was a black man, crispus attucks?

What I'm getting at is,

Jeff, you're a negro.

When do you want to see me again?

- I don't think it's necessary. - Closing the book on me, huh?

Now, with your approval, I'd like to turn your case over

to an outstanding young doctor

who's a member of your own race.

Dr John I catlin.

You may have heard of him.

What's the "I" for? Lincoln?

You do understand, don't you, Jeff?

Of course.

Good.

Well, perhaps we'll bump into each other again some day.

Maybe at the Newport regatta.

Mr townsend is waiting.

You disappeared on me yesterday, gerber.

Jeff: I'm sorry. I thought it was important.

It wasn't.

Look, I want a negro representative.

But I will not tolerate any lack of diligence.

I understand.

Good. Now, I want you to turn over all your files to Brandon.

He'll service them. You can still get the commissions.

This is the area I want you to work in.

The sooner you get started, the better.

Any questions, come directly to me.

Oh, er... By the way, gerber, er...

I notified the naacp and core

that we have a negro on our staff.

They're both quite pleased.

Don't let 'em down.

These policies aren't quite correct for a man in your bracket...

I'd recommend that you set aside a bit more

for your future children's education...

I'm very happy to say that for the first time today,

I'm gonna recommend that somebody buy an insurance policy from me...

I strongly suggest that you, er...

Invest some of your widow's pension

in income-earning stocks and bonds,

and I'd be glad to recommend a man.

- He's white. - Many people are.

Well, gerber,

it looks to me as though you've been giving out

quite a bit of free advice these past few days.

Jeff: That's part of the job, isn't it?

Oh, maybe, but on your first day you made nine calls,

and sold one policy.

Three policies you did nothing about,

and five policies you re-arranged so that...

So that our company loses $363 in annual premiums.

But, eventually, all those people will become good customers

- only because I took the time... - Oh, nonsense.

Gerber, those people don't know the first thing about insurance.

You would be doing the community a public service

to sell them all the insurance you could

so that they would never become a drain on our society.

Every one of those homes I visited in the last few days

was occupied by personable, responsible...

Horse crap!

Look...

J excuse me, buddy, but...

J excuse me, lady, but...

J you foolin', ain't ya?

> Where can I be?

J this ain't America, is it?

J oh, lord, where can I be?

J this ain't America, is it?

J no, this ain't America

j you can't fool me j

dr catlin: You're wrong to go on trying to fool yourself.

Van peebles: J this here's the home of the sheriff

j not the land of the free

j in America, folks don't run through the streets

j from where they been beat

j and the parks is for the people &

quite a background. Dean's list three times, college graduate,

excellent service record.

Seventeen years in the insurance profession.

Van peebles: J and the cops in the good old usa

j don't they need some kind of gods either?

J no, this ain't America

j you can't fool me j

I'm not kiddin', man.

Take Jamie over there, he's got 13 years.

And a hell of a good bowler, too.

Of course, they always make him bowl on the far Lane.

Kind of downwind, so to speak.

I'm not kidding.

- Van peebles: J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J open arms for every creature!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J open arms!

J for every man!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J joy and peace and Harmony!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J children with laughing eyes!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J yes, love, that's americal

- j love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J the old eagle soarin'!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J the old eagle wearin' a grin!

- J love! - Chorus: J love, that's America

Van peebles: J our old eagle soarin'! &

Jeff, you know our neighbours.

Well, the vigilantes!

Althea: I've got the coffee on.

Jeff: Well, then, what can I do for you gentlemen?

Jeff, we may as well get right to the point.

Everybody else does.

Johnson: We feel your presence in the neighbourhood

can undermine the value of our homes,

and we're concerned.

Jeff: Yes, I've gotten a couple of your phone calls.

Oh, that wasn't us, Jeff.

Shut up, friend.

Johnson: As nicely as we can put it, Jeff,

we'd like you to move out before it becomes common knowledge

that there's a negro family in the area.

Is that as nicely as you can put it? “We're concerned.

Oh, perfectly understandable,

especially since I've taken the spot announcements on radio.

And wait until you see the skywriting.

Johnson: We're prepared to offer a very fair deal.

Walter has the figures. Walter?

Your house is worth about

forty thousand dollars on the open market.

- Thirty-seven thousand. - Well, give or take.

Twelve dollars as soon as the word gets out that I'm a nigger.

Johnson: We represent a group of people, Jeff,

and we have the backing of three local banks.

And so we're prepared to offer you fifty thousand dollars.

Oh, ah do declaih, that shore am a great pile o' money.

We'll sell your house to a good family, and absorb the loss among ourselves.

Oh, my goodness, fifty thousand simoleons.

Heavens to uncle Remus!

But I can't accept it.

Johnson: We're prepared to pay it right now. Tonight.

Oh, I know you're prepared to pay it.

But I'm not prepared to accept it.

I mean, er... me and my family,

we've looked forward to living here all our lives.

We like it here.

All those friendly phone calls,

and any time a nice rock can come crashing through the window,

to remind us that people are still thinking of us.

Sixty thousand. That's as high as we can go.

Oh, come on, try harder. Seventy-five.

- All right, seventy-five, but that's... - You see that?

- You went higher. Now, try eighty. - Seventy-five.

Oh, come on!

I'll make more than that from my watermelon patch in just one year.

Not to mention the admissions from the revival meeting.

Eighty.

Now, try ninety.

Unless, of course, you don't mind the smell of fried chicken and ham bones

just wafting through your lovely neighbourhood?

- Ninety. - Oh, that shore am a lot of money.

But I like something with, er... More noughts to it.

You know, something a bit rounder. Something with more noughts.

You know, zeros.

Johnson: One hundred thousand.

And that's as high as we're authorised to go.

You turn it down, we're not responsible.

No. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Where do I sign?

You'll find everything in order.

As you know, Walter's an officer with the bank.

It's all pretty standard, if you care to read it over.

I think this is the best thing for everybody all around.

Jeff: Oh, I think so, too.

I was gonna sell this house.

I think the neighbourhood's a bit too Jewish.

Well, good night, Jeff.

Good luck.

- It's nothing personal. - Oh, it never is.

If it was personal, well, I'd feel real bad.

Good night, Jeff. You have two weeks.

Look, if you have any trouble and need to store your stuff,

please call my secretary.

She'll give you the necessary assistance.

Good night, Jeff. You've gotten a very good deal.

Perhaps... perhaps it'll make us seem less villainous in your eyes.

Good night, Jeff. Villainous? Don't be silly.

I know who my friends are.

And the next nice neighbourhood I move into,

you guys'll get first crack at me.

A hundred thousand dollars!

Now, all I gotta do is turn white.

Boy, would their faces be red!

You took advantage of them because you're coloured.

- How's that? - Those people were our friends.

What should I have done? Given 'em a discount?

Pushing your way.

Just pushing, pushing, pushing. Is that the answer?

They wanted us out of the neighbourhood!

Where do you get that "us" stuff? You, not us!

Would you repeat that again? I don't think I heard that right.

It's very confusing.

Forgive me, I...

There's been a great deal of pressure on me lately.

I mean, just answering the phones...

Well, I haven't been exactly winning any popularity contests myself.

Well, it's... it's different with you. You weren't liked before this happened.

I was liked. Everybody liked me. Everybody!

I hate to tell you this, but you're supposed to be on my side.

The marriage contract said "till death do us part".

It said that in black and white, I believe.

When we got married, I had no idea it was going to be

an inter-racial thing. You never told me.

Well, I just got wind of it myself.

If I had known what was gonna happen,

I would have put in an escape clause in your marriage contract.

"If my husband becomes a negro, all bets are off."

How dare you be sarcastic with me?

I'm the one who was compromised!

Oh, I'm not angry. How could I be angry?

I have a hundred thousand dollar suntan.

And why do you insist on being negro?

I don't insist. I accept it.

What would you have me do, dye my hair and insist I'm white?

You know what I'd look like with blond hair, althea?

Like a grilled cheese sandwich!

Negro humour always escaped me.

Well, we're learning a lot about each other, aren't we?

Yes, we are.

What happened to the flaming liberal I was married to?

I am still liberal...

But to a point.

I'm sorry, baby.

I didn't realise you were under as much pressure as me.

Let's forget it tonight.

Because tonight, it's Wednesday.

It's Wednesday, and I love you.

- No, it's Tuesday. - It's Wednesday.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I have to get my bearings.

It won't be Wednesday until...

Until I get my bearings.

- I'm going to go to sleep, okay? - Okay.

Jeff, I sent the kids to my sister's.

Your sister lives in Indianapolis.

They'll be there by morning. Margaret said she'd meet the train.

I'm sorry, but I wanted them away from all this,

if and when the newspapers find out.

Chorus: I where are the children?

> Where are the children? J

You were not disappointment.

You were wonderful.

Thank you very much.

In Norway, we have very few negroes.

Oh, well, er... I'll tell my buddies. Er...

Then you'll have a lot of them in no time at all.

Negroes have beautiful bodies.

Yeah, well, I've been working out.

And when all those black muscles

all work together to make love,

it is so very marvellous.

Yeah, well, they all work together.

You know, we're noted for that.

You know, "the thigh bone connected to the hip bone".

You know, they're all just hooked up just right.

And the way a negro makes love...

I can never make love to a white man again.

Well, I guess there'll be a few girls to take up the slack.

We must make love every night, and during lunch hours.

Every spare moment.

Yeah, well, I think we should take time off to vote.

Where are you going? Is there voting now?

No, I'm, er... I'm leaving.

Oh, right.

- Will I see you tomorrow? - Oh, yeah. Probably at the office.

Probably I'll give you a pinch in the ass.

You know, give you a little thrill.

I have disappointed you?

Oh, no. Not quite the way you think.

But yes, you have disappointed me.

There is something I didn't do?

Ah, no, er... offhand, er...

There's nothing I can think of that, er... we forgot.

Then why are you leaving?

Well, I can't expect you to understand, Erica.

Explain. I will try.

I will try anything to please you.

Okay. Well, try and understand that, er...

Beauty's only skin deep.

And I want you to love me because of what I am,

not because I'm a negro.

You're a very nice man.

Very courteous.

You say "please" and "thank you", so I like you.

Then why are you leaving? Did I hurt you?

Oh, mine god, if I hurt you...

You're such a great bang.

But you're a bigot, Erica.

A big, blonde bigot.

So, thank you...

But no thank you.

- You black bastard! - You're really getting to it.

My goodness, in no time at all,

you'll qualify for American citizenship.

Get out of here, you...

You nigger!

Ah! By jove, she's got it!

I really think she's got it.

Hey, and don't worry about running out of new words to call me, Erica,

'cause, in a few years, you'll know 'em all.

- Get out, nigger! - I'm going! Bye, Erica!

Erica: Rape!

Bye, Erica.

Rape!

Althea: " Jeff,

"Jeff, I'm sorry.

"I'm ashamed of myself, and I'm sorry.

"But I can't help it.

"I'm going to Indianapolis.

"Please try to understand. Althea."

Gladys: Morning, mr gerber. My goodness, you've been getting

phone calls this morning requesting appointments.

They started coming in at eight-thirty! And...

Oh, let's see, doctor catlin called,

and, er... well, mr townsend would like to see you.

Thank you, Gladys.

Gladys: That's a nice tie, mr gerber.

Thank you.

Mr townsend?

Yes, gerber, I sent for you. Sit down and shut up.

Screw you. I'm opening up my own office.

What?

I said, "screw you. I'm opening up my own office."

Serves you right. You'll be broke in a week.

I don't think so. Some neighbours chipped in,

and I won't have to worry for quite a while.

Townsend? Yes?

About your breath...

J girl, we got to make some kind of deal

j everything you got give me a thrill

j don't say no, or I'm gonna die

j don't you know you keep me alive?

J lord knows I gotta get through to you

j 'cause there's something I just gotta do

chorus: J yes, you gotta do, you gotta do

j you gotta do

Van peebles: J don't throw my luck in the briar patch

j you got the key, and you got the latch

j I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

j I'm soul'd on you, my twister

chorus: J soul'd on you

j I'm soul'd on you

Van peebles: J oh, they called me mr cool before

j but you got me poundin' on your front door

j yes, child, I used to be mr cool

j but, girl, I'm ready to be a fool

j it's just realisin' it makes me bold

j you do somethin' to cool my soul

j then you'll do my soul

j don't throw my luck in the briar patch

j you got the key, and you got the latch

j I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

j I'm soul'd on you, my twister, lord

chorus: J soul'd on you

j I'm soul'd on you

Van peebles: J lord, you got me down on bended knees

j let me hip you to the birds and bees

j come on, girl, let's make it down the trail

j oh, lord knows I sure wish you would

j you know I can't live without you

j let me do that thing I just gotta do

chorus: J gotta do, just gotta do

Van peebles: J don't throw my luck in the briar patch

j you got the key, and you got the latch

j I'm soul'd on you, soul sister

j I'm soul'd on you, my twister

chorus: J soul'd on you

j I'm soul'd on you, soul'd on you

j soul'd on you

Van peebles: J soul'd on you, soul sister

& soul'd on you, blood beauty j

j soul'd on you, brown sugar

j soul'd on you, soul'd on you

j somethin' you gotta do

j get it, get it, get it, getit.. J

hello.

Althea: Jeff? Yes.

- It's althea. - Althea? Althea, my wife?

I've been calling everywhere. The phone's been turned off.

Well, when I moved out of our house, I had the phone disconnected.

- Where are you? - I finally got you through information.

I'm in Indianapolis.

- What's wrong? The kids all right? - The kids are fine.

And thanks for sending so much money. It was very generous.

Well, they're still my kids, aren't they?

Yes, and I'm never going to let them forget their father.

Well, thank you.

It's so nice to be so well remembered before I die.

Jeff, hearing your voice... I mean, on the phone,

it's like it never happened.

Not on this end, baby.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you, and...

And I hope you're taking care of yourself.

I'm fine.

Still getting your exercise?

Yes. Althea, you don't have to worry about me.

I'm working out in the evenings, now.

- Promise me that you are. - Oh, I are. I are.

You are?

I are.

Hal

everyone: Hal

hal

hal

hal

solo: Hee...

Everyone: Hal

- hee... - Hal

- hee... - Hal

- hee... - Hal

- hee... - Hal

J nah, this ain't America

j you can't fool me

chorus: J you can't fool me

Van peebles: J excuse me, but seriously

chorus: J you can't fool me

Van peebles: J; Which way to the good ol' usa?

Chorus: J you can't fool me

Van peebles: J this ain't nothing like the place I wanna be

> not as far as I can see

j I don't care what you say

j hey, why you pointing that this way?

J this sure ain't America, is it?

J nah, this ain't America

j you can't fool me

chorus: J you can't fool me

j you can't fool me

Van peebles: J nah, this ain't America

j you can't fool me j

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