Original subtitles

Attention!!!

The following film contains subliminal effects!

If you're pregnant or epileptic leave after 30 minutes at the most.

Thank you for your understanding.

Tanja Blixen and Astrid Lidgren are spoken by Susanne Bredehöft.

Peter Panne and Bela Lugosi are spoken by Thomas Nicolai.

Both speakers are dressed by Hölter.

This following film tells the true story of little Peter Panne,

son of a German UN general and an American hooker.

People simply called him JESU.

While his father fails at the UN, a horde of Africans tries to destroy

the president of the USA with a German V2 missile.

JESU PETERS mother rams a needle into the boy's head

so JESU ends up in hospital.

Despite his disability and a 33-lb crack on his head

MOHAMMED PETER manages to save the world

and destroy the American president forever and ever.

Africa! Infinite vastness, curly hair and the smell of diesel oil.

Peter Panne's story starts about an hour before his birth.

That's my dear daddy!, Peter said.

A German UN officer on a humane mission.

He helps the blacks and saves their future.

It's a sexual obsession for my father, Peter said.

Here we see a horde of slobs gone wild.

Fucking, drinking, dancing all day long, Peter said.

This self-appointed dictator studied in Munich.

Hassan El Hatschi!

His plan is the destruction of the American president

with a German missile. He will have to understand:

A bird in the hand is worth the UN in the bush, Peter said.

My dear mummy has a long criminal record.

Twenty years in jail for exhibitionism.

Daddy never slept with her and yet she's pregnant.

When Peter heard "rocket", he escaped the uterus.

He was the only rocket in town!

Peter Panne, son of Mohammed, God of gods!

The saviour of the world!, Peter said.

Everything fine. Will work!

Dr. Vanderberg was a pathetic coward.

After the Challenger disaster he had escaped to Africa.

And started his experiments with human engines.

A thorn in the flesh of Werner von Braun.

A moron in a lab coat!

Lund was a complete asshole, too.

A dyed-in-the-wool pervert.

Fucking my dad at night, jerking off kids by day.

Enough was enough!

The world was a bad place. I had to save it!

Peter Panne had made it.

Like a maniac he bit his mother's uterus.

Let me out! Let me out!, he yelled.

I want to save the world and spray my juices!

To put out all the pain.

While the proud parade approached the helicopter

Hassan waved goodbye from his German rocket

Peter's mother gave an interview.

And Peter's father pulled his fuse.

The UN mission was a great success.

The world finally understood:

When you say UN, the shit won't hit the fan!

Keep your hands off my wife!

DEM FILM PRESENTS

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE CRACK

THE GAP

THE BIRTH OF THE MESSIAH

The messiah is born, forget all your fears.

He has a big head and really big ears.

He has a big head and really big ears!

His head is covered with countless ruins.

His visage like ivory.

Honey and myrtle pour from his crack.

Oh Lord, I felt you coming!

You give me strength!

2000 years of Vatican was a tough time.

But now you're here and all will be good.

We will overthrow the Pope!

And we'll drink his blood!

Down with the Vatican!

Down with the Roman Catholic church!

Bishop Pierre had made a Catholic straw puppet.

He took his congregation down the valley

to deliver the news of the birth of JESU PANNE.

He had been excommunicated in Austria for a reason.

But here in Africa people were still plain and simple.

And he was welcomed with gratitude.

THE BIRTH OF THE MOTHER OF GOD

CHAPTER TWO

The day of Peter's circumcision was a beautiful day.

Colourful flags everywhere.

Merchants from the Serengeti brought myrrh and ivory.

The straw puppet was replaced with baby Peter

who couldn't wait to get circumcised.

Bishop Pierre was dinging it in everyone's ears for hours

declaring Peter's mother Mother of God.

But Martha refused.

Martha got completely out of control.

Like a gigantic orgasm, the wave of African folklore

penetrated her into a growing helix of hatred and violence.

Pierre had put a spell on her.

He gave her back the confidence she forgot she had.

Uh, yeah, Peter said.

She was the Mother of God, Peter said.

And dad was a pig.

THE HOLY FAMILY!

CHAPTER THREE

Peter's mother was humiliated.

Werner hadn't slept with her once.

In her eyes, he was nothing but a whore.

A gay German UN whore.

Martha only knew too well.

After all, her sex with Werner was only fellatio.

She could tell any other sperm from his.

In colour and taste.

In quantity and consistency.

Yo, Werner!

Y'know sumtin? I'll cook ya sumtin!

THE PROPHECY

Now Martha understood.

Sexually, Werner liked to take the backdoor.

And only Pierre could show her the way

to a new Mother of God.

So she internalized his prophecy the hard way.

Like a maelstrom of wrong feelings

the images poured ecstatically.

The blacks finished school.

Contraception was discussed publicly.

The famine was history.

And the symbol of independence

was hard and tight as ever.

GOOD SEX WILL BE PUNISHED

Martha had never been happier.

She enjoyed being the Mother of God.

Pierre had satisfied her.

And he had healed her screwed-up sexuality.

I don't care if you're fucking with Werner.

As long as we become humans.

The gay situation is nothing for Jesus Christ.

Pierre had questioned Peter's homosexual upbringing.

He knew what kind of danger Peter was facing.

Lund was a pervert and lusting after Peter's...

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

PAGE FIVE

Martha asked.

The UN mission was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN, the shit won't hit the fan!

CHILD SEX AT THE UN CAMP

Martha was frantic with rage.

Lund had played with Peter's anus again.

He had covered the little one with faeces.

What an enormous mess!

Peter was confronted with a bunch of questions.

If only his mother hadn't given him this cheap marble

Peter would've been spared a lot.

Martha had run the marble test again.

She had watched Peter put the marble at his anus.

There wasn't the slightest doubt.

It was the ultimate proof that Lund was a pervert.

Who used the little one for his disgusting games.

Hurry UP!

Yeah, 'is important.

Unfortunately, Peter had put the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be worse, the passer-by thought...

before he spat blood.

Unfortunately, Peter had put the marble into his nose.

He couldn't breathe.

The timing couldn't be better, Dr Vanderberg thought...

and began his search.

Good morning!

I've had it! I'm leavin'!

CHRISTMAS - THE LIFE SHOW

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Who would have thought?!

What a spectacle!

- You'll never get a divorce. - Divorce? Why divorce?

General Obens is dead. The mission is at stake.

- Your mission up my ass!

Oh... really?!

Three Madmen and a Kitchen!

Cheerio, Werner!

Where are you going?

And up the stairs it goes!

I'm your boyfriend!

- I can't live without you! - Leave me alone!

Without you, I'm not human! I'll be an animal!

The return of the three madmen!

Surprise, surprise!

Leave me alone!

Stop babbling! The show starts in half an hour.

- Don't you see what's going on here?

Don't you understand? I must help her, Lund!

- 'Help her', 'help her'! - You never think of me!

Now look who's coming! How unexpected!

Upsadaisy!

And here we go! That might hurt a little.

Let's see if she can find the marble.

Upsadaisy! Oops!

That was Serbo-Croatian.

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

100 POINTS

Just five minutes later, Lund returned.

Everything went from bad to worse.

Martha had disfigured her son completely.

Now she was begging for forgiveness.

Lund honked his horn till the cows came home.

Being apart from Werner had changed him forever.

If Martha didn't get her act together,

Werner would hit the road.

She had to get him back!

So stop screaming woman!

And fix him a cup of tea!

Or a little snack!

- G'day! - G'day, Werner!

Are you a cunt? Or are you a general?

- A general. - There you go!

You're a darling! Oh yes you are!

IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD UN CAMP

REEL SIX

Things had changed at the camp.

Hassan had taken over.

Now he tried to destroy the UN by all means.

Thanks to my dad's imagination the UN kept a spark of dignity.

Tonight's gonna be fun! And I'll be with ya!

Your sweet lil' Lund!

- I can't, I can't, I can't.

- We belong together forever.

- Look at me, I'm all fun! - Finish my paint!

What d'you want for fuck's sake?

I'm coming!

- We gotta go, I'm outta paint!

I'm coming!

What the fuck do you want?

Tell the fat hippo that Europeans have a great sense of humour.

Or we wouldn't be here!

Fuck off already!

Come on Werner, do it for me!

Think about tonight!

And Martha.

Ladies and gentleman! From Germany with love.

Folklore's finest: UN general Werner Brenner!

Werner was appalled.

How often he had fought for the blacks!

For a new playground or the state-of-the-art crematorium!

He had learned and lived their rituals.

And now that!

Never expect thanks for anything!

One man's journey is another man's story!

Down with the UN!

Down with American imperialism!

And the world understood:

When you say UN, the shit won't hit the fan!

THE HEROD HOSPITAL

SCROLL NUMBER SEVEN

What's up?

Asshole!

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF SURGERY

HETEROSCHMETEROIST!

That same night Effi Briest arrived at the hospital

and sank into the bishop's arms.

Only Pierre could help her now, only Pierre could feel her pain.

Effi Briest's real husband had lost the game.

His dream of the Last Supper was a lie.

Nothing was as it used to be. Time simply stood still.

Even the slightest movement vanished into a big nothing.

Effi's choice was Pierre.

And Pierre's choice was...

Effi!

Flying, she softly whispered.

She couldn't believe her eyes.

Her son - a hero?

Mum! Dad! I love you so much!

I love you! Mum! Dad!

Dr Vanderberg entered and welcomed the Mother of God.

It had taken a long time but now Peter's head was safe.

The search had not been in vain. Effi Briest was given the marble.

We come back in five years. Everything broken. Must repair!

FIVE YEARS LATER

Burning UN soldier on jelly.

The air was filled with the scent of jacarandas.

The rainy season had begun.

And the swans had flown to the River Laktunga.

Like every morning bishop Pierre collected his nuns.

And thanked God for the wonders of nature.

Martha had become an alcoholic.

Every day, she drank hundreds of those small red thingies.

Pierre had tenderly protected her and Werner.

Peter's return was near.

The much praised multi-cultural community was at stake.

Put your whiskey bottle on my head

so I can blow you standing up!

Werner thought.

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE GAP

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE CRACK

IN THE VICIOUS CIRCLE OF THE GAP

Peter's father had put on his artificial limbs.

Now he could enter Dr Vanterberg's dungeons.

His heart was racing.

And a biting and bitter smell tortured his nose.

Where is my son?

I demand an explanation!

Your son is very dangerous, you know?

He's cruel. Just cruel!

Cruel? Everyone is cruel!

He has a 21 .5-inch penis

in his crack!

Look, Peter!

Is that daddy?

Holy shit!

Werner couldn't believe his eyes.

Peter had changed completely.

His once beautiful face

had turned into an ugly grimace.

Why shouldn't I be afraid?

THE TRUMPET OF JERICHO

That same day Peter left the hospital.

There were extreme safety measures.

Peter was wearing a cute red hood

while his daddy landed the helicopter.

This is daddy speaking!

Release the little one!

Werner, you coward, you fucking coward!

Ladies and gentlemen, did you expect that?

- What's up? Why did you stop? - He smells like an army!

So what? Are you a cunt or a general?

- I'm a cunt. - You funny boner!

This is General! Come in, cunt!

JESUS PANNE was overjoyed.

Back with mother and father at last!

Back at home at last!

Only Werner wasn't happy.

He observed how JESUS was slowly drifting

into the obscure cult of a failed priest.

Cunt, come in!

Please roger!

- How could that happen? - I coulda been dead!

- Dead? My son is the Destroyer. - He who owns him is invincible.

Invincible!

- Invincible.

Peter had superhuman powers.

His crack was steaming and hissing.

And he destroyed the house in less than three minutes.

Werner had to take action.

If Peter fell in the hands of the dictator

he would be used as the engine for his missile

and destroy the world.

The world was a bad place

and Peter was in great danger.

When I run through the trees

I just love to have some cheese!

Love to have some cheese!

While you my dear are waiting here!

When I'm hungry again

let me please

have some more, some more cheese!

While you my dear are waiting here!

Shut your trap!

Horst, he's talking to you!

What do you mean? Let me handle that!

What are you doing? Leave me alone!

Naughty, naughty!

This is daddy speaking!

Who is this guy?

- I am afraid. Afraid. - Pull yourself together!

Sing a song!

- Lund, I can't do it. - Werner, you can do it!

I can't!

Naughty, naughty!

Be quiet! Don't tell them!

Shoot, Werner, shoot!

I simply can't do it!

The missile had missed its target.

But as so often in life, everyone agreed

that it hadn't missed.

What a whore!

I had made it! I proudly drove through the streets with Hassan

and enjoyed the cheering.

Now dad was jealous.

He desperately tried to assassinate Hassan.

But Hassan was stronger and mum and dad were severely punished.

The UN mission was a great success.

The efforts had paid off.

And the world understood:

When you say UN, the shit won't hit the fan!

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD

LAST CHAPTER

Martha and Peter were appalled.

Peter was in the hands of political and religious fanatics

whose aim was the destruction of the world

using our hero PETER PANNE

for their filthy agenda!

Dad had lost everything.

Life was but a game. And the game was over.

As we said:

Life was but a game. And the game was over.

Martha and Werner had found peace in their orgasms.

A peace that was so badly needed

and that was so hard to find.

It took them 30 years to find themselves.

And now it was clear:

Peace wasn't just a word.

Peace was reality.

If you let it.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Life was but a game.

And the world was over.

Washington D.C. Christmas Eve

Cicciollina had run the marble test again

and had observed how Jeff Koons

unmistakably put the china putto at his behind.

It was a clear proof that the president of the USA was a pervert

who wanted to use the Holy Family for his filthy games.

What's up?

You idiot!

Push, Martha, push! Y'know, you're almost there!

THE END

Dedicated to the victims of slowness and the UN.

5 years later

Subtitles: Tobias Rauscher